05x02 - Soda Tax"

[bunniefuu]

Andy and Leslie
sent us care packages.

"Hey Ben, just a few things
to remind you of home."

"Love, Leslie."

Ah, Waffle Mix.

JJ's diner mug.

New pajamas.

Wow, there's a lot
of stuff in here.

"Box 1 of 12"?

"April, here's something
to help you remember

our three-legged dog
Champion."

Ah, that's cute.

"Also, you are way better
at laundry.

"Can you please do mine
and send it back to me?

Thanks. Love you.
Mouse Rat rules. Love, Andy."

Less cute.

"P.S. Please hurry.

"I've been wearing
a bandana as underwear

for three days now."

Look, there's a picture.

Ah!
That's horrifying.

I love him so much.

Okay, so do you have
the results of the study?

Yes, and they're great.

Your tax on soda

would definitely
lower diabetes in this town.

Oh, and I have a great prop
for the meeting.

This is the amount of sugar

that the average Pawnee
10-year-old consumes,

from soda, every month.

- That is gross.
- It's gross.

- All that sugar?
- It's really gross.

- What a powerful image.
- What are you doing?

What did you put in the sugar?
It's so good.

My first act
as a city councilwoman--

I've proposed a tax on
all those giant sugary sodas

so we can discourage people
from drinking them.

I believe, with my help,

all local restaurants
can get healthier--

Paunch Burger, Big and Wide,
The Fat Sack,

Coronel Plum's Slop Trough--

which was formerly Sue's Salads

until we ran that out of town.

Ah, councilwoman.

In honor of
your never-ending quest

to personally babysit

each and every
American citizen,

I went to Paunch Burger
and got myself a Number two--

Double Bacon Grenade Deluxe,
hash browns,

chili cheese fries,
and one poached egg.

Ugh!
Number two is right.

I also picked up a 64-ounce
Sweetums Sugar Splash.

Damn it, I love this country
so much.

Ron, I'm really glad
that you're here.

Our political differences
aside,

I am about to go to
my first committee meeting

as a city councilwoman.

There's something
I need to say to you.

Please don't.

I know you hate
feelings and emotions,

but I would not be where I am
if it wasn't for you.

You hired me.
You've always supported me.

How can I ever repay you?

Get me a refill.

Hey, everybody.

So, I've been going
over your reports.

Let's try to be consistent
with our fonts, guys, okay?

There's a crazy amount

of random font differences
in these memos.

Yeah, people.
Consistent font usage. Come on.

Times New Roman,
across the board.

No Geneva, no Garamond,
definitely no Papyrus.

Papyrus?
Are you kidding me?

There's no place for that in
a professional office setting.

Yes!
Thank you, April.

These college interns really
need to be whipped into shape,

but don't worry, because
they call me Devo,

'cause I can
"whip 'em good."

And obviously make sure
the content's perfect too.

Oh, and, uh, 12 point.

13's just obnoxious.
Great meeting.

Out of the way, people.

Motivational brigade
coming through.

Ho ho!

So, you boys are gonna go
work out together, huh?

Nice. Whereabouts?
Community college.

Eh, that's too far.

Chris and Tom offered
to help me train

to become a police officer.

The physical exam is
about three months away

and I am in terrible shape,
but I can already do this...

So, I'm getting there.

So, I've got
a list of everything

that I'm supposed to
be able to do

to get into the police academy,
and number one is,

"be able to run 2 miles
in under 25 minutes."

That's a typo, right?

I mean,
that's humanly impossible.

When you are able to focus
your mind and your body,

anything is possible.

Anything is possible!

Ms. Pinewood,

recently, many of
the local restaurants

have changed their
"small-size" option

to a whopping 64-ounces.

That's correct, and it's
great for the consumer.

More bang for the buck.

Are we putting bargains
on trial here?

How could any sane person
call that "small"?

Well, if the customer
truly wants a smaller size,

there is an option.

Oh, do you mean
the "li'I swallow"?

Does anybody buy that?

Some girls buy them
for their dollhouses,

but they're not
very popular.

I mean, for only
a nickel more,

you get 64 ounces.

Well, uh, Paunch Burger
just recently came out

with a new 128-ounce option.

Most people call it
a gallon,

but they call it
the "regular."

Then, there is a horrifying
512-ounce version

that the call "child size."

How is this
a "child-size soda"?

Well, it's roughly the size
of a two-year-old child,

if the child were liquefied.

It's a real bargain
at $1.59.

I'm sorry, Ms. Pinewood,

but why would anybody
need this much soda?

It's not my place to speak
for the consumer,

but everyone should buy it.

Come on, Andy, come on.
You can do it.

Go, go, go, go,
go, go, go, go, go.

