03x09 - Step By Stepsister

[bunniefuu]

Morning, sunshine. I got us muffins.

- I can't do breakfast.
- Oh, don't worry.

I mashed one up and put
it in a coffee cup for you

so no one'll know you're eating carbs.

It's not that. Mavis just told me

that I have a parent/teacher
conference this morning.

Apparently, it's a mom

who wants to meet just...'cause?

I can do the conference for you.

I can be you. [SNOOTY] Hi, I'm Ms. Snap.

The only food I eat is Diet Pepsi.

Yeah... I'm good.

And I assure you, I can handle
any mom in that room.

I'm just gonna politely explain to her

that whatever the problem is,

it's because her kid's an idiot.

Mom?!

Hi!

[ROCK MUSIC]

What are you doing here?

I haven't seen or heard from you

in, like, six years.

Huh. It only felt like two.

[LAUGHING]

Oh, do we have to send out
a missing persons report

- for your sense of humor?
- I guess I lost it

when you stopped calling on my birthday.

Ugh. You know I don't
celebrate the aging process.

Anyway, I'm here because

I got married! Yeah!

Now, before you go getting
your thong in a wad

about not being invited,

it was a really small ceremony.

About people.

Whatever. Once you've been to four of
your weddings, you've been to them all.

Well, Bob, my husband,

has a daughter named Stephanie,

and she's in your class.
Can you believe it?

I'm a mom!

You've been a mom for years.

I know, but now I really feel like one.

And I wanna get involved
with Stephie's education

as much as possible... room parent,

field trips, chaperone... all of it.

You never did any
of this for me growing up.

You never stirred my maternal instincts.

No offense.

- Offense taken!
- No, you can't do that.

- I said no offense.
- Damn.

Come to dinner tonight.

Meet Bob and spend some more
time with Stephanie.

Wait... is this a trap?

No. I really want you to come.

By the way, you look terrific, honey.

I actually like you with thicker calves.

Yeah!

[DRAMATIC STING]

Hey, Deb! Two more acts signed up

for the talent show.
This is gonna be a hoot.

We'll be the best MCs
Fillmore's ever seen.

Yeah. It's gonna be good.

I haven't been in a talent show

since my band,
Orifice and the Sphincters,

got kicked out for
sexually explicit lyrics.

I'm excited. I'm gonna
create an act for students

who do not have what our society

narrowly defines as "artistic aptitude."

So their talent for the talent show

is not having any talent?

- Mm-hmm!
- Ugh! I'm out of foundation,

and I still have Kevin James calves.

- Is everything okay, Chelsea?
- No.

My mom is back.

Oh, wow! Meeting your mom...

this is a huge step for us.

Our relationship is progressing.

Do you think she'll like me?

You're not gonna meet her.
She's too busy

with her new stepdaughter
who, bee-tee-dubs,

is my student, Stephanie Harris.

Stephanie is your stepsister?

She just signed up for the talent show.

- What is she doing?
- A mother/daughter act.

Are you serious? This is the woman

who left me floating
on an inflatable pizza

in Lake Michigan so she could go tan.

I washed ashore in Gary. Gary!

[TAPPING SOUNDS]

Caroline and Toby reporting
for talent show sign-ups.

Can you guess what we're doing?

An act where you saw each other in half

but it's not magic, and you both die?

No, silly. We're the...

BOTH: Traveling Time Steps!

We've been taking couples' tap lessons.

And we're so excited
about performing in the show.

[SQUEALS] We're in, we're in!

And... slide!

- BOTH: Slide!
- I don't care what anyone says.

Those two are related.

Welcome, everyone. You're here because

you think you don't have a talent.

But talent is just a passion expressed.

So what are you passionate about?

Snakes.

Pretzels.

Okay! Um...

those are both valid.

But what are some
important issues of the day

that you care about?

For instance...

our Earth is dying a brutal death.

The Earth is dying?

Yes, Sandy, I agree!

Let's use this opportunity

to raise awareness for global warming.

What's global warming?

Exactly, Marty!

That's the question we need to answer!

