02x07 - B-R-I– BRITISH I-N-V– INVASION

[bunniefuu]

Right. I hope everyone's hungry. Jimmy?

Hey, Ray, you want a drumstick? Go deep.

Cut!

Jimmy, if you don't respect
Thanksgiving rehearsal,

what will you take seriously?

Mm. Nothing?

Tomorrow is the first time in five years

that my mother will have visited.

I would like it to go smoothly.

Let's rehearse again. Is
everyone clear who they are?

- I'm me.
- Me.

Well, I'm three people...
And not at all troubled

by the historical implications
of being assigned a value

as a fraction of a white person.

- Is that bad?
- It's not great.

Why can't Taylor be Taylor?

Because she alone has the
presence and regal bearing

to approximate my mother.

[BAD COCKNEY ACCENT]
I'm your dear old mumsy, I am.

Hey! We found something Taylor can't do.

KENNETH: Well, I'll miss
all the fun tomorrow.

I signed up to have dinner
with my dad... The Colonel.

- Don't get me started.
- We won't.

Jimmy, have you prepared your toast?

I sure have. [CLEARS THROAT]

I'd like to extend a warm
welcome to our honored guest.

Andrea, you are withholding and cold.

Also, you're this genius

who's been curing cancer for years,

yet you and I have cured the
exact same number of cancers.

Look, I get it. You don't
like it when she comes around.

I just don't like how you
turn into a different person.

- Oh, I'd love to see that.
- Well, you haven't heard how I'm different.

[LAUGHS] Doesn't matter.

She gets all nervous and sweaty,

and she starts apologizing for stuff.

It is nuts!

Here's an idea... instead
of looking for the approval

that she has never and
will never give you,

why not just be yourself?

There's a lovely idea.
Now back to reality.

My mother is extremely
exacting, and to that end,

this time, we will be prepared.

Dylan, read up on the
great Chelsea Football Club.

JJ, I've customized a board
with British witticisms.

Learn it.

And, Ray, please, will you catch up

on Mummy's favorite
show, "Wavendon Manor."

It's like "Downton Abbey," but less fun.

Great. That was my one
complaint about "Downton Abbey."

I just want everyone to
be on their best behavior.

And for God's sake, whatever you do,

don't mention her arch medical rival,

Ernst Bowman-Schrieber.

"But we love him so."

- [LAUGHS]
- Do you know what?

Clear off, 'cause I
got more cleaning to do.

Come on, Taylor. You're up.

[VACUUM CLEANER RUNNING]


This is so much better
than sitting at home

watching your mother freak out.

Hi. Give the kids whatever they want.

And I will have...

BOTH: The Godzilla Roll!

What's the Godzilla Roll?

"The biggest..." T-U

"tube of raw fish ya ever done seen."

Like a friggin' Duraflame log.

bucks a pop.

[CHUCKLES]

Oh. That's awful.

And... so fast.

Already made.

They just sit there for days
daring you to order them.

And if you finish it within an hour,

the whole table eats free.

Which isn't a problem, because
Dad is a legendary power-eater.

Please. I'm no hero.

I'm just a gross poor guy

who doesn't care what
he puts into his body.

- [TICKING]
- Thank you.

Let the games begin.

♪

- Dad, are you okay?
- I'm fine.

Why don't you guys go ahead
to the ice cream place?

I'll catch up. Order
me the Belly Buster.

Isn't he gross?

[TICKING CONTINUES]

I can't do it. I'm sorry.

I know we're kind of
all in this together

and you guys are rooting for me.

- [TIMER DINGS]
- He didn't finish it!

All right. You think that's funny?

Wait till you try and run this.

MAYA: Okay, people, this is not a drill.

It's here... Thanksgiving.

Mummy will be here in a second.

[SIGHS]

Jimmy, what's wrong?
You've been down all day.

- Did the UPS guy call you "ma'am" again?
- If only.

Is this because you couldn't
finish the Godzilla Roll?

Shh! The kids don't know about that.

Didn't you just vacuum?

Oh! Kids. Is everyone ready?

Dylan, how's the
football watching going?

Couldn't do it. I watched two seconds.

Soccer sucks so hard that I read a book.

Dylan!

JJ, how's the British lingo?

