01x08 - Homecoming

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Cassandra French's Finishing School". Aired: February 17, 2016 to present.
"Cassandra French's Finishing School" revolves around an overachieving publicist, who takes matters into her own hands when she can't find a mature guy: she takes a potential mate c*ptive and sends him to a finishing school in her basement to teach him how to be a better man.
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01x08 - Homecoming

Post by bunniefuu »

Previously on "Cassandra
French's Finishing School"...

I think it's a thing.
Shut up and f*ck me.

Cassandra, you know
Elijah relatively well.

- You must know what he likes.
- Yeah.

- There's Kaylee. But I'm not...
- Oh, the Snapchat girl!

You are gonna be trending in no time.

- I can totally come back.
- No, no, no. We were just

talking about the "Abolition
Road" premiere tomorrow night.

His hamstrings are releasing, people.

What a magical day.

He's still not big on
hugging. We're working on it.

Who do you think you are,
sneaking into people's houses

with your sneaky eyes
and your sneaky shoes?

The sooner I get the cops involved,

the sooner I find Owen and kick his ass.

- Whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa. No.
- Audrey's in town.

We're gonna call her. And
if you say one wrong thing,

I will Tase your ass. Owen?

Our special place,
tomorrow night at : .

- Aah!
- Looks like it's time

to start prepping for
our first field trip.

I don't know.

This is hard.

I thought it would look more... natural.

I like it. Kind of a Sex p*stol vibe.

You guys, I think I'm
gonna have to bring up

the question of ethics again.

You guys, you don't have to do this.

Yeah. Well, that ship kinda sailed

when you planned out your
little "Let's meet up" trick.

Yeah. So you get to
go on your field trip.

We just have to make sure
you stick to the lesson plan.

Guys, there has got to
be a better way than this.

You know what? You're right, Lex.

Even though that the
shock collar looks right,

it's not nearly strong
enough to stop him.

- No. That's not what I meant.
- Ow! Damn, f*ck!

- See? He's still talking.
- g*dd*mn it!

- Jesus... Christ!
- That's the strongest setting.

I mean, I think we need to
get one that goes higher.

- What?
- [Whimpers]

No. Not higher.



- Sorry. My hands are cold.
- [Shudders]

Okay. If I could just
get this padlock...

- Ow. That... that's my nutsack.
- I can aloe vera that.

What kind of dog is this for?

If you would just stop wiggling...


- [Device clicks]
- There.

That should do it.

Well, it's, um, secure.

And you'll get the keys back

as soon as we're all
back here safe and sound.

I promise you. I won't say a word.

If you want to keep your
boys intact, you won't.

I'm sorry. We have to test it.

No. No. Don't. Lexi, tell 'em.

- I mean...
- Ju...

Just one time on the lowest setting.

- No.
- Take a deep breath.

- No.
- Go to your happy place.

f*ck you. f*ck you. Fuuuuck...

- Five.
- Mnh-mnh!

... four...


... three...

[High-pitched whimper]


- [Device beeps]
- [Muffled screaming]


At least we know it works through walls.

- Can I try?
- Later.

♪ All the things that I've done ♪

♪ Oh, how you'd run if
you knew a single one ♪

♪ Of all of the things that I've done ♪

So you and Audrey are these
salt and pepper shakers.

Can I be turmeric? It's
an anti-inflammatory.

And I just kinda feel
like that's my role

in this whole situation.

So you and Audrey are these
salt and pepper shakers.

Got it. Yeah. Yeah. We're good.

And you drive to the location...


You've got to be kidding me.


- But you stay close to her...
- Okay.

Because you're our
eyes and ears out there.

- Yes.
- Okay? Then, meanwhile,

me and Owen back at the house.

Who the f*ck do you think you are, huh?

f*ck you. I'm the shit. I'm
gonna kick your little ass.

- Okay.
- And then we're waitin' for...

for Cassie to come
back from the premiere.

Oh, my God. Elijah and I
had so much fun. Oh, my God.

- And then we get Owen into the car.
- Wait, wait, wait.

Get in the f*cking car, Owen!

Wait. You never said there was paprika.

I would've chosen paprika. Thank you.

Great. So then we drive Owen

as close to the meeting
point as possible.

And once he's there,
we listen on your phone

to make sure we need to
electric boogaloo at any point.

- Okay.
- And if anything goes wrong,

we all come back here and
dismantle the basement.

No evidence.

How do I look? Brutal honesty.

I might have to rethink

my "don't f*ck your best friend" rule.

- You are glowing, Cass.
- Okay.

That is what people
say to pregnant women.

But I will take it in the
spirit in which it was given.

Who's the paprika?

- This girl.
- Damn it.


I make a brief appearance
at the premiere.