I can see it now... a bare stage

except for a giant
three-dimensional Earth

behind us... as we all sing about

our imminent death.

Wait... hold!

Sugar! Did I drop my smile again?

No! But your time step needs a time stop

until our moves are in sync.

Well, maybe if we did
the "Shuffle Off to Buffalo"

like I suggested, I'd keep up better.

"Shuffle Off to Buffalo"?

What is this, amateur hour?

Why do you get to make
all the decisions?

This is just like when we tried
to redecorate the bathroom.

We don't need guest towels.

- I like to entertain.
- We live in a studio!

You have to let me
take charge sometimes!

Okay.

Good. I'll start now. Take five.

"Take five"?

What? That's how they
take a break in show biz.

[ROCK MUSIC]

[GIGGLES]

Remind me... how is it
you know Tanya again?

I'm her daughter.

That's right. That's what it was.

Okay, party people,

Tanya's famous meatloaf
is ready for take-off.

Wait... you made dinner?

- Yeah.
- Mom's a great cook.

- Ohh...
- How nice.

I grew up thinking
all food came out of a can.

- Well...
- Okay, well...

Oh! Seriously?

You can't diet slap me anymore.

In this family, we wait
until we say grace.

Pass.

You know, this reminds me of that time

we all went camping to Lake...

- ALL: Shelbyville!
- [LAUGHTER]

Yes! And then we went
to that bizarre diner

- and had the meatloaf special.
- Oh, that's right.

- [LAUGHTER]
- That was fun.

[LAUGHING]

[LAUGH FADES]

It sounds funny.

Mom, look, I made
a smiley face with my meatloaf!

Look at that! My gal is so creative!

[STRAINED LAUGH]

Look! I made one too.

Hi!

Stop it, Chelsea. You're .

You'd never say Stephanie's
age with such disgust.

I would if she was playing with her food

when she was almost middle-aged.

Okay. I don't have to
sit here and take this.

I gave up "RuPaul's
Drag Race" to be here,

and this is the last day
of my free trial on Hulu,

and now I have to buy a subscription!

[EXHALES] Sashay away!

[ROCK MUSIC]

So the criminal justice system

provides for the detection, detainment,

and punishment of criminals.

And, if your cheeks look like
God personally chiseled them,

after your release,
you get to be a model

and date the heiress of "Topshop."

Any questions?

No, thanks.

Ugh. If Mom was here,
she'd make you call on me.

Well, Mom's not here, is she?

[SCOFFS] Take out your workbooks.

Hey, you can't just take my stuff!

You have to ask to borrow it.

- Can I borrow it?
- No.

[GASPS] Uh-uh.

It's mine! No! You have to share!

- Stop!
- You stop!

Give it to me!

Now you broke it! I'm telling Mom!

What a tattletale, am I right?

Ms. Cannon, I have to
drop out of the show

'cause of soccer practice.

So you're choosing
an inconsequential sport

over the survival of our planet?

I don't know. I just go every Thursday.

Fine. Go.

Listen up, people.

The work we're doing here matters,

but we're not going to achieve our goals

unless we're % committed.

So I need you to take a moment right now

to look inside yourself and decide,

"Am I all in?" 'Cause if you're not,

- there's the door!
- [EPIC MUSIC]

[MUSIC STOPS]

Okay. Well, Sandy,

Marty, let's finish
papier-macheing the Earth.

There you are, Care Bear.

[TAPPING]

Guess what.

Since we've had such a hard time

getting the act in shape,
I've taken the bull

by the horns and booked us
a practice show for today.

Did you check on the space?
Did you send them a rider?

We don't even have
our new character shoes!

Caroline, I've taken care of everything.

Okay. You're in charge.

No more questions.

My lips are sealed.

Hey, you can't just barge into my room!

Have you ever heard of knocking?

Oh, why, are you making a
Ken doll go down on you again?

You swore we'd never speak of that.

Well, too bad!

Stephanie said that you
were mean to her.

What can I say? She's weak.

Like it or not, you are
a part of this family,

and we are going to work it out.

How are we supposed to work it out?

I want you to come over
for a sleepover tonight.

Really? A girls' night?

