06x03 - The Pawnee-Eagleton Tip Off Classic

[bunniefuu]

Okay, here's the text I added a few more
jokes, slamming Eagleton at the end.

Mmm. That's the sexiest thing
you've ever said to me.

I'm so glad you're on my team.

Are you sure you wanna att*ck
'em at this press conference?

It's a friendly wager on a
high school basketball game.

I'm losing
the recall election, Ben.

Slamming Eagleton is the easiest
way to score some points.

Look. Am I proud of it?
Yes.

Because Eagleton sucks. But
is it the classiest move?

Yes, because Eagleton sucks.

Would I do it again? Yes,
because Eagleton sucks.

This year, we get to host the
Pawnee-Eagleton tip-off classic.

That awful human being
is Ingrid de Forest.

She's a city councilor
from Eagleton.

She thinks she's so great because she
won the Miss Indiana Beauty Pageant.

Last year.
While she was in office.

And pregnant.

As always, we would like to make
a friendly wager with Eagleton.

If you b*at us this year, we
will give you a basket of apples

- from our Pawnee orchard.
- Ew, pesticide. Yuck.

Oh, no, these
are pesticide-free.

I ate one of these for breakfast this
morning, and I found a worm in it.

So, I bet somebody feels
pretty stupid right now.

Well, Leslie, I think
we had similar ideas.

If you win, Eagleton will give
you this basket of oranges.

[Chuckles]

Of course, it's silly to compare
apples and oranges, but what the heck.

These are made of Swarovski crystal,
and they're worth $700,000.

Leslie, you're down 15 points in the
latest poll for the recall election.

What can you do
to make up the deficit?

I'll tell you what I'd do
if I was an Eagletonian.

I'd pop a Xanax and ask
my butler to help me out.

[Laughter]

I mean, I'm not saying that
Eagletonians are out of touch.

But when you tell 'em it's time
to change their oil, they ask,

"Extra virgin
or white truffle?"

[Laughter]

Thanks, guys.
I'll see ya at the game.

Unless, of course,
you're an Eagletonian,

and then you'll be too busy polishing
your monocle at the caviar store.

Knope out.
[Microphone feedback]

[Laughter]

Yeah.

[Triumphant music]

Who or what is Penny Saver?

It's a free circular with
a bunch of coupons in it.

This was sent to Ron Swanson
at Diane's address,

where I've lived
for less than a month.

How is that possible?

This is an extreme invasion
of privacy.

The right to privacy is
very important to me.

My family has had a single P.O.
box for several generations.

We only ever subscribe to two
magazines, Reader's Digest and Ebony.

Ebony was due
to a clerical error,

but it ended up being
an interesting year of reading.

I don't know how this was delivered
to me, but it cannot happen again.

How can I stop it?

Mm. Donna is great
with this sort of thing.

She got me off the Williams-Sonoma mailing
list, but then I just signed back up again.

Hooked on their oven mitts. I
need my mitts on those mitts.

Let me know the second
Donna returns.

According to her Twitter feed,
she got coffee five minutes ago.

Wait, now she's Ustreaming her walk back.
She should be here in three, two, one.

Both: Hey, hey.

Hashtag quest for coffee,
blowin' up my timeline.

You get my snapchat about it?

- No.
- What?

There it is.

- Hey, you wanted to see me?
- I did.

- Think fast.
- Oh, my God.

Hey, Dr. Buttons--

I mean, my old calculator.
It doesn't have a name.

Why did you throw this at me?

I just got off the phone with
our old boss from Indianapolis,

and apparently there may be some sort
of a budget problem in Eagleton.

He asked if maybe you and
I wouldn't have a look.

You in?

Butch Count-sidy and the
Sum-dance Kid, together again.

Both: Hmm.
- Auditing bros!

Yeah, and auditing sistah.
Let's do this.

Oh, you're coming?

If there's a problem with
Eagleton, I wanna be there.

That's like a dream come true.

Besides, I have a new routine
I'm working on.

Kind of like a Jeff Foxworthy-type
thing, but about Eagleton.

[Southern accent] If you make
your omelet out of Faberge eggs,

you just might...
Both: Be an Eagletonian.