"Blimey."

That doesn't make any sense.

Didn't you study at all?

"The tube."

[SIGHS] Ray, please tell me

you've been watching "Wavendon Manor."

Have I? The legal proceedings
the family's going through?

It's so dry!

Excellent.

Well, you're in charge

of getting these two twits up to speed.

Yes!

Looks like I call the sh*ts now.

Oh! Unhand your superior!

- [KNOCK ON DOOR]
- She's here. She's here!

It's just Billy!

Harsh! And on this holiest of days.

Where are Audrey and the kids?

They're not coming. They
got a nasty stomach bug.

I'll spare you the gory
details, but let's just say

they would not be
allowed in a hotel pool.

As per the sign.

Regarding active viruses.

- Yeah, I quite understand.
- Yeah.

Hey, Billy.

Oh, he's been upset all day.

- Hey. Hey.
- [GRUMBLES]

Billy's here. Talk to me, pal.

I-I...

I couldn't finish the
Godzilla Roll yesterday.

- Oh, no, no, no, no, no no.
- No-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no.

- Jimmy.
- [KNOCK ON DOOR]

[GASPS] She's here! Go on, get out! Get!

Mummy.

Oh. Hello, Taylor.

And you must be...

Hi, Mrs. DiMeo. This is my brother, Logan.

I know it's last-minute,

but would it be okay if he joined us?

Sure. It's fine.

JJ will be happy to see one
of his friends from camp.

[WESTERN SHOWDOWN MUSIC PLAYS]

RAY: "You."

Hello.

- [MUSIC INTENSIFIES]
- "Goodbye."

Nope. No time for this mysterious feud.

- [KNOCK ON DOOR]
- [GASPS] Mummy's here!

Go on. Off you go.

Go to your room. Go to your room.

Peace and calm.

I hate my dad!

That sounds terrible and
not at all my problem!

Oh, Lord!

I'm sweating straight through
my convincing knock-off Burberry.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

Ohh!

Where's Kenneth?!

He's in the kitchen, whoever you are!

I'm the Colonel! Lead me to him!

- KENNETH: He found me?!
- Follow me!

[m*llitary MARCH PLAYS]

How in the world did you find me?!

COLONEL: I got my ways!

Steady. Steady.

Oh! No!

Oh! [GASPS]

Stupid Taylor cord!!

[SIGHS]

All right. All right.

It's all right. She'll never know.

All right.

Hurry! She'll be here soon!

MAYA: I'll be right
there, Mummy! Hold on!

Oh, hello. Ohh.

Ah, so sorry.

Uh, how was your flight in? Was it good?

Well? Good? What?

I'm sorry. I'm just
very excited to see you.

Would you like a
delicious, fresh parfait?

That would be delightful.

I don't have one of those.

How's Ernst Bowman-Schrieber?

Ugh! Why did you...

I mean, more broadly,
how's your research?

I'm in the twilight of my career

after decades of frustrating lab trials.

No cure in sight,

but you can't say I didn't
k*ll a hell of a lot of rats.

Excellent.

KENNETH: Just take some
dry turkey and leave!

So sorry. Uh... is there
anything I can get you, really?

Anything at all?

Two yelling strangers would be nice.

Oh. Absolutely right. Sorry. I'm just...

Unacceptable.

I am listening to you...

Whatever this is,
take it somewhere else!

Look, I am not leaving here

until my son shows me some respect.

Well, I hope you like dry-ass turkey,

'cause we're gonna be here a while!

Sorry, Maya. Your sides are good.

Listen!

I understand that respect
is very important to you.

I, for one, appreciate your service.

My service? What's she mean?

She thinks you're in the Army, Colonel.

You never heard of a stage name before?

You do know The Beatles
aren't bugs, right?

[LAUGHS]

I hate him, but he got you.

I'm no soldier. I'm a singer.

We used to have an
act when he was young.

It was called "The
Colonel and Little Kenny."

- What?
- You know, weddings, hotel bars.

You ever been to the Holiday
Inn in Troy, New York?

- No.
- Well, neither has he!

Quit before the big gig.

I had to sing both sides of
"I Got You Babe" to myself.

Now, would you pay to see that?

Holiday Inn didn't.

