02x20 - Ear Scorn Registry Manuscript

[bunniefuu]

TIM: So you said it felt like
a twitching in your ear canal?

Yeah, and it hurts,
and it's driving me crazy.

Oh, I think I see something. Oh.

All right. (sighs)

You are in the capable
hands of a doctor.

- There.
- (grunts)

- Ew, yuck.
- What?

(gasps) Oh! It's so gross.

- (gagging)
- What is it?

There's a spider in your ear.

Yeah, right, you put that in there.

Oh, my God. I almost
barfed taking it out,

you think I could've
gotten that in there?

No! No, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no.

That's disgusting.
That is so disgusting.

Tim, no one can know about
this, especially Matt.

You know he is terrified of
spiders, and if he finds out,

he will never come near me again.

No, don't worry. You're protected
by doctor-patient confidentiality.

I'm gonna... Where'd it go?

- (gasping) It's still alive?
- Where is it?

- Aah, I don't know, I'm not a veterinarian.
- Oh, no.

- (door closing)
- TIM: Heather.

Heather, Heather, Heather.

The craziest thing ever
happened at work.

- Ooh.
- Ah, but I can't say what,

'cause I took a oath,
I could lose my license,

our whole family could go under.

Well, then, keep it to yourself, babe.

All right, fine, I'll tell you,
but I'm not gonna say any names,

and you can't say anything to anyone.

You guys will not believe what
happened to Tim the other day.

He pulled a spider out of someone's ear.

(clattering)

GREG: Do you know that if you have a bug

or any kind of insect living inside you,

- you're not even a person anymore.
- Hmm.

You're just a host.

- Whoa.
- Interesting.

JEN: You know what else you are?

Just disgusting.

- Like, jump off a bridge.
- JEN: Yeah.

- Purify yourself with fire.
- Yeah.

Who farted?

(laughs)

I want to sue Tim.

Ooh, okay. Yeah, let's do it.

- Do you have a reason? It could be small.
- Yes I do.

He broke doctor-patient confidentiality.

He told Heather
about the spider in my ear.

That was you?

Ugh, oh, my God. Oh, my God.

I've used your headphones. (gasps)

And you know what? No.

Sadly, you don't have a case,

because he didn't mention you by name.

Can we lie?

Well, yeah, but then
he could just sue you.

Oh, man, this just keeps getting worse.

Okay, do you promise that you
won't tell anyone about this?

Yeah, attorney-client privilege.

That's what Tim said.

Well, yeah, but I'm actually

good at my job, so...

Also, I'm gonna have
to charge you for this.

Oof. Do you believe Tim's gross story?

Makes me want to sleep with headphones.

I'm glad you borrowed
that pair from Colleen.

You know, um, maybe it's best
we just leave it alone.

Like, weird things just,
sometimes, happen to people.

That is so not what you said
when I fell up the stairs.

Well, I just wouldn't want that person

to overhear us, like, mocking
them, and then to feel bad.

Are you saying that patient zero
is inside the house?

I can't say.

(gasps) But you only say that

when you're representing someone.

Are you representing them?

- Can't say.
- Wow, you are.

- Let's see. It isn't us.
- No.

(low, indistinct conversations)

Okay. Heather brought it up, okay?

But Tim found it.

Nothing is getting
through my dad's ear hair,

and Mom won't let Tim touch her. So...

(snaps fingers, gasps)

- Yes!
- No.

- Greg. Don't.
- Boom. I got it.

- Watch. Watch this.
- Greg.

Greg... No.

JEN: Greg.

Hey, Matt,

guy with a bug in his ear says what?

Excuse me?

Ha! I thought so.

Yeah. 'Cause Jen told me

that Spider Guy was here in the house.

Yeah. And I deduced that it's Matt

because I'm smart and you're gross.

Quick, everybody, make fun of Matt.

- Matt sucks.
- Good one, Dad.

You guys all know how I get
around spiders, right?

If one crawled out of my ear,

I would literally pull
a double van Gogh,

and die from what a filthy
little animal I am,

and based entirely on the way

that Colleen's palm sweat
has soaked through her pants,

I'm thinking that this
story is about her.

- Oh, my God!
- Damn it.

None of this would've happened

if you kept your big mouth shut, Tim.

