04x06 - Episode 6

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Catastrophe". Aired: January 2015 to February 2019.
"Catastrophe" begins with a one-week stand between a Boston ad exec and a London schoolteacher that leads to an accidental pregnancy. When Rob moves to the UK to help figure things out, cultures clash and hormones flare as these two realize they don't know the first thing about each other.
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04x06 - Episode 6

Post by bunniefuu »

That was horrible.

You should be able to handcuff
your kids to the airplane seat.

They'd be all "waaah" for a
minute, and then they'd be fine.

Have a super trip to Vermont!

Hope you get trampled by a moose.

- What a monster.
- I know! I mean, what was her problem?

Frankie only threw up on
her two or three times.

If she didn't want kids talking to her,

she shouldn't have worn
a f*cking Shrek jumper.

Oh, God, I need to stop for a second.

I'm so tired I could cry.

Well, put on your sunglasses and cry!

I can't. Muireann popped
one of the lenses out.

Oh, honey!

- Sir?
- Hm?

Oh, shit. Thanks.

We'll get it in a minute!


- Hi!
- Hi!

Get over here.



- What is that smell?
- It's us.

Oh. Well, it's at least...
great to see you.

OK. Let's go.

- Let's hit the beach!
- Yes!


Is that the radio?

Mom's d*ad!

- She died!
- What?

- Come on!
- No!

- What? No. What? I don't...
- What?

I talked to her right
before we got on the plane!

She asked me to bring
her Colman's Mustard!

I... I found her in her
bedroom this morning!

- What happened?
- I don't know yet.

We think it's probably a heart att*ck.

- Do you want me to drive?
- No.

OK. All good.

Did the paramedics try
to resuscitate her?

They did not. She was
cold when they got here.

Did they try everything? I
mean, should I go up there

- and try to...
- No!


- Oh!
- Mm.

Are you OK?

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

- You know.
- Yeah.

Um, Pat, this is my brother Rob.

- Oh!
- And this is my Sharon.

This is Rob's Sharon. This is Sharon.

Rob... I am so sorry for your loss.

Thank you.

- It's terrible.
- Yeah.

It's just... terrible.

Did you tell 'em about last night?

She just... She didn't
seem herself to me.

- She didn't seem herself... to you?
- Not to me.

No. We were... having
soup from Five Corners.

She loves their soup. And so
we were just in the kitchen,

- slurping on that.
- Oh!

But her eyes seemed cloudy to me.

And she said...

She... She said a couple of
times how tired she was.


All right. I'm gonna
go get us some lunch.

Thank you.

Mia said you were a big corned-beef
guy when you were a kid.

- You still like corned beef?
- I'm gonna go see my mom now.

All right. Well, I'll just get
a few different meats, then,

- just to be safe.
- Yes.

All right.

People die when we visit.

Your dad died when we went to Ireland,

and now my mom.

I mean, we can Skype or
write letters to your mom,

but if we visit her... she'll die.

We have a dark power.


I was just wondering if there
was anyone we SHOULD visit.

Maybe we should visit Fergal.

That's not funny.

It's nice seeing you laugh.

She looked kind of beautiful,
didn't she, lying there.

She really did.

Do you think Pat went up there
and did her hair and makeup?



I dunno. Sounds like they
had a pretty great rapport.

I don't like that he was
here when she died.

f*ck' grief vampire.

What do you think his problem is?

What do I think his problem is?!

What, that he loves your sister
and he seems really kind,

and he made us that great lunch?

He put meat on a tray.

Yeah, but I think he
smoked that meat himself.

I'll f*ck' smoke HIS meat.

When do you think the service will be?

We're aiming for Friday.

We might need to stick around
for a few days afterwards,

- just to help sort out her affairs.
- OK.

How long do you think that will take?

I dunno.

- But approximately?
- I dunno!

- So I should cancel the hotel?
- Yup.

Do you think you still might
want to go down to the beach?

- I don't know!
- OK, honey. I was just... you know.

- It might be good for the kids.
- Yeah, well, I tell you what.

Why don't you go to the beach,

and I'll stay here and
go to my mom's funeral.

I'm gonna go to your mom's funeral!

Just after that, maybe we
should go to the beach.

You'll still be sad. Just...
why not be sad on the beach?

- I'll still be sad?
- I'll be sad too...

...at the beach.

Looks great!

Oh! It's for my mother-in-law's funeral.

