09x11 - Single Spaced

[bunniefuu]

Hey!

Oh.

Hello.

What the hell
is that?!

Warden moved out,

Finally got my scooter.

Good for you, doug.

On your own a week

And you've already given up
cleaning and walking.

So you finally decided
to come home.

No. I just came
to get some stuff.

And by the way,
my home is in manhattan now.

And you're welcome
to join me.

Well, you know
what you might want to do?

You might want
to open a window

And check
the temperature,

Because it's going
to be a cold day in hell

Before that happens.

Trust me, I'm all
for opening up a window.

Ooooooh.

I get it!

You're gone. I'm all
by myself and I "smell."

Ok, where are you going?

To get the china.

Oh, no.
No, no, no, no, no.

My house, my china.

What do you
need the china for?

You having a dinner party?

I'll have
a dinner party.

I'll have a dinner
party right now!

You didn't even
know we had china

Until I said something.

I know we have china.

Ok. I love our china!

Oh, you love our china?

Well, what's the pattern?

Um... Gay!

Yeah.

Just stop!
You're being an idiot.

No!

You know what?

I'll just get
some new china.

Oh, yeah?
Well, good luck!

Because I already
maxed out the credit cards

Reto-fitting the suv
for this baby!

Yeah!

That's funny. Yeah.

What the hell?
Holy...

You've been robbed!

Whoa, whoa.
Wait, wait.

What if-what if they're
still in the house?

I mean...
I can't die tonight.

I'm wearing
very girlish underwear.

Hi, baby. Just to let you know,

I stopped by
and grabbed a few things.

But don't worry,
I left the china.

Enjoy your dinner party.

This is all your fault!

You know, for making
us bowl extra frames!

We could've stopped her!

It's the only sport
I'm good at!

You had them
put up the bumpers!

I hardly used them.

You know what? Why don't
we just go to cooper's

And watch
the hockey game there?

We do that
and she wins!

Well, she is good.

Hey!

Fine! You know what?

I don't need you guys!

I don't need her!

I don't need anybody!

I was going to
make you panini, too!

You know what?
More panini for me!

Afanasenkov takes
the puck in the corner.

Centers it
to ponikarovsky.

Ponikarovsky passes
it back to afanasenkov.

And a whistle...

High-sticking.

Hello.

Dougie!

Oh! Hey, mom.
What's up?

Thank god you answered!

I've been trying
to reach you for days.

I wanted to tell
you and carrie

That we're flying in.

I had a companion ticket
that was about to expire.

Anyway, we just landed.

What?!

We should be there in
shakes of a lamb's tail.

Mom! Dad! Hey!

Come have some
cheese and crackers.

Where the hell's
all your furniture?

Oh, uh...

W- we're having
it refurbished.

All of it?

Yeah, you know. It's taking
a long time, though, because...

I've got to be honest,

I don't even know how they
furbish it in the first place.

Where's carrie?

Oh, carrie.
Um...

Bridge.

She plays bridge?

No, she's
on the bridge.

Queensboro,
she's cleaning it.

It's a community service
thing. It's court ordered.

What's going
on here, doug?

Here's the thing,
uh...

Carrie, uh...

She's just got a little
apartment in the city,

And, uh... I'm kind of staying
here by myself right now.

It's all good!

You're separated?
Oh, my god.

No, no, no.
We're not separated.

We're just kind of shaking
things up a little bit.

You know... Separately!

I need water.

Hey, you were right.

This seafoam green
really pops!

I told you!

Listen, I want
to thank you

For keeping doug
at the bowling alley.

I never could have gotten
the furniture without you.

Hey, it was not easy.

I had to tell him that
I needed the bumpers.

I don't!

Listen, uh, I know you
and doug are friends and-

Yeah.

You guys are all about
"bros before hos," but...

This ho really
appreciates it.

Thanks.

The cotton is soft.

Ok, well...

Cans of comet later,
the kitchen is presentable.

I'm going to go
upstairs and see

If the oven cleaner took
care of that toilet situation.

It's open!

Hey!

Look who's here!

Hi.
Hi!

Dougie! You remember your
second cousin virginia?

Oh, yeah.

We played mouse trap

At uncle freddy's funeral.

Oh, yeah, yeah.
Sure.

Anyway, I'll
put on some coffee,

While you kids catch up.

Well, the toilet's
bubbling.

I think that's
a good sign.