Whoa! Ho, ho, ho, don't look at old Tim.

Heather's the one who
can't keep a secret.

Hey! Greg is the one
who started naming names.

What? No way. It's Jen's fault.
She's the one

who told me it was
someone in this house.

My fault? Colleen came
to me unsolicited,

and told me she wanted to sue Tim.

(scoffs) Get in line.

Ugh, this would've never happened

if you kept your big mouth shut, Tim!

Whoa! Ho, ho, ho, don't look at old Tim.

- Heather's the one who can't...
- Oh, hey, okay. Come on.

- We're not gonna go through this again.
- JOAN: No, that's enough.

A family doesn't behave like this.

You don't go around blaming each other.

That being said, this is
absolutely your fault, Tim.

Whoa! Ho, ho, ho.

Whoa! Ho, ho, whoa, ho, ho.

Confidentiality is never broken.

Especially in a family.

I mean, you've all come
to me as a therapist.

How would you feel if I revealed

that one of you wet the bed
into adulthood?

Or had an emotional affair

with your tennis coach?

Or, or got an erection

during a Pixar movie?

(clears throat)

WALL-E looked like my first girlfriend.

_

So, Heather, you really think

he'll grow out of wanting to
sleep in our bed every night?

Oh, yeah, come on, I told you
he'd learn to wipe himself

- before middle school, didn't I?
- (door opens)

You are such a good mom, Heather.

- Oh, thank you.
- (door closes)

- Hi.
- Oh, hey!

Sorry, just wanted to come by

and bring back these hand-me-downs.

No offense, but I think we
want to make our own stains.

(laughter)

What are you, what are
you doing off of work?

Oh, we had to take our vacation days.

Yeah, one of the partners

had what the psychologist called

a "fecal freak-out"
in the office bathroom,

which was not something
HR wanted happening twice.

Oh, well, the exciting life of a lawyer.

You guys, this is my sister-in-law, Jen.

- Hi.
- This is Patty, Kevin's mom. Irene,

Daisy's mom, and Marsha
has the triplets.

- Whoa.
- I love your necklace.

Oh, thank you. It's new.

- Yeah, my husband got it for me.
- Aw.

He hasn't seen it yet.

(laughter)

God, you look so nice,
and we're all just super cas.

Oh, well, hey, if it makes
you feel any better,

I haven't washed my bra in a month.

Well, I'm dressed casually
because I get puked on a lot.

Oh, yeah, I can imagine with triplets.

- And my husband's an alcoholic.
- (quietly): Yeah.

Oh, hey. Do you want a glass of wine?

Listen, Marsha brought a whole box.

Wow. White wine in the afternoon.

Feel like a dentist's wife.

(laughter)

It was so nice hanging out with
other moms instead of lawyers.

You know? Like, I actually felt heard.

Oh, honey, of course you're pretty.

Hey, uh, I got this new
patch growing in the back,

will you just do it for me?

Y-You know, I think for
the sake of our marriage,

we should just, each be responsible
for our own hair removal.

(low, indistinct conversations)

(laughter)

Hey!

ALL: Hi.

Wow, you guys look so different.

I didn't know that we
were showering today.

- Take a seat. We got big news.
- Yeah.

Oh, oh.

Patty finally got her son
to sleep in his own bed.

- Oh, Pat...
- JEN: Yeah. So,

we just need to figure
out how to get Marsha

to get her husband to
sleep in his own bed

instead of in the driveway
with his head on the horn.

(laughter)

Okay.

Yeah... O-Okay. But, yeah.

Oh, yeah, she just waltzed in, you know,

in her fancy clothes,
bragging about her job.

Oh, that feels so good,
it's like a massage.

- All right, all done.
- (buzzing stops)

No, no, no, couple more minutes, please.

- (buzzing resumes)
- Okay.

All right, I know this sounds crazy,

but I felt like the girls...

like Jen better than they liked me.

Ah, don't worry, the more
they get to know her,

the more she'll make them
feel fat, dumb and bald.

(sighs)

Okay, ladies, it was not
easy with the book fair

and the school gala coming up,

but guess who got us all set up

(singsongy): for spa day?

Was it Jen?

No. No, it-it was me.