That sounds cool. I might... be there.

I will be there.

Bye, Mom.

Bye, honey.

I like your pants.

We probably should have
measured the door

before we started.

You know what? Nothing's gonna stop us.

[SLASHING AND GRUNTING]

That's actually a great metaphor.

[CRUNCHING]

- [KNOCKING] Hi! Ho!
- Hey, ho.

Why didn't you tell me
we were dressing up?

I could have worn my mermaid hair.

- Ready, babe?
- Yeah.

[GIGGLES]

Are you guys leaving?

Yeah. We're going to see
a Def Leppard cover band.

They're very accurate.
Their drummer only has

- one arm too.
- Yeah.

But what about girls' night?

Well, girls' night

- is for you and Steph, silly!
- Adios!

This is my room.

Do you seriously have every Adora Doll?

Cottontail, Hearts Aflutter.

Shut up! Sweet Cheeks?

This is everything I wanted
before I discovered guys.

Our mom got 'em for me.

Did you have to be a certain weight?

- No.
- Ugh! It's not fair!

She was never there for me
the way she's there for you.

I don't get it! [CRYING]

I know how you feel.

My real mom wasn't around much either.

But now that Tanya's here,

it's like I know how
a real mom's supposed to act.

I wish I did.

If it makes you feel any better,

my dad's a serial cheater

and will probably break our mom's heart.

That does help. Thank you.

[CRYING]

Ohh...

I'm sorry I was so mean to you in class.

You did not deserve that.

You're actually pretty cool
for a little sister.

Thanks. I think you're really cool.

I am.

So, two cool chicks
with the house to themselves.

You thinkin' what I'm thinkin'?

Let's get lit!

♪ Up top, body sh*ts ♪

♪ Sand in some weird spots ♪

♪ Can't come film them ♪

♪ 'Cause we're living the dream ♪

♪ No, I'm not asleep, I'm good ♪

♪ And living the dream ♪

This is why I never let you take charge.

It was a mistake, Caroline.

Try catastrophe!
Your shoes have a matte finish,

and mine are patent leather!
Our feet are storytellers,

and now they're telling
two different stories!

I really don't think
it's that big of a deal.

You're right. It pales in comparison

to the fact that we'll be

tapping on carpet!

And-a one, and-a two,

and-a you know what to do.

Click, clack,
click, clack, clickety-clack,

boom-boom! Stop making noises.

Click, click, click, click.

- Click, click, click.
- Don't you dare

- make noises for my solo!
- And click and clack.

Click, click, click, click,

clickety-clack. Click, click,

- clickety-clack.
- Okay, stop!

- Stop it!
- Click, click, click.

- Uh-oh.
- You just humiliated me

at the biggest venue
we've ever performed at.

That's it! I'm done!

Click, click, click,
click, click, click...

Stop it!

Did you freeze my good water bra?

[LAUGHING]

- No.
- Well, it burst in the freezer.

Now what am I supposed to
wear to church?

Relax. It was a prank.

Sorry, Mom.

No. This is all you, Chelsea.

You are a horrible influence.

Stephanie never would
have done this without you.

Oh, you're such a disappointment.

[INSISTENT BEEPING]

Ugh. I hate Amber Alerts.

What do they want me to do,
put on a cape

and go find the kid?

Maybe we shouldn't have pranked Mom.

Yeah. She was really mad.

I've never seen her
forehead move before.

[SIRENS WHOOPING]

Crap.

Haven't paid parking
tickets in ten years.

How much do I owe? I'll Venmo you.

- Hands up!
- Aah!

Aah!

Your vehicle's the subject
of an Amber Alert.

We're placing you under
arrest for kidnapping.

What? She's my stepsister!

I'm gonna read you your Miranda rights.

Well, I'm Chelsea, not Miranda,

so why would you read me her rights?

♪ ♪

Thank you so much for finding them.

I'm sorry about the false alarm.

[GIGGLES]

I can't believe you did that.

You got what you deserved.

- You are unbelievable!
- Yeah.

My whole life, all I've ever done

is try to make you happy.

But it's never enough.

