So Andrew just has to sign this,
- and he's completely free?
- That's correct, Carmen.
He no longer is an employee
of the Tangiers
nor in debt to the casino.
So he wants to close the theater
and open up a restaurant?
That, and he hates you.
Yeah, he saw your act,
and he... he hated it.
"Disgusted" is the word that he used.
Wants nothing to do with you.
You know what? f*ck him.
I'm not signing it.
Are you sh1tting me? Andrew,
this is what you wanted.
This contract is terrible for you.
- This is your out.
- No.
No. You know what? Make him sign it.
He did. It's... It's right here.
This is a release that requires
both party signatures.
Andrew, sign the contract,
not just because it's
the right thing for now,
but because f*ck this guy.
f*ck him, right?
Yeah. Just sign the contract.
Dice.
[LAUGHS] And, whoop,
there it is. [CHUCKLES]
Uh, who are you again?
Uh, hello.
I'm Russell Patterson,
Dice's old manager.
- Also his new manager.
- [BRIONI] Oh.
Yeah, you see, he used to be
my manager, and now he's back.
Now we're both back,
'cause once people know
that Andrew Dice m*therf*cking
Clay is back in business,
oh, well, the offers are going
to come rolling in.
Oh, yeah, you kidding? Do some arenas.
Bang out another movie.
It'll be like again.
Why can't it be like ?
Like, maybe this could be a time
to do something
a little different, maybe.
Oh, it is gonna be different...
different numbers of zeros
on the back end of my paycheck.
- Oh!
- [IMITATES expl*si*n]
Please don't fist-bump
in front of my face.
[DICE] Carmen, let's go inside,
and let's celebrate.
Let's hit the tables.
- Let's gamble. Let's drink.
- You want to celebrate ending
- a gambling debt by gambling?
- You heard Russell.
Money's not gonna be a problem.
The offers are gonna come rolling in.
- What are you worried about?
- I hope so.
Hey, let's see if he's right.
- Come on. Let's do it.
- No, I don't want to do it.
Come on. I'm superstitious about it.
- Why?
- It's bad luck.
And it's a bunch of bullshit.
Which is it, bad luck or bullshit?
It's both.
- I don't care. I'm doing it. Hi.
- Hi.
I'd like to get my fortune told.
Your hand?
I see a good year.
I see your finances are looking up.
I see that you are gonna
get a lot of recognition
that you've really been wanting.
And a rift between your parents
is gonna be healed.
Oh. It's good.
That's everything I wanted.
Wonderful. Thank you.
Carm, I could have predicted that.
I mean, Andrew, you go.
If you can't trust
a white woman in tapestries,
- who can you trust?
- It's just a shirt.
- All right. Do me.
- Do it.
- All right. Just do it. Do it.
- Okay.
[CLEARS THROAT] Your hand?
Well, I see a really good year
for you as well.
I see you selling out
Madison Square Garden.
Madison Square Garden, I'm gonna
sell that out again?
That's amazing.
I see you making an album,
some sort of album.
It's gonna go platinum.
And, apparently, you're on
the "Arsenio Hall Show."
Honey, I already did all these things.
That's your past?
Okay, this is...
This is so bizarre.
- This is weird.
- What?
- This has never happened to me.
- I-I don't get it.
I don't see a future.
What I see is you're alive,
but just... nothing is happening.
What do you mean, nothing's happening?
It's... not about death.
It's just a nothing.
Nothing?
- Nothing.
- Let's...
This is bullshit. Let's go.
This is stupid.
Now it's bullshit?
♪♪
Oh!
♪♪
[AUDIENCE CHANTING]
Dice, Dice, Dice, Dice, Dice, Dice!
Top of the world, Ma.
♪♪
- [CELLPHONE RINGS]
- [DICE] Russell, what's up?
What do you got for me?
Oh, yeah, sure. Write it down.
Dicks and pussies,
one, two, three, four.
- Talk to you later, dog.
- [CELLPHONE BEEPS]
What'd he want?
Oh, uh, he wanted to use
my iTunes account.
I had to give him the password.
Was "cocks and c**ts" already taken?
Yeah.
