01x06 - Love

Episode transcripts for the 2015 TV show "The Ex-PM". Aired December 2015 - 2017.
"The Ex-PM" is about a retired long serving Australian Prime Minister, who squanders the advance given to him for his biography and takes a ghostwriter into his dysfunctional household. His inquisitive and over enthusiastic ghostwriter has an unhelpfully insatiable appetite for the truth.
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01x06 - Love

Post by bunniefuu »

Hey, here's one of you and me.

Can you bring it a bit closer?
I can't quite see.


Ah! Yeah, I remember that.
That's a beauty!

That was your very first
victory breakfast.

Biggest swing
to a first-time opposition candidate

in a non-safe seat
in a First World federal election

anywhere in the world ever.

Well, no wonder we look so smug.

Well, that was my proudest
achievement as a campaign manager.

Remember what I said to you
just after that was taken?

Something about me
picking up the bill?

I said, 'Andrew, you might just be
a humble backbencher at this stage,

but within four years
you'll be in The Lodge

and I'm coming with you
every step of the g*dd*mn way.'

That's interesting
'cause my memory was

you were too drunk
to form a coherent sentence.

Put that in the book. It'd be
a good caption for that picture.

Put it in the book.

Ellen wants me to find something
that'll unlock

some genuine emotional moments
for the last chapter.

Says I'm still coming off
'stiff and guarded'.

Yeah, well,
if Proust can get volumes

out of a cup of tea and a Tim Tam,

you'll piss it in
with a box of polaroids, Andrew.

Has he teared up yet, Henry?

He got a little misty, Ellen,
at the lovely picture of Bob Hawke

being hit in the face
with a cricket ball.

What can I say,
I'm not an emotional person.

I think the last time I cried, I was
eight and a horse trod on my foot.

The picture should be here somewhere.
Look what I found.

The wedding album.
The smell of camphor might do it.

Anniversary next week.
I know. years.

♪ The look of love... ♪

♪ Is in your eyes

♪ A look

♪ Your smile

♪ Can't disguise

♪ The look of love

♪ Is saying so much more
than just words could ever say

♪ And what my heart has heard

♪ Well, it takes my breath away

♪ I can hardly wait to hold you

♪ Feel my arms around you... ♪

(Blows nose)

Nothing. Nothing. No, nothing.

Um, would you like
to have a hit later on?

Oh. I just booked a session
with Javier.

I'm so sorry, darling.

No, no, no, that's alright.
No, no, no, just wondering.

♪ Theme music


Uh, yep.

What about this one of you
holding Carol?

Nuh, nothing.

Wow, if a baby picture can't crack
him, we might be in some trouble.

No, no, it's not a baby photo -

that's from the night
of her th birthday

when she got stoned
and fell in the pool.

This one of your mother?
That's a good one.

She's d*ad.

You know, I don't understand this
need for emotional vulnerability.

I read Lazarus Rising - all I learned
was how tedious a book could be

and still sell , copies.

Yeah, well, Andrew Dugdale
is no John Howard.

Good tagline. Put it on the cover
next to the 'remaindered' sticker.

We wouldn't need insight into how
you tick if we ended on fireworks.

If something exciting
happened in your autumn years,

instead of good health
and contentment.

Oh, I'm very sorry. I'm sorry.

Maybe I should go to a Memphis hotel
and lose my trousers

or have a fling with Wendi Deng.

Andrew Peacock took Shirley MacLaine
UFO-spotting once.

On a Mexican volcano.

Well, that's not a bad idea.
I'm game.

Henry, could you ring Andrew Peacock

and see if he'll go on a date
with me?


Yoo-hoo! Henry?

Oh, it's probably nothing. He's gone
to the toilet or making a cup of tea.

Both probably.
Well, there's still no answer.

You should probably drop by.

Yeah. Rita, could you ask Curtis
to get out the car?

I don't think he's in it, Mr Andrew.

It's bin day today.
I'll pop my head in.

It'd be a good photo for the cover.

I'll grab Curtis.

Why are you worried about looking
like you care about somebody?

You're as bad as she is!

I have no problem expressing feelings
or showing people I care.

Show Poppa what you made
for his and Gaga's anniversary.

Teacher says it looks like
a Chagall.

Yeah, yeah, not now, boy,
I got enough on my plate as it is.

Oh, right.

Carol... Carol, I'm sorry. Sorry.

