02x02 - Shutterbugged

[bunniefuu]

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

(ALARM RINGING)

(YELLS)

What was that for?

It is your fault we have
to eat here in the backyard

and miss a gourmet dinner with
the Lieutenant Governor and his wife.

Wait. Why is it my fault?

Do you remember what happened

when the Yangs
came over for dinner?

Louis...

take that off your fork
right now.

Right.

What? That was
a good look for her, right?

Besides, you want
to eat their fancy-pants food?

Donnie's going to be back
any second with the take-out.

You're comparing take-out

with a world-class feast
prepared by Chef Pierre?

Chef Pierre. Oui, oui, oui.

Chef Pierre. Oui, oui...

Let's go! Let's go!

No slacking
or I send you packing.

No, no, no!

Naughty, naughty!

I don't want to see faces
in my kitchen.

Oh, more faces!
Go! Leave! Leave!

Did you see that?

The guy hit me.

Oh, Steve, just remember
what tonight is all about.

We need to make
a good impression

on the Lieutenant Governor

so he'll support
your Family Care bill.

That's right, that's right.

Do you think it's okay that

-we have the kids eating outside?
-Honey?

Remember when
the Del Rubios came over?

This is how you do it.

I've had it done.

You scrape it with the nails.

Oh! It's good
they're outside.

They like take-out.

What the heck is that?

It's tofu.

Who wants an end cut?

Does it really matter?

We might as well
eat lawn clippings.

Oh, that reminds me.

What is tofu
without a little dried kelp?

Huh?

Check, please.

Oh, Louis, look.

Beluga caviar
and flaky pastries.

Oh, with onion garnish.

Louis?

Shh!

Oh, so that's why
he put in that doggy door.

Okay, people!

It is now time
to prepare the canard!

Let's go.

Lieutenant Governor Woods,
welcome.

Hello, Eileen.

Come in. Where's Dottie?

She'll be along shortly.

I was playing tennis.
She's playing racquetball.

I hope nobody's robbing the house.

(CHUCKLING)

(LAUGHING)

Dave, this is my husband,
Steve Stevens.

How do you do?
It's a pleasure.

I'm very excited

to tell you all about
my Family Care bill.

Oh, Eileen,
I know you're very passionate

about this new legislation

but I have a rule.

I never discuss politics
on an empty stomach.

It gives me gas.

Gives him gas.

I'm serious.

CHEF PIERRE:
Where is the canard?

Bring me the canard!

Thief! Thief!

Unbelievable!

You people lose

my canard? Huh? Huh!

I see faces!

I see no canard. Huh?

First, there is too much garlic
on the escargot! Huh?

Then the champignons are gooey!

What is going on, people?

Find my canard!

You want me to go crazy here?

You want me
to throw things around? Huh?

Come on! Look!

You people are fools, and slow!

You nincompoop!

Find my canard!

Faces! What is this face

at my feet? Huh?

What do you think
you are buffing?

A fine quality leather boot, sir.

Go! Get out of my kitchen!

Leave now!
I don't want to see you again!

Rodney!

Oh! This stuff

is tofu-licious.

Ren, you haven't
touched yours yet.

What's wrong?

I'm hoping it's going
to morph into a cheeseburger.

Hey, guys.

What did you bring?

Nothing. I couldn't
get near the stuff.

Then why do you have chocolate
smeared all over your face?

I don't know
how that got there.

How could you
be so selfish?

The reason why
we're out here

is because of you

and you couldn't even get
a little morsel of food?

I did, actually.

You like snails?

Escargot-- it's
a French delicacy.

Get out of here.

I found this
in Twitty's driveway.

(LAUGHS)

Prepare for pain!

You better run!

Donnie, I got your
gunk on my shoe!

That gunk is my dinner!

(LOUIS YELLING)

There's a duck
in our backyard, man.

Yeah, right, Louis,
I'm not going to fall

for that old "duck
in the backyard" routine.

(QUACKING)

(QUACKING)

(QUACKS)

Hey. Hey, duck.

