04x05 - Episode 5

[bunniefuu]

I think it's great that they let a guy

with a head injury have
his own show, but...

it's not really fair on his guests.

Why are you working on a Sunday?

'Cause if I finish this today,

then I can be home for
dinner tomorrow night.

God! Seriously, when's it all
gonna stop being such a slog?

sh*t!

Oh, I forgot to say,

- Mrs Hammond's retiring next week.
- Really?

She wants to spend more time with
her grandchildren... poor f*ckers!

Got this new bloke
taking over from her...

he's making me anxious.

Why? I thought you hated Hammond.

Yeah, but at least I
knew where I was with her.

What if the new guy doesn't get me...

my teaching style, you
know? I'm pretty maverick.

Okay, Captain, My Captain.

I've gotta get her a leaving
gift, as well, for God's sake!

What about, like, a tasteful sex toy?

Oh, right. So, like a... like
a Waterford-crystal dildo?

Well, don't go crazy, but
maybe... antique nipple clamps?

Frankie just heard that.

Great! Now we don't have to
have the nipple-clamp talk.

- Can we interrupt you?
- Oh, yeah.

I was just checking the pricing on...

Rob, this is James Cohen. He's
just taken over from Antony Tillman

as global chief operating officer.

- Good to meet you in person, Rob.
- Good to meet you, too.

James is just here on a whirlwind visit

on his way to the Geneva office.

Ah, not such a whirlwind.
I'll be here for a week or two.

I've been hearing really
good things about you, Rob,

or rather I haven't heard
anything bad, and that's good.

Yeah. Once they took the vending
machine out of the employee kitchen,

I became a lot more productive.

- Ah...
- Oh, yes, we have to get down to research.

- Shall we catch up later?
- Okay.

Ah, hey, make sure you close
the double doors when you enter.

Those guys are afraid of sunlight.

Oh, and, er, keep an eye on your wallet,

there's been some incidences
of theft down there.

Really?

No. That was also a joke.

Oh.

I know the world has
changed a great deal

even since I first entered the school.

We didn't have hand sanitisers

or blogs.

We had... powdered soap and diaries!

Caleb, maybe one day you'll invent
the next way to clean your hands,

with, perhaps, a vapour,
or even a microchip!

Wouldn't that be
something! I think that...

Oh, my God, she's lost her mind!

Now, would you please give a
warm Kingscote Primary welcome

to your new headmaster, my
esteemed successor, Mr Maxwell!

Thank you, Mrs Hammond,

and thank you to the choir for that
touching rendition of "Umbrella".

When the sun shines, we
do all shine together.

Shush!

- What do you think?
- I think we can break him.

Did you see he was wearing
a braided leather belt?

- Yeah.
- Tells you all you need to know.

I see we have another
case of the giggles.

Mr Maxwell, this is Ms Norris
and Ms Niles. They're always...

- Hello.
- laughing at something or other.

I gave up trying to find
out what a long time ago.

And as it's my last
week, I don't mind saying

I've always found it extremely annoying.

Oh, well, I'm a terminally unfunny man,

so I'm always grateful to
have someone lighten the mood.

- Shall we go to my office?
- Let's!

They're off to do the
head-teacher handover ritual now.

- What's that?
- She squirts the milk of knowledge out of her tits,

and then he rubs it all
over his face and chest.

Now, when I look at a map of
Europe, I think of Napoleon,

and all he was able to achieve.

I can't help but wonder,

why aren't we making more
inroads into certain territories?

Now, I know you guys can get people
from the Baltics, for example,

to start gobbling up more duloxetine!

Anybody ever been there?

Well, the chicks are high...
but otherwise it f*cking sucks.

You've got people committing
su1c1de for lunch up there.

We should be moving truckloads
of the stuff. Truckloads!

Just to follow up on the Baltic idea,

- this is something Rob and I have...
- Ah, Harita, I've gotta bounce.

So, yeah. You take over.

So...

Can I give you my BMW?

Sure. Can I sell it?

f*cking drive it off
a cliff. I don't care.

Then, yeah. Why are you
getting rid of your car?

Well, I just need to start downsizing

in case we wind up pulling
the trigger on New Zealand.

What are Catherine's
thoughts on all this?

Uh, mixed bag. I think
she'll come around, though.

Oh, I gotta go. I just
got a DM from Eric Tr*mp.

Ugh!

