04x03 - Mean Streak

[bunniefuu]

Hey, big man. How was work?

What's this?

My company newsletter.

I.P. Yes.

You might want to give
it a little gander.

Oh, honey, do I have
to read it now?

Usually I like to draw a bath
and light some candles first.

Right here. Read.

"Queens driver closes
in on record." You?

Read!

"For over 18 years,

"driver Iggy stenkowski,
now retired,

"has held what many considered
to be an unbreakable record:

"An astounding 951

consecutive delivery
days without incident."

No breakages, late deliveries,
or customer complaints.

Ah! Ok.

"But apparently, one man is
unintimidated by this record."

"Queens driver Doug Hef..."

"Fernan...

"Has currently 946 straight
incident-free days,

"and is due to surpass
Iggy's record

on the 18th of this month."

Wow!

So? Still think I'm a
miserable failure?

Not as much now.

Congratulations, honey.
That is great.

What are you... no!
What are you doing?

You don't kiss a guy
goin' for a record.

You'll jinx me.

I'm sorry.

Jeez, Louise!

Would you've kissed Mark McGwire

before he broke his record?

Then or any other time.

So, what do you get if
you break the record,

a pile of money?

They bronze your shorts?

You laugh, but it
just so happens

that I get a plaque on the wall

right where Iggy's is now.

Oh, yeah? Where's that?

On the wall next to the lockers.
You've seen it. No, I haven't.

You have.

It's between the soda machine
and the forklift safety tips.

Oh!

It really draws your
eye, doesn't it?

Hi.

Good evening, all.

Hi! Hi, Holly. Hi, dad.
How was your walk?

Splendid.

So, I see she's got you
off-leash now, Arthur, huh?

Douglas, this young lady

may be a professional dogwalker,

but she does not walk me.

She's simply my
friend and companion.

Sorry.

Can I have my $10 now?

Yeah.

Oh, Arthur, could we change

our Thursday walk to
Fridays from now on?

Because scooter really
needs Thursdays.

Sure. Scooter's a good egg.
Happy to work around him.

Great. So I will see you Friday at 2:00.
Ok. Bye, guys.

Bye. See ya.

Bye, Holly.

Bye, ranger.

Cocoa, stay off that paw.

Dad, I'm ordering in tonight.

Do you wanna nap until
the food comes?

Actually, I was hoping you and I

might get in a game
or 2 of scrabble.

The tournament at
the seniors' center

starts next week, you know.

I told you I am not playing
in that tournament with you.

You said you'd think it over.

No. My exact words were,
"not even at gunpoint."

I'm shocked at your
reaction to this, darling.

When you were a teenager,

we had such fun in
those tournaments.

Fun? It was hell. It was heaven.

Hell! Heaven!

No, it wasn't!

Dad, it was like every
word on the scrabble board

would remind you of
some ridiculous story.

Then I'd lose my temper,
we'd have a huge fight,

and we wouldn't talk for days.

It's called bonding.

I'm not playing.

Fine. Then I'll just head
downstairs till dinner.

I could use a good cry.

Read it one more time.

Oy.

Hey, Doug. Doing a little piece

on your streak for the I.P.S.
Website.

You got a minute? Yeah, sure.

So, you're 3 days away from
breaking Iggy's record.

You feeling ok?

Well, the truth is,

I'm not really thinking
about the record.

You know, I'm just taking
it one package at a time.

You see, it's not...
It's not about me.

It's really about what's best
for the company, the team.

There is no "I" in I.P.S. Um...

Actually, there is,
right in the beginning.

Clean that up for
me, would you, Tim?

Yeah. You got it.

The thing about records
is they come and they...

Got all I need. Thanks.

Ok.

Lenny, do me a favor and
toss me a packet of sugar?

Me? Nah. I'm not the
perfect delivery man,

you are, Heffernan.
I might damage it.

Better get your own sugar.

Yeah. And you might wanna
give sweet 'n' low a sh*t.

Pretty happy with yourself, huh?

Uh, uh, no. Not... N-not really.

I never even heard of
you till yesterday.

Really? We're 3 lockers apart.

Come on, Duke. Let's get a beer.

What the hell's up
with these guys?

I don't know.

The old-timers, man. They
think they own the place.

Yeah, I guess. Catch you later.

Hey, don't worry about
those guys, Heffernan.

They're probably
just upset because

they used to drive with Iggy.

You know, back in the
day when this place

could barely keep its doors
open from one day to the next.

Maybe they're just remembering

how a guy like Iggy used
to have to scrounge

for spare parts in the junkyard

in order to keep
his truck moving

when it wanted to
roll over and die.

Maybe they're... maybe they're

remembering the look
on people's faces

when they'd open up
their front doors

see one of our drivers in
their strange little shorts,

and they'd say, "you're
not the mailman."

And a guy like Iggy would
muster up a smile,

even though he'd been working a
12-hour shift in a blizzard.

