02x02 - Episode 2

[bunniefuu]

(SNORING)

(CAR ALARM BEEPING)

(WHISPERS) Eric.

- Eric.
- (GRUMBLES)

- BETH: Can you hear that?
- What?

BETH: The noise. Is that ours?

Somebody might be stealing the car.

Well, if they can get it started,
they're welcome to it.

Go and see whose it is.

- (SIGHS)
- BETH: Might not even be a car alarm.

Somebody might be getting burgled.

Does Christine have a burglar alarm?

No.

She's got a picture of herself
in the hall that scares folk off.

You'll need to go and have a look.
Go on.

(GROANS)

(CAR ALARM CONTINUES BEEPING)

- Whose is it?
- I don't know.

I panicked, I thought someone
was nicking our car.

Beth thought it might be ours.

They'll not touch yours.

- I think it's coming from over the back.
- You think?

Shh, listen.

(CAR ALARM CONTINUES BEEPING)

It's quite soothing after a while,
isn't it?

There's not much we can do.

Nope. It'll go off eventually.

Right. I'm away, back in.

- Beth awake?
- Aye, she woke me up.

- Cathy?
- No, no. She's out cold.

Once her head hits the pillow,
that's her.

No matter what you try.

Right.

OK, squire, uh, that's enough
excitement for one night.

What is that f*cking noise?

(THEME SONG PLAYING)

CHRISTINE: I thought it might
be my tinnitus flaring up again.

Have you ever had tinnitus, Eric?

- No.
- (GROANS)

It's like a constant grating noise
in your ear.

And it goes on, and on, and on.

If you've never had it,
you wouldn't understand.

No. I think I understand it.

Oh, here he is.

- ERIC: How'd you get on?
- Aye.

It's a Volvo.
Outside one of the wee bungalows.

The guy in the next door says
they're away on holiday.

Oh, bloody hell.

He's going to phone them. But apparently
there's a bit of a time difference.

Ah, easy does it.

We don't want to wake them up,
while they're on their holidays, eh?

Well, we need to do something,
because see the batteries in a Volvo?

That'll be going for months.

Oh, no!

Can he not just get into the house
and get a spare key?

Aye, why don't we set off the burglar
alarm as well, eh?

Look. Come on.
There's nothing else we can do.

Why don't we just go to our beds, eh?

- Eric. What is going on?
- Oh, there's Beth.

Beth. This is a nightmare.

COLIN: It's fine.

I've been around and checked it out.
Someone's away on a holiday.

Volvo, Beth.

Well, is someone going to call
the police?

Well, the thing is Beth,
there's not actually been a crime.

It's one of the wee bungalows
you said, Colin?

- Aye.
- Here, Beth,

I bet it's that guy whose wife
did away with herself.

Remember, she borrowed
a step ladder off you

and you never got it back.

Eric? Were you not going to buy a Volvo
at one point?

I've never been a fan
of bungalows, you know.

You get an awful lot of spiders in them.

I'd love to stick around and chat

but seeing as
it's the middle of the night,

I might actually go back to my bed.

Oh. How we're supposed to sleep
after all this carry on, I don't know.

Wee cup of tea and you'll be fine.

Are you having one, Beth?

- Well, no. What I meant was...
- I'll just have one then. Come on.

OK.

You see, what it could have been
is maybe a cat

that's jumped on to the bonnet
of the car and set the alarm off.

CHRISTINE: Aye.
They jump onto the bonnet

after the car's been running.
They get heat off the engine.

Ain't that right, Beth?

I don't know.

They're notorious, cats,
for loving that heat. (CHUCKLES)

Ain't they, Beth?

- Yes, Christine.
- Hmm.

They like heat. They like sleep.

That's why I will never have a cat.

They're just lazy little monkeys.

What about a dog?

All that walking? Oh, f*ck that!

We don't leave our car in the driveway
when we go on holiday.

- No?
- COLIN: No.

It goes into the long-stay car park.

Oh, I don't know about that.

Handing your car keys over
to somebody you don't know?

They could be doing anything with it.

Like what?

There's security there, hours a day.

Aye.
It's them that I'd be worrying about.

What?

Security guards. Ex-army.

Listen. If they can cover up getting
poor, wee Iraqi blokes

to stand on one leg and sh*t in a bin

they will have no qualms about

taking your motor for a spin
when your back's turned.

(YAWNS) Oh, gosh.

You tired, Eric?

Funnily enough, yes I am.

When was the last time you were
up at this time of night, eh?

With my bladder,

there's nothing dear diary about this,
let me tell you.

