03x11 - H-- HEY, YOU

[bunniefuu]

Good session, JJ. Sorry
I kept spilling on you,

but I am worthless before my soup.

Hi, DiMeos.

Hey, you.

See you all next week.

Kenneth.

We all had a family meeting
with our eyes a second ago,

and we're all in
agreement that has to stop.

- What does?
- Saying "hey, you" like that

to anyone you've briefly dated.

As a rule, we'd like to keep

the hyper-sexualized
greetings to a minimum.

If I have to follow the
rule, you should, too.

Okay. I said it one time.

Hey, you.

Hey, you.

Hey, you.

I have a life.

I have needs. Call me romantic.

- Nobody's calling you romantic.
- No one's calling you romantic.

But when I've been with someone,

it means something to me.

"Hey, you"...

...is my tip of the cap

to a beautiful experience.

Hey, you.

What? You're the only
one with a history?

Romance!

Your next film is going to be a romance

from the 12th century tale
of "Tristan and Isol..."

Forget it.

I got dumped, and I
need to feel good again.

Sue me. What?

"How strictly are you defining romance?"

You may not make a
movie about the romance

between a k*ller and their w*apon.

Your film must make me
believe in love again.

Anything less will get an "F."

You have one hour.

Listen to me, I sound just like Jamie.

Take your time.

Take your time.

Hello, prospective investors.

We are two mums of
kids with disabilities,

and we are starting a
business for people like us.

Here's a fascinating statistic

about the adaptive-clothing industry.

Blah, blah, blah.

Shocking, right?

I had no idea.

But what I do know is,

insert completely improvised
yet heartfelt anecdote

about parenting.

But why tell you about
our amazing products

when we can just show you?

Whoa! I did not see that coming.

And I loved it!

It worked. It worked. Amazing, right?

And I remembered to wear
clothes underneath this time.

Okay, let's talk about market
strategies, competition analysis,

and a design and development plan.

- Oh, Melanie, you are a godsend.
- No, you're the godsend.

I mean, when John left, I
thought my life was over.

And now I have a friend, a dream,

and no fewer than six
tear-away business suits.

- Not a great use of our capital.
- Hmm.

Oh, sh**t. I got to go
get Logan from school.

Kenneth can go and get him.

Can he?

I-Is Kenneth something

you can lend your friends

like a "Mad Men" DVD set?

Did you specifically
use that as an example

because you've borrowed
our "Mad Men" DVD set

and have as yet to give it back?

I'll go get Logan.

A romance?

Where do we even start?

"We could draw on our
own romantic pasts."

Yeah.

You know, if you're looking for romance,

you should've seen me in
the planetarium earlier.

This girl, Izzy, came in,

and we had insane chemistry.

And how does this
help us with our movie?

You need to cast Izzy
and me as the leads.

We'll fall in love,

and you'll get the best on-screen romance

since a certain Harry
met the Hendersons.

Sound like a plan?

Sure.

I'm excited, too, guys.

Whoa!

All those years,

- we have not lost the sound.
- Or the look.

Wore these in '92.

I had them altered.

Yeah.

Hey. We got the sound and the look.

I think we should gig.

Come on. We're grown-ups now.

It'd be pathetic. This...
This is just for us.

Yeah, you're right.

That was a cheap escape

we needed when we were young

because we had nothing else.

We were broke, lived in crappy houses.

We hated our jobs.

Yeah, remember those days?

- Anyhoo, "Satisfaction."
- Yes.

♪ I can't get no ♪

♪ Satisfaction ♪

♪ 'Cause I try ♪

♪ And I try ♪

♪ And I try ♪

- ♪ And I try ♪
- Whoa.

You guys are amazing.

Really?

Yeah, I guess we kind of are.

Don't. Jimmy doesn't need adoration.

No, no, no, no, no. Let her finish.

What was that song?

Uh, it's called "Satisfaction."

And you wrote it?

Yes. Yes, I did.

Jimmy, come on.

- We wrote it.
- We wrote it.

You want this one? Yeah.

Oh. You must be Izzy.

You're game to be in the movie?

Actually, I have no interest
in leaving my comfort zone,

and I would not like to be in the movie.

That was acting.

Hey, now!

Oh, is that Penn and Teller over there?

'Cause it looks like we're
about to make some magic.

