09x08 - A Light Thanksgiving Nosh

[bunniefuu]

ADULT ADAM: Back in the 's,
my mom was famous

for always getting her way.

She bulldozed everyone,

teachers, store employees,
even her own friends.

But my mom's arm-twisting
was about to get tested

when those friends became family.

Erica!

I need to get a head count
for Thanksgiving dinner.

Is your mother around?

(GRUNTS) / pounds

is a lot heavier than you think.

- Oof.
- Where do you buy a bird that big?

Oh, I've had this gobbler
since he was a chick.

I'd hand-feed him peanut butter, corn,

and pasta carbonara every day

until my relentless forced-gorging
did what it do. (CHUCKLES)

"My name was Popcorn."

That's so dark.

The dark meat is the juiciest.

Sorry to interrupt your pet's m*rder,

but I thought I was hosting
Thanksgiving this year.

Well, that doesn't
sound right, so it isn't.

And I'm already three hours into

a -hour seasoning process.

So? I made little menus
with a calligraphy pen.

She calls yams "yums."

That was actually my contribution.

That's not the brag you think it is.

And, Mom, Linda clearly thought

she was doing Thanksgiving this year.

She can still be a part
of the festivities.

I need help with the bird.

You will be scooping out
Popcorn's giblets.

Giblets are not as cute
as the name implies.

Just a butt full of guts.

I suggest putting down a beach towel,

'cause this juicy Johnny's

gonna leak something fierce.

Okay. Thank you.

Mom, you can't just steal Thanksgiving.

- It's Linda's turn.
- Oh, Linda.

You know, I just hate
seeing your pruney little face

more wrinkled and sad than usual,

so what about this?

You can have your own holiday.

The hell does that mean?

It means we'll all get together

and have a thing at Linda's house.

- A "thing"?
- BEVERLY: Yeah.

We'll call it Linda Day.

Ooh, Linda Day. That sounds fun.

Maybe it'll be a completely
random gathering,

at your house, at your expense,

anytime within the next
six to nine months.

What are we celebrating?

I don't know, Linda. It's your day.

The least you can do is figure
out why we should care.

(CHUCKLES) Also, heads up,
I can't make it.

We didn't even settle on a date.

I'm worried about
feeding people right now.

Perhaps you'd know what that's like

if you'd ever planned a Thanksgiving.

So, come on. (GRUNTS) Go.

- Ahh! I-It's heavy!
- I'll help you, Mama.

Giblet juice!

Oh, it's dripping in my moccasins.

Tilt that hole up!

♪ I'm twisted up inside ♪

♪ But nonetheless
I feel the need to say ♪

♪ I don't know the future ♪

♪ But the past keeps getting
clearer every day ♪

- (DOORBELL RINGS)
- ADULT ADAM: It was Thanksgiving week,

-something,
and Pop-Pop dropped by our house early

with a surprising plus-one.

I'm sorry, ma'am.

You must have found him

wandering aimlessly in the street.

We'll take it from here.

Your blood sugar
must be tanking, Pop-Pop.

You're at your son's house!

The w*r is long over!

This is not some random lady.

This is my special friend, Joyce.

It's so nice to meet you both.

Hold on.

There's something wrong
with your face, Pop-Pop.

Why is your frown curling upward?

Your eyes don't have their
characteristic hollowness,

and they're blue? You have blue eyes?

What color did you think they were?

I know this isn't a color, but "angry"?

These boys are hilarious.

You're blessed with a fun-loving family.

Yes, it's true.
I have a wonderful brood,

in whom I have absolutely no gripes.

What's happening right now?

Is today Opposite Day?

Is that why the mailman
was a lady in shorts?

I think he's dating her.

So, Joyce, why don't you come in

and tell us how Pop-Pop tricked you,

trapped you, met you?

I had just moved in a few doors down,

and they delivered Ben's
TV Guide to me by mistake,

and so I just knocked on his door.

And you took one look at him

and said, "More, please"?

(CHUCKLES) Walk us through
your flawed thinking.

