This him is it?
This is your new lodger
He'll have to work mind
Dear Patrick,
my name is Rosemary
I am the editor of
Vintage Bear Enthusiast
Don't you show your face around here
without a f*cking Grand
Get back into witness pro
And this time
you will be co-operating fully
I'd like to request that Rhona and I
Live separately from now on
If we go our separate ways
that will be it
Here you are lads, he's come home!
Hello
If you are watching this video
You've just received
the powerful news
That you will be living in
witness protection
Long term
Look
I'm not going to patronize you
That's tough,
but there is a siver lining
Or should I say,
Platinum lining
Because you've just qualified
For Witpro platinum level
So, what are the benefits
Well, for a start, , metro points
loaded on to your card - today
These Cafe Nero cards are all stamped up,
and there must be - of them in here
A reconditioned iphone S,
with no more than one previous owner
Orange Wednesday,
didn't they stop doing them?
Not for you
Subs; peterfromspain
Get your thumb out your ass, it's time to work
Da, why's he wearin a top?
Why are you wearin yer top?
Yer a man aintya?
Now, I'm really excited for you folks to see this one
As you can see, there's lots of light,
lots of space
Now, erm, who's the cook?
So, Casa mama's Jerk Burger
Pizza deluxe calzone
So if I can just get your autograph
there and there
sticky finger ribs...
Congrats guys
Come on!
And three bottomless pepsies
I wanna feck you
I wanna feck you in the night
I wanna feck you under the covers
There she is, the superstar
Have you seen it?
And that is every branch in the southwest,
not just ours
My god!
My chin looks so fat
Ama, does my chin look fat?
You look gorgeous
right, come on, lunch,
we're celebrating
Put Archie in his cage
and give him a dental stick
I want to try that new place next to
Tiles, Tiles, Tiles
Come on in
's I believe
's I'd say
The full pageant suede in the late fities
Collecter?
No, no I'm not
And of course,
it's not plumbed in is it?
It's only a blummin show house
So I called Gary
Now don't laugh, Gary
Hi guys, I just want to tell you about our,
erm
About our, erm, specials
We've got erm,
Bread
And erm,
Screaming hot fingers?
Just reading off the board
Not trying to do your job or anything
Whatever yor name is
Imogen
Imogen? you choose that yourself?
Er, no
My parents did
I'll just , give you a minute and
come back for your order
ooh, I could eat another one of them,
honestly
If we weren't going back to work!
I'm disgusting!
Hi, sorry, I've just got your bill,
whenever you're ready
Flying ants, the f*cking bastards
are everywhere upstairs
Have a listen to this one
Right, say you open a brewery,
that one partner so happens to own
You pay for beer that he never gives you
Make a couple of grand disappear every week,
easy
Not bad, not bad, see I told yer,
f*cking smart this one
That college's loss is our f*cking gain
Well, f*ck me
Look who it is
Long time no see
Hope you aren't coming here fuckin empty handed son
Not on flying ants day
I'm in a bad enough mood as it is
Where the f*ck
do you think you're going?
, ,
Nah, I counted it a few times and there was
a thousand pound there
Give me ten minutes
And I'll be back here with pounds
f*cking sick of that twat
See if there's any f*cking decent bread in the place
A bit of toast wouldn't go amiss
The f*cking bastard
Frank!
Come on Paddy, let's get him moved
Put him on there,
come on then
Wait!, wait a moment
Ready?
Get his arse in there
I've got my arms stuck
Stop, stop!
Lean forwards so I can get my
f*cking arms out
Now let's get his legs in,
ready?
Er, thanks
Hey!
Hi!
Thanks
For coming back
My shift finishes and I
Do you want to?
Yeah
Well, I'll just
I'm really sorry again
You know, about
It's forgotten
I think I probably over-reacted a little bit
I've missed you
I've missed you too
Stop it!
You're going to start me off!
I've been such a bitch
I've been a bitch
Can we be friends again?
It's just, it's so hard you know!
So hard
Here, blow your nose on this
We'll be closing here in a minute
Do you want to come back to mine?
I've got a juicer
Yeah
Mr. Slick what's your real name?
Adrian
Adrian
Like a film star
What's it like in the city?
I expect you're always brawling
in the night clubs
Have you ever met Kanye West?
I've like a dream
It's nothing
One day, I want to get a bus
And go to Claire's accessories
Go to Claires accessories
and try everything on
Heard you k*lled a man
You're an outlaw too
Wow!
Is this your flat?
Yeah
They gave you this flat?