- Hey.
- Hey.

How'd you get on?

- You get a nice suit?
- Probably four sizes too big,

but it was 75 bucks, so...
Did you get that dress?

Yeah. I got the blue bikini as
well, because it was so cheap.

Also, you never know.

There's another swimsuit
store up here I saw.

- I wanted to have a look. Do you mind?
- Rob! Rob Norris?


- How you doing, man?
- What's up?

Oh, wow! Hey, Sharon,

this is Tim Cabot. We worked
together for years at Frye and Loeb.

- Tim, this is my wife Sharon.
- Hi, Tim.

Sharon! I had a little girlfriend
in fat camp called Sharon.

- You're not from Toronto, are you?
- Er, no!

I'll take your word for it.

- How you doing, man?
- Pretty good, you know?

Started my own business. Got tired
of making those donkeys rich.

What the hell are you doing back here?

Did London kick you out once they
found out you were a bigamist?

N... No. Um, my mom died yesterday.

Holy shit! I am sorry to hear that.

Yeah, my mom died 11 years ago.
It sucks not having a mom.

I don't care that I'm 56.
I still want my mommy!

Listen, let's get together
when it's a better time.

- OK.
- Maybe Sharon could

fall in love with Boston,

and I could entice you
to come work for me.

Unless you don't like box seats
at Fenway or lobster Fridays!

I like those things.

Oh! Got ya.

- All right, man.
- Listen, I gotta roll. Gimme a call.

- OK.
- Sharon.

Oh, man! Wow!

Still mourning after 11 years. Wow!

Yeah, looks that way. Guess
you better not ask HIM

to go bikini shopping with you.

What's that supposed to
mean? Is that a dig at me?

I'm devastated too, you know.

And, worse, you're inconvenienced.


I feel awful for you. Of course I do.

And for me. Really awful, but...

Am I sad for us, that it
happened on our family holiday?

Yeah! I'm sorry, but I am.
We've had a really tough year,

and it's just horrible luck.

Yeah. I hear what you're saying.
It is sad about the holiday.

Why don't you take that
feeling and put it in a box,

and then try and kick it up your
own assh*le while I bury my mom?

Oh, sweetheart!

- I'm so sorry.
- Thank you, Jan.

I know Mia was looking forward to
seeing Frankie and, er, the girl.

- Muireann.
- Moo... Yes. Of course. Mm-hm.

Hi. I'm Sharon. Very sad.

Bobby, can I talk to you for a second?


- Your dad's here.
- Oh!

- Wow!
- Sydney won't come out of her room.

She doesn't wanna see him.

- Where is he?
- He's in the bathroom.

He's been in there for 20 minutes.
I think he's taking a shower.

But when he gets out, probably
best we ask him to leave.

Let's just hit the brakes
there for a second.

There's the big guy!

I know who YOU are.

Welcome to New England.

So, is Rob showing you a good time?

Well, we've been getting
ready for the funeral.

Make sure he takes you to
Woodman's for some fried clams.


Hey! Who's this little guy?

Er, that's your grandson.

Well, how about that?

Hey, are you OK? I mean,
you look a little yellow.

Oh, yeah. It's a little cirrhosis.

- I'm on some list for a new liver.
- Jesus!

I wanna be honest, I'm not
priority, but why should I be?

I always rode it hard
and put it away wet.

Anyways, good news about Brexit, huh?

Oh, I forgot. You're a bigot.

Oh, come on. It's just about borders.

What, you gonna build a
house without walls?

It'd be nuts!

Plus it'll give your cousins
in the IRA something to do.


We don't owe him anything. He wasn't
even there when you were born.

He met you when you were four days old.

f*ck' assh*le. You know who WAS there?

I was there! I was five.

I'm not telling you what to do,

but if you told him you forgive him,

even if you don't mean
it, you'll feel better,

cos he's gonna die soon.

You can forgive someone
when they're d*ad.

Yeah, exactly! I'm not on his timeline.

He chose to live that way.
You reap what you sow.

Oh, God. My uncle had cirrhosis.

It was disgusting. It was a bad end.

Thank you.

I'm right here. Whatever you need.

In a lot of ways she was a great mom.

She used to cook us
casseroles in the morning.

She'd read somewhere that breakfast

was the most important meal of the day,

so she used to get up at 5:00 AM

and prep a big pot of
meat and vegetables,

and we'd just sit there
and sweat and eat it.