It wasn't Jen, she's off
prioritizing work again,

- but, guys, I-I set us up!
- (all chuckle)

All right, let me text Jen
to make sure she can come.

Oh, my God, you have
her number? Give it to me.

Okay, guys? Hi... Listen, you know what?

This is the only weekend that we can go,

- so I don't think it really matters if Jen's available
- (phone chimes)

- because we... Yeah?
- MARSHA: So Jen just texted,

"In meeting," and then the
kitty Home Alone face,

- IRENE: Mm!
- with a g*n.

(women laugh)

(laughing): She's gonna k*ll
herself! Oh, my God, I get it!

Wait, you don't think she's
really gonna do it, do you?

No, I don't. I think there's
only one person in this room

that's really gonna k*ll herself.

(crying)

IRENE: Aw.

(crying continues)

(phone chiming)

Hey, listen, Jen,

I'm sorry that you can't
make it to spa day,

but we can't just rearrange the schedule

because you're busy with work.

You know, we're busy, too.

Okay, yeah, cool, so just go without me.

Okay, well, they don't
want to go without you.

That's the problem.

You know, they're shaving
above the knee now.

That's on you.

Well, I'm honestly surprised
they have time to do that.

- (phone chimes)
- I mean, these women with the group texting.

It's like oy vay.

Also, what does "black thumbs down,

heart, heart, eggplant" mean?

Well, Patty has a love-hate
thing with baba ghanoush.

- Which you would know
- Oh, okay.

if you were half as invested
in these women as I am.

And, what... Are those free sodas?

Yeah, yeah, they'll do anything
to keep us in the office.

Oh, God, well, at least
you have an office.

Tim fired me from the only
job that I've ever had.

And now working moms judge
me because I stay at home.

- Yeah, Heather, the thing is, like,
- (soda can opens)

stay-at-home moms judge me
because I leave my kid all day.

I guess I'll cut to the chase

just because I'm-I'm losing
billable hours here.

My point is, everyone judges everyone

for everything and life is just,
really, a lose-lose.

God, it is so good to hear you say that.

I think what's best for us
is probably that

I'm just not a part of your friend
group anymore. (typing on phone)

Oh, honey, they are never
gonna let you go.

Really? Watch this.

(phone chimes)

"Stop texting me all day,
I have a real job."

(snaps fingers) Boom.

That is so nuclear.

Thank you.

(quietly): Yep.

But seriously, I do have a real job,
so you need to go.

- Thank you.
- I'm just kidding.

Yeah, okay.

Marriage is like a
NASCAR race: it goes on,

and on, and on, and on, and on,
and on, and on, and on forever,

and in the end, there's only one winner.

_

Oh, weddings are so fun.

(chuckles)

Have you given any thought
to the guest list?

Because my friends Elizabeth
and Margaret are a hoot.

- Ooh.
- Their husbands just d*ed,

but they never bring that up

- unless it's organic to the conversation.
- Mm.

- Actually, Mom?
- What, honey?

We've been trying to keep
costs low, so we're only

- inviting the family to Mexico.
- COLLEEN: Mm-hmm.

- Oh.
- (door opens)

COLLEEN: Oh, but keep that

to yourself 'cause a certain someone

doesn't know yet
and she tends to respond

really poorly to surprising news.

It was supposed to be
partly sunny today.

I put on a shirt for nothin'!

God!

What does she usually wear?

She's been going through
a tube top phase.

- Come here! Come here, come here, come here!
- Oh! Oh!

I-If this is about dr*gs,

I-I-I don't have any.

Unless you also have osteoporosis.

Nah, my bones are strong.

I nursed straight from a cow for
the first six months of my life.

I was actually hoping that you could
help me out with something.

I got Matt and Colleen an
awesome wedding gift,

but I want to keep it a surprise.

And if they're anything
like me, the second

I walk out of this house,

they are sneaking in here,
trying on my pants.

So could I store it at your place?

Oh, sure.

Oh, sweet.

Check it out.

I wanted to get something

- they can really use.
- Yeah.

Ooh.

- (screams excitedly)
- (screams)

- It's Dale Earnhardt!
- Ah!

- Who?
- A racecar driver.

Oh, yes, yes.

I think that's Beethoven.

Ah, son of a Ritz!

Nobody wants this in their house.