What about his job
of getting you opportunities?
Oh, he said, just, uh,
you know, sit tight.
Chill out.
What are you gonna do today?
- What?
- Write some new jokes.
Paint the fence. Something.
Just don't Google yourself, okay?
Yeah, no, I'm gonna do things.
Yeah. Good idea.
[CY DUNE] ♪ Dig, dig, dig ♪
♪ They leave your secrets in the sand ♪
♪♪
Yeah, so she says to me
that she don't see anything
for me in my future.
sh*t.
If there's nothing for you,
what does that mean for me?
[SCOFFS] It means you better
worry, Shake.
- This affects the both of us.
- [MAN] Here you go, guys.
- Thanks a lot, pal.
- You got it.
When I left Brooklyn, I never thought
I'd get good pastrami again.
Are you kidding?
Are you f*cking kidding me?
Who is it?
Frank Rozanski.
Used to stalk me, remember?
Oh. sh*t, yeah. I remember him.
He used to break into your house.
And eat my peanut butter.
He used to rearrange your shoes.
- sh*t. You sure it's him?
- Am I sure?
After a guy sniffs your underwear,
you don't forget his face.
I had to take out a restraining order
on this f*cking guy.
Should we tip outta here
before he sees us?
No, no, no, no. f*ck him.
What, you think
he don't know we're here?
[BIG BAND MUSIC PLAYING OVER P.A.]
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS]
How you doing, Frank?
Oh, my God. Dice, what...
what... what are you doing here?
You've got some f*cking
pair of balls on you.
- What are you doing here?
- No, my question is,
the f*ck are you doing here?
- I-I work here.
- I know what you're doing.
You're stalking me. Isn't that
what you're doing here?
No, I work here. I...
I-I swear, I'm not...
I'm not stalking you.
I-I moved to Las Vegas,
and I work here now.
Oh, yeah? You know
that this is my borough.
You know that this
is my favorite grocery
with my favorite deli.
Dice, I swear I'm not
that guy anymore, okay?
And I am sorry for those things
I did, but that's over.
Besides, you're jumping to
a lot of conclusions here.
Yeah, I'm the one
that batshit f*cking crazy,
but you're holding a box cutter, right?
- Well, it... it's for work.
- [WOMAN ON PA] Price check.
We need a price check
on Reynolds Wrap aluminum foil.
Oh. That... that's me. Look, Dice,
I'm not that guy anymore, okay?
I got to go.
I'm warning you, Frank,
stay feet away from me.
Stay away from my family, Frank,
- you f*cking cocksucker!
- O-okay.
How you doin'?
- [DOOR OPENS]
- Andrew, should we be worried?
When the whole thing happened years ago,
I had to take out
a restraining order on this guy.
Yeah, but he says
he's not stalking you anymore.
Carmen, well, what's he gonna say,
"I am stalking you,"
"I'm going to waiting in the bathtub
with a machete"? What the f*ck is he...
Maybe he should ring the front bell.
Okay, if that's true, I'm
calling the police right now.
No, no, no, no, no.
You don't... You don't get it.
In Brooklyn, you don't call police.
I'm pretty sure people
in Brooklyn call the police.
No, not on these kind of things.
You handle it yourself.
I got brass knuckles.
That's all you need.
Okay. I think I know what this is about.
Have you talked to Russell yet?
Has there been any news?
- News?
- Yeah,
like, is he doing his job?
Is he getting you offers?
You know? What's the next step
in your career?
I don't have time
to worry about a career
when we got to deal with an ex-stalker.
Sounds like you want him
to try something on you.
No, no. I'm the nicest guy in the world.
I'm just saying,
if this guy comes for me,
I'll be waiting.
[SINISTER MUSIC PLAYING ON TV]
♪♪
[LOUD CLATTER AND RATTLING IN DISTANCE]
[DOG BARKING IN DISTANCE]
All right.
[LAUGHS] Batter up.
[LEAVES RUSTLING]
♪♪
- [TOILET PAPER THUDS]
- Jesus, Dice!
You come to my place last night?
No, I didn't.
- You didn't come to my place?
- No.
Frankie, what gives?
- You in, or you out?
