03x10 - Vanity Unfair

[bunniefuu]

Elbows up.

Hand out.

Finish up.

You guys are never,
ever in a million years

gonna believe what happened
to me at the mall today.

You flashed your thong
to the guy at the food court,

and he gave you
a free sodie pop.

And...

A total stranger came
up to me out of the blue

and asked me to
audition for a commercial.

It's so good to be me.

Honey, you have to clear
that kind of stuff with me first.

So, what kind of
commercial is it?

Well, it's for a sports car. I
would be one of the models.

Why would you want to demean
yourself by doing that anyway?

I don't have to tell you why
I want to demean myself!

I'm not sure I like
the idea of you

being sprawled out on
the hood of some car.

It's better than the back seat.

Dude, that's exactly
what I was thinking.

But I had the good
mind not to say it.

You know, I don't understand.

For over years
women have been fighting

to be heard and not seen, and
now we finally have a voice --

Not now, sweetie. Don't
worry about it, Cate.

When I designed cars, I went
to all the commercial sh**t.

-They weren't trashy.
-Yeah, grandpa's right.

All I have to do is point
at a car like 'Vanna White'

and say stuff like it has
a 'V-something engine',

'Rear suspended stuff',
'Air baggies', whatever.

And then there is
the slightest chance

she might not get the job.

Good one, grandpa.

You know, honey, they
look at hundreds of girls.

Though you are very
special, there's no guarantee.

Good one, mom.

Well, I was gonna stay
out of this, aunt Cate,

but if you want, I'll
take her under my wing.

You?

I don't know if you
know this little tidbit,

but I was in quite a
few commercials myself.

I knew it! You were 'the
leprechaun' in the toilet bowl.

Dude, the 'leprechaun' was
in the cereal, remember?

The little sailor
man was in the toilet.

The point is, I was
a 'Top Child Model'

one of the best in the biz.

Oh, right; You, a model?

I don't have to
defend myself to you.

I was there. You weren't.

Oh, I had it all

Champagne, caviar--
-Didn't you say you were a child model?

...apple cider, jelly
beans. Oh, I had the life!

Let me tell you
something, missy

You think it's all
glitz and glamour?

Oh, no; You're wrong.

It's a dirty, filthy,
cutthroat business.

One minute, "You're
pretty, great hair."

The next minute,
"You suck!! Split ends!!"

One lesson to be learned

You got to have thick skin.

So, where's your
career now, 'Big sh*t'?

In the toilet with
'The little sailor man'.

Heidi Klum?

Is that you?

I met you at 'The Grammys'
a couple years ago

Is that not you?

Knock it off.

How many times can
you get sh*t down?

-It's like a record.
-No, it's not a record.

Listen, I'm here
for moral support

and spiritual support.

Gisele?

O.M- Are you at the old number?

-Who's next?
-Bridget Hennessy.

-Oh, that's me.
-Yes. It's "Brigittè".

Come on in, 'Brigittè'.

You pretty thing,

Why are you all
cramped behind that desk

when you should be out here
with the rest of the pretty models?

It's men like you who make
me want to consider women.

Oh, okay. Now it's a record.

Well, that was quick.
What happened?

He just said I wasn't
what they're looking for.

He didn't even let
me read any car stuff.

He doesn't know
who he's dealing with.

Have a seat.

This may take a while.

-Oh.
-Well, what did he say?

He said you didn't
have the right look.

I don't have the right
look? He didn't get specific?

Yeah; He also
said I have no butt.

-And?
-And split ends.

What'd he say about me?

Take me home.

-Bridget; Get down here!
-No, I'm hideous!

All the guys said was she
didn't have the right look.

No.Now she's convinced one
earlobe is bigger than the other.

This is why I didn't want her
to audition in the first place.

Imagine Bridget
obsessing about her looks.

You know, you people
wouldn't understand.

To us models, our appearance
is a very sensitive issue.

Now, do I or do I not
have junk in the trunk?

[Bridget:] Okay, everyone,
cover your eyes.

Here comes the 'Freak show'.

Your earlobe is fine.

Aah, it's alive!!

Rory!

I have a bowling ball
at the end of my ear,

and my belly button
hangs too low,

and my eyes are
too close together.

That is ridiculous. You
have beautiful eyes.