God, why would they sell
a Beethoven at a gas station?

Dougie... (grunting)

Don't-Don't be so hard on yourself.

Ugh. What do you know?

Just 'cause you carry a purse that zips,

you think you know stuff?

No, no, no, I'm just a therapist.

Oh, that's how you make
your purse money, I get it.

God, just quit bragging.

- Well...
- I'm sorry.

Do you think you could
help me out or what?

Sure, we could, we could start
with three times a week

and go up from there.

No, no, no, I mean help me get a gift.

I don't need a therapist.

I am so normal.

Dear, there's a very big
snake in your bed.

You want to pet him?

Hey, Joan?

Joan, does this tiny, little cup

make me look like Shakespeare?

Four score and seven...

And bucks ago.

Damn it!

- Ugh.
- (glass shatters)

- No, no, I'm so sorry.
- Oh!

- I can't touch expensive things.
- Oh, no.

We have this whole registry
to choose from.

I need it to be awesome.

This is my first destination wedding.

And are the beaches nude?

And if not, how steep is the fine

for going nude on a beach
that's not nude?

Also, do you want to room together?

Oh... sure.

I haven't received my invitation yet.

Well, you can be my plus-one.

Matt and Colleen are like family to me.

They're the only real friends I have.

So, you know?

We're like... (laughs)

- Okay, sweetie,
- Well...

w-where are your shoes?

Oh, I'm doing this whole,
like, Hawaiian thing.

- Just, yeah.
- Yeah.

But do you know where you left them?

Uh, there's a turquoise stool somewhere.

Okay.

I just want to get your shoes, and then,

we'll go shopping somewhere else.

- All right.
- All right?

- God, this-this feels nice.
- Come on, sweetie.

I think you two need

to invite Dougie to your wedding.

What did you do, and how did
Dougie get pictures of it?

No, because she has a good heart.

It's on the wrong side,

but then, apparently,
all her organs are.

- Right.
- Uh-huh.

I hung out with Dougie today.

- Oh.
- Oh.

Well, it's really sweet
that you're thinking of her, Joan,

but we want to stick to family only.

You know, sometimes family
isn't defined just by blood,

which is no longer clotting
in her feet, by the way.

Wow, you guys went deep today.

(knock on door)

Dougie, we wanted to talk
to you about something.

These are absolutely my pants.

Well, they're totally mine,

but we want to talk to you
about something else.

We want to invite you to our wedding.

I'm gonna be the maid of honor?

- Ooh.
- Oh.

All right, guys!

- (laughs)
- You guys!

Geez, I mean, what kind
of family would we be

if we didn't support Mom's dreams?

A regular one.

Well, you can be regular.
I choose to be irregular.

_

I'd like to ask you all
a favor and I need you

to be completely honest with me.

I wonder if you would all

read my book and give me your thoughts.

(light muttering)

I don't know, Joanie.

Th-This was the week
I was finally gonna get into sushi.

Well, Professor Wilde thinks that a
family gives the most honest feedback,

and he wants to moderate
a family book club over here.

- JOHN: Oh.
- JEN: Oh, well...

I wouldn't want to use
the bar mitzvah excuse again.

You've never used that excuse.

Oh, well, then that's what I have.

Tim and I would love to,
but we just started the Bible.

We heard great things.

It's fine. It's all... it's fine.

It's just fine.

What are we talking about?

Uh, Mom wants us all to read her book,

but unfortunately, none of us can.

What? Of course we can.
Come on, make the time, people.

Chop-chop.

Geez, I mean, what kind
of family would we be

if we didn't support Mom's dreams?

Sounds good to me.

- Yeah, we really...
- I can't wait.

- You know what, of course we'll read it.
- (overlapping chatter)

Aw. Oh, thank you so much.

- I'll go get the copies.
- Okay.

And don't worry, it's-it's
really a quick read.

Before you know it, you'll be like,

"Oh, I'm on page . No way.

- I just started."
- (laughter)

I'll be right back.

- (laughs)
- Thanks, Greg.

Now we all have to read
pages of Mom's erotic fantasies.

Oh, God.

You know, I love Joan, but
I'm not gonna read pages

unless there's Waldos to find.

Yeah, and-and I still
have that bar mitzvah.

Oh. Son of Joan.

