02x14 - E-I- EIGHTEEN

[bunniefuu]

Coming up on midnight,
JJ. , here we come.

How can we be celebrating this?

It's not a birthday. It's a kidnapping.

This baby has vanished,

and he's been replaced by some...

- strange man.
- seconds, JJ.

If you want to k*ll someone
and not be tried as an adult,

now's your chance.

Huh.

seconds.

All right, kids. We
all know why we're here.

Three... two...

ALL: You look way too
young to have an adult son.

Oh, I quite like that.

Okay, JJ, so, about your party...

We've got you the same cake every year.

Do you still want Fudgie the Whale,

or do you want something
a bit more grown up?

"Dylan wants Fudgie."

What? No, I never said that.

"Dylan. Wants. Fudgie!"

Fine. I'll be your fall
guy, but watch the tone.

I've got five years to k*ll
you with no consequences.

I-I wanna be clear...
That's... that's not the case.

So, I understand you're
going to do something special

with Kenneth to celebrate .

You have my permission.

- "Don't need it."
- Yeah, well, it's there.

- "Don't want it."
- Just take it!

But do remember the
only acceptable tattoo

is a heart with the word
"Mum" written inside it,

and only then if you're in a coma

and you have no other
way of telling people

how much you love your mother.

- No tattoos.
- Thank you.

That's the one thing you can't do.

Got it.

And here's a list of the
other things you can't do.

RAY: Hey, guys.

Taylor is on her way over

with her new foreign-exchange student.

"Ooh, JJ like-y."

Eww. Make him read the weird stuff.

As it happens, Lars is a guy.

Um, Taylor's got a guy staying with her?

Yes. And I'm beyond okay with it.

It's modern times, and
there's nothing more masculine

than trusting a woman.

"Doing some American guy's girlfriend

is more masculine."

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Hi, Ray. This is Lars.

Hi, Lars. It's so nice to meet you.

This is boy who give me jacket?

I'm the boy who's gonna
lend you a jacket.

But I'm so much more than that.

Taylor and I are, uh...

This is like baby jacket.

[CHUCKLES AWKWARDLY]

Well, gotta go. Lars
is taking me to school.

He drives, which is awesome.

Why don't I just come with you?

But you go to a different school.

Yeah, I'll just take
a ride to your school

and then hitch a ride to
mine, save us all some time.

Easy peasy.

Okay.

♪

Hey, maybe Taylor's not
into the obscenely beautiful.

Exactly.

Well, the cuckold's horns
aren't gonna wear themselves.

[DOOR CLOSES]

[SCHOOL BELL RINGS]

♪

[CHUCKLES]

That spitball you were sh**ting...

Really funny, by the way, big fan...

Except yours hit me.

What are you gonna do about it?

I don't know. Any suggestions?

Hey! Come with me.

[SIGHS] Detention?

Today doesn't really work for me.

Let's make plans for another time.

I don't want to give you detention.

I want you to join my wrestling team.

You took down that bigger kid.
I think you got what it takes.

Now that I got a stepdaughter,

I think girls should be
allowed to do stuff like this.

Huh. Thanks for the context?

But I am not a wrestler.

I'm a runner. I'm fast, too.

Hey, what's that over there?

Me making the perfect getaway.

[GRUNTS]

I'm so sorry. I am insanely fast, so...

that must have hurt.

No, I-I-I'm sorry.

My body is like rock hard,
so that... that had to hurt.

I guess we're both perfect specimens.

Nice to meet you. Dylan.

I'm Rev.

COACH: Revere! You're
late. Get over here.

Your weird boy sport...
Maybe I'll check it out.

JJ, my of-age friend,

this is the place
to get this party started.

Somewhere a man can be a man.

[TODD RUNDGREN'S "BANG
THE DRUM ALL DAY" PLAYS]

♪ I don't want to work ♪

♪ I want to bang on the drum all day ♪

We would like some lottery tickets,

some butane, and your cheapest cigar.

You just turn ?

Let's do this.

- ♪ Ever since I was a tiny boy ♪
- Nice.

- ♪ I don't want no candy, I don't need toy ♪
- Drowsy or non-drowsy?

- ♪ I took a stick and an old coffee can ♪
- Non-drowsy.

I think you'll be very happy with that.

♪ I got blisters on my hand because ♪

♪ I don't want to work ♪

I rented a documentary
I thought was p*rn.

It really changed my take.

♪ I don't want to work ♪

Let me ask you this.

Are you one of those
normal just-turned- kids,

or do you wanna get weird?

♪ I don't want to play ♪

Normal.

Oh, yeah, I was gonna
offer you some dry ice.

Oh, weird then.

Dad, I need your help.

