03x01 - Passover Bump

[bunniefuu]

CBS presents a live
televised musical event,

"Sunday in the Park with George,"

starring the cast of
"The Big Bang Theory"!

[orchestra warming up]

♪ ♪

- Resist!
- Impeach!

- Stop this abomination!
- Don't ruin our favorite show!

[crowd commotion]

- f*ck you, Bazinga!
- No Bazinga!

[tone]

[upbeat music]

BILLY: hours of community service

is ridiculous for what we did.

JULIE: If we hadn't stormed that stage,

people could have thought
that it reflected

- Sondheim's intentions!
- Community service

is so degrading.

How do you think Boy
George got through it?

Poppers... Hey, what time is it?

I need to make my annual
insurance-less pilgrimage

to the old therapist
at my college clinic.

You still go to the free student clinic

for antidepressants?

Ever since I gained my Freshman , .

You know, when Josh Gad
optioned my article,

I thought I had a chance
at real medical care.

But then that fell through,
and now I need my increase

before the holiday.

Ah, yes... The Passover Bump.

SSRis are like my own chemical Moses,

getting me through a family Seder.

- [tires screech]
- Hey!

Do you two outside janitors
know where the Tr*mp statue is?

Yeah, sure, and we'd love to tell you.

What you're gonna wanna do is just...

[driving punk rock music]

♪ ♪

"I waited over an hour for my food"

"but got no help from the
elderly gay man with stubble"

"or the unhinged blond"

"with a lot to say about Area ."

f*cking transphobic Yelp reviewer!

Look, now that there's a sound
stage in the neighborhood,

daytime TV producers
want their food fast.

Oh, God forbid Wendy Williams
or Maury's assistant

- needs to wait for their eggs.
- I've come up with a plan.

It's called the Nine-Minute Lunch.

I think I got one of those in the
bathroom of the Phoenix once.

- Ugh!
- BOTH: Trash!

Look, lunch will be on the
table in nine minutes,

or it's free.

Well, this is the worst day ever.

Why? Did Joel Grey's lawyer

serve you with another
restraining order?

Leave that bisexual octogenarian alone.

Joke's on you: My parents are dead!

- My God, are you okay?
- What happened?

Is that them in those urns?

No, I'm not okay.

They were m*rder*d at Dollywood,

and these are just two-for-one
vases I got on sale.

Even in my darkest hour, I
can't pass up a bargain.

Honey, are you sure you
wanna be at work today?

Probably not. I'm the
emotional equivalent

- of bareback.
- Oh, he gets the day off,

but Transarella has to scrub the floor?

I swear, if I have to
hear one more cis person

complain about their life,
I'm gonna k*ll myself!

Matthew, I know we're not
friends or anything.

I know we don't even like each other.

But... my parents d*ed too,
so if you ever need to...

Monologue? Thank you.

'Twas a Tuesday, so naturally

Meemaw and Peepaw were
down at Dollywood.

Well, there was one last funnel cake

at the Lil' Loggers Landing ride,

and my parents d*ed in the sh**t.

I-I'm sorry. Do white people
usually die like this?

BOTH: Yes.

Tennessee is a mandatory carry state.

And now I have to go down there
to identify the funnel cake!

[sobbing] Does anybody
have a g*n I can borrow?

Oh, hey, okay, come on.

Come on. You'll always be my baby.

[baby cries] Oh, my real baby's crying.

[baby cries]

- Hey! Oh, you okay.
- Hey.

- Hi.
- Hey, fella.

- [continue comforting baby]
- Like I said,

I know we're not friends
or anything, but...

- NATE: [cooing] Yeah...
- This sale...

did it include furniture?

[Computer Magic's "Running" plays]

FEMALE ANNOUNCER: Depression...

it follows you everywhere like a shadow.

Ridshadovan treats
moderate-to-severe depression.

Call your doctor if you're
experiencing suicidal thoughts

that are dissimilar to
the suicidal thoughts

you usually experience day-to-day.

WOMAN: ♪ In the dark... ♪

[phone vibrates]

Hey, Mom, have you heard of Ridshadovan?

Heard of them? They sent me a
mouse pad and a pubic comb.

Now that I've had my house renovated,

I want everything to look perfect.

Speaking of that, what are
you wearing to the Seder?