No, they're abnormally
close together.

-Where's the ruler?
-Try Rory's room.

I-I-I don't have it.
Why would I have it?

An inch! Look at this!
They're like an inch apart.

Bridget; I don't know why I'm
trying to make you feel better,

but an inch is probably average.

Ooh; That should make
you feel better, too, Rory.

Yeah, well, I'm
not average, okay?

I've never been
average. I'm a freak.

I'm a big-lobed, narrow-eyed,
droopy-belly-buttoned freak!

But certainly not average.

Oh, I hate this.

They have now turned
a beautiful, confident girl

into a hysterical,
dysfunctional mess!

Throw in an eating disorder,
and she could be a model.

Dad, where are you going?

I'm going down to
that modeling agency

and give them a
piece of my mind.

Are you sure? You
got so few pieces left.

Look, dad, leave it alone.

It's done. Just
let her get over it.

No, they made my
granddaughter cry,

and I'm not gonna stand for it.

If that makes me old-fashioned,

I don't give a horse's patoot.

No, saying "Horse's patoot"
makes you old-fashioned.

Well, how about this, Sonny boy?

I don't give a rat's ass!

It's better. But lose
the "Sonny boy."

Excuse me, you
can't go in there.

-The hell I can't.
-The hell he can't.

By the way, I'm still single.

Sir, I'd like a word with you.

Sir, he'd like a word with you.

Whoa!

You're not the guy who was
here before. Who are you?

Jim? Jim Egan?

Jackie; Is that you?, or are
my eyes playing tricks on me?

It wouldn't be the
first time, 'Magoo'.

Put your glasses on.

-Oh, my God!
-Oh, my God!

Look at you, Jim. Oh...

Just as handsome
as the first day we met.

And you still a 'Bombshell'.

You 'dog'. You get with that?

If by "get with that" you
mean what I think you mean,

we got plenty.

Come around there
and give me a hug!

Oh, baby!

Okay...

Long hug...

Awkward...

I'm still in the room.

And I'm creeped out!

Look at this. It's
getting worse.

I have giant feet.

If I had Kerry's red
hair, I could be a clown.

[Kerry] I heard that.

It's almost like she's
got your giant ears.

[Kerry] Mom, I heard that, too.

I'm kidding.

I'm just trying to point out
how ridiculous you're being.

Bridget, you know

you are one of the
prettiest girls at school.

The prettiest.

So, you don't think I'm
completely deformed?

No, and neither did you
till you went down there

and let some total
stranger judge you.

You're right.

I'm just gonna forget about
these stupid model people.

They can take their
commercial and stick it.

Bridget, I got you
another audition.

I'm back!!!

Well, what happened?

The head of the modeling agency

is coming over to
take a look at her.

Oh, grandpa, thank
you, thank you, thank you.

And somebody said I
shouldn't go down there.

Now, how did you manage that?

Apparently, he
and the model babe

had a little fling
back in the day.

-Really?
-I know, gross, right?

Come on! It was years ago.

About the same
time as your last date.

Anyway, she's coming over
here tonight to see Bridget,

and then we're
going out to dinner.

Tonight? Oh, my God,
grandpa. You are the best!

I don't know what
I'm gonna wear.

Dad, you actually dated the
owner of a modeling agency?

Well, back then she was
just a smoking-hot model,

and we did more than date.

We --
-All right, I'm out.

Well, I'm a little thrown here.

Could you tell me something
more about this woman I never met?

Well, don't worry, it
was before your mother.

Oh, good.

Yeah, she's the
one that got away.

Love of my life.

What?

B-but you liked
mom better, right?

Dad?

Come on, tell me that
you liked mom better.

Yeah, sure.

You know, you're not
being very nice about mom.

Oh, the woman who left
me for 'Paco, The latin lover'?

All right.

Well, if this Jackie
was the love of your life,

what happened?

We probably had an
argument or something.

Hey, it was a long time ago.

It's water under the bridge.

So, now you think...

you two might get
back together again?

I don't know why not.

I forgave the Koreans.
I can forgive her.

-Can you forgive mom?
-Nope!

Oh, good, C.J. Come here!

Now, I need you to
help me get this job.

Okay, okay; First of all,

Calm...Poise...Composure.

