03x22 - Leavin' Stevens

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Even Stevens". Aired June 17, 2000 - June 2, 2003.
Seventh-grader Louis, struggles to fit in at school and in his picture- perfect family.
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03x22 - Leavin' Stevens

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ANCHORMAN: The two candidates
for Sacramento's vacant congressional seat

are in a virtual tie.

Wait, this just in -

we have projected a winner.

The newest member of congress will be...

Team-o Supreme-o!

Hey, it's a new one!

Beans, put the remote down now.

You little...


STEVE: Get that remote!

Come on, Louis!

LOUIS: Don't pull, it's stuck!
STEVE: Come on, get that...

We'll miss the Sacramento results!

...downtown merchants.

-How'd she do that?

But the big news is the race between

Eileen Stevens and Charles Nuck
for Congress.

Our newest member of Congress:

State Senator Eileen Stevens.


I... I just look forward
to being your voice in Congress.

And my family and I will be moving
to Washington immediately,

so you can rest assured
that I will be on the job - .

We're moving to Washington?

Hello? Mom's in Congress now.

-Congress is in Washington.
-Since when?

And I want to thank my family

for being so supportive and...
and you...

you can bet that they are just as excited

as I am about all
the new adventures ahead.

Last day we'll walk
down these halls together.

It's the last time
we'll see you open your locker.

Tom, enough.

It's the last time
I'll hear you say, "Tom, enough!"

Tom, relax.
Nothing's really going to change, okay?

I mean, Washington's like, what,
like a four-hour plane ride?

No, it's like... it's like two.

Okay, like, a two-hour plane ride,
you know?

And we'll just fly out there after school,

you know, chill with Louis
and be back by dinnertime.

Yeah, or you can meet me
somewhere in the middle,

-like Nebraska or Canada or something.

You poor, delusional fools.

Louis is moving
across the country tomorrow,

and we're never going to see him again.

Let's just treasure this moment.


-Get him off. Get him off me!
-Come on, Tom, come on.

Hey, buddy, let's go freshen you up, yeah?

-It's good?

Let's let Romeo bid farewell
to his Juliet.

Yeah, let's do that.


So... uh... today's your last day.

Yeah, yeah, you know...
packing stuff up just, you know,

it's kind of weird, memories, and...

-you know...

Yeah, I know. It was just...
I was just getting used to you.


-So, I...
-Listen, I, um... I...

-Go ahead. No. You.
-Oh, no, you go.

-You sure?


What, um......
What I was going to say...

I'm... I'm really going to miss...

the uh... chili... fries on Wednesday,

-Yeah. Yeah, I love those.
-Yeah, they're real good.

-Every Wednesday...
-Yeah, great.

-I gotta go.
-Oh, so yeah...

-So, um...


So, uh...


-All right.

-Have fun.

And your essays on the fruit fly
are due tomorrow.

Now, on a sadder note,

this is Ren Stevens' last day.

I know we're all
going to miss her terribly.

And I speak for the entire faculty
when I say...

(SIGHS) ...there goes the school average.

Thank you.


Ren... I can't believe this is happening.

-I know.
-I think I'm going to cry.

Oh, don't cry - then I'll cry.

Stop, you're making me cry.

Oh, girls.

Who's going to pep us up
when we're feeling down?

Monique, you're the queen of pep.

Hey, what about
the Peachbox concert?

We waited six hours in line
for those tickets,

and it never would have happened

if you didn't organize
our bathroom breaks.

What are we going to do without her?

Oh, girls, come here. Group hug.

Aww... we'll do something.

Look, I know you're not the most romantic
guy in the world, you know,

but do you really want

the last thing that you talk
about with Tawny to be...

chili fries?

-Of course, you don't.

Yeah, but it's too late, you know?

I hear what you're saying,
but I already said my goodbyes.

No. No, it's... never too late.

Scamper, scamper, scamper...

and bow down before my lady. Very nice.

Painting, painting, painting...

You're the nimble swordsman
with a roll, and...

Nice, very nice, Donnie, very nice.

Arching, arching, arching, arching...

and smile!



-What's up with them?

Oh, they're probably just responding
to the fact that rhythmic gymnastics

is a woman's sport.

It is?

Then why are you giving me
all these free coaching sessions?

Donnie, I have it on good authority

that by the next Olympics,
men will be competing, too.

Oh, so we're just getting
a jump on the competition.

Exactly. Donnie, you're going to be
my first student

to win an Olympic Gold Medal.


Well, uh, actually, Coach,
we're moving to Washington.

Tomorrow, like, for good.


You okay? Coach?

Well, uh, hey... thanks.

See you.


Tawny, hi.

Hi, um...

by the time you see this,
I'll probably already be in Washington.

It's far. It's about, uh...

it's about , miles away.

I looked it up.

I didn't want the last thing
we talked about to be about chili fries.

So, that's why I'm doing this.

This tape, you know.

To tell you how I really feel.

Ladies, thank you for coming
on such short notice.

