03x13 - Boy on a Rock

[bunniefuu]

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

(ALARM RINGING)

(SLURPING)

(LIGHTSABERS BUZZ)

(expl*si*n)

(SINGING)
There's a belt, a brand-new suit

And a pair of shoes to match

I wish I had a mustache...

Hey, Stevens you're blocking my spot.

I'm sorry, Coach Tugnut but we had
to move your spot

down by Pooley's Hardware store.

Pooley's Hard...
That's a block and half away.

I know, but I'm merely
Principal Wexler's student assistant.

I don't make the rules. He does.

-Oh, boy. Just great.
-Here you go.

Oh!

(ENGINE CHUGGING)

Not again!

Eisner, Ross, get over here
and give me a push

or you're going to run extra laps
at gym class.

There you go, Mr. Honeytoast.
Premium grade-A.

You're going to love it.

-LOUIS: Yeah, buddy.
-See you next week?

-Without a doubt. Drive safe.
-See ya.

(LOUD MUSIC PLAYING OVER CAR RADIO)

(MUSIC STOPS)

Principal Wexler, it is gorgeous.

(LAUGHS)

Oh, thanks, Ren. (LAUGHS)

You know, this is more
than just a new car.

This is the beginning
of a beautiful relationship.

(BOTH CHUCKLE)

Oh, how did Coach Tugnut take the news
about his parking spot?

-Uh, not so good, sir.
-(SQUEAKS)

Too bad.
Well, thanks for taking the heat.

No problem.

I just love being where the action is.

How's the coffee?

You are the best student assistant

-a principal could ever ask for.
-Thank you.

(CHUCKLES)

You know what?

-I want you to look into something for me.
-Mm-hmm.

I was going over the school budget
last night,

and I was looking at this group called
"The Lumberjack Club."

You know anything about them?

The Lumberjack Club?

No. I'm on it.

(SIGHS) Yeah.

-Yeah.
-LOUIS: Yeah!

Port was right. I'm so glad
we upgraded to premium.

-Oh, yeah.
-Hey, Lumber Lou,

how about another hearty plate of pancakes
for a hearty lumberjack?

You got it, Lumber Tom,
because nothing tastes better

than a hot plate of cakes
after a long day's lumberjacking.

Lumber Lou, tell us again how you came up
with the idea for the club.

Sure thing, Lumber Tawn.

Well, about two weeks ago when youse kids
was much younger,

everyone was signing up for clubs.

Anyone could get $ to form a club

as long as they had signatures.

Psst. Hey, kid.

Why don't you sign that paper?
It's for a good cause:

Heated toilet seats.

Once I had them signatures,

I thought to myself, "What kind of club
should I create?"

And then that's when I remembered my deep
and loyal love for the pancake.

I love this.

And how the pancake's always been
the official food for the lumberjack.

I love that story.

Here's to the lumberjack, guys.

One, two, three... lumberjack!

Woo!

I should have known that you would have
something to do with this.

Hey, Ren, how about a pancake for you,
huh?

This is not a lumberjack club.

This is an excuse to rip off the school.

No, no. See, that's not true.
See, we're legit. Legit with a big "L."

-And a small "egit."
-Yeah.

Oh, so, um, what exactly do you do?

Uh, at the club? Oh, all kinds of stuff.

Tons of stuff to mention. I mean, we talk,
we talk about, you know, topics.

Lumberjack topics and lumberjack lore.

You got to love the lore.

A lot of lores.

Uh, we sing lumberjack songs, too.

Oh, songs?

-Oh, really?
-Yep.

I would love to hear one.

One of our songs?

Yeah.

Um, Twitty.

Yeah, yeah.

Uh... (BLOWS TONE)

I'm going to grab my axe

And chika, chika, chop the wood

(SINGING GIBBERISH)

Wood, wood...

Stop!

That had to be the worst lumberjack song
I have ever, ever heard.

Sorry. I was a little bit off key there.

I got some syrup caught in my throat.

(GULPS)

Hmm. Principal Wexler will be hearing
about this.

Ren! Ren, come on.

Aren't you tired of doing his dirty work?

Enjoy your pancakes 'cause I guarantee
they will be your last.