Well, I'd had enough of you riding me.

"Kenneth, you're sharp.
Kenneth, you're pitchy.

Kenneth, slouch so I'm taller than you."

I'm taller than you, Dad! I just am!

Will you stop it?!

I will not have you ruin
my day or my turkey!

- Oh...
- Maybe you should...

I'm basting it!

So, you were unable to
eat a -pound sushi roll,

and that's bad?

It just means I'm not what I once was.

Was there ever a recognition
you got in your younger days?

Yes, that helps me to understand.

Yes, at ,

I was the youngest-ever
recipient of the Copley Award.

Okay. And you never won it again?

I won it five more times, but
I was never able to eat it.

You should have seen
this guy in his prime.

- Billy.
- So, once when we were kids,

I left him alone in my room.

Came back, all my
action figures... gone.

[LAUGHS] This guy was
pooping G.I. Joes for weeks!

No, no. Billy, stop!

So sorry, Mummy. He's a dentist.

He's used to telling stories
to people who can't get away.

He wants to drag me out to cheer me up.

I want to make sure you and your
mom have the best day possible.

- Me too. Take him.
- Yes! Come on, come on!

Be back in time for G.I. Joes!

- So sorry, Mummy.
- [KENNETH AND COLONEL ARGUING]

Mm. I... you...

I shan't be a second.

Just relax.

All right, JJ, how's your British lingo?

Do you know what a plonker is?

No! No cultivating this weird rivalry!

And, Dylan, time to study up on soccer.

I made you flash cards.

- [WINDOW CLOSES]
- You two should be ashamed.

The pilgrims came here to
get away from soccer.

Right. Well, for Grandma's sake,

let's be more British and less American.

Less American?

It's just for the day.

You don't turn off being American.

There ain't no switch on the
Statue of Liberty's torch!

"Yeah, you...

Brexit."

That's not how you use that word!

Mom? Mom, they aren't listening to me!

May I have spanking powers?

Oh, hello, Grandmother.

Hello, Raymond.

Nobody calls me that,
and I love it so much.

Oh. Let me introduce you to, uh...

[LAUGHING] Introduce?

It hasn't been that long.

Hello, Dylan. Mmm!

And JJ... lady-k*ller!

Pictures don't do you justice.

Nope. Nope. But... But that's him.

Uh... Don't forget,
JJ... you can't speak.

Excuse me, but I'd
like to go freshen up.

Bathroom's back and to the right.

I'll just be here with JJ and Dylan.

All right, I know it's
weird, but my job is

to get those two presentable,
and I can't do that.

Will you be JJ and Dylan?

Will JJ be upset?

- Probably.
- I'm in.

I don't like it, but
I'll do anything for you.

You need to work on your Dylan.

Where are Dylan and JJ?

Here.

The other two just weren't
gonna get there. I...

Grandma thought these two
were them, so I made a call.

Right. Go and tell the
other two they're out.

Okay, so, I talked to Mom.

You guys are no longer JJ and Dylan.

You guys will stay in here and...

"Away from Logan?

I'm in."

If I have to be British out there,

then here is where I'll stay.

["THE STAR-SPANGLED BANNER" PLAYS]

JIMMY: So, when did
you, uh, get this thing?

This is a trial-separation gift to myself.

Yeah, I lied.

Audrey left me. She
doesn't have the flu.

She might have the flu. I don't know.

But I'm fine.

There's this -year-old
hygienist in my office...

Complimented my socks on Monday,

so we can all see the
direction that's headed.

Yeah. You're down about
the Godzilla Roll thing?

Yeah, I get it... feel
like you're missing a step.

Well, I'm just the guy to pull you out.

♪

This...

calls for hair.

Ohhh!

You never walk out on a show!

Enough bickering!

What can I do to get you two to stop?

We wouldn't be bickering at all if he...

♪ Didn't go breaking my heart ♪

[SNAPPING FINGERS]

Pitchy.

Actually, that was beautiful.

Colonel, would you do my
kitchen the honor of a full song?

Oh, I never turn down a gig.

♪ Don't go breaking my heart ♪

I think the next line
calls for Little Kenny?

And I believe your green
beans need some salt,

but I mind my own damn business!

Ah, suit yourself.