Look, see Sonny
and make an appointment.

Well, Chagall?

You validate these kids too much
and they grow up very needy.

His car's not here.
Maybe he went down to the shops.

He's on home detention, Curtis.

His ankle monitor goes off
if he goes outside the gate.

Well, these aren't his -
they're obviously way too small.

See, we're worrying unnecessarily.

Women's underwear on the footpath,

we've got a recycle bin
full of empty champagne bottles,

which I probably paid for -
and the women too, no doubt.

He's absolutely fine.

Bloody hell! He's been ransacked!

I'll call the police.
No, no, no, no.

Ever since Cindy left him,
the place always looks like this.

Henry! Where are you, you old bugger?


Uh-uh, Mr Dugdale! Fingerprints.

Yes. Yes, you're right, Curtis.

Ellen, I think you better
ring the police.

(Door shuts, footsteps approaching)

Two people.

Neither of them Henry.
(Footsteps drawing closer)

Hide! Yeah, yeah, you're right.
Hide, hide.

No, no, I'm in here. Get out. No.

(Door shuts)

No, Mr Dugdale - the five iron.

Much better.
(Footsteps approaching)

(Glass shatters)

It's a five iron.

(Whispers) Put those away!

They're evidence.
(Whispers) Put them away!

WOMAN: And if you hear anything
from Mr Coates,

please be sure and let us know.

That goes for you too, Mr Dugdale.

Aiding and abetting a fugitive
is an offence, even for an ex-PM.

Oh, sure. Yeah, absolutely. I'm as
keen to get a hold of him as you are.

Are you sure you can't just track
the ankle monitor?

The signal went d*ad about the same
time you noticed he went missing.

You don't think that he's...

You don't suspect anything, do you?

It's too early
to be getting worried.

Or rule anything out.
If you'll excuse us, please.

Yeah, sure.

Officer, are you sure
you don't want these pantyhose?

Positive, sir. Thank you.

No, Curtis! They know what
they're doing, alright?

Now, go and clean the egg
off your windscreen.

My friend too, you know?

I think 'friend'
might be overstating it a bit.

You're really worried about him
as well, aren't you?

No, no, I mean, Henry's survived
two wives, three heart att*cks

and an ATO probe
the size of the Rialto Tower.

I'm more worried about my money.

That's not our car, Curtis!
Oh, not again.

CURTIS: Rightio!
(Metallic banging)

Well, get off the top of it.
You'll dent it.

Henry Coates
was one of the small fry

caught up when Wickenby
pulled its nets in.

Offshore money laundering
in the Channel Islands.

Over a million bucks in tax fraud
that we know of.

Two years' home detention.

Yeah, Glenn Wheatley got three

and had to spend half of that
at Beechworth.

WOMAN: Meaning?

Glenn Wheatley
only had John Farnham as a client.

We're just saying,
some people don't have as much pull

in the Federal Court as others,
that's all.

Yeah, I didn't vote for Dugdale,

but I don't reckon he knew
or did anything.

Two of the hallmarks
of his administration,

according to the late Mr Blanchard.

God rest his soul.

Isn't that Henry's A ,
Mr Dugdale, sir?

Hey, there you go.
I told you not to worry.

Want me to ring the police
and let them know?

Uh, no. No, it might be better
for Henry to do that himself.

Actually, let me find out
what's going on first.

What are you doing?

After I finish kicking him
up the bum for worrying us sick,

I'm gonna give the old bugger
a great big hug from me.

Go and hose the albumen off the duco.

(Door opens and shuts)

Henry, what the hell
have you got yourself into this time?

What's going on?

Welcome home, Mr Dugdale.

I was just discussing
with your family

how to best get out your friend
from what he's got into.

Is everyone alright?
He punched Javier in the face.

Is everyone alright apart from that?

Sergei gets carried away.
He thought that this man was you.

Me?! Well, he looks nothing like me.

We found him lying in bed
next to your wife.

You can see how a mistake like that
can happen.

Sonny warned me about you two,

but I was too stupid to believe him,
wasn't I, Sonny?

You don't know the half of it.
It's not true, Mr Dugdale, I swear.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
I want no more unnecessary v*olence.

No, no, let's just confine it
to the tennis instructor.

Your friend Henry
is a very unlucky man

on the races, football games,
oil explorations in Belarus.

He owes us much money.
He said we should talk to you.