- In or out? What?
[MUZAK PLAYING OVER P.A.]
All right. Meet me over there.
- I got to do this.
- I got to talk to you.
- Come over here.
- I'm... [GROANS]
You know, I can't figure you out.
I mean, where were you last night?
All I did last night was stay at home
and watch the playoffs.
- Oh, really?
- Dice, I told you,
I've moved on with that part of my life.
Frankie, it's me you're
talking to, Dice, right?
The subject of
your relentless obsession.
That was forever ago.
I mean, I was going through some stuff.
All right? It was a weird time.
But I happened upon
a very committed
and affordable life coach,
and together we worked
through my issues,
mainly those pertaining to my mother
and my love of Catcher In the Rye
and my irrational fear of Velcro.
I came to realize something, Dice.
I don't want to live in anymore.
Whoa, whoa. What was wrong with ?
I had homicidal tendencies.
I don't got to tell you.
You were there. I was a mess.
But... I evolved.
Evolved?
Go ahead. Enlighten me.
Enlighten me. How did you evolve?
Uh, I-I don't know, Dice.
I'm just a guy that works at Fields.
I enjoy cooking and watching
anything with Kate McKinnon in it.
Do you like Kate McKinnon?
- Who?
- She's hilarious.
I'm kind of obsessed with her.
- I got to watch.
- [WOMAN ON P.A.] Price check.
Need a price check on
Bush's Best Baked Beans.
Ah. My work is never done.
Frank, what... what happened to you?
I got better. Good to see you.
You got to see my shows these days.
- Okay.
- Beyond belief.
Frank, really, Kate McKinnon?
I gotta go price check these beans.
It's not like I got to be here.
I'm the busy one.
I'm not gonna lie.
It's, uh, it's been slow.
Yeah, you're telling me.
Andrew's just sitting at home
focusing on some stalker
from years ago.
Who? Don't tell me Frank Rozanski?
Ha! No sh*t. Well, how's old Frankie?
How's old Frankie?
He's working in a grocery
right down the block from me,
where I get my pastrami.
Ha! Yeah, that's classic Rozanski.
[LAUGHS] Man, that dude is crazy.
Like... like, hanging all
your pictures up and then...
and cut out all the eyeballs out crazy.
- Yeah.
- [LAUGHS]
Remember all the sh*t
he used to send you?
Yeah, it would come
with my fan mail, right?
It'd be, like, girls' panties,
girls' panties, and then a Kn*fe
through a cow's heart.
You were always getting
panties in the mail.
What'd you do with all those panties?
I got 'em all. I keep it in storage.
Wait, that's why we're paying
$ a month for a storage unit?
- [PHONE RINGING IN DISTANCE]
- [EXHALES]
Can we just get back to talking
about Andrew's career, please?
Look, it's all good. Dice is an icon.
- Icon.
- It's just gonna take a while
for people to know
that he's back on the market.
And besides, yesterday was Wednesday.
- Wednesday is a hump day and...
- Hump day.
So nobody makes calls on a Wednesday.
Okay, well, what about today?
Do people make calls today?
Today is Thursday,
and Thursday is the new Friday,
and... and once Friday rolls around,
everybody's working for the weekend.
- Yeah, great song. [LAUGHS]
- Good song. [LAUGHS]
[IMITATES GUITAR PLAYING]
Russell is a terrible manager.
Terrible? He's the worst.
But I can't fire him.
I'm his only client.
If I fire him,
he winds up doing
construction full-time.
Listen, I know this is hard on you,
but if you're not careful,
you're gonna be
doing construction with him.
Everything's gonna be fine, Carmen.
Hey, you wanted me to work
on my career, right?
Yeah.
I'm gonna build a career.
Let's see what we got.
I think this guy d*ed.
This one, too. Slept with her.
Sort of burnt that bridge.
I think I owe this guy
a Chrysler LeBaron.
Oh, wait a minute. Matt Dillon.
- Matt Dillon? I'll take that.
- No, no, no. Sit down.
- Just give it to me.
- Sit... Get outta here.
You win.
- Always looking to get me angry.
- [LAUGHS]
Hey, I just got your message.