Why does everyone hate the lumberjack?

TUGNUT: Okay, pipe down.

This is health class.

Today, I'm going to teach you
how to properly wash your hands.

Grab the soap.

Hold it gently, yet firmly,
as if you're cradling a baby bird.

And lather up.

I hope you're all paying attention.
It's going to be on the final.

Soap, soap, soap, soap.

Now we rinse.

And now it's time to towel off.

And my towel...

towel... towel...

Oh, I wonder if old Tweety's in here.
Tweety!

(LAUGHS)

Towel, towel...

Get up.

Towel off, left hand, right hand,

left hand, right hand...

Excuse me.

I need to see Ren Stevens for a moment.

I'm in the middle of an important lesson.

Coach, I could get the notes.

Go.

What are you doing out of your seat?
Sit down!

-Ren, I have a wonderful surprise for you.
-(GASPS)

Oh, sir, what is it?

(GASPS) Principal Wexler!

(STAMMERING)

It's my own desk!

Principal Wexler,
it's right outside your office.

I can't believe this.

I know you love to be where the action is.

I have my very own nameplate.

Thank you, Mr. Wexler.

Um, hey, Mr. Wexler. Hey, how you doing?

Yeah, I was just wondering, you know

if you ever needed another student
assistant or anything.

If you need any help in any way
that I'm here.

Actually, I have a very special job
for you.

Oh, okay.

All settled in? Excellent.

Principal Wexler, I just want to tell you
what an honor this is,

and I will be working twice as hard
just to show you my appreciation.

I know. Here's some things for you
to get started on.

I have some important errands to run
in my clean new car.

(GIGGLES) Bye.

Um...

(MUSIC PLAYING)
I got my red ride, I'm really going to fly

If someone asks you where I'm going

Please don't tell 'em why

I'm sorry, Sweeney but you know
Principal Wexler's policy.

Pants must be worn at the waist.

Thank you.

(MUSIC PLAYING) Cruising down the highway
With the wind in my hair...

Yes, Mother Wexler,
I'm so sorry,

but your son will not be able
to attend dinner with you on Sunday.

Um, he's not available right now.

He is at an important lunch conference.

(MUSIC PLAYING)
'Cause I don't really care

Wendy, it's okay.

Repeating the seventh grade does not have
to be a bad thing.

Look at it this way.
Since you did it already,

there's not going to be any surprises.

(SOBS)

(HUMMING)
Afternoon, Ren, how's it going?

-Actually, sir...
-Splendid! Keep up the good work.

(HUMMING)

Fire Jackie? Oh, no.

You know, I never had children.

I love these kids like they're my own.

Hey, Scottie, how you doing, kid?
Way to go, Scottie.

Hey, woo!

Scottie's not too chatty today.

Oh, that's 'cause Scottie's name is Todd.

That's probably why.

Yeah.

So, tell me, what do you want
to talk to me about?

(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY) Um...

Do those seat covers come in sheepskin?

How did it go? Did you fire Jackie?

I hope you told him I'm going to miss him.

Actually, sir, I gave him a raise.

What?

Look, I'm a kid, okay?

I don't fire people. That's your job.

-But I thought you liked responsibility.
-That's not responsibility.

That's me doing your dirty work

-that you can't handle.
-Excuse me?

I've been a principal for years.

I can handle anything.

Is that why I have to call your mother
and make excuses for you?

You know what, Ren?

Maybe being my assistant
is the wrong job for you.

-Well, maybe it is.
-Fine.

You can turn in your keys to your desk.

I want to thank you for the raise,
Mr. Wessel.

Ren, don't you work for Mr. Wexler
during study period?

Mr. who?
Oh, you mean

"Mr. Do Everything In My Big Fat Folder."

You two were so close.
Ren, what happened?

Can we not talk about it?
I'm so over that job.

Oh, no, just let it hang, Sweeney.

Ren, your behavior is very peculiar.

Yeah, I know, but it's okay
'cause I am happy.

I'm a regular kid now
doing regular kid things.

No more responsibilities.

No more being a part
of the trusted "inner circle."

(CHUCKLES)

No more being respected
and no more being a part

of important policy decisions. Excuse me.

