02x06 - S-H-- Shipping

[bunniefuu]

MILLER: Morning, students! Please settle.

"What is this..." A-S... "assembly about?"

I don't know. Ray, what is this about?

Shh!

It's a celebration of the Mexican

Día de Los Muertos holiday.

What? [LAUGHS] Come on, man.

That was just Dylan messing with you.

- [LAUGHTER]
- You're kidding.

Sorry, Ray. It's Homecoming Week.

Prank season, baby.

MILLER: Can I have your attention, please?

I-It's a very exciting
time. It's Homecoming Week.

And Lafayette is
welcoming our new students!

Now, who better to
welcome them to Lafayette

than Lafayette himself?

What?

From the hit musical "Hamilton"?

STUDENT: Don't rap!

[HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYS]

Throw your hands in the air!

[FEEDBACK]

[RAPPING] ♪ Je suis Lafayette,
and I'm here to say ♪

♪ My school is so inclusive,
and JJ paved the way ♪

♪ We've got some new students,
or should I say friends ♪

♪ I'm 'bout to introduce
them, so whip out them pens ♪

♪ We have Cody who has
autism, and Nora with CP ♪

♪ Davey's blind, and Bella
has muscular dystrophy ♪

I say "muscular." You say "dystrophy."

Dystrophy! Yes, girl! Look at her go!

She got moves, man. Unh!

[SCHOOL BELL RINGS]

"Stacey, your shirt has a stain on it."

[LAUGHING] Oh! Every time!

I'm gonna get you one
of these days, DiMeo.

Dang, that was smooth.

You got an extra laser I
can borrow this weekend?

Coming through. Excuse me.

♪

Seriously? You're just
gonna leave an aide hanging?

- Okay.
- Oh, my God.

You and Nora are so cute together.

"The girl who just passed me?"

Um, we could all feel the electricity.

Something to think about.

So it begins.

They're shipping you.

When people are dying
to get a couple together,

like Khaleesi and Jon Snow

or Mulder and Scully.

"But why her?"

Because you both got CP.

It's like when people
always try to get me to date

their only black friend.

"That's... stupid."

That's shipping for
you... Horny profiling.

♪

Oi! Is Ray in there with his girlfriend?

And what does that sign mean?

I think it means what it says...

"I don't respect you or your rules,

and I want to make you a grandmother."

[INHALES DEEPLY] Cover yourselves!

- [DOOR CLOSES]
- I will not have my children's room

turned into a den of iniquity.

Mom, we're talking about our (K)s.

Oh, spare me the cute names for
your "Eyes Wide Shut" depravity!

Wait... Oh.

Wait. Do you mean like a (K)
like the... the money thingy?

Oh, my God. This skin.

We realized that even if

we max out our retirement
contributions...

Which you know we will.

We'll still end up crawling
into our golden years

with, what, grand?

What's that gonna buy us in ?

A semi-private room in some
bad neighborhood on Mars?

Bloody hell. Is this
why you needed privacy?

Yeah, why else would we need it?

Oh, yeah, no, why else? Why else?

Gosh, I don't know.

♪

- [LAUGHING] You okay?
- Oh, my God.

I'm so glad we're not
like Ray and Taylor.

I'm with you on Ray, but Taylor?

- That skin!
- I know.

But they talk and they talk,

and they worry about the future...

I mean, things you and I
haven't even thought about yet.

They're getting a (K) thingy.

We have a (K).

Oh, well, that's a relief.

Is it? Oh. I'll get one.

But I love the way we live.

We don't overanalyze things.

We don't plan things to death.

These aren't bills, they're a fan.

That's not a fan, it's broken.

But we sent Ray so far
in the other direction.

I think we made him weird.

I'm a big nature-over-nurture guy.

It makes parenting a lot easier.

♪

Hi, everyone. Dylan DiMeo.

I'm usually not much of a joiner,

but I'm so pumped for this meeting.

I've been studying up
on our school's pranks

through the ages.

These yearbooks?

Don't let the word "book" scare you...

They're money!

Dylan, do you know why we're here?

Like the sign said...

"Student Council Prank Meeting."

Right, to discuss our school-wide

"No pranks" initiative we've instituted.

The council voted unanimously,

and the student body
agrees... No more pranks.

The time has come to move past

micro-aggressions
masquerading as tradition.

But I love micro-aggressions
masquerading as tradition!

Check out this crew
from the Class of ' ...

The Prankenstein Monsters?

They waterproofed the principal's office

and turned it into a fishbowl.

A fishbowl!

What happened to the fish afterwards?

They stayed fish!

Look, you guys, we're kids.

We have our whole lives to
be cautious and sensitive.

That's all adulthood
is... Worrying about fish.

Let's be young and fun together.

Who's with me?

