01x04 - Pop Quiz

[bunniefuu]

Previously on "Cassandra
French's Finishing School"...

Stranger danger.

Stranger danger!

Hey!

What the f*ck are you doing in my house?

That's what your mom sounds like?

- She's from St. Louis, so...
- One big, happy family.

- [Camera shutter clicks]
- Even with all of this,

I don't even know who you are.

And I feel like you don't, either.

Give him a slap on the ass for me.

[Exhales sharply]

Are you hungry?

[Cookie tin clatters]

[Key scrapes]

[Door opens]

Are you hungry?

I got a tin full of carbs here that...

♪ ♪

♪ Feeling fine, I'm feeling patient ♪

♪ Girls and boys and full frustration ♪

♪ St. Valentine, I think I taste it ♪

♪ Tugging at the seat belt ♪

♪ I'm jumping out the saddle ♪

♪ I'm shuffling my feet around ♪

♪ I'm kneeling at the steeple ♪

♪ I'm tugging at the seat belt ♪

♪ I'm jumping out the saddle ♪

♪ I'm shuffling my feet around ♪

♪ I'm kneeling at the steeple ♪

♪ Feel it in your hands ♪

♪ I hope you feel it in your hands ♪

♪ I hope you feel it in your hands ♪

♪ I hope you feel it in your... ♪

♪ Ha-a-a-a-a-nds ♪

Ow! Jesus! You bitch!

What the f*ck?! Who the f*ck...

Stop talking! Stop!

Who the f*ck bites people?

Shut the f*ck up!

Let me out!

Okay, okay!

Really?

No, I blurt things out
when I'm under pressure.

It's something I'm working on.

Knock it off!

Oh, yeah, you want me
to go tie myself back up?

Could you?

[Thudding]

[Panting]

[Sighs]

[Thudding]

♪ All the things that I've done

♪ Oh, how you'd run if
you knew a single one ♪

♪ Of all of the things that I've done ♪

♪ Out on your own ♪

♪ No, I don't want your number ♪

♪ In my mobile phone ♪

♪ I don't like you ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ I don't like you ♪

♪ ♪

[Floor creaks]

[Grunts]

[Sighs]

f*ck!

f*ck.

So we're doing this, huh?

Looks that way.

[Keys clack]

[Laughs]

[Chains thud]

I'm gonna need, like a-a
rabies sh*t or something.

I'm not rabid, you idiot.

That's a matter of opinion.

[Sighs]

So...

How'd you get free?

Use your imagination.

I'm done answering
your f*cking questions.

You don't have to jump down my throat.

Don't... Wow! You
really are crazy, lady.

At least I'm not an assh*le.

No, you're just a kidnapper.

Look, if you let me out right now,

I'll tell the judge to go easy on you.

No, I'm serious. You're gonna
f*ck this up one way or another.

- Just a matter of time.
- I can't tell you...

how much I appreciate your concern.

- I got people looking for me.
- [Laughing] You?

You have people who
were tweeting at you,

and there's a world of a difference.

And they're not gonna buy
your fake-picture bullshit.

Oh, yeah, 'cause your friends

are some real crackerjack detectives.

Who do you think has
got the inside track?

Do you think it's your
weed-dealer buddy from Modesto

or Audrey, the cellphone
case kiosk girl?

Do they teach assh*le location
at G.E.D. night school?

Wow. This is the real
Cassandra French, huh?

You don't have a plan,
so you just get nasty.

Oh. I have a plan.

Oh, yeah?

So, should I-I be nervous?

You should be shaking in your boots.

Well, you took my boots.

Actually, we b*rned them.

What the f*ck?! Who burns shoes?

I thought it would be really cleansing.

And Claire just thought
that they were ugly.

Sometime soon...

there's gonna be nothing
between us but empty space.

And this conversation is
gonna be a whole lot different.

Okay, your number today will be .

- Did you change your hair?
- You always notice.

- It looks nice.
- Thank you.

♪ ♪

[Laughs]

Do you find this amusing?

I just want to know how
you feel to be trapped.

Shut up. I'm not
trapped. You're trapped.

If you move two feet
away from this door,

I'm gonna bust right through.

That ain't trapped.

So go ahead, grab a drink of water.

I'm not thirsty.

Probably hungry, though, right?

I found a cookie. It was very filling.

Hey, when was the last
time you took a leak?

See, this house echoes.

And down in the basement,
I hear everything.

Like, you and Claire coming
up with your little schemes,

your Beyoncé impression in the shower.