I have some notes about
last year's outfit.

I'm an adult. I don't dress for you.

You also don't dress
for your complexion.

Okay, here's who's coming, and here's

what not to talk to them about.

Uncle Tobey: The ACLU.

Cousin Harry: Women.

And as for that angel of death
herself, Aunt Bonnie...

Oh, sh*t. What is it this year?

Her on-again cocaine addiction.

Ugh! Like we need that bitch
to be even more of an assh*le.

God, I hate that f*ckin' bitch!

Me too. I like that
we're getting along...

Moving on. Here's what
not to talk to me about.

Number one: Arthur.

- Number two: Arthur's drinking.
- MAN: Mohart?

Yes. That's me.

Just a... -year-old

college student.

See you girls at the quad later.

We can talk about vampire novels!

Listen, here's why I'm here.

My serotonin is in the serotoilet,

and I'm gonna need you to
kick my meds up a notch.

- [clicks tongue]
- Oh.

Let's see what you're currently taking.

Uh...

they still make that?!

Yikes!

Oh, yoy, yoy. Skimming, skimming.

- Skimming.
- How 'bout Ridshadovan?

Can we add a splash of that
mixer to the cocktail?

- What do you think?
- Why not?

They sent me a fanny pack
and a whoopee cushion.

Sounds legit!

[exhales]

It's, uh, Kessler.

K-e-s-s-l-e-r.

Hello!

[gasps] Oh, my God, she's dead.

She d*ed right in front of me.

[softly] I just want the pad...

f*ckin' rigor mortis setting in already!

Why does everything bad
always happen to me?

♪ ♪

Have a nice day!

[Computer Magic's "Running" plays]

♪ ♪

WOMAN: ♪ Can you find me ♪

♪ In the dark? ♪

This is what's called a grab-bag call.

It's one audition that we can apply

to hundreds of opportunities.

There's so much content now,

individual auditions are
just not practical.

Yeah. Everyone who used to
say, "I don't have a TV,"

are now saying, "There
are too many shows!"

[giggles]

I-I'm sorry.

So I do this one audition,

and then I'm eligible for what?

Well, let's see what's
on the menu today.

Oh, a recurring on a
Seeso crime procedural.

- Seeso?
- It's on the computer.

Uh, late-night warm-up comic.

Kevin James's brother.

Oh, sperm donor to my sister

who's gonna be my surrogate
once she pays her dog's ransom.

You kidnapped your sister's dog?

I kidnapped my sister's dog.

I need her to be my surrogate.

You know how many kids she has?

Three. You know how many I have?

Minus two.

So I'll be Charla, you be Dave,

and, uh, let's just have fun with it.

"Dave, wow..."

"I thought you'd never come
visit me in the hospital."

I'm leaving you.

[screaming] f*ck YOU!

Hi. Welcome to the Quiznos Clinic.

- Sandwiches or health care?
- Oh, I'm getting a sandwich.

She's seeing the psychopharmacologist.

Yeah. I have enough Toasty Points

- to see a doctor for free.
- Great. He's just finishing up

with a patient. White or wheat?

White, please, -inch, turkey
ranch, and Swiss. Thanks.

- Sounds good.
- God, I can't get over

how weird it is that
the best health care

in New York City is at a Quiznos.

Well ever since Tr*mp replaced
the Department of Health

with Jenny McCarthy's blog,
nothing makes sense.

Doctors have to do whatever
they can to earn a living.

Um, the doctor's ready for you now.

- Thanks.
- Have fun!

- Hi.
- Julia Kessler?

Uh... looking at your
blood test results,

I assume you're here
to wean yourself off

the toxic levels of
psychotropic meds in your body?

Wait... what? No, no, no, no, no.

I'm here for more antidepressants.

You see, Passover is coming,

like winter on "Game
of Thrones," I assume,

and I need more dr*gs

so I can survive my family
during the holidays.

If I give you more
antidepressants, you'll die.

Your blood is technically a foam.

So... I-I'm sorry. What are you saying?

You're not gonna give me any more dr*gs?

No.

f*ck you!

[phone buzzes]

[as Madea] Heller?

Good afternoont!

Billy Epstein? Congratulations.

- You booked a role!
- Oh, my God! Which one?

First I need to read you
the roles you did not get,

starting alphabetically.