Okay, you scamps. Cool it.

I just popped over to pick up
my tennis racket I left here.

I have to retrieve it.

What, to shake at the neighborhood kids

as they joyfully ride their bikes by?

No, to play tennis.
Joyce and I are gonna knock a few around.

(BOTH LAUGH)

What's so funny?

This guy?

Tennis? This guy?

I'll just get my ball-whacker
so we can go.

Oh.

My, uh, firstborn son,

in whom I have great pride.

Come, meet my new lady friend.

New lady friend?

You don't have any friends

or ladies or anything new,

but what the heck. Hi!

It's such a joy

to meet Ben's beautiful family.

- I'll go pull the car around.
- Right.

Pop-Pop, what is a gentle and kind lady

doing with, you know, this?

She enjoys my sparkling personality

and thinks I'm a family man.

So you lied to her?

Big time. (CHUCKLES)

I got a good reason. I love her shape.

She's gonna see right through you
when you try and play tennis today.

I'm way ahead of you on that one.

I'm gonna twist my ankle before

and then we're gonna go
make out in her Buick.

- Why?
- Old people don't deserve happiness.

All right, I haven't been
exactly forthright with her,

but we're happy.
Now, come on. I need this.

Well, it doesn't concern me,

so... (GROANS)

Great, because I'm gonna
bring her to Thanksgiving,

and I need you guys to keep up the ruse.

ADULT ADAM: While Pop-Pop was trying
to get us not to spill the beans,

my sister was trying
to mop up my mom's mess.

Well, I got rid of
the Thanksgiving cornucopia

that I grew in my garden. (CHUCKLES)

Just like the trampoline
that you kids never use.

- Think your mom's upset?
- Yeah, such a waste.

But one scary bounce on that bad
boy and I was like, "Not for moi."

Not the trampoline.

The fact that my mom stole
Thanksgiving from your mom

and she just let it happen.

Just letting it happen

is my family's way
of dealing with your mother

and your whole family, to be honest.

That ends now.

Linda, we're taking back Thanksgiving.

Oh, no, thank you.

I like that it was
stolen from me last-minute.

Keeps me on my toes,

and my doctor says I need to stand more.

Doesn't it bother you that my mom

bulldozes her way to whatever she wants?

Well, there is one worry.

She will keep us
from spending time with you

and, eventually, our grandkids.

ERICA: She totally will.

And not just holidays, every day.

You may never see them.

Do you remember when
she borrowed your hand mixer?

Oh, no. I can't have pancakes
or grandchildren?

Yeah, you're overreacting,
but there is a way.

See, Beverly Goldberg

only respects power and confidence.

I only have one of those. I mean none.

Nothing's ever gonna change

until you face her and don't back down.

- I don't know.
- I do.

You are strong, you are powerful,

and you deserve what's yours.

Now, go take back your damn holiday.

I can, and I will.

- (CLATTERING)
- I'm sorry!

Apology not accepted!

You want to take Thanksgiving
from Linda, fine.

But just know that
if you go through with this,

you won't be celebrating it with me.

Excuse me?

You heard me.

I will be celebrating
at the Schwartzes',

and you will enjoy a lonely Thanksgiving

without your original schmoopy-poo.

- You wouldn't.
- Try me.

ADULT ADAM: It was a standoff,
but my sister knew

my mom would never risk
a Schmoo-less Thanksgiving.

- Fine!
- Yes!

And since you won't
be needing it, Beverly,

I'll be taking that turkey.

So be it.

Here you go.

You have to let it go.

You're right. Here you go.

ADULT ADAM: As Erica tried to wrestle
Thanksgiving back from my mom,

Barry and I were pinning down
a plan of our own.

- Dad, we got a question.
- MURRAY: Not now.

There's a guy who
kind of looks like Pat Sajak

on America's Most Wanted.

We were thinking,
if Pop-Pop insists on us

helping him mislead Joyce
into thinking he's a nice guy,

we should get something out of it.

Like a lifetime of love and respect?