Or maybe they remember that
sadistic little midget

that used to run this joint.

And how he was ready to
fire a young driver named

Patrick O'Boyle.

Just because he double-parked
in front of an E.R.

And how Iggy just marched
right into that office,

and he said, "you give
that kid another chance."

Maybe they're just remembering
that that's the kind of guy

that Iggy was.

Maybe that's why
they're upset, Doug.

Typist. 18 points.

Oh, good one. Ok, my turn.

Funny story. Did you know

I once worked as a typist
for mayor Abe beame?

No.

Hey, guys.

Hi!

What's going on, a
little scrabble action?

Yeah. Your dad asked me to
play in a tournament with him.

Can you believe it?

Gee! Well, that's great!

Good for you!

Yeah. I was so touched.

I mean, the last time I
played a board game,

it was candyland,
and I sucked at it.

Which is weird because
I love candy.

Well, whatever. Whatever.

The point is you're together playing.
God bless.

We're in the middle of a game.
Do you mind?

Sorry.

Anyway, back to my story.

Mayor beame was a tiny man,

and part of my job
involved lifting him up

so he could look out the window.

Hey, Deac'. Grabbing lunch?

Uh, yeah. I'm heading
over to Charlie's.

Why, you wanna come?

No. I'm taking my time
with these babies.

Right. Hey, do me a favor.

Bring me back a cheese steak
with, uh, extra green peppers.

I'm not doing that, man.

Why not?

Because Charlie gets an attitude

when you ask for extra stuff.

I don't wanna get on his bad
side over your sandwich.

But you always ask
him for no onions.

Yeah. No onions. You see,
that's onions he gets to keep.

Extra peppers are peppers he loses.
Don't you know math?

Fine. All right.
Well, help me out

so I can go with you, all right?
Right there.

Fine. Here.

Gee, guy. Are you nuts, man?

I got a streak going.

Oh, right. You have a
streak going, don't you?

Just like I had a streak
going when you tossed me

that package of crystalware
on December 17, 1998.

What?

That's right. See, I had
681 days, no incidents...

Then, bam! Back to zero!

Oh, my God! You... you
caught that box, remember?

Then you slipped in
a grease puddle.

Yeah, I slipped because I
was startled by the toss.

You winged that thing
at my head, brother.

It was a gentle lob!
And besides,

you wouldn't have gotten
the record anyway

'cause you've had at
least 10 incidents.

Yeah, because once
the streak ended,

it was hard for me to
care in the same way.

Something d*ed in
me that day, man.

You know what? I'm
outta here, man.

Aw, Deac', I... Come on, Deac'.
Come back.

Hey, Doug. One more
quest for the website.

Would you leave me alone? I don't feel
like talking to the media right now.

Radio.

10 points.

Oh! Good one! Ok. My turn.

Can I help you?

Oh, no. I'm just here
to pick up my father.

I-I'll just wait here.
Thank you.

Know why I chose
the word "radio"?

True story.

You're looking at the 42nd
infantry's top radioman

during the battle of the bulge.

I didn't start out in
communications, mind you,

but the commander
of the 42nd noticed

I was very good
with tiny knobs...

That's when I learned that
making personal calls

in the heat of battle
can cost lives.

Oh, what a funny story.
I love this guy.

And I came up with the
word "fix" for 26 points.

Bravo! Bravo!

Thank you. Thank you.

I have to go to the little girls' room.
Excuse me.

Oh, hi, Carrie!

Oh, my gosh. Is it 4:00 already?

It feels like we just
started playing.

Yep, it's 4:00. You're free.

Listen, don't forget
to, uh, write down

all the hours you've
been doing this

so we know how much to pay you.

Pay me? No.

Yeah. I mean, are
you kidding me?

I should be paying you double.

I used to play
scrabble with the guy.

I know it can be brutal.

You know what I'm saying.

Carrie, I could never
accept money for this.

I mean, I love playing
with your dad.

Really?

Yeah! He's so sweet and...
and funny...

And just... just a
joy to be with.

Really?

And at no point have you wanted

to put a letter opener
through your eye?

No. No. But I'll
watch out for that.

Excuse me.

Oh, it's coming.

Roger maris.

You named your hand Roger maris?

No. Hair. My hair's falling out.

Just like his did when he
was chasing after the babe.

Well, whatever you do,
don't go spraying.

It's the stress, Carrie.

From the stupid streak.

The old guys, they hate me now

'cause I might break Iggy's record.
You believe that?

And... and Deacon, 3 years
ago, I lobbed him a package,

and all of a sudden, I'm
stealing the record from him.

I'll tell ya, I...
I am losing it.

You know, I can't sleep.
I... I can't eat.

Well, I can eat,
but not as fast.

I don't know, maybe I should

just break a package on purpose

and be done with all this.

Are you even listening to me?