No, no, no, no.
Don't touch him.

You don't know where those

webbed feet have been.

Hey, little dude.

His name is Seymour.

How do you know
his name is Seymour?

He just looks like
a Seymour, right?

You going to give
Uncle Donnie a kiss?

Oh! Hey, man, for no lips,
you kiss pretty good.

Oh, gosh.

What?

It's your turn.

No. I don't do
duck kisses, okay?

Just a quick peck.

He likes you. Go ahead.

Get his wings. You got him?

Yes. He's very cute.

Yes, you are. You're so cute!

Yes, you are. You're so...
(CRUNCHING)

(SCREAMING)

Oh, my God!

Ow! Ow!

Are you okay?

Yeah, I think so, it's just
my nose is a little...

Did the big, mean lady hurt you?

There is my canard!

Faces!

I have been looking
all over for my canard!

Don't worry about it,
don't be scared.

It's just a guy in a big hat

looking for his canard.

REN:
You know what, I hate to tell you this

but canard is French for duck.

So?

Seymour is going to
be eaten for dinner.

CHEF PIERRE:
Rodney!

No, no, you're not,
no, I'm sorry.

Uh, you have a better chance
of cooking me, Bud.

Oh, that can be arranged.

Hey, look it here, Cheffie.

Nobody's cooking my brother
or his duck.

You people are crazy.

Look guys, this-this dinner is
very important for my mother.

Why don't just, you know,
make a vegetarian dish?

We have tofu.

That's it!

Unless you give me my canard,

this party is over!
No more food.

No Chef Pierre, no faces!

I count to three.

Un... deux...

trois!

(DOOR SLAMS)

(TIRES SQUEAL)

I thought he said he was
going to count to three.

Let's go, Louis.
Look, we have to be honest

and tell Mom and Dad
what happened.

What are we supposed to tell her?
That Chef Pierre quit

because we wouldn't let him
m*rder a defenseless duck?

No. Look, the longer
we wait to tell her

the more embarrassing
it's going to be for Mom.

-Am I right, Donnie?
-She's right, Louis.

Guys. If this dinner
doesn't happen,

Mom's bill's not
going to get passed.

He's right, Ren.

Hey.

I'm confused.

EILEEN:
I'll check on the appetizers.

Go, go, go.

Ooh.

Kids...

what are you doing
in the house?

Where's Chef Pierre?

Where's all the food?

What? Oh, the food.

Chef Pierre took it outside
to the truck to keep it warm.

(DUCK QUACKS)

Even the cold appetizers?

(ALL CLEARING THROATS)

(QUACKS)

LOUIS:
What-- what was that?

Cold appetizers, yes, uh,
they were getting too warm

so he took them outside
to cool them down.

Kids, I have a very hungry
Lieutenant Governor out there

who won't even talk about
my Family Care bill

until he has food
in his stomach.

-Ren.
-Wha...?

I want you to give me
a straight answer.

Well, Mommy... well...

(GIGGLES NERVOUSLY)

Well, the reason why
we're here is...

Well, the chef...

The chef said the food's gonna
be in in a couple of minutes.

-Really?
-Yes.

-Really?
-Really.

Oh, well, you know that

Chef Pierre is very eccentric.

Okay.

Well, you know, it's okay

because the Governor's wife,
Mrs. Woods

isn't even here yet,
so I'll...

-All right, go.
-Okay.

Canard, it's going to be great.

(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)

What happened
to telling the truth?

-I-- I couldn't tell her, guys.
-Shh, shh, shh!

(SOFTLY)
Look, we can pull this off.

All we need is something
to cook for dinner.

-What? Not Seymour!
-No, wait, wait.

I'll go get take-out duck.

They'll never know
the difference.

That's perfect.

Oh, and I'll go
entertain them.

I'll just need some duct tape
and funny glasses.

Oh, I don't
think so, Chuckles.

You're not even going
to get out of this room.

-What's...?
Now...

...you're going to be a chef.

Make some appetizers

and make them good.

