03x06 - Little Mr. Sacktown

[bunniefuu]

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

(ALARM CLOCK RINGS)

(SLURPING)

(LIGHTSABERS BUZZ)

(expl*si*n)

Check that out.
It's one of the Olsen twins.

-Which one?
-Ashley.

Oh, right, 'cause of the freckle.

Dude, I am the king
of celebrity chip look-alikes

-all over the world! Yes?
-Dude! Louis!

I wouldn't be saying that aloud
on the street, okay?

-Just keep it...
-Hey, gents.

What's up?

Take five, Grayson.

Why is that kid
wearing a leash?

(CHUCKLES) Maybe he bites.

Mock if you must

but this is my cousin,
Grayson Gribalski.

Grayson, Monsieurs
Louis and Twitty.

I'm honored.

Don't suck up, Grayson.
They can't help with your career.

Grayson's in training.

Tom, no offense but he seems
a little soft for boxing.

(BOTH LAUGH)

-Whoo!
-Whoo!

Newsflash: Grayson's in
training to defend his title

in the Little Mr. Sacktown
Pageant.

What? That little guy
right there

is Little Mr. Sacktown?!

He's won the crown
two years in a row.

Tom, nobody cares
about your dumb pageant.

It's just a popularity contest.

It happens to be an extremely positive

personality, fitness and
creative-expression competition.

Oh.

Did I mention
the thousand-dollar prize?

A thousand dollars?

That's how we got these
snazzy wheels.

Mush, Grayson!

There you go, Lefkowitz.

The Surgeon General's
dos and don'ts of skateboard safety.

Be careful
next time, okay?

So, ladies, are we ready
for the mall this afternoon?

Oh, half-off sale
at Scrunchy Junction.

I am so there.

My turn.

(BELLS TINKLING)

On second thought, Ren

I don't think I'll be partaking
in this afternoon's excursion.

Excuse me.

Monique...

-What flew up her nose?
-I'm not too sure.

-Ow! Ow!
-(REN GASPS) Oh!

Hey, Look at this, Beans, okay?

Little Mr. Sacktown gets to appear

on public access TV
with the Mayor himself.

You like that, huh?

Big deal. It's just cable.

Tawny?

Well, I'm not really
a pageant person

but Beans would look
really cute in a little tuxedo.

Don't you think so, Louis?

I think it's a big waste of time.
That's what I think.

Hey, kids!

BOTH:
Hi, Mr. Stevens.

Hey, Lou, I'm headed up to the roof
to install our new satellite dish.

Nice.

channels of crystal-clear
digital programming.

-Cool.
-Yep.

I sure could use
some help up there.

Yeah, bet you could.

Lou, are you getting the hint?

Oh, right, of course.
Sorry.

Donnie, Dad needs
your help outside!

TWITTY: Here's a sample question.
If a genie granted you one magical wish

what would you wish for?

-Bacon.
-Bacon.

Okay, Beans. I think the judges need
to hear, like a whole sentence.

Crispy bacon.

Still a fragment,

-but we're getting there, right?
-Right.

No, no, you're not getting there.
You're not.

You're not getting anywhere.

You guys don't know what you're doing!

You don't get to be Little Mr. Sacktown
by talking about bacon.

I'm sorry.

Beans... Hey, buddy, listen.

Beans, do you want that crown?

Do you want to be able
to walk down that runway

and wave to that crowd
while flashbulbs go off in your face

and a low-level local celebrity sings

the Little Mr. Sacktown theme song?

(SINGING) He's the pint-sized prince
from Central Cali

The shining star
from the San Joaquin Valley.

-You want that, don't you, Beans?
-I do.

You do?
Then, Beans, let me coach you.

We can get the crown, man.

I'm putty in your hands.

(SCREAMING)

I could use a little help now!

(DOORBELL RINGS)

Hey, did you bring
the science notes?

-Right here.
-Come on in.

Let's get started.

Ruby should be here
in a few minutes.

Ruby?

Yeah. She went home
to feed Jaws, her iguana.

Ren, I just remembered I probably
have something that I have to do.

Monique... sit.

All right, what is going on
with you and Ruby?

It's just going to sound so petty.

No. Look, it's bothering you
and it's affecting your friendship.

Okay, but you have to double swear
not to say anything to Ruby.

