02x07 - The Trial

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Dice". Aired: April 2016 to October 2017.
"Dice" follows Andrew Dice Clay twenty-five years after his heyday as he tries to mount a comeback. Dice works to pay off gambling debts, help his sons, and keep his relationship in tact, all while remaining as controversial as ever.
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02x07 - The Trial

Post by bunniefuu »

Did you read the box?

It says, uh...

how to make four or six of these things,

but I-I only want one.

One pancake?

- Yeah, just one.
- Okay.

So if you want to make one pancake,

I suggest you adjust the
recipe to / cup of flour.

- / cup?
- Mm-hmm.

I don't have one of those.

Come on. You're the
representative of the pancakes.

Okay, um... You know what? Maybe
you can make some extra pancakes

and give them to your friends.

I don't really have any friends!

You don't know what's going on in my life!


if you have any other
pancake-related questions,

feel free to call back.

Can you tell me how to turn the heat down?

This thing's, like,
impossible to figure out.

Are you seriously calling me to find out

how to turn down the thermostat?

You're saying it like I'm an idiot,

but the thing is, uh,
you know, it says, "Cool,"

and when I touch this other thing, it...





Uh, Dice.


Look, I know you're mad at
me about that whole thing,

but I'm calling about something else.

Oh, yeah? What's that?

You know when we went to see

Still Rebel open up the Ozzfest?

- Uh-huh.
- We had those little battery-operated fans

for when it got, like, real hot.

Would you know where those are?

Just because we're in a fight,
I'm not gonna be an assh*le.

They're in the top drawer
of your desk in your office,

on the left-hand side.

Thank you. I really appreciate that.

You see, you're really a good friend.

- We're not friends.
- I know. I know.

Well, we're about to start sh**ting here,

so I got to get off the phone, okay?

I'm really, like, busy, too.


Dice, Dice, Dice, Dice, Dice, Dice!

Top of the world, Ma.


Yeah, Russell.

I just got a check for a
half a million dollars.

So what do I do?

What should you do?! Cash it!

Right now?

When someone sends you a check
for a half-million dollars,

you cash it and cash it quick.

You're right. You're right. I'm goin'.

Don't walk to the bank, run!

You got Dice.

Hey, Dice! Yakov here!

- How you doing?
- I'm in Laos.

We should get some dinner.

Yakov, slow down.

Where the f*ck is Laos?

I don't know.

It's somewhere near Thailand.

But who cares, as long as
they're paying us, right?

- Paying us for what?
- What do you mean? Your show tonight.

I just saw the marquee on
the theater. It's beautiful.

"Andrew Dice Clay tonight, live!"

Laos, Thailand,

I don't know what the
f*ck you're talking about.

Call me when you get
back to town, all right?

I'd love to see you.

So no dinner?

- What's goin' on, Dawg?
- How you doing?

- Hey.
- How you doin', sweetheart?

Scotty, get the f*ck...
You crazy f*ck, you.

"Nasal Tone"!

Get over here.

How are you?

- Hey, Dawg.
- Hey.



Get over there. How you doin'?

So, I'm pumped.

I haven't been able to do a show all week.

Dice. What's up?


- How you doing?
- How's it going?

- Good, good. Uh...
- Good house?

- It's a great crowd.
- I'm so pumped.

Maybe I'll start with
some of the older stuff,

like why'd the monkey fall from the tree?

- It was d*ad.
- Okay.

Why'd the second monkey fall?

Monkey see, monkey do.

Why'd the third monkey fall?

- Also d*ad.
- Peer pressure.

- Oh! Not "also d*ad."
- All right.

Listen, man, we got a problem.

Yeah, something I haven't
actually dealt with before,

but, um, we... we got
a cease-and-desist order.

What... what does that even mean?

It means there's no show
tonight. You can't go onstage.

W-What are you talking about?

This thing came, all right,

and, uh, went to all
the club owners in Vegas,

went to all the club
owners around the country.

