03x13 - The Fight

[bunniefuu]

I need you guys to come
to the Snakehole Lounge tonight

to help me with something.

Yeah, no, tonight's not good.

No can do.

I'm on a cleanse.

Please.
This is important.

I'm launching my new high-end,
Kahlua-style liqueur,

"Snakejuice".

Sounds like you took a snake
and twisted it like a rag

until its blood
and guts came out.

Ha ha ha.
Eww.

What does Kahlua-style mean?

I mix a bunch
of alcohol together,

I add some sugar and coffee
and some other junk,

and it kind of tastes
like Kahlua.

I can only drink warm
tap water with cayenne pepper.

Fine.
Then don't drink it.

Just get other people
to drink it, okay?

Meeting in one hour.

If you don't make it,
you're on my done-zo list.

Uh, what's a done-zo list?

It means you and I
are done-zo...

Hanging out, getting food
together, done-zo.

You want to come over to
my house and play video games?

Done-zo.

Hey, tom, you want to come play
putt-putt with me?

No, we're done-zo.

Babe, we got to make
that meeting.

All right, let's start
with the personal stuff.

- How's jessie?
- Who?

- The photographer guy.
- Oh, yeah.

We broke up.
I didn't tell you that?

- Mm-mm! Why? I liked him.
- Yeah, I did too.

I just... I couldn't deal
with his face.

Huh.

Do you think I could get that
book back that I loaned him?

Oh, well, I'm technically
"out of the country."

So I would have to call him
from a weird number.

- Oh.
- Sorry.

Never mind.

But I'm seeing
this new guy, Mattias.

You would love him.
He's a triple pisces.

Uh-oh, looks like someone's
gonna be late for her meeting.

I'll race you.

Really?
Isn't that a little childish?

Oh, ha ha ha.
Bye, Ann.

Sorry, got to go.
Hey, move!

Oh!
Councilman Howser, sorry.

Nice to see you as always.

Bye.

Welcome to
Guerilla Marketing 101.

What is Guerilla Marketing?

A few ordinary schmoes...
no offense...

have a casual conversation
next to some guy

about how great Snakejuice is.

Next thing you know that guy

orders an whole bottle
of Snakejuice,

and he has no idea why.

Ron is going to play our
exciting Snakejuice drinker,

AKA Brian Thunder.

Jerry, you'll be playing
a boring beer drinker.

Your name will be Jerry.

Your talking points are
high-end, VIP, lifestyle.

All right, let's run
through it once.

And action!

"The weather has been
so weird lately.

Hey, let me buy
you all a drink."

"I'll take something basic
like a beer."

"Yeah, I'm pretty...

...boring."

So I'll take a beer, too."

"Not me. I want this night
to get ca-razzy."

Ca-raaazy.

Like crazy.

"I want this night
to get ca-razy.

"Get me a sh*t of Snakejuice.

I hear it has
a dope aftertaste."

All right,
that's gonna be a cut.

Um, Ron, you got to say it
like you mean it.

I won't publicly endorse
a product

unless I use it exclusively
and I really believe in it.

My only official
recommendations are.

U.S. Army-issued
mustache trimmers,

Morton's Salt,
and the C.R. Laurence Fein

two-inch, axe-style scraper
oscillating Kn*fe blade.

We need to find
a new PR Director

for the Health Department.

Dennis Cooper was fired today.

Why?

Short answer...
he went bananas.

Long answer...
his wife, Jan, had an affair,

gave him a venereal disease,

and so he put signs about her
all through City Hall.

I'm sure you've seen them.

Oh, yeah.

"Jan Cooper will give you
chlamydia,

brought to you by
the Pawnee Health Department."

"Chlamydia affects
nearly 100% of Jan Coopers."

"The department of health
congratulates Jan Cooper,

Miss Chlamydia."

"Jan, I love you.
Please come back.

"I realize
that I'm not blameless here.

"Please.