I celebrated my tenth birthday

five years in a row
so you wouldn't feel old.

Not enough.

I slept in the yard
when you brought guys home

because you said having
a kid in the house

made them uncomfortable.

Not enough!

I broke up with my college boyfriend

because you guys had chemistry!

Not enough!
Then I even bond with Stephanie

who you're doing all this stuff for

that you never did for me.

Why am I not enough?

I don't know what to say.

You don't have to say anything.

I never wanna see you again.

W-wh... Wait, no! Chelsea!

Wait. I know I was a terrible mom.

So when Stephanie came along,

I just figured this
maybe my chance to...

get it right?

But you should know
that I'm very proud of you.

I mean, look at you.

You're a smart, successful,

skinny teacher,

and you did it all on your own.

Oh, my God.

Did you just call me skinny?

Like Nicole Richie.

I love you, Mom.

I love you, Chels.

[TEARFUL LAUGHING] Oh!

- [VIOLIN END NOTES]
- [APPLAUSE]

I hate playing violin.

Oh! [LAUGHING]

Well, that was a quick act, folks.

I thought he might string us along.

I'm glad he didn't. People
might have gotten violin... t.

Hold for laughs.

[LOW MURMURING]

Okay! Without further ado,

please welcome to the stage

The Traveling Time Steps!

- There's only one now.
- What? There's...

- The Traveling Time...
- BOTH: Step!

[LIGHT PIANO]

[TAPPING]

♪ ♪

[DISTANT TAPPING]

[PIANO STARTS AGAIN]

♪ ♪

[MOUTHING] Sorry.

♪ ♪

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

♪ ♪

CROWD: Oh!

♪ ♪

That was top notch.

I'll bet I know what those guys drank.

What's that?

Tap water.

[UNDER BREATH] Make eye
contact with the audience...

Next up, Ms. Cannon and two students.

[APPLAUSE]

[LIGHT PIANO]

♪ Earth is our mother ♪

♪ She gave us life ♪

♪ Listen to our song ♪

♪ And save her from strife ♪

- [HARD ROCK CHORDS]
- ♪ Mankind is murdering ♪

♪ The Earth! ♪

♪ Methane, water vapor, carbon dioxide ♪

♪ It warms our planet ♪

ALL: ♪ Kills her from the inside ♪

♪ What is true,
through all this clatter ♪

♪ Does anyone care about
Black Lives Matter? ♪

We're all gonna die!

- [SCATTERED CLAPPING]
- Wow. Global warming?

Someone call Nelly, 'cause
it' getting hot in hurrr.

Okay, for our final act,

please welcome Tanya Harris
and her two daughters.

♪ Walk, na-na na-na na-na ♪

♪ Na-na na-na na-na ♪

♪ The runway walk ♪

♪ Na-na na-na na-na na-na ♪

♪ Na-na na-na na-na na-na,
the runway walk ♪

♪ Let me see your runway walk ♪

♪ Make your heels click,
make the runway talk ♪

♪ Come on, pretty women
taking pictures ♪

♪ They never come outside
until they look vicious ♪

Oh! Oh... Chelsea, look out!

Oh!

Oh...

AUDIENCE: Oh!

[CHELSEA MOANS]

Thanks for doing the show with me.

Of course.

I'm sorry for quitting
The Traveling Time Steps.

And you were right about
the "Shuffle Off to Buffalo."

It is not an amateur move.

What's wrong?

Listen, Care Bear,

you mean the world to me,

but I think we both know
this isn't working.

Toblerone, are you breaking up with me?

[SOMBER MUSIC]

I know we've been fighting a lot,

but I'm not myself. I'm worried about

my financial situation...

It's not just you. It's me too.

I think we're both having a hard time

accommodating each other.

I'll stop watching
"The Property Brothers."

I don't even find them that attractive.

I'm a man, Caroline, but I have eyes.

Those two are Greek gods,
and you and I both know it.

Yeah.

So is this really it?

I think it is.

[SOMBER MUSIC]

Uh... we carpooled this morning.

Can I still get a ride?

Uh... I think it's probably
best if you get a Lyft.

Okay.