- Oh, hey, James. What can I do for you?
- Rob,

my wife flies in
tomorrow... for some reason.

Would you and your wife... or husband...

- I don't wanna make assumptions.
- I... I have a female wife.

Would you like to bring your
female wife to dinner with us?

There's one of those hoof-to-snout
restaurants in Knightsbridge.

- Do you eat that stuff?
- Oh, sure. I'll eat a face.

What are you two conspiring about?

Oh, dinner tomorrow night.

- My wife's in town.
- Oh!

Well, let me know the
details of where and when,

and I'll see if my
boyfriend can come along too.

I'm gonna bet you 500 bucks that
her boyfriend has pierced nipples.

- How will we find out?
- Leave that to me.

Hey...

good news about syphilis
in the Netherlands.

I know! I'm psyched!

- How's it going, there?
- Yeah! Good. Good.

And what is this?

Uh, well, that's just some
sh*t... um... stuff that I...

- bring in to show them I was a person once.
- Oh.

That's me in a school, uh, disco thing.

Grade-one guitar certificate.

That's me and Nick
Rhodes, from Duran Duran.

- ♪ Girls on film... ♪ Oh!
- Oh!

First album I ever bought.

Yeah, I remember the
first teacher of mine

I thought of as a human being.

I saw her crying on the top deck
of a bus on her way home one day,

and for the first time I saw her
not as a teacher but as a woman,

with feelings.

Oh, well, that's...

But then we found out that
she'd been having an affair

with a 17-year-old boy in sixth form.

Can you call it an affair?

Is it "relationship"?

I mean, couldn't she
have waited one more year?

Yeah! Yeah,

or she could've looked into dating
a man from her own generation.

Yes. I feel the same way.

- Right! I'll leave you to your work.
- Okay.

What the f*ck is that?

- What'd it smell like?
- I didn't stick my nose in it.

Well, I mean I doubt it's anything.

It... it would've had to penetrate
trousers and then cotton underwear,

unless he wears silk ones, in
which case he's a real pervert.

- Oh, okay. So I imagined it.
- No, but...

you know, if you didn't, then, he
made a multiple fabric blast-through,

which is unlikely,
unless he's Superman...

Look! A man... a man
in a powerful position

left a moisture patch on my desk.
I don't feel comfortable with that.

Okay. Uh, what are
you gonna do about it?

I dunno. Be angry.

Nothing.

I think those are both great choices.

Oh, uh, we've been invited to a dinner

with the big Braeband boss and his wife.

We've been invited?

- Me too?
- Yes.

Oh, God. Really?

Oh... when? I hate work dinners.

You've never been to one!

I've literally never once asked
you to come to a work dinner.

- What will they want from me?
- I don't know! Your...

- wife-like presence?
- Yeah, but should I be chatty,

like Michelle Obama, or should
I be more like Jackie Kennedy,

you know, like, don't say much,
but when I do say something,

really make it count,
like slag off the Queen?

I think I'm gonna say you can't make it.

Oh!

_

I wrote you a text saying I missed you,

and then I saw the three dots, then
nothing. What were you gonna say?

Don't three-dots me.

Well, I was texting you
back "I miss you too", and...

then I realised I didn't, so I stopped.

Come on, Fran, we were having fun.

Yes, but that's all we were having.

What's wrong with that?

I dunno.

I was looking at Chris and
his girlfriend the other night.

They were smiling and
they were laughing,

and I realised that
you don't make me laugh.

You make me grunt...

sometimes, and you made
me miaow that one time.

But I'm sorry. I don't want the
Poundland version of what they have.

Not what I expected to hear,
but it's your prerogative.

Other women your age would
be happy to have a man

make them come their tits
off on a Wednesday night

instead of watching Countryfile, but...

such la vie.

Enjoy being alone.

And, uh, I didn't make you miaow.

I made you oink, like a pig.

_

It's just the attendance
files for Year 5.

Ah, thank you! That's
tonight's entertainment sorted.

Yeah.

That's a lovely blouse.

Oh! Thanks.

Yeah, Not everyone could get
away with a blouse like that.

Kate Winslet, maybe.

- Laura Linney.
- Right.

Thank you.

Um, can I talk to you for a minute?

Of course. Grab a pew.

Um...

this is a bit uncomfortable,
but I'm... I'm just gonna say it.

Uh, it-it's good to say what you think,

right, instead of, yeah, bottling
it up... I used to do that,

but then, um, I developed alopecia.