Apparently, something in your act

is infringing on some trademarked material.

- Take this.
- Look, I'm sorry, man. You're my friend.

Well, who's doing this?

Some guy named Gary Yang.

And here's the thing, I can't mess around

with a cease-and-desist, Dice,
especially one from China.

It's a no-win for me, it's
a no-win for the casino,

it's a no-win for the Laugh Factory.

So what am I gonna do here?

- I do have an idea.
- What?

You're just not allowed
to be Dice anymore onstage,

but you can be other people.

What if you're just Andrew?

No jacket, no cigarettes, no gloves.

- I'll take your glasses.
- Touch the glasses,

- I'll chop your f*ck' hands off.
- Right.

Just trying to find a loophole.

What the f*ck are we gonna do, man?

Why you getting comfortable?
You bring me bad news.

- Get out of here.
- All right.

- Walk out of here.
- All right.

Walk out the door.

Hey, hey, hey!

- Dice man.
- Hey. Dawg.

Hey. How you doing, man?

Sorry to keep you waiting.

Just on the phone with my guy in China.

What'd he have to say?

Well, um...

do you remember f*ring your old manager?

Yeah, of course.

Yeah, and, uh, remember
how pissed off he was?

Actually, he wasn't. He was
glad to get away from me.

No, no, no, no. No, he
was really, really mad.

- Really?
- Yeah.

The, uh, last piece of
business he did was, um...

he... he sold your name.

- What?
- He sold your name,

and for a big, fat finder's fee, I imagine.

He was a smart dude.

Who-Who'd he sell my name to?

Your name was bought
by a Chinese billionaire

named Gary Yang.

He purchased the rights
to the Dice character.

No offense to myself, but...

honestly, why would anybody do that?

Well, this is all hearsay,
but my guy over there says

that when Gary Yang grew up in rural China,

he spent all day watching one tape.

It was a tape that changed his world.

- Oh, the "Dice Rules."
- "Dice Rules."

Well, this tape meant
everything to young Gary Yang.

He didn't speak English,

but he fell in love
with you and your comedy.

In fact, he was the president
of your fan club in Asia.

Well, that's not a bad thing.

Cut to ,

and Gary Yang is a wealthy billionaire.

And he purchased Andrew Dice Clay.

It's not a thing.

You can't just buy a name like that.

I feel you, but you know
how billionaires are.

They're just gonna buy whatever they want.

So he's got a bunch of
theaters in Southeast Asia,

and he needs to put
product in those theaters.

And so he wants Andrew Dice Clay.


I, uh, looked this up here on the Web.

Andrew Dice Clay from
last night in Cambodia.

You got to do it when they're not lookin'.

You got to just slip it in like, "Boop!"

I'm over here now.

I was over there, and now I'm over here.


The f*ck are you laughing at?!

That's funny shit.

This is bullshit, okay?

If the guy loves me so much,

why didn't he just fly
me out there to do a show?

That's what I was saying.

But he's got seven performances
a night, simultaneously,

all across Southeast Asia.

Listen, I can't hear this anymore.

You're my manager.

- Fix this problem.
- Mm-hmm.

- Or you get fixed.
- Well, listen, here's the thing.

Unfortunately, you triggered the deal

when you cashed the check.

You told me to cash the check!

Oh, can I help you?

Yeah, I'm looking for Milkshake.

- Who?
- Milkshake.

- Um...
- He's all right.

L-Let him in. He's okay.

You know what it's like?

It's like when Prince found out

the record company owned his name.

This guy was a tortured artist.

I'm a tortured artist.

Why can't people just back
off and let us do our thing?

Hey, Ron.

I just wanted to say thanks.
You wrote a great scene.

Well, thanks a lot,
Larry. I appreciate that.

Would you mind signing my
script? It would mean a lot to me.

Of course.

Oh, thanks, Ron.

Geez, Shake, I'm going out of
my mind from this whole thing.