AMA Awards Red Carpet Host,

Annette Bening's butt double...

Can you just tell me which one I got?

Interesting way of gathering
information, but okay, I'll bite.

Larry Wilmore has a new
late-night talk show,

and you're the warm-up comic
for his studio audience!

Okay! [Laughs] All right, amazing!

Um... but I-I'm sorry. Can you tell me,

did Annette Bening's butt double people

have any notes for next time?

Extended Release, how was the doctor?

Horrible. I maxed out
on antidepressants.

- But it's Passover.
- Yeah, I know.

How am I supposed to get through Seder

without my little helper?

How'd you know I was going out of town?

No, no, no, I meant little helper,

like slang for dr*gs.

Like black beauties or Imagine Dragons.

Or bennies. Bennies burritos.

Dexies. Dexys Midnight Runners.

Uppers, downers, East Enders, skins,

Winonas, Puerto Rican French fries,

Liza with a Zs, ludes,

Crude ludes with attitudes...

You're going out of town?

- I just found out.
- Jesus Christ, Arthur!

I haven't had to sit through
a family Seder by myself

since I was a witch in college.
You know I depend on

my mother's hatred of you to pull focus

off my own wrongdoings.

And I love being your human shield,

but due to budget cuts,

PBS had to relocate all our productions.

Please tell me you're not going to L. A.

I wish! Louisiana was too expensive.

No, from here on in, we're
sh**ting everything

at Burt Reynolds' old dinner theater

in Jupiter, Florida.

Oh, Jesus, Arthur!

Why is this happening?

I'll be back before you know it,

and Billy will be at the Seder.

[phone buzzes]

- Hey.
- Good news, bad news.

I'm warming up for Larry Wilmore,

and I can't come to Seder.

Oh, f*ck!

Wait, which is which?

Thanks for volunteering

here at the Children's Hospital.

Well, it was mandatory,

part of our community
service requirement.

But it's nice to finally have
a pair of shoes that fits me.

You're gonna brighten up some lives!

These kids are at an age

where they don't know yet

to be scared of clowns.

I want a clown name,

you know, just a big,
goofy, harmless clown,

someone who doesn't upset anybody,

totally unmemorable, no edge.

Hey, kid, I'm Go-Go!

- And I'm Mario Lopez.
- [lisping] And we're here

to make your last hours on
Earth a little sillier!

[toot toot]

So do you have any jokes?

Maybe we can read you
some of our tweets.

- Oh, that's a good idea.
- 'Cause we've written those already...

Those are already out there.

Yeah, exactly. You can't steal them.

- Uh... no.
- Too obscure.

Oh, here's one. You know Elmo, right?

Here's one about the
guy who played Elmo.

Oh, no, no. Maybe no tweets.

Hey, kid, um...

how long did the doctor
give you to live?

I have a broken leg.

From the cancer?

No. I went on a ski trip.

You're not dying? And you're rich?

Well, f*ck this!

- Ooh, chocolates.
- Hey, that's mine.

Yeah. Come over and stop me.

Are you clowns gonna do anything?

I'll sign your f*cking cast.

You know what we can
do to fill the time?

- Hmm?
- We can brainstorm some ways

for you not to jump off
the ledge during Seder.

Okay. Non-pharmaceutical
ways of dealing with stress.

My mom goes to our
Sausalito house sometimes

to meditate with Oprah.

- Oh, shut up, Baby Warbucks.
- Wait a minute.

Meditation, though?

That's just napping, right?
I can do that!

You need to get yourself one
of those meditation apps.

That way, you can be one of those people

who feels superior to other people

- because you meditate.
- Yes, brilliant. I'll try it. Okay.

Great news, kid... I left
you the creams and jellies

in this chocolate assortment.

Bad news... I'm taking the rest of it.

Look! Mario Lopez signed your cast.

[upbeat music]

No. No.

. ? Really?

You still owe me bucks
for "Inland Empire."

No. Ooh!

Hey, it's me, Danny Aiello.

- Are you ready to meditate?
- Yeah!

What a coincidence. So the hell am I.

Okay, pally, do me a favor

and get yourself in a
comfortable position

and take some deep breaths.

[breathing deeply]

DANNY: There you go.

[soft music]

DANNY: And now, we are back.