I mean, it all grew back,
apart from one of my arm...

- Anyway, it doesn't matter.
- Okay. Well, now I'm intrigued.

Mm-hm. So, when you were in
my classroom the other day,

I dunno if you remember,
you sat on my desk.

And, uh, when you got
up, there was this...

substance... When you got up from
my desk, you left a wet patch behind,

and, uh... I mean, I'm not
implying anything, but I'm just...

did you notice it, or...

Well, I'm glad you asked,

because I was wondering
what was on my trousers

- when I came back from your classroom.
- Oh!

- Really?
- Yes!

Oh! So, you... you don't...

Um...

Okay. Well, um...

I think... I mean,
that's... I'd better, erm...

There's a big tray of... of Rice
Krispie cakes in... in the staffroom

for Tess Smith's birthday, if you...

you know, if you wanted...
if that's your jam.

Jamsters!

Well, I think I'm a pretty
good judge of character,

you know, you have to be in my job,

and something about him just
says to me, "I made the stain."

And of course, I-I can
handle it, you know,

but what if I let it lie
and he... I dunno, you know,

kidnaps a student?

I mean, if you see something, say
something, right? What d'you think?

What do I think about what?

It doesn't matter.
What... what do you think?

- I think that's Reese Witherspoon.
- What?

At the table by the stairs.
Is that Reese Witherspoon?

No.

I think it is. Excuse me.

You know, Rob, I can see that you
have a vision of how to run Braeband.

But you need room to do it. Am I right?

Well, uh, yeah. I mean, I, uh...

And I have a vision of you unshackled
and free to excel. Is that crazy?

I've heard crazier things.

But you catch my drift, right?

James, I wonder if you heard,

we got the results from the
azithromycin trials through...

- quite interesting.
- Well, you know what's more interesting?

They have two different types
of chocolate mousse here.

Well, one's more of a cake,

but I'm gonna get 'em both.

What do you say, guys, shall
we get a few for the table?

Huh, Mr Harita?!

Jeffrey?! ***

Jeffrey?!

Jeffrey?

_

Hey. Um, Jeffrey's asleep.

Listen, are you around tomorrow?

I think he's ready to come home.

Ah... Oh, is the coast clear?

- Sorry? Oh, yeah, no, she's gone.
- Harita.

Well, I guess she had
to get her Tinder date

back to the orphanage before midnight.

- Sharon, great to meet you. Ah!
- Mm-hm.

Home slice, I'm gonna see you

- at the office. All right.
- All righty.

What?

- What was all that about?
- All what?

You were like a human laugh track

for every mean thing
he said about Harita.

Uh... look, he's my boss. I mean,
actually he's my boss's boss.

- And it was a joke, and it was funny!
- It wasn't funny. It's bullying.

Look, you don't have
to worry about Harita.

- She could eat the two of us for breakfast.
- No, f*ck that!

Seriously, I'm fed up with this sh*t.

I'm fed up with men just rubbing
their old balls on our desks, and...

you know, ordering chocolate
mousse for everyone.

You know, you didn't even try the
second one, and it was delicious.

Oh, who cares?!

Honestly, I've seen
you be shitty before,

but I've never seen you be so... small.

Jesus. It doesn't suit you.

What are you doing?

- Well, I thought you were...
- I just felt like slamming the door! Get in!

- Hey!
- Hi.

Where's Daphne?

Oh, she's with my mum.
Come here. Sit down.

Do you want some peach smoothie?

- I made extra.
- Sure.

Oh, wow!

Did-did you get these
peaches from our tree?

We don't have a peach tree.

- We...
- So, listen. Um...

if you find yourself getting...

upset over the next few minutes,
just take a deep breath, okay?

- W... why would I...
- We're leaving.

Is this because of New Zealand?

No. New Zealand is a
symptom. You're the problem.

You're not God. You can't make us safer.

We could still get meningitis
or hit by a car in New Zealand!

You... you need
to sort yourself out, Dave.

Okay. I-I-I'm gonna... I'm
gonna take a breath now.

I am doing this for us.

Okay? For our futures.

- I am trying to be a good father.
- That's not how you parent.

You parent by reading Daphne
a book about f*cking ducklings,

not by stocking a bunker
with two tons of rice.

Yeah, well, maybe I love
differently than you do.

Okay, Dave.

Can just you go, and let Daphne stay?

I didn't mean that.

I-I'm sorry. Catherine?!

f*ck!

