03x09 - Twisted Sitters

[bunniefuu]

No, dad, that's crazy!

Dad, I am not driving
2 hours upstate

to bring you your
centrum silver.

Stop calling them your meds.

You can buy them at 7-11.

Well, you're acting
like a lunatic!

Yes, you are!

Fine. You know what? Good-bye!

Now I feel bad.

Why?

Why? I just yelled at my father

and called him a lunatic.
That has to be wrong.

My God. What if something
happens to him

and that's the last
conversation we ever have?

Then you're off the hook.

Damn it, and when
he left yesterday,

I kissed him and I
told him I loved him.

If he was gonna die, that
would have been the day.

If it happens now, I'm screwed.

Call him back.

No, no. It's stupid.

Besides, you know what? You...
you yell at him all the time.

You have way worse
karma than I do.

Actually, the last thing I said
to him was "nice haircut,"

so I'm good to go.

Hi, daddy, it's me.

Listen, I was a little
short with you before,

and I'm... I'm sorry.

I love you.

No, that does not mean
I'm making the drive up.

Because I'm saying sorry
for yelling at you,

not the other part!

Well, too bad. I'm not making
the drive up, crazy man!

I'll see you in 5 hours.

Ok,

a little tip next time you try
to hook up surround sound.

Red goes in red.

Yellow goes in yellow.

You know what? I've
had enough with you

and your high-tech mumbo-jumbo.

Can I plug it in now?
Can I? Come on.

No. I'm workin' with
live wires here, man.

Yeah, I wanna see your skeleton.

See if you get that
chattering teeth going.

Put it down. What?

Good God. Are you
two still at that?

It's not my fault.

He hooks up a stereo
like a woman.

Doug, why are we
even doing this?

The sound on the T.V. Is fine.

Does it surround us? No.

Stop embarrassing yourself.

Oh, that's me.

Hello.

Hey, mom. What's up?

Oh, my God.

When did it happen?

What?

My Great-Aunt d*ed.

Oh, no.

Oh, honey, I'm sorry.

Excuse me.

Just give us a second, you guys.

Sure. Yeah.

Oh, that's a shame.

Yeah.

Look, is the evening over?

'Cause Deacon really
didn't finish up here.

A person d*ed, ok?

And you're worried about
your surround sound?

Well, it's just at this
point I have no sound.

Oh.

Come on, Carrie. It's
just a Great-Aunt.

It's not like a regular Aunt.

I mean, come on it's
like wax fruit.

Ok, any chance you could
act appropriately here?

What's appropriate? What do you
want me to do? You want me to cry?

You want me to shake my fist
at the heavens? Why her?

I don't know.

I just think we should be doing
something for them. I...

Like what?

I don't know. Make
them tea or...

Tea for a Great-Aunt?

That is way over the top!

Hey, sweetie,

how's Kelly doin'?

Uh, she's all right.

I mean, her Great-Aunt's been
sick for a while, you know.

Still it's sad.

Yeah, but not as sad
as a regular Aunt.

What?

You guys want some tea?

Uh...

No, thanks. We've got
a lot to figure out.

You know, travel arrangements,

who's gonna stay with the kids.

Can I use your phone in there?

Of course.

Thanks.

Should we offer to
stay with the kids?

Who, us? Really?

Yeah, why not? I mean,
we are the godparents.

I just thought we
were done with that

after we gave him
the savings bond.

Doug, I'm just thinking
maybe we should offer.

What do you think?

Hey, sweetie.

How are you doing?

He-ey-ey-ey.

I'm ok. We just have to
go to Chicago tomorrow

for the funeral.

Did you, uh, find anybody
to watch the kids yet?

No. Our regular
sitter can't do it.

We have to keep trying.

Uh-huh.

Uh, hey. Crazy
thought, you guys.

How about we stay with the kids?

Really?

I... I mean, that's
really sweet of you,

but it's just it's
a lot of stuff.

Look, you know what?
We can handle it.

Two of them, two of us. Right?

Plus we're bigger, right?

Sure. Uh, why not.

Ok, then.

All right, great.

Great. Yeah. Great.

So, uh,

Where are we at
with the speakers?

I got to tell you, this is
gonna be good practice for us.

You know, kind of like, uh, a
driving range for parenting.