Now, I've scrutinized stacks of profiles,

I even interviewed dozens
of qualified candidates,

and I think I've chosen
the perfect replacement.

Ren, what on earth are you talking about?


get ready to meet your new best friend.

Now, I think you've seen
Denise around school.

Denise, they're all yours.

Be gentle with them.

Hello, ladies.

Now, losing a friend as...

as great as Ren can be tough

but I promise that I will try
and make this transition

as smooth as possible.

Starting with the Peachbox concert.

Denise, I'm officially handing
over my ticket to you.

The three of us
are going to have a blast together.

-EILEEN: Oh! Oh! Oh!

This box weighs a ton!

Why are there holes in it?



So I can breathe.

Beans, you are not
coming to Washington with us.

Come on, you'll never know I'm there.



Fine, but you're going to miss me, though.

Now, listen, Tom,
I'm entrusting you with this tape, okay?

So, if anybody else besides Tawny
gets their hands on this,

I will personally track you down
and make you pay.

You hear what I'm saying?

-Is that a thr*at, Louis?
-Yeah, that's a thr*at.

Oh... okay, well,
I respond very well to thr*at,

so consider this tape delivered.


-Hey, Coach.

I talked it over with my wife,
and we both agreed

that a little space in our relationship
is a good thing.

So, Washington D.C., here I come.

Wait, so we can actually
continue my training?

-You bet!
-You're sure she doesn't mind?

Oh, Tammy's a very busy woman herself.

I mean, she's got her step aerobics class,
her soaps...

oh, and she's been working
the night shift over at Romano's Pizza.

Uh, Coach, Romano's Pizza
closed, like, two years ago.

-They did?

Whatever. I'm sure
there's a logical explanation.

Hey, see you in Washington, Donnie.


Mr. Kupcheck, I've been
with your firm for years,

and I've held my tongue up until now,

but since we're moving,
I just thought I'd let you know...

-you are the most pompous, ridiculous...

Eileen, I'm on a roll. Hold on.

Now, where was I?
Oh, yes, overbearing windbag of a boss

I've ever had the displeasure
of working for!

And that includes my year as a shepherd!



What's wrong, Eileen?

Oh, you need to see this,
everybody needs to see...

Donnie! Ren! Louis! Come down here!

What happened?


ANCHORMAN: In a stunning
and dramatic reversal,

a recount has snatched victory away
from State Senator Eileen Stevens,

and by a scant votes,

has given the vacant congressional seat
to Charles Nuck.

-My tape!
-My friends!

-My job!
-My coach!

My seat!

STEVE: Yes, there is an explanation
for my behavior, Mr. Kupcheck.

You see, I was sleep talking.

Yes, very rare, very serious.
It runs in my family.

My father once went on a rant
about vanilla ice cream.

"It's too boring! It's too bland!"
Truth is, he loved the stuff.

He was just sound asleep...


Mr. Kupcheck?

Have you seen the want ads?

Honey, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.

This entire election has been a disaster.

Come on, Eileen, it's not your fault.

I know it's not my fault.

The people have spoken. It’s their fault.

No. Let this go now.

-We're going to get through this.

-Seventeen votes.
-I know.

-I know.

-I know.


Oh, Ren, you're staying!

I'd be lost without you.

I know. I'm so glad I'm back.

Um, sir, you have a little doughnut
frosting right on your chin there.

Yes, I do. (CHUCKLES)

All right, I should get out of here.
I got to go type your schedule.

Ren's back and I'm feeling hunky-dory

Ren's back and I'm feeling hunky-dory

Ren's back and I'm feeling hunky...



Sir, sir, sir, come on.
Let's go get you a nice cup of herbal tea.

-Cookies, too?

Dude, what's up with Wexler?

Wexler? Oh, I don't know.
Listen, Twitty... Twitty, hold on, listen.

I've got a problem.
I did the worst thing I could possibly do.

Dude, don't worry about it.

Everyone gets gas climbing
the rope in gym. It's okay.

Listen, I gave Tawny this tape,

this video cassette
telling her how I really feel.

All right, how bad is it, man?

-I mean, it's bad.
-Did you drop the "L" b*mb?

What's the "L" b*mb?

Did you tell Tawny that you loved her?

'Cause you mean if I had...?

What do I do right now?

I don't know, man, but you're going
to have to face her sooner or later.


I'll do it later.

My girls.


Oh, I'm so happy you're staying.

Me, too.

I don't know what's more exciting,
Ren staying...

or backstage passes to Peachbox!

-You guys got backstage passes?
-Yeah, Denise is so awesome.

Her cousin Paulie knows a guy
who dates a girl who works at KSAK .


Well, you guys are going
to have a great time.

So, Denise, what time
is your mom picking us up?

You can check your itinerary.

I put them in the front of your binders.

That's... That's really comprehensive.

The neatly little organized sections
with the color-coded tabs...

Emergency breath mints?

Denise, you think of everything.


Tawny... hey.

-Hi, Louis.


Well, we've got some stuff
to talk about, right?

Oh, yeah.

I turned on my television last night.

That was really freaky.

So it was upsetting?


