03x16 - Beans on the Brain

[bunniefuu]

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

(ALARM CLOCK RINGS)

(SLURPING)

(LIGHTSABERS BUZZ)

(expl*si*n)

Isn't algebra exciting?

The constant search for the unknown.

Now, let's see what our three
young mathematicians have come up with.

Tawny, what'd you get?

Um, I got...
I got X equals , Y equals .

Correctamundo.

Mr. Twitty, how'd you do on yours?

Um, X equals , Y equals ?

Perfection.

The man is a genius.

Mr. Stevens... what have we here?

It's a map of Utah.

(ALL CHUCKLE)

Louis, always trying to keep things light.

But ultimately,
I have to know that you know

what you're talking about.

(TICKING)

Yeah, I, um... I'll tell you...
I got, um...

I got X plus X to the fifth times Y.

Uh...

to which I say, why not?

Why do fools fall in love?

These are all
very big questions, you know?

(SCHOOL BELL RINGS)

Unfortunately, we're out of time.

So sorry.

MR. LOPEZ: Quickly.

Any questions before
the big midterm tomorrow?

Because as they say,
the only stupid questions

are the ones you ask yourself

on the bus ride home.

I have a question.

Yes, Louis?

Um, if a chicken had lips,
could it whistle?

(STUDENTS LAUGHING)

I'll ask myself on the bus ride home.

Thanks, Olga.
Break a leg at the meet.

That about wraps it up
for Olga Seabolt,

perhaps the best ninth grade
pole-vaulter in Sacramento.

With Olga leading the way,
Lawrence has a great sh*t

at winning their first
city championship

on the big meet on Friday.

Oh, hey, look, there's Artie Ryan.

Hey, Artie, um...

so how are you preparing
for your sh*t put?

Buzz off, I'm training.

Well, that's fascinating.
You know what's really fun

is when a reporter tries to do
an activity that she's reporting on.

No, it's not.

(CHUCKLES)

What do I do, just throw it?

-Heave it.
-Heave it. Okay.

(GRUNTS)

-(THUDS)
-(GASPS)

(GROANS) Olga.

Nice heave.

I...

Olga, I am so sorry.

Look, um, I could buy you
a bag of ice, right?

-My treat. Jumbo bag.
-Way to go, Stevens.

You just blew our team's
chance of winning.

But, Coach Carns,

can I make it up to you at least?

Um... I'll bake you some brown bread.

I don't need no stinking brown bread.
I need a pole-vaulter.

-Oh, then I can pole-vault.
-(SCOFFS)

You think you can learn
the most difficult sport

in track and field in one week?

Coach, come on, I once made
a complete diorama

of Albert Einstein's study in minutes.

Oh, listen, honey, I dated Einstein.

He could probably pole-vault
higher than you.

Well, can you just give me a chance?

Well...

you look a little flimsy to me.

but if you're anything
like your brother Donnie,

maybe you can learn by Friday.

I can and I will.

In fact, I'm gonna start training today.

I'm gonna show you
I'm gonna be a great pole-vaulter.

Yeah, and I'm getting back
together with Einstein.

(CACKLES)

All right, there was this one time
in second grade

where I had this babysitter who used
to always come over to my house

and do her algebra homework, okay?

And so, I'm sitting there,
and I ask her, I'm like,

"Hey, why are doing math with letters?"

And she was all like,
"Go in the kitchen

"and make me a sandwich,
you little brat."

Like, she was not
a very good babysitter, okay?

But anyways, I remember
sitting there thinking

I am never gonna be able
to do algebra.

-Yeah, but Mr. Lopez makes it easy.
-Yeah, and fun, too.

Like, I really feel I'm gonna ace
this midterm tomorrow.

Guys, I think I missed the point
of this whole story.

Did you make her the sandwich or not?

Okay, do you guys wanna come over
to my house for a study session?

Yeah, yeah, I'm in. Louis?

Today? No. No, I can't.
I mean, I'd love to, but I can't.

I got this, uh, very important meeting
with a colleague of mine.

Why do my fingers
smell like egg salad?

Beans, come on, man,
you got to focus.

Look, this is a tremendous
learning opportunity for you.

See, Beans, this is potentially
my greatest undertaking ever.

So, what's the deal, boss?

I can't tell you that, Beans.

You're on a strictly
need-to-know basis, buddy.

-Louis.
-Yeah?

Shouldn't you be studying
for your algebra midterm?

I... I... I am.

In my own way.

With Beans and a leaf blower?

Don't look at me.

I'm on a need-to-know basis.

(CHUCKLES)

See, X equals Y to the fourth power.

Listen up, Stevens.

You've got to at least get over the bar
for us to have a sh*t at the championship.

Over the bar.

REN: I gotcha.

I may have lost my gallbladder
and my sense of smell

but I'm not losing this track meet, missy.

Okay.

(SQUEALS)

Stevens!

You stink!

Well... it's not as easy as it looks.

Look, just say to yourself, "Left, right

"left, right, hold on tight

"with all your might,
plant, drive, arch and over."