Brought to you
by the Health Department."

"Re-elect Jan Cooper,
Mayor of Whoreville."

Leslie, I want you to help us
choose a replament.

Parks and Health work closely
on outdoor programs

and exercise initiatives.

- Ann should do it.
- Ann Perkins?

Pawnee is looking
for a new PR Director

for the Health Department,
and I submitted your name.

You have an interview tomorrow
at 9:00 A.M.

9:00 A.M. wow.

Yes, I know.
I couldn't get it earlier.

- I'm... I am...
- Grateful.

I know.
You can thank me later.

But first you need
to go over your homework.

These are all
the health initiatives

the city has ever undertaken
since the 1960s.

So you need
to partially memorize that.

And it's gonna be a long night,

so I got you some energy drinks

and some chocolate-covered
espresso beans

and the book Freedom
by Jonathan Franzen.

Why am I reading this?

Because I'm almost
done with it, Ann.

And I want to talk to you
about Patty.

Okay, deep breath.

Okay, I've been a nurse
for over 10 years.

It's not something
you just quit.

I understand.

I just think with this new job,
you could make a difference.

Make real change happen.

Plus, we'd be working
in the same building...

no more lightning-round
catch-up sessions.

It would be nice
to have an office.

And let's be honest,
it would be nice to not have

to pull strange things out
of people's butts every night.

You've mentioned that before.
That doesn't happen that often.

- It happened once.
- Just once.

That already is too many times.

Ugh. I hate talking

to people about things.
This is a nightmare.

Ugh.
I'm grouchy.

Well, we have to support Tom.

Think about it
as role-playing.

That makes it sexy.

- That could be fun.
- Ha! Really?

Can I use a weird voice
and try to freak people out?

- Yes.
- Okay.

Then, uh, next time you see me,

I'll be a stranger.

Oh...

Snakejuice!
What? Here?

High-end, VIP, exclusive.

- Hey, how's it going?
- I think it's going okay.

People better buy this stuff,
or else I'm gonna be screwed.

It's gonna be fine.
People will definitely buy it.

Uh-oh! Uh-oh!

♪ "K" to the "N"
to the O-P-E ♪

♪ she's the dopest little shorty
in all Pawnee, Indiana ♪

Why didn't you just stop
at "Pawnee"?

Leslie Knope, seriously,
you get sexier every day.

And that is not a line.
That is for real.

Aw, Jean-Ralphio.

Well, I-I know tonight's
gonna be a big success,

and I wish I could stay.

I really do,
but I have to go help Ann.

She's gonna be up all night

cramming
for a big job interview.

She might be up all night,

but I think someone else
is gonna be doing the cramming.

Uh-oh. Whoop.

♪ ♪

- Hey
- Hey

- I'm so happy to see you.
- I'm seeing you here.

- Yes.
- Yes, I'm surprised.

I thought maybe you'd be home
preparing for tomorrow.

Oh, well, there was way
too much stuff

for me to read tonight, anyway.

I mean, it was
a ridiculous amount of stuff

that you gave me.

Oh. But you are going in
for the interview tomorrow?

I think so.

Uh-oh. Is there enough room
for some mayonnaise

in this lady sandwich?

Oh.

Leslie, this is my friend
Howard tuttleman.

Oh, please.
Call me "The Douche".

You probably know me
from my morning radio show

on 93.7...
Crazy Ira and "The Douche".

Yeah,
I-I have met you before.

I actually was
on your show once...

wait!
Were you on the show

where we had
that stripper do math?

Classic, right?

♪ ♪

Hello, strange person
who I have never met before.

Who are you?

I'm Janet Snakehole.

I'm a very rich widow
with a terrible secret.

Who are you?

Bert Macklin, FBI.

I was the best
damn agent they had

until I was framed for a crime
I didn't commit...

Stealing
the president's rubies.

Now I work alone.

Lovely to meet you.

I got to admit, uh,
I thought your costume

would maybe be
a little bit sluttier.