I had my phone off.
Why would you have your phone off?
Oh, I was working. I was finishing this,
my movie script.
"Man With the Fingerless Glove."
k*ller title, Shake.
Swear to God, I though
you were illiterate.
You wrote a script?
Yeah, every since Dice told me
about the fortune-teller
and how we have no future,
really put a fire under my ass.
Anyway, I based the lead role
on you, and read it.
Let me know what you think about it.
- I can't read it.
- Wait, Andrew.
Why can't you read a script?
All right. This is showbiz talk.
You got to understand.
When somebody's as big as myself,
you have no time to read it.
You understand?
That's how it's supposed to be.
- Oh.
- Shake, if I read this script,
it's like a "f*ck you"
to both of us, you follow?
But congratulations.
Kid, welcome to Hollywood.
- Thanks.
- And if anybody asks,
you're months out from production.
Sort of gives the film momentum.
By the way, I heard we got
a visit from Frank Rozanski.
No. No, he's not someone
that any of us need
to spend another second
thinking about. Right, Andrew?
You know, I think Carmen's right.
I think the guy's just trying to evolve.
I don't buy it.
I don't buy it for a second.
- He's playing the long game.
- Oh, Jesus Christ, Milkshake,
would you please not encourage him?
Let the man talk. What...
what... what do you mean,
he's playing the long game?
People don't evolve like this degenerate
would have you believe, okay?
It's like my cousin Vinny.
- The movie?
- What movie?
"My Cousin Vinny."
I don't know what the f*ck
you're talking about.
I'm talking about my cousin
Vinny on my mother's side.
He used to get off
on flashing pregnant women.
All right? He'd open his coat.
There'd you'd be,
shopping at the pickle store,
all right? He was a nice guy otherwise.
It was a little compulsion
of his, all right?
He was the first time he got caught.
They sent him upstate.
He turns , I get a letter.
Cousin Vinny's back out on the street.
First pregnant woman he sees, boom,
pickle store is open for business again.
They send him back upstate...
[IMITATES ELECTRICAL BUZZ]
They do that to him.
years later,
he's back out on the street.
First pregnant woman he sees,
what do you think happens?
Boom! Pickle store's open for business.
Do you see what... see where I'm going?
- Yeah, I do.
- See where I'm going here?
I know where I'm going.
I'm going to work.
Okay? I suggest you do the same.
Why don't you write a joke?
- All right. Yeah.
- Here.
She doesn't understand.
The pickle store is open for business.
- You got your car?
- I got my car.
♪♪
This is it. The one with the flamingos.
How did you even track down
this psycho's address?
I got a friend with the Internet.
You wait here.
Let me go check things out.
♪♪
- Shrewd move, Dice.
- Take that.
I want to know everything
Frank Rozanski's been up to.
Frankie sure likes his Burger Hut.
I have two more receipts
from Burger Hut.
Dice, look out. Get down!
Not too close, Shake.
Come on.
Where's this f*cking guy going?
♪♪
Look at this guy.
The guy's just sittin' there,
eatin' a burger, sippin' a Coke.
What is that?
Maybe he knows we're tailing him.
No, no, no, no, no.
He don't know nothin'.
How's a guy go from being so obsessed
to not being obsessed, you know?
- It don't make sense to me.
- Hey, can I help you guys?
With what?
You're just lying behind a bush.
- It's weird.
- Yeah, so? I pay my taxes.
I paid for this place.
You didn't pay for Supplies N Demand.
If I want to sit behind a f*cking bush,
I'll sit behind a f*cking bush.
- Are you Andrew Dice Clay?
- No.
Are you sure?
All right. Yeah, so?
Cool. So what you been up to,
new material or anything?
What's the f*cking difference
what I'm up to?
Would you just walk the f*ck away?
I'm doing somethin'.
We're not breaking any rules.
It's not after hours.
We're just two grown men
sitting in the grass behind a bush
in front of Supplies N Demand.
That's right. So what's
your f*cking problem?
No problem, just seeing
what you guys were up to.
Well, now you know,
so why don't you go inside
and, what, sell a f*cking desk
or something? Get outta here.