I swear. I swear.

Remember earlier today
when Ruby signed that cast?

Well, that was
my googly-eyed pen.

I loaned it to her
two weeks ago, in Science

and she never gave it back.

But it's just a pen.
Ask her for it back.

It's a matter of principle.

A true friend should not
have to be reminded

to return something so precious
as the googly-eyed pen

your great-aunt Tasha gave you
for your sixth birthday.

Well, how is she going to know that you're
mad at her if you don't tell her?

If she's really my friend,
she'll figure it out.

And you double swear
not to say anything.

I know.

Good, good, good. You've got decent
bone structure there, Beans.

Let's a have a look-see.

Uh-huh, that's a good sign.
It's not shining through.

-Uh, Louis.
-Wha...

-Forget it.
-Yeah.

Tawny, are all
the consent forms signed?

Yeah, everything's in order.

Next step is we ought to find out

a talent you're going to do
at the competition.

Beans, do you know any songs?

I know
"Polly Wolly Doodle."

Great. Then sing your heart out.

I don't know the words.

Okay, then just hum it.

I don't like to hum.
It makes my teeth itch.

Beans, just admit it!
You don't know "Polly Wolly Doodle."

Oh, really?

(ARMPIT FARTS TO TUNE
OF "POLLY WOLLY DOODLE")

What? Beans, you can't do...

Louis, was that
"Polly Wolly Doodle"?

Yeah. Beansy here's going to play it
for the Little Mr. Sacktown Pageant.

Oh, no, he is not.
Not if I'm coaching him.

Wait a second. Louis, you're involved
with this, too?

You would think that
this would be the last...

Thank you so much!

(CLEARS THROAT)

Always a pleasure.

Beans, how you doing?

Beans, focus, all right?

Focus, focus, focus.

Good.

Now, Beans, we got to figure out
a talent you can do

that's going to blow the judges
out of the water.

Think about it.

Good. Keep the form on that one.
Keep the form. There you go.

The last one.
Go down there.

This one here, Beans. Keep it going.

You're gonna find...
Back to the other one.

Keep going, Beans. No! Over here.

(MUTTERING)

Beans!

Stop it, Beans!

Stop it, Beans!

Hey, allow me.

Beans, let's call it a day, all right?

Okay, boss.

See you tomorrow,
bright and early.

Hi, Mrs. Stevens.

Hi, there, Beans.

(CHUCKLES)
That unusual little boy

-has certainly grown attached to you.
-Yeah.

I hope this wasn't
my good china.

No, no, no. I got it cheap
at a circus supply store.

Oh, well. Why?

Well, 'cause I'm training
Beans for the pageant.

Soda?

-You're training... For the pageant?
-Yeah.

I thought you said you were...

No, Ma, it doesn't even matter.
It doesn't even matter.

He doesn't have what it takes.

He's annoying. Just hearing him
talking gives me gas.

It gives me gas.
I physically hurt.

And then you can shine
a light through his ears.

I didn't know
I'm wasting my time.

The kid's
totally hopeless.

So, that's a cool pen.

Thanks. It's kind of goofy
but that's why I love it.

Where'd you get it?

You know, I don't
really remember.

Oh, come on, a pen like that
doesn't appear out of thin air.

Why do you care so
much about my pen?

Well, I was just wondering.

Maybe it has an amazing
history behind it.

Ren...

it's a pen.

Hey, Ren.

Come in.

What does this say here?

Oh!

"I hate you. Signed, Beans."

"I hate..."

Yeah, he hates you.

"I hate you"?

(COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYING)

Don't you think you've
had enough, sweetie?

It's been one of
those days, Sylvia.

I hear you, kid.

Hey, buddy.

What do you want?

Well, I got your note.

Guess you heard all those bad things
I said about you, huh?

Beans, you mind if
I show you something?

Who's the freak in the monkey suit?

The freak is yours truly.

That's a stupid name.

No, no, no, that's me.

See?

-You were in the pageant?
-Yeah.

I was a goofy little kid
with stars in his eyes.

I thought it'd be so cool
to wear that crown, you know?

What happened?

Well, I blew it.

You know, I had no coaching

or support team
or none of that stuff.

When I got out there on that
stage and looked at the audience

they were all laughing at me.

And that's when
I felt the breeze.