I mean, if you're not
Milkshake and I'm not Dice,

- then who are we?
- Well, correct me if I'm wrong,

but I believe we're in a fight.

Shake, look, I really need help

with you with this name thing.

So you just came here to
talk about yourself. I get it.

No, I came here to talk
about Gary Yang, okay?

This guy says I'm fictional?

Let him say it to my face,

and I'll put my fake hand
right through his f*ck' head.

You really don't have
the ability to understand

what went down between us, do you?

Look, I'm sorry for that.

You don't even... You don't
know why you're sorry.

I'm not gonna bullshit
you. I am a little confused.

Look, just because you're deciding

that we're not in a fight

doesn't mean that we're
not in a fight, all right?

We're sh**ting now.

I got to get back to work.

Yeah, Russell?

- I've got news.
- Yeah, what?

Tell me about, uh, Gary,

Gary Yang, this assh*le.

Never mind Gary Yang.

I got a gig for you that you can do

without the gloves and without the jacket.

- Really?
- Yeah!

- Remember Monroe: The Musical?
- Yeah.

James Woods just dropped out,

and ABC wants Dice back!

But here's the best part.

They want you, but not
as Secretary of State.

They want you to play
Monroe, the President!

- You're kiddin'!
- Well, you've gone to all the rehearsals.

You know all the music already.

You are the guy who's
most qualified to jump in

and do the part right now.

Besides, you already got a
pay-or-play deal in place.

That's amazing! So, how much do I get paid?

Well, you already got paid,

so it's time for you to get played.



Carmen. I-It's me.

Listen, um, I know we're not
supposed to really be talking, but...

I got rehired on Monroe,

and I just needed to tell somebody.

Actually, I just needed to tell you.

Right now you're on the phone

with the President of the United States.

You're on with President Marilyn Monroe!

And let me tell you something, Carm.

You know I couldn't have
done this without you.

You know that, right?

You just don't get it, do you?

I supported you in everything you did.

I put your f*cking pants on in the morning.

Every day was all about you all the time,

but as soon as it was my
turn to get a little support,

you just go MIA.

You just didn't care.

No, I do care,

and I know how I messed up.

At least we're on the same page now.

Goodbye, Andrew.

Hey, Dice.

Woods. Hey.

- Bring it in.
- All right.

- Yeah.
- All right, all right!

- Come on.
- How you doing?

I'm okay.

I'm so sorry about all this, man.

I... You know, I don't...

I don't even know what I was thinking.

I can't even sing. You know that.

I mean, that I'd be doing a musical?

It was just crazy.

And all that other crap between us,

the Twelve and all that,
you are not a f*ck-o.

I am a f*ck-o.

Can you forgive me, Dice?

- Can you?
- Of course I forgive you.

Shit like this goes on all
the time in our business.

Hey, I-I'm glad you're doing it, though.

- Yeah?
- You know. Yeah.

I mean, the script wasn't really
enough for me, to be honest,

so it's all for the best.

I mean...

let's face it, you and I...

we are not song-and-dance men, okay?

The idea of us getting into
tights and doing this shit,

we'd look like a couple of assholes.

Yeah, well, you know...

But, you know, you're doing great.

You're gonna k*ll it.
I'm... I'm happy for you.

Yeah, thank you. Yeah, good.

And, uh, you know,

don't say, "MacBeth," in the theater.

It's bad luck.

Again, you're doing it.
You think I don't know

what you're doing? "Don't say, 'MacBeth'?"

I'm saying, "Don't say,
'MacBeth,' because it's bad luck."

The MacBeth thing doesn't bother me.

I believe in, like, the supernatural...

ghosts, goblins, even
seen some voodoo stuff

that would freak you the f*ck out.

- Mm.
- But this?

Theater's stupid.

Why would a ghost even care?

- Good. Good luck with that.
- Yeah.

- Okay?
- All right. f*ck you, Woods.

f*ck you, Dice. All right, buddy.

