02x19 - Don't Go Pranking My Heart

[bunniefuu]

[ROCK MUSIC]

Alexander Hamilton was
one of the Founding Fathers

- of the United States.
- [PHONE JINGLES]

Hello? Yes, this is she.

No, I'm not doing anything important.

He was the first
Secretary of the Treasury.

Ashley, what are the rules?

No talking when Ms. Snap
is on a personal call.

Now what was that?

I won the Golden Pencil Teaching Award?

Are you effing serious?

Oh, my God, this must be
what if feels like

to win the First Impression
rose. [LAUGHS GLEEFULLY]

Uh, yes, yes, I am still here.

What about my report on
Alexander Hamilton?

Ashley, Ms. Snap just won

the highest teaching honor in the world.

No one cares about some dead guy
who wrote a musical.

[SCOFFS]

I am amazing!

Congratulations again on
this incredible honor, Ms. Snap.

And that, my little duderinos,

is how you pull off
an epic April Fools prank.

But you didn't say, "April Fools."

Patience, young Rodney.
Ms. F. likes her pranks

like her Taco Bell Smothered Burritos.

She lets 'em marinate for awhile.

Whoo!

See? Marinating.

[ROCK MUSIC]

♪ Tear it down ♪

Feldman, your April Fools
jokes are so bogus.

You need to tell Chelsea the truth.

She's gonna think she's good at her job,

and that's just not fair
to her students.

That would ruin it.

Be like giving away the ending
of "The Sixth Sense,"

you know, that Bruce Willis
is a pedophile.

He's not a pedophile. He's dead.

Oh...

Oh, that's why his wife
won't talk to him.

Everybody, shut up! [GIGGLES]

[PLAYS KAZOO]

Ladies and gentlemen,

may I present to you
the beautiful and the bold,

the bold and the beautiful,
my best friend...

- Oh, my God.
- Okay.

I won the Golden Pencil Award.
I'm so excited.

I am taking out a full-page
congratulations ad

in "The Chicagoland Gazette."

That costs a lot of money.

Yeah, you might wanna
pump the brakes on...

Good morning!

Oh, good, I'm so glad you're all here.

I have some exciting news to share.

It has been days

and nearly as many tear-filled nights

since I've been able to say this, but...

I have a boyfriend!

- [GASPS, CHATTER]
- Oh, my God, get it, girl!

It feels so good to say that again.

Who's the lucky fella?

- Toby.
- [COUGHS]

- Wait, what?
- Principal Pearson?

- Mm-hmm.
- Are you serious?

I know it may come as a shock,

but we both have been spending
a lot of time together,

and we really like each other.

Dude, no offense,

but I didn't even know
that guy had a d*ck.

It doesn't matter
if Toby has a d*ck or not.

Caroline, we're all
really happy for you.

Thank you.

I normally wouldn't kiss and tell,

but this feels selfish
to only share with my diary.

It is the most amazing sex
I have ever had.

He's incredible.

This morning, he literally
banged my headband right off.

- Oh, no, God, stop.
- Holy balls.

Good morning, ladies.

How are you all doing today?

Lovely day outside, isn't it?

All right then.

- Caroline...
- Hm?

You left this
in the backseat of my Subaru.

Thank you.

♪ ♪

[PLAYFUL MUSIC]

What's he doing with my classroom?

♪ ♪

Jerk.

♪ ♪

Hey, dude, before you spend
all that money on an ad,

I gotta take a truth dump on ya.

I just got off the phone with my mom.

She is so proud that I won
the Golden Pencil Award.

The same mom you haven't spoken to in...

Six years, yeah,

and she has never told me
that she's proud of me before,

not even when I made it to callbacks

for "Albania's Next Top Model." [SCOFFS]

The population is smaller,
so my odds are increased.

I can't believe it finally happened.

My mom is proud of me, Feldman.

Wow.

I just wish she could
make it to the ceremony.

- Ceremony?
- Yeah, you know.