I snarf down some free sushi.
Elijah's thrilled to see me.

And we get to spend
a few hours together,

rub elbows with celebrities.

- Antibacterial soap?
- In my purse.

Then, after the film, I come
up with an excuse to leave

and then book it back here to home base.

And that's where we're loaded
and ready for the drop-off.

And then Owen can show Audrey
that he's alive and well.

Look, Audrey. I'm alive and well.

And she's like, "I don't give a shit."

And then he's like,
"Well, then, f*ck you.

I'm gonna... I'm gonna
break up with you."

And she's like, "No, you
don't," because she's a bitch.

She's like a beast.
And she's like, "No!"

And while I console Audrey,

you guys haul Owen back to the basement.

- And then we meet here.
- It's gonna be great.

We got this.

[Sighs] Damn it.


[Breathing deeply]


Hi. Can I get your name?

It should be under Cassandra French.

It might be Cassie.

I'm usually under Ken Hall Publicity

'cause I work for Ken.
But it's not there.

So don't look there.
Uh, Elijah Foster, he...

he invited me here
tonight as his plus-one,

but there could be a few.

But I'm one of them, but
just as a friend, mostly.

It's complicated?

Thank you.

So I saw this doc about
these mountain climbers.

To be fair, I was pretty stoned.

But they had this system
worked out that they made sure

that they didn't go slamming
into each other on the way down.

Just like I need to make sure
you don't go slamming into me

[High-pitched] because
you're a sneaky little devil.

[Normal voice] So it's gonna
take a while to get to the, uh,

living room and into the car.

But we're gonna start early
and take it one step at a time.

What happened to the climbers?

[Smacks lips]

I think they ate each other.

But that might have been a dream.

Like I said, I was really high.

All right.

So this is the special place? It's nice.

This is f*ck' stupid.
Why wait with me?

Go and be out somewhere fun.

I'll at least stay until he shows up.

- If the son of a bitch shows up.
- He will.

Why are you being so nice to me?

Your friends, too, even the bitch?

We like you? [Chuckles]

Holy f*ck.

Your arms are solid,
unlike these meat bags.

I could teach you to tone them.


Yeah. I teach Stretchology.
You could come do a class.

Okay. [Chuckles]

Why, if it isn't Miss French.

Mr. Foster.

And, finally, the real Kaylee.

Hey, girlfriend!

Hi, friend!

- Are you still in Vienna?
- Oh, don't I wish.

I'm still on the . Oh, my God.

We were stuck on the
runway in Austria for, like,

minutes because some guy
was speaking some language

that some other guy couldn't understand.

So, like, you know, safety.

- But I'm on my way.
- Wait. Are you...

- are you calling while driving?
- Oh, yeah.

But don't worry about it.
I have unlimited data plan.

Okay. [Chuckling] Why don't you hang up,

and we'll see you when you get here?

Oh, my God. You are such a sweetheart.

I did need to do my nails.

Save me a seat, okay? Love you. Byeeeee!

- She may k*ll a lot of people.
- That being said,

I have this feeling that
she doesn't actually exist.

All some really advanced form of CGI?

Not that advanced.

- [Chuckles]
- Come on. She's nice.

Yeah. And you two have the nicest,

most real fake relationship
I have ever seen.

Take a seat.


[Chains clatter]




Should we go in?

I want to. I just... I
have so much work to do.

Oh, you need to learn to
take a break, Cassandra.

Every time I see you,
it's work, work, work.

Elijah, Cassandra,
this is my wife, Lori.

- Oh, hi. I... I didn't realize.
- I was married or a lesbian?

That you... had a life.

Oh. You've been working
on that sense of humor.

Oh! [Laughs]

Now that is appreciated. [Laughs]

Yeah. I saved you a
seat right next to her.

[Both laugh]

Whoa. What are you...
what are you doing?

- I...
- What...

[Whispers] Are you f*cking crazy?

- What?
- What do you think you're doing?

I... I wanted to kiss you.
I... We do it all the time.

In private. Not in the real world.

That's what I have
Kaylee for. That's why...

that's why you set me up with her.

Yeah. Yes. But that
was before you and me,

- before we star...
- Are you a child?

There can never be a "we."

[Chuckles] I can't just give
up everything I've been working

for just so you...

How do you not get how this works?

Yeah, we f*ck. We have a good time.

And what do I get out
of taking this public?

Maybe a little honesty?

Sometimes we lie, Cassandra.

Get used to it.

Okay. I'm... I'm going in.

Come along or... don't.

♪ ♪

♪ You got the keys to the car ♪

♪ I got that look in my eye ♪

♪ You got the thirst upon your face ♪

♪ You got my keys, let's drive ♪

- ♪ I've got bubblegum lipstick ♪
- [Groans]

♪ You hear the cry ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah! ♪

♪ High, high, high ♪



[Laughing maniacally]

Cassandra? Cassandra?