More like bucks.

So you're gonna extort your grandfather?

- Fine. Just leave me out of it.
- (KNOCK ON DOOR)

We've come to visit and whatnot.

There's where we get all our wisdom!

(LAUGHS) Hey!

We missed you, cherished grandpappy.

Look how much they love you.

Yeah, that was nice.

And embracing me, that was... welcome.

Physical affection
comes naturally to him.

Speaking of his generosity,

Pop-Pop, are we gonna
play the gobble-gobble game?

The gobble-gobble game?

You know, our Thanksgiving tradition

of handing us your wallet

and letting us gobble up
any money we find inside.

That is so sweet.

Is it? Is it?

Now, gobble-gobble, old man.

Sure. Sure. Here, gobble-gobble.

Four bucks? Aren't you an adult?

I don't like carrying cash.

There's greasers and
doo-woppers in my neighborhood.

We're gonna inherit nothing.

Murray, what about you?

Do you have any Thanksgiving
traditions with your dad?

Well, let me think.

Uh... no.

I'm sorry. Did I say something wrong?

No, no, no. Everything is peachy.

That's Murray's dry sense of humor.

He's... He's my funny boy.

Whatever this is, I hate it.

- We have a lot of Thanksgiving traditions.
- Oh, yeah?

We watch the football game together.

You mean you made me go in my room

and listen to it on the radio.

So we could compare experiences after.

And after the game,
you'd go for your cigar walk.

Well, sure.

I couldn't smoke around
Prince Murray and his asthma.

Another possibility? You're a liar.

And you were an annoying kid.

And there it is,

anger, yelling, and pettiness,

your real Thanksgiving tradition.

You know what? I-I think I should go.

No, wait, Joyce. (CHUCKLES) No, no.

We're just having fun here.

Yeah, but I'm not.

How could you mess this up for me?

You had years to play the loving dad.

You messed that up all on your own.

It's probably for the best.

Joyce's eyes were, like, all over me.

ADULT ADAM:
While Pop-Pop's lie was exposed,

my mom was hoping a covered dish

would keep her in
the Thanksgiving spotlight.

- Hello, Bev.
- Linda.

I thought I would drop off

my triple-cheese shrimp au gratin

so there's something decent to eat.

ERICA: Just bring it in the kitchen!

Erica?

The hell's this?

I'm helping Linda
with Thanksgiving prep.

Creamy sweet peas, Lou's favorite.

Oh, are those matching aprons?

BOTH: Two peas in a pod.

(BOTH CHUCKLE)

ADULT ADAM: While she may not have
been cooking Thanksgiving dinner,

watching Erica and Linda
bond in the kitchen...

I have to go.

...made my mom boil over.

But thankfully,
there was someone to dish to.

I come bearing a seasonal
candle, neighbor.

I've been cheated on!

Exodus : , no!

I'd never think that Murray
would have the energy,

let alone the desire.

And what woman would debase hers...

It's Linda [Bleep] Schwartz!

I always got a skank vibe off of her.

Murray didn't cheat on me with Linda.

Erica did.

Torrents of confusion.

Please explain.

The very fruit of my lush giving tree

is out gallivanting with another mother.

Wait, your daughter is hanging out

with her soon-to-be mother-in-law,

and that's bad because...

Because it is a disgusting
display of child infidelity.

I don't think child infidelity
is a real thing.

It's real.

Maybe my Thanksgivings just
aren't what they used to be.

Cheesy shrimp au gratin. Bleh!

That's not gonna keep her
coming home to Mama.

Fudge and crackers!

Thanksgiving's at the Schwartzes'?

My candle was an attempt
to snag an invite

to your Turkey Day.

Why can't there be two Thanksgivings?

(GASPS) Wait a minute.

Clear out your Wednesday.

You're invited to a nosh.

Hot damn! The candle worked.

(SNIFFS) It's perfect.

ADULT ADAM: After my dad had blown

Pop-Pop's cover with Joyce,

he was back to his sad bachelor ways.