How do you feel?

Pretty relaxed, huh? Atta girl!

Now you're all meditated,
with me, Danny Aiello.

Bye!

Happy Passover, Mom.

Julie, why are you late?

You know, it's funny. I've
been losing track of time

since I started meditating.

And I've been losing money too.
Is that how that works?

- As a mental health profession...
- Okay, enough!

Your father is stuck on the
BQE with a fruit platter.

I told him to put Waze on the phone.

He says, "No. It takes
up too much memory."

What's he doing on his
phone, making documentaries?

[door closes]

BOTH: Oh, f*ck.

Hi, Aunt Bonnie!

Hi, Julie.

Marilyn.

Hello, Bonnie.

You're looking very well.

It's natural to expect
a little weight gain,

considering all the damage

the cocaine's done to your metabolism.

Oh, don't worry. I'll
work it off with sex.

- You remember sex, Marilyn.
- Yes, I do, Bonnie.

You never forget your little
sister's first paying job.

Oh, you dirty bitch.

Hey, come on, Lola,

I got two potato chip
sandwiches up for table three.

I know Billy's at his stupid new job,

but where the f*ck is Matthew?

Matthew. You are two hours late!

And you look like Sal
Mineo went to a Hot Topic

right before he was m*rder*d.

Uh, so? I don't got parents no more.

So I don't gotta do nothin' nobody says.

I had candy for breakfast this morning.

I don't even give a care!

Is this about you losing your parents?

That happened on Tuesday.

You're milking this like it had titties!

And, yeah, as a transwoman,

I can engage in provocative
biological discourse.

This is insane! Nine-Minute
Lunch, my ass!

Like, where is my cold
cut and grape salad?

All right, all right. Matthew.

Mattman.

Mattman, we know you're upset,

but we need you to help out.

Do you think you could wait some tables?

You're not my father!

Oh, my God.

What are we supposed to do
about our out-of-control teen?

MAN: Excuse me.

I've waited more than ten minutes

for my carrot wrapped in salami,

so I guess that means I get a free meal.

♪ ♪

Hey, Facebook Live, it's Billy.

I am coming to you from
the set of my new...

Oh, 'scuse me... My new comedy job.

I am doing comedy for one
of the funniest Larrys

of all time. Not David. Not Sanders.

Not even Miller. But Wilmore!

Wilmore! Larry Wilmore!

- Yes, I am.
- Oh, my God, Larry, hey.

I'm Billy. I'm the new warm-up comic.

I was a huge fan of "The
Nightly Show," I really was.

Yeah, well, this is a little different.

I'm doing everything the
network tells me to do

for those high ratings. I
just want to stay on the air.

Let me tell you what
America loves on TV.

Party games with celebrities,

and interviews with
precocious little kids

by black men over .

You're right. Steve Harvey.

Bill Cosby.

- Bill Cosby?
- When it comes to doing

"the darndest things"...

You think drugging women
and having sex with them

while they're asleep is a...
"darndest thing"?

- It's not not the darndest.
- No. No, it's not.

Why don't we leave
Larry alone for a sec.

- Sure, yeah.
- Okay.

Oh, my God, I can't believe this.

Two days ago, I was serving
mozzarella sticks,

and now I am rifting with Larry Wilmore!

This is crazy! I have a
question, by the way.

Do I do my stand-up right at the top?

Because I have a tight minutes

about a loose Kevin Spacey.

Hey, don't worry about your "stand-up."

Your job is to psych up those people.

Come over here, clown.

Look at this. See this?

This is a CD. This is for
the booty-shaking contest.

This is a cannon that
sh**t out T-shirts.

- Okay.
- These are the T-shirts.

- Guess where they go?
- In the cannon.

In the cannon. What is this right here?

These are snacks for
those animals up there.

And these are the two
most important things.

This is the prank call templates,

and these are the clapter suggestions.

I'm sorry... "clapter"?

Clapter. That's when one of
your jokes doesn't work,

you don't get a laugh, you
say something very obvious

that everyone understands is correct.

That way, at least you get applause.

Oh. So basically the show bible

for "Real Time With Bill Maher."

Don't riff!

Welcome to Seder, everybody.

Happy Passover!

ALL: Happy Passover.