I think this Lars guy might be a thr*at.

"Might be"?

Ray, I'm thinking of
leaving your mother for Lars.

I have a bag packed.

Dad, I'm serious.

What should I do?

Be yourself. That's who she
fell for in the first place.

- Is that what you'd do?
- Of course not.

- That's for suckers.
- So, tell me what you'd do.

This conversation is over.

What? Why?

Because you have no game?

Because I have too much game.

You think your mother's the first girl
I've gotten who was out of my league?

So, teach me. Give me
some helpful tidbits.

You can't handle my
tidbits. Let it go, Ray.

Hey, Mom, did Dad have any tricks

to keep you interested
when you were dating?

Ooh, did he ever.

Oh. Do you wanna know what they were?

Think I can handle them?

Why not? I mean, your dad used them.

He's not Gandalf the Grey.

Okay.

Well... no luck on the scratchers.

But this dry ice is cool.

Why can't they sell it to kids, though?

It's just ice.

Ow!

Where'd my fingerprints go?

Hey, JJ. What's going on?

"Hi, Troy.

Just E-N... enjoying some A...
Adult stuff because I can."

[CHUCKLES]

Your stuff looks cooler than mine.

I-I'm just getting some oil for my car.

I'm driving up north this weekend.

"Your stuff sounds pretty cool."

Not really. I'm gonna
spend a couple days

with my girlfriend in San Francisco,

but then I got to look
for a job and an apartment.

You know, get ready for
Stanford in the fall.

"Wow. You've got a lot going on."

♪

Hey, uh, I heard they
only have one oil left.

You... You best get going.

Right. I-I'll be out quick,
but, JJ, you'll still be here?

"I'm not going... anywhere."

Great.

Have fun in college, Troy!

Hope you learn to shut up!

Hey, Dylan.

Nice job for a first practice.

You're a really good wrestler.

Thanks. I'm new to this,
and I really like to win.

Oh, yeah? I really hate to lose.

I guess opposites attract.

Oh.

Can I carry your bag?

Sure.

Can I carry yours?

DiMeo, Revere, you're
in the same weight class.

We only wrestle one at that weight.

You two will have to have
a wrestle-off tomorrow.

BOTH: But what's gonna
happen when I b*at you?

JJ, there you are. It's party time!

"Do it and die."

I need to take my fun where I find it!

He's here!

[CHEERING]

Happy birthday, JJ.
Thanks for having us, man.

Fun party.

"It is, huh?

What did you do for
your E-I... eighteenth?"

Oh, it was awesome.

Me and my cousin went
to this Indian casino.

We partied like crazy,
and I won like bucks.

"Right. And was your mom there?"

No, but his was.

[LAUGHTER]

Wait, mine?

Solid smack. Are you nuts?

Hey, Mom.

Oh, darling, what's wrong?

Did you ever have to
wrestle someone you loved

because they weighed
the same amount as you?

[CHUCKLES] I like your problems, Dylan.

RAY: I like a little
jalapeño kick in mine.

It helps join all the flavors.

Ray, come here.

That's a nice jacket.

It looks a lot like
one I keep in my closet.

- Huh.
- Heard you mention jalapeño.

You wouldn't be talking
about guacamole, would you?

No. Why?

Talking about guacamole has a powerful,

subconscious effect on women.

Why? Not sure.

It's a social food. Everybody likes it.

It's exotic, but not intimidating.

It just works, which is why I
put it in my secret playbook...

The one I told you you're not ready for.

I wasn't talking about guacamole.

Don't worry about it, Chief.

Oh, you're being so weird.

Well, I'm glad you met a nice boy.

And now I'm gonna lose him.

Ugh. I-I-I just wish there was a way

you could change how much you weigh.

- Hold on.
- No.

You're not losing weight for a boy.

Lose?

No, I don't lose at anything.
I'm gonna win weight.

You gave Ray my secrets?

Well, yeah. No, he
was worried about Lars,

so I told him a few of your silly moves

- from back in the day.
- "Silly"?

Those "silly" moves
landed me the hottest girl

in the East Village when
I was broke and unemployed.

You thought I was the hottest
girl in the East Village?

Yes.

Ah. He's got his hand on him?

It is way too early for that.

That's phase two!

Now, what is that move?

It's a sophisticated dominance technique

based on canine mating dynamics.

I fell for dog moves?

It's all too soon.

He's going through
the moves too quickly.

Again with the guacamole.

Guacamole? Where?

Oh, now he's giving a girl
directions to the party,

and it's making Taylor jealous.

You taught him "Kimberly's Lost"?!

[LAUGHS]

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

Whoo!

Did you make a wish, buddy?

"For this party to be over."