Uh, family care is so very...

(LOUD RUMBLING)

I wish the Ambersons
would fix their garage door.

That is a nuisance.

That... was my stomach.

Getting hungry myself.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Bam.

They want gourmet food,

I will give them gourmet food.

-(QUACKS)
-What's that?

Oh, sprinkles, huh?
I like the way you think.

Come on baby,
do it for Daddy.

(ENGINE STARTS AND DIES)

Oh!

Excuse me, is this
the dinner party?

Uh, yes, ma'am. Oh, good.

-Um...
-(KEYS JANGLING)

Take care of her
for me, please

and I'll make sure
that you get something

extra special on
my way out, okay?

And please, don't smudge
the Lamborghini.

Thank you.

(TIRES SQUEAL)

I am just so sorry I'm late.

-Hi, hon.
-Mmm, mmm.

The valet parking,
well, that is just

such a real lovely touch.

Valet parking?

(FORCED LAUGHTER)

DOTTIE:
Oh, and you know, I'm such a fan

of Chef Pierre's.

I just cannot wait to meet him.

Have I missed any of
his exotic creations?

The only thing you've missed
is my stomach growling.

(FORCED LAUGHTER)

What are you people laughing at?

I'll go check
on those appetizers.

Oh, well...

Appetizers, Madame?

-Finally!
-Fabulous!

Oh, interesting.

What is it?

Well... it's an eclectic fusion
of American flavors.

It's, um, seared marshmallow
wrapped in bacon

and topped... with an olive.

(COUGHING)

Mmm. That Chef Pierre
is a genius.

I'm telling you.

DAVE:
He's always coming up

with some new surprises.

I'm going to go see
what other...

surprises he has
cooked up for us now.

Come, dear.

(MUMBLING)

Mmm, this is delicious.

What is going on in here?

Where is Chef Pierre?

-Who is that?
-This is Seymour.

Mom, maybe you
better sit down.

I don't need to sit down.

Oh. Well, okay.

Louis got into an argument
with Chef Pierre and he quit.

Oh...

Actually,
now I need to lie down.

Mom, I don't think you've
heard the whole story.

I mean, Chef Pierre was
trying to cook Seymour

and Seymour's like
one of the family now.

Well, actually,
more like Ren.

That thing bit me--
it's more like you.

What am I supposed to do
for dinner?

My guests are expecting
a gourmet... duck.

Well, don't worry about.

We have everything
under control.

Donnie's getting take-out duck
right now.

Ren, Mr. and Mrs. Woods
have eaten

in the finest restaurants
all over the world.

Do you think
they're going to be fooled

by silly snacks and take-out?

DAVE: Eileen, any more of those
delectable hors d'oeuvres?

Uh... yes, Dave. On my way.

Be right there.

Do you realize how embarrassing
this is going to be for me?

No, no. You just keep your eye
on the prize, okay?

You get that bill passed.

We'll take care of dinner.

This is not going to work.

Yes, it will. Go ahead.

Yeah.

(CHUCKLING):
Hi.

Seymour, I hope you
realize that...

-Seymour?
-Seymour?

Sey... mour?

Can you go look over there?
Seymour?

(LAUGHING)

So, I'm on a par three.

I should've used my nine iron

but I went and pulled
my seven iron out of the bag...

Uh, do you play golf, Dave?

No, I hate the game.

Do you want to know
what I really enjoy?

-What's that?
-Eating duck.

Look-- you dropped
your napkin.

Come help me find it.

(STEVE GRUNTS)

Shh! Listen to me.

-Yeah?
-Chef Pierre quit.

Donnie's out buying duck

and Louis made the appetizers.

-What?!
-Shh!

(STEVE GROANS)

Act natural.

I found it!

(EILEEN AND STEVE LAUGHING)

Yes!

Wow, sweet wheels.

Yeah?

Have you ever smelled real
Italian leather before?

Go ahead, take a whiff.

This baby has layers
of candy apple red paint.

(OOH-ING AND AH-ING)

Oh, no!

