02x02 - Power

[bunniefuu]

I think I should be doing more.
What are we? Six weeks away?

- Four.
- And that's it?

A meeting with a regional
bank manager and some local radio?

Well, Henry says after you spiked
that volleyball into that child

- you're an insurance risk.
- I should be out and about.

You get to go out to the radio station.

Yeah, Kook and the Bambino,
the voice of the Basin.

It's a sad comedown for a man

who used to light up
the switchboards at GB.

Ray Hadley would have me
back on in a heartbeat.

Alan Jones too, if he had one.

Henry says you need to run
this race on the home front.

Well, I'd be here on the phone,
I'd just sound like I was in Sydney.

Pol Pot used to say
that elections are won

on how things appear,
not on how things are.

Yeah, well, he'd know. Maybe we
should make him our campaign manager.

Henry wants a small-target
strategy this week.

They are harder this to hit,
unless you've got a volleyball.

Incidentally, where is Henry?

He had to fly to Prague to buy some art.

Good. Well, at least it had
something to do with the campaign.

- (PHONE ALERT SOUNDS)
- What's that?

It's never made that noise before.

- Mr Vole is here.
- How do I make it...

- (PHONE ALERT CONTINUES)
- How do you make it stop doing that?

Programmed all of your
appointments into your phone.

- : is Mr Vole from the bank.
- Why? I have a Filofax.

- Which you never look at.
- Well, that's 'cause Sonny has it.

He looks at it and he reads it to me.

You made me office manager
for a reason, Mr Dugdale.

Well, to be honest, that was
so you could manage that business

between Ellen and Carol
about their offices,

not so you could change the way
I'm used to doing things.

- (PHONE ALERT SOUNDS)
- I thought you turned that off.

I put in a -second reminder

because you sometimes get distracted.

- Well, I'm distracted by this.
- Mr Vole?

- What?
- Your : .

- Oh, yes!
- The bank manager.

- Yes, I know, it's in my Filo...
- Where's my Filofax?!

(SIGHS) Now YOU'RE distracting me.

- (KNOCK AT DOOR)
- Yes?

There's a Mr Vole
outside to see you, sir.

Yes, I know.

He says he knows he's minutes
early but he b*at the traffic.

He's not minutes early,
the appointment is for :

and now it's : .

I set your clocks ahead by minutes

because you're always running late.

(SIGHS) Well, what's the point of that?

- Good thinking, Rita.
- Thank you, Curtis.

It's not good thinking to set them ahead

and then tell me you've done so.

Otherwise, I'd just adjust it in my head

and I'm back where I was
where I started.

- Shall I send him in?
- Yes. Best not to keep him waiting.

Best decision you ever
made, Mr Dugdale, sir,

making Rita office manager.

She's got the whole office
humming along very nicely.

- Mm.
- What was the tune again?

March On, Bahamaland.

Would you hurry up
and send him in, please?

(SIGHS)

What does he want to speak
to me about, anyway?

It's on the briefing document
I put on your desk in front of you.

Oh.

Mr Dugdale, I was wondering

if I could talk to you about
that personal matter I mentioned.

- Oh.
- It will only take a second.

- Yes, I'm sorry, Rita.
- We have Mr Vole coming in.

- I'm sorry.
- Yes, sir.

- Maybe later.
- Mm-hm.

- (DOOR SLAMS)
- What did he reckon?

- CURTIS: That's why Mrs Dugdale's...
- Just a minute, Myles.

Sonny, he's joined
the volunteer firefighters.

Ellen's a ranger at the girl guides

and I'm emergency teacher
down at the deaf school.

Have to be one hell of an
emergency, Mr Dugdale says!

(LAUGHS)

And what civic work does Mr Dugdale do?

Does he run a spin class too?

Mr Dugdale will see you now, Mr Vole.

About bloody time.

I'll go and try and rub that penis off.

- Don't know who it was.
- They've used indelible texta.

This doesn't mean anything.

ELLEN: If you don't tell him, I will.

Well, we were going to tell him.

It's just Henry thought
we should wait a while.

What, until you'd spent
the million dollars

and Andrew couldn't return it?

I think you're overreacting.

This is a perfectly legitimate
data mining company.

Owned by an actual mining company,
owned by a holding company,

whose main shareholder is a
shelf company registered in Panama.

Shh!