[SCOFFS]

♪

I am so not voting for
any of you next year.

JJ, we have the most genius idea.

You should date Nora.

[LAUGHTER]

[SIGHS]

You know who you should date? Nora.

I feel like this could've waited.

♪

Want to cut in front of me?

You're JJ.

"And you're Nora."

And together we're...

- Jora!
- [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

It's offensive.

Even my silent goon aide
thinks we should be together.

"How long can this..."
S-H... "...shipping go on?"

Shippers never give up.

Fighting it only makes them ship harder.

Why don't we give them
what they want, then?

Let's date.

"Nora, I'm flattered, but..."

I'll finish the thought. You seem mean.

Not a real relationship. A fake one.

Give the babies their bottles,

then break up and get on with our lives.

Huh.

Y-You know what I kind
of like about that plan?

You in a relationship makes other girls

see you as dateable.

"I guess it's Jora time."

It's happening!

♪

Ray, I need your help.

The kids at school stink.

You and I are gonna pull off

a giant brother-sister homecoming prank.

Dylan, we're trying
to plan a future here.

We don't have time for micro-aggressions

masquerading as tradition.

[GASPS]

You.

You did this.

You're welcome to use the suggestion box

just as much as I am.

[GRUNTS]

Okay, back to reality.

In ,

we'll move to Scottsdale
because of the...

BOTH: Low income tax and
solar-based energy grid.

But we'll need a house that's big enough

for us, our kids,

and maybe both of our
special-needs brothers.

I'm Logan's only sibling,
so can JJ live with Dylan?

She'd be open to that,
but would her husband?

She'd need to marry someone who
loves JJ and wants him around.

Hey, y'all hear this
mess about Lafayette

banning homecoming pranks?

The hell!

[DING!]

♪

Root beer... You both like root beer.

What is this? What are you doing?

We're not doing anything.

But when something's meant to be,

it just happens itself.

What's with the weird looks?

Can I just get back to my sandwich?

You know who loves sandwiches?

This eligible bachelorette.

- Did you see that look?
- Chills.

Wait a second!

Are you trying to ship me and Dylan?

Oh, gross!

Not until you're ! Just
promise yourself to him.

- Ray, what are you doing?
- What have we told you

about trying to marry
off your sister, Ray?

Somebody rich!

You guys ruin everything!

If they don't get together,

it is bye-bye Scottsdale
for Taylor and me.

We're doomed!

Ray, pull yourself together!

Ooh! May I do that again?
It was very satisfying.

Sorry! Darling, you are weird.

And, Taylor, you're far too
pretty for this nonsense.

Your father and I are to blame.

We broke you, and
we're going to fix you.

- How?
- Yeah, how?

We're gonna teach you to let
go, stop thinking so much.

- Let's take them on a double date tomorrow.
- That sounds fun.

We have been looking for couple friends.

So weird.

♪ I've got a crush on you ♪

♪ I hope you love me, too ♪

♪ I've got a crush on you ♪

♪ With a love that is so true ♪

♪ I know we could share ♪

♪ Our love's beyond compare ♪

♪ It would fill my heart with joy ♪

♪ Just be my loverboy ♪

♪ One more time ♪

What is your story, man?

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

Dylan? What are you doing?

Is this part of a prank?

Nope.

I'm off the whole prank thing.

So I figured I'd try this.

I just wanted to be
a part of something...

Check.

And have some fun... Ch...

[SIGHS] I'm sorry.

I can't in good conscience say "check."

Well, I'm glad you're here. Take these.

Go spruce up Dr. Miller's office.

♪

Dylan? Are you okay?

I was born at the wrong time.

You should be fish.

You should all be fish!

♪

I've seen people do this on TV,

but I'll be honest...

I do not know what I'm looking for.

Well, if you see the last
minutes of my life,

can I have it back?

Darling, just hit the
ball. Don't overthink it.

Well, I can help you not think.

Oh, good.

I downloaded an app that determines

the best angle for putting.

Oh, no. No, no, no, no, no, no.

Just turn your brain off,
darling, and swing at it.

Jimmy, go on... Show him.

- [THUD]
- MAN: Ow!

Ooh. Yeah, no, just like that,

but don't hit the fat guy.

He nailed him!

What if he sues?

It'll affect your family's credit.

Oh, no!

What would we do if our credit was bad?

Maybe they'll take Ray's
college fund, as well.

You're the reason I'm like this!

♪

And a little red flair here.

[CHUCKLES]

"Wow, Nora.

You're as good at
painting homecoming floats

as you are at kissing."

I have amazing news, everyone.

JJ and Nora have been nominated

for Homecoming King and Queen!

- [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
- Whoo-hoo!

Do the Homecoming King and
Queen get to give a speech?

