03x02 - Flu Season

[bunniefuu]

There is a crazy
flu going around.

Lots of miserable, dehydrated people
with high fevers and diarrhea.

And one of those dehydrated,
high-fevered, miserable people is April.

Who hates me.

(BUZZING)

I want another nurse.

Well, there are none.
We're stretched pretty thin right now.

Then, I want a janitor.
They can do what you do, right?

Yep. Nurses and janitors
are totally interchangeable.

Except no one dresses up like a
janitor when they want to be slutty.

I get the sense that maybe you're
angry at me for kissing Andy.

No, I'm not. What are you talking about?
That's crazy.

And that you think it might
be fun to take it out on me.

Please don't do that.

Do? I can't do anything.
I'm sick.

(BUZZING)

My blankets are on the floor.

(BUZZING CONTINUES)

So, JJ, we wanted to talk to
you about the Harvest Festival.

Yeah, I heard you
were bringing that back.

(COUGHING)

Sorry, I haven't
been feeling myself.

Well, I'm organizing
this huge Harvest Festival

and I need at least 80 local
businesses to participate.

And normally this is the kind
of thing I would love to do.

But, I'm just
feeling really tired.

I think maybe my
allergies are acting up.

I've already vomited,
like, five times today.

We're having a meeting tonight
at the Chamber of Commerce

and we're going to go
over all the details.

And we'd just love if you
could come and join us.

Sure.

Anything for my
favorite customer.

I bet you say that
to all the girls.

Oh, no. No, actually,
you're my favorite.

You spent over $1,000 last
year on waffles alone.

(COUGHING)

Here.

I didn't know
what to bring you,

so I just got some
magazines and lipstick.

Woman stuff.

Thanks. All my parents
got me was that.

Okay. Well, I'm not very good
at visiting people in hospitals,

so I'm going to go.

Hey. If you see Andy,
will you not tell him I'm here?

Okay.
Because of what happened,

I don't want him to think... Stop!

Don't want to know.

The less I know about other
people's affairs, the happier I am.

I'm not interested in
caring about people.

I once worked with a guy for three
years and never learned his name.

Best friend I ever had.

We still
never talk sometimes.

So, we've developed
a revenue sharing formula

that will hopefully appeal to
most business owners, but...

ON INTERCOM: Leslie.
Go home. You're sick.

I'm not sick.
It's just allergies.

Come on, guys.
Just let me in there.

ALL: No.
You can't come in here.

You're not coming in.

Leslie, you look tired
and you're all sweaty.

You look tired and
you're all sweaty

all the time.
What's your excuse?

You want to go there, Jerry?

No. LESLIE: Fine,
I'm coming in.

TOM: Donna, barricade
the door now.

Donna, come on.
Just let me in.

Mmm-mmm.

Either go home or go
back into quarantine.

I'm not going home.

JERRY: Get out of here, Leslie.
Go home. DONNA: Hit the bricks.

Come on. No, no, no, no, no, no.
She's germing up all my stuff.

Aw, yuck!

Leslie!

Ann Perkins.

Hey. How was your run?

Ended with a five-and-a-half
minute mile. My personal low.

I think the pavement
in this town is soft.

What's with the mask?

Flu prevention.

My body is finely-tuned,
like a microchip,

and the flu is
like a grain of sand.

It could literally shut
down the entire system.

My body's like a chip, too.
A potato chip.

No.

Speaking of potato chips, you and
I are on for dinner tomorrow, yes?

Yes. Definitely. I'm super,
super excited. Looking forward to it.

Excellent.

Way to go, buddy.
Way to go.

ANN: We've been on a couple of dates.
I really like him.

The problem is
he's like a perfect human man.

I can't find one flaw.

There was one time
I thought he farted.

But it was me.

(PHONE RINGING)

RON: I need to find someone
to fill in for April.

Now, I know I'm not
going to find someone

who's both aggressively
mean and apathetic.

April really is
the whole package.

But I think
I might know someone

who will be just
as ineffective.

Hello, Andrew.
What's new?

A whole lot!

Check this out.
I just invented it. Super-straw.

So, just sit here
and do your thing.

Do I have to tuck
my shirt in?

Because, honestly,
that's kind of a deal breaker.

Let it fly.

Hey, wait. Where is April?

Is she all right?
Yeah.

I just gave her the day off.

Would it be weird
if I asked for the day off?