Me? Well...
(g*n cocks)

Once, uh, most important man
in the country.

'He will know what to do, '
is what he said.

Mr Dugdale, I swear it to you,
I was limbering up,

using the bed frame
to stretch out my iliopsoas muscle.

(Gasps and sobs)

I know this man was
never prime minister straightaway.

He cried like a little girl.

Yes, my own crying tends to have
a deeper, more masculine edge to it.

(Chuckles nervously)

Sorry, I tend to ramble a little bit
when I'm in fear of my life.

Why have you got, um...
Sonny, why has he got Ellen's laptop?

(Muffled speech)

Your chief of staff
has been very helpful.

He has given me
all your online banking passwords.

Has he? Has he?
What are you so worried about?

It's not like they can transfer
your triple overdraft to Cyprus.

Regrettably, this is true,
Mr Dugdale.

You have no money.

But I find this very difficult to
understand for an ex-world leader.

Well, you know, world leader...

Prime ministers from Australia
aren't really world leaders.

I mean, yes, we get invited
to the NATO conferences,

but they tend to put us
off in the corner on a wobbly table

with some butcher's paper
and some crayons.

(Both laugh)

(Impatiently) Andrew,
could you deal with this please?

We are hostages here, darling.

We are not hosting
a f*cking dinner party!

Sorry, darling. I didn't hear that.
There's a g*n barrel in my ear!

The adulteress is right.

You find money,
you get friend back and we will go.

Well, where is Henry?

They've been friends a long time,
haven't they?

years, man and beast.

Longer than his marriage
to Mrs Dugdale.

In fact, I was there
the day that Mr Dugdale

very generously bought this for him.

(Knocks on car boot)
Wow, that is generous.

An anniversary present
for winning pre-selection

his first year in politics.

That's exactly
what I need for the book -

some kind of insight into...

(Knocking continues)
I think it needs a service.

MAN: Hello?
Henry, is that you?


Henry, don't worry,
we'll get you out of there.

God bless you, Ellen,
you sweet girl.

I can't see a thing in here.
They've put a bag over my head.

I'm here too, Henry, me old friend.

Oh! It is good to hear your voice.

Who's that?

Mr Dugdale's COMCAR driver.

Oh, right, yeah. Hi, Curtis.

We don't have a key. Can you get
to the lock mechanism on your side?

No, they've zip-locked my hands
behind my back.

Oh, Myles has got
some housebreaking equipment

in his office around the back.

Maybe we can break in,

retrieve the equipment
and use it to break in.


Yeah, I've got boltcutters,
hacksaws, C , skeleton keys.

Even got a crossbow that feeds out
a high-tensile wire to slide down.

What's up?
Where have you been?

Went to get a Slurpee.

Popped in to the paintball place
for a quick skirmish.

There's a man locked in the boot!

, huh? Follow me.

But who locked him in the boot?!

So, how much money
are we talking about here?

Your friend, as I say,
was a very unlucky man.

Yeah, but how very unlucky?
Five? Ten?


Plus interest, fees and charges,
now closer to .

I have in birthday money,

Do you have it with you?
No, no, no, boy, he means , .

You do mean that, don't you?
You don't mean ?

You are a very generous little boy,
aren't you?

Let's hope you grow up
to be a generous man, huh?

You get away from him.

I just meant that I hoped that he
would remain a nice boy as he grows.

Is that anyway to talk in front
of a child, you f*cking arsehole?!

It was not a thr*at.
I meant it sincerely.

As people grow up,
they become more selfish.

I'm a businessman, not a monster.

Your friend used your money
in an investment.

It didn't pay off.

He borrowed from us
to make up the loss.

It did not work out.

I'm just here to reclaim my money,
that's all.

I'm not here to hurt anyone.
You punched Javier in the face.

Three times.

Except for him, obviously.

Oh, great, so I'm the exception
that proves the rule.

(Gasps and wheezes)


Who the hell are these guys?

And why has that one got my laptop?

Listen, , is a lot of money.

We can't scrape it together from what
we find down the back of the couches.

That's the trouble
with this country.

You think you can live off credit,
never have to repay it,

and there'll never be consequences.

Hey, I'll have you know when I left
office we had the smallest deficit -

adjusted for population and GDP -
that this country has ever seen.

In fact, Alan Ramsey described me

as the most fiscally conservative
prime minister

since, uh, Stanley Bruce.

