03x22 - Sixteen Spanish Car Leak

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Life in Pieces". Aired: September 2015 to June 2019.
"Life in Pieces" chronicles the life of a family, told through the separate stories of different family members.
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03x22 - Sixteen Spanish Car Leak

Post by bunniefuu »


Aw. Oh.


Hey, birthday girl.

How's it feel to be ?

Oh, I must look terrible.

I just woke up.

Well, I made plans for
us. Can I come over?

(SIGHS) I wish, but I'm sure my parents

already made plans for my birthday.

They're so gay for me.


There she is. Big day today.

Oh, please don't make a big thing of it.

Are you kidding? Come on!

Battery recycling
only comes once a year.

Yeah. It's like Christmas,

but instead of presents, you
might get mercury poisoning.

Tha-That's it?

You don't have anything
else to say to me?


I need you to drag that
duffel bag full of batteries

down to the library. Okay?

If it catches on f*re on the way there,

just throw it in someone
else's garbage and run.


Okay, she's gone. She's gone.

And she totally thinks
that we forgot her birthday!

(CHUCKLES) Look what I saved.

This is a drawing

that Sam did when she was eight

of her dream sweet party.

We are gonna bring this to life.

Does it seem like a giant misfire

to give a -year-old an
eight-year-old's birthday party?

Oh, Tyler. Don't be a dum-dum dummy.

Listen, I know this is silly.

I just, I want Sam to know
that her dreams can come true.

Yeah, before she's old
enough to realize they don't,

which usually happens
sometime after college.

Was that some sort of dig at me?

I'm Charlie.

My mom left my dad

and now I live in this hotel.


Looks like there's a
few birthday surprises

at the bottom of the pool.

What? Nobody has ever dropped
things into water for me.

- Aw.

You think my dad's gonna come back?

(CHUCKLES) What are these?

Open them.



- I don't get it.
- CHARLIE: Mom! I found an egg

with a necklace in it that says "love."

Hey! That belongs to her!


You love me?

Are you really gonna make me say it?

Only if you want me to say it back.

I love you.

I love you, too.

I'm going after my necklace.

Hey, turd! Get over here.


Spoiler alert: these things
are full of newspapers.

Candy costs extra.

Yeah, but who doesn't
want to take a baseball bat

to the news these days?

I thought the only thing that
got smashed at these things

was your dad.

Oh, honey, can you believe this?

Look it. We are giving our baby

the sweet of her dreams.

Why do they call it "sweet "?

I did the most dirty,
horrible things when I was .

Hi! Sorry we're late.

We had to take the bus.

Uh, related: I am sorry
that I smell like pee.

- Oh. Oh!

Okay, that's Samantha. That
is definitely the car door slam

of a teenage girl who thinks
her family forgot her birthday.

Everybody over here. Okay.

Quiet, quiet, quiet. Will
you guys get the lights?

- MATT: Yeah, yeah.
- Oh, she's gonna love this.

My family's still not back.

This morning that would've
upset me, but now I'm glad.

Really? Today was so special

and I want to make it
more special with you.

What were you thinking?

Let's go upstairs.

I want you to be my first.


First what?

- Surprise.
- Surprise.

Oh, my God!

- I'm just gonna go...



South America.

It has mystery; it's full of monkeys,

and Loris can get us a great deal.

Or we can rent an RV and
drive around the country.

We could shower at truck stops.

You always wanted to do that.

Oh, I hate for you to
find out this way, dear,

but I've already done that.


John, I want a huge adventure.

(WHISPERING): Let's get lost
in the mystery of South America.

WOMAN: Hola. ÿComo estas?
Gracias por invitarme.

Me llamo Lala y voy a
enseñarles español.

My name is Lala and I'm
here to teach you Spanish.

It's so sexy.

ÿComo te llamas?

El llama e Joan or Joanie.

Excellent. Now you, John.

What is your name?



Please, Lala.

Teach us everything we need
to survive our adventure.

Yeah, yeah. Uh, ethnic food
doesn't always agree with us,

so, uh, how do you say "bathroom"?