How dare you?

Nice.

Gentlemen.

- Swan song, how you living?
- Yes.

Why aren't you holding
a Snakejuice?

I'm more of a whiskey man.

Ron-Ron, come here.

Come here for a bit.
You're good right there.

Listen, you got to jump
on the Tommytown Express.

This guy has some
of the best investment ideas

I've ever heard in my life.

Make a baby
tuxedo clothing line.

A department store
with a guest list.

White fur ear muffs for men.

Contact lenses that display
text messages.

Invent a phone
that smells good.

Own a night club called eclipse

that's only open for one hour
two times a year.

Cover charge... $5,000.

I can keep going.

How about this, Ron?

Try Snakejuice.

If you like it,
you got to talk it up all night.

If you don't,
I'll shave Jean-Ralphio's head.

Yeah, I'd like to see that.

Hit me.

A lot riding on this.

Damn, if that isn't delicious.

Oh!

♪ "R" to the "o"
to the n-n-n ♪

♪ I say Swanson's got swagger
the size of a Big Ben clock ♪

Dude, you got to end it
on the rhyme.

- I know what I have to do.
- You had it at "Ben."

I know.
I got it.

You think I haven't been
around the world.

I've been everywhere, darling.
I'm a very wealthy woman.

My husband's kept me
in the finest clothes

from Bergdorf Goodman, you see.

- Freeze! FBI!
- No! Leave me alone!

- Hands in the air!
- I didn't k*ll anybody!

And I didn't burn down
the mill either.

My sister did.

But now she's been eaten
by wolves!

Nothing to see here.

- So how did you two meet?
- We met at the supermarket.

I used my classic pickup line.

If you're looking for douches,
they're in aisle me.

- Awesome.
- Yeah.

Oh, hey, by the way, I don't
think I can get that book back

from, um, what's-his-name.

Oh, that's okay.

I mean, I should've
known better

than to loan something
to one of your boyfriends.

They come and go so fast.

Uh, what
are you saying exactly?

Well, I mean, let's be honest.

How long is it gonna last
with this guy?

Sitting right here.

I don't know.
He's dumb, but he's fun.

Thank you.

I mean, that's the whole point
of dating around

is you get to try on
a bunch of different hats.

Well, this hat is an idiot.

Ha ha.
Classic.

Leslie, are you mad
that I came here?

What? No.

I'm not... are you...
you seem mad at me.

No, I'm not...
I'm not mad at you.

- I'm not mad at you.
- I'm not mad at all.

- Neither am I.
- No.

Looks like you two
need to kiss and make up.

- All right.
- Reow.

Hello.
My name is Ron Swanson.

In general, I try never
to speak with people,

but I have been drinking
this Snakejuice thing,

and it's damn good.

You should buy it.

Yeah, okay.
Thanks, man.

Son, you should know
that my recommendation

is essentially a guarantee.

Drink this, now.

Traegermeister!
You made it.

Yeah, I got your email.
We need to talk.

First off, though,
try a little Snakejuice.

It's 140 proof,

which means it's 70% alcohol.

But don't worry.

There's plenty caffeine in it
to keep you awake.

I believe an ounce of that
would literally k*ll me.

You emailed everyone
at City Hall

and told them to come to a club

that you own to buy alcohol
that you invented.

Government employees
can't use their power

to enhance
their personal wealth.

I totally get
your point, Chris.

It won't happen again.

I just don't see any way
around it.

You're gonna have to sell
your shares in the Snakehole.

No!

T-pain, this guy
bothering you?

- This is my boss.
- Okay, yeah.

You want me to write a rap
about your name?

Yes.

♪ "B" to the "o"
to the double "s" ♪

♪ do what he say,
and you'll be successful ♪

No offense, but maybe
you think I'm going too fast

'cause you're going too slow
with Ben.

No offense, but I'm going slow
because I might lose my job.