Which, by the way, it's a little pitchy.

I hear your squirrel
noises that you make

when your vibrator's
revved up really high.

[High-pitched whining]

[Laughs]

I also hear the toilet flush

about two minutes after you get home

every single time.

Except today, you decided
to bring me cookies instead,

which was very friendly of you.

But I think it's probably been, what,

three hours since you last went?

That pressure is just building up,

and that Hoover Dam is about to cr*ck.

And it's just getting
harder and harder to hold.

Until it just blows.

[Imitates water dripping]

[Imitates water rushing]

Hey, Mrs. J.

No cheating tonight. I'm watching you.

[Laughs]

Cheating bitch.

Favorite song...

"Waterfall" by TLC.

Favorite theme park whoo, good question.

I think it's Raging Waters.

Favorite ' s album...

"Purple Rain."

Actually, f*ck it. Do you know what?

Oceans, rivers,

streams.

What are those things that...

what are those things
that come out of streams?

Uh... canals?

No, no, no, they're smaller.

Uh, trib...

tributaries.

What the f*ck? Is that even a word?

Brooks!

Brooks, water crashing over rocks.

I'm not going anywhere.

All right.

Sit in pain, I don't give a sh*t.

Maybe it's time I teach you a lesson...

How to be a better human.

Believe me, you could use this.

Lesson one... biting.

Don't do it.

Lesson two... felony
abduction. Don't do it.

Now, these are all pretty
basic, but just stop me

if you want me to slow down.

Lesson five.

You gotta get rid of some of that sh*t.

You gotta let it go.

No one gives a f*ck what
Gemma said about your hair.

[Coughs loudly]

What the f*ck was that?

I coughed.

That was a cough?

Are you dying?

No. It was a totally normal cough.

You should get that checked out.

[Cellphone buzzes]

[Ringing]

This is Claire. Roll the dice.

[Beep]

f*ck.

_

_

_

_

_

_

[Sighs]

- [Cellphone buzzes]
- _

_

So, you got your cellphone.

I've got my cellphone.

Go ahead, talk to Mom.

How did you know it was her?

Call, text, text.

There's only two people
you do that with...

your boss or your mom.

But with your boss, you get that...

high-pitched freak-out
where you're like...

[Wheezing]

Like you're some kind of asthmatic pug.

This one went straight to voicemail,

so it's a mom decline.

See?

I hear things.

I don't want to talk to her
right now. I talk to her enough.

She always calls you,
but you never call her.

That's an interesting relationship.

[Chuckling]

So... so, what?

You're gonna psychoanalyze me?

I just think it's strange.

You always go there,
she never comes here.

[Laughs]

Why are you laughing?

Oh, man, I am so not
talking to you about this.

Oh, do you have other plans?

Deeper.

Oh, my God. f*ck, that hurts.

Ow! f*ck! No, wait.
Don't stop, don't stop.

Go deeper, deeper. Good.

Oh, my God! f*ck you!
I f*cking hate you!

Fu... No, I don't hate you. I'm sorry.

Ow! f*ck you!

Hey, did you ever see
"Silence of the Lambs"?

When I was a kid.

You saw it when you were a kid?

Jesus, that explains a lot.

It was... I was at a
slumber party, and...

Robin Kessler's mother
was very permissive.

And drunk. I think she
was just mostly drunk.

I kind of feel like we have a...

a Hannibal Lecter,
Clarice vibe going on.

Quid pro quo.

Hey, I don't think you're
quite as bad as Hannibal Lecter.

Wait, are you saying
I'm Hannibal Lecter?

You're comparing me to a serial k*ller?

If the Louboutin fits.

So that makes you Clarice,

the FBI agent, played
by Jodie Foster. You?

Which one of us is more
likely to end up behind bars?

Okay, you know what? We're done talking.

I don't give a f*ck what you do.

You can stare into space,
you can pick your nose...

I don't give a sh*t. Just
don't talk to me any more.

I'm just making sure you heard me...

no more talking.

Okay, if you don't say anything,

I don't know if we're in agreement.

Okay, good.

Finally listening for once.

[Paper rips]

Oh, so what, we're passing notes now?

_

Oh, my God. My binder.

Quid pro quo, Cassandra.

Ow, ow, ow.

Ow, ow, ow.

Ow, ow.

[Sighs]

[Sighs]

You f*cking monster! Give it back!

Actually, I have some questions for you.

You have no idea what
you're messing with.

I worked hard on that.

Oh, I can tell.

You have a table of
contents, you have dividers.

This is adorable.