- (KNOCK ON DOOR)
- I told you girls already,

I don't want anything from Samoa,

especially a cookie.

ADAM: Pop-Pop, open up!

- It's us.
- (KNOCK ON DOOR)

We feel really bad about any part we had

in your break-up with Joyce.

I was alone for decades before Joyce.

I'll be alone for decades after.

Don't say that.

There are other women out there.

Not like Joyce. She was perfect.

Nice figure, she didn't think
she was better than me,

and she lived within a -foot radius.

Why don't you try and win her back?

Win her back? She's not an object.

She's a smoking-hot broad

with a caboose that
never stops chugging.

- Caboose?
- Oh, ignoring that.

We'll help you.

Barry and I have a rich history

of grand, romantic gestures.

Guess it couldn't make it any worse.

- That's almost the spirit.
- You know what?

Let's start with a clothing makeover.

- What's the matter with these?
- They're hideous!

Time to raid your closet.

ADULT ADAM: Unfortunately,
Pop-Pop's closet wasn't a treasure trove.

I didn't even know they made
so many browns.

Technically, uh,
the one on the end is russet,

and, uh, that guy is Yukon gold,

and the fancy one is yam.

They're all named after potatoes,

the least sexy vegetable?

Everyone likes a potato.

It's a versatile tuber.

You're a tuber, huh?

Barry, no.

Let's just focus on the gesture part

- of the grand, romantic gesture.
- (GRUNTS)

Do you have any skills
that might dazzle a lady?

- I have Medicare. Is that a skill?
- No.

Let's just do what we always do,

you stand outside her window

holding a boombox over your head.

Box? No, that sounds expensive.

What about this thing?

Maybe you can sell it,
give her the money?

Oh, my accordion!

The ladies do go crazy over a guy

who's got one of those
strapped to his chest.

(ACCORDION WHEEZES)

Logic and judgment suggest
there's no way that's true,

but here we go.

I guess I can give the old girl
some squeezes, a few tickles.

Please tell me you're talking
about this thing, not Joyce.

ADULT ADAM: As Pop-Pop was
planning to use his accordion,

my mom was set to put the
Thanksgiving squeeze on Linda.

Well, thank you all for coming.

I know we have a big day
tomorrow at Linda's.

Well, tonight's get-together
is just a light Wednesday nosh

to prep our tummies for
Linda's smorgasbord tomorrow.

Back in a jiff.

ADULT ADAM:
But the nosh wasn't so light.

It was heavy. Very heavy.

- This is just Thanksgiving dinner.
- Cool.

- What did you do?
- Oh, this?

Well, it's just a light offering

of some coincidentally seasonal dishes.

I'm looking at five gravy boats.

The stuffing, mashed potatoes,
cornbread, and turkey

have to drown in something, Erica.

I brought a candle.

I see that it's unlit in the corner

and someone's placed some mail
on top of it, but that's fine.

How is this bird somehow
bigger than the first?

I always have a backup.

Um, this was Wishbone. Spirited fella.

The last seconds
of his life were chaotic.

Are those creamy sweet peas?

They're triple-creamy sweet peas.

The secret? More cream.

This is too far, woman. Too far.

Speaking of too far,

uh, could you put some
sweet potatoes on my plate?

It still has some white space.

Linda, you still have
real Thanksgiving tomorrow,

so why don't we all just relax

and fill our bellies
to their physical limits?

- Lou!
- They've got triple the cream, Linda!

I'm just a man!

ADULT ADAM: As my mom's big night
stole the spotlight from Linda,

Pop-Pop was about to
put on a show of his own.

Joyce is gonna love your new look.

What have you done to my hair?

I look like that Italian fella
on that show

with the leather jacket and the thumbs.

Exactly. An elderly Fonzie.

And what's with this sweater?

Sophia Loren couldn't fill this out.

It was my mom's, but don't worry.

The tag says "unisex."

(ACCORDION WHEEZING)

You look good. Fine. Different.

You're gonna be great.