Yeah. Yeah, y-y-you
can eat fast.

I'm talking about my streak.

Well, I'm sorry, Doug.

I have my mind on my
own problem right now,

which... which, no offense,
is a little more important.

What is it?

Holly is not charging us

to play scrabble with my
father because, get this,

she enjoys it.

That's more important?

Yes! She enjoys his stories

and his jokes and... and him!

She enjoys him!

After all these years,

I thought my dad was the
problem in our relationship,

but now I'm wondering, is it me?

Is he a great guy to be around,

and I just don't get it?

You know what? That's a problem,

but not a huge problem.
I have a huge problem.

Not huge.

I'm going for a delivery record

that I don't even
know if I want.

I may not love my father!

So? You and your father are
both gonna die someday.

There'll be no record
of either of you.

That plaque near the
soda machine is forever!

Ok. How 'bout this?

You listen to me for 5 minutes,

and I will listen to
you for 5 minutes, ok?

All right. Ok. Fine.

All right, here's the question.

Am I a bad daughter?

Should I be more patient
and tolerant of my father?

I mean, because I
try, but he always...

You're not listening
to me, are you?

Sorry. I drifted off.
Can we do me first?

I can focus better on you
if I know I'm already done.

No! No! If we do you first,

then you won't have any
reason to listen to me.

Yeah, well, we've arrived at
quite a stalemate, haven't we?

Yes, we have, which
is really stupid,

because my problem is
more important anyway!

You know what? You
are a bad daughter.

Your father is awesome!

Really? Well, Iggy was 10
times the driver you are.

Why do we do this to each other?

I don't know.

Oh! Good! Holly.

Hi, Carrie. Your dad just
went down for a nap.

He and ranger were
chasing each other

around the park all afternoon.

Great. Um, do you...
do you have a sec?

Oh, sure.

Here. Sit. Sit. Ok.

You fellas are
welcome to sit, too.

That's what you dogs do.

You sit. You sit. That's what you do.
You sit.

So what's up?

Yeah, um, it's about the
scrabble tournament tomorrow.

You, uh... There's
one more day, right?

Yeah. The... the final
round is tomorrow. Oh!

Oh! Listen, um, it's
been so nice of you

to play with my dad in that.

Really, so nice. But
I-I-I've been thinking.

I don't want to impose
on you anymore,

so I'll just play
with my dad tomorrow.

Oh, Carrie, no, no, no, no.
It's fine, really.

I don't mind. I'll keep playing.

Oh, listen to you.

You are so great.

But no, I'll do it.
It's all right.

Oh, no. It's so easy for me.

I mean, I really love
spending time with Arthur.

Hello? Daughter. Can't
get enough of the guy.

Oh, no, it's just...
Ok, it's just...

You said that playing scrabble
with him was brutal. I was...

What are you getting at, hol',
that I don't love my father?

Oh, no. You misunderstood me.
I... I was...

Oh, ok. So now I don't
have the ability

to understand or to love.
Wow! Ok.

No! Carrie, that's not...

Listen, listen.

I'm his daughter, ok? And I...
I love him,

so I'm just gonna play in the
tournament with him, ok?

So thank you. Have a nice day.
And I love him.

I'm not the perfect driver
you are, Heffernan.

Pretty happy with yourself, huh?

That's the kind of guy Iggy was.

I had 681 days, no incidents.

I'm sorry, sir, but we're
out of the honey-baked ham.

Oh! My Christmas
ornaments have arrived!

Young man, are you all right?

Wait. What...

What was I thinking?

This isn't about me
and my stupid record,

it's about you.

You!

Florence merriweather.

You're the reason
we do all this.

You know, I'm gonna break
that damn record tomorrow,

and I'm gonna do it for you!

This is yours. Just
need you to sign now.

Hey! Hey.

Hello? Anybody up there?

Yeah.

I.P.S. Got a package you.

So?

Well, they just
painted the stairs.

Could you meet me at
the front entrance?

Nah. That's way round on the
other side of the building.

Just toss it up to me.

It's fluorescent light bulbs.

Well, they ain't mine.

Just toss it up.

I... I... I really
don't want to do that.

Listen, douche, are
you gonna toss it up,

or am I gonna have to
call your supervisor?

That was the day I decided I
would never wear another...

Ascot.

Yeah.

Great story, dad.

Thank you.

This guy is something,
huh, my pop?

Love him. I am
lovin' me some pop.

Ok. Here's my word.

Pus.

11 points.

Pus, huh. Good word.

Ok.

My turn.

Pus.

Pus.

Pus.

Pus.

Funny story about pus.

Shut up!

Thanks for a great tournament.

Yeah? Well, same to you, pal.

So, we playing again next year?

I'll be there.

Wonder where Heffernan is.

I don't know. He should've
clocked in by now.

No incidents.

Sandwich truck.

Hey, what's up? What's going on?

New soda machine. Old one broke.