And she did good deeds, too.

We found that out when we
were going through her stuff.

She raised money for spinal surgeries

for kids through her eBay sales.

There's just a button on
eBay where you can donate,

and that's what she did. Her
friend Sally gave me an email

that she sent her. I'll read it.

"I heard about these babies. Their
spines are like corkscrews,

but once they have these
surgeries, it's beautiful."

"They can play hockey or rollerblade."

"I mean, I wouldn't have to do it at all

if this government gave a rat's
ass about disabled kids."

"They'd be happy to just
throw 'em out the window."

"I bet Mike Pence spends his Sundays

throwing disabled kids out of windows."

"Looks like he would,

that f*ck' microwaved-apple
lookin' ass f*ck."

I'd go on, but it gets worse.

Please join us at Archie's
for fried stuff and drinks.

Thank you.

Oh, honey!

I dunno why I'm...

- You miss her.
- Oh, no.


I hated Obama, but I respect him.
You'd think after eight years,

he'd wanna put his feet up,
instead of spending all that time

- organising fake school sh**t.
- Jesus!

Why are you here, outside of
looking for a donor liver?

I'm here to pay my respects to your mom.

- Oh, really?
- Really.


- You look like a f*ck' Minion.
- I don't even know what that is.

Is that bad?

Is it?


Oh, for God's sake!

Oh, God!


Did you see my dad f*ck'
followed us here?


He's probably filling his
pockets with chowder crackers.

Are you OK?

- Yeah. Sorry. I'm just...
- Oh!

I didn't realise you loved her so much.

No, I didn't. I'm just... Sorry!

You just keep talking,
cos I gotta take a whiz.

Ugh! I think maybe it's...

I think maybe it's jetlag
or something, you know?

- Oh...
- Shit!

Do you have a tampon?

Um, no. I don't think so.
I haven't had my, um...

- Oh, f*ck!
- What?

My period's four days late.
Hang on. Is today Wednesday?

- No. It's Friday.
- It's six days late!

I haven't been to a funeral in
quite a while. I usually skip 'em.

Really? Is this the first
funeral you've been to

where you broke the jar of
the deceased while drunk?

She told you about that?


Well, I thought about that a lot, and...

all's I can say is, I hit her way
less than my dad hit my mom.

And I spoke to Sharon, and she
says you don't hit her at all,

so... it's all going in
the right direction.

And look at that little guy.

He's gonna be even better than you.

- Can I talk to you for a second?
- Yeah.

Er... what do you wanna
do about your dad?

He upsets Sydney, and...
he's quite yellow.

Are we taking his word for it

that he's not contagious with all that?

Look, Pat, you seem like a great guy,

or at least Sydney thinks that you are.

But as far as I'm concerned,

you're just some guy
that I met yesterday,

who's sticking his nose
into my family's assh*le.

- I know you're upset.
- That's some insight there, Dr Phil.

So I'm not gonna take offence to that.

Would you rather take
offence to me telling you

to shut your Guy Smiley muppet-hole

and f*ck off behind
that plant over there?

- Rob...
- All right, man.


Oh, great! Good work, Pat!

Oh, my God... Oh, what? Shit!

You know, you should probably
get HER contact info

so you can be there when she dies.

Share a cup of soup with
her on her deathbed

while her kids are banging
on the window to be let in.

OK. Maybe you should go
outside and get some air.

- I'd like that!
- Great.

I'm very sorry.


Are you OK?

Yeah. It's just been a long day.

Tim Cabot called me earlier.


The guy you went to fat
camp with in Toronto.

Oh, Tim!

- What did he want?
- He offered me a job.

A really good one.

- Wow! That's gotta feel nice.
- Yeah, it does.

- And frustrating.
- Why?

- Well, since you can't take it.
- Why? Why can't I take it?

Because we don't live here.

But we could. I mean, why not?
It'd be like a new adventure.

The kids'd love it, you know, and
if we sold our place in London,

we could pay cash for a house
in Swampscott, Massachusetts.

I don't wanna live somewhere
called Swampscott.

All right, then. Saugus!

Jesus, who names these places?
I just wanna get home, OK?

I just wanna get back to normal.

Look, I uprooted my life for you

and moved away from my family,
and now my mom is d*ad.

My dad's old, and the biggest organ
in his body is shutting off.

And my sister seems
strong, but she needs me.

Yeah, but they know you have a
family in London that needs you too,

and also... they've got Pat now.