On the website, it says
they give out the award

at the winner's home school. [LAUGHS]

Everyone is gonna be so inspired,

they will wanna rename
the school after me.

Snap School.

Right...

the award ceremony.

Totally. [FAINT CHUCKLE]

I'm way steep in dookie, dude.

How am I gonna pull off
an award ceremony?

You've gotta tell her the truth.

She's practicing her mom hugs on me.

She keeps whispering, "I forgive you."

[SIGHS] That's why I can't tell her.

They just started talking again.

So what happened?

So I came back from getting art supplies

to find Frank, in a fit of rage,

throwing my cart down the hallway.

Did he really throw it?

Well, not literally,
but metaphorically, yes.

Bottom line, Frank is a huge assh*le.

He's behind me, isn't he?

Oh, hey, Frank.

I'm sorry if I offended you this morning

by moving your art cart,

but it was just blocking my office door.

Oh, no, no, that wasn't about you.

I was talking about another guy,

whose name is also Frank...

who moved my grocery cart...

At the grocery store.

Good to see you, Frank.

I mean, that made sense, right?

No.

Toby the Tiger, you wanted to see me?

Shh.

You can only call me that
behind closed doors.

This morning with
the other teachers was weird.

Did you, by any chance,
mention our situation to them?

Oh, yeah, but don't worry,
it's not a big deal.

Yes, it is a big deal, Care Bear.

I'm evaluating all the teachers today,

and if they know I'm your boyfriend,

it diminishes my authority.

They need to see me as
the alpha lion of this pride.

Well, if they'd seen the way

you took me in the back of
your Forester this morning,

they would.

Mm.

I'm just glad that bad boy
has memory seating.

- [CHUCKLES]
- [EXHALES SOFTLY]

Listen, I don't want work
to be any different.

- Yeah.
- We just need to do something

that'll make them think it's not weird.

Welcome, ladies.

Thank you for stopping by the lounge.

We work here?

- Make yourselves right at home.
- Is this a dream?

Quick, Chelsea, pinch my bottom.

- What? No.
- Come on.

As everyone knows,
Caroline and I are dating,

and we invited you here

to assure you that nothing will change

just because we're together.

- Mini quiche, anyone?
- You all must try one.

Caroline has the moistest
little quiche I've ever eaten.

Yum, yum, yum.

I could eat it all day.

[LAUGHS]

Mmm.

♪ ♪

Oh, yeah.

♪ ♪

Mm.

Tastes funny when you eat your own.

- Mm.
- [ALL GROANING]

[ROCK MUSIC]

♪ Tear it down ♪

♪ Tear it down ♪

Tell me, Ms. Bennigan,

how would you rate your overall
performance this year?

[TENSE MUSIC]

Ms. Bennigan?

Quiche!

Students need a tangible way
to measure their progress.

Do you object to the idea
of frequent testing?

Not at all.

I have no objections to your testes...

I mean, testes.

Testes.

Oh, my God.

I don't think it's weird.

I once dated a man with a small leg.

Okay, we're done here.

- Chelsea...
- [SOBBING]

Are you devastated because you found out

a recent accomplishment
of yours isn't real?

No, these are tears of joy.

Oh.

Everyone thinks
I have this perfect life,

because my ankles are so
thin they're unstable,

but this year has been
really hard on me.

My two-finger thigh gap has
become a one-finger thigh gap,

which means either
my thighs are getting fat,

or I have Elton John sausage fingers!

[LAUGHS]

But after winning this award,

it finally feels like
my life is worth living again.

You know?

Plus, I just found out
there's a $ , cash prize.

[LAUGHS] Look!

Oh, sh*t...

am I jealous of you.

[LAUGHS]

My evaluation went terribly.

I never knew
the devil could take the form

of Caroline's moist quiche.

Mine sucked too.

You're overreacting.
I'm sure they went fine.

Oh, easy for you to say.

Your evaluation was probably oral.