Whose trustee is a director
of Rainbonergy,

whose owner is Fabian Silver, who
happens to run the biggest casino

and most of the media in this country.

And transparently so. We're
not trying to hide anything.

Silver has his finger in too many pies.

He wouldn't be throwing
his spare change at Andrew

if he didn't want something in return.

For the th time, the donor
is not Fabian Silver. It's...

Oh, yeah, a company who finds out
how people are going to vote.

Whose only customer is the party
and is bankrolled entirely

from its ministers'
taxpayer-funded allowance.

It's a not-for-profit company.
By the government.

Yeah, doesn't make a profit

because it makes million-dollar
donations to Andrew Dugdale.

Shh! Keep your voice down.

What's this to?

You do know how political donations
usually work, don't you?

- (CHUCKLES) Of course!
- Let me illustrate.

Money is given to fund
a party's political campaign.

It is declared and disclosed,

and has no connection in any way
to party policies

or how an individual politician
may or may not vote

in his electoral life.

What Henry has done is skewed
the system into a whole tangent,

creating an ultimate system
of political donations in which

Fabian Silver uses taxpayer money
to fund a political campaign,

influence party policy and target
the electorate most likely

to get him what he wants!

So, we go back to the future
and stop Biff

- from stealing the time machine?
- Agh!

Alright, so Andrew ends up having to
do some favours for the taxpayer.

Is that such a bad thing
for a politician?

Anyway, does it look like we're
being irresponsible with the money?

Not only... not only are we sharing
an office, we are sharing a desk!

You should shred those,
wipe that off and melt that down.

What about Carol's viral campaign video?

You can't tell me
that was money well spent.

Uh, I will have you know that that video

got over , hits in the first week.

Did you read the comments?

Haters gonna hate, Ellen,
that's the music business.

My agent reckons the RedTube version
nearly broke the internet.

Plus, I have had some
seriously positive feedback

from a producer in Germany.

- A producer, huh?
- Yeah, a producer.

A man can be interested in a woman

for reasons other than her body, Ellen.

Or maybe that's not been
your experience.

Oh, no, wait. I've seen
you naked. Definitely isn't.

When did you see me naked?

The campaign launch. The paddle-steamer.

We were sharing a cabin

and you were parading around
like a total lesbian.

- I thought you were asleep.
- I was pretending.

Girls, girls, please, come on.

Is this how you're going to behave
when we get to Canberra?

Do you think our country is governed
with all of this petty bickering

going on all the time in the background?

Hmm?

Alright, fair call, carry on.

What are you guys doing
in my office anyway?

Because the new office manager
said we had to share.

That's total bullshit.

Where am I supposed to put
my creative hothouse

with your crap all over it?

- Creative what-house?
- Hothouse.

- Oh.
- No!

This is our desk. Yours is there.

Yeah? Well that is some
more bullshit, right there.

Who is this a new office manager anyway?

I'm going to give him
a piece of my f*cking mind.

It's Rita.

Oh. I might actually
leave that, then.

(CHUCKLES) Scares the sh*t
out of me, that woman.

I heard she k*lled a man.

- Why all the salamis?
- Oh, Mum's coming in for lunch.

I think she's totally
got a tapeworm or something.

SONG: ♪ She can't help it,
the girl can't help it ♪

♪ If she walks by, the men
folks get engrossed ♪

♪ She can't help it, the
girl can't help it ♪

♪ If she winks an eye, the
bread slice turn to toast ♪

♪ Can't help it, the girl can't... ♪

You're looking positively
glowing, Mrs Dugdale,

if you don't mind me saying!

Completely inappropriate, Curtis.

♪ The girl can't help it,
she was born to please ♪

♪ She can't help it, the
girl can't help it. ♪

♪ And if she... ♪

(CAT SCREECHES)

Hmm, alright, so
let me get this straight.

Your bank is being compulsively acquired

so it can be knocked down
to make way for a forest.

Not just in my bank, Mr Dugdale.

The entire south-south-western
section of the town.

The strip mall, the Costco's,
the Bunnings, the recycling depot,

the landfill station.

The Nando's.

All swallowed up by this
bloody national park.

Well, I'm sure you'll be
very well compensated, Mr Vole.

I run a bank, Mr Dugdale.

It's not about the money.

We've been in this community since .

Offering low-interest loans
to tree changers

who wanted to put an extension
on their holiday homes,

or investment advice to retired hippies

on any number of the products
head office tell us we have to push.