OK. We could argue about this all night,

but I'm taking the job,
and we're staying.

You can't just tell me what I'm doing.

- I'm not a f*ck' handmaid.
- Whoa, whoa. When I said "we",

I meant me and the kids.


I mean, you could be a part of our "we",

or you could just as easily f*ck off,

but I'm staying here with the kids.

OK, I know you're grieving,

and in a little while you'll
feel really bad and apologise,

but even suggesting I live in a
different country from my kids

is a good way to get the ball
rolling on your own funeral.

And I don't mean to sound
psychopathic, but I will k*ll you.

I f*ck' dare you to k*ll me.

You wouldn't last a minute, trying
to raise these kids on your own.

Do you know how hard I would
laugh if you k*lled me?

- Ha! Not as hard as me.
- Oh, it'd be a welcome relief.

From the day I met you, I've
struggled to make you happy,

and it never works. Have
you ever done one thing,

I mean, one thing, just for me?

What, other than grow and feed
and raise all of your babies?

- Other than that.
- Countless blow jobs.

Countless?! I'm pretty sure I can
count to 23 over four years.

- I get claustrophobic!
- Well, you know what?

You're mean and you're selfish
and nobody likes you.

Oh, is that so? Well,
I don't really care.

More importantly, I don't like you.

"Hi, this is Fergal.
Please leave a message."

Is everything OK with you guys?

Well, I'm not sure I have
a short answer for that.


I called Dad, and we're
gonna have lunch next week,

so... Yeah.

If I can do that,

I think you can sort things
out with Sharon, right?

Oh! Er, I have something
for you, before you leave.

OK, wait.

Listen, er...

I don't wanna bother Rob with this,

but can you let him know that...

I'm sorry if I tried to
take the wheel too much.

Yeah. I might have to mail
it to him in a letter,

cos he's not talking to
me right now, but sure.

And anyway, don't worry about it.

- You've been great.
- Ahh.

- You're a real rock for Sydney.
- Well, I try to be.

I think that's what Rob needs, too.

A rock.

Huh? I'm a rock.

- I'm his rock.
- Oh! Okey-dokey.

- Yeah.
- Yeah! Of course.


So, this came last night. I
thought you'd wanna have it,

cos she bought it before she died.

She's been falling asleep in the
middle of her eBay auctions.

She bought a ceramic banana
last week for $1,500

cos she conked out on the re-bid button.

- I'm sorry, Pat.
- Nn-nn.


- Can you pull over?
- Yeah. Are you OK?

Yeah. Just wanna tell you something.

It's weird, you know. When you're here,

you don't feel like you're in a
white-nationalist ethno-state

run by a fake pee-cratic dictator.

You just feel like you're
on a pretty beach.


You'd never know.

I'm sorry that you find it a
struggle to make me happy.

Because really, you make
me happy every day.

I mean most days.

Honey, I seriously didn't mean
those awful things that I said.

I just thought, you know,
"What would be meanest?"

Yeah, but I get why you said it.

So let's do it, you know?

Let's move here.

We could have a good life here.

Look, I'm a husk of a man.

And if you wanna be with this,

then, I don't care where we do it.

It could be London or
Boston or f*ck' Cairo.

Just tell me where to be
and when, and I'll do it.

I'm pregnant.

I know. I saw the test in the trash can.

You left it, like, on top
of the pile of trash,

and I figured it wasn't
Sydney's or my mom's.

Oh, God!

What do you think?

- I threw up when I saw it.
- Yeah. Me, too.

But then I thought...

why not?

I mean, it could be fun.
What do you think?

Yesterday I definitely didn't wanna
have any more of your children,

but... I mean, now, sitting here,

and you look so handsome...

I really wanna have it.

I really wanna push out
a tiny little baby

and just kiss it and smell it.

- Can I ask you something?
- I didn't fart.

There's an algae here that smells
like... It smells like my farts.

No. Just...

...do you think we would've
ended up together?

I mean, if you hadn't've got
me pregnant the first time.

If I met you right now,

I'd still wanna f*ck you for a week,

and get you pregnant and marry you,

and mess it all up from there.

Let's do that, then.

Do you wanna jump in quickly?
The kids are asleep.

- No.
- Why?

I don't wanna have fun right now.

- What are you doing?
- Having fun!


Thought you didn't wanna swim!

I didn't like seeing you
adrift in there on your own.
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