Oh, yeah, and, uh,
one of us doesn't talk.

Can I, uh, talk to you
over here for a sec?

Don't you ever one-up me again,

especially in front of Izzy.

Sorry?

No, I-I'm sorry.

Same team.

Thank you so much for
casting me and Izzy.

Yeah.

Shall we begin?

Yes. Uh...

"Izzy, you obviously know Ray."

Who's Ray?

I'm Ray.

From the planetarium?

You accidentally sat on my lap.

It was charming and hilarious.

Oh, that was a boy?

Your scream sounds like a girl's.

Play your cards right, you'll
hear that girlish scream again.

Why would I want that?

Hmm, this is so us.

Hey.

Well, there you are!

And there you are!

- Did you send in the contracts?
- No.

- What about the projections?
- Whoopsie.

Melanie, what's wrong?

Where's the focus and drive...

...that's gonna make me a thousand-aire?

- Ah, hi, Maya.
- Oh, hi.

Hey, you.

Would you excuse me?

Joyce, now Melanie.

Am I the only woman who
has entered this house

that you haven't defiled?

Jealousy is not a good color on you.

Ew, ew, ew, ew, ew!

You'll ruin her.

Or she gets better.
That Statue of Liberty?

No-good drunk when I found
her. That's a true story.

Relax, Maya.

You're so worried about
your little business.

I can promise you nothing's
going to get in the way.

Listen, I got to pick up Taylor.

Ooh. Mango juice?

So thirsty.

Mm.

Mm-hmm. Mm.

Mmm.

What a bizarre
manifestation of sexuality.

All right. Let's see your chemistry.

This is the scene where
you two fall in love.

He's talking about the
characters, of course.

Aaron, do you know how that sounded?

"This was a mistake.

Action."

The only trophy that matters to me

is the magazine writer
standing in front of me.

Kiss me.

I really don't want to.

Uh, the line's, uh,
"What took you so long?"

Yeah, but the book I read
said I can't act something

that doesn't feel true.

"Was that book 'How to Get Fired'?"

Okay, uh... We have options.

Let's find a version of Ray
that you have chemistry with.

Makeover montage!

Is that a version?

'Cause I don't like it.

You guys, I can't get
your song out of my head.

That's nice to hear.

If you like that, maybe you'd like

one of our original songs...

Anotherone of our original songs.

Shall we play our protest song, boys?

"Draft Dodger"!

1, 2, 3, 4!

♪ Uncle Sam ♪

♪ Don't ship me off to fight in ♪

And here we would name some countries

where there might be a w*r going on,

But really, it was an era
of unprecedented peace...

Stop, stop. That song makes
me want to become emancipated.

But "Satisfaction's" a winner.

You guys should do shows.

All right.

"Satisfaction." Here we go.

I am the world's first trillionaire.

But as my butler said...

No.

It's like the Sarge said.

Who cares if you're the
world's best sn*per if...

It's like the Wolfman said...

Who cares if you're the
best vampire in the world

if you don't have love?

Kiss me.

Cut. "Sorry. What is the problem?"

I think the problem's the script.

He says, "Great feedback.

Come over for a re-write tonight.

Can't wait."

Okay. I've got a lot
of stuff to go over.

Let's get down to business.

- Music to my ears.
- I've run the numbers.

Kenneth has over 600 Facebook friends.

550 of those are women.

Now, okay, see, here's
where it gets interesting.

Of the 14 Tiffanys,

6 of them work at the same Dry Bar,

4 of them have real '80s hair.

Could we just get down to work?

- It's just...
- Yeah.

- Hey, you.
- You...

Big business meeting, huh?

Uh, what time do you
figure you'll break?

Probably around dinner.

See, it was just that, um,

I had a little picnic plan brewing.

- Aww.
- You know what?

Just take the rest of the day off.

- You seem a bit distracted.
- You don't mind?

- Go on. Yeah, have fun.
- Thank you, partner.

Okay.

Maya, thanks for being cool.

- Are we good?
- You know what? It's fine.

I mean, her ex has
the kids this weekend,

so we'll just work then.

Ooh, about that.

I was cooking up a surprise getaway.

- Well, I support that.
- Yeah?

Yeah. Just don't take Melanie.

I'm sorry. You can't.

I can't?

You said this wasn't
gonna get in the way,

and it is in the way.

You cannot have her.