We'd like to think
we've refinanced the debts of

almost everyone
in the Murray-Darling Downs

at one time or another, sometimes twice.

To see this grand old building,
and others just like it,

become an access road

for emergency vehicles to
fight fires in yet another forest

would k*ll my wife.

She's in real estate and leases out
quite a few of the properties.

Oh.

Excuse me, darling. Have you seen Carol?

- Um, have you checked her office?
- Mm.

I just stuck my head in there but
it was just Sonny and Ellen arguing.

Well, check behind the door,
because Rita's put in a card table.

Okey-dokey.

Oh. Hello, Mr Vole.

- How's Mrs Vole?
- Very well, thank you, Mrs Dugdale.

- Mm.
- She's enjoying the spinning.

Oh, good, good.

She told me you vomited
at the last session.

I hope you're feeling better.

A bit. Yes, I'm fine, thank you.

I didn't know you'd been ill, my angel.

Well, never follow a Halal snack pack

with half an hour of centrifugal force.

Trap for young players there!

(CHUCKLES)

Behind the door?

Yes. You'll probably hear
a thud as you open it.

That's beautiful.

RITA: You look nice today,
Mrs Dugdale.

I FEEL beautiful, Rita.

I've just done a sh**t for FFM.

Farms And Farm Machinery.

Have a look at that one of me on the
tractor in the top left-hand corner.

Wow!

Everyone said I made
Melania Tr*mp look like a nun.

Can I put that in the bin for you?

Hm! No.

I have plans for it.

I finally got it off, but look,
I've stained my trousers!

I can't ring Henry, he'll be asleep.

We're eight hours ahead of Prague.
It'd only be two in the morning.

- He'd still be having dinner.
- Alright, alright, think on this.

National parks are paid for
by the taxpayer, yeah?

Right.

So, this time, our benefactor
wants to fund this one himself.

Except it's going to cost
a hell of a lot more

than what's going into
Andrew Dugdale's warchest.

Since when has a national park
run by an energy company

- ever been a thing?
- Well, you know.

Public-private partnerships
are strange bedfellows, Ellen.

You know, Obayashi, they
built City Link years ago.

Now, they're working
on a space elevator.

Isn't Obayashi also the guy
that built the tower

that Bruce Willis threw
Professor Snape off in Die Hard ?

- That's Nakatomi Tower.
- Yes!

Think I might stay there
if I tour Japan.

Gunter's trying to get me
in the Budokan.

I'll bet he is!

Yeah, Seconds Of Summer
did their last live tour there.

f*cking rocked!

Why didn't Rita move her
to your old office?

She put Myles in there.

I wonder if she's thought of
calling herself Seconds Of Carol.

- Might be a bit too long.
- Wait, this is the good bit!

- ♪ I am Australia! ♪
- Ugh!

Ow! f*ck me!

I'm sorry, I'm late.

I had to get a top-up from
the little man at the servo.

Oh, he's going to regret that
unlimited refill policy. (CHUCKLES)

- Hi, guys. Want to see my spread?
- No, I'm good.

- Sonny?
- Mum, this better not swell up.

Gunter wants me to show him
my new moves on webcam tonight.

(GROWLS)

Are any of these pepperoni?

Ooh, two days of nothing but watermelon

and expired Ponderax,
I'm f*cking starving.

- Just over there by the window.
- No, no, no!

- No! No!
- Can't he share with Myles?

No offence, Curtis, but
it's very close in here already.

None taken!

I ran Rodrigo Duterte's mayoral campaign

from a cell half this size
and he never complained.

Yeah, but did he have to deal
with an idiot in the corner

- with banana peel on his head?
- Yes.

And Myles needs his space.

Why has Curtis got
a banana peel on his head?

Oh. Hazing the new boy, eh? Ha-ha!

Not going to fall for that old one.

(RADIO CHATTER)

(CLICKING)

(DOOR OPENS)

- (SIGHS)
- Well?

He's dealing with that banker
and she couldn't talk to me

because she's got
a mouthful of bratwurst.

Mm, I must say, Rita, you've taken
to the Aussie idiom really well.

- Shut the f*ck up, Myles.
- That is perfect.

You'll have to get him alone
this afternoon.

We've only got a week
until my expires.

- Mm-hm.
- I mean it, Myles.

I am not going back
to selling inflatable hammers

- on the Spratly Islands ferry.
- It's under control.