Dig, dig, dig, dig, dig,
dig, dig, dig, dig.

- Aah!
- Yes!

Oh, my God.

It's so hot.
It was horrible.

Oh, I'm going to die.
I'm so tired.

Everything hurts.

Running is impossible.

What are you doing?

Tom, now is not the time
for criticism.

How did he do?

Andy finished his two-mile run
in 29 minutes and 43 seconds.

No! I'm never
gonna be a cop.

I'm gonna have to be
a robber.

Oh, come on.
Hang in there, pal.

I'm gonna drive around.

Andy, I'm proud of you.

Not because of what you did,
which was terrible,

but because of what I'm going to
be able to get you to do.

I guess I'm proud of me.

Thanks, man.
Me too.

We have so much work to do.

Oh, hey, Ellis,

have you put the campaign
pictures up on the website?

Oh. Yeah.
I started doing them.

And are you going to
finish doing them?

Oh.
Later, man.

I actually think
you look really good,

except for the stick
up your butt.

Who do you think drew it?

Was it Nathaniel?
Ellis?

Man, I feel like
these interns

do not respect
or like me at all.

Honestly, you could
loosen up a bit

on the font stuff.

And everything in general.

God, this is insane.
They're interns.

They're totally replaceable,
and I'm their boss.

Just fire them.

Uh, hey, Jen.

Listen, I'm having a problem
with some of the interns.

I'm thinking of
making some changes.

Yeah.

Turns out Ellis is
Congressman Murray's nephew.

Nathaniel is related
to Donald Rumsfeld.

Brittany's dad is
Ben Bernanke's dentist.

Every single one
of these little twerps

is seriously connected.

So, new plan.

Instead of f*ring them,

I am going to kiss
their asses like crazy.

Ms. Knope, this is about
consumer rights,

and if they don't want to
drink our delicious sodas,

we do provide healthier
options, like water zero.

Oh, yes. Let's talk
about water zero.

The name implies that
there are zero calories,

like most water,
but in fact,

it has 300 calories
per serving.

Isn't that misleading?

The zero on the label

refers to the amount
of water in it,

which is zero.

If you want
zero-calorie water,

try diet water zero lite.

It has only 60 calories.

Okay, I think
we're done here.

Thank you so much.

Oh, councilwoman,
one more thing.

If your tax bill passes,

local restaurants
will hurt badly.

We'll have to lay off
about 100 people.

You're bluffing.
She's bluffing.

Are you bluffing?

The second
your tax bill passes,

this press release
goes wide.

See you at the meeting.

"Leslie Knope Soda Tax
Forces Massive Layoffs."

Oh, my God, Ann.
I need some sugar.

No, no. No, no, no!
Stop it!

Leslie, you stop it
right now!

Okay, let's get started.

I proposed this bill,

but the issue has become
very complicated,

so before I decide how
I am going to vote,

I'd love to hear
from both sides.

Who'd like to start?
Yes.

Yeah, I work
at Colonel Plump's,

and word around
the Slop Trough is,

they're talking about
laying people off.

So, maybe you could get off
your high horse

and help me keep my job.

- Yeah!
- Yeah!

Well, sir, I may vote
against the tax,

because, frankly, I don't
take job losses lightly.

No. I want the tax.

My husband started drinking
those giant sodas,

and he's gained 100 pounds
in three months.

Consequently, we haven't
had sex in ten years.

I-I thought you said

he gained weight
in the last three months.

Well, we have lots
of other problems.

Well, ma'am,
my original stance

was that implementing
this tax

would be good
for public health.

All taxation is theft!

If the government
can tax me,

I-I can--I can do this.

Grover, give that woman
her purse back.

There's a lot of
pill bottles in here.

Okay.

Been making some modifications
to the pace car.

Speaker system, Mad Men bar,
iPad dock, and bam!

Orange racing stripe.

It's a perfect recreation
of Han lue's Nissan

in The Fast And The Furious:
Tokyo Drift.

Weirdly, so far,
no one has noticed.

I want to find something
that really motivates you.

Why do you want to achieve
this goal?

I just want to get
a good job for me and April.

- Yes! Keep going. Dig.
- Okay, yeah.

Uh, I love April.
I think she's awesome.

She's all I care about
in the whole world.

Yes. Love and family.

What else is there,
really?

Nothing at all.

I exercise because,
when I was a baby,

I had
a rare blood disorder,

and I suppose
I need to feel

like my body's
in tip-top shape...

So it doesn't destroy me,
leaving me to die alone.

Great. You got yours,
I got mine.

I'm gonna go run
till I puke. Let's go.

Guess what's in these boxes,
everybody?

What? Pizza.
That's right.