Great, then we can get up there

and tell everybody how
stupid they've been.

"I know these people.

I don't want to call anybody stupid."

Sometimes you have to
hit people over the head

to educate them.

"I'm not here to educate anybody.

All I want is to meet some girls

and eat some candy."

If you're not gonna
educate them, who will?

"I guess you, alone.

It's been real.

Well..." F-A... "fake real."

♪

I'm finishing.

It's not the float's fault
you can't hang on to a man.

Beautiful.

MAN: the second time!

[LAUGHTER]

Whoa. Are you Cherry b*mb Dom?

Been a long time since
anyone called me that.

You guys were the
notorious pranksters...

The Prankenstein Monsters!

Oof.

You've been pranked... by time.

Don't give time all the credit.

I'm also an alcoholic.

- [LAUGHTER]
- See ya, kid.

Look, I've been trying
to get a crew to pull off

the most memorable homecoming prank

Lafayette High has ever seen.

Who better to help me than you guys?

Well, uh... thanks for
the offer there, kiddo,

but, uh, we hung it up a long time ago.

Except for Joey. He stills streaks.

Nobody wants that, man.

Come on! Don't you guys hate

how sensitive this school's become?

We used to be the Vikings,
but that's "too violent,"

so we're the Sea Slugs.

And the student council
just outlawed pranks!

The stupid council did what?

Whoa! No way. I need you guys!

Yeah? Screw it. We're in.

[LAUGHTER]

I've finally found my people.

And you guys are so old,

I bet this will count
as my community service!

♪

How are we still on this same hole?

I have no sh*t.

I'm just gonna hit your ball
and knock it closer to the hole,

so that way, at least one of
us has a chance to succeed.

Guys, it's just miniature golf.

And no one is succeeding.

We've already lost six balls.

We're just trying to communicate.

Oh.

Expressing yourself

so you can feel heard
and get on the same page.

Exactly.

Yeah, don't do that.

I mean, look at us.

Plenty happens in our relationship.

We don't over-examine it.

Your dad doesn't like
Ryan Gosling films,

so I go and see them by myself.

Several times.

Your mom's got a drawer
full of rubber bands

on her side of the bed.

I don't know why. Don't care to ask.

Finger g*ns. I sh**t
you while you sleep.

Sounds fun.

We used to go to Vegas all the time.

One day, your dad hates Vegas.

Why? It's a mystery.

But one I'm not interested in.

Uh, let's not get into the
Vegas thing in front of the kids.

- Why?
- You know why.

What? No, I don't. I really don't.

Because he's too cheap to gamble.

That's not why. You know.

Blackjack math makes him feel dumb?

Just sh**t your ball.

Well, now I care. So what is it?

[SCOFFS] You're kidding, right?

Last time I was in
Vegas was years ago,

Eddie's bachelor party?

You wanted to bring JJ to the doctor

'cause you thought something was up,

and I said, "You're nuts!"

So I go off, and you take
him to the doctor alone,

and I learn that

our son has this life-changing diagnosis

on a pay phone in a
casino miles away.

And whatever I do, if I live to be ,

I'm not gonna make up for
the fact that I left you alone

at the scariest moment of our life.

You hold on to all that?

I don't think they're
gonna be our couple friends.

Hi, JJ.

You and Nora are so cute together.

You know, I have to admit,

I am a little disappointed
that you're taken.

JJ is listening.

Well, um, if you're ever available,

I would love to introduce
you to my cousin Sue.

She's single, ready to mingle,

and, most importantly,
she has spina bifida.

She's in a wheelchair like you!

♪

KENNETH: Nora!

"I changed my mind.

Screw these people.

Let's win and give that speech."

Let's do it.

Vote for Jora...
Homecoming King and Queen!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

Hey, hey, hey, hey! No,
no, no, no, no, no, no!

Hey, hey!

That's not how we want to win. Okay?

Another hole in one?

That's like five in a row.

Do I not suck at something?

You weren't overanalyzing it.

You were kind of just
mindlessly chitchatting.

I wouldn't say mindlessly.

Your parents might be right
about us overthinking things.

Maybe they were.

Are they okay?

Do you want to go back and talk to them?

I should.

Dear God! They're catching up!

Gotta get it.

I hate, hate, hate that
you've held onto this

for so many years.

You're right.

It's good that I wasn't there for you.

I was there for Eddie,
my most r*cist friend,

who turned out to be the least r*cist

of his group of friends.

We don't talk about things.
Let's go back to doing that.

Jimmy, we've got to talk about this.

Uh. [SIGHS]

Nothing would've been
different if you'd been there.

It was just one night.

You've been there every day
and every night ever since.

I don't hold it against you, Jimmy.

[INHALES SHARPLY] That makes one of us.

Well...