Good god no!
Shoes
You're not still living in the flat they gave you
are you?
Yeah
I'm really lucky you see cos
I work in Lettings
So I get to see the good stuff as
it comes in
I could help you out actually
What's your budget?
Oh my god!,
there's this office dog
Archie, it's a french bulldog
It belongs to the office so
Some times I take him home,
sometimes Trish does
We got him different jumpers every day
Look at his little face!
Yeah, that is so great
I'm really happy for you
Thanks, and you
You've got lovely hair
I can't take any more
I'm sorry I didn't want to get all
We are never going home,
are we?
Well, you know
The police are trying to catch Whealan
aren't they
Yeah, and have been for about years
And even if they do catch him,
what then?
He'll just be running the show
from the inside
Well there's not much we can do
There's no point crying about it
is there?
There is something we can do,
there is
I've been thinking about it
We have to get rid of Whealan
For good
We need to k*ll him
I'm sorry
I'm no lawyer but I'm pretty sure
that's way illegal
Well, what choice do we have?
Rhona
If you'd asked me a year ago
did I want to live in witness protection
Seven times out of ten I would have said
No, of course not
But, I'm making the best of it
Bad stuff happens
It's how you react to it that counts
I'll give you a lift home
Dear Patrick, you are a goodhearted young man
Dear Rosemary
Sorry for the slow reply
Many thanks for your kind words
You might get a kick out of this
I was passing an antique shop
When I saw a 's Merrythought
in near mint condition
Dear Patrick
Lovely to hear from you
Such a knowledgeable young man
Come' ere
There's something I want to show you
Come on, I won't bite yer
Close the door
This is me bra
It was mammy's before she left
Nice
And when you've finished in that top field
I want
Jesus, Mary and the holy St. Joseph!
You dirty little bastard!
Thomas get in here
and get a hold of this prick
Keep him away from her
You'll be married on Sunday
You'll be married on Sunday
f*ck me
That one of the fuckin?
Stupid f*ckers
Shall we vacate to my office and plot
An appropriate course of fuckin action?
I'm out boys
You win again
Trish, come and have a look at this
Just watch that video
Keep watching
And look at the kittens face
Ama, have you seen this?
Do you fancy a coff Trish,
I'm doing one for myself
No ta, I've already had as many
as I can manage today
Oh Archie
Hello sir, how can I help?
Was it sales or lettings you wanted?
Trish!
Oh my God, thank god you're ok!
Come in
It was on TV, I thought it was you,
a woman's been sh*t
Oh my God!, that's Trish, that's Trish
It's ok, she's ok, they said that she's awake
And talking in hospital
It was horrible, it was so close
It's ok, you're safe now
They were trying to k*ll me Rhona
I know, it's ok, you're safe now
Yeah
All right?
I did manage to get the bastard
in the head
With a coffee machine though
Ok, have a seat,
I'll make you a Ribena
Make it hot
I just hope Trish is ok
I cant even go see her can I?
I can't go back to the office
The flat
I love that flat!
That's it innit
Lianne
This is what I meant
We can never build lives in here
The only alternative is if Whealan is
Gone
Rhona, no!
We can't
We're not
K*llers
Oh, look this is it
Oh God! that's my office
Turn it up, turn it up!
Oh, yeah, sorry,
I forgot about that
A dog got sh*t
Right
I want Whealan's shitty bloody head
On a f*cking spike!
We get g*ns
I don't know where
The NLL?
And go into that pub,
open fire
And I'll be like;
this is for Archie
Alright Clive Owen
sit down
Look,
I've been thinking about this
A lot
Even if we could k*ll Whealan
We would almost certainly
face retaliation
From one of his lackeys afterwards
Not to mention the whole matter
of life imprisonment
Then, what?
What if
somebody else k*lled him?
What if we could maybe
Make that happen
But who?
There's another g*ng
Think about it Lianne
The guy in the ice-cream van
The one we saw get sh*t
There's another g*ng
03x02 - Episode 2
Watch/Buy Amazon
"Witless" centers on two flatmates whose lives are thrown into disarray after witnessing a gangland sh**ting. They find themselves whisked into witness protection, given new identities and left to fend for themselves in a grubby flat Swindon. Staying undercover doesn’t prove easy.
"Witless" centers on two flatmates whose lives are thrown into disarray after witnessing a gangland sh**ting. They find themselves whisked into witness protection, given new identities and left to fend for themselves in a grubby flat Swindon. Staying undercover doesn’t prove easy.