Arrgh!

Ah!

Oh, God...

I've explained to Mrs Tucker

what you came in to
talk about the other day,

and I've also informed
her about the report back

from maintenance regarding the
leakage from the ceiling, which...

thankfully, explains the
moisture patch on your desk,

and indeed my trousers.

- Yeah.
- So...

I just wanted to check that
everything made sense to you,

and that you felt we had closure.

Yeah.

I... yeah. I feel, um...

I'm sorry about...

But, um...

Yeah.

Uh, well...

No.

Um, I mean that's fine about,...

you know, the patch,
the... the moisture patch.

That's all... I mean,
that's... that's clear...

but I-I just think there was a shortcut

to avoiding all of this, and
that's... don't sit on my desk,

because, uh, I mean, I'm not crazy.
If you hadn't of sat on my desk,

and I saw the moisture patch,

I... I never would've thought
it had anything to do with you,

because, um...

Well, my desk is a desk,
you know? It's not a chair.

So, uh, all good now.

Oh! And, um...

don't feel like you need to tell
me my blouse is nice, because...

I mean, thank you, but I know it's nice,

you know? I got it at Whistles.

And the whole, you know,

"Not many people could pull
that off" thing comment,

it just made me feel a little bit...

That's all.

But, uh, I'm glad you summoned me.

So, yeah! I think now we do
have closure on the matter.

Yeah.

I make my own career decisions, okay?

I just want you to be
my mum, not my manager.

Of course!

Thank you.

Uh, shall I take that?

Well, I, um... dunno.

That's my bag.

You can say no, um,

and I was thinking that maybe...

maybe me and Jeffrey come as a package.

- And I know you're still with Douglas...
- I broke up with Douglas.

Me, too.

Uh, I mean with Tanya.

We might not have been Romeo
and Juliet, Fran, but...

at least we were... Bull Durham and...

you know, whoever Susan Sarandon played.

When I saw you at the party,

you looked so beautiful.

Then, when I made you laugh,

it made me wanna be your husband
again so f*cking badly that I

had no choice but to b*at the sh*t
out of my d*ck when I got home.

I thought I'd have to go to hospital.

I practically yanked it off.

And... how is it now? Is it...

better?

Oh, it's still very messed up.

Mm?

Well, you better come in, then.

Rob, we'd like to offer
you SVP of European sales.

We think you've got the
goods. And you know what?

You're not a foot soldier.

You're a general. Or a
colonel! I'm the general.

Oh, wow! Well...

I dunno what to say, other
than, number one, thank you.

Uh, but, then, one-A,
that's Harita's job.

Mm. Well, as far as I can see,

there's nothing she can
do that you can't do.

And besides, I like you.

I like you, too.

Um, but where does that leave Harita?

She's out. She's gone.

Does she know she's gone?

Not yet.

- Is that Johnny Squirty-Pants?
- Don't look at him. Just keep walking.

I think this is gonna be
my last year at Kingscote.

I'll find another school.

I might go to bed for six
months, maybe, you know,

do a bit of embroidery. Is
that okay? I'm really tired.

Well, before you climb under
the duvet, I have some news.

James offered me a promotion today.

- Really?
- Yeah. Harita's job.

Oh, my God!

f*cking hell!

Those bastards! What did you say to him?

Well, I told him I'd
have to think about it,

but... then on the way over here
I was thinking about what you said

the other night, about Harita,

and men sitting on women's
desks, and I thought...

"I don't wanna be that person."

So I called him back and
I told him I wasn't gonna

do Harita like that,
and I turned it down.

Right!

Right. Well, I'm proud of you.

That's great. You should
be proud of you, too.

You know, you let them know
they wronged Harita, and...

and you have a problem with that.
That's great. You said your piece.

- I guess I did.
- And tomorrow...

you know, maybe tonight if you
can get them on the phone, you...

you tell them you've had a think,
and, you know, you're ready for this.

You're... you're ready to lead
the company in a bold new...

just, blah-blah-blah. I mean, I'm
not gonna put words in your mouth.

You'll figure it out.

What? I turned it down because of you,

because of what you said. I
thought you'd be proud of me.

I am proud of you. I just
said I was proud of you.

I just don't think we can afford
to be idealistic, with our mortgage

and credit-card debt, and,

you know, you said you wanted
your... you teeth whitened.

Okay...

Oh, don't be all...
Come on. You're the best.

We'll be grand.