Bathroom is baño.

Say it with me. Baño.


Now you, John.



That's what I said.

Good... enough.

So, um, where is the bathroom?

ÿDonde esta el baño?

Uh, where is bonbo?

Hi, uh, Mom needs the balloons
for Sam's birthday party.

No, en español.

We're studying for our aventura.

(CHUCKLES) Sometimes if you just

add flair it works.

I haven't spoken Spanish
since high school.

Pero, uh, mi madre
necessita los globos

para la fiesta de Sam.

Oh, my. Do all Spanish
speakers speak that fast?

You know, Mom-Mom, if
you're having trouble,

there are a few apps you
can get at the app store

- that can translate for you.
- No, honey.

I need to do things the authentic way.

That's why we buy our tortillas
from the lady in the wheelchair.

She makes them with her feet.

The best way to learn a foreign language

is to totally immerse ourselves.

That's what Lala said

when she canceled our
next six weeks of lessons.





Oh, I think he understood me.

ÿLe gustará comprar
g*n de las frutas?

Uh. ÿEsos?

Ah, manzanas.

Ah, las manzanas.

Sí, manzanas.

Yeah. I'm in a groove.

- You get the piñatas for Sam's birthday.
- Yeah. Yeah.

Remember, Spanish only.

Only Spanish. Yeah.

Um. No...

ÿDonde es were we? Uh...

Lady, just tell me what you want.

Espanola, uh, por favor.

Quieres que te hablo
en español. Sí.

Have you any, uh, Abuela Smiths?


Hola, señor.

- Hola.
- (CHUCKLES) Hola.

Una piñata por favor.

Ah, sí.

ÿCuál quiere que le baje?


Uh, hola.

E, ÿque tipo?



(CHUCKLES) "John Juan."

E, ÿque tipo de piñata?

Oh. Oh.

My granddaughter is having a
Princess and the Frog

You got any frogs?





Sí, toad-a's. Sí.

No hay problema. Todas.



Una mas, por favor.

Um, um...

Uh... Tiempo.

(STAMMERS) ÿTiempa?

- ÿTiempo?
- JOHN: Joanie.

Look what I got. I learned
a new word: todos.

It means "everything."

- ÿTodos?
- ÿTodos?

O, Sí. ÿComo no?

- Todos...
- No, no. No, n-no...

That was awful.

You know, I thought it was fun.

I liked how tall I felt there.

No, I don't know, John.

How are we gonna survive another country

when we can't even survive
the farmers market in Burbank?

Well, maybe Tyler was right.

Maybe we should use our cell phones

to translate, like everyone else.

Yeah, but then, we'd have to learn

how to use our cell phones.

Well, I'm willing to do that.

You know, it'd be an
adventure, just like you want.

All right.

Okay, let's do it.

Let's join the millennials.

Get your coat.

We're going to the app store.

st century, here we come.

Boy, I hope they take checks.


What is the deal?

How long does it take to put
our embryo in my sister's uterus?

Well, if she parties like
the rest of your family,

she was probably hard to sedate.

Look at this convertible.

Ooh. I love that. Right?

But there's no backseat
for our new baby.

And you know I need at
least cup holders.


How'd it go? Is she pregnant?

- She is.
- Oh, I knew it!

No. I mean,

Rita was already pregnant
when she came in today.

- What?
- What?

Yes, I am so sorry.

Um, she's still in the back,

trying to figure out whose it is.

You can see her if you want.

I assume she's in a fragile state,

and it would be wrong to yell at her?


Then, no.

I shouldn't see her right now.

MATT: It's just that Rita

was the only surrogate we could afford,

because she was free, and
she was down for whatever,

which is probably how we
ended up in this situation.

You know what? I am
gonna go yell at her.

- It just feels like something I should do.
- Yeah.

You might want to close that door.


Too late.

Maybe we should think about adoption.

I don't know. I've just
heard so many stories

of last-minute disappointment.

I don't think my heart could take it.

Ugh. Okay, maybe we should
just hit the pause button.

Are you breaking up with me?

