02x05 - Tube Steaks

[bunniefuu]

Wow. You got a whole world
going on in there, huh?

Huh?

Your... Your nightstand.

What else have you got in there?

Oh. I don't know, uh...

Flashlight, earplugs,
deck of cards,

nose spray,

magnifying glass,

Certs, Velamints, and
a Swiss army Kn*fe.

I got some loose change
and a roll of caps.

So, uh, give me
some of your stuff.

No. Get your own stuff.

Come on, Carrie.

I need something big
to start my drawer.

What's... What's that book?

Tuesdays with Morrie.
Give me that.

No! I am reading that.

Now, get back to your own side.

Fine.

I don't need you or your drawer.

Oh, look what rolled down.

Cherry ChapStick. Huh?

Mm. Oh, yeah.

Oh, bring it. Bring
it, bring it.

Soothing.

Yeah, it doesn't feel so good

when it's turned around
on you, now, does it?

Son of a...

SPORTS COMMENTATOR:
And we are back.

New York down two.
Fourteen seconds to go...

Come on!

Put it up, will you? No, no.
Plenty of time.

Plenty of time. You got
to work the clock.

Wait... Wait for your sh*t.

I think that's enough waiting.
You might want to sh**t it now.

sh**t it!

To the top of the key...

Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

That's what I'm talking about!

All right, boys,

Settle in. We're looking
at some sweet overtime.

CARRIE: Doug!

Not now, not now.

What's going on?

Oh, she wants me to pick
up medicine for Arthur

at the drugstore,
but it's overtime.

CARRIE: Doug!

It's all right. I got
this under control.

Doug! Answer me!

What, honey? I can't hear you.
I'm working on the car.

I can see your legs.

Yeah, I... I just finished.

By the way, keep
your eye on the...

CARRIE: Did you get my
dad's ear drops yet?

I'm gonna go right
after the game.

No, you have to go now.

The drug store closes
in 15 minutes!

Carrie, but it's overtime!

Fine. Watch your stupid game.

Putz.

Look, Dad, Doug's
busy right now,

and I've got all this work

that I've got to
get done tonight,

so you think your
swimmer's ear thing

will be okay until tomorrow?

Because I could
pick up the drops

first thing tomorrow morning.

Is that okay?

You realize I can't hear
a word you're saying?

I'll go get the drops.

Come again? I'll
go get the drops!

Foul. Come on, give a foul!

Your leg is touching me again.

I'll be back in a little while.

Whoa. Whoa, where you going?

Where do you think I'm going?

Carrie, I said I'd
get the ear drops.

I need some cushioned
insoles anyway.

Believe me, I want to go.

Well, that's touching, but
Walgreens closes at 10.

I'll go to a different place.

Walgreens has his
prescription on file.

You know, I'll do it. I'll go...

Yeah! Whoo!

What happened?

CARRIE: Goodbye.

Wait a second... I'll go.

I'm back.

And I got your stupid insoles.

Ow!

Ow? They're foam!

Where you been for so long?
It's almost 11.

Well, I was lucky enough
to arrive at the pharmacy

just as their
computers went down,

so they sent me to
another drugstore

where the computers were up...

But no drops.

So my father still can't hear,

and I'm going to be up way
past midnight working.

Thank you so much for your help.

Look. Look at this. I'm
folding laundry. Huh?

You know what?

These don't fit me
so well anymore.

Ha. You're a funny guy.

Carrie, come on! Look,
I'm sorry, okay?

I should've went to the
drugstore for you.

Uh, the Knicks lost, by the way,

if it makes you feel any better.

Yeah, I'm dancing.

I swear to God, Doug,
it's like when you...

When you're in front
of that stupid TV,

nothing else exists.

Look, all right, I tell...
How about this.

Tomorrow, I'll go pick up
your father's ear drops,

and any time after this
he needs ear drops

or nose drops

or drops for any orifice
above the waist,

I'm your guy.

Hey, speaking of which,
you want to mess around?

Okay, first of all,

that was the worst
segue I've ever heard,

and second of all, no.

I've got at least two
more hours of work to do.

Come on. I'll do that thing
that really gets you going.

You know, the thing? You
want me to do the thing?

You want me to do the thing.

I'll do it. I'll do it.
I'll do the thing.

Okay, I have no idea what
you're talking about.

Cereal. Huh.

I had you last night too.

Carrie!

Did you call me? Yeah.

Could I see you in the garage for
a second, please? Come here.

Huh?

Where's your TV?

I'm thinking it was stolen.

Oh, my God!

Well, how do you...

Do you think somebody
broke in here?

You know what,
that's one theory.

Here's another.

They came in through
the garage door

that you left open!

What? No. I did not!

Did, Carrie. Did!