It had better be.

Because if I'm going down
I'm taking you all with me.

Help me practice my Kalaripayattu.

- It'll calm you.
- I can't.

I'm expecting a delivery
of photocopy paper.

There might be some in that cupboard.

It's locked.

Plus, Madame wants me to
run off copies of her

straddling various
agricultural products.

Come on.

I want to show you how smooth

my horse-to-snake-to-cat-to-panda
transitions are.

Cat to panda?

Sure. I've come a long way
since the weekend.

(SIGHS) I've only ever seen
my grandmother do cat to panda.

Well, then, this
is going to blow your mind.

I'll put the crash mats down.

Crash mats are for pussies, Myles!

- Do you want me to be the mongoose?
- Yeah.

Bring it.

Ashva Vadivu. The majestic horse
cantering to Malabar.

To Sarpa Vadivu.

The most sinuous and deadly
of all the yogic sutras.

To Marjara Vadivu, the most
catlike and feline of the species.

And finally, to Mastela Vadivu,

the almost always giant panda!

Mongoose!

I've married worse.

RADIO ANNOUNCER: Well, I hope
you're not all out of love.

Of course, if you are, why not
pop into Penhallick's Hardware,

see if they've got some love for you.

Of course, if they haven't,
they'll be able to get it in.

Penhallick's Hardware,

on the South Highway,
just next to Bunnings,

and proud sponsors
of Kook and the Bambino,

the voice of the Basin,

driving you home early on
this sunny Thursday afternoon.

It's a top of .

Can you give this
to the program director?

It's the dance remix version of my song.

minutes, but you can
probably fade it out after... .

I'm not sure it would fit in
with our playlist, Carol.

Well, just play it as
an intro to Dad, then.

Yeah, but then it becomes
a party political ad

and we'd have to pay for it.

Well, I could do it live,
as a part of the interview.

I've got the backing track.

But he's only got three minutes
and then we take callers.

How about I call in?

- I'll talk to him.
- Thanks.

It's : and coming up
at the bottom of the hour

ex-Prime Minister Andrew Dugdale
drops by to talk politics.

Ho-ho! Kook's nodding off already!

Wake up, Kookster! No,
Andrew Dugdale's a great guy

and I happen to know that he's
a big fan of the Skyhooks.

Can I have a word, Mr D?

Not now, Myles. They're
talking about me.

And a copy of Andrew's book is
up for grabs for one lucky listener.

Two copies, if you're unlucky.

No, I'm only kidding! Really, no
I like him, I like him a lot.

- Here's Jukebox In Siberia.
- Jeez, I hate this song.

Well, at least they plugged your book.

(JUKEBOX IN SIBERIA
BY SKYHOOKS PLAYS)

Keep it light, be relatable.
Avoid policy, no politics.

Well, I've got to address some policy.

We're taking callers, aren't we?

Well, deflect. Don't commit to anything.

I mean, offer, you know, platitudes
and sympathy, but nothing concrete.

Yeah, but I...

Name recognition alone's
going to win this.

It's about being, not doing.

You're a cipher onto which people
can project their own hopes

and dreams, desires and fears.

- Cipher? Alright!
- Alright!

It's like getting a pep talk
from Martin Heidegger.

I was thinking exactly the same thing.

I mean, how do we know all that
Halal stuff doesn't fund terrorism?

Have they proved that it doesn't?

Yes, well that's a question
I hear a lot, Shazza.

And it's all part of
the national conversation.

Thank you, Shaz!

Now, Andy, we have a Kook and
the Bambino celebrity challenge,

brought to you by Penhallick's!

(PIG SQUEALS, FANFARE PLAYS)

For you right now, if you're up for it.

Well, I'm not really
a celebrity, Bambino.

I'm more a public figure.

But I am happy to give it a burl.

Well, good on you, Andy!

Drumroll, thanks, Kookster!

- (DRUMROLL)
- Now, then, former Prime Minister

and present candidate for the seat
of Murray-Darling Downs...

Yes?

..which politician,
now they can be from your side,

from their side, whatever,
doesn't matter...

- Yes?
- ..would you...

Yes?

..turn gay for?

(SLEAZY MUSIC PLAYS)

Wow! That's a very interesting
question, Bambino.

Um, and certainly raises a lot
of issues for the LGBTQI community.

Well, of course, we're not
trying to offend anyone.