That's gonna work?

Hold my eyelashes.

(YELLING)

Oh, my gosh,
that was so amazing, Coach.

You really inspired me to...

-Lashes.
-Oh.

Right.

Okay. This is your first big-boy prank.

I know, it's a dream come true.

(WHISPERS) All right, be quiet.

Ah, good morning, Peaches.

-Ah.
-BIRD: Hi, handsome.

How you doing, Peaches?

-(BIRD SQUAWKS)
-(LAUGHS)

Oh, I just love our little pep talks. Yes.

Oh, yes.

Did you sleep well? I know you did.

Get on your daddy's shoulder. Yeah.

Oh, let's see how it is outside.
(CHUCKLES)

Oh, they' re just...

Huh? What? What? What?

(GASPS) Peaches, it's snowing.

Right here in Sacramento.

(SQUAWKS)

You put the ice in, Beans?

Beans, come on, man,
faster with the ice.

There you go, there you go.

Hurry up. Don't put the plunger in.

Put ice! No.

ANNOUNCER: (ON RADIO) We interrupt
this broadcast for a special bulletin.

Ladies and gentlemen of Sacramento,

we are experiencing
our first real blizzard.

That's right, a nasty

nasty blizzard.

With snow piling up to six feet.

Boy, that's bigger than a school door.

Oh, my stars!

Ow.

Oh, Peaches.

Conrad, don't panic. Don't panic.

(GASPS)

It's real!

Hey, mister.

Sorry about the snowball, mister.

School's out.

What? School's out?

LOUIS: The following schools are closed
due to this blizzard.

Jefferson, Folsom,

Carmichael, Citrus Heights,
Rancho Cordova

and we're still waiting
to hear from Lawrence.

I guess someone's asleep
over there at the switch.

Well, I'll tell you this,
whoever's in charge over there

won't be in charge for long.

(RINGING)

Lawrence Junior High.

Oh, Mildred, you made it in.

Mr. Wexler?

Get on the auto-dialer right away.

We need to notify every parent
that I'm closing the school.

May I ask why?

Very funny.

Now stay inside, keep warm.

Oh, and if you get hungry,
I have turkey in the desk drawer.

Mildred, I think I know snow
when I see it.

REN: (ON RADIO)
Louis, what are you doing?

LOUIS: Ren, please
just keep jogging. Keep jogging.

REN: Put down the microphone.

Uh, Mildred,
cancel that cancellation.

Shut the schools down immediately.

-Immediately, shut them down.
-Give me the mic! give me it!

-Give me it! (GRUNTS)
-No, you can't...

I got your back, boss.

Sorry.

Bad... bad aim, bad aim.

Sorry, sorry.

Tim looks good.

That championship is ours.

Mr. Wexler.

What about Louis?

Louis has some explaining to do

about his little snow scam.

It...it...What... It's...
Look, I just felt that, um...

everybody at Lawrence,

you know, was doing really good work

and, um, we could use
a day off, that's all.

That's enough!
I'm sorry, Mr. Wexler.

Louis will never pull
this kind of a stunt again.

That's right.

Because I am officially
suspending Louis from school.

I'm having his locker cleaned out
as we speak.

Louis Stevens is not allowed
in this school for one whole week.

Welcome to Stevens Academy.

For the next week,
this room is your school.

He's all yours.

Louis, you're late,

and we have
a lot of assignments to get through.

Now, we'll begin with English class.

You forgot to call attendance, Mom.

-Louis...
-Present.

This is serious.

I have taken off work for you.

So you had better shape up

or you will never leave
this house, understood?

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Very good, Louis.

(BLOWS WHISTLE)

Two, three, good,
four and five and...

-(BLOWS WHISTLE)
-First you must climb, climb.

(GRUFFLY)
You're gonna love this, I know you will.

(BRITISH ACCENT)
"I know how to tell thee who I am."

(FEMININE VOICE) "My ears have not yet
drunk a hundred words."

(BRITISH ACCENT) "My name, dear saint,
is hateful to myself."

(FEMININE VOICE)
"Art thou not Romeo?"

"...I would tear the word."

Oh, oh, oh, bravo, honey.

-Thank you so much.
-Oh, I just...

Very constraining,
and I'd like to change now.

Okay, we've covered everything
but algebra.

Well, look at the time.

Um, it's spring break,

so I'll see you in a week,
or ten days or whatever.

I'll be in Cabo.

Louis, come on, honey.

You are doing too well to quit now.

(CHUCKLES)

Left, right. Hold on tight

with all your might.

Plant, drive,

arch... and over!

(SQUEALS, GRUNTS)

(FRUSTRATED GRUNT)

You know that you're supposed to go
over the bar, right?

Really, Artie?
Thanks for that helpful hint.

-The championships are tomorrow.
-Yeah.

And don't worry about me.

I'll be ready.

Yeah, and I'll be the king of Norway.

(SQUEALS)

-(LOUIS SNORING)
-Louis?

(CONTINUES SNORING)

-Louis?
-I didn't do it!

I know.

What?

