02x09 - The Gunfight

[bunniefuu]

We're really excited to
have the kids stay with us

while you guys are away
for a little grown-up time.

Wink, wink.

Ma, don't "wink, wink."

You're gonna ruin grown-up time.

Don't worry, honey, I
got some new lingerie.

You'll power through.

So, you're going to Atlantic City.

I've had some good times
there with your mother.

I've never been to Atlantic City, Joe.

Well, some lucky lady.

A-And it's not Atlantic
City, Dad, it's Vegas.

I told you that ten minutes ago

when you were complaining about
how tinfoil used to be thicker.

Hi, Grandma. Hi, Grandpa.

Oh, we are gonna have
such fun with these cuties.

I have a candy bar at home
weighs more than you do.

I love you, Grandma.

(CHUCKLES) Mwah.

And we're hoping that Kate

looks up from her phone at some point.

What?

And we've got something
special planned for you, Teddy.

I fixed up your dad's old BB g*n.

You better sleep with one eye open.

I've got a video of you singing
"Let It Go" in your towel.

A BB g*n for Teddy?

Oh, don't worry, my
dad's a great teacher.

Don and I both had
'em when we were kids.

Oh, yeah, I taught my boys
how to sh**t the Army way.

Safety first.

Unless you're being overrun by Charlie,

then it's just spray and pray.

But Teddy's so young.

But it's a Burns family tradition.

Three generations of
men sharing knowledge

and history and companionship.

That's the kind of
emotional crap you love.

I do love emotional crap.

Okay, well, just be careful.

All right, you better get out of here

- before she changes her mind.
- Yeah.

- Okay, honey, bye-bye.
- Bye-bye.

Mwah.

(SIGHS) So...

tell me more about this
girl from Atlantic City.

Honey, don't worry about
who else played the game.

You won the prize.

I'm looking forward to
teaching your boy how to sh**t.

Once Teddy learns how to use a BB g*n,

I'll show him my real g*ns.

Okay, bye, Dad, yup, night-night.

Okay.

Drive safe.

Off you go. (CHUCKLES)

Wait-wait-wait, wh-what did he just say?

Oh, nothing, just some
old guy jibber-jab.

Nothing to worry about.

Wait, wait, wait. H-He
has real g*ns at home?

I can't believe

you never told me that.

Honey, my dad hunts, he's a vet.

I figured you knew. I'm
gonna go in here now.

Oh, I'm gonna go in here, too.

Look, our kids are over there a lot.

Yeah, and think how safe they are

being protected by all those g*ns.

Look, when Kate was born, you
got rid of your hunting r*fles.

I just... I don't understand
why people insist on having g*ns.

That's 'cause no one as smart as
me has ever explained it to you.

Okay?

People say it's about their
rights and their freedom,

but here's the real truth: g*ns are fun.

They go boom, people like that.

But they're dangerous.

In the hands of idiots.

But the fact that you

never even knew my dad had 'em

proves how careful and safe he is.

I think it just proves
that you never told me.

It can prove two things.

I'm sorry, I'm-I'm just not comfortable

leaving the kids there.

I just... I-I won't be able
to enjoy myself in Vegas.

No, no, no, leave Vegas out of this.

We've had to cancel
this trip three times.

Okay, well, then talk to your dad

about getting rid of
his g*ns and we can go.

If you feel so strongly about it,

maybe you should talk to my dad.

Okay.

Yeah, I'll tell your dad
to get rid of his g*ns.

You can tell my mom she
has to start wearing a bra.

I'll take the g*ns.

If she's not gonna listen to
the manager at the Golden Corral,

she's not gonna listen to me.

So here's the thing, Dad.

I had a talk with Andi,

and you need to get rid of your g*ns.

(LAUGHS)

- Your wife is very funny, yeah.
- Yeah.

Yeah, she's a hoot.

But after you brought up
your real g*ns last night,

Andi got all worried

about the kids staying
with you guys next week.

Oh, geez. No one's more careful than me.

I told her, but there's
talk of calling off Vegas.

Okay, I need to play
blackjack in a hotel robe,

holding a morning beer. I need it, Dad.