Oh, well, we will just see about that.

- Yeah, we will.
- Okay, then.

I guess I'll just borrow
a picnic basket and go.

Get out!

Are you sure we're
allowed to practice here?

The janitors owed me a favor.

Following up on that later.

A band with such a fresh, new sound

deserves a respectable practice space.

Look, Dylan.

The truth is...

Oh, no.

Where did all these kids come from?

Dylan, seriously, we're grown men.

We're not playing for a bunch of...

I was so sure I wasn't going to do it.

That rocked!

We're gonna do another one
now called "Draft Dodger"...

Screw it! This one's
called "Born to Run."

1, 2, 3, 4!

"Layla."

"Baba O'Riley."

We call this one "Side
Two of Abbey Road."

Thank you so much.

We're gonna take a short
break. We'll be right back.

Oh, Daddy, you're here. Dylan's dad?

This is my dad, Todd.

He's a record company executive.

I told him that he should sign you.

Their songs are, like, instant classics.

How does that first one go?

Um...

I-I can't get no...

satisfaction.

I can't get no satisfaction, so forth.

And they're great performers, too.

Uh, do that dance you
do during the song.

Something like that.

What do you think, Dad?

I think they're fantastic.

And if I hadn't just
signed a similar act,

we'd be begging to work with you.

T-Thank you. That is
really very generous.

Uh, before I go,

uh, I was wondering if any of
you want to play a song I wrote

called "Smells Like Teen Spirit."

- Sure.
- Check out what Daddy wrote, Addie.

Izzy's parking.

Let's fix this movie.

Come on, man.

Just write a script that
makes me look awesome

and makes her fall in love with me.

You can do it. You're a creative genius.

- Hello.
- Izzy!

All right. Time to salvage
this terrible script.

How lucky you found a
women in business conference

- this weekend.
- I know. What are the chances?

I should tell you that, at times,

- it will feel like a dog show.
- Hmm.

It's too bad.

Kenneth was disappointed when
I told him I was leaving town.

Oh, he knows our business comes first.

And you know, regarding Kenneth,

there are a few things
that you should know.

He...

Is right here.

Hey, you.

It feels like we're playing Wembley!

Soak it up, guys, because tonight,

for these kids, we are the
greatest band in the world.

I want to sing one.

I'm tired of backing you guys up.

- But you can't sing.
- And you can't play guitar,

but it doesn't stop you.

Easy, guys. Let's... Let's just play.

This is all so small-minded.

I'm out of here. Come on, babe.

Who is she?!

Forget it. Uh, "Free Fallin'."

Ah, let's do something fresher.

- "Wonderwall."
- Uh, new guy,

that's not really our sound.

Well, "Free Fallin'"
isn't your sound either.

You stole it from John Mellencamp.

No, no, don't look that up.
No, put your phones away.

It's Tom Petty.

Also, yeah, dude, it's Tom Petty.

You're a music exec?

JJ, we are banging our heads
against a wall here, man.

Izzy, you hungry?

What do you say to some
of my famous braciole?

- No.
- I love our banter.

JJ, you should use this in the script.

"I'm going to get some fresh air.

You enjoy."

I'm too tired to stand.

"Wow, sounds tough."

Right. That was terrible. Um...

I shouldn't talk at all.

Oh, God, I made it worse.

Uh, "Come on. I have an idea."

Okay.

"Maybe a car hits
her, and he saves her."

No. Why is this so hard?

You seem to understand human
behavior in your other movies.

"You saw my movies?"

Yeah.

They're great.

"I'm suddenly very open to your input."

Well, I don't know what to do.

I'm no good at connecting with people.

I once had a lizard I got close to.

"Was he a football star or a w*r hero?"

No.

Oh, you're being charming.

Write him like that.

He should be real, not perfect,

someone who has a hard time
putting themselves out there

but does it anyway.

And he doesn't have to
save her life, you know.

In these movies, it's
more about, like, a touch,

and they feel a connection.

You write scary well.

Pretend like you're scared.

How sweet.

Did you guys plan this?

Uh, pretty much.

Such a fun surprise.

Ooh, let me go freshen up.

How dare you come here
and ruin our weekend.

You only brought her
here to ruin my weekend.

You just don't want me to be happy.

This is about our business,

and it cannot survive
with you interfering.

- She's gonna have to choose.
- Yeah.