What? No.

No, I'm saying let's
just take a moment for us.

- Oh.
- You know?

Just really embrace the
fact that, for right now,

it's just you and me.

And that we can use our experience

to help other couples who
are in the same position,

and really focus and dedicate ourselves

to philanthropy and giving back.

I have to have this car, I
don't care how much it costs.

We're gonna look so hot in it.

- Fun, right?
- Yeah.

Everyone wants one of these babies.


Uh, it's just a car.

Let's just call it a car.

The fact is, it's not "just a car,"

because something like this
brings out the kid in us.

And let's be honest,

we've all got a kid inside of us.

Yeah, some people don't need a kid

inside of them to feel whole.

- That's right.
- Excuse me.

- I'm gonna go get another doughnut.
- Okay.

You know what? It's
actually one per customer,

but, uh, well, that'll count as yours.

Yeah, uh, hey, listen,
man. We're having some, um,

baby trouble, so if you
could just dance around

- any sensitive subjects.
- Yes.

- Got it. Mum's the word. Oh.
- Ooh.

- But I'll-I'll do better.
- Okay.

- Yeah.
- Hmm.

Have a seat.

Thank you.

J.P.: Uhp.


Ha. Yep. These,


The, uh, pictures that
come with the frames.

But you're in that one.


Oh. Well, I used to be a frame model.


You guys came to the right
place, because this baby...

I mean, car...

goes zero to in five seconds.

Wow. And the handling

is as smooth as a...
full-grown adult's bottom,

is what we like to say.

So, uh, when do we talk about financing?

Yes, financing, absolutely. Maria?

- This is so exciting, right?
- I know, it is. This really is.

Time to talk numbers?

Never mind.



It's a gluten allergy. It's sad.



- All right, we did it.
- Oh.


Here we go.

Congratulations, you
guys, you're looking good.

Can't let you leave, though,

without a picture for the website.

- Okay.
- Okay.

All right.

Ho-ho, looking good.


I'll tell you what, I think you got

a really good deal on this car.

And our policy is,

if you find a better
price in nine months,

th-then... ugh.


enjoy the car, and we'll see
you for your first service,

which includes labor and
delivery... oh, my God!


I wish we had a baby.

I know. Me, too.

You know what? What are we doing here?

This car isn't gonna
make us feel any better.

You know what? We'll
find something that will.

In the meantime, we're gonna
give back this stupid car,

because unless you've
driven it off the lot,

you don't have to pay for it, okay?

- Okay. I love...
- I love you so much.

- Okay.
- We're gonna be fine.

- We're gonna be just fine.
- Yeah.



Well, technically, we
didn't drive it off the lot,

so it's not really on us.


GREG: Yeah, sure. Yeah.

I-I love you, too. Bye.

Um, okay, that was Heather.

Matt and Colleen lost their surrogate.



Oh, that's so awful.

- I feel so bad for them.
- Yeah.

Ugh, and I'm sure the last
thing they want to hear

is that I'm pregnant.

Yeah. I mean, you know,

Matt looks up to me so
much as a little brother.

When he finds out how potent
I am, it will destroy him.

- Yeah, that's gonna be a tough blow.
- Well...

Okay, you know what, let's
just keep this a secret for now.

Just... no one can know
that I'm having a baby.

Mommy, you're having a baby?

Um... Lark, honey, what
are you doing out of bed?

Mommy, do you have a baby in your tummy?

- You... Come here, sweetie.

- Yeah.

So, um, yes.

Mommy has a baby in her tummy.

(LAUGHS) Ooh! Isn't that exciting?

You are gonna be a big sister.
Doesn't that sound like fun?


But you don't think it would be fun

to have a-a brother or sister

so you don't, you know, end up weird?


Wow, we're -for- .

Well, we've got some time
to warm up to the idea.

- Mm-hmm.
- For now, honey, hey,

let's just keep it a secret, right?

'Cause we have Sam's party.

Oh, yeah. Do you know what a secret is?

Like when you forgot me in the
car and said not to tell Mommy.