All right, all right.

Look, I think Andi
just doesn't like g*ns

because she's never sh*t one.

That's what I was thinking.

So how about we take her
to the sh**ting range?

She can see how responsible you
are, and we can change her mind.

Oh, I like it.

Okay, good. By the way,

how many times have you actually

changed her mind about something?

I don't know, who keeps
track of that stuff?

Zero's not a hard number to remember.

Who can say fresh radishes?

You don't have to say it,
I'll just give you some.

I grew them in my garden. Have one.

No, thanks. I don't try new things.

Don, we've talked about this,

it's good to broaden your horizons.

Well, actually, Lowell,
in % of deaths,

you'll find out that the deceased,

at some point, tried something new.

But everybody tries something new.

And everybody dies.

You got any tomatoes in that man basket?

I know I like those.

Well, I planted some,

but I've got a thieving
woodchuck in my garden.

I tried to have my cat chase him off,

but they became unlikely animal friends.

You know, my dad fixed
up Adam's old BB g*n.

How about you and I go out and
take care of that woodchuck?

Scarface style.

I don't like this place.

And why are people
wearing camouflage inside?

It just makes them more obvious.

I can see all of you!

Honey, don't rile up the g*n owners.

Just relax.

Okay, once you fire off a few rounds,

I think you'll see it's
not as scary as it seems.

- Ready?
- All right.

Let's go over a few safety rules, huh?

Always assume that every g*n is loaded.

Is that one loaded?

What did I just say?

She's not listening.

Trust me, Dad, that's not
how you do it with her.

It's true. It's not
how you do it with me.

All right, you want
to go give this a try?

Well, if it gets me off

the set of
Deliverance, I'll do it.

Okay, fire when ready.

Well that's just the best thing ever.

I've seen you eat carrots before,

so I know you'll like these.

I want the last thing that
woodchuck sees to be us enjoying

what is rightfully ours!

Got any ranch dressing?

I do.

Can I have some?

You may not. Just try one without it.

(SIGHS) Why are you always
looking to change me?

It's like when you
wanted me to see movies

that aren't Fast & Furious.

There are better movies. Branch out.

There aren't better movies.

They made eight and
the worst one was good.

It went great, great, great,

good, great, great, better, best.

Of course you love it... it's
the ranch dressing of movies.

Shh, look, there's the woodchuck.

That's right, just sit
there and eat that tomato.

Oh, no, my cat!

- (g*n FIRES)
- Ow!

You sh*t me in the butt!

No, I didn't. I was at work all day.

But I don't want to go home.

Babe, we've been here two hours.

You can't go full
Rambo on the first day.

Okay.

But first let me check
out the gift counter.

They have a-a pepper grinder
that looks like a hand grenade.

How do I not have one of those?

All right, looks like
Atlantic City is back on.

I told you it's Vegas.

Whoa, Dad, you just put
your phone in the g*n case.

What?

Were you about to put
the g*n in your pocket?

Don't worry about what I put where.

Well, I'm just saying,

if someone calls and
you answer your g*n,

we're gonna have a problem.

I can't see in here

because they're using those
global warming light bulbs.

We're all walking around in the
dark to save some salamander.

Saddle up, boys,

I got to stop by the butcher.

I want to eat something for dinner

that was walking around yesterday.

I'm not so sure about Vegas.

What? But I was really
impressed with your dad.

I don't have any problem
with the kids staying there.

He knows what he's doing.

I used to think that, too.

Back at the range, he got his
g*n and his phone mixed up.

I've never seen him
do anything like that.

Well, I mean, maybe
he-he just got confused.

I mean, that place was thrilling.

Things got crazy.

I didn't even pay for this hat.

It's more than that.
I've been noticing stuff.

He keeps thinking we're
going to Atlantic City.

Like he's lost a step.

I can't believe I'm saying
this, but I don't think

he should have g*ns
around the house anymore.

And I have to be the
jerk that tells him.

Oh, honey, I'm sorry.

Hey, you talk to my dad,

and I will wrestle your
mother into that bra.