Remember, when we were young,
we were just getting in at this time.

(LAUGHING) Aye.

I remember, we used to steal rolls from
outside the baker's shop

at five o'clock in the morning

after we'd been out dancing.

- Did you ever do that, Eric?
- I did, aye. Once or twice.

Pint of milk as well,
off somebody's doorstep.

Oh, aye.

And their newspaper, as well.

Christ, I'm glad I left my handbag
in the house.

(DOORBELL CHIMES)

Sophie.

- Is my mum here?
- Uh, yes she is.

Oh God, I wondered where she was.
I got up and she wasn't in her bed.

Come in.

Well you're here.
I wondered where you were.

Yes, I'm here.

Beth insisted that I come in.

Ah, well, you could have told me.

I was worried,
something could have happened to you.

Oh, that's good.

First, I'm getting into trouble
for poking my nose in.

Then, she's complaining when I disappear
out my bed in the middle of the night.

You just cannae win.

You get woken up by the alarm too,
did you?

- What is it? A car?
- Volvo, Sophie.

Have you phoned the police?

- There's no point in phoning the police.
- How not?

Because a crime has not been committed.

Sit down, Sophie.

You must be absolutely knackered.

The last thing you need at the minute
is to be woken up at night.

It's fine. I've not really been sleeping
well lately anyway.

- BETH: No?
- No.

Can you not get comfy?

I was the same when I had Ian.

It was the kicking that would keep
me up at night.

Not really had much kicking.

Sweating, Beth, she's getting.

A lot of sweating.

And peeing.

Peeing awful heavy.

- Jesus wept.
- I say to her, Beth,

you better enjoy whatever control
you've got of your bladder the now,

because once you've had the baby,

well, every cough and sneeze will leave
you leaking like an old fridge.

(ALARM STOPS)

Hang on.

Has it stopped?

- (CAR ALARM BEEPING)
- No! Still going.

Here, Colin. You get back round there
and see what's going on.

(CAR ALARM CONTINUES)

(SIGHS)

- I'll maybe just...
- Don't even think about it.

- What?
- If you think

you're slopping off upstairs,
leaving me here with Christine,

you can forget it.

She'll be going back in next door soon,
will she no?

CHRISTINE: Beth, more tea.

(ERIC SIGHS)

How come it's always us that
gets lumbered?

(WHISPERS) I don't know, Eric.

Too bloody soft. That's the trouble.

We're going to have to put
the foot down.

Just learn to say no.

Do you want a tea as well?

Aye, all right.

I'm just saying if you decide now,

it'll be less for you to think about
when you come out of the hospital.

And I'm just saying, that I want
a name that I actually like.

I understand that.

But some of the names that you're coming
up with, they might be fashionable,

- but to me, they just sound daft.
- How do they?

Well, what was the one
you came up with last night?

- Shelby.
- Shelby. (LAUGHS)

Sounds like a service station on the M .

All right?

Mmm-hmm.

(SIGHS)

- (CAR ALARM CONTINUES)
- They're good cars, Volvos.

We were thinking about getting one,
you know?

(SOPHIE SIGHS DEEPLY)

- We didn't.
- (DOOR OPENS)

- Ah, what's happening?
- Well. They got hold of them.

Well, that's good.

And he's trying to get in touch
with his brother

who's got a spare key.

- Right.
- But,

he's on a spa weekend.

Jesus Christ, and where's the sister?
Lying in a hammock on a desert island.

There's certainly nothing to be gained
by us sitting up all night, is there?

No, no. Go away up the stairs.

I take it Eric, that means
you won't be wanting one of these then!

BETH: (GASPING) What?

Rolls? In the name of God.

- Where'd you get them?
- The shop.

The shop's not open this time of night.

- Never said I bought them.
- (CHUCKLES)

Oh, Colin!

You're a dirty wee thief.

Well after all that chat earlier,

I couldn't get the idea of a big, crusty
roll out of my head.

So, come on, Beth. Get the pan on.

And don't try and tell me
you don't have any bacon.

Oh, come on. You're not going to start
eating rolls at this time, are you?

- I'm starving.
- (GROANS)

And I thought you were away to your bed?

Well, I'll stay up for a roll.

- (SOPHIE GIGGLES)
- COLIN: Sophie, will you take one?

Well here, you've already got
a bun in the oven.

I wouldn't mind one actually.

- (EXCLAIMS)
- What?

Christine?

Come here to me.

One with bacon, one with egg.

Tell me exactly how
I've ended up frying sausages

at four o'clock in the morning.