- Happy Passover.
- ARTHUR: Hello, Marilyn.

So glad I could be here from
the other promised land...

Jupiter, Florida.

[booming expl*si*n]

- What was that?
- [g*nf*re]

Since I landed in Florida,

there's been a steady stream
of g*nf*re and explosions.

Judi... viewers... Bush!

Is he really doing that,
or am I just detoxing?

- Both. That'll do, pig.
- ARTHUR: Hello!

Can you hear... [voice muted]

Can we please start the Seder?

The sooner we start, the
sooner we get to eat.

Oh, Julie, please, just eat.

I mean, who could blame you
for stuffing your face

when you got a mess of
a mother like that?

Don't you tell me why
my daughter overeats.

I'll tell you why my daughter overeats.

- Impulse control.
- Impulse control?

- That's right.
- I call it neglect!

Everything about her is
screaming, "Look at me!"

- "Look at me!"
- My parenting has absolutely

nothing to do with her
desperate need of attention!

- Denial.
- What do you know about kids

The only kids you know

are the ones you've blown!

Seacrest out.

What's going on with Mattman?

Well, Maury,

Matthew used to be the sweetest boy.

But, you know, this last one day

has just been a nightmare.

- ALL: Aw!
- Well, maybe we can

end this nightmare right now.

Mattman, come on out!

- [crowd booing]
- You don't know me!

You don't know me! I do what I want.

You can't handle all this!

- MAURY: Sit down, sit down.
- MAN: Shut up!

Mattman, you think it's neat to be rude?

- It's not neat.
- I think it's neat as f*ck.

I don't got parents no more, so I decide

what the f*ck to do,
what the f*ck I want.

- [all booing]
- Oh... boo!

Denise, you wanna tell him something?

Matthew...

yes... there's an
addition to our family.

There's a new ingénue,

but you will always be my Broadway baby.

CROWD: Aw!

You gotta think about the
revival of "Gypsy."

Yes, Linda Lavin was
a great replacement,

but Tyne Daley is on
the cast album, right?

Thank you for putting it in my terms.

- I'm gonna k*ll that baby.
- Wait... What?

Uh... okay, party people.

How 'bout a prank phone call?

It's just gonna go to voice mail.

No one picks up their phone anymore.

[crowd boos]

- What's up with the crowd, man?
- They're acting like

I didn't just play beer
pong with Joan Didion.

That segment was terrific.
And just so you know,

the medic on the set,
she said that she can

absolutely reattach that finger.

Yeah, all right, whatever.
But I think we made

a big mistake with this warm-up guy.

[under breath] Oh, f*ck.

God, they hate me.

Uh... all right, time for some clapter.

Uh...

Okay, guys, so, um,

you know, O*ama b*n L*den is still dead.

[applause]

And, uh, let me just ask you.

How many of you here hate AIDS?

[applause]

And now the easiest clapter of all...

give it up for Larry Wilmore!

[cheers and applause]

You know, it's great that
Larry has a new show,

because nobody watched his old show.

[laughter]

Oh... ha ha. Maybe I should riff.

Right? I mean, Larry always kept it .

Unfortunately, he kept
it at viewers.

[laughter, applause]

[softly] You used my own... words

to slam me?

He's using my words to slam me.

Uh, Hey, Larry, will more people

watch your new show?

[laughter, applause]

I'm gonna f*cking k*ll that guy.

Relax. Remember what
Danny Aiello taught you?

- Yes. Breathe.
- All right.

This next segment is bulletproof.

You talk to a kid. It's very easy.

- I got it, I got it.
- You got it?

All right, we're back in three, two...

[show theme plays]

Hey, all right.

This next totally original segment

is called Little Kids Say Dumb
Things to Big sh*t Larry.

So everybody please help
me welcome Mikey Blazina!

♪ ♪

Hey, how's it going?

♪ ♪

Oh, f*ck.

Hey, Mario Lopez!

Check it out, audience.

He's already saying some dumb sh*t.

That clown wrote on my
leg cast that I was gay,

so the kids at school b*at me up,

and now I have this arm cast!

Who, the "not funny T-shirt
giving out m*therf*cker"

- over there?
- And he ruined

"Bazinga in the Park with George"!

- AUDIENCE: OH!
- He what?

Tell the set medic to leave the premises

with Joan Didion's frozen finger.