Used to play your CD all the time.
Yeah? Good for you.
f*cking tough guy. Get up. f*ck this.
What are we doing here?
This is ridiculous.
Guy's not obsessed with me.
Carmen's right. He don't care no more.
He's forgotten all about me.
This is stupid.
- You see what I see?
- f*ck, yeah, I see that.
He's wearing the "Dice Rules"
tour jacket.
I knew he was f*cking up to something.
Yeah. I got you, m*therf*cker.
♪♪
[LOWERED VOICE] Come on. Come on.
You sure about this?
Act natural, like we belong.
We're just hanging out, walking around.
[CREAKING]
Help me.
You're all right.
You're all right. You got it.
- [THUD]
- Uhh!
The f*ck is this guy up to?
♪♪
- [SPRITZES]
- [SNIFFS]
Hey, Dice. You better check this out.
What? What?
That's Intimately Beckham.
- So?
- No, it's not that.
- It's everywhere. [SNIFFS]
- Okay, so?
He puts this cologne on everything. See?
His underwear? [SNIFFS]
You know, I got to tell you.
Nice aroma.
Dice! The f*ck are you doing?
- It...
- [DRAWER CLOSES]
It's not what you think, Frank.
- Oh, really?
- Yeah.
It looks to my like
you're sniffing my underwear.
Don't... Tell him... Don't try to
turn this around on me.
I know you still got a hard-on for me.
I don't have a hard-on for you.
Oh, really? [CHUCKLES]
Then why you still
wearing my tour jacket?
I'll tell you why.
Because you can't let it go.
No! Because it's a nice jacket.
Now, please, I just wanna be left alone.
Okay. I'll admit, man to man,
I might have sniffed your underwear.
But I know you're still
obsessed with me.
And if you don't back off,
I'm going to unleash the works on you.
Do you understand that?
Let's get outta here, Shake.
I think you get my point.
- Okay.
- We're leaving. [SNIFFS]
Just to be clear,
Dice is leaving now because it's late,
and he's got to go home.
But, you know, he's not...
We're leaving your house physically,
- but in a larger...
- He knows what we mean.
- Okay, all right.
- You understand, right, Frank?
Yeah, I know exactly what you said.
- Good. Don't...
- You're nuts!
Keep your jacket, Frankie.
I got... I got a hat. You got a jacket.
I got a hat. Look at me now.
Get out! f*ck!
♪♪
[SIGHS]
- Hey.
- Hey.
- How was your day?
- Pretty good, pretty good.
Anything interesting happen?
I was at the candy store.
- Oh, that's it?
- Milkshake.
Ah. Yeah, why are there
two police officers
- sitting in our kitchen?
- What?
Ah, there he is. I'm Detective Beyer.
- This is Detective Cavanaugh.
- We are huge fans.
- Yeah.
- Could I get a picture?
Oh, yeah, come on.
Please, please, please.
So, uh, this is a tough break, Dice,
but, uh, we're here to serve you
a restraining order.
- Restraining order?
- [CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS]
Oh, yeah. By court order,
you are hereby required
to stay at least feet away
from one Francis Rozanski
or be subject
to fines and incarceration.
- What...
- Ah. Do you mind
if I get a picture, too? Please?
Oh, that'd be great.
Thank you. Yeah, right over
here. Please, please.
- Right there. Right there.
- What?
[CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS]
Oh, that's great. Thank you so much.
No, you... you guys don't get it.
He's the sicko. He's the sicko, not me.
Look, I got proof.
[SNIFFS] Intimately Beckham!
- You stole the man's underwear?
- Look, I'm sorry, Dice,
but according to the State of Nevada,
that sicko has been rehabilitated.
And he has the same rights
as anyone else.
Look. You want our advice?
Stay the f*ck away from the guy.
[SINISTER MUSIC PLAYING]
Frankie. Hey, what are you doing?
It's me, Dice.
I just want to talk, Frank.
Okay. Uh, cool. Uh, give me a sec, okay?
Yeah, sure. No problem.
[CHAIN LOCK CLACKS]
No, no, no, no.
- Frank!
- Aah!
- Uhh!
- I just wanna talk!