- Honestly.
- Well, I said to you, didn't I?

Don't start again, Eric.

Well, maybe this will cheer them
up a little bit.

- What do you mean?
- (SCOFFS) Christine and Sophie.

You could cut the atmosphere with
a Kn*fe when I went through.

Sophie said they'd been arguing
quite a lot recently.

Aw, that's a shame,

'cause normally they get on so well,
don't they?

Leave it.

You wonder what people did before there
were rolls, don't ya?

Oh, I know.

Baps, they're called in England.

I remember Sophie went on a trip with
the school to London. Remember, Sophie?

- Yeah.
- Aye.

When she came back I said to her,
"How was London"?

She said, "It was unbelievable"!

Trafalgar Square's a sh*t hole.

Rolls are called baps.
And a fish supper is £ .

Oh, here she comes. Here's the chef.

ERIC: Oh, yes!

Oh, good on you, Beth.

OK, right.

Colin, one bacon and one square sausage.

Oh, Cath'll be sorry she missed this.
She likes a bacon roll.

Should you not send her a text in case
she wakes up and wonders where you are?

- All right.
- BETH: Christine.

Oh! You beauty!

- A bacon roll, eh, Eric?
- Aye.

- BETH: Sophie, that's for you.
- Thanks.

- Eric.
- Oh, yes.

- You not got any bacon, Eric?
- No, scrambled egg for him.

- Uh-uh! It's already salted.
- (GROANS)

Thanks very much, Beth.

Much obliged to ya.

There's not too much butter in this,
is there?

- No.
- It's just, I'm watching my cholesterol.

(CAR ALARM CONTINUES BEEPING)

Just the two bits of bacon, eh?

(SIGHS)

Aw!

God bless you, Beth.

- Any brown sauce, Beth?
- What?

Gotta have brown sauce
on square sausage.

(CHRISTINE EXCLAIMS)

Brown sauce on a sausage?

- Aye.
- Oh, no.

Tomato sauce on a sausage.

Brown sauce on an egg.

Brown sauce on an egg?

No, that's not right.

How is it no?
Eric, what do you take on a sausage?

- Nothing.
- Eh?

I don't take anything.

Well, that's all right,
if it's quality meat, but if it's...

Sophie, what have you got in your roll?

Sausage.

Want a wee bit of brown sauce?

- No, thanks.
- COLIN: Are you sure?

Oh, don't question her.

It's her way or the highway.

Go on, take a wee bit.

It'll get that baby kicking.

In fact, it'll be jumping for joy
when it tastes it. (LAUGHS)

Here.

Eh? Oh.

- Got it.
- (DOOR OPENS)

- (DOOR CLOSES)
- Hi, Cathy.

This place f*cking stinks.

Who's having brown sauce?

Revolting.
That is like sh*t in a bottle.

- Come on in, Cathy.
- You get my text?

- Yes.
- You want a roll?

No! Just coffee.

Oh, my God. What time is it?
What are you all doing?

We're all wakened up
by that bloody car.

- What car?
- The car with the alarm going off.

- What alarm?
- Did you not hear it?

No!

Shh.

(CLOCK TICKING)

I can't hear it.

It's went off.

So it has. It's stopped!

(ALL CHEERING)

Oh, you dirty bastard.

Ah. You all right, Sophie?

- Yeah.
- Do you want anything else?

I've got a Swiss roll I can open?

I'm fine, Mrs Baird.

Is everything all right
with you and your mom?

Um, yeah. It's fine.

Listen, I wanted to ask you something.

I was wondering if you and Mr Baird
would consider being my godparents.

What?

Well, godparents to the baby.

Oh!

I've been thinking about
who I should ask and...

Well, I've known you my whole life.

And you always make me feel so welcome.

My mum wants me to ask Pat
over the back, but I would just rather

it wasn't someone
that was such a heavy smoker.

I would rather it was someone
that I've chosen.

Oh, Sophie.

We'd love to.

You don't have to if you don't want to.

Of course we want to.

You've not told your mum yet?

- No.
- Yeah, that's good.

(BOTH GIGGLING)

And then she thought about, "Jade".

Oh, nice name, Jade.

(GRUMBLES) No, I don't like it.

I picture quite an evil, wee lassie,
do you know what I mean?

Jade.

Jade!

You can just imagine her poking out
your eyes while you're asleep.

God Almighty.

I quite like "Janette".

Oh, you cannot call a baby, Janette.

- How no?
- Janette?

- What about "India"?
- As a name?

Yes. It's a nice name.

India.

India, in you come now.
In for your bath.