Where are you going?

To apologize.

I want my old job back.

What the heck are you doing here?

Oh, um, just throwing away some mess...

and polishing my new nameplate,
"Lawrence M. Beale

"student assistant to the principal."

Can I help you?

-WEXLER: Larry, all settled in?
-Yes, sir.

Would you remind Miss Levelson
that she has lunch duty today?

LARRY: Yes, sir.

That's not too much responsibility
for you, is it, Larry?

LARRY: No, sir.

Good, and make sure

-this goes out in the mail.
-Yes, sir.

Thank you. You're going to make a
wonderful student assistant.

I know, sir. Uh, Ren,
is there anything I can help you with?

Principal Wexler is a very busy principal.

Oh, no. I just came to wish you
good luck, Larry, on your new job.

Well, thanks.

Ren? What are you doing here?

Oh, I was just clearing off your desk.

Did Principal Wexler send you?
Am I being fired?

Is this about the missing child?
Because I have a simple explanation.

No. Coach Tugnut, just chill out, okay?

Now, I don't work
for Principal Wexler anymore.

Larry has that job now and my desk,
but I'm over it.

And I was wondering if you were looking
for a personal assistant.

(CHUCKLES)
What do I need an assistant for?

(SCOFFS) Hold on.

(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)

(TINKLING)

Yeah, I polished them and arranged them
according to pitch.

Oh, my Tweety whistle. Huh.

(WHISTLE BLOWING)

Coach Tugnut, we're still waiting

for the midterm grades
for your Health class.

Oh, yeah, uh, you know,

couple As, couple Bs, a whole mess of Cs.

I'll mix it up.

Actually, my assistant will do it for me.

Ren's your student assistant?

That's right.

Um, hey, Mr. Wexler I made your coffee.

Oh, very good, Larry.

(CHUCKLES)

Mmm...

Mmm... nutmeggy goodness.

Here you go.

-(XYLOPHONE PLAYING)
-(HUMMING)

Man, I tell you, pancakes and smooth jazz

-hit a lumberjack at his core.
-Oh, yeah, but...

Okay, you guys are
in some serious trouble.

Larry, please.
Not while Nate is jamming.

Take a fiver, Nate,
this is going to get ugly.

Okay, according to Article seven,
Section

and I quote,
"No club can stay in existence

"unless they make
an educational presentation.

-"Failure to do so..."
-Larry! Come on, man, it's a little slow

my cakes are getting cold.
Hurry it up, buddy.

Okay. Either this club puts on a
presentation

or you give back every penny

you spent on the fancy syrup
and the marimba players.

-(XYLOPHONE PLAYING)
-Nice touch, Nate.

(SINGING) Ba-da-ba-ba.

I love this job.

Dude, we're dead. I mean, how are we
supposed to give back bucks?

We need to find a way out of this
presentation is what we need to do.

Why don't we just do the presentation?

Or we could do the presentation
and show the whole school

what being a lumberjack's all about, man!

(SHOUTING)

Yeah!

(SIGHS)

What is lumberjacking all about?

After college, I thought about moving to
Canada and playing football

but I don't speak Canadian,
so, I figured, "Why bother?"

So, instead, I moved in with my parents.

Kicked back for years.

Torque wrench.

Torque wrench.

Torque wrench. Is that it?

Yeah.

-Hey, Stevens?
-Yes.

-Am I boring you?
-No, Coach. Why?

Well, I don't know, you seemed,
uh, a little distracted...

like you'd rather be somewhere else.

Well, sir... the truth is, I...

(MUSIC BLARING)

I have never been so happy
in my entire life!

Really? Good.

Good.

So, where was I?

Oh, yeah. Moving home was a good time
for me.

Got my head on straight.

Lost pounds.

Ren never put nutmeg in my coffee.

-I understand, Mr. W.... no nutmeg.
-And she never called me "Mr. W."

Ah. Okay, got it... Mr. Wexler.
Sorry about that.

Don't worry, I got everything
under control.

Good, because my tummy really does hurt.

-I'm sorry.
-Any calls?

Yes, just your mother.

-Mother? What does she want?
-Well, she said that you two

don't spend enough time together,
so I invited her over for a visit.