Your mom lost the election.

My... My mom.

Yeah. Yeah, she was, uh...

she was crushed. It was horrible.

But at least you're not moving, right?

Oh, yeah, no,
I'm right here, I'm right here.

You didn't... You didn't happen
to get a tape from Tom?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, he made it sound all important.

But knowing Tom,
it's probably some nature special,

or his mom's th birthday.

Oh, good party. That was a good...
That's besides the point.

Um, the point is, you didn't...
you didn't watch it or...

Oh, no. I mean, I'll probably watch it
when I get home today,

so he doesn't bug me anymore.


Well, that's great.

That's great. Um...

Good talking to you.

Get back to reading.

-I've got class.
-Oh, yeah, me, too.

Oh, cool.
I'll see you around, then.


"And Pablito the Burro swished his tail
at the pesky fly and said... "


Oh, that's me.


Mr. B. Yeah, it's Mr. L.

Mr. L, it's Mr. B.

All right, listen.
I've got a mission for you.

I'm listening.

I'm in, Professor Cuddlebottoms.

Beans, I said no code names.
You can't give code names right now.

Just find the tape and bring it down now.

You're not the boss of me.

Why can't I be the lookout guy?

You can't be the lookout guy,
'cause the last time

you were the lookout guy, you fell asleep!

Do you remember?

Her pillow smells good.

My pillow smells like macaroni and cheese.

Beans, what did we discuss, hmm?

You find the tape,

and then you can smell whatever
you want to smell, all right?

Just find the tape.

It might be in her shoe rack,
or in her closet or something.

Did you hear me, Beans?



Beans, get up!

Wake up! Beans wake up!

Wake up! I'm stuck.

Come over here and pull this thing up.

Getting a little hippy there,
Professor Cuddlebottoms.

Beans, come here.

Hey... Beans, where are you going?

To get a snack.

I always eat after I take a nap.

TAWNY: In a minute, Mom.
I just have to put my book upstairs.

Hide. Go hide.

Beans, Beans, look.
There's the tape!

Get the tape! Get...
There we go.

Got it. Let's get out of here.

Beans, get out of here?
I'm still stuck, remember?

There, hold it up, hold it up.

-Here we go. Don't forget the tape, right?
-Oh, yeah.

(SCREAMING): Oh, Beans!


"To Louis."

Hi, Louis. Um...

I'm sending you this tape

because I didn't want the last
thing we said to each other

to be about chili fries.

LOUIS: I remember the first time
I saw you.

I had fallen off the flagpole,

hurt like crud,

but it didn't matter,

'cause there you were.

And then you fell off
the flagpole, and...

I just remember thinking
how funny you were.

Not funny that you broke
your back, but just...

that you were a funny person.

And you were really cute, too.

I like the way you look at me.

You have this look you do...
right after I do something stupid,

you give me this look.
It's like you're going to get mad...

but then you just smile.

As long as I live, I'm...

I'm never going
to meet anybody like you.

I'm going to miss you so much.

I love you, Tawny.

I love you, Louis.

Ren, we just wanted to say hi
before Denise gets here.

She's testing us on our Emergency
Concert Separation Plan.

Oh, that's right, the concert's tonight.
That's cool, right?


-We don't want to go.
-At all.

Okay, well...

Okay, what if I told you
you didn't have to go?

I'd be happier than a puppy
with a brand-new chew toy.

-But we don't want to flake on her.
-You don't have to.

DENISE: Hello, Ladies.

I've got leashes.

It is unbelievable

how many kids get separated
from their friends at a big concert.

(WHISTLES): 'Kay...

Denise, look, the girls,
they wanted me to tell you that, um,

it's probably not going
to work out tonight.

-Yeah, but relax.

I have two perfect replacements.

Michelle, Rhonda.

Come here.

Guys, this is Denise.

They love Peachbox.

And your concert packs.

Oh, thanks, Ren!

I just love concerts.

Me, too. Plus, I heard we're sitting
next to Kenny Diller.

He's going with Leslie King, but he
was supposed to go with Karen Lawson,

and she's got mono...

Hey, we'll have
plenty of time to chitchat.

Let's get to planning.


-Wow, that was completely freaky.
-Oh, completely.

Completely. (CHUCKLES)

Ren, I'm so glad you're not moving.

Yeah, me, too.




I saw a tape last night.

Yeah, I... I saw a tape, too.



So, I heard they're having chili fries
at lunch today.


I love chili fries.

STEVE: You can beg as much as you want,
Kupcheck, I'm not coming back!

Wow, Steve, I love it
when you get forceful.

Look at your cheeks, they're all flushed.

Well, they're really going to blaze
if Kupcheck actually ever calls.

Uh-huh. (LAUGHS)

You know, I'm really glad
we're not going to Washington.

This is our home.

Yeah, me, too.

You know, I think our family just needed
a good kick in the pants

to show us how lucky we really are.

There we go. It's the last glass.

So, we put everything away? We're done?

We're all done.

Everything's back where it belongs.

Not everything.

Oh, Donnie!



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