Okay, no offense,
but maybe that's

a little bit of an excuse
for not acting on your feelings.

No offense,
but I don't remember you

having a nursing degree
in feelings.

Offense!
That's rude.

I'm gonna go dance.

Douche, you're up.

Uh, uh.
Mmm.

Hey, are you okay?
I heard yelling.

Yeah, I'm very angry,
and I'm really drunk.

Do you want to dance with me?
Go get me another "snorkjuice."

Oh, that's maybe not
the best idea for you.

Forget it. Jean-Ralphio!

- Yes, I'm here.
- Dance up on me.

Yes, yes, yes.

This is my
first fight with Ann,

and it's a doozy.

But I believe that honest
discussions between friends

can lead to deeper intimacy.

This is a watershed moment
in our relationship,

and it's important
that we fight clean.

All I need to do
is focus and stay calm.

You're stupid, and you're drunk
and you're stupid.

Oh! I don't understand
how this is my fault.

It's not... everything
isn't your fault all the time.

Don't always make everything
your fault.

Good! It's not all my fault.
I'm not the stupid jerk.

I'm not the one who's being
a stupid jerk right now.

I didn't mean it like that.

You know
I didn't mean it like that.

I just meant you were
being stupid,

and you were acting
like a jerk.

Look, I'm sorry that I thought
about you for the job, okay?

But sometimes if I don't push
you in the right direction,

you end up standing still.

I was just trying
to do you a favor.

Enough with your favors, okay?

Stop.

Maybe we shouldn't work
together, then.

Maybe we shouldn't.

Every time I cleanse,
I can literally

feel the toxins leaving my body.

I know!
I feel so much healthier.

I've still got a full week
to go before the broth stage.

Mmm! Pre-broth
is an amazing stage.

It's when you're most alert.

Good. Someone
needs to be alert tonight.

This Snakejuice
is basically rat poison.

Everybody's wasted.

You don't even know one thing.
I didn't even say one thing.

And then she asked me
the whole thing,

and I didn't even do it once.

I'm like an elephant, okay?

If I walk into a room,
it's like, okay, he's in there.

Baba booey.

Turn this music down.

♪ Farts and poop and love
and stuff ♪

♪ macaroni salad ♪

♪ ♪

- Is this everybody?
- Ann took a cab.

Tom's in the trunk.
Jerry's on the roof.

All right, where to first?

Your mother's butt.

I'm so alone.

If even one of you thinks
about dry heaving in my car,

you're all walking home.

Leslie.

I'm here.

We have to go hire
a new PR Director

for the Health Department.

Oh, my God.
I'm so hungover.

I've never been this hungover.

I feel great.
I ran 5k this morning.

Really?

No, I threw up in the shower.

Top of the morning, everyone.

I brought
some burgers and fries.

Eat up.

The protein soaks up the sugar.

First, you take the cow
to the k*lling floor.

Well, I am out of questions.

Thank you.
We will let you know.

Then our heads will explode,
and we will die.

- Oh, God.
- Oh.

I cannot believe that fight
I had with Ann.

Look, I'm sure you guys
can work it out.

I owe her, like,
a million apologies.

I think I owe you one, too.

- I'm sorry.
- For what?

I don't know.

Are you okay?

No, I'm sad.

- Say, thanks, chum.
- Ugh.

I'll get those papers
delivered for you...

Whatever.

Posthaste.

The doctor says it's probably
not serious, but it might be.

Oh, Kyle, please stop talking.

Why, isn't it Bert Macklin?

What are you doing here,
and who is this sorry Charlie?

I'm Janet Snakehole.

I demand answers,
and I want them now.

Honey, please.
I love you.

No offense, but Bert Macklin
d*ed last night

after the tenth sh*t
of Snakejuice.

Okay, sorry.

Miss Snakehole.

You think I'd let you
get away that easily?

Bert Macklin may be dead,

but I'm his brother
Kip Hackman.