I-I think JJ's been feeling
like for other people

is different from for him.

Kenneth, JJ hates it when
other people speak for him.

Like I just did.

Here, darling. Come on.
Have the first piece.

JJ's not really feeling
the party right now.

Oh. I wasn't really feeling
the party years ago.

Still pushed.

"I'm leaving."

W-What? No.

Your mom went to a lot of
trouble to give you this party.

"Sorry. I F-O... forgot
it's all about Mom."

Hey, that's not fair. Apologize.

KENNETH: "You can't make me.

I'm an adult, right?"

Yes, but as long as you
are living under our roof...

"When will I not live under your roof?"

♪

[GASPS]

JJ!

[BARKING]

No, no, no, no, no!
Find your own calories!

Get! Get!

All right, everyone, moment's over.

Let's get back to the
party. Everyone dance.

There's no music.

That's strike number two,

Mr. My Mom was at your Birthday Party.

Dance!

♪

GIRL: Oh, Ray. [GIGGLES]

RAY: And she's been giving me pointers

since eighth-grade algebra.

JIMMY: Ray, we need to talk.

What are you doing?
Who's that other girl?

Oh, that's Kimberly.
She found the party.

There's not supposed
to be a real Kimberly.

Maybe in your day. Ya
boy is changing the game.

No. You need to crawl
before you can walk.

I am putting my foot down.
No more games of seduction.

I'm better at this than you
ever were, and it's k*lling you.

That's what this is all about.

That's such a strange
read of the situation.

Wish me luck.

Where you going?

I gained three pounds.

I'm off to wrestling practice
to not humiliate the boy I like.

They have wrestling
practice on a Saturday?

That's what I'm focused on? [LIPS POP]

JJ, enough already.
Come out this instant.

Oh.

I was all ready to bark
at him, but you'll do.

What shall it be about?

- I take requests.
- JJ's gone.

What? How?

That accessible-ride service.

He set up a pickup, they came.

That fast? What an amazing resource.

Maya. What are you doing?

I'm doing the hard thing.

He's an adult. He deserves this.

I'm not following him.

Then why are you getting your things?

Well, I don't believe I am. Oh.

Okay, clearly my brain
knows what I should do,

but my body is taking
a minute to catch up.

Now, block my path and brace
yourself. I'm very scrappy.

What? Maya, stop!

JJ, I'm coming over him!

Oh! No biting, lady.

[GRUNTS]

[SIGHS]

Let him do his thing.

But you're good to that kid.

You deserve better.

I just hope he doesn't
do something stupid.

- [TATTOO NEEDLE BUZZING]
- And last thing... your age.

♪

Yep, you're .

[SCALE BEEPS]

You're up three pounds, Rev.

What? You gained weight?

I gained weight so I
wouldn't have to wrestle you.

But that's what I did.

Well, you're both in the same new class.

You're gonna have to wrestle-off
to see who wins that spot.

No. W-W-What do we do?

There's clearly a spark between you two.

But, Dylan, if you b*at Rev
in front of the whole team,

he'll be too humiliated to date you.

But would you throw the
match for a chance at love?

Wow. That's exactly what's going on.

I love all wrestling... whether
it's with a person or a dilemma.

Isn't Kimberly awesome, Taylor?

Mm. She is.

I'm surprised you've
never mentioned her before.

Oh, Ray, you got a little
something in your hair.

I pick the leaves out of Ray's hair.

Could you please put it back?

Ladies, please.

There's plenty of stuff
to pick out of my hair.

I'm gonna go get a drink.

I am also to get drink.

Would you also to get me one?

Thank you so much for
coming on such short notice.

I'll do your homework for a month.

I'd be having fun even
if you didn't offer that.

Do you really think I'm awesome?

Well, obviously it's all part
of the act, but you seem nice.

[DOOR CLOSES, BELL JINGLES]

JJ!

"How did you find me?"

You just had to go to the one
place your mom told you not to.

Look, I don't pretend to
know what it is to be you,

but you didn't have to
treat your mom like that.

Maybe you didn't realize
how harsh you came across.

"No, I did."

"My friend here likes to talk.

You should start on my P-A... panther."

Hold up.

You know, just because
you use a wheelchair

doesn't mean you can't still be a jerk.

You want to stop feeling like a child?

Stop acting like one.

So... you gonna do this?

I could do a panther
that says "I'm sorry."

Guys, I need help with Taylor.

[LAUGHS] No more moves.

Taylor went home. Just call it a night.

But playing it cool actually is a move.

I liked it when you played that one.

No, forget moves.

The others worked too well.

My Kimberly kissed me.

- No!
- What?

I didn't kiss her
back, but what do I do?