Wait.

Holy sh*t.

Is that a works cited section?

In case I publish! Yes!

Hey, listen. Just give it back.

It's really, really important to me.

Answer my questions.

Why doesn't your mom come around?

Why do you care?

[Paper rips]

You son of a bitch.

Unit five... hygiene.

You know what? I'm
actually gonna practice

some good hygiene right now.

You can't see this,

but I am literally rubbing
your work on my ass.

Hours of hard labor
soaking in the moisture

from my swampy, sweaty cr*ck.

Actually, to be honest,
compared to that one-ply

you have me using down here,

this feels like a f*cking rabbit!

Section six compassion.

Mmm!

Compassion tastes kind of like napkins.

- Section seven...
- She can't.

My mom doesn't come
over because she can't.

She can't walk?

No, she can walk just fine.

Oh, sh*t. Is she, like, pounds?

Do you have to, like, take the
doors off for her to get out?

She's on... house arrest.

For white-collar fraud.

My stepdad owned a bunch
of medical facilities,

and he charged insurance companies

for a bunch of procedures
they never really did.

♪ ♪

How much did she steal?

Ted stole a few million.

And he...

signed my mom's name
on all the paperwork,

and then he skipped
bail and disappeared.

And my mom got played.

Damn. That's some next-level sh*t.

Yeah.

So now she's trapped in
her condo for three years.

And so any time she needs something,

she calls me to bring it over
like I'm f*cking Postmates.

Maybe she just wants to see you.

- Maybe.
- My dad's like that.

Used to sign me out of school
and call it a surprise day.

And he'd take me to Chuck E. Cheese

or the park or whatever.

[Sarcastically] What a
horrible person he must be.

Yeah, it was f*cking great, right?

Other kids are studying math
and I'm at the batting cage.

But when I got older,
like, in high school...

he just kept doing it.

And I realized he
wasn't doing it for me.

He just wanted someone to talk to.

Can I please have my notebook back now?

Is this all I get?

I have some more questions.

[Speaks foreign language]

Oh, we're starting now?

What about boyfriends?

What about them?

One must have done something to you.

You clearly hate men.

Do you have any idea how
much easier this would all be

if I actually hated men?

Yeah, but they must have done something.

Yeah, think of every shitty thing

that you've ever done to a girl

and pick one from column
"A" and two from column "B."

It's exhausting.

Like, every guy I meet and
every relationship I'm in,

I feel like I'm just spending
all of this time and energy

trying to dig through
layers of emotional Kevlar,

and then at the end of the
day, when it all falls apart,

I'm left with nothing.

And I just have... I have to
build myself back up again.

I just want somebody to stand next to me

and face down the day,

who wants to stand
in the same direction.

And I-I don't know why
that has to be so hard.

[Paper rustles]

♪ ♪

Oh!

[Speaking foreign language]

[Arguing in foreign language]

[Spectators gasp]

[Speaking foreign language]

Ah! Ah-ah-ah-ah!

Ah-ah-ah-ah.

You're right, you know, about me.

But you're also wrong, too.

I think on some level,
I can be pretty careless.

But I do think about it.

I've hurt someone with
something I've said

or the way I did it...

or the way I didn't end it.

The ghosting... what is that?

[Chuckles]

No fighting, no
conversation, just... easy.

My mom left when I was .

And it was just my dad,
my kid brother, and me.

I can't help thinking it...

if she hadn't left, that...

that things would be better.

You know, like, I'd have been able
to form some sort of lasting...

anything.

Our holidays, we would drive
up the coast and visit her,

but it just wasn't the same.

Every time.

[Sighs]

_

_

_

What?

[Sighs] sh*t.

♪ ♪

I get it.

What you're trying to do.

Help me learn the things
that I-I haven't learned.

That's the idea.

I'm sorry for fighting it.

I guess that's just my first reaction.

I'm ready to go back...

to school.

- You are?
- Yeah.

I don't want to be like this.

I want to be better... for you,

but, more importantly, for me.

I can just go sit on the bed
and you can tie me up or...

do whatever you want.

I-I just want you to feel comfortable.

M-maybe just go sit on the couch.

Yeah.

I'll go sit on the couch,
and you'll come on in.

Hey, it's okay. You can just come in.

It's okay.

You can open it.

[Cellphone buzzes]

- Claire.
- Don't let him into your head.

No, no. No, I... it's not like that.

Remember who you're dealing with.

He is not your friend.

I've got an idea.

Is Lexi still f*ck-buddies
with that dentist?