Sorry, girls, I got
to get some duck.

Well, you're in quite
a hurry, Richie Rich.

Officer, you don't understand.

My mom needs to pass her bill

and the lieutenant governor,
well, he's expecting canard

but his wife, she asked me
to park the Lamborghini

and I can't find duck anywhere!

Yeah. Uh, I'm going to need
some backup here.

Come on...

(LAUGHTER)

Where's the duck?

-I don't know. Where's Donnie?
-I don't know.

-Maybe they ran off together.
-What?

Is the duck ready?

Actually, the chef is just

putting on some finishing touches.

You know what?

I am so sorry
that it's taking...

Did you just
drop your napkin?

Come back here, you little...

(MUTTERING)

You get over here now.

(DUCK QUACKING)

Dave!

That wasn't me.

I was actually going to...

(GASPS)

You bite me
and I'll bite you right back.

Come back here, you little...

Found it!

Bucket O' Duck.

Yes! Thank you!

(FILTERED, DISTORTED VOICE):
Quack, quack. Welcome to Bucket O' Duck.

Yeah, I need an -piece,
uh, extra-crackly.

Oh, Officer, uh,
thank you so much.

Glad to help out, son.

I had a pet duck
myself as a boy.

(VOICE BREAKING):
Quacky whacky.

We had some good times.

Let's move out.

Good luck, son.

Thanks.

Well, I am just
going to go see

what's taking
Chef Pierre so long.

Dottie, no, don't do that,
because...

Chef Pierre is
very temperamental.

He does not like to be bothered.

Yeah. I heard he clobbered a guy
with a ladle once.

That's why he's not allowed
back in Belgium.

DOTTIE:
Don't worry, dear.

I know how to handle
these people.

(TIRES SCREECH)

Dinner is served.

Well, that was just amazing.

I'm going to have to go
thank Chef Pierre right now.

DAVE:
I should thank him, too.

Uh...

Incoming!

DAVE:
That's the best duck I've ever had.

Oh! People, the chef is
very busy right now.

I just wanted
to tell Chef Pierre

how much we just loved...

(FRENCH ACCENT):
Faces! I hear faces!

W-- We don't want
to interrupt...

Faces!

Go away.

(QUACKING)

Hey, Seymour's back.

I mean...

(FRENCH ACCENT):
Who put this duck in my kitchen?!

You! Gaah!

(LOUIS SPEAKING WITH THICK,
UNINTELLIGIBLE ACCENT)

Eileen, what's
going on here?

Is this some kind of joke?

DOTTIE:
Bucket O' Duck?

Isn't that... fast food?

EILEEN:
I can explain all of this.

Yes. Eileen can
explain all of this.

Good luck.

Obviously,

this is not Chef Pierre

and this has not been
a gourmet meal, and...

well, this is my family,
and I guess

I should have stopped
this whole nonsense

when I first heard about it.

It's my fault, too, honey--
I fathered them.

No. People, please,
I mean, I'm the one

who thought that we
could pull this off.

I'm part to blame as well.

I did put miles
on the, uh... the Lambi.

LOUIS:
No, guys

it's very noble of you, but, uh

there's only one bad egg here,
and that's me-- I messed up.

I mess up on a regular basis--
ask my parents.

So... you were all in on this.

REN:
Well, yeah

but we only wanted you
to have a perfect dinner

so you would
support Mom's bill.

Eileen, when I first
read your bill

I could see that you
were very passionate about family...

but now that I've seen
your little clan in action

I can see where that
passion comes from.

I'd be proud
to support your bill.

-Really?!
-That's great!

Really? Thank you!

(ALL TALKING AT ONCE)

Now, people, listen.

Down to important business.

What's for dessert?

Now you can laugh.

(ALL LAUGHING)

STEVE:
Good night, Ren.

REN:
Good night, Donnie.

DONNIE:
Good night, Mom.

EILEEN:
Good night, Louis.

LOUIS:
Good night, Seymour.

(SEYMOUR QUACKING)