- Do I tell Taylor?
- No!

You shouldn't even have told us.

I disagree. He didn't
mean for it to happen.

This is why I didn't
want you playing games,

because you have to
get your hands dirty,

and you're way too good
of a person to do that.

Now you need to stay the
course. Don't tell her.

He is a good person,
so he'll tell the truth,

and Taylor will understand.

You're right. There's
no downside to the truth.

- Yeah.
- No downside. Huh.

Uh, the things I do for you, Ray.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Do you remember when
we first started dating

and you were over at my apartment

and I took a call from
a girl named "Ruby"?

- Oh, yeah, your cousin.
- I don't have a cousin Ruby.

That was a girl I was dating
before you and I were exclusive.

What?

You...

Bedroom, now.

I'm confused. Is this good or bad?

- Bad!
- Bad.

Lesson learned.

You're a good father.

Earn this.

I can see you're conflicted,
but don't be, okay?

I'm really good. First,
I'll just take you down.

Right. Like that.

[SIGHS]

If I were to let you win,

where would you take
me on our first date?

Pizza?

Uh, s-steak! Steak!

Somewhere really fancy
with lots of forks.

- Too many... like five.
- Okay.

I wouldn't do this for just
anyone, so... treat me right.

Make it worth it.

Deal.

[SIGHS]

♪

Yeah, I'm sorry. I'm not feeling this.

[BOTH GRUNTING]

Winner... DiMeo!

[BOTH BREATHING HEAVILY]

I'm sorry.

I couldn't do it.

I guess this is goodbye.

♪

That was my first kiss.

That was my first loss.

I didn't mind it.

Yeah. Me, neither.

Compromise and say burgers?

- Yeah.
- Get off the mat!

MAN: while the male gorilla

emerges from the brush
searching for food...

Ray, can I be honest
with you about something?

When you were talking with
that girl earlier today,

it made me kind of jealous.

Taylor, you've got nothing
to be jealous about...

Believe me.

And you being honest with me

makes me want to be honest with you.

So...

I will, if it ever comes up.

Okay, there is something
I need to tell you about.

I got freaked out by Lars,
so I invited Kimberly.

I wanted you to be jealous.

Ray!

Not cool.

But kind of flattering.

And I appreciate the honesty.

See, I knew you'd understand.

And no more games.

She got the wrong
idea and she kissed me.

What?

No, I didn't kiss her back.

See, this is honesty. It's good.

Hit me cutely again.

You let her kiss you?

I didn't let her. She just did it.

There's nothing you can do
when someone just kisses you.

Okay, see, next time I'll do that.

You kissed someone else?

You need to go.

And come back in a
couple of minutes or...

Or never.

♪

God, that works so well.

MAN: Now, let's get you over
to Lori for the traffic.

How's it looking out
there on the freeways?

[TV TURNS OFF, DOOR CLOSES]

Your adult son has a statement
he's asked me to read.

"I want to apologize for
leaving and for all I said.

It was rude, ungrateful, and childish.

I'm sorry.

Thanks for all you did today

and all you've done my first years."

Is that a bloody tattoo?

"Yes, Mom, it is a bloody tattoo."

Good guess on the timing.

"At first I wanted to get
one to lash out at you.

That's dumb.

But I did want to
mark my th birthday."

JIMMY: Fudgie the Whale.

I don't hate it.

But before I turn on it,

do you want us to show you your present?

Ta-da!

"I know we have a G-A... garage."

We had a garage.

You are a man. This is your cave.

JIMMY: You deserve a space.

This is a nearby, but different, roof.

We still have to clean
it out, but we will.

And we brought in some
of your grown-up things.

So you can kick back
with your Kn*fe and,

for some reason, cold medicine.

So, what do you think?

♪

"I just have one Q-U... question."

Anything, darling.

"What are you still
doing in my C-A... cave?"

He loves it.

Happy birthday, buddy.

[DOOR CLOSES]

How will we know when
we're meant to come back?

[SIGHS]

Well, it turns out, Ruby,
that while we were going out,

I was actually in an exclusive
relationship with my girlfriend,

and that girlfriend is now my wife,

and she would like you to know
that I am off the market...

- [QUIETLY] years.
- And have been for years.

My marriage is going great.

Thank you. Classic Ruby.

I still don't get how you didn't
realize that we were exclusive.

I mean, it makes a person wonder
what else needs to be named.

Okay. We are not in an open marriage.

No flirting.

Except to get out of tickets.

No friending high-school
exes on social media.

Yeah.

Yeah, yep, yep, yep.

I just... I have to check my computer

for something unrelated.

Are you kidding me?!

I make awesome guacamole.

It just works. I don't... It's...