- Evaluations are in!
- Ooh.

Ooh, and envelopes,
just like the Oscars.

- Cool.
- Thank you.

Ah, not one mention of quiche.

Mine's decent.

He just suggests I get
some WD- for my cart.

Hm, not bad,

although he says I sometimes
dress inappropriately.

[SCOFFS] Which is crazy.

- [GIGGLES]
- What does your evaluation say?

♪ ♪

Nothing, just... "good job."

- Good job?
- Mm-hmm.

- Hm. [SCOFFS]
- Deb, give it back!

- [CLEARS THROAT]
- [LAUGHS]

"I'm so happy I found you,
with hair so fair.

"My favorite educator,
my delectable Care Bear.

"Cute as a button,
you could never disappoint.

For this evaluation,
you get each and every point."

You got an evaluation poem?

[LAUGHS]

An evaluation poem?

I thought we were gonna
keep things professional.

I'm sorry, you're right.

I shouldn't have written you a poem.

But did you see how I rhymed
"hair so fair" with "Care Bear"?

- Hm.
- I didn't even have to use...

BOTH: Rhymezone.com.

I know. It was very impressive,

but now they all think
you're favoring me.

Oh, crap. What do you want me to do?

Nothing. Don't do anything.

Just act normal.

Okay, I can do that.

Can you believe the way Frank
verbally att*cked me before?

I mean, what was he doing

listening to my conversation anyway?

He's basically stalking me.

He's behind me again, isn't he?

Hey, Frank.

[ROCK MUSIC]

Top-of-the-line seats, my man.

Very durable.

Top-shelf pleather.

And they've only been
slept on ten times, max.

Very... easy...

to... remove!

See? [CLEARS THROAT]

Easily removable. Check 'em out, man.

Feldman, what are you doing?

I'm raising money for Chelsea's award.

You should just tell her the truth.

Nah, I'd rather sell my seats
and hold a fake ceremony.

It seems easier.

Is that guy allowed
near an elementary school?

[GRUNTS]

- I'll take 'em.
- Okay!

Eric, my main man.

That'll be $ , .

Well, how about...

[SIGHS]

... [SNIFFS]

and dollars...

and cents?

[SNIFFS]

♪

About the evaluations...

Uh, I meant to say "testing."

No, no, it's not about that.

It's actually about Care Bang...

I mean, Head Band... I mean, Care Bear.

Jeez-o-Pete.

Please don't be mad at Caroline.

I'm not mad at her.

Did she tell you I was?

Yes... no.

I mean...

I think you and the gals
really hurt her feelings.

Okay.

So maybe you and the others
could apologize to her.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

♪ ♪

Oh, and please don't tell her
that I talked to you.

Yo, Care Bear, your little bitch boy

just told me to apologize to you.

What? I'm sorry, I told him not to.

Jesus, now I have to watch
what I say around you.

You know I can't filter.

Stop talking about us to our boss.

I told you not to say anything.

She told you?

I'm sorry, Care Bear. Let me fix this.

No! You've already made it worse.

Just stop. Don't do anything.

Mrs. Adler?

Mrs. Adler...

Mrs. Adler!

Caroline knows way too much.

If she tells Pearson
about that underage gymnast

I hooked up with
at the Olympics, I am screwed.

- [SIGHS]
- Oh, what?

I'm supposed to know he was young,

because he was hairless?
They all shave their bodies.

- Hi, guys.
- [GASPS]

- I have to go.
- Me too.

- Me too.
- Same.

Oh. Uh... okay.

I guess I'll see you all later then?

[DOOR SLAMS SHUT]

None of them will talk to me anymore.

I knew you shouldn't have told them.

Oh, so now this is my fault?

I'm just trying to help, Care Bear.

Stop calling me Care Bear! It's stupid!

I am an adult woman!

Yes, I know.

[SOMBER MUSIC]

I just don't know if this is working.

What?