Yeah, now that I think about it,

I think it might be awkward

for you to force underwear on my mom.

Yeah.

And I think you're the one
that has to talk to your dad.

I know. (SIGHS)

Poor guy.

I just... I hate to hit him with this.

Well, hey, there is a silver lining.

I mean, if you handle this
now, then you won't get sh*t

when it's time to
take away his car keys.

So, here's the thing, Dad.

I had another talk with Andi,

and you need to get rid of your g*ns.

(LAUGHS)

That's still a classic. Yeah.

You're not laughing.

This time I'm serious.

That thing at the range,
with your cell phone,

that freaked me out.

Oh, you were always easily startled.

Oh, that's true. He used
to hate his jack-in-the-box.

Crank, crank, crank, cry.

You know I'm right. That thing
at the range bothered you, too.

Well, you're not taking my g*ns.

I have a constitutional
right to defend myself.

From what?

Snowflakes like you
trying to take my g*ns.

Everybody eventually slips a little.

It's happening to me, too.

I tried jumping rope with Emme,

I almost had to go to the hospital.

Well, I won't do it.

I've already given up
everything else worth having.

Fried food, hard liquor, tobacco.

And that's the holy trinity.

Ma, help me out here.

She's not gonna help you on this.

Actually, I agree with Adam.

Bev.

Joe, y-you accidentally left me

at the Kmart last week.

Why are you assuming
that was an accident?

Look, I'm sorry, Dad, but...

either give me the g*ns, or...

or the kids can't
come over here anymore.

Well, then, that's how it's gonna be.

Wait, wait, we don't get the kids now?

Look, forget what I
said. Your dad's fine.

Stop being a snowflake.

Really, Dad?

That's your choice?

You heard me.

All right, then, I guess I'm leaving.

Good.

Try not to get scared by a
clown in a box on your way out.

That thing is not a toy.

It's a horror movie with a handle.

I can't believe you tattled to my wife.

Don, why would you sh**t him?

I thought you liked this one.

It was an accident.

Or was it? I think he was mad

because I wouldn't
give him ranch dressing.

Which is a child's condiment.

Oh, you've got to give
Don his ranch, Lowell.

How's he gonna eat?

You owe me an apology.

You really think I sh*t you on purpose?

(SCOFFS) That is very hurtful.

Is it as hurtful as being
hit by a hunk of metal

flying through the air
at miles an hour?

Well, I can't say, because
I've never been dumb enough

to step in front of one.

So that's a no on the apology.

Fine. If you'll excuse me,

I'm going to leave while
I still have my dignity.

Ow. Ow. Ow.

Ow, Don.

I'm sorry about that.

But one day you're gonna be better

at this than me, and
I'll be okay with that.

It's just the natural
order of things, okay?

I win.

Wow, it happens sooner than you think.

Don't worry.

You can still b*at Teddy.

- (SCOFFS)
- (DOOR OPENS)

- Hey.
- Hey.

I talked to your mom today.

Your dad's still pretty
bent out of shape.

He turned the hose on
some Mormons that came by,

but not even that cheered him up.

Maybe you should go over there...

No, no, no, no, no.

See, this is what my dad does.

He acts out, then I feel guilty,

and you always make me go
over there and talk to him.

I'm not doing it this time.

I don't always do that.

Sometimes your mom does it.

And I've been thinking about it.

We're still going to Vegas.

But who's gonna watch the kids?

Well, we'll bring 'em along.

We'll find someone to watch 'em there.

You can pay a woman to
do anything in Vegas.

(DOOR OPENS)

Hi, Adam.

Oh, here comes the other one.
I don't care how mad he is,

I'm not going over there.

I just came to tell you
I've got your dad's g*ns

in the trunk of my car.

Seriously?

Is Dad in there, too?

H-He's not gonna pop out
like a jack-in-the-box, is he?

No, he gave them up.

He said he realized you're right,

and he has to confront the
reality of getting older.

What did he really say?

(SIGHS) He said "Get these
damn things out of my house,"

and something about his
son being dead to him,

but he could've been talking about Don.

Adam, are-are you hearing this?