Yippee! Road trip!

Who's excited to
go to Bloomington?

Is that where you're gonna sit?

I'm driving.
Where else would I sit?

Trunk.

I helped April get into vet school in
Bloomington and today's her orientation,

so we're taking
a little road trip.

While I'm there, I'm also gonna
pick up an organic baby blanket.

I would get one in
Pawnee, but fun fact--

our only baby store is attached
to a chemical refinery.

I made a special road
trip mix CD for us.

- I hope you like Tori Amos.
- Oh, cool.

It really is a pleasure to see
you in this context, Ingrid.

Say cheese.

Damn it.
You look beautiful.

Can you give us a
little more information

surrounding the deficits
that you're running this year?

Ooh, gosh.

We don't really like
to talk about

[whispers]
money.

We find a little gauche.

This is a budget meeting.

Well, most of our files are in these
boxes if you really wanna take a look

at how much that we've spent.

Why don't we just dig in and
see what we're up against?

Yes. And thank you.

We really appreciate your help.

Are you tipping me?

Is that 100...

Euros?

People ought to have
the right to be left alone.

I wanna get completely
off the grid.

That's crazy talk.

I live for the grid.

It's where I meet
40% of my jump-offs.

And if you're off the grid,
how are you gonna post photos

of the dope food at restaurants you're at
and all the cool places you're stuntin' in?

Food is for eating.

Places are for being.
End of discussion.

Don't leave the grid, Ron.
The grid is the best.

If anything, you need
to get more on the grid.

Both: Grid, grid, grid,
grid, grid, grid, grid--

If you help me get off the grid, I
will let both of you go home early.

Both: No grid, no grid,
no grid, no grid.

All right, so you have everything
you need for orientation?

Yeah, an empty Sprite can, an old
man's fingernail in my pocket,

and a picture of Patrick
Ewing on a roller coaster.

- I'm all set.
- Great.

Hi. My friend here is enrolling
in the vet school next month,

and she would like
to be shown around.

Totally, happy to.
I'm Laura.

I'm April Ludgate Kevorkian.

So you go with Laura, who seems really
nice and does not deserve to be tortured.

And I will come meet up with you
after I finish at the baby store.

Sure you wanna
leave me here with her?

What if I'm a m*rder*r?

[Laughs]
Oh, that's funny.

This is worse than I
could've imagined.

Their debt-to-equity ratio
is ridonkulous.

[Laughs]
What a hilarious word.

It reminds me
of a ridiculous donkey.

- He's the best.
- What does this mean for them?

They were in financial trouble a
few years ago, like Pawnee was,

but their government just
kept borrowing money.

Eagleton is on the brink of
an epic financial disaster.

Ahh.

Now that is the sexiest thing
you've ever said to me.

Really, that?

This is gonna hand me
the recall election.

I saved Pawnee from bankruptcy.

Now I get to remind people of that
fact as we watch our worst enemy

collapse into bankruptcy.

Plus, guess what I get
to do after the game now.

You pretend you're Ingrid.

Let's pretend this box is the basket
of apples I bet them on the game.

I see where
you're going with this.

- No, you don't.
- Yeah, you're gonna ask me

- if I like apples--
- Do you like apples?

- We just watched this movie two nights
ago, so... - Do you like apples?

- I don't wanna do this.
- How about them apples? [Laughs]

Paul, if you ever see another one
of these with my name on it,

I want you to drive
into the woods and bury it.

I don't decide who gets mail, sir.
I just deliver it.

Passing the buck--

the last refuge of the
cowardly and black-hearted.

- That seems harsh.
- Get out.

We got rid of your cell phone.

This is your last credit card.

Are you sure you want
me to cut up this card?

It gets you into
the parking garage.

I'll be taking the bus now,
and I'll be paying in cash.

What other traces of me exist
in the world? Think, people.

Isn't there a photo of you up at JJ's
diner, from that time when you-- aah!

Come on, Tom!

This place is unbelievable.
It has everything I need:

Video monitors,
lead-free pacifiers.

These are the first bibs I've ever seen
without Dale Earnhardt Jr.'s face on them.

Really?

April?

Excuse me, sorry.