Okay, you were the last one to use it.
It's open.

That means... Try and
stay with me here...

That you left it open!

Doug, would you stop
yelling at me, okay?

Because I know I closed it.
I remember distinctly.

I drove into the garage,

got out of the car, walked
to the door, and...

Oh.

Oh? Innocent people don't
say, "Oh," Carrie.

Well, my cell phone rang.

It was my boss,

yelling at me about the stuff
I hadn't faxed to him yet.

I had... I had the
cell phone in one hand

your insoles in the other,

and I... I guess I forgot
to hit the button.

Oh, come on!

Well, the...

The button's too small and
it's not lit up or anything.

Don't you dare
blame that button.

That button's been
nothing but good to us.

Well, you know what?

If you would have
picked up the ear drops

like you said you would,

this never would have happened.

No, that's not why it happened.
I'll tell you why it happened.

It happened because you
wanted it to happen.

What? You heard me.

It all makes sense now, you know.
You hated my TV.

So now you wished it
into the corn field

and it's gone.

The corn field?

Yeah. Hi.

Classic Twilight Zone?
Sci-fi channel?

Ever hear of it? No?

Hey, let me show you.

Oh! I can't!

Would you stop getting so upset?

We'll just call the
insurance guy.

Insurance? Oh, yeah.

Yeah. We paid exactly
$2688 for it.

Oh, I love insurance.
Great invention.

Electronics Depot. That's right.

Hey, you know,

the price of bigscreens
has really come down.

I should take the extra
money and get a Discman.

You know, start power
walking, tone my abs...

It's going to be a whole new me.

Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

Uh-huh.

What?

Okay. Well, just
send us the check.

Send the check. Send the check.

Yeah! Ooh.

That's awesome, man.

Look, you screw up, I
get a brand-new TV.

I love you, you dizzy
little dingbat.

Uh, Doug? Yeah?

They're only giving us $188.

But that's not enough.

I know. When I took
out the policy,

I asked for the highest
deductible, 2500.

What did you do that for?

To get the lowest premium.

I didn't think we were
ever gonna get robbed.

Well, then, why did we even get
insurance in the first place?

Because the...
Commercial made me cry.

And I guess that's what
you're supposed to do.

Oh. Yeah. You know what
else you're supposed to do?

You're supposed to
press little buttons

that close giant doors!

Look, Doug. I made a mistake,
and I am very, very sorry.

But there's nothing that
we can do about it now,

so you just have to let it go.

Let it go? Let it g...

Carrie, that TV was
important to me.

If it was important to you,

I don't think it
would be so easy

for you to let it go.

You know, there are other
things to do in life

other than sitting on
your ass and watching TV.

Oh yeah? Like what?

I don't know. How about I
buy you that Discman, huh?

Work on your abs like
you said you would.

Oh, get real.

That was never gonna
happen and you know it.

I... I can't believe it.

Just last night we
were sitting here...

Watching...

Not a care in the world...

Now it's gone.

You never think it'll
happen to you, huh?

Those bastards!

How you doing, man?

Look at this.

My TV had picture-in-picture
freeze frame...

That's deep.

Channel lock,

and a whole bunch of
other great features.

I never bothered to
read the manual.

I'd always thought
there'd be time.

5:00.

Right about now,
we'd be watching

the college football
post-game show.

No, man.

We would've flipped over
to catch the end of golf.

Golf blows. We'd be
watching the post-game show

or maybe Nascar.

No. Come on. Wouldn't we
want a change of pace?

Like a double dose of Rhoda?

No, I ain't watching Rhoda!

I'm not watching Nascar.

Would you guys stop
it, all right?

Look, it's gone!

Okay? There's no sports.
There's no Rhoda.

There's a wall! All right?

We can watch the rake
or the air filter.

The choice is yours.

So where'd you get this?

New place.

I like the soup.

Actually it's... It's bisque.

What's the difference?

I don't know.

Actually, I think
bisque is thicker.

Uh-huh. Yeah.

Yeah. Thicker. Yeah.

So how was your day?

Was good.

Lots of packages.

Yours?

Fine, fine.

Actually, they finally...
Gave me a new computer.

Really nice one too.

Fast modem, big screen.

Sorry.

Okay, Dad, if you
don't sit still,

I'm going to be cutting
more than hair.

Not too much off the top.

I want that Robert Preston look.

Even if I knew who that was,

I couldn't pull it off.

Just do your best and
lose the attitude.

I'm... I'm sorry, Dad.
It's just...

I don't know.

Things are still weird
between Doug and me.

It's this whole TV thing.

I wish I could get him to
just let this thing go.

Oh, the potent cocktail
of human emotion.

Hey, Dad, remember
when I was, like, 16

and we had that really big fight

over some college
guy I was dating?