-Oh, God
-Ohh!

I didn't even know
you were in the room.

C.J.; I need you. -Here we go,
here we go -Come on!

Great; The blond
leading the blonde.

You need one
signature move, okay?

Pretend this bed is
a car you're selling.

I shouldn't give you this one.

That's a triple hand
twirl. It k*lled in Europe. Try it!

How was that?

That's great if you're
arguing with a deaf guy.

I did exactly what you did.

Oh, you wish

Where's the flair, the
attitude, the passion?

The intelligence, the
pride, the self-respect?

Don't confuse her, all right?

Those things are
poison to a model.

-That's Jackie!
-No. No.

That's Jackie.

Ugh.

Jimbo.

Jackie.

Okay, look away, look away.

Wow; What a beautiful home.

Obviously, you've done
very well for yourself.

Thank you.

Oh, ha, ha.. Right;

This is my
daughter's house.

This is my daughter, Cate.

Hi! It's a pleasure to meet you.

Nice to meet you, Cate.

I've been really looking
forward to meeting you.

Dad says you're the
one that "Got away"

Well, I'm just the girl
who was on the go,

and your dad
wanted to settle down.

Another one of
my fine decisions.

Shall we have a drink?

I'd love some white wine
-Okay

Oh, and this is
my grandson, Rory.

-Hi.
-Nice to meet you, Rory.

Now, let me guess.
I am really good at this.

You are in the sixth grade.

I'm a freshman in high school.

Oops.

And this is my
granddaughter, Kerry.

-I'm really good at this.
-No, no, no... You don't have to.

I know it's your
business and everything,

but there's more to
me than just how I look.

Can I at least tell you how
fabulous your red hair is?

Really?

Have you ever
considered modeling?

Oh...

I don't know. I mean...

I guess... maybe
someday down the line.

-Here we go.
-Oh; Thank you so much.

Lovely.

Looking at you is
like time stood still.

Here's to the good times we had.

And here's to the times to come.

Oh, Jim; Don't do
that with the ice.

Well, hello!

This is Bridget
-Ah...

Oh, it's so nice to meet you.

Hello.

Thank you for
coming to our home.

Nailed it.

Of course, you remember C.J.

Oh, how could I forget?

My receptionist is
bringing him up on charges.

Don't leave the state.

So, has grandpa--

has he changed much
since you two dated?

Hardly at all.

He's still tall and gorgeous,

and still throws
back those peanuts

like he was at a ball game.

Why don't you
guys get acquainted,

and Cate and I will get the
rest of the 'hors d'oeuvres'.

Dad, you're gonna help
me with the 'hors d'oeuvres'?

Let's go!

Now I remember
why we didn't work out.

"Don't clink the ice, don't
throw back the peanuts."

Yeah, what's that all about?

She always treated me
like I was a -year-old.

I didn't stand for it then,

and I'm sure not gonna
stand for it in my own house.

Your house.

Yeah, and I think you
better stand for it tonight.

Bridget has a lot riding on this.
-Ahhh..

I'm gonna need a little more
scotch and a lot more ice.

Guys, I think she's gonna
put me in the commercial.

Oh, that's great, honey.

Grandpa, you were
right. She is fantastic.

She said her little
'Jimbo' would be in here,

filling up on snacks
before dinner.

Maybe I need the whole bottle.

I bet mom's looking kind
of good right about now.

No.

For the last time,

The 'Leprechaun' is
in the cereal, okay?

The 'Little sailor'
guy is in the toilet.

Well; Is my Bridget
everything I told you she'd be?

She's delightful.

Yeah; Hey, I'm starved.

You ready to tie
on the old feed bag?

Oh, Jim, we're not
a couple of horses.

Be nice for Bridget.

Well...ready.

Not quite.

Now we're ready.

Well, you two have
a really nice time.

Real nice, dad.

Thank you, Cate.

I have a feeling I'm gonna
be spending a lot more time

with your lovely family,
and especially you, Bridget.

Oh, I'd love that.

Oh, look at you.

What did you get into?

There, all better
now. Okay.

Good night.

-Good night.

Good night!

Psycho!

Dad! What are you doing?

I'm sorry. The wind
must've blown the door shut.

Yeah, but I locked it.

Why did you do that?