April, why aren't you
at orientation?

Um, I was at orientation,
but it was lame, so I left.

And then I kept walking,
and now here I am.

We are going back there
right now, young lady.

- Mm-mm.
- Come on.

God, get off me, stranger.

I'm so sorry we're late. We came
from our bankruptcy brunch.

And Michael Buble played,
but he ran a little long.

I love Michael Buble.

Was a bankruptcy
brunch the best idea?

Sure, let's not have brunch...

[Chuckles]
like animals.

Well, um, some of these
expenditures are questionable.

Uh, you filled the public pools
with bottled water?

- Total body hydration.
- What is this here?

This massive expenditure
from public works?

Ah, yes. Well, yes.

We purchased HBO
for the whole town.

I'm sorry. You spent government
money on a TV subscription?

It's not TV.

Al right. Uh, Leslie's put together a
presentation for a financial recovery.

Great.

You may find it
very informative.

Let's get started
with our first slide.

"Well, well, well..."

Tsk, tsk, tsk.

JJ, a few months ago, I came
in here and began eating eggs.

They were delicious, so I ordered more.
Before long, I believe I had eaten--

51 eggs in 20 minutes.

Couldn't cook 'em fast enough. The
last ten were still in the shell.

It was a JJ's Diner record,
and you took his picture.

Now, we need that picture,
for privacy reasons.

Okay, but I don't know how
anybody would know it's you.

We followed your instructions.

That's too much information.

Let's go.

Where are we going now?

I've eaten a lot of food
in a lot of restaurants.

Why is everyone else
so bad at eating?

I only agreed to come back
here because of our deal.

Do you promise to play along?

- Yes.
- Do you?

- Yes.
- Hi, you're back.

Hello again.

As you remember, I'm April, and this
is Ann, my 65-year-old grandmother.

Yes, that's who I am.

Anyway, we'd love to
hear about Bloomington.

It seems like a real hip
kind of college town.

Mee-maw, God, no one uses
the word hip anymore.

Sometimes I wish you went down on the
Titanic with all your sorority sisters.

I would be happy to show you
guys around the campus.

Is there anything in
particular that you wanna see?

How are your local graveyards?

[Whispers]
I have some planning to do.

"You blew it.

"Super hard.

"Complete buffoonery.

It's hilarious." And
"You deserve it."

Hey, you think you might wanna
take it easy on them a little bit?

Oh, like they took it easy on us
when they stole all our money

- and seceded from our town?
- That was 200 years ago. Cool it.

Fine. I'll skip ahead.

Do you have a plan
that will help us or not?

We have borrowed absolutely
everything we can from the state.

And really,
Pawnee is our only hope.

We do have a plan.

We are willing to provide
a bridge loan for $50,000.

25% interest
compounded monthly.

And you need to release a statement that
says that Pawnee rules and Eagleton drools.

Well, now you're just
being nasty.

I understand that our towns
have a complicated history, but

we have a saying in Eagleton...

"You don't kick a dressage horse
after a failed pas de deux."

Whatever, blondie.

Your butler made your bed,
now you gotta lie in it.

And if you walk out that door, none
of us here, and I repeat, none of us

will ever help you again.

Oh, my God.

They have Michael
Buble on retainer.

Okay, all public photos
of me recovered.

Nameplate removed
from my office door.

Pediatrician files
confiscated and destroyed.

- Anything I'm missing?
- Great news, Ron.

Jean-Ralphio
loves your shirt.

What the hell
are you talking about?

Oh, I've been taking pictures of you
all day for my new Facebook album:

"RonSwan: Gettin' off the grid."

Tom,

do you maybe see a problem
with what you've done?

I do now.
Yes, sorry.

Erase.

Erase. Erase.

Erase all pictures of Ron!

Erase all pictures of Ron!

Erase all pictures of Ron!

What the hell is happening?

I think you accidentally
opened up Vine.

You just vined your
first selfie, Ron.

And I'm vining you
vine your selfie.

The world is a nightmare.

[Both laughing]

- Wait, wait, wait, wait.
- Erase all pictures of Ron!

All: Erase all pictures of Ron!

[Laughs]

The B-line is a cool outdoor trail
that cuts right through downtown.