ADULT ADAM: So in my mom's
most normal sweater,

Pop-Pop played In Your Eyes
by Peter Gabriel,

and he was good.

He was really good.

Ben, what are you doing here?

I'm winning you back
with the squeeze-box.

- (SOUR NOTE PLAYS)
- Oh, crap.

ADULT ADAM: Until he wasn't.

I, uh, I can't be talking while I...

- (CAT YOWLS)
- Ooh. My cat, he doesn't like...

- (SOUR NOTES PLAYING)
- Pop-Pop, stop.

It's like the moans of a
ghost trapped in our world!

I can get back into it.

I'm... I'm just off by one finger.

- (CAT YOWLING)
- Oh, no. Your cat got out.

I'll get it. I'm good with cats.

We both have adventurous natures.

I'm sorry.
I clearly can't play this thing.

I mean, my hair is all slicked back

and they got me in this
bosomy lady's garment.

Still, I-I appreciate
the effort. It's nice.

Mm.

You're nice.

No, I'm not.

I just made up some things
to impress you,

and the truth is, as a
father, I'm kind of a putz.

I just thought if I got lucky,

you'd never find out.

Ben, I don't want you to be perfect.

I just want you to be yourself.

Really?

Really.

This might be a little late,

but, uh, you wouldn't want to go

to a Thanksgiving dinner now, would you?

You know what? I would.

Not every day somebody
stands outside my door

and serenades me.

I'll get my purse.

(SIGHS)

And that, my boy, is why the accordion

is the most romantic of all
the instruments you wear.

ADULT ADAM: While
Pop-Pop's heart was full,

everyone's bellies were, too.

Turkey's almost done, everyone.

- No more!
- Are you trying to k*ll us?

Throw it in the trash, Linda!

- I'm kind of full myself.
- (KNOCK ON DOOR)

We're here.

Linda, I have to say,

I am so glad you are hosting this year.

Also, Murray will not be able to attend.

Something about
Thanksgiving being yesterday.

Yep. Bev's bird did me in, too.

I slept for hours last night,

instead of my usual .

Maybe that can be
our new tradition, huh?

Pre-Thanksgiving at the Goldbergs'?

ADULT ADAM: Erica realized
she had to do something

to take down my mom,

so she pulled out her biggest w*apon.

Can you help me set the table, Mom?

Or, fun thought, we skip
the meal and just call it.

Hey, yay! Four-day weekend, everybody.

Oh, I wasn't talking to you.
I was talking to Linda.

Can you help me set the table, Mom?

(SHATTERING)

I must be in my manic phase

because I am giddy with anticipation.

That's right.
Since we're becoming family,

I wanted to honor her
with the title of "Mom."

Mm. This feels right.

(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS)

Linda, is this true?

Have you decided that it is appropriate

for you to be addressed as
such by the fruit of my womb?

Oh, Beverly. You misheard.

I'm pretty sure she said "ma'am."

You said "ma'am," didn't you, Erica?

Tell her you said "ma'am."

Nope, I called you "Mom," Mom.

And that, Mom,

is what I will call you
from now on, Mom.

Geoffrey, when your mother
gets back, call me "Mom."

Finally. Mom. Or Mommy?

Mama? Ma? Mammy? Momo?

Forget it. You make everything weird.

Joanne, you give it a try.

I actually call her Linda.
What if I call you Linda? Would that work?

Worthless.

- Hey, Mom?
- Yes?

Oh, I meant Linda.

You should probably go ahead
and get used to that.

Okay, everyone. It's time.

Time for what? More drama?

For touch football in the yard.
It's our family tradition.

I'd like to play.

Just so you're clear, it's "touch."

Just so you're clear,
I don't give a [Bleep].

ADULT ADAM: That Thanksgiving,

my mom and sister prepared
for the most important

and maybe only touch football
game of their lives.

Mom supremacy was on the line.

All right, enough stretching.
Let's do this.

But I gotta keep these hammies warm

if I'm gonna shake and bake.

You know, my height and weight

are exactly the same

as Texas Oiler Earl Campbell.