Andrew, you're not on AM, alright?
Or talking to Michael Brissenden.

I don't know, Michael Brissenden,

he gets a bee in his bonnet,
he's pretty tough!

(Clock smashes)

You try to be like America too much.
They owe trillions to China.

China doesn't call on its debt

because they want US to have
the money to buy their products.

Everybody in bed with each other.

No, it's not true, Mr Dugdale.
Don't listen to him.

In Russia,
if Ukraine doesn't pay its gas bill,

we pay them a little visit.

Did he just hit that
tennis instructor across the face?

Looked like it from this angle.

Do you want me to replay it?

(Clicks keys on keyboard)
(Tape whirs)

JAVIER: No, it's not true,
Mr Dugdale. Don't listen to him.

Yeah, but if the Ukraine
doesn't pay its gas bill,

you don't invade Hawaii
to get your money back, do you?

You want to be like America?

America pays bailout
to Ukraine to pay our bill.

Same thing. You're in business
with Henry Coates.

He invest your money for a fee,
you take profits, yes?

Yes, that's true...
He makes loss, you take loss.

but this place is triple-mortgaged.

Anything of value here is on credit

or leased back
through a charitable trust.

You do debt drawdown or something.

Please don't make me conform
to stereotype of Russian mafia.

Yeah, well,
let me tell you something -

the Dugdales
do not negotiate with t*rrorists.

Take him outside.
Explain terms and conditions.

Well, let's not be too rash.

Oh, him.

JAVIER: (Feebly) No.

I think it's getting serious
in there, Myles.

They're on their way.
Ten minutes, they reckon.

I don't reckon
Javier's got ten minutes.

Observe and report,
that's all I can do, Ellen.

Unless the first family themselves
are compromised.

That tennis instructor's
been compromising Mrs Dugdale

for a couple of weeks now.

I preferred it
when you could actually see him

here in the room, being punched.
I know I did.

Even if we could hear him shrieking,
that'd be better.

I quite agree, but we must be strong.

Sorry, boss.

What did you do to him,
you inhuman monster?

Sit him down in chair, he fainted.

For God's sake, Mum, give 'em
the details of your secret account.

Ixnay on the ecret accountsay.

Hang on, hang on.
What ecret accountsay?

Mum's been stashing money away
for ages now just in case.

Just in case what?

In case she worked up the guts
to finally leave you.

Catherine, is this true?

Well, either I didn't have the guts
to leave you

or I didn't want to leave you.

But either way I stuck with you,
didn't I?

No, no, no, about the account.
This could solve everything, right?

It depends
how much she has secreted.

You are a disgusting pig.

No, Rita,
you will catch your bus home tonight.

I've got an idea.
How much money have you got?

I thought Dugdales
didn't negotiate with t*rrorists.

No, this isn't so much a negotiation
as a capitulation, so, how much?

Half a mil.

Honey, I could kiss you.

Couldn't punch him in the face?
Not necessary now.

We do some online banking
and then we're finished.

Well, I have to get my PIN number
from my purse up in my room.

Look after her, Sergei.

Make sure
she doesn't try anything funny.

OK. Come with me. Up.

OK, they're taking Catherine away
now. What do we do?


And when necessary, termination
of thr*at with extreme prejudice.

Stay behind me at all times, OK?

Now is not the time
to play movie hero.

This isn't White House Down.

That's right,
none of us are rabbits or have ESP.

I think he's thinking
of Watership Down.

(Siren blares)

It's like a siren and a flashing
light mean nothing anymore.

(Siren whoops)

Back up, back up.
(Sighs) God.

What are these guys doing?!

They have faster dial-up
in mountains of Estonia.

Bloody NBN rollout. I told them.

Your book on this?
My memoirs? Yes, yes, they are. Why?

I see on desktop,
I have a quick skim.

What did you think?
Needs a stronger third act.

Interesting, interesting.

(Whispers) So, what's the difference
between White House Down

and Olympus Has Fallen?

(Whispers) In White House Down,

it's the Secretary of State
that takes over the White House,

and in Olympus Has Fallen,
it's the North Koreans.

(Gasps) Oh, my God, they've k*lled
the tennis instructor.

Come on. Come on!

When are you gonna let us go?
My son needs to go to the toilet.

I don't anymore, Mum.
Oh, for...

We go when transfer of funds
is complete.