She said the B-line
is cool, Mee-maw.

Cool means good.

Thank you, Laura,
for showing us around.

Sure.

See you in a couple
weeks, April.

See?
This place is great.

- Aren't you glad we came back and
talked to her? - No. It was pointless.

- I'm not going to school here.
- April, don't flake out on this.

You're gonna love it here.
Bloomington is great.

It's got culture and music
and tons of youngsters.

Youngsters?
Am I 65 years old?

Yeah, I'm not going here.
I don't want to. Let's leave.

- Think fast.
- Oh!

Why do people keep assuming
I'm ready to catch things?

"Eagleton:
No money, mo' problems."

Fantastic, right?

I made enough of them for
everybody to wear at the game.

I do like
a good internal rhyme.

Ben, you ready for dinner? We
can go over the poll numbers.

Oh... you know,

I've got a few phone calls to make.
Can you give me an hour?

I can meet you there.

Oh, my God.

- What is she doing here?
- I'm sorry, Leslie,

but you didn't really
help them very much,

so we volunteered to give them
a little financial advice.

You didn't actually
help us at all.

- Just one second.
- Yeah.

I'm just gonna help
them out, okay?

- Mm.
- Just for an hour.

He's just being
a good neighbor.

- We're in a lot of trouble, Leslie.
- I don't need any lip from you, okay?

You're in trouble because
of your own stupidity.

[Scoffs]

I have a PhD from the Sorbonne.

- For what? Wearing Chanel suits?
- There was a fashion component, yes.

I'm not mad that
you're doing this.

Yes, I am mad
that you're doing this.

But even worse, I'm mad that you just
lied to me about it. - Okay, I'm sorry.

We all swore that we weren't
gonna ever help her again, ever.

I never said that.
You did.

I speak for all of
us in all matters.

That is what you tacitly agreed
to when you married me. - What?

Yeah, let's go. You've
changed your mind.

You're not gonna
help her anymore.

Leslie, I just wanna borrow
your husband for the evening.

Can we please talk about what happened
back there?

What, Ann? I just stole your phone

and texted every guy in it
that the baby was theirs.

It's not that big of a deal.

Listen, I know you don't believe
this, but I care about your future.

And I'm just
a little disappointed

that you're just not
following through with this.

Yeah, it's not about
following through, okay?

I was on the fence about
whether I wanted to do it.

And as soon as I
got there, I just

had a gut feeling that it wasn't
right for me, that's all.

So, just like that, boom--huge
life decision made?

That's how I make
all my life decisions.

My gut is always right, okay?

It was right about marrying Andy,
and it was right when it told me

that you would be the worst person
I would ever meet in my life.

And I've met Guy Fieri, Ann.

[Chuckles]

So gross!

How do you get your gut
to talk to you?

You don't get your gut to talk to you.
You just listen when it says something.

Well,

right now my gut is saying

that we are going to listen to
Mariah Carey the whole way home.

[Vocalizing over radio]

- Good.
- [Ann vocalizing]

[Whistle blows]

[Cheers and applause]

Whoa. Wow, I'm really surprised you're
sitting on this side of the bleachers

and not on the Eagleton side
with your new girlfriend Ingrid.

Leslie, I'm just
trying to help them.

Why? They wouldn't help us
if the tables were turned.

I mean, they're 50 points ahead,
and they're still dunking.

I mean, look at this guy. There's
no way he is in high school.

And I'm better
at French horn too, Eric.

[Whistle blows]
[Crowd booing]

People are gonna
lose their jobs, Leslie.

And the recovery
will take years.

Deep down, I think you
feel bad for them.

Okay, I do a little, yes.

And I'm sorry that I blew up
at you yesterday.

With all the recall stuff
happening,

I just really need to feel
like you're on my team,

and seeing you with them

made me feel like you weren't.

I'm always gonna be
on your team.

You never have to worry
about that.

[Crowd chanting]
Defense!

All: Oh!

Eagleton player number
seven, injured on the play.

Official time-out.

Oh, God.

I'm gonna say something.

And if I throw up on you after I say
it, just know that you've been warned.

I know how we can
help Eagleton.

I don't see what the problem is.