♪ I couldn't if I tried ♪

♪ Oh, honey, if I get restless ♪

♪ Baby, you're not that kind ♪

♪ Do, do, do, do, do, do ♪

- Yeah!
- Oh, please!

Well, like you could do better?

[SCOFFS] With my eyes closed!

Wait a minute.

I have that song on my phone.

["DON'T GO BREAKING MY HEART" PLAYS]

♪ Don't go breaking my heart ♪

♪ You take the weight off of me ♪

♪ Oh, honey, when
you knock on my door ♪

♪ I gave you my key ♪

In your face, Maya.

♪ Ooh, ooh ♪

Well, thanks for taking me out.

Yeah. Best Thanksgiving ever.

[LAUGHS]

Whoa. This is so perfect.

You want to recapture your youth?

You can do it as my wingman.

She is so loving me!

Found wig, you've done it again.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Uh, my roommate and I

are graduate students
at the nearby university,

and, uh, we were wondering if you...

Please stop.

[CHUCKLES] What? Don't
sell past the sale, right?

I have a boyfriend.

And I got a math test...
Long as we're naming things

we're gonna be cheating on later.

I said, get out of my face!

JIMMY: Whoa!

Sorry. W-We...

Ohh! Aaaah!

Learn to spot an ally!

Okay. Well, my buddy and
I are gonna head back to...

the dorm.

Happy Thanksgiving.

[CHUCKLING] Sorry that got so weird!

No, that actually helped.

Maybe I have lost a step,

but this is what losing a step
and not accepting it looks like.

I got a family back home who loves me.

I should be there with them

instead of here, getting punched.

Then my little plan worked.

Wasn't your plan.

Maya, I'm not an expert
on Thanksgiving dinner,

but is there a dinner?

Oh! Yes, of course.

No, it should be dry by now.

Ready. Moist.

Ooh. Don't over-promise. Ready.

Kids, dinner!

Let's sit down, shall we?

Oh, Mummy, this is
Kenneth and his father.

Ah, yes. How nice to put a face

to the, "Die, you old fool! Die!"

- [LAUGHS]
- They're just leaving.

But the singing makes me hungry.

[CHUCKLING] Like everything else.

[LAUGHS] I love this guy now.

[CHAIRS SLIDE]

JJ, here.

Dylan, you sit here.

That's not JJ and Dylan.

Oh, isn't it?

I'll play along, but that's not hard.

- [GRUNTS]
- Jimmy isn't back yet,

so why don't we go around the table

and say what we're thankful for.

I'm thankful that Conte finally realizes

what he has in Batshuayi.

He's Chelsea's best striker.

Look at that! You are most
certainly my granddaughter.

Wow. I could listen to you
talk about football all night.

Sister!

I'm thankful my daddy and I are...

BOTH: ♪ Reunited ♪

♪ And it feels so good ♪

♪ Reunited ♪

♪ Where the hell's the food? ♪

Would you please?!

Ohh! Ohh!

Oh! Mummy! Oh, I'm so sorry!

I'm just a bit on edge. I just...

I-I know how you...
You like things just so.

So this is on me?!

I'm responsible for all this madness?

The singing, the shouting,

the quite obvious sexual chemistry

between your daughter and son?

You're playing footsie
with me, young man!

It's just so vulgar.

So... American!

Damn right it is, toots.

Who are you?

Just a red-blooded, chicken-fried,

supersize U.S. of A-merican.

You feel me, tea bag?

You're in America.

In America, we don't drink tea.

We drink soda.

[BOTTLE CAP FIZZES]

["THE STAR-SPANGLED BANNER" PLAYS]

Darling, no!

[MUSIC CONTINUES]

[GASPS]

Look what you made me do.

She finished it.

She has the gift.

Weren't you bald?

I don't know. Was I?

[SIGHS]

I raised you in a home.

This is a circus!

Enough!

Your daughter ties
herself into knots for you.

Jimmy, you don't have to.

No. I don't mind. She can't hurt me.

You couldn't eat the Godzilla Roll.

Ohh! Yes, she can. [GROANS]

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone.

It's okay, Dad. We still believe in you.

[SIGHS] I'm sorry. That did not help.

But someone had to stand up to her.