The equation, you didn't do it.

Huh?

I did the equation in my head, up here.

Okay, good, now do it on the board.

Mom, don't you think we did
enough work today, huh?

Okay. You can finish it for homework.

-For homework?
-Mm-hmm.

(CHUCKLES)
No, we're already home.

So technically, this was homework.

Yeah, you can't give homework
on homework.

-It's just not done.
-Louis...

something is going to be finished here.

It's either going to be this work
or your weekend.

Now, you decide.

Mom, you...
Mom, you can't do that.

(LOUIS MUMBLING)

Forty-five! You got it, baby!

You got it totally wrong, Louis.

You know what, why don't you just...

go accomplish something
and leave me alone.

Louis, I... I'm really not trying
to put you down.

I just don't understand
why you put so much effort

into skipping one day of school.

No, you don't wanna hear. No.

You know, in a freakish,
kind of weird-sister way, I do.

All right, well, it's this stuff.

-Algebra.
-Yeah.

I don't understand it, and I'll listen

and I'll try to understand it,
but I can't.

And that's why I did
the whole snow thing

and then I tried to get the, uh,
the midterm postponed.

I don't understand,
if you had a problem

why didn't you just go
ask Mr. Lopez for help?

(ECHOING)
What's the worst that happen?

(SHOUTING)

(MALICIOUS LAUGHTER)

Hey, stupid!

(SCHOOL BELL RINGS)

Oh! No, I can't. I can't. I can't.

I can't do it.
People are gonna think I'm stupid.

Stupid? You may do
some really stupid things sometimes

but that doesn't mean
that you are stupid.

Listen, I'm the only kid in the class

that doesn't know what's going on.

I know how it feels

to try and try at something
and just never get it right.

No, you don't. You don't understand.
You're good at everything.

Thanks.

But did you ever try pole-vaulting?

Is... is that where they, uh...

They... they do the volleyball in the pool?

No, that's when you stick
the pole in the ground

and you hit yourself.

Are you gonna go to that track meet later?

Is your sister really gonna do
the pole vault?

Stop. Guys, I'm trying
to concentrate, please.

MR. LOPEZ: So, obviously,

the first thing we do
are the operations inside the parentheses.

(ECHOING)
So, we have blah, blah, blah,

blah, blah,

blah, blah, blah,

blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Okay. Any questions?

Last chance
before the train leaves the station.

Yeah.

Louis?

Um...

I... I don't understand.

I'm glad you asked for help.

Why don't you, uh...

catch up with me after school.

Oh.

You see, Louis, sometimes
when something in math doesn't click,

it means there's a gap in your knowledge
that keeps you from understanding.

-A gap?
-Yeah.

Well, I got gaps.

Yeah. Uh, when did you first feel
like you were falling behind?

Oh, like, kindergarten.

Yeah.

(HEAVY SIGH)

Okay. So, let's start at the beginning.

(CHUCKLING) Okay.

Next?

Basic addition, plus .

Multiplication. This is genius.

Division.

See how many times eight
goes into .

That's it. You solved it, boss.

Going to algebra now.

X equals...

Y plus six.

No, we wanna leave the three
over here.

-Right, right, right. Okay.
-Good.

Then Y equals .

-That's it, buddy.
-All right.

Good job. Good job, buddy.

ANNOUNCER:
This is Artie Ryan's final attempt.

Will he break the school record?

-He breaks it!
-(CHEERING)

Nice sh*t, Ryan! School record!

A lot of good that'll do.

Ya!

(CROWD GROANS)

ANNOUNCER: That was Ren Stevens
with another miss.

She has one last attempt.

Ay-yay-yay-yay-yay-yay!

Okay, Stevens,
if you don't make it over the bar,

we lose the championship.

Yeah, no pressure or anything.

Eh, quit bellyaching.

You've been training all week.

You can do it!

Just remember everything I told you.

-Okay. Here goes.
-This is Ren Stevens's final attempt.

All she has to do is clear the bar

for Lawrence Junior High
to win the championship.

(SIGHS) Left, right, hold on tight.

Left, right, hold on tight.

-Mom, Dad, I'm trying to concentrate.
-Guess what.

I got it. I can solve equations
with two unknowns now.

I'm trying to pole-vault here.

Then you might wanna put
the stick thingy in the ground, Ren.

ANNOUNCER: Ren Stevens is up...

-And over!
-(CROWD CHEERING)

For the first time, Lawrence Junior High
is the city grand champion!

Holy Toledo!

(ALL CHEERING)

-(BOINGING AND CRASHING ON TV)
-(LOUIS LAUGHS)

Hey, do you ever see
Artie Ryan around anywhere?

No, not since the track meet.

-(NEWS BREAK THEME PLAYING)
-What?

ANCHORMAN: We interrupt this cartoon
to go live to Oslo

for our special coronation coverage.

I now pronounce you
King Artie of Norway.

(ROYAL MUSIC PLAYING)

I am the king!

(CHEERING)

(MUSIC PLAYS LOUDLY)

-Brownie?
-Yeah.