- I'll see you.
- All right.

- I'll see you.
- See... see you later.


Who ever thought this day would come, huh?

I'm gonna crush it with this.


Dawg, you can call me Dice.

Actually, I can't, and that's a problem.

Uh, Gary, can you just
give us a minute, please?

- What are you talking about?
- We just got word

we're not allowed to credit
you as Andrew Dice Clay.

Yeah, but it's not like
everybody doesn't know my face.

You think we're just gonna
credit you as Andrew Silverman?

- Silverstein.
- Well, in any case,

this is not what the network paid for.

We paid for a billboard
in Times f*ck' Square,

and we paid to put the
name Andrew Dice Clay on it,

not just some random person named Andrew.

There's a million
Andrews. There's one Dice.

Yeah, well, that I agree with.

I'm sorry, but we're
gonna recast the President.

- You're saying I'm fired?
- That's what I'm telling you, yeah.

You know what? f*ck you.

f*ck the network. f*ck everybody.

I'm gettin' out of here.

But before you go, uh,

Gary's gonna need the... the wig back.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

Yeah, I'll f*ck' mail it to him, okay?

Okay. And the shirt.

- f*ck you.
- And the brooch.

Dice, they can't buy
the likeness of the character

- if the character is who you are.
- Exactly!

As far as I'm concerned,
your mother gave birth,

she held you up, and said,

"There he is, my little Andrew Dice Clay."

It's not really the truth.

Truth's like a -year-old
gymnast, flexible.

All we got to do is we file an injunction

that'll allow you to continue
performing as Dice immediately

while we take our time
and build a legal case.

That's great. That's what I need.

So just sit tight for a month or so

until I get it in front of a judge.

No, no, no. A month? I don't have a month.

This thing goes next Friday night.

They want me to rehearse.
I got to be ready.

This show airs live, Sydney.

All right. I'll make some calls. Okay?

In the meantime, I suggest
you prepare a statement.

Make a statement.

Prepare a statement.

I'll make a statement.

Sydney, you're an animal.

Thanks for setting this up so quick.

Dice, we're gonna tear this
case a new assh*le, all right?

- You can count on me.
- Beautiful, beautiful.

Please rise!

The honorable Judge Smith is now presiding!

Aw, shit.

I got to go.

- What do you mean you got to go?
- I got to go.

This guy, he could throw me in contempt.

I have a history with this judge.

- What kind of history?
- I f... I f*cked his wife.

Dawg, you got to get your shit together.

Come on.

I'm a piece of shit, Dice, I really am.

I'm sorry. I got to go.

Where you going? You can't...

And good morning, ladies and gentlemen.

This hearing is now in session in the case

of Andrew Silverstein vs....

No, that's Andrew Dice Clay.

But you can call me Dice.

And where is your counsel?

Dice will be representing Dice.

All right.

Now, as stated in your filing

submitted to the state of Nevada,

the defendant seeks temporary injunction

to allow himself to perform
as Andrew Dice Clay...

Thank you guys for coming, really.

- Sydney subpoenaed us.
- Yeah, we had to come.

It's still a beautiful gesture.

It's not a gesture.
We're avoiding jail time.

Now will the defense please state his case?


Your Honor, ladies and
gentlemen of the jury...

This is a hearing. There is no jury.

So, uh, who do I talk to?

Please, there is no smoking in here.

- That's what I'm talkin' about, Judge.
- Mm-hmm.

Dice used to be Andrew Clay Silverstein,

nice Jewish kid from Brooklyn.

Worked in a grocery store.

Little old lady had her bags of groceries,

I'd carry it to the car for her.

I would open doors when
I had a date with a girl.

Things like that.

But then, as I grew up,

I saw that people aren't so nice.

I had to protect myself from the world.

Andrew Silverstein starts to disappear,

and the "Dice Man" walks the earth.

I mean, the shit I do... Here, look.