Dad, please. No one knows
how to respond to that.

Okay, let's pick teams.

I, of course, pick my mom.

Yes. Thank you, sweetheart.
I knew you...

Damn it! You mean Linda, don't you?

Yep. And I'm gonna scoop up Joanne, too.

So now I'm stuck with the Schwartz men?

How is that fair?

And I'll be the referee

because the tension
is palpable in the fall air.

ADULT ADAM: And so, there on
the chilly ryegrass

of the Schwartz backyard,
warriors faced off.

On one side, my mom,

determined to reclaim
her status as top mom.

And on the other, my sister,

ready to defend her
mother-in-law at all costs.

- It was a game for the ages.
- (WHISTLE BLOWS)

Soon, it came down to the final drive.

Whichever team scored next won,

- and fate set two combatants...
- (DISTORTED) Run!

- ...on a collision course with history.
- (DISTORTED) No!

Mom!

(THUD)

- Linda, are you okay?
- I think so.

My shin might be a little bruised.

(GASPS) That isn't my leg, is it?

What the hell, Mom?

I was caught up in the game.
I didn't mean to...

Wreck your best friend?

All because you lost a stupid holiday.

(GROANS)

This might be the wrong time to ask,

is it "Linda" or "Lisa"?

ADULT ADAM: While my mom may
have seriously injured Linda,

Pop-Pop was trying to heal
some old wounds.

There he is, Father of the Year.

Just listen for a second, clever guy.

I shouldn't have lied.

And yes, I wasn't the best dad.

Best? You're in the bottom three.

All right, get your licks in.

I know I was a miserable schmuck,

and that's why I thought I'd never
have a lady in my life again.

All right, I was lonely, okay?

I didn't know that.
You could have told me.

- How?
- With words!

That's not my thing!

Look, the point is,

I would have done anything
to keep her around.

Then why'd you drag her over here?

You... You should have known
we'd ruin your lies.

I don't know. Maybe I wanted to
show you all off or something.

You want to watch the game?

- Uh, together?
- Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

ADULT ADAM: While my dad and Pop-Pop
looked to change their future,

my mom felt it was time
to apologize for the past.

Is it okay if I sit?

Why, so you can steal
Arbor Day or Cinco de Mayo

or Lou and Linda's anniversary?

Linda, I am so sorry.

You're one of my dearest friends.

And you are one of mine.

That's why I thought
it would be so sweet

when our families merge.

It can be. It will be.

I'm just so scared
I'm gonna lose my baby to you.

I'm scared I'm gonna lose
my baby to you.

(PETER GABRIEL'S "IN YOUR EYES" PLAYS)

How about that?

Sounds like you have
everything in common.

I guess that makes us pretty lucky.

I'm the lucky one. I get two great moms.

♪ Sometimes... ♪

Are you going to be okay
with me saying that?

Never.

But if it's gotta be someone,

I'm glad it's Linda.

ADULT ADAM: As you get older,
your family dynamics will inherently

change, shift, and evolve.

♪ I reach out from the inside... ♪

ADULT ADAM: Sometimes
it's to welcome new,

completely unexpected family members.

♪ In your eyes... ♪

ADULT ADAM: And sometimes,
it's to welcome friends

who've been there all along.

♪ I am complete ♪

♪ In your eyes, I see the doorway... ♪

When you make room
for everyone at your table...

you'll find every day

to be a joyous celebration.

What's up, Mom?

Ooh, yeah, that
still doesn't feel right.

It's wildly uncomfortable
for everyone involved.

There's got to be something
that speaks to our closeness.

Mee-maw? Mamacita? Mommers? Mommaroony?

Mumsy? Mama-lou?

Queen Mother? Mamasaurus Rex?

Mother Superior? Bahama Mama?
The Bev Train? Choo-choo.

Big Mama? She's a fine Mama-Jama?

Ooh, how about just "Beverly"?

Sorry. None of these are working.

But, Mrs. Goldberg...

Bup-bup! That's the one.