India, upstairs. Mummy's very cross.

- (SHOUTING) India!
- Aye. All right, Cath.

It's a nice name, India. It's unusual.

And what if it's twins?
What do we call the other one?

- Pakistan?
- (SCOFFS)

- What's going on?
- Oh, they're talking about names.

(GROANS) Don't start this again.

(UNDER BREATH) I swear to God.

I was just saying, Sophie,
"India" is a nice name.

India O'Neil. Seems like a film star.

What kind of film?

What were you thinking of, Sophie?

- Well, I quite like...
- Christine.

No, I don't want to talk about this.

Every time I say the ones
that I am thinking of

she just says
that she doesn't like them.

That's not true.

Sophie, which names do you like, hmm?

Well, the names that I like are

for a girl, Dakota.

Oh!

And if it's a boy, Brandon.

(CHRISTINE AND CATHY TOGETHER) No.

It's very difficult. We had a terrible
time trying to decide what to call Ian.

- ERIC: Mmm.
- Oh, I can imagine.

You just get fed up and go for anything
in the end, wouldn't ya?

Do you know, I quite like Ian?

Christine, Janette for a girl
and Ian for a boy.

- Mmm-hmm.
- Are you joking?

- How'd you mean?
- Ian and Janette?

That's the bloody Krankies.

Oh! So it is.

(ALL LAUGHING)

I never thought...
Oh, I cannae stand them.

Them and Mr Blobby.
Remember Mr Blobby, Beth?

- What?
- That wasnae entertainment.

That was just somebody going about
pissing people off.

Well, I'm sure we'll settle
on something.

Ah, right. Everybody finished?

COLIN: What time is it?

Time we called it a night.
Yeah, I reckon.

CATHY: Beth?

Bitsy, bitsy, pretty please,
could I have

a tiny, wee bit more coffee, please.

Oh, God, Cathy.

To be fair, I could go another
tea actually.

You need something to wash down
your roll, don't ya?

Anybody else?

You got any Irn-Bru, Beth?

(BOTH YAWN)

God, don't start. It's contagious.

- What is?
- COLIN: Yawning.

You see someone yawn,
the next thing, you're at it yourself.

Look.

Oh, I can't get it.
Eric, do another one.

Christine, you watch.
See if it makes you do one too.

How do you just do that?
You have to wait.

- All right, we'll wait.
- (ERIC GROANS)

(CLEARS THROAT)

Oh...

(INHALES)

You got one coming?

Oh, I think so. Hang on.

- Hang on.
- (ERIC YAWNS)

When were you last at the dentist?

(STARTS YAWNING)

Right. Here you are.

(ALL GROAN)

- I nearly had it there.
- Beth, you spoiled Christine's yawn.

Can we get the telly on?

There's nothing on at this time.

It's just Roulette, old episodes
of Morse and deaf EastEnders

- I quite like that.
- Let's stick the news on.

(SIGHS)

You got Sky News, Eric?

That mob? Oh...

Somebody farts and before you know it,
they've got the chopper out,

and then Kay Burley's chapping on
folks doors asking how it smelt.

MAN: (ON TV)
...top Federal reserve official...

Col. Psst. Colin.

- This is boring.
- I know. I know.

Oh, God, it's so boring.

It's just stuff happening
and people talking about it.

Eric, put the subtitles on.

I like to see them make mistakes.

Put something else on.

- Eric!
- Well, what do you want?

Go up. Keep going up.

MAN: (ON TV)
...with this juicer...

Well, yes. Juicers for sale.

Eh, Christine, you want a juicer?

I've got juice in the fridge.

(CLICKS REMOTE)

- What is that?
- House of Commons.

(CLICKS REMOTE)

- House of Lords.
- House of Lords.

- Free-loading bastards.
- (CLICKS REMOTE)

- No.
- (CLICKS REMOTE)

- Nope.
- (CLICKS REMOTE)

- Keep going.
- (CLICKS REMOTE)

(TV CHANNELS CHANGING)

Well, wait a wee minute.

- What's that there? Go back!
- (CLICKS REMOTE)

- No, back another one.
- (CLICKS REMOTE)

WOMAN: (ON TV)
Call me now.

- What's going on here?
- I'm ready and waiting.

Well that's (HESITATES)
That's a phone-in thing, I think.

- Or text.
- - - - - ...

- Mmm-hmm.
- .

- Just a bit of fun.
- (CHUCKLES)

(GIGGLES)

Get that off, Eric.

MAN: (ON TV) Putting horticulture
back into education.