Yeah, I think that somebody's me.

I'm tired of trying
to be someone I'm not.

And asking you to be someone you're not

And... having some of you
played by other people.

Then go say it. Be true to who you are.

Did you lie about the Godzilla Roll?

Be true if it feels right.

It's not, like a, you
know, law or anything.

Kenneth overcooked the turkey.

[DOOR OPENS]

So, you lied?

Hey, your dad took a punch protecting me

from a horny co-ed today, so...

Yeah, I lied.

[SIGHS] I can't do it anymore.

And you know what? I
have made peace with that.

I don't have to prove
anything to myself.

"Don't say you can't do it."

You can do anything.

Gross.

Jimmy, as someone

who's had the admiration
of his child and lost it,

I'll tell you...

Hold on to it for as long as you can.

Eat that Godzilla Roll.

For them.

Who are you?

So, can we go to sushi now or what?

Yeah, we're going to sushi.

U.S.A.!

ALL: U.S.A.!

Well, I guess I better be on my way.

I got a gig at a card club in Gardena.

- On Thanksgiving Day?
- Oh, yeah.

I turn "Ooh Baby Baby" into...

"Ooh Gravy Gravy."

I've been doing "Ooh Turkey Turkey,"

but that's a whole lot better.

- It's better, right?
- Yeah, man!

[BOTH LAUGH]

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

Maya...

- I'm coming in! Move.
- I...

Sit down.

Oh, my God. It worked.

Quit while I'm ahead?

No. It's time to be honest.

Mummy, on the rare occasions
that you come to visit,

I always try to be the
daughter that you want...

The fawning, the Burberry.

Are we being entirely honest now?

It's pretty bloody close!

Look.

My family isn't proper.

We're loud and messy.

What you saw today
there, that's who we are.

I like us.

And I think if you
knew us, you would, too.

[SIGHS]

Maya, I've never been very good at this.

Work always came first.

Family, feelings...

I'm sorry.

I'm not who you need me to be.

Well, we could work on this.
We could make this better.

We could.

Okay.

I don't understand.

Why did you want to come?

I wanted to try.

It's all I know.

An experiment fails,
you get up the next day,

you k*ll more rats.

Also, your husband was
rather insistent that I come.

["MY GIRL" PLAYS]

Happy Thanksgiving, Mummy.

♪

♪ I got sunshine ♪

- ♪ On a cloudy day ♪
- Whoa.

It's impossible.

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ When it's cold outside ♪

- [TICKING]
- ♪ I've got Thanksgiving Day ♪

You've got this! Just one more!

- One more! One more!
- Yeah!

♪ I guess you'd say ♪

- ♪ What can make me ♪
- "You're my hero."

♪ Feel this way ♪

♪ My dad ♪

♪ His dad, his dad ♪

- ♪ Talkin' 'bout my dad ♪
- Eat it! Eat it! Eat it! Eat it!

♪ My dad ♪

Yes! Come on, Dad! You're doing it!

Wow. I hate sushi. I'm
just realizing that.

This is my dad!

May I join you?

You made it.

Aw, it's the least I could do.

Oh, I'd like to propose
a Thanksgiving toast...

To family.

The ones we're born with...

the ones we get to choose...

the good ones who step up day after day,

no matter what is asked of them.

This is what love looks like, people!

This is what a father
does for his children.

[CLINK]

You know what?

It doesn't matter that
I can't finish this.

What matters is that I tried.

Shall we?

What?

We can't pay for that. Finish it.

[INDISTINCT SHOUTING]

Come on! Make some room in there!

Oh, no. Dad?

Oh, this can't be happening again.

- I can't breathe.
- No, no! There's one little piece left.

Come on, Jimmy. One little piece.

- Come on, come on, come on.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa! Is that shrimp?

[GASPS] It is.

They changed the recipe!

That's why you can't do
it... You're allergic!

Well, uh, Logan has an allergy pen.

Here.

What if I need it later?

"Then you'll die."

[WESTERN SHOWDOWN MUSIC PLAYS]

Owww!

♪

- Okay, feed me.
- Excellent.

[TIMER DINGS]

[CHEERING]

TOGETHER: [CHANTING]
U.S.A.! U.S.A.! U.S.A.!