Why wouldn't you have
his same last name?

Shut up, Kyle.

I know you boosted
those paintings.

Maybe it was me, but I'll
never tell you where they are.

And you'll never have
my body either.

Sorry to hear the news, Tom.

We're gonna miss you
around the club.

Hey, you own shares, too.
Why didn't Chris make you sell?

'Cause Chris doesn't know.

You know what?

Snitches get stitches.

- Donna, come on.
- Don't.

I'm a natural moneymaker.

I got into government
for the connections.

This was supposed to be a thing
that led to the other thing.

It's like when Vin
Dboiler room.

That's what lead to him
being XXX and doing Furious.

And Furious.
Yeah, I know.

Listen, I don't like
all this negativity, man.

Why don't you turn that
frizz-own upside-dizz-ity?

Huh?
This sucks, man.

Oh.

You're wearing snow pants.

I got home last night,

and I thought
I might go sledding.

Can I come in?

- Yeah, if you're quiet.
- Okay.

Uh, Leslie doesn't know
I'm here.

Oh, God.
So high school...

I can't believe that Leslie
and I got drunk in a bar

and fought about boys.

We're so much better than that.

I just keep having flashes
of things

that we said to each other.

And she's so important to me.

I feel like such a d*ck.

I know she feels awful.

I mean, technically, we all do.

Yeah. What the hell
is in Snakejuice...

Demerol?

All I know is
Leslie's always talking

about how lucky she is
to have you as a friend.

And I just wanted you
to know that.

You're nice.

I can see why she likes you.

When did she say...
likes me?

Oh, God.
This is so high school.

Just rent a limo,
ask her to the prom.

I'm sure she'll say yes.

All right.
Thanks.

So let me get this straight.

Tom tries to get off
the Government teat,

and we punish him.

That doesn't make
any sense to me.

I'm sorry.
Rules are rules.

I wish there was something
we could do.

Ben, is there something
we can do?

Damn it.
Ben's not here.

Tom's not scamming anyone.

He's not savvy enough to
manipulate the system like that.

He's just a kid
chasing a goofy dream.

I'm sorry.
My hands are tied.

Jan Cooper was a terrible wife.

I just want everybody
to know that.

Thank you, Dennis.

But we can't give you
your job back.

You sound just like her.

- That was unpleasant.
- Yeah.

All right, who's next?

You came.

Yeah, I had some encouragement.

Your sweater's on inside out.

And backwards.

It's been a tough morning...

lots of regret and shame.

That should be the official
slogan for Snakejuice.

Well, uh,
this committee would like to ask

if you are
the kind of candidate

who could forgive someone

after they've behaved
like a complete jackass?

This candidate could,

especially because
this candidate also behaved

like a total jackass.

Please, don't worry about it.

The committee
totally understands.

Also, I can talk
about my qualifications

for this position.

But first, I am gonna go
throw up in a wastebasket.

Would you mind if I joined you?

Not at all.

Shall we?

Ann came in the next day

and had a second interview
with Chris.

She nailed it, of course.

But she doesn't want
to totally leave her job.

So they struck up a deal.

She works at City Hall
part-time,

and two days a week,
she still gets to be

the greatest nurse
in the world.

Win-win.

We need to remember
what's important in life...

friends, waffles, and work.

Or waffles, friends, work...
it doesn't matter.

But work is third.

So listen, Crazy Ira,
check this out, okay?

I'm at this club last night
just k*lling it...

the Snakehole Lounge.

Oh, yeah, is that a gay club?

Hello?

Shut up, ass.
Come on, man.

So I'm dancing on the floor
with this super-hot chick.

♪ Me so horny ♪

More like a dude, I bet.

Hello?

Did you wet your whistle?

I wish.

Me likey.

No, no, no, no.

She spent the whole night
talking to her friend,

- arguing about their feelings.
- That's me!

Who knows?
She's probably a lesbian.

They were in the bathrom
a long time.