- Nope.
- (CLICKS REMOTE)

- No!
- (CLICKS REMOTE)

- No.
- (CLICKS REMOTE)

What's that?

It's Gaelic. It's the news in Gaelic.

Lost sheep and cancelled ferries.
Big deal.

(MUSIC PLAYING FROM TV)

What's that?

- That's the radio channels now.
- Turn it up a bit, will you, Eric?

I know that. What is it?

It's the music for
the shipping forecast.

Oh...

(CHRISTINE HUMMING ALONG)

(HUMMING CONTINUES)

MAN: (ON TV) So now the shipping
forecast issued by the Met office

on behalf of the Maritime
and Coast Guard Agency.

Southwest Forties, Cromarty, Forth.

Westerly or North-Westerly four or five,
becoming variable three or four.

Showers, good.

Well, showers are bad.

He just said showers are good.
Showers are bad.

MAN: (ON TV) Showers, good.

- South Biscay...
- Biscay?

Where is Biscay?

Shush!

Put something else on.

I've been through all the channels.

Just leave this on, it's quite nice.

South westerly, five to seven,
but three or four at first...

Come on, son.

Five to seven. Maybe a four. (LAUGHS)

He'd be no use
at the bingo him, would he?

- I mean, who listens to this?
- It's for boats.

- Who's out on a boat at this time?
- Fishermen, Cathy.

Drug smugglers.

Folks sneaking about in canoes.

- Maybe some...
- Aye, all right.

Can we just hear it?

- Rain. Fog patches...
- CHRISTINE: Hmm.

Fog patches.

(LAUGHS)

I used to listen to this when
I was up during the night with her.

Mmm.

Used to put her down
about : after a feed.

And I'd grab a couple hours, myself.

Round about this time,

I would hear her starting to squawk,
and I would think "Oh,

"she's ready for another load."

So I'd get you up, onto my knee.

Pull my nightie down at the front.

And you'd latch right on.

Away you'd go.

Suck.

Suck. Suck.

Gulping away.

Oh, aye. Quite happy.

(GROANS)

- (GROANS)
- What is it?

- Felt something.
- Oh! Is it kicking?

(TV CLICKS OFF)

Oh, my God. There it goes again.

Ooh. Hello!

Do you want a feel, Cath?

Hiya.

BETH: Christine?

Oh.

Oh! There it goes.

That's your grandchild
in there, Christine.

(GIGGLES)

Speak to it.

- Eh?
- Speak to it.

And say what?

Anything. You're its granny.

Oh, aye. Erm...

Hello in there.

I don't know what to say.

Just say whatever's in your heart.

Did you enjoy your roll?

I enjoyed mine.

I had tomato sauce with it, not brown.

The bacon was a wee bit fatty,
but hey, ho.

The roll itself was lovely.

So...

I'm looking forward to seeing ya.

I really am.

- Think it's stopped kicking now.
- CHRISTINE: Mmm.

You've sent it back to sleep, Christine.

Your hair's needing washed.

Well, I don't know about anybody else

- but I am knackered.
- Aye.

Beth, could I have a little bit more

- coffee, please?
- No.

I don't think I'm going to be bothered
with any breakfast, you know?

Maybe have some cornflakes about : .

Mind you, that's quite close
to lunch time, isn't it?

Don't know what I'm going to have
for my lunch.

How many rolls did he...

Come back round about : and I'll
make you one for your lunch, Christine.

- Thanks, Mrs Baird.
- No bother, pet.

- Bye.
- Bye.

- Night, squire.
- ERIC: Good night.

- We should do this again, Eric.
- Yeah.

Come on. Leave it.
You can get it in the morning.

Oh, I don't want to go to bed, Col.

- Come on, Cathy.
- Oh please, Col. Please, please, please.

Come on Cathy, let's get to bed.

Can we go to McDonald's?
Let's go to McDonald's!

No.

(CATHY SIGHS)

Col!

Christ.

You never know what's going to happen
next round here.

(BOTH SIGHING)

Sophie asked me
if we'd be godparents to the baby.

- She did not.
- She did.

- What did you say?
- Well, I said yes!

Oh, dear God.

Oh, well.

- Quite nice really, isn't it?
- I think so.

I wonder if it's going to be
a boy or a girl.

- Heh.
- I hope it's a girl.

What was the name she had
for a girl again?

- Dakota.
- Oh, aye. That's right.

North or South? (LAUGHING)

- Night.
- Night.

(GROANS)

(CAR ALARM BEEPING)

(EXHALES)

(SHOUTING) Colin!

Oh, Colin. I've done something.

sh*t. sh*t.