[QUIRKY TENSE MUSIC]

- [MACHINE BEEPS]
- Ms. Watson...

your presence is requested
in the principal's office.

[BEEPS] Unfortunately, I can't,

because my presence
is requested by my students,

you know, so I can do my job.

Please keep reading
"Charlotte's Web," everyone.

We wanna find out what happens
to Wilbur, don't we?

[BEEPS] Ms. Watson...

you know I'm too
emotionally fragile for this.

- Please.
- [BEEPS]

I haven't been this mad at you
since you criticized

the design elements on "Fixer Upper."

I don't want to get into this again,

but no one should ever do
that much shiplap.

It's too much!

How dare you criticize Joanna and Chip.

Shiplap is timeless!

♪ ♪

[ROCK MUSIC]

So humbled to win this award.

- Marry, [BLEEP], k*ll.
- Yes, I love this game.

Mr. Spinnoli, Frank,

- and Mr. Higgins.
- Mm.

Marry Mr. Higgins,
k*ll Spinnoli, [BLEEP] Frank.

- We were just...
- No, it's okay.

Oh.

This is the best we've done today.

Yeah. Yeah.

[SIGHS]

Sorry you want to k*ll me, Cecelia.

Come on, guys, take your seats.

Are we okay?

I just don't want to be the person

who gets in the way
of you doing your job.

That's Feldman.

And I don't want to be the person

who comes between you and your friends.

I know how important those gals...

- You can just say "women."
- Women are to you.

So what do we do?

What's up, y'all?

I'm Eric from the, uh,
Golden Pencil Company.

How are y'all doing today?

Whoo! All right!

When I say "Golden," you say "Pencil."

Pencil... sh*t!

I was supposed to say "Golden."

- All right, all right.
- Thanks, Eric,

from the official
Golden Pencil headquarters.

Chelsea, Fillmore is so proud of you.

Aw. [LAUGHS GLEEFULLY]

Please accept this well-deserved trophy

and your first installment
of your $ , prize.

Oh, this is so great.

Oh, my God, it's so heavy.

- Oh.
- [LAUGHS]

[CHUCKLES] Wow, I don't even know.

I don't even have anything prepared,

but... hold on.

[CHUCKLES]

[SNIFFLES, EXHALES SOFTLY]

[TRIUMPHANT MUSIC]

I am so humbled to win
this Golden Globe...

Pencil.

I totally deserve it. [CHUCKLES]

Thank you, me! [LAUGHS]

- Yay!
- I also have something to say.

What's going on?

[GRUNTING SOFTLY]

After much consideration,

and after many wonderful years,

I've decided to step down
as principal of Fillmore.

- [ALL GASPING]
- Oh, my God.

[SOLEMN MUSIC]

No!

♪ ♪

Toby, please, you can't leave Fillmore.

This is what's best for both of us,

if we want this seed of romance

to have a chance to bloom into
a majestic Plumeria.

[WHIMPERS] I...

I don't know what to say.

This is more thoughtful
than when you binge-watched

the last season of
"International House Hunters"

with me.

Those people are insufferable,

but I'd do anything for you.

- [WHIMPERS]
- [KNOCK ON DOOR]

♪ ♪

Hey.

If this is because of us, don't leave.

We just need a little time
to get used to it.

Yeah, you can't leave, man...
I mean, Pearson...

I mean, Principal Pearson.

Thank you, but I'm leaving

because it's the best thing
for our relationship.

♪

For what it's worth,
you guys make an awesome couple.

♪ ♪

[ALL GROAN]

- No, that's sick.
- Narst.

- Ulch.
- No.

Mm. Mm.

Hello.

[ROCK MUSIC]

♪ Tear it down ♪

[GRUNTS]

- Congratulations, dude.
- Oh, thanks.

Oh, and Feldman?

- Yeah.
- Just an FYI,

the Golden Pencil Award
isn't given out until June.

April Fools, bitch!

Wait, what?

My mom would never be proud of me.