Everybody chill out.
Take a pizza break on me.

Ellis, what's up, my male?
You grab a slice of 'za, brah.

All right.

Hey, dude,
do you play Ultimate?

Yeah, I play intramural
at Georgetown.

Dude, so did I,
in college.

Whoa, you guys
should get married.

We should play tomorrow
morning in the park.

- What about the website?
- Whatever.

You can put those pics up
anytime.

We should lock down
some tight disc grabs,

am I right, ell-bones?

- Yeah, it sounds good.
- Yeah?

It's better than working.

No doubt, no doubt.

All right, listen up,
pizza lovers.

Tomorrow morning, pre-work
Ultimate in the park.

Everybody's invited.
What do you say?

Let's do it to it,
my dudes.

Okay, anyone else?

Yeah, if we put
a tax on soda,

I mean, what's next,
income?

Sir, you don't pay
your income tax?

Whether or not
I pay income tax

is none of
the government's business.

Oh, well, no,
actually, it is.

Well, you don't know my name
or what I look like,

so good luck finding me.

I think we should tax
all bad things,

like racism
and women's vaginae.

We're not taxing
anyone's genitals.

Then what the hell
are we doing here?

Come on, boys.

Okay, um, let's take
a quick straw poll.

Hold up green if you agree
and red if you disagree. Ann?

"The soda tax is good and will
help people get healthier."

- So, about half?
- Half.

Okay, "the soda tax is bad
and unfair to consumers."

Half and half.

Thank you so much.
This is very confusing.

I've got an idea.

Maybe instead of me
losing my job,

you ought to lose your job.

Let's recall Leslie Knope.

Let's do this!

Nice catch!

Someone please tell me
we kodaked that moment.

Yeah,
rocked that scoober!

Whoa! You got it, Howie!

All right, April,
what's the score?

1,000 to 7.

Good sportsmanship, bro.

Sorry.

- Andy, repeat after me.
- Okay.

- "I run for April."
- I run for April.

Run for your wife, son!

- "I run for love."
- I run for love.

Playaz, at your marks.

What do you run for again,
Chris?

Nobody. Nothing.
Does it really even matter?

Get set.
Get at me!

Whoa!

Oh, hey, you okay?

No. There's something
wrong with my body.

- What?
- My legs aren't working.

I'm broken.

I need to go to the hospital
and see a doctor right away.

Hey.

- Yikes. You look weird.
- So do you.

That's a lie.
You always look beautiful.

Okay, well, I couldn't sleep
a wink last night,

so at 5:00 in the morning,

I went to Paunch Burger
for a pick-me-up.

I couldn't decide
what kind of soda I wanted,

so I had them put all six
in one cup.

You know what it tastes like?

- Disgusting?
- Mm-hmm.

- How are you gonna vote?
- I don't know.

If I vote for the tax,
then I might lose my job,

and if I vote against it,

I might be betraying
my own bill.

It's like I'm floating in
this giant river of ambiguity.

I'm under a warm waterfall
of uncertainty.

Do you just have to pee
real bad?

- Yes.
- Yeah.

I've lost
all of my instincts.

I'm lost. I don't know
what I'm gonna do.

I'm just gonna have to wait,
and when they call my name,

I'll do what my gut
tells me to do.

- Councilman Howser?
- Aye.

Councilman Howser
votes aye.

Councilwoman Knope,
how do you vote?

Oh, no.

Uhh!

Gentlemen, it appears
that I have fallen ill.

Mayhaps, might I suggest
that we have a re--aah!

Can we take a recess?

Well. your pulse is super-fast,

but that wouldn't be out of
line for someone who drank

and then barfed up
a gallon of sugar water.

Wow, I'm a mess.

Everything's upside-down,
you know?

I mean, when I used to
just work here,

I was always
so sure of myself.

Now everything is different.

Jeez. Do you guys know
how to dissolve super glue?

Well, not everything's
different, right?

Right.

Hey, Ellis.

Ell-bow. Ell-chupacabra.
Drinkin' coffee.

- What?
- Oh, it's--it's a--

it's from 40 years ago.
Never mind.

Hey, that was really fun
this morning, huh?

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

Yeah, totally.

- Uh...
- Oh, wow, look at that.

Did you draw that?

- Uh, no, I didn't.
- No, no, no, no, no.

It's really good.

I mean, you're a--
you're a great artist.

Oh, I can't do this.

Look, I don't care
who you're related to.

I'm your boss, and you can't
keep disrespecting me like this.

Hey, man, I didn't draw it.
Your daughter did.

- What?
- Her.

April's not my daughter.
She's my friend.

Does everyone think
she's my daughter? Whatever.

The point is, she would
never do that to me.

Sorry, Dad.