Yeah, no, it's okay.
I didn't think so.

I'm sorry. Are you leaving?
I thought we had a meeting.

No, we do. It's just I think
it's a little chilly in here.

Are you okay?
Your eyes are glassy.

Oh, my God. Oh, my... Is she...
Is she sick? Are you sick?

No.

TOM: Yeah! She's sick.

That's why I'm wearing this,
and misting myself with hand sanitizer.

I am not sick.
I just have allergies, okay?

I took a Claritin
and I threw that up,

so I took another one.
I threw that up.

And then, I took a third and it
stayed down. I'm getting better.

All right.
You're burning up.

You're burning up. What?

CHRIS: I have to get
out of here.

I have 2.8% body fat.

My body is like a microchip.
A grain of sand could destroy it.

My body's a microchip.

Leslie, go home.
No, I can't.

I can't go home. I have to get
ready for the Chamber of Secrets.

Commerce.

If this meeting
does not go perfectly,

then the Harvest Festival is
going to be over before it begins.

I cannot go home.

Okay, then,
who's your doctor?

Ann's my doctor.

And she's the most beautiful
nurse in the world.

Come on.

Oh, God. Now, I'm hot.
Now, it's really hot in here.

Okay, well,
that's your fever.

Leslie, I typed your symptoms
into the thing up here,

and it says you could have "
network connectivity problems".

104.1.

Leslie, you're dehydrated.
I'm admitting you.

If I was sick,
could I do this?

What are you doing?
Cartwheels.

Am I not doing them?
No.

Look, don't worry. I've done
presentations like this before,

and Tom will be with me.
So, you're in good hands.

It's not that
I don't trust Ben.

It's that I don't
have faith in Ben.

And, also, I'm starting
to forget who Ben is.

I'll handle the general outline.
If you want to...

Look.
...just jump right in.

The worst thing you can do with an
important presentation like this

is over-prepare.

Well...
So,

I think it's best
if I go to the spa.

No, we promised Leslie
we'd prep for the meeting.

No, Ben. You promised Leslie.

See, I never
promise Leslie anything.

That way,
I never disappoint her.

I try to be considerate.

Well, I am off for a soak
and a schvitz. Arrivederch.

Ron Swanson's office.

Yes, I will transfer you.

(DIAL TONE)

I just dropped another call.

(REPEATED BUZZING)

I thought you might like
a fresh set of pillows.

Are you trying
to smother me?

Help! This slutty nurse
is trying to

smother me to death
with a pillow!

Okay, never mind.

Stay back, slut!

I know what
she's trying to do.

She's trying to
get me to break.

And you know what?
I'm not going to do it.

I'm going to be professional and
I'm going to put on a happy face.

And then, I'm going to
go into a supply closet

and snap a bunch of
tongue depressors.

LESLIE: Okay. So, let's talk
about your opening remarks.

Do you want me to write you a rap?
I'll write you a rap.

No, you know what?

You're never going to be able to
pull it off. You're too white.

How about a show tune
or something?

I was just planning to
introduce myself, non-musically,

and then, get everyone
to refer to their packets.

And blah, blah, blah.
No.

No "blah, blah, blah", okay?

You need to go over
every single detail with me.

Leslie, I promise you I won't half-ass
this. Okay? Now, get some rest.

I have some great news.
I think my fever just broke.

Goodbye.

It just came out.

I am starving.
I haven't had lunch since yesterday.

So, I'm going to
head over to Callahan's.

Oh, no, no, no. Don't go there.
They totally skimp on pickles.

Let me go to Big
Head Joe's for you.

They have
the most insane burritos.

I don't much go
for ethnic food.

No, trust me. They have one
that's called the "Meat Tornado".

It literally
k*lled a guy last year.

You had me
at "Meat Tornado".

What are you doing?

Hey. That flu
medicine really helped.

I feel a thousand percent better.
Good as new.

Does this scarf look okay?

I don't want to look stuffy. But I
also don't want to look too "schlubby".

Get back in that bed.
So no to the scarf?

Get back in the bed.

No, I'm going
to that meeting.

Either you get back in the bed,
or I will strap you down.

I've done it before.
Don't test me.

(MEN LAUGHING)

Okay, okay, okay.

Now, what superpower
would you rather have?

Would you rather be able
to fly or be invisible?

Ed, go first.

Fly, I guess.

I forgot to tell you. You can only
fly five feet above the ground.