I was gonna wait till you were asleep

to give you this.

But I think it's probably better now.

Hurts a lot, actually.

[SCHOOL BELL RINGS]

Pete, you'll be on lookout.

Doug, gonna set you in
the stands before the game.

Joey, you head into that storage room

and bring out all the Viking stuff...

With clothes on.

Meanwhile, we'll get Miller's car keys

while she's addressing the crowd.

Gonna need somebody fast.

How 'bout Ben's wife?

[LAUGHTER]

Hey, hey, hey, hey!

Come on! Keep it clean.

That's not what your
mom said last night.

[LAUGHTER]

♪

Oh, you're leaving me. That seems fair.

I'm leaving with you.

Our flight leaves in minutes.

Where are we going?

Oh, I'm not talking. It's our thing.

[CHUCKLES] All right.

But you're gonna have to check that.

It's way too big for a carry-on.

It's okay. I know a guy.

A guy who can make overhead bins larger?

[MARCHING BAND PLAYS]

[LAUGHTER]

I feel a little conspicuous.

Be cool.

We're just five old
dudes and a young girl

wearing all black at a football game.

[CHUCKLES]

Look at us being all spontaneous.

The old us would've agonized
over where to sit for an hour.

But these were the first seats we saw,

and they're great.

And this $ popcorn?

An impulsive delight.

I like the new no-thinking us.

You know what?

So do I.

Forget thinking.

Taylor...

I love you.

Whoa!

Ray, it's... It's way too soon for that.

Get it, Taylor?

That's... That's what I'm talking about.

Some thinking.

Balance.

♪

Hello, everyone.

Are you ready to crown your
Homecoming King and Queen?

Yay!

STUDENT: Don't rap again!

- [LAUGHTER]
- Let the white lady rap!

I wasn't going to.

What's up, homies?

It's going down.

The king and the queen,
they 'bout to get crowned.

- [DRUMROLL, FANFARE]
- And the lucky couple is...

Josh Porter and Mariabelle Jackson!

Yay!

- [MARCHING BAND PLAYS]
- [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

Wow. I really thought we'd win,

but they went with a run-of-the-mill

hot white couple.

Our king...

"Guess that's..." P-R... "progress?"

I guess this school isn't
as far gone as I thought.

"I guess you're right."

Yeah.

Too bad we have to break up,

because I got jealous
that Kendall Jenner

kept sending you e-mails constantly!

♪

Am I nuts? I'm kinda feeling you two.

♪

At a time where no one understood me,

you guys were there.

It's been an absolute
honor working with you.

Thanks for bringing
us in on this, Dylan.

From now on, consider yourself

an honorary Prankenstein Monster.

[LAUGHTER]

Dylan, we'll take the back.

It's your idea. You drive.

Whoa.

I won't let you guys down.

Saddle up, boys, because
this is gonna be huge.

All right, you heard the
lady! Saddle up, fellas!

♪

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

Death to Sea Slugs! Go, Vikings!

[CHEERING CONTINUES]

That's my car, dawg.

♪

We did it, guys.

Guys?

[CROWD CHANTING "DYLAN!"]

Wait. What?

[LAUGHTER]

You guys pranked me? No way!

You guys are frickin' legends!

- [LAUGHTER]
- Hey!

Hey, hey, hey!

[CHANTING CONTINUES]

Dylan DiMeo, you come
back here right now!

Give me my keys, girl!

[CROWD CHEERS]

Oh, my God! Streaker!

[LAUGHS]

Woo-hoo!

[SLOT MACHINES DINGING]

I-I kind of figured

some of the clothes in that suitcase

would've been mine.

Oh, no, you get the surprise,
I get the costume change.

Oh. This is very sweet.

Well, I thought it was time
for us to make a new memory.

[CHUCKLES]

Can you forgive yourself?

Well, by all appearances,

I'm paying you by the hour.

It would be dumb to waste
it b*ating myself up.

Maybe Ray and Taylor were right.

We could stand to talk a bit more.

Yeah, let's.

But not tonight.

Should we go back up to the room

I have no idea how
we're going to pay for?

[SCOFFS] Honey, I got this.

Hmm?

Okay. Come on! Money for a room!

And whatever a (K) is!

MAN: Here we go!

DEALER: Winner, !

Yes! Ha!

- Let's do it.
- Wait.

Uh, my physical therapist

is coming to pick me up any second,

and I want you to meet her.

We got to get home.

"We really want you to meet..." A-Y-E...

"Ayeisha."

Seriously?

We think you'll have a
lot in common with her.

Oh, is that so?

After all you two just been through.

Let me guess one small
detail about Ayeisha.

♪

It's that she completes me. [CHUCKLES]

Well, there's shipping,
and then there's fate.

[CHUCKLES]

Hey, girl!