- Just a bit of fun.
- Sure.

Personally, I'm quite partial
to a BLT myself, now and then.

Oh. Yes.

And this is a regular segment?

Well, semi. It depends on who's in town.

Kevin Andrews did it for us
last month over the telephone.

- Ah, well, he's a good sport, Kevin.
- Oh, yes, he is.

- You know, he chose Sir Earle Page.
- Oh?

So, they don't have to be alive?

No, they can be dead, if you like.

Whatever floats your boat, Andy!

They don't even have to be Australian.

OK, well, let me think.

I don't think I've ever been asked
that question in my political life.

Can you just get out on with it?

We've got the stock report
at quarter to.

OK...

- Matteo Renzi.
- (FANFARE PLAYS)

Well, now!

You heard it first,
right here at Kook And The Bambino.

Andrew Dugdale says that he'd
get all chubby for Matteo Renzi.

Who... who exactly is that, mate?

He is the former
Prime Minister of Italy.

Right, well it's time
to hit the phones, folks,

because the best bawdy limerick

about Andrew Dugdale and
Matteo Renzi getting it on together

wins themselves a $ gift voucher
from K&M Timber Supplies.

K&M, where everyone gets wood.

But in the meantime,
let's take another caller.

We've got Reg from
Fingal's Creek on the line.

Reggie!

A regular caller
by the sound of it, Reg?

- No, first time I've rung.
- Oh.

Do you have a question
for Andy there, Reg?

I'm ringing about this new
national bloody park.

I see the value in it, in terms
of employment and tourism

and carbon credit offsets
and protecting the aquifier

and all that.

Yes, and not forgetting our
climate change rollback there, Reg.

And of course,
spending time with the family.

That's the main thing,

getting out there, going to picnics,
having sack races.

Oh, yeah, nah, I get all that.

But I heard that it's going to be
run by an energy company,

and they're going to knock down
the Nando's on Snail Street.

Well, Reg, it's not
unusual for consortiums

and government to work together
to build infrastructure projects.

And that's what this
national park is, in effect.

It's rebuilding the lungs of our country

and Rainbonergy want to be
a part of that.

I don't much like the idea of
the Chinese buying up our power...

- Don't look at me, I didn't tell him.
- Two points there, Reg.

Firstly, Rainbonergy
is an Australian company.

It's been around since .

And secondly, Fabian Silver
did very, very well

in the mineral resources boom

and he just wants
to give something back.

Seems like he's dug a lot of holes

and now he just wants
to put some trees in them!

(CHUCKLES) Yes, that's right,
Bambino. And the second point, Reg...

The Nando's, yes.

Because I really like their
garlic and herb chicken meatballs.

OK, well, I will be speaking
to Fabian Silver

and his representatives personally.

And we will be discussing

that access road that's taking out
half the high street,

and I'm sure it can be moved
to save those meatballs.

- (LINE RINGS)
- Come on...

Thank you, Reg!

Yes, what your listeners
have to realise...

Henry! It's me.

..very much like an octopus.

- Many arms...
- Henry!

It's Sonny.

If you're ringing about
the duty-free angora socks,

I'll pick them up on the way back
when we change planes in Zurich.

How's the boy wonder doing?

I'll take it.

And all the others as well.

Double whatever they want.

Because this speaks to me.

As it would the th century,

as he chased monks
from the Athos Mountains.

Who, having climbed to the top
of the ladder of divine ascent,

would achieve, as they gazed
upon the image of Christ,

a transfigurative rapture,

bathing their very soul
with pure and uncreated light.

Andrew wants to talk to you
about moving the access road

so they can save that Nando's.

You know, the one next to the bank
in Snail Street?

Tell Claudia to get the plane ready.

And as for the Francis Bacon
Triptych in the front room...

..I'll take the one on the left.

Burn the rest.

Of course I knew he was the donor!

You don't get to be Prime Minister
without having some awareness

- of what's going on around you.
- Hmm.

Sonny and I are going to
check out a few hotels

for the post-election party.

- We'll be back Monday.
- Alright.

Plus, his name was written
on the back of the whiteboard.

(PHONE RINGS)

It's the former Italian
Prime Minister again.

I'm not in!

He bought it.

- Well, this is the last time.
- I'm a new man, remember?

Guess what, everyone!

Oh, they haven't gone
and drawn another penis

on the bus again, have they?

No.