(ALL LAUGHING)

I bring a certain
panache and spice

to the spa experience
for these guys.

Before I joined,
they were just three old white dudes

quietly boiling in hot water.

Would you rather live in the
pocket of a giant kangaroo

or have a pocket
on your own stomach

that has a tiny kangaroo
in it all the time?

Preston.

Tiny kangaroo in
my stomach pocket.

Forgot to mention,
the tiny kangaroo is a r*cist.

(ALL LAUGHING)

Hey, Ann.
What happened?

I just saw you a few hours ago,
and you were fine.

Not like, "Damn, you're fine,"
but fine health-wise.

My body has no fat to
protect itself from disease.

Things happen very quickly.
Listen to me.

It's very important that you
replenish my body with electrolytes

after every involuntary
loss of bodily fluids.

Oh, boy.
My body tends to lose

a lot of fluids
when it's sick.

My brain is on fire.
I'm dying.

Well, you definitely
have the flu.

Oh, my God.

The microchip has
been compromised.

Pierre Garcon was
a sixth-round pick.

Collie was the fourth round.

Indianapolis Colts
know how to draft so well.

They really do.

Andy, this was delicious.

It's awesome, huh?

It's a whole new
meat delivery system.

Thank you, son.

What do you say we go
out to the parking lot,

run a few pass plays
to burn off the calories?

You are an unstoppable
good idea machine!

(EXCLAIMING)

RON: I like Andy.

I'm surrounded by a lot of
women in this department.

And that includes the men.

Hup, hup, hup!

Peyton Manning reading the defense!
Reggie Wayne, Colts corner!

(CAR ALARM BLARING)

(ANDY LAUGHING MANIACALLY)

Andy, wait up!

(BUZZING)

Hey, April.

I saw that you called for me.
What can I do for you?

I need more flu medicine.

An actual request.

Well, you can't have any.
That stuff is powerful, no extra doses.

I didn't take any.

Leslie came in here
and stole it and left.

Leslie? Leslie!

Hey, have you seen Leslie?

I had a dream

that she came
into this room,

stole my flu medicine,
told me not to tell you,

and then disappeared through
that hole in the wall.

The door?

Maybe we should get, like,
a suite here for them, okay?

Ben Wyatt! Hello!

Hi, Leslie.

Good to see you.
You, too.

Wow, you're really burning up.

Can I get some money for the cab
that I took over here, please?

Sure. How much?

I'm not sure.

I looked at the meter,
and it had Egyptian hieroglyphics on it.

Wow.
Do you know the exchange rate?

So should we do this?

Oh, boy. Hold on.

Be careful.
What?

The floor and
the wall just switched.

Okay.

Walk very carefully.

You know, I find it
a little insulting

that you don't
trust me to handle this.

It's not that
I don't trust you, okay?

It's just this Harvest Festival is my
project. It's my career on the line.

And I just need
to make sure that

I've done everything
I can to make it work.

Okay. It's show time.

Okay.

Good evening, everyone. I'm Leslie
Monster. And this is Nightline.

Okay, I wouldn't open with that.
No?

Why don't we sit down. Okay?
Yep.

Libertarianism is all
about individual liberty.

And it should never be defined by the
terms "liberal" or "conservative."

And communism is no good, right?
That's right.

Big swing and a miss.

And what's the word for when
a few clerics are in charge?

Religious oligarchy.

Holy... (BLEEP)

I can remember things.

I guess.

Hey, keep mine rare.

A man after my own heart.

I vomited
somewhere in this room.

I don't remember
where, though.

Wait. You might want
to check that drawer.

Stop pooping.

You have to get up
off the floor now.

This floor is my friend.

Nothing like a complete
physical breakdown

to make a guy seem
less intimidating.

I love the flu.

And then I said,
"You know what?

"I think we need to get
these bananas out of here."

(ALL LAUGHING)

Have a seat, boys.

Oh, hey, Tom,
glad you could make it.

You have a nice day
with your spa buddies?

Actually, yes, Ben,
I did.

And my spa buddies own a couple
of car dealerships in town,

and they've agreed to donate a fleet
of vehicles for Harvest Festival,

twenty-five vans
for the entire event.

Okay, Tom, I'm ready.
Get up there and introduce me.

You got it.

I can't let you
do this, Leslie.

Hey, this ain't
your call, McCluskey.

Hey, Ron,
can I ask you a question?

Sure.