Ooh. Hi.

- Hi. I heard the news.
- Huh?

It's so exciting! Oh! Mwah!

No, Mom. I think she knows.

Yeah. Okay, Mom. Who told you?

Lark. We were coloring together.

It's a little disturbing.

It started out as a heart,
and then, you know, it...

went off the rails there.

Where is Lark?

Honey, we just want to make sure

that you're ready and that you're safe.

Okay, you can get diseases.
You could get pregnant.

You could fall in love.

And isn't that the scariest
thing of all, Samantha?

Wh-What are you doing, Tim?

Trying to keep her a virgin.

What? What's this? Some
kind of weird sex toy?

Dad! We've been dating for a year,

and we're already in love.

Just because you're in love,

that doesn't mean that you're ready.

Okay, I thought I was ready
my first time. I wasn't.

It's my decision.

And I promise I'm not
gonna get pregnant.

LARK: Guess what.

My mommy's pregnant.

She calls the nanny "Mommy".

Yeah. I'm fine with it.

Ugh. She is a ticking time b*mb.

We have to keep her
from saying anything.

Okay. Okay. Um... Ooh, yeah.

Come over here, kiddo.

I want you to get on
here and pedal around,

silently, and remember our secret.


- Guess what.
- Wha...?

Keep pedaling.

You know, after two,
baby fat's just fat.

All right. Come on. Feel the burn.

Okay. We just have to keep her eating

- so she doesn't speak.
- Mm-hmm.

Mmm, this cake is so yummy. Huh?
That's why we eat more and more.

Yeah, we just stuff it in our
cute little mouths all the time.

- Mmm.
- Mmm.

He's really sending her mixed messages.

- Mmm.
- Mmm.


Oh. I got it.

No, no, no. I got it. Uh, excuse me.

Hi, guys. I think that
it's pretty obvious

that there's something
that everybody knows

but no one is talking about.

Uh, but Matt and I feel
that having a baby is

a really big decision

that affects everyone in the family.

We want to be open and honest.

So that's why we wanted to
share with you the exciting news

that we are adopting.


- Wonderful!
- Congratulations.


All right, uh, everyone,

I would like for you
all to meet Anthony.


Oh, well,

welcome to the family, dear.


Welcome to the family.

Oh, I'm just the adoption agent,

- and I'm .
- ALL: Oh.

Yeah, he's just here to
confirm that we're a good family

so he can match us with
a baby that needs a home.

Why don't you just take Mommy's baby?


You're pregnant?!

I am outraged! Whose is it?


Yeah, okay. Um...

We are pregnant. (CHUCKLES)

- That's fantastic!
- Babies for everyone.


I'm really sorry, Matt. I
mean, we weren't even trying,

like, at all, but... one time, so...

That-That's really great,
man. Congratulations.

But you couldn't even let
us have, like, one moment?

Hey, man, listen. This isn't our fault.

Lark wasn't supposed to tell anybody.

MATT: Yeah, right.

You totally put her up to it.

You had her hold onto it

until we had some good news,

- then you told her to one-up us.
- Oh, come on.

You came here on a bus,
and you smell like urine.

How could I assume that that was
gonna be followed by good news?

- Wait.
- What?

Where's Sam and Ryan?


They're upstairs, unsupervised.

Tim, how could you let this happen?

It's like I don't even exist.

Don't worry. This is a very loving

- and supportive family.
- Mm-hmm.

Would you like to hear
a song about our journey?

CLEMENTINE: Oh, yeah. Good idea.

Let's do it.

Oh, boy. Okay.


- Hey. Sorry about that, man.
- No, I'm sorry.



Why are we searching for
adventure out in the world...

when we have all the
adventure we need right here?

They're gone, they're gone,
they're gone. They took off!

Check the tiny house.
Check the tiny house.

It's a palace of lust.

- Let's go. This way!
- Yeah.

♪ Some are happy... ♪

Siri, how do you say "I
love my wife" in Spanish?


SIRI: Turn right on Mills Boulevard.


♪ Oh... listen to the music. ♪
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