[Snaps fingers] Cassandra!

What has gotten into you?
Just go home, sleep it off.

I could spend so much time
on you, you have no idea.

Good luck being you, Elijah.

I'm sure you're gonna do just fine.

[Door opens, alarm ringing]

[Cellphone vibrates]

- Where we at?
- Start it up.

- You're on your way home?
- Get him ready. Let's do this.

What did that actor f*ck do to you?

You were right, as usual.

Sorry. I didn't want to
be. Are you... are you okay?

I am fine! I am super-duper fine!

Let's do this!

Okay. Okay.

Cassie's a little amped
up. No sudden moves.

Well, you've been there.

I'm not gonna do anything stupid.

I just want to get this over with.

Sooner we get to the car, sooner...

[Doorbell rings]

I'm not gonna make any noise.

Hello. We're from
Daisy Doll Troop .

It's really late.
Where are your parents?

We are selling delicious cookies.

Oh, for f*ck's sake.
Uh, no. Not interested.

All sales go to support education

and job training for young women.

f*ck's sake.

How much do I have to pay
you to make you go away?

Boxes are $ each.

We have many delicious
flavors, caramel nougat...

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I
don't... I don't give a shit.

Just, like, any f*ck' box.


Boxes are $ each.

We have many delicious flavors,

caramel nougat, shortbread sweet...

Okay. Okay, okay,
okay. Okay, okay, okay.

I don't care. Just
take the f*ck' money.

Take the f*ck' money.
Take the f*ck' money.

Okay. Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you very much. Thank you.

We're also taking donations

- for our trip to Sacramento...
- Oh, my God.

...where we will meet
California's two female senators.

Yeah. You're good.

Just take the money. Take the money.

Just take the money. Just take it, okay?

I don't have any more
money. So just go...

go mug somebody else, please.

God f*cking damn it.


Remind me to get my tubes tied.

- What the f*ck?
- f*ck' Stretchology.

f*ck! f*ck. Yes! No!

God damn it!

Okay. Ohh!

Oh, f*ck. Oh, f*ck. We're...

Come on. Come on. Come on.

Just... just listen for
screams just like a car alarm.

f*ck. Stop. God! He's gone.

- How long has it been?
- Dude, just, like, five minutes.

He couldn't have got that far.

Okay. Maybe we drive
around, we get lucky.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Yeah, yeah. Okay. Okay, okay.

Take-take-take... take my bike!

Doug? You okay?

I... I... I... I don't need your help.

- Don't... don't bother.
- Listen, Doug. I am so sorry.

I will write you your
college recommendation.

Shit, I'm gonna write you three of them.

And I know that that
doesn't make it better.

- I'm sorry.
- Wow. Oh.

[Clears throat] All... uh, all right.

Co... Uh, cool. Cool. [Clears throat]

You haven't by any chance
s-s-s-seen my bike, have...

have... have you? I swear
I left it r-r-right here.

m-m-m-must have stole it.


♪ ♪

We got to take down the basement.

Yeah. I'll grab the kerosene.

I-I-I even put one of those l-l-lo...

tracker devices on... on...
on... on... on it to help

lo-lo-locate it.

- I'm sorry. What?
- Yeah.

Uh, just... just... just...
just in case I leave it

s-s-s-s-s-somewhere or
someone takes it by...

by... by accident.

- [Gasps]
- Oh!

[Both chuckle]

See? Ah. There... there... there it is.

Too bad I can't g-g-g...

I don't have a way to
ge... ge... ge... get to it.

B-B-Basically useless.

- Doug.
- Huh?

- Dougie, Doug, Doug.
- Oh, Doug.

This is your f*ck'
lucky day, buddy, 'cause...

- What?
- I'm gonna take this phone.

And I'm gonna find your bike.

- Your bike, we're gonna find it!
- But I had...

But now... now I'm bikeless
and pho... and phoneless.

Great. Yeah. Keep
going. We're, um, closer.

We're almost there. We're almost there.

- Okay.
- We're almost there.

- Oh, I feel it.
- Yeah. I feel it, too.

Go. We're almost home. There we go.

Closer to that little dot.

- Oh, dot, we're comin'!
- We're comin' for you, dot!

♪ ♪

Okay. It stopped
moving. Uh, make a left.

Now we're going to prison.

Well, hello, Mother.

- Go home.
- [Chuckles] As your daughter,

I would have to say that's
a very interesting view

on the economy, Mom. [Laughs]

I'll be right back.

Okay. Owen is not here yet.

- What the hell happened?
- Elijah happened.

It turns out he's just
like all the rest of 'em.