It's about April.

I don't like to get involved
in people's personal...

I hurt her feelings,
and now she's pissed at me.

I feel like if I could just
explain myself, she'd understand,

but she's avoiding me.

It's making me miserable.

April's in the hospital,
sick with the flu.

What? I knew it!

I didn't know that.

Is she okay?

Yeah, she's fine.

You can go visit her tomorrow morning.
But don't tell her I told you.

I won't.

No, no, no. Nope.

Okay.

(GRUNTING)

Before we get started,
a quick announcement.

Every Thursday night
is ladies' night

down at the Snakehole Lounge
over on Burnham Avenue.

Ladies get two drinks
for the price of one.

Oh, no,
that can't be right.

That's way too
good of a deal.

Nope.
That is what it says. Wow.

That sounds like
a fun time.

Anyway, it is now my great
honor to welcome to the stage

the woman responsible for
the entire Harvest Festival.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Leslie Knope!

Every one of you,
just by showing up here tonight,

has already made history.

In days past,
the Harvest Festival was the cornerstone

of Pawnee's
small-business community,

a weeklong showcase

for everything from
textiles to small farms.

By our estimates, as many as 30,000
people might attend the festival,

and the monetary value

of that kind of direct
customer-to-business exposure

is, frankly, incalculable.

What?

Three, two, one.

And my shift's over.

What the (BLEEP)
is your problem?

Whoa, I thought you
weren't gonna lose it.

While I was on duty,
I didn't. Now it's just me.

I get that you're mad that
I kissed Andy, okay?

But it was a moment of confusion,
and it was a mistake.

And I'm very sorry.

You want to hate me forever?

Okay.
Fine!

You know what?
I don't care.

But you shouldn't
take it out on Andy,

because he really likes you,
and he did nothing wrong.

And just for the record,
I'm starting to hate you, too.

That's the most
I've ever liked Ann.

The time is now.

The place is Pawnee.

Let's make history.

(APPLAUSE)

LESLIE: Thank you.
BEN: That was amazing.

That was a flu-ridden Michael
Jordan at the '97 NBA finals.

That was Kirk Gibson
hobbling up to the plate

and hitting a homer
off of Dennis Eckersley.

That was...

That was Leslie Knope.

Thank you so much.
Any questions?

Yes, sir?

Are we going to get the same
sales-tax incentives we used to?

That's a very
good question, sir,

and I would counter with
my own question, which is,

why is half of
your face all swirly?

Okay, unfortunately,

Leslie has another very
important meeting right now.

So if you have
any other questions,

you can just
direct them towards me.

Give it up, everybody,
for Scott Bakula from Quantum Leap.

All right. Okay, let's...

Excuse me.

And to answer
your question, sir,

there will be sales-tax
incentives this year.

I think I should
drive you to the hospital.

Was I wearing a tiara
when I came in here?

Because if you
happen upon it,

will you have Lady Pennyface
retrieve it and send it post-hence?

Oh, hey.
Hey, there.

I got you some waffles here,
courtesy of JJ's diner,

and chicken soup,
courtesy of me.

I'll take the waffles.
Thank you. Okay.

So how did the rest
of the meeting go?

Well, you said you needed eighty
total businesses to participate.

Yeah.

We have 110,

and counting.

So, nice work, Leslie.

Nice work to you too.

Left the chicken soup there,
just in case.

It's an old family recipe.
It's not a big deal, but...

Thank you for that.
Okay.

(WHISPERING) Hi, April.
It's me, Andy.

Just stay sleeping.

I am going to be here
when you wake up.

I will not leave your side.

You could be asleep for hours.
Maybe I'll come back later.

Hope you feel better. Okay.

And I know you think that I'm a jerk,
but I hope you can forgive me.

Gross. Your forehead
is all sweaty. That's gross.

But I still like you. Okay.

That's disgusting.

Got your message.
What's up?

I got a call from
the boys upstairs.

And they have a new
assignment for us.

Okay.
Yeah.

And I feel like we should ask
for an extension to stay here.

Yes, definitely.

You know, the festival
thing's getting pretty huge,

and a couple loose ends
that need tying up.

Good, so I'll make the call then,
to get the extension?

Yeah, they need our help.
For the loose ends.

Great.
Good.

Okay, you need
a ride back to the office?

No, no, I'm gonna go for a light 15k.
I missed yesterday.

Way to go, buddy.
Way to go.