I mean, you changed two
people's minds this week.

I actually think you might be
able to get that bra on my mom.

(SIGHS)

It'd be great if you could do it

before Thanksgiving. I don't want

my mashed potatoes ruined again.

Honey, what's wrong?

- You don't look happy.
- Eh...

I know my dad. That couldn't
have been easy for him.

Oh, if only he had someone
to talk it through with.

- Oh, interesting, Bev.
- Mm-hmm.

But who should it be?

Nice show, ladies.

All right. I'm going.

If he squirts me with the
hose, I'm taking that away, too.

DON: Hey, Lowell.

What brings you by?

Is she gonna hold me down
while you finish me off,

execution style?

We're here because when my
husband's unhappy, I'm unhappy.

So let's fix this.

Okay? You think

that Don sh*t you because

on some deeper level, he was mad at you.

But I-I know from experience,
Don only has one level.

That's true. I'm an
emotional pancake, baby.

But he is sorry. So
to make things right,

there's only one solution.

Lowell,

sh**t Don in the butt.

What? That's crazy.

Look, you're my friend,

and if this will make
things okay between us,

then I'm willing to
turn the other cheek.

And let you sh**t me in it.

Aw. You've never called
me your friend before.

I'll do it.

What?

Marcy, you said he wouldn't do it.

No, Lowell, this was just a gesture.

I can't let you sh**t my husband.

I won't. I just wanted
to scare him a little.

(CHUCKLES)

How do you put this thing on safety?

- (g*n FIRES)
- DON: Ow!

Eh, he had it coming.

Hey.

Hey.

I heard you had a little
fun with the hose earlier.

You're not taking that away.

That nozzle's the last
thing I have with a trigger.

I was just looking out for you.

Well, you weren't entirely, uh,

% completely... wrong.

That might be the nicest
thing you've ever said to me.

Look, I'm not mad at you.

I'm mad at time.

You know,

some day one of your kids

is gonna show up and take
away your stuff.

Oof, you're right.

It'll probably be Emme.

She just kicked my ass at checkers.

It didn't feel good, did it?

No.

But you know, there are some
upsides to getting older.

Yeah? Name one.

Uh...

You can give anyone you want the finger,

and they won't try and fight you.

Yeah, I do enjoy that.

Oh, and if you don't
want to talk to someone,

you just pretend you can't hear 'em.

What'd you say?

I said if you don't want to t...

(BOTH LAUGH)

- Nice.
- Ah, I'm still funnier than you.

Eh? And I can sh**t straighter, too.

I know, Dad.

Look, nothing's changed.

Okay?

You know, the toughest part
about this whole thing is...

when I'm not sure what to do, I ask you.

But because this was about you,

I had to do it on my own.

That's why it went so poorly.

(CHUCKLES SOFTLY)

You know,

I just thought of another upside:

if you do things right,

you raise a kid who cares
enough to really piss you off.

And you are just full
of compliments today.

(BOTH CHUCKLE)

Do I smell chicken, or
am I having a stroke?

Oh, oh. You know, I figured,

if you got to give something up,

you should get something back, right?

Fried food,

- hard liquor....
- Ah.

and tobacco.

- The holy trinity.
- The holy trinity.

Eh?

Ah. Ooh.

These are Cubans, huh?

Those Commies know how to roll a stogie.

And Mom never has to know.

Oh, she doesn't scare me.

But we better cr*ck a window.

She's got g*ns now.

I'm back, baby.

All right, that's the
g*ns all locked up.

Listen, Dad. If you
ever want to go sh**ting,

- I'd be happy to take you to the range.
- Sounds good.

There's a great chicken
joint on that side of town.

- Ooh.
- Okay, you can stop with the whispering.

I know about the fried chicken.

Our house smells like
Colonel Sanders got drunk

and caught on fire.

Okay, Bev, so we'll drop

the kids by Friday afternoon

on our way to the airport?

Oh, we won't be home then.

It's been a stressful week,

and Joe wants to get out
of town for a few days.

Yeah, all that Vegas
talk put me in the mood.

What?

You take away my g*ns,
I take away your Vegas.