Honey, I'm so sorry. You know,
he needs to be taught a lesson.

Look. Owen escaped. Just
get back to the house.

We've got to tear it all down.


So, that was my mother.

She's... d-dying.

- Oh, God. No. Sorry. I, uh, that's...
- What?

I can't put that in the universe.

I am a terrible liar.

[Sighs] Go on.

Go and do whatever fun
thing you've got planned.

I'll be fine.

- Are you sure?
- Yeah.

- Bye.
- Bye.

[Breathes deeply]

Guess that's it, then.

Claire, what are you doing?
We've got to get back home.

The little shit tore it off.

So he's still out there.

♪ ♪

♪ When I was a young girl ♪

♪ My mama said to me ♪

♪ There's only one boy
in the world for you ♪

♪ And he probably lives in Tahiti ♪

You remembered.

♪ Got a whole, wide world ♪

♪ Got a whole, wide
world just to find him ♪

I don't even know where to begin.

I'm pregnant.

♪ ♪


♪ Well, maybe he's in the Bahamas ♪

♪ Where the Caribbean Sea is blue ♪


♪ We've been in a
tropical moonlit night ♪

♪ Because nobody's dawned on you ♪

♪ I got a whole wide world ♪

♪ Got a whole wide
world just to find him ♪

♪ Got a whole wide world ♪

♪ Got a whole wide world to
find out where they hide him ♪


That's the first time
you ever done that.

Done what?

Hug me when I was crying.

[Sighs] How... how far along are you?

Four months.

- Four.
- I would have told you earlier,

- but you ghosted on me, you f*ck!
- No. I...

[Breathing shakily]

I did.

You're right.

I'm sorry.

Wow! I'm gonna be a dad. [Chuckles]

You're not gonna even ask if it's yours?

- What happened to you?
- It's kind of a long story.

Dude, he could be on any
street at any police station.

This is pointless.

And so what? We just give up?

We got to get back to
the house, cover it up.

- It's either that or run.
- Yeah. Okay.

Okay, okay. So he does go to the cops.

And... and what?

They're gonna believe
him? His word over ours?

Uh, yeah. Maybe.

What if we say that we did do it?

And that it was, like,
a consensual thing?

Like, some, S&M Craigslist thing?


Maybe it... it was wrong.

Like, yeah, ethics and
morals and all that.

But I don't know. Maybe...

maybe the whole idea was wrong.


I just thought I saw it in him.

I thought that he wanted
to be different or better.

But I guess I wanted it so bad,

I convinced myself
that he wanted it, too.

♪ ♪

♪ Got a whole wide world ♪

♪ Got a whole wide
world just to find him ♪

♪ Got a whole wide world ♪

♪ Got a whole wide world to
find out where they hide him ♪

- Owen?
- [Sighs]


I want to come back.

I don't think that's a good idea.

What are you talking
about? Of course he can.

An hour ago, you escaped.

You left. That's what you wanted.

I can't make you change.

We... we can't force this on you.

I... I know.

You have to want it.

And I don't... I don't even
know if that's even enough.

Maybe you can't ever really change.

Maybe it's Stockholm syndrome

or I've had too many blows to the head


maybe it's that I'm gonna be a dad.

- With Audrey?
- Yeah. I know.


I need to be a better person.

And what you guys do, I... I don't know

if I would recommend
it for ev... everyone.

But I think it might work for me.

If... if I stop, if
I walk away right now,

without learning everything,

I'm gonna be the same way I always was.

- A shit bucket.
- Yeah.

Nobody wants to be a shit bucket.

And Audrey?

I told her that I was
in a rehab program.

And when I saw her, I realized

that I had to finish what I started.

I want to come back. I
want to go back to school.

If... if you'll have me.

I'm still gonna b*at
the shit out of you.

Yeah. I... I figured that.


Maybe you can take the,
uh, collar off my balls?

- Absolutely.
- Eventually.


Cassie, you're gonna
want to get down here.

♪ ♪

[Door closes]

♪ If you dig under my feet ♪

♪ You will find things
that you don't want to see ♪

♪ Things that I hide way down inside ♪

♪ A menagerie of the
tragedy that I've caused ♪

♪ And all of my flaws ♪

I just got the weirdest feeling
someone was watching me right now.

[Muffled screaming]

So it's, uh... it's
kind of a long story.

♪ All the things that I've done ♪

♪ Terrible things ♪

♪ You would never believe
the things that I've done ♪

♪ Oh, how you'd run if
you knew a single one ♪

♪ Of all of the things,
things that I've done ♪

♪ You would never believe
the things that I've done ♪

♪ Oh, how you'd run if
you knew a single one ♪

♪ Of all of the things ♪

♪ That I've doooooooooooooone ♪
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