[GRUNTING]
Want to talk! Relax!
- I'm not gonna hurt you.
- You promise?
- Yes.
- Do you promise?
- I promise.
- [EXHALES DEEPLY]
- [GRUNTS]
- Are you f*cking stupid?
You could have choked me to death.
[BREATHING HEAVILY]
Look, I know I brought this on myself.
But you could have gave me a heads-up
on the restraining order.
Did you give me a heads-up
when you filed
a restraining order on me?
You were trying to stuff me
in a trash compactor.
It's different.
- Yeah.
- I got to tell ya,
you know, hanging with you again,
it makes me feel like
my old self, you know?
- I get that.
- [INHALES SHARPLY]
[SIGHS]
Maybe it's time we move on, though?
This way, I can come into Fields
and get my pastrami the way I need it.
Nice and fatty,
served on rye, extra mustard.
- You remembered.
- I remember a lot.
- The smell of your socks.
- Oh, my socks?
I never bought a sock under thread,
- just for your information.
- I loved that about you.
Hey... Can I show you something?
This... is a set of yours
from the store in that I recorded.
- Really?
- It was one of those early sets.
There was so much energy in the room.
I mean, it'll make the hair
on your arms stand up.
- Wow.
- And, uh...
it was one of those nights,
never heard before, never heard again.
And, uh... I thought
you'd like to have it.
Wow.
You'll always have a shrine
to me, won't you, Frankie?
Actually, I was just cleaning
out these storage boxes.
Let's not, uh, ruin a great moment.
Okay.
[HORN HONKS]
[TAPE PLAYER CLACKS]
[LAUGHTER]
[DICE] But I love tits.
Tits are wonderful.
[LAUGHTER]
You see, what a tit actually is,
for those of you that don't know,
it's like a big bowl of Jell-O
with a layer of skin over it.
[WOMAN LAUGHS]
And the magic of these things are,
is you touch 'em, and they shake.
And you get a hard-on. [LAUGHS]
You learn to adapt to the hard-on.
You learn to control it,
especially that morning hard-on.
I'll put that up against
a f*cking Ginsu Kn*fe any day,
- you know?
- [LAUGHING]
Yeah, it'll dice. It'll slice.
It'll make f*cking
julienne potatoes, yeah.
- [RECORDING STOPS]
- [EXHALES DEEPLY]
It was really funny.
I got in so much trouble for this sh*t.
[LAUGHS]
It's crazy. [INHALES SHARPLY]
Babe, I don't know
what's going on with me.
You know...
I was never worried
for one moment of my life, ever.
And here I am,
listening to this
-something-year-old kid
-some-odd years ago,
and I'm thinking, like, where'd he go?
Where the f*ck did he go?
Does he sound worried?
That kid... he was unbelievable.
And I know that, Carmen,
because I was that guy.
Why are you laughing?
Are you serious?
I'm listening to that kid,
and I'm hearing a Dice
that doesn't know sh*t.
You think he's walking around
'cause he's so confident.
It's because he's terrified inside.
But you, Andrew,
you faced life.
♪♪
And you know my boobs
aren't Jell-O, right?
♪♪
[CLANK]
[ELECTRICITY POWERS DOWN]
[SWITCH CLICKS]
♪ I walk up to heaven or hell ♪
♪ And break down the gates ♪
♪ Mm-hmm, mm-hmm ♪
♪ And if the Devil
got something to sell ♪
♪ I won't ask for change ♪
♪ Mm-hmm, mm-hmm ♪
♪ 'Cause, babe, I'm looking around ♪
♪ Ain't a man here worth the crown ♪
♪ I'm a warrior ♪
♪♪
♪ I'm a warrior ♪
♪♪
♪ This w*r was made for a warrior ♪
♪♪
♪ Ain't no pain if you look ahead ♪
- ♪ Eyes locked on the trains ♪
- ♪ Mm-hmm ♪
02x02 - Big Fan
"Dice" follows Andrew Dice Clay twenty-five years after his heyday as he tries to mount a comeback. Dice works to pay off gambling debts, help his sons, and keep his relationship in tact, all while remaining as controversial as ever.