Buy a bucket of babies,

tee 'em up, and see
how you do, right.

Huh?

What's the matter?

They hesitated.

What? Who hesitated?

Deacon and Kelly, when we
offered to watch their kids.

They did not.

Yes, they did. They clearly did.

Especially Kelly. I
mean it was so obvious

that she wasn't thrilled
about us doing this, Doug.

Her Great-Aunt just d*ed.

She was out of her
head with grief.

No, no, no. They hesitated,

and not... and not
'cause of you.

Because of me. I mean,
I'm not a kid person.

They... they could
smell it on me.

I mean, everybody's
always saying,

"oh, children are our future."

And I'm like, "whatever."

You're gonna do fine.

No, no, I'm not, Doug.

I mean one little nose
wiped on my blouse,

and I'm gonna be
looking for some gin.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

I'm starting to get
that panicky feeling.

Like before I fly.

Let's not do this, Doug.

Let's call them and cancel.

Cancel? Carrie, this is
not a dinner reservation.

They have nobody else
to watch their kids.

Well, I think they should
bring 'em to the funeral.

It's good for kids
to see dead people.

That... that little
kid in the movie,

he saw... saw dead
people all the time,

and he seemed fine.

He wasn't fine. He
was a little freak.

Now pack.

Ok, I got all our phone
numbers right here.

Phone numbers, great.

I labeled all the kids' food.
It's in the fridge.

Oh, it's in the fridge?
Oh, good,

'cause that just saved me
a wild goose chase. Ha.

Are you sure you're
ok doing this?

Uh, ok? Yeah, I think so.

I just wish your Great-Aunt
would have d*ed sooner.

I'm kidding. I'm
kidding, sweetie.

She's in a much better place now.
I'm sorry.

Yo, hon, we got to go.

Ok.

Ok. Bye, sweetie. Have a nice...

Be good. Kirby, watch
out for your brother.

Miss you, little man.

Miss you.

Thanks again, you guys.

Oh, come on.

Yeah, we owe you big for this.

No prob. Have a safe trip.

Hey, we should be thanking you.

Well...

We're on our own.

Uh-huh.

So far, so good.

So far, so good.

Well, I will see you later.

Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa!

You're leaving now?

Yeah, it's one of
my work Saturdays.

Wasn't the uniform a tip-off
for you at all, or...

Right. Right. Wait. Wait.

How about this? How about you
stay here with the kids,

and I'll go do your route?
Huh? Sign here, ma'am.

How hard could that be?

Honey, will you relax?

The kids are gonna love
spending the day with you.

Now, just show 'em your
gentle, nurturing side.

I have a gentle, nurturing side?

I believe it's in there, yes.

Oh, you're gonna do fine.

Ok, ok, all right, hon.

I love you. Bye, kids!

Bye!

All right.

Hi.

Hey.

Where's my mommy?

Your mommy?

Yeah, where is she?

Uh...

Sweetie, don't you remember

saying good-bye to her or...

Where is she?

Ok, um,

your mommy went to a
place called Chicago

because somebody d*ed.

What's "d*ed"?

I don't know.

Honey, I'm home!

I'm in the kitchen!

Hey, Kirby.

Hi.

The kirb-man.

Curbside check-in.

Uh-oh. Uh-oh, here comes
the Heffernan headlock.

Oh, that's right.

Oh, no. Off the top rope!

He's in trouble now!

Uh-oh. Oh, boy.

Is he gonna lose

his w.W.F. Belt?

It's gonna happen.
How do you feel?

I have to pee.

Ok, ok.

Hey.

Hey, so...

No one's missing, and
you're not drunk.

I'm guessing things
went pretty well today.

I gotta tell you,
honey, I rock at this.

I actually took them
both for a walk,

had this guy in a snuggly,
little legs going...

Frickin' adorable.

Came back here, watched
elmopalooza 3 times in a row,

and fielded some
very tough questions

about Bert and Ernie's
relationship.

Hey, sweetie, wash your hands...

With soap!

Huh, huh, do you see this?

It looks like somebody got
hit by the mommy truck.

I know. I guess I always had it in me.
Who knew?

Come on, baby, dinner!

I can't believe, with all this
going on, you made dinner.

Yep. Hamburgers, macaroni and
cheese, and fish sticks.