Oh, yes. Russell from
SUNY Binghamton.

Wow.

Anyway, uh, remember
during the fight, I...

I threw my shoe at the bookcase

and it broke

your favorite Herb Alpert &
the Tijuana Brass album?

Herb Alpert? No. No. It was
my Allan Sherman record.

No. It was the Herb
Alpert record.

But anyway, that's
not the point.

You were so mad at me

for breaking that record.

What... What was it that
made you finally forgive me?

You want to know
why I forgave you?

Because you're my daughter

and I love you.

My God, your head is tiny.

Anyway, so that was it?

You forgave me
because you love me?

Well, also because you went out
and spent your hard-earned money

to replace my record.

I never replaced it.

Of course you did.

It's right on my shelf.

I exercised this morning to
"Hello Muddah, Hello Faddah."

Yes. That's because I
never broke that record.

I broke your Herb Alpert record.

Did you?

Yes.

South of the Border. I
smashed it to bits.

Oh, so that's why I haven't
heard it in 15 years.

Carrie Spooner, I'm very
disappointed with you.

Leave the room!

Thanks for the talk, Dad.

Sorry, pussycat.

Kiss won't save you this time.

So she was just screaming at me.

Finally I just said,
"Lady, two words: FedEx."

You're lucky.

I had to deliver to the guy
wearing a towel again.

Ooh. Yeah. It's brutal.

You know. He's moving
and he's signing...

I just don't have
faith in that tuck.

Hey. Want to get your
ass kicked in Foosball?

Yeah. Let's do it. Come on.

I tell you, you know,
at this point,

I just want the towel
to fall, you know?

Get it over with.

I'm just tired of
living in fear.

Whoa.

What the...

"Doug, I love you,

"and I really don't want to
spend the rest of my life

"being the person who left
the garage door open.

"So I got you this used,
but still very large TV.

"And don't say we
can't afford it,

"because I'm going
to work overtime

"to pay it off.

"Carrie.

And don't worry.
I'm not hooking."

Man, she bought me a TV!

I know. You read
the note out loud.

What an unbelievable
woman I married.

I mean, I've been acting
like such a baby about this.

Oh, man.

I hate my ugly... Suck... Face!

DOUG: Carrie? Honey?

Dear Carrie,

You are the best wife ever.

As long as they don't steal you,

I have everything I need.

I love you.

Okay. Spell check. Spell check.

There we go.

Nine errors. Wow.

Oh, well.

I broke her computer?

No. I did. I just need
you to say that you did.

Why would I say that?

Because I've been giving
her all kinds of crap

about getting my TV stolen.

She'll think I did
this out of spite.

I just couldn't handle it.

That's true. You're
decent, but weak.

Look, if you tell her that
you did it by accident,

she's not going to
get mad at you.

You're her father.

You know, plus, you break
things all the time.

So she's used to that.

Come on. What do you...
What do you say?

All right. I'll take the
b*llet for you, Douglas.

Thank you. There you go.

Okay. Now you...

You say you were up there.
You were borrowing a pen,

and, uh, you turned to walk away

and your foot
caught on the cord,

and bam!

The computer fell on the floor.
Okay?

No.

Why not?

It's ludicrous. She
wouldn't believe it.

Arthur, that's exactly
how I broke it.

I tripped on the cord.

Yes, but I'm nimble. I
move like a dancer.

Fine. What do you
want to say, then?

Let's see. Okay. Got it.

Early this morning,

I received a telegram
from the w*r department.

Oh, God.

So it was only after I yanked
the computer off the desk

that I realized

the smoke was actually
just steam from my coffee.

What were you even
doing in my office?

I have no further comment.

Look, the important thing
is everyone's okay.

Wait a minute.

Did you do this
to get back at me

for breaking your
Tijuana Brass record?

Hey, if I had, I'd be
fully within my rights.

I cannot believe you.

I had all of my files
in that computer.

I broke that stupid
record 15 years ago.

Yes, but it stings
like it was yesterday.

DOUG: You know what?

This sounds like a private
father-daughter thing, honey.

I'll be out there
watching my new TV.

Thanks again. I love you.

And for what it's worth, Arthur,

I think you're a
little out of line.

He did it!

CARRIE: Oh, please.

♪ Hello, Muddah Hello, Fadduh ♪

♪ Here I am at Camp Granada

♪ Camp is very entertaining

♪ And they say We'll
have some fun ♪

♪ If it stops raining

♪ I went hiking
With Joe Spivey ♪

♪ He developed poison ivy

♪ You remember Leonard Skinner? ♪

♪ He got ptomaine poisoning
Last night after dinner ♪

♪ All the counselors
Hate the waiters ♪

♪ And...