What?!

No! Call her up and tell her I got
important principally thing and I...

Conrad.

Mother.

Uh, uh, so good of you to come down here
for a visit.

Mr. Wexler, I'm going to wash your car.

Conrad, are you feeling right?
You don't look well.

Mmm... oh...

Oh, come on and tell Mama.
You know you gonna tell me anyway.

I'm gonna get it out of you.

-Okay. I got a tummy-ache.
-Oh, that's it?

From now on, you're eating dinner
at my house every night.

-Every night? Mommy, I can't...
-Don't you "Mama, I" me.

Now, you're coming over.

Don't be late.
Love you, baby. Kiss-kiss.

(SONG PLAYING OUTSIDE)
Lumberjack men...

What in tarnation?

They'll chop your trees
If you just say when

Lumberjack men, we're lumberjack men

We'll bring you wood galore
If you need...

Holy axe handles!

Larry, what's all of this about?

Look, I have no idea, sir.

Welcome to Lumberjack Day, sir.

Pancake on a stick for you?

No, not... stop it!

Larry, I told you to shut down
the Lumberjack Club.

Look, I did, sir. Look, I don't know
what he's doing.

Oh, all I'm doing is just
a regular educational presentation

required of every club, sir, that's all.

Stevens, this better not be

another one of your shim-shams, or there
will be severe consequences.

No, it's not. Come on,
we'll show you a booth.

We got a sign in table over here.

TAWNY: (OVER P.A.) Welcome
to Lumberjack Day. Enjoy our exhibits.

Our Lumber-guides will be happy to answer
any of your questions.

And we have Nate for your musical
enjoyment.

Ah.

Any more appointments today, Ren?

No, Coach, you never have
any appointments.

Mmm. Well, since my schedule is clear,

why don't you grab me another one
of these flapjack sticks?

Sir, it's after school, and quite frankly,
I don't really think I should get...

Would you like buckwheat or blueberry?

TAWNY:
And now, for our grand finale...

Lumber-dudes Louis Stevens and Alan Twitty

will demonstrate
the two-person crosscut saw

by cutting down the old dead tree

we all know affectionately
as "Old Dead-y."

-Hey, Louis.
-Yeah?

I got to admit that this is a pretty
impressive presentation.

-Thank you.
-Yup, but are you sure that this is safe?

Safe? Ren, please.

I figured this out all scientifically,
you know?

I know it... it's going to fall
right there, right behind you.

Okay.

(TREE CRACKING)

Oh, dear.

I've always wanted to say this, brother.

-Timber!
-(TREE CRACKING)

(CROWD GROANING)

(BOTH YELLING)

(YELLING)

Run!!!

See? I told you that club was bogus,
Mr. Wexler.

(SOBBING)

(SOBBING) Oh, God!

Look what they've done
to my sweet, sweet ride!

Oh...

Principal Wexler, I'm so sorry.
I know you loved that car.

Yes! I did love her!

Fortunately,
that's what insurance is for.

Larry, you sent out that payment,
didn't you?

Well, see, I remember
you giving me the mail

but, see, I just didn't get around to
doing... I'm so sorry, Mr. Wexler!

I'm so sorry!

(GASPS)
Mr. Wexler!

Principal Wexler, come on,
breathe, breathe.

Principal Wexler, breathe.

Oh, Principal Wexler, are you okay?

Ren...

Please don't tell Mother about the car.

She loaned me the down payment.

No, it's okay, Principal Wexler.

I mailed your insurance check yesterday.

-You did?
-Yup.

You're covered.
They will replace your car.

But you weren't working for me yesterday.

I didn't want it to fall
through the cracks.

Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you!

Ren, you are a jewel!

Oh, pshaw.

Ren, I... I want to apologize.

You're so good at what you do
that I sometimes forget

that you're the student
and I'm the principal.

Well, it's okay.

But hey, we made a pretty good team.

Ren, would you...?

Yeah, if you'll have me.

-Welcome back.
-Oh, thank you.

TUGNUT: Ren!

Ren!

(STRANGLED SCREAM)

I can't find my Tweety whistle!

(SOBBING)

(BOTH CHUCKLING)