Yeah, either a lifetime
of ripping off pants

or your dumb adaptive-clothing line.

Oh, you had to Tiffany
yourself up, didn't you?

Melanie, we need to talk,

all of us.

Are you two breaking up with me?

- Don't be ridiculous.
- Oh, absolutely not.

But we do need you to
break up with one of us.

- Yeah.
- Wait, what?

Melanie, we both care about you so much,

but sharing you just isn't working out.

So we need you to pick one of us.

- Me.
- Oh, please.

Let the woman whose life was in
shambles before she met me think.

Wow. Look, I'm just
getting to know both of you.

And now you want me to
pick one or the other?

I'm sorry. I choose neither.

No, see, no, you have to choose one.

Sweetheart,

I know you're mad. It's just...

Life's hard, and it felt
good to get some glory,

just for one brief moment.

I'm sorry. Can you forgive me?

Do you have anything
to say for yourself?

Well, I think what happened is,

you thought we wrote "Satisfaction,"

so I lied and said I did.

And that felt great.

And then a bunch of your friends

thought we wrote "Satisfaction."

Then we got caught,

and then I bought chocolate milk,

and now we're here, yeah.

So no takeaway?

Not really, no.

No, I think I'm just an idiot.

Well, I guess you could say
that we lived dangerously,

we paid the price,

and we... we survived to tell the tale.

And that is what rock
'n' roll is all about.

Now, see, that feels like a takeaway.

I learned nothing, and
I would do it again.

In fact, do you have any
friends who weren't here tonight

but also don't know a lot about music?

- The track team?
- The track team.

Right in front of me all this time.

Come on.

Why can't you be more like her?

And she chose neither of us. It's over.

You didn't even fight for her?

As the lead in a romantic comedy,

I know you cannot take no for an answer.

"Actually, Izzy pointed out that trope

has a really toxic message."

"Don't take no for an answer."

I like it.

Yeah. Impress her.

Win a karate tournament.

Become a billionaire

and save the dumb dock
where her dad works.

What was I thinking?

Melanie and I are meant to be together.

I'm gonna stop talking
to my diverse sidekicks

and go and get the girl.

Where are you going?

To get more mango juice.

Good luck getting Melanie back, Mom!

You're blocking me in!

Then I guess I'll get there first!

Maya, get out.

I'm winning her back,

and I'm not taking no for an answer.

Do you have any idea
how toxic that trope is?

- We need to talk.
- Shh! It's the library.

I've been quiet long enough.

I didn't go looking for this,

but I felt something last night.

Don't listen to him. He's
just going to hurt you.

Shh!

I have to work so hard

to be understood,

but you just saw me.

- It was scary.
- Oh.

Should I leave you alone?

That scares me even more.

Wow. That was really good.

Um, should I kiss him?

Where did you find this girl? Yes!

Kenneth, I understand why you're upset.

I mean, I know you like Melanie.

But you have to understand...

With JJ going away to
college next year...

Maya, this isn't about you.

Are you sure? Feels like it is.

You know why you've never
seen me in a relationship?

Because ever since I met you,

my whole life has been
about you and your family.

But who cares.

In Maya-land, nothing
exists outside of the DiMeos.

Well, I get to have something, too.

Oh, Kenneth, I can
really see how you feel.

Maya!

Come on! I gave you a ride, lady!

Let me have this!

- What are you doing here?
- Melanie,

you are an amazing woman,

and you deserve to have
an equally amazing partner.

Now, maybe we can work this out

where you don't have to
choose between me or Kenneth.

But if you have to choose...

Can you hear my voice at this level?

Choose Kenneth.

Really? But you're still mad at him.

Well, I mean, things got weird.

But, you know,

I like how he dresses like
it's summer all year round.

And I love how he sings

what he needs to tell
you when he could...

♪ Just bloody say it ♪

But, I mean, what I like best
about him is that he's kind

and he's fantastic with my son

and he has a very, very big heart.

And he really likes you, Melanie.

Well, shouldn't he be
telling me all this?

I'm the one sacrificing you,

so I didn't want him coming in here

and messing it all up.

Plus, I wanted the big moment.

Please forgive him,

and I promise I won't interfere anymore.

Hey, you.

Oh, God, you heard.

♪ You're so special to me ♪

Oh. Oh, right.

Ew.