- Yeah.
- Ah, Professor Wilde.

Your mother invited me

to facilitate this literary discussion.

It also gives you a chance to purchase

my own masterpiece.

Professor Wilde's Wild Word Searches.

Yes, and if books aren't your thing,

I also operate a mobile car wash

where you can also buy my book
should you change your mind.

Oh.

(chuckles)

Yes, good.

(groans)

Hey, guys. You ready
to talk about Mom's book?

Oh, man, I-I got to say,
I owe you an apology.

Apology accepted.

I thought this was fantastic.

- Yeah.
- COLLEEN: Yes, yes.

I mean, once I got used to the way

- that she spelled vag*na, I was hooked.
- Well...

The woman knows longing and now so do I.

Yeah, yeah. It's great.
I laughed out loud.

Really?

'Cause it was relentlessly sad.

I mean, a baby d*ed every few pages.

Well, yeah, but between the dead babies,

I mean, there were some solid laughs.

(gasps) You didn't read it, did you?

- (gasps)
- HEATHER: Uh-uh.

Of course I did.

Name one character.

Bill Flar... gus.

- Nope.
- (scoffs)

Bill Flargus, Esquire?

Okay, fine, I didn't read the book.

- Oh! - Ah!
- Greg!

Greg, come on, man!

You are the only reason
that we did this.

Yeah, I mean she dedicated
the book to you

and there are, like, six
characters in there named Greg.

Guys, it's not easy
being Mom's north star, okay?

Look, just tell me what the book
is about and I'll fake it.

- (laughs)
- Mm-mm.

- Oh, no. N-N-N-N-No way.
- Mm.

You guys are being
real immature, you know that?

Daddy!

Hey, Dad, um, I need your help.

I didn't read Mom's book,
so, could you just tell me what happens?

Aw, Greg, why didn't you read it?

Well, that thing weighs a ton
and you know how bad my back is.

I mean, once Mom put it in the car,

there was no way it was coming out,

and I don't read
while I drive, it's not safe.

Well, that's a lousy excuse.

All right, I'll tell you about
the book, but I got to warn you,

there's a lot of vajinna talk.

Well, thank you all for coming
together for Joan's book,

which I personally
found incredibly banal.

Oh, no. You didn't like it?

- Oh, is-is that what that word means?
- Yeah.

Oh dear, looks like I have some
online reviews I need to revise.

- (Wilde laughs)
- (laughs lightly)

Look, today I need you all
to be brutally honest with me.

Well, in that case,
I saw Professor Wilde

- going through your underwear drawer.
- (laughs nervously)

Greg, why don't you just
get us started here?

Yes, Gregory,

- we'd love to hear your thoughts.
- Yeah.

Well, Matthew, Heather, I
would be delighted to discuss

our mutual mother's novel,
'cause I, for one, loved it.

I thought it was fantastic.

I mean really, just incredible
stuff all around.

Inspired, really. I mean,
especially that ending.

I didn't see it coming.

- Mm.
- Oh, right.

I mean, when the m*rder*r

turns out to be the palomino, I mean.

What palomino?

The palomino with the, uh, the, uh,

the v-v-v-vajinna, the fajita.

- Wh... uh...
- Mm-hmm.

Oh, you didn't read it, did you?

- (whistles)
- You set me up?! Dad!

- Oh, Gregory.
- Mm.

- I can't believe you didn't read
our mutual mother's book. - God.

HEATHER: The important thing here

is that Greg proved himself
to be a huge disappointment.

Huge.

Wait, I... your lie has
given me an-an idea.

What if Judge Jasmine has been lying
to cover up the fact

that she gave away her
love child, Greg, years ago.

Oh, that-that's brilliant.

- Yes!
- What's funny is, I was thinking

just the exact same idea
right after you said it.

I mean it's genius.

And I don't just bandy
that word around, you know?

Well, it's actually here on your card.

It says, "Genius Car Detail.

Have your car washed by a genius."

Thank you, honey.

Your lie saved my book.

- Oh, boo.
- Boo.

Well, h-happy to help, Mom,
in any way I can.

And, uh, I know I speak
for everyone here,

especially Matthew and Heather,

when I say we can't wait
to read your rewrite.

- Yeah.
- Yeah, we're looking forward to it.