And then I looked
down and sure enough

my zipper
was at half-mast.

So, I spun around real fast,
you know, so nobody saw

and I fell right into
the orchestra pit.

And let me tell you
something, Beans

the trombones hurt

in a way that you will
never understand.

-What a loser.
-Yes.

Which is why
I worked you so hard.

I was living my dreams
through you.

So, this is all about you?

Exactly, Beans.

Which is why we got
to get back to work.

I got some glory to grab.

Forget it.

I'm going to win that crown
on my own.

Whoa, whoa, whoa,
Beans, Beans.

You can't make the same
mistake I made, man.

You can't go up there
and make a fool of yourself.

-I can and I will.
-(CAR HORN HONKING)

That's my ride.

Fine, Beans!

But don't expect me to be there
when you go down in...

(DOOR SLAMS)

(TINKLING)

Psst. Ruby.

Stop biting
on that pen.

I'm sorry, I chew when I think.

Okay, think about this.

Chew on your nails
like a normal person.

Ren, is there a problem?

No, Ms. Levelson.
Just something important came up.

Oh. Well, if it's so important

why don't you tell
the rest of the class.

-Oh... I can't do that.
-Mm-hmm.

Okay, then, I'm just going
to have to assume

that you were cheating.

Ms. Levelson,
please.

She was just bugging me
about this stupid pen.

She's, like, obsessed with it.

Excuse me.

That pen is not stupid.

I have had enough!

That is Monique's
googly-eyed pen.

You borrowed it, forgot
to return it; now return it!

Monique, I had no idea.

I'm so sorry.

I forgive you.

If Ren was a good friend,
she would've told me.

(SCOFFS)
Me?

Ren, you broke a double swear.

I... You guys put me
in a horrible situation

and now you're blaming me.

I am so out of here.

After I finish this test

I am so out of here.

-(MUSIC PLAYING)
-Sack

ANNOUNCER: Welcome to the th Annual
Little Mr. Sacktown Pageant.

And now, here there are direct
from TV's Cartoon Carnival

your host
for the th consecutive year...

Uncle Tuck and Saucy!

Thank you, Neil.
Thank you, folks.

Hey, welcome, welcome.
Welcome, everybody.

Hey, Saucy, why don't you
welcome the folks

to the Little
Mr. Sacktown Pageant.

You just did that, knucklehead.

-(GIGGLES)
-Saucy...

(LAUGHTER)

Hey, Saucy, are you
excited about tonight?

Where's what's-his-name,
parking his bicycle?

Um, actually, Beans

Louis isn't going
to be able to make it.

Oh, well, who cares?

I have a pageant to win.

(CHATTER FROM TV)

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

What? You guys haven't
moved for five hours.

What are you watching?

Shh! Program Guide.

STEVE: Do you know how many
channels we have?

Oh, that's ridiculous.
I'm driving.

MAN: (ON TV)
Next Wednesday night...

(MUSIC PLAYS)

...Dirty sink...

Hey, honey. You okay?

No. My two best friends hate me
over a stupid, ugly pen.

-(CHANNELS CHANGING)
-That's too bad. (LAUGHS)

But look how many
channels we have.

Bernard Aranguren.

(MUSIC PLAYS)

Is that Beans?

(APPLAUSE)

Aw, dude, I knew you'd be here
for the little guy no doubt.

Oh, no, I'm just here
'cause the little guy

owes me bucks for bacon.

-Oh.
-So, how's he doing?

(ALL GASP)

Aw, Beans.

(DISCO MUSIC PLAYS)

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

(LAUGHTER)

(APPLAUSE)

Whoo!

That kid's really got charisma.
Maybe he should see a doctor.

Saucy...

And now our final contestant

Little Mr. Sacktown
for two years running

Grayson Gribalski.

Whoo!

Hey, Saucy, that looks like the tuxedo
you wore at your third wedding.

And I'm still paying
for that mistake.

AUDIENCE:
Saucy...

We'll be right back.

For those of you folks
watching at home

here's the latest
judges' scores.

Hey, check it out, Beans and Grayson
are tied for the lead.

-(DOORBELL RINGS)
-Great, let's check the guide.

-No. Let go. Stop it.
-Come on. Please.

-Oh, come... Ow!
-Stop. Stop.

(DOORBELL RINGS)

I'll get it.