I will give you a certain amount of gold
in exchange for a recreational vehicle.

I still need an address
for insurance purposes.

This will be my new home.

The address is
wherever it is parked.

Where have you been?

I had a flat tire, and I've been trying
to get in touch with you for hours.

Sorry, darling.

I've been busy destroying
most of my personal effects

and threatening
a postal worker.

Ron, I know you value your privacy, but
you are a husband and a father now.

You can't just roam the streets in
an RV and be impossible to find.

I'm on a mission
to get off the grid.

Well, you don't have to be entirely on
the grid, but have to be on our grid.

I suppose you wouldn't
consider moving.

I've heard the school system in the tunnels
beneath Yucca Mountain is adequate.

I love you, but your solution to every
problem is to live inside a mountain.

I love you too.

Okay, one more time.

Are you absolutely sure you
wanna go through with this?

A lot of people are gonna get angry, and
you might lose the recall election.

Or, if I pull it off,
I just might win.

Plus, a very smart member of my team
pointed out it's the right thing to do.

Good morning.

After an all-night
strategy session,

the towns of Pawnee and Eagleton have
come up with a potential solution

to Eagleton's budget crisis.

The town of Eagleton
will be dissolved

and re-absorbed into Pawnee.

[Exclamations]

Pawnee will provide
some government services,

as well as taking on some
of Eagleton's debts.

[Murmuring, commotion]

I understand.

Look, I hate Eagletonians
as much as you do.

I hate their stupid beautiful faces
and their stupid shiny hair.

We looked at every alternative.

This is the only scenario that
prevents Eagleton's financial crisis

from spiraling throughout
the entire region.

Eagleton is terrible!

Why should I bail them out
with the hard-earned money

from my unemployment check?

- All: Yeah!
- Because they are our neighbor

and they've sprained
their ankle.

And when your neighbor sprains his
ankle, you help him off the court.

I understand you have concerns
and questions,

and we are here
to listen to them.

[Overlapping chatter]
I got something to say.

One at a time, please.

- I hate the one-at-a-time system!
- Why should we bail them out?

No one bailed me out
when I got arrested for arson.

You can't just merge two towns.

It's against the rules
of nature.

What's next--
merging a man with his dog?

I live in Eagleton.

And frankly, I don't like the
idea of living in Pawnee.

They're a little--
oh, what's the word?

Have-no-money.

[Exclamations]

Bertram, that's enough.

First of all,
Eagleton has no money.

Second of all, they are gracious
enough to throw us a lifeline,

and we should be eternally
grateful for their generosity.

They're a town of angels--

greasy, denim-clad angels,

but angels nonetheless.

Yeah, we'll take it.

I mean, did you steal
this from a museum?

Maybe find it frozen in ice?

It looks like the original phone
from the movie Wall Street.

I think it's just the
original phone, period.

Ew, gross,
it has "buttons."

Okay, girls, this is
a magic phone, okay?

Only you and I have
got the numbers.

So if you ever need
Ron for any reason,

you just call and
he'll be there in a flash.

Yes, I will. I'll
keep it right here.

It snaps right in,
snug and secure.

A cell phone belt clip?

No, Ron. Oh, my God!

Yeah, I can't be seen with you.

Travelin' Ann Perkins!
How was Bloomington?

It was amazing.

They had all the baby supplies we need,
and they had all this other cool stuff.

They had a bike-sharing program and
a vegan Afghan restaurant and--

Oh, my God.
I'm having one.

- I'm having one right now.
- A contraction?

No. Dude, I'm, like,
three months pregnant.

I-I know.
I'm just so excited.

The thing I'm having
is a gut feeling.

What would you think about raising our
child somewhere other than Pawnee?

Thank you, Leslie, from
all of us in Eagleton.

Our citizens owe you
a debt of gratitude.

Well, I think
at the end of the day,

everybody realizes
it's something we have to do.

On the bright side,

we did win the basketball game.

I think you owe us some apples.

- You better pay up.
- Oh, you don't want them.

All of Pawnee's apples
have been recalled--

- g. Coli.
- You mean e. Coli?

I wish. Way easier to treat.

Welcome to Pawnee!