I want this piece of
sh*t to bleed to death

while I punch his teeth out.

[crowd commotion]

- [Billy moaning]
- [applause]

BILLY: Ohh!

MAN: Whoo-hoo-hoo!

You want a T-shirt? Beg, m*therf*cker!

[mellow music]

DANNY: Okay, pally, do me a solid.

Ask yourself... what are you afraid of?

- My mother.
- DANNY: What's in the way

- of your happiness?
- My mother.

DANNY: Well, I got
news for you, friendo.

You gotta become the thing
that's getting in your way.

But I'm afraid of becoming my mother.

DANNY: It's time to
swim through the pain.

Now, I don't know how to swim.

Marty Scorsese said that's
why he never cast me

in any of his movies.

But I know he was lying.

[shouting] What does he f*ckin' make,

Esther Williams movies?

Now... that you're good and relaxed,

write down my routing number.

♪ ♪

- Hey.
- Bonnie? What the hell!

I saw you duck in here,
all stressed out.

Now, come on.

Give your Aunt Bonnie a nice, fat line

of that tasty kosher for
Passover booger sugar.

What the hell is wrong with you?

You can't get through
one meal without dr*gs?

Your mother drove me to it.

I get it. I completely relate.

But... you know what?
Maybe it's time for us

to become the thing that's
getting in our way.

We already opened the door for Elijah.

- Where were you, Julie?
- Oh, just upstairs,

helping out, being the
selfless daughter I always am.

By the way, dear, I had some notes

about the blouse you
chose to wear tonight.

I'm concerned it's not
the most flattering

to your... bra fat area.

I'm an adult. I don't dress for you.

What's that? I couldn't hear
you over all the makeup.

Lorna, would you pass whatever
food is in front of you?

Please be careful. Small bites.

Try to exercise some impulse control.

I'm sorry.

God, I'm the worst.

What are you two, "Freaky Fridaying"?

You know... I once made
Barbara Harris watch

while I blew her husband.

And on that note, so
ends another Passover.

Oh, by the way,

your friend in the computer needs help.

- [no sound]
- JULIE: Wait a minute.

It's over? I survived the Seder?

Mom, Danny Aiello was my Passover Bump!

- [gasps]
- Aah!

She's found me! My
depression has found me!

- Who the hell are you?
- You can see her too?

Damn it, Flipper, I told you to text me

when you were around the corner.

Bonnie, is that your drug
dealer that you invited here?

No. She happens to be
my tennis instructor.

Bullshit! I've seen you at my
old college campus downtown.

Probably. I sell a lot
of dr*gs to students.

You want my pager number?

Get the f*ck outta here. Go! Go!

- BONNIE: Come on.
- BOTH: Trash.

I'm sorry the holidays
have to be so difficult.

Me too. But we can agree
on one thing, though.

Aunt Bonnie is a total waste of space.

A true human dumpster.

JULIE: Wanna finish those macaroons?

- MARILYN: I sure do.
- One more thing.

If a couple of guys show
up asking for me...

Javier and his cousin
Carlos, both about ...

tell them to meet me at the Days Inn

near JFK and bring the poppers

but forget the rubbers.

Happy Passover.

Never brag on social media

about a job you haven't started yet.

What are our fake friends saying online?

"Hey, assh*le, I hear
your new job's a hit."

"In the face. From Larry Wilmore."

How 'bout you? You're gonna
continue meditating?

No, I don't think so. I mean,
yes, it really helped.

But then I was going
through my bank statement,

and I realized I was hypnotized

into sending Danny Aiello nearly $ .

Ugh! God, our lives suck.

At least after this, our
community service is over.

In the middle of f*ckin' nowhere.

"Big f*ckin' Bang!"

- Hey!
- Hey!

- [car horns honk]
- BOTH: Hey!

- f*ck you!
- f*ck you,

- "Big Bang" piece of sh*t!
- I got news for you.

Bazinga ruined Bazinga!

SINGERS: ♪ Oh ♪

♪ Thought it'd be easy ♪

♪ Thought they didn't know ♪

♪ You thought it was
the only way to go ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Another way out ♪

♪ Found on the way home ♪

♪ Thought you were living fast ♪

♪ But you were living slow ♪

♪ ♪