Ron, my rock,
my steady, guiding light.

O Captain, my Captain.

Did you get that soda refill
I asked for?

I need you, Ron, okay?
I'm in big trouble.

I need to go back to
those chambers in 20 minutes,

and I have to cast a vote,

and I don't know what
I'm gonna do.

I'm sure
you'll figure it out.

Ron, the people
at the public forum

said they might
want to fire me.

So what?
I've tried to fire you.

Okay, Ron, come on.
Be serious.

I was not joking.

Here is your personnel file.
See for yourself.

"Brilliant work."
"Commendation."

"Above and beyond."

Keep reading.

"Request
for termination"?

You tried to fire me once?

No, no, no, no.
I tried to fire you four times.

What--you--me--fou--
four--fired--times?

If you need to boot again,
the trash can's on your right.

Hey, man, what'd the doc say?
Everything okay?

The tests and blood work
came back,

and the news is terrible.

They found

nothing.

Nothing?

- Nothing. The silent k*ller.
- Oh, my God.

Chris, that means
everything's okay.

Why weren't you
at practice this morning?

Yeah, you should have
been there.

I finally hit
my minimum requirement.

Minimum champion!

I'm going to die one day,
probably,

without ever having
left my mark

on this silly,
little planet.

I'm gonna die an anonymous,
meaningless speck of dust.

Wow.

It sounds like you're
really going through

some tough stuff
right now.

It's too bad there's not
doctors for your mind.

All right, well, hey,

I'm gonna go run
some more laps.

Will you time me?
Go.

He's kind of right,
Chris.

You were freaking out

because you were
thinking about Andy

and his family
and how you don't have one.

Every time something tiny
goes wrong,

you spiral like crazy.

Maybe you should see
a therapist.

I hope I'm not out of line.

Au contraire, mon frere.

You are as "in line"
as a person can be.

You are a genius
and an amazing motivator.

What was my time?

- I don't know. 43.
- Yes! New record.

All my life, I have tried
to achieve external goals.

Run a four-minute mile,
climb Mount Everest.

But before I can do that,

I need to climb
the Mount Everest

of my mind.

I don't understand. Why did
you try to get me fired?

The first year you worked
here, you drove me nuts.

I would say no to something
you wanted to do,

and you'd ignore me

or go over my head
and do it anyway.

You were insubordinate,
stubborn,

a pain in my ass,
and, worst of all, bubbly.

I was a dedicated
public servant.

Right. That was
the worst thing you were.

The point is, I ended up

withdrawing all four requests
to have you fired,

because, ultimately,

I'd rather work with
a person of conviction

than a wishy-washy kiss-ass.

Well, I had conviction because
I knew what I believed in,

but I know
with this new job.

I-I just feel like
I've lost my bearings.

No, you haven't.

You may have wandered
into unknown terrain,

but you're still you.

You know what?

Are you gonna pull out

some embarrassing photo of me
from high school?

Take this compass.
All great adventurers need one.

Thank you, Ron.

And, listen, as far as
this f*ring stuff goes,

I won't forget and I will
never forgive you.

There she is.

Here's that report
you wanted, boss.

It's funny because it has
30 different fonts on it,

and you only like one.

Do you like it?
Yeah, it's hilarious.

Okay, I'm sorry I drew
those pictures of you.

I was just messing around.

Look, you may not
take this seriously,

but this job
is important to me.

And by the way,
you should take it seriously,

because I asked you
to come work here

because I thought
you'd enjoy it

and I think you're smart,

but you have to have some
semblance of professionalism,

and I need you to give, like,
even a 15% effort.

- 12%.
- 15.

For God's sake, I'm asking
for 15% effort.

It's not supposed to be
a negotiation.

Fine. I'm sorry. 15.

City councilwoman Knope,
how do you vote?

Aye.
Strongly in favor.

The soda tax measure passes,
3-2.

Yes, I'm very pleased
with my vote

because I voted
my conscience.

And by the way,
she's totally bluffing

about laying people off,
you watch.

Anyway, I may have made
some enemies today,

but that is
part of the job.

And who knows,
maybe in the future,

my enemies will become
my friends.

Stranger things
have happened.

Let's keep it down
out there.

Yeah, I love cupcakes.

Ellis hates you,
and he has herpes.

- Hey, what's your problem?
- My problem is you, Smellis.

Ben told you
to finish the website,

and if you don't do it,
I swear to God,

I'm gonna m*rder you
in your sleep.

I know where you live.
14th street, right?

I'm gonna get a melon baller

and scoop your eyes out
and eat them,

and your congressman uncle
is gonna have to buy you a dog

to drag your eyeless face
around.

Do you understand me?

Yes.

Do it.