Assuming we have first
not all died of old age!

If they'd voted me back in,
we'd would've had optical fibres -

no nodes, Mbps just like the US.

No doubt perfect for data mining.
No, no, we never did data mining.

Tell that to East Timor.
Well, we... Hey, we tried.

(Speaks in Russian)

This yours?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's ours.

You own and not lease back
from charitable trust?

No, we own that. It's probably the
only thing in the place we do own.

It is Marc Chagall, yes?

Yes. Yes, you have a very good eye.

Yes, that's very valuable.
It's original?

Yes, yes, a very early work,

but still quite priceless.

(Both speak in Russian)

We estimate value of Chagall
approximately money you owe us.

We propose we take painting

in lieu of paralysed snail
internet transfer of funds.

Oh, what? Oh...

Well, OK,
assuming it's alright with my wife.

Oh, it does have
great sentimental value.

I wouldn't push it.

Why are Gaga and Poppa
giving my present to the man?

Uh, Gaga and Poppa
love your present, sweetie.

It's just...
We'll talk about it later.

Yeah, present.

Yeah, it's our wedding anniversary,
and God bless him,

the little boy went all the way
down to the auction house

to pick it out himself.

You must love your grandparents
very much.


Yes, he does.

Yeah, you know, just occurred to me,

I think... thinking about it,
I think my wife is right,

this has great sentimental value.

I think you better take the money.

I think they better take the money.

I think they better take that money,

You look at this picture there

of that couple flying
over the rooftops there,

that's... that's us,
isn't it, that's us?

That picture is a perfect
representation of our marriage.

It's, uh, frightening at times,
yet we're able to rise above it,

but the journey's not over yet,
is it?

I guess not.

Well, if you're sure.
Yeah, I don't see we have a choice.

We wouldn't give this picture up
for the world.

(Siren blares in the distance)

(Speaks in Russian)
We go.

When transfer is complete, we
telephone where to find your friend.

Sure, that's great,
but my book is on there.

If you leave the laptop,

we promise we won't
cancel the transfer, will we?

No, no, not at all.

I take with me. Fingerprints
on keyboard not so good for me.

No, no, we... we...

(Siren blares)

You're worried about noise?
We pulled up with the siren on.

Well, don't just stand there, Sonny,
get them a ladder.

Sonny will get you a ladder.

What was that for?
Oh, for proving me wrong.


And that is for proving that I made
the right decision years ago.

(Catherine giggles)

(Laptop chimes)

Wi-fi coverage for your property
is excellent. Transfer complete.

You can have book back.
Oh, good.

MYLES: Drop it, Boris!

Don't tell him to drop it.
He's holding my laptop!

Don't slap a man
when he's holding a g*n, Ellen.

It's dangerous.

sh**t at three o'clock!
Drop it, mate.

No, no, no, I'm one of you.

Ivan, the book.
Drop the w*apon!

Don't forget,
you need a more dramatic ending.

FEMALE COP: Drop it!
It's containment until you arrived.

I was just...


(Muffled screaming, water bubbling)



(Bubbling stops)

You do back up your work, don't you?
ELLEN: I do, yes.

Good news is I did it
just after our last session.

The bad news is
I left the USB in the laptop.

This one?


(g*n, parrots squawking)

To fresh beginnings, a future
filled with hope and the realisation,

late in life, that no man
is a failure who has friends.

ALL: L'chaim!

I too would like to make a toast.
Oh, God.

So, I call on you
to charge your glasses

as we drink to one of the finest men
who ever lived,

Andy Dugdale.

It's really not necessary, Curtis.
More wine!

ALL: More wine!
No, there's no more wine, alright?

One bottle doesn't last too long
with eight people.

Then get some more from the cellar,
you scabby old bastard!

(Catherine laughs)

Only kidding.

You know I love you, Duggy,
you old fish.

Thank you.

Maybe one more bottle, darling.
Just for Curtis.

What about that ' Grange
that Barry O'Farrell sent you?

Sure, about time
we got rid of the evidence.

(Chuckles) Apricot.

Come on, Sonny, you're better
at choosing wine than I am.






Let me try.

(Groans) What?

You're fired.

It's about time I started
working on my marriage.

Although, could you tell Catherine?
It's better coming from you.

Leave it with me.

What were we doing?

Yes, yes, yes, yes.
I must work on my memory too.

HENRY: Hello?



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