Ren, we felt terrible.

You were right.

We put you in a horrible position.

Please forgive us.

Oh, of course,
I forgive you guys.

Ooh!

But from now on we have to be
totally honest with each other.

-Brutally.
-Completely.

And, Ren, we felt so bad
about how we acted

we wanted to give you this.

-Your very own googly-eyed pen.
-Don't you just love it?

Well, um, since we're being
completely, brutally

totally honest here, um...

I...

(TINKLING)

I love it!

Next up for our
interview question...

Hey, surf's up for
Grayson Gribalski.

(APPLAUSE)

If you could have
any superpower

what would
it be and why?

If I could have a superpower,
I would want world peace.

-What?
-(APPLAUSE)

That's not a power.

-That's a brilliant answer, Jason.
-Grayson.

Grayson, Jason.
Whatever.

All right,
thank you very much.

All right, our next interviewee
and final contestant

is the very dapper
Bernard "Beans" Aranguren.

(APPLAUSE)

(CHEERING)

All right, Beans

if a magic genie
could grant you any wish

what would that wish be?

Don't say bacon, Beans.
Don't say bacon.

I would say bacon.

Oof.

Oh, all right.
Thank you very much, Beans.

Mister, let me finish.

I wish I had enough bacon
for everyone in the world

so that no one would
ever be hungry again.

Oh, that's a terrific answer.

(APPLAUSE)

I love you, Beans.

I love you.

(APPLAUSE)

He... he... he's in the zone.

Don't say that,
Cousin Grayson.

We still have the talent competition.

Now go, go, go.

-(COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYS)
-(AUDIENCE CLAPS)

(TRUMPET FANFARE)

(MARCHING BAND MUSIC PLAYING)

-(APPLAUSE)
-(LAUGHING)

(ACCORDION MUSIC PLAYING)

-(APPLAUSE)
-UNCLE TUCK: Oh, terrific!

(PLAYS "FLIGHT OF THE BUMBLEBEE")

(APPLAUSE)

Grayson Gribalski.
Wasn't he terrific?

Yeah, he was terrific.

Okay.

And now Bernard Aranguren.

Maybe he's back there
having some more bacon.

-Louis.
-Yeah, bud?

Where are the plates?

Beans, forget the plates.

Now you got this far
doing it your own way

now I want you to go
out there and win this Beans style.

Bernard Aranguren!

Bernard Aranguren!

(APPLAUSE)

Ladies and gentlemen
"Polly Wolly Doodle."

(ARMPIT SPUTTERING)

(FARTING TO TUNE
OF "POLLY WOLLY DOODLE")

(GROANING)

(SONG ENDS)

(CHEERING)

(SCATTERED APPLAUSE)

Well...

-That was really disgusting.
-Yeah.

He had a big lead.

Maybe he could still hang on.

And now the moment
we've all been waiting for.

What? You're leaving the business?

Saucy, we're going to have
to have a little talk

when this is all over.

Ladies and gentlemen,
our runner-up...

second best contestant

and winner of
a much smaller crown...

Beans Aranguren.

(APPLAUSE)

Little Mr. Sacktown
for the third consecutive year.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Grayson Gribalski.

(CHEERING)

(APPLAUSE)

(SINGING) He's the pint-sized prince
of Central Cali

The shining star
of the San Joaquin Valley.

Louis, you should be proud.

Beans lost to
one of the greats.

Hey, look, and Lou,
you know, second place isn't that bad.

I'm surprised the kid
found his way in.

I know, I just don't want
him to be too crushed.

You know what I'm saying?

I got a crown! I got a crown!

Yeah, you did, man.
Good job.

Louis, I know you
always wanted a crown.

What, you did?

Uh, y... yeah, it's a long story.

I want you to have this one.

Beans, no, man.
You worked too hard for it.

Okay.

No, no, Beans, Beans,
I was being polite.

Too late... you snooze, you lose.

Beans, give me my crown.

Beans!

How come you never told me
you were in that pageant?

'Cause you would've goofed on me
for the next hundred years.

That is so true.

Here you go, fellas.

-Enjoy your bacon.
-Thank you.

Oh, thanks.

Hey.

You stunk out there,
you no-talent stiff.

I am so sick of your abuse.

And I'm changing the locks!

What are you looking at?

(SCREAMING)