Good God, it's
Christmas morning.

Here, honey. I'll cut
this in half for you, ok?

Hey, look at this. Is
this a family or what?

I mean, not exactly the
way I pictured it,

but still.

Ok, baby's tucked in,
and Kirby's asleep,

and P.S., I'm pretty damn
good with shadow puppets.

I mean, he was terrified at
first, but, I got him back.

Oh, what's, what...
what's going on here?

What? This is where
we're sleeping.

Don't Deacon and Kelly

have a king-sized bed in there?

Yes, they do, and we have this.

♪ Sealy posturepedic ♪

Doug, get off of their bed!

Make me.

Come on. I'm not gonna make you.

I feel very
uncomfortable in here.

Will you relax?
We're celebrating.

What are we celebrating?

That you're not gonna be

the sucky mom we always thought.

Ok, but only because you
already messed up the bedding.

All right.

Oh, look at this.

Dimmer switch, huh?

Oh, we are styling.

Whoo, whoo...

Whoo-ahh...

Hey, stop it. You're
making me nauseous.

You just want music.

Oh, yeah...

I am mellow.

All right, come on.
Turn down the music.

You're gonna wake the kids.

All right.

So you, uh...

Proud of your big day?

Yeah, a little.

Well, you should be.

You were so great with
those kids today.

When I came home, and I
saw you holding Major,

I don't know, I just...

I guess I liked the
way you looked

with a baby attached to you.

♪ You make me feel

I mean, not literally
attached to you.

That would be gross.

I like the way you looked, too.

I love you.

I love you, too.

♪ With you tonight

and goal!

Whoo!

Wow, the lighting really helped.

What was that? I don't know.

Was someone just in the doorway?

I don't... I don't know.

Hey...

Uh, how's it going?

What happened?

Did Kirby see us having sex?

Possibly.

What does that mean?

We didn't get into
a long discussion.

Well, what did you say to him?

I said, "hey, how's it going?"

And what did he say back?

He said, "good."

Oh, my God. How
could we do this?

How could we have sex
in our friends' bed?

What are we, Mountain people?

What does that mean?

It means it's wrong, ok?

It means nice, young
couples from queens

do not do it in
their friends' bed

with their friends' children

sleeping 10 feet away from them!

I need to make
things clean again.

Come on, what did we
do that was so bad?

W-we're two married,
mature people

engaging in a timeless
dance called love.

Doug, we were on their bed,

doing it in front of
their 5-year-old son.

And thanks to that
mirror over there,

he also got the reverse angle.

First of all, he's
five an d a half,

and he knows what's what.

He's gonna tell
Deacon and Kelly.

That's why they hesitated

because they knew I'd
screw up, and I did.

Why did I let you mount me?

Ow!

First of all, we don't know
what he's gonna tell them.

In fact, look, we don't even
know if he saw us, right?

Right.

Look, tomorrow morning, we'll
get up and we'll feel him out.

You know, we'll see if there's
even a problem at all. Ok?

Ok? Ok.

All right. Come on, let's
get a good night's sleep.

What are you doing?

Hey, sleeping on a sofa bed

is not gonna bring back
that boy's innocence.

All right, sweetie.
Stop moving around,

or I'm gonna get tape
stuck to your little...

Oops, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Honey, I cannot get
this diaper on him.

I've totally lost
my mommy groove.

You talked to what's-his-face?

No. Not yet.

Hey, buddy, what's up?

What's going on there?

Hey, playing with your
little schoolhouse here.

This is fun, huh?

Hey, you know what I'm gonna do?

I'm gonna take this pretty
little teacher here

and, oh, let's go with this
farmer guy right here,

and you tell me if you see
anything that looks familiar.

Howdy, ma'am, my name
is farmer Jones.

Well, hi. I'm Mary Lou...

henner.

Whoops, I slipped.

Well, let me help you
up with my pants off.

Whoops, I slipped, too.

Now we're wrestling up and down.

Hey, Larry flynt, you wanna
tone it down a notch?

Would you give it a try?

All right. You finish
dressing the baby.

All right. You got him? Yes.

Hey, sweetie,

how are you doin'?

Do you, uh, have any
bad dreams last night?

Like maybe, uh,

big scary polar bear

on top of a ballerina?