I think so, but I don't really...

I don't really want to
bring Lexi into this at all.

I'll be there, stat. And
don't believe his lies.

Cassandra?

Cassie?

St. Louis.

What?

That night at the bar,

you said your mom was from St. Louis.

Right, yeah, yes. St. Louis.

Yeah, but just now, you said that
you drove up the coast to see her.

Yeah, you're talking to the captain

of her eighth grade geography bowl,

and Latitude with Attitude

didn't come in first for nothing.

There is no coastline in St. Louis.

God damn it!

You actually made me give a sh*t.

Because you want to.

You want to believe
that all guys are sh*t

and that you can fix all of us.

But it doesn't work that way.

No matter how many lesson plans

or f*cking t*rture devices you use.

So what? So what were you gonna do?

You gonna overpower me
and just walk out of here?

Go back to being the same guy

that you were when I first met you?

That is the worst kind
of t*rture I can think of.

Yeah, you forget that I've
been inside your apartment

and that I've read all your e-mails

and I know what your life looked like.

I mean, I didn't even tell
Claire half the sh*t that I saw

'cause I actually felt bad

when she started to make fun of you.

I let you leave here,
you're gonna end up

like my mom or your dad

or half the other people on
this shitty f*cking planet,

screwing or getting screwed,

or either way ending up alone.

You don't think that your dad

wanted to find someone to be with?

That's where you're headed, Owen.

And if we don't do
something about it soon,

you're gonna spend the
rest of your f*cking life

wandering around batting cages

just hoping that someone invites you out

for a surprise day that
is never gonna come.

♪ ♪

Owen?

I'm sorry.

Owen.

You know, gas is a lot
heavier than you'd imagine.

Shh!

What? Kevin already
knows I'm borrowing it.

Well, I thought you were
just gonna grab his keys.

I did. And then I told him
straight up why we needed them,

because lying is another
form of addiction.

And then he told me it would
be illegal to give me the gas,

and then I brought up Thomas Hobbes

and the Natural Laws

and how we weren't actually
breaking any of them.

And then he asked to suck
on my toes for a little bit,

and then I finished up with the
defense of "Summa Theologica,"

and then he gave me the keys.

So it was the toe thing.

Yeah, it was probably the toe thing.

[Sighs]

So, this guy's into nitrous?

Yeah, apparently, it's
all about the timing, yeah.

Interesting. Well, just
promise me you'll be safe,

because % of all sexual injuries

occur from pharmaceutical abuse.

Why do you know that?

I think everyone knows that.

No?

I guess, yeah. Okay. Help
me get this into the van.

Okay.

[Door opens]

Holy sh*t balls. Are you all right?

Yeah, yeah, I'm fine. I'm fine.

Oh, okay. [Sniffs]

Did someone piss in here?

- Whatever. Is he still...
- Yeah.

All right. Let's get this over with.

What is it?

Nitrous.

[Exhales sharply]

Okay.

Okay, I thought there'd be,
like, instructions or something,

but whatever. All right.

[Gas hissing]

[Laughing]

And, uh, there we go.

All righty.

I'd say, like, minutes rough estimate

for him to, like, loosen
up so he doesn't overpower.

All right, well, math
was never really my thing.

Do you think that's enough?

Yeah. I think that's good enough.

We'll make a Home Depot
run in the morning.

He's still out. Do you
think that's normal?

♪ ♪

Okay, well, you have a
nice night... or a day...

whatever the f*ck it is.

Cassandra French.

Yeah?

You are...

a bad person.

Boop.

[Chuckles]

Knock, knock.

Girls, I just wanted to warn you,

that was halothane, not laughing gas...

a very dangerous mistake.

Also, I brought muffins.

♪ ♪

♪ Now I'm like a big,
bad wolf at your door ♪

♪ My mouth is wide
open, ready to explore ♪

♪ And I'm not hiding the
fact that I'm out for blood ♪

♪ Baby, I'm vicious ♪

♪ Don't hate a girl because she knows ♪

♪ All the ways to get
beneath your clothes ♪

♪ And you played those
games down to the letter ♪

♪ You're just mad 'cause
I play them better ♪

On the next episode

of "Cassandra French's
Finishing School"...

She's not at home,
she's not in the studio.

I mean, I've checked very juice bar

and bullshit raw food place in town.

Lexi, that guy you saw, he was not dead.

The death that I refer to is
the death of our friendship.

God damn it.

Yeah, baby. God damn it all.

Sorry. Sweating all over you.

It's a bit tight in here.