Well, you're treating me
just like you used to, like a kid.

-If you want to walk around like that...
-Well, maybe I do.

-What is going on?
-Ask my nanny.

You are impossible.

Why don't we all just
take a deep breath

and have some olives?

You have your nerve, Jim Egan.

I came all the way here to
meet your granddaughter.

You're wasting your time

-She's too good for your commercial.
-No, I'm not.

Fine, then we won't use her.

-Fine.
-Fine!

-Not fine!
-And good night.

Ah, nailed it!

And that is why I
married your mother.

So, that's it? I'm out?

Listen, it's a tough biz, kid.

You lasted longer than most.

You can tap on that
glass till it breaks.

I am not crawling
back to Jackie.

Please, grandpa,

I want to be in the
commercial. I want to be a model

Oh, really? You want to wind
up like that crazy nut bucket?

Is that what you want?

More than anything.

I'm sorry. I'm not gonna do it.

Well, next time you lose
your glasses on your head,

I'm not telling you
where they are.

[Cate:] Bridget, I will not
tolerate that language.

What did she call me?

Well...

Let's just say it involves
the entire patoot.

She'll get over it.

Dad, this isn't
about your pride.

It's about your
granddaughter's happiness.

It's not that simple.

Well, sure it is. Jim
Egan never backs down.

Look, I'm not saying that
Jackie wasn't annoying,

but get over it.

What happened to the guy
who always put his family first?

He got dumped years
ago by the love of his life.

Jackie?

Yeah...

She's not the one that got away.

She cut me loose.

Really?

Yeah, she didn't think
I was refined enough.

She tried to class me up,

dress me in fine suits,

and eat that crappy French food.

Well, I'm just a little
rough around the edges,

and I always will be.

Oh, dad.

She broke my heart.

And then last night

she started fussing at me,

and it brought it all back.

Well, you never
told me any of this.

I'm not proud of it.

After she dumped me,

I did a lot of drinking

and wasn't taking
care of myself.

I was a desperate man.

That's when I met your mother.

Oh..oh...oh.. Well, it turned
out to be a good thing.

I mean, we had
you and your sister.

And, of course, you had

Rory... and the girls.

Damn! I love those kids.

Oh, hell! I'll go
talk to Jackie.

Oh, man; It's hard to watch.

Why?

'Cause once you feel
the heat of the spotlight,

you Jones for it.
You "gotsta" have it.

-You were years old
-It's doesn't matter

Once it gets in your
blood, you never get rid of it.

It's like Hepatitis 'B'.

I tell you what.

I'd throw it all
away to do it again.

Throw what away?

Your room in the basement
and your box of dirty magazines?

You don't get it, do you?

What box of dirty magazines?

I'm proud of you.

I know that took a lot
to go back to Jackie.

Well, the hard thing
wasn't the apology

it was trying to
keep her from seeing

I had one brown sock
and one blue sock.

Oh, hi. Enjoying it, honey?

Oh, having so much fun!

This is a blast. Grandpa.
Thank you so much.

[Man:] Let's get ready, people!

-Okay, I gotta go.
-So, honey...

Is this something you
might want to do more of?

Oh, I don't think so.
It's a lot of standing.

It was worth the sacrifice.

You're a classy guy.

No matter what
color your socks are.

Thank you, baby girl.

For later.

Boy! She looks
great, doesn't she?

A real natural.

Yeah, kind of like
you when you started.

You know, there's
plenty of food.

Do you want something to eat?

I don't want any food.

I want to watch
my granddaughter.

Take something for later.

Maybe some chips to go with
that sandwich in your pocket.

You're doing it again.

[Man:] Quiet, everybody.
Stand by. We're rolling.

And action!

If you're looking for the
sleekest, sexiest lines

of any car on the
road, look no further.

Strength, speed, style, and --

and loads of trunk room.

Cut!

Nailed it!

Hum...

If you're looking for the
sleekest, sexiest lines

of any car on the road,

look no further.

Strength, Speed, Style,

and loads of trunk room.
-Ha, ha..ha... ha...

What are you doing?

-Nothing.
-You so want to model.

Oh, please.!

Actually, you showed
a little bit of potential.

Really?

Yeah...You got a good
look, good personality

You could be a big star.

Could you fit in
that toilet bowl?