My best friend, Milkshake,

wrote a screenplay about my life.

And I went so berserk on his set,

they nearly had to close down production.

And my girl, my rock,

who's always been there for
me through thick and thin,

minute she has something special,

a ceremony celebrating her,

and where was I?

I forgot.

I'm sorry. I don't understand.

Andrew Silverstein wouldn't have forgot.

Andrew would've bought her flowers.

He would've wrote a beautiful card

and told her how much he
loves her, but, no, not Dice.

Dice forgot.

And I'm sorry for that.

That being said,

Ms. Carmen Fieri,

can you tell me

who missed that awards ceremony?

An assh*le?

Does that assh*le have a name,

and is he in this courtroom?

Yes, his name is Andrew Dice Clay.

Andrew Dice Clay.

I'm the assh*le.

In closing, Your Honor,

Dice will always

continue to f*ck things up

because, Your Honor, I am Dice.

I rest my case.

It's the opinion of this court that

even if this "Dice" persona
started out as a character,

over the years, the line
between character and person

has been indistinguishable.

This court rules in favor
of Andrew Silverstein,

and you are hereby allowed
to perform as Andrew Dice Clay

in any of the five
continents not named Asia.

Injunction granted.

Yes! Thank you! Thank you!

Shake, I really apologize.

Hey, don't worry about me.

We're good, buddy. We're good.

- Go catch up with Carmen there.
- Okay, okay.


Carmen. Wait up.

Look, um...

Nice performance. I told
you you're a great actor.

If there was anything in that room,

that was not acting.

I was telling you how I feel about you.



And I know I haven't treated you

exactly the way... the
way I should treat you.

Now I'm doing Monroe again.

Gonna make you proud.

I am proud.

Maybe, uh...

you know, I'll get you a ticket.

Andrew, y-you always know just what to say,

and then you draw me back in.

And then, the second you get comfortable,

you just go back to treating me like...

like someone who's not as important as you.

And I know a lot of that's on
me for allowing that to happen,

but I just... I can't... I'm sorry.

- I can't. I got to go.
- Babe. Babe.


Ladies and gentlemen,

welcome to the Tropicana Theater.

Please take your seats.
The show is about to begin.

Oh, there you are. We got to go.

- Come on, places! Everyone, places!
- I'm over here now.

Hey, Dice, are... are you ready?

I mean, I hope so

because there's gonna be like
million people watching,

and it's live. There's no second chances.



- Everything all right?
- I'm ready.

Ready? Great. Okay, so go... go k*ll 'em.

Dawg. Dawg.

- Let's do it.
- All right.

Ladies and gentlemen,

live from the Tropicana Hotel
& Casino in Las Vegas, Nevada,

performed in front of a live
Tropicana Theater audience

and beamed into millions
of homes around the world,

put your hands together for

Monroe: The Musical!

Who wrote their way to the top

And into your sov'reign hearts?

- ♪ Monroe
- ♪ That's right

Who wouldn't stop till he had

A proper Bill of Rights to impart?


You're looking at him, kid

His politics are steady

Madison, take a bow

Who's your founding daddy?

I'm the toast of the town

The name's James Monroe

From seashore to countryside

I'm your guide, Monroe

Monroe is the man

More than a doctrine

'Cause Monroe is the man

Who held down borders
while giving the order?

- ♪ Suck it, Spain
- ♪ Monroe

Commander of w*r, but also a lover

- ♪ Betty Ross knew I had game
- Shegetz!

Elected twice

Ran unopposed

I'm the guy all the guys chose

'Cause women

Weren't allowed to vote?

Come on. Chicks love me.

His politics are steady

Madison, take a bow

Who's your founding daddy?

I'm the toast of the town

Let history show

I'm much more than a doctrine

I'm the man

Carmen, we did it!

You speak a lot of truths, Mr. Monroe.

- What? Go back.
- Dice, we're still live.

Aw, f*ck me.
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