Anything like that?

I... I got both
legs in one hole.

I don't know what did I do.

All right. All right.

Hey, who wants to play a game?

I wanna play a game.

All right. Here's the game.

What's the worst thing you've
seen in the past 24 hours?

Hey, guys. We're home!

Mommy!

Hey, you're back.

Hi.

Hey, hey, hey, hi!

We caught an early flight so
we could relieve you guys.

These little monsters
treat you ok?

Ok? They were fantastic!

But enough about us. How was the funeral?
You have fun?

Not as much as you'd think.

Yeah, death. Not a
fan of the big "d."

What's going on?
Everything go all right?

Ok. Yeah. Smooth sailing.

We, um, we... we...

Gotta go.

Got to get going. Yes! Yeah.

You don't wanna stick
around, have some coffee?

No. If we're gonna tear
ourselves away from these kids,

it's gotta be quick
like a band-aid.

Yeah. You rip it
right off, it hurts.

But she's off in a jif.
We're outta here.

Yeah. Ok. Bye-bye, guys.

All righty.

Oh, man. If bologna
smelled any better,

I'd wear it.

How can you just
sit there and eat?

Kirby is probably telling
them what we did right now.

Yeah, but look. They-they've been
home for, like, 2 hours now.

If he was gonna say something,

he would've done it already,
wouldn't he have, huh?

Wouldn't he have?
I need a pickle.

He might have. I don't know.

Look, even if he did see us, he
probably forgot about it already.

I mean, do you remember
anything from when you were 5?

No. Not now.

But he's still 5. You
don't forget instantly.

Oh, my God. That's them.

I know it's them. I
can tell by the ring.

It's an angry ring.

Yes.

Oh. You know what? We're not
interested right now. Ok.

Thank you.

Who was it?

Someone selling a subscription

to teen people.

Oh.

Why'd you say we
weren't interested?

You know teen people's
number by heart?

I am not calling teen people,

I am calling Deacon and Kelly.

Oh, come on. Why are
you calling them?

Doug, I... I can't stand this.
I need to know if they know.

Ca-Carrie, if you want this to
go away, then don't pick at it.

Yeah. Let me pick.

Hey, Kel, how you doing?

Yeah, uh, we just wanted to call

and see how the kids were doing.

'Cause we miss them so much.

Mmm-hmm.

Really?

Ok! Well... well, then
we'll see you there.

Ok. Bye-bye.

They want to take us
to dinner tonight.

To thank us.

Hey! There you go.

You don't take perverts
to dinner, right?

I know I don't.

See that? It all
worked out fine.

He saw us. He didn't see us.

It doesn't matter. He kept
his little trap shut.

And then this one says,

"my shirt's dirty.

We need to put it in the
whooshing machine."

See, he meant to say
washing machine.

He didn't say that though.
He's hilarious. Hilarious.

Hey, buddy, want some
more of my ice cream?

Uh, you guys have been
generous with your desserts,

but I think he's had enough.

Oh, he deserves it, just for
being so cute and yummy.

He's not so cute
when he's vomiting.

Ok.

Hey, what you drawing
there, kirb?

A picture of Doug and Carrie.

Oh, isn't that sweet? Love him.

And what they were
doing last night.

Oh, uh, we don't really
need another picture.

Yeah. You know, we got
pictures up the butt.

You know what I'm sayin'?

We do.

Yeah, but not from my child.

He signs and numbers each one.

Hey, bet you can't do
an outline of my hand.

I don't want to.

Go ahead, try it. Do it.
Color it in red.

Make a little Turkey out of it.
Gobble, gobble.

Would you let the boy
draw his picture, man?

All right. All right.

I heard drawing makes you gay.

What?

It's true. It happened
to my friend bill.

Hey, you guys have been acting
very weird since we got back.

What's the deal?

All right, then. The...

T-the truth is, uh,

we have something to tell you,

and, uh, this is
difficult for us.

He makes things up.

It-it's true, like his drawings,

uh, for instance.

Usually they're like the...

The opposite of what
actually happened.

Done, mommy.

We're gonna take this.

So I'm guessing this
wouldn't be appropriate

to hang on our fridge.

I wouldn't mind.

You'll notice he was
very generous with me.

I noticed.

Ouch.