Aren't you howard
and judy's daughter?

I put bailey's
in the coffee!

Get this party started, as the kids say.

Joe, could I talk
to you in the kitchen?

What the "h" "e"
double hockey sticks

Are you doing?

Oh, open your eyes!

Their marriage is over.

We don't find him somebody,

He's going to move
back in with us.

So you set him up
with his cousin?!

What do you want?
A headed grandchild?

They can adopt!

Like that madonna-

Will you stop it!

Look, carrie and I
are going to deal

With our own problems
by ourselves, ok?

You're darn tootin'
you will.

You know what
you're going to do?

You and carrie are going
to go talk to father biskup.

He'll straighten
you out.

Mom, i-i'm-

Don't you mom me!

You are going, mister.

Hey! Thanks for
painting the bedroom.

And that mural
in the bathroom

Is amazing.

Oh, you-you like it?

I love it! You made me
look really busty.

Well, um... I'm going to go
out and pick up some more paint

And... Maybe something for
the top of your curio shelf.

What curio shelf?

The one I bought you
at the great indoors.

Aww, you're the best.

You're not taking
the furniture back!

Don't want it.

Just open the door.

I just want
to talk to you.

Wipe your wheels.

They're clean.

So, this is it, huh?

Yep. This is the place
you promised you'd live.

Why is there a picture of
joan collins on your wall?

Ok.

If you're not here
to tell me you're moving in,

I got things I gotta do.

Ok, here's the deal.

My mom found out about us
bein'... Whatever we are.

All right, and she says she's not
going to go back down to florida

Unless we go see
father biskup.

And this is my problem
because...

Because she's right
downstairs in the car.

What?!

Crap!

And as soon as I
press this button,

Her giant, old lady cell
phone is going to ring,

And as soon as she figures
out how to answer it,

She's going
to be up here, carrie.

So, you
gotta ask yourself.

What's it gonna be?

All right!
We'll see father biskup.

Good.

But just to be clear,

It's only to get your
mother off our backs, right?

We're just going
through the motions.

Deal.
Deal.

Oh...

And I'm taking back
the panini grill.

No, you are not
taking back the-

Eeeeeee.
Fine! Fine!

Where the hell
were you?

I waited outside the
podiatrist's office for hours.

Sorry, I got
caught up.

What the hell is that?

It's a little, uh,
somethin' somethin'

For a pretty special lady. Who?

I can't say,
it's complicated.

God, you're annoying.

What's your problem?

I've had a rough
afternoon, all right?

You know, I sat with you,
when you had your corn shaved.

Look, things are moving pretty
fast between me and ms. X.

And we may be taking our
relationship to the next level.

What do you mean?

I may be moving out.

I'm sorry I couldn't
give you anymore notice.

Don't be sorry. Roommates
are a dime a dozen.

But know this,

You walk out that door,
you're dead to me.

I'm like an assassin.

I never look back.

Well, it was, uh,
good being your roommate.

And uh, you know
i- I gotta...

A lot of stuff to do. So
I'll, uh... See you later.

Yeah, whatever.
Take it easy.

Doug, carrie, welcome.

Now, I understand,
from doug's mother

That you two have hit a little
rough patch in your relationship.

Well, in my experience,

No matter how difficult
things may seem at the moment,

There's usually an answer.

Sometimes, where you
least expect it.

Well, you've been very helpful. Yeah.

Thank you so much.

Wait, wait, wait.

Doug, carrie,
I'm not quite done.

Now, carrie,
I understand your father

Has moved out
to get married.

Yeah.

Well, sometimes
the departure

Of a family member
from the household

Creates a void
in your life.

That's a lot
to chew on.

Yeah.

Void where prohibited.
Ok, thank you very much.

You know,
I moved back a baptism

To make time
for you two today.

I thought you were here
for spiritual guidance.

Well, the truth is,
father, um...

We were going for more

Of the appearance
of spiritual guidance.

Pardon me?

Uh, the thing is,
father, uh...

We're going to take care
of our problem by ourselves,

But uh, we came to you
because, uh...

Well, we'd like you
to get my mom off our backs.

Oh, how wonderful.

And what can I do to help
you deceive your mother?

Oh! I mean, she's
in the car right now.

So, uh, maybe you
could, uh,

I don't know,
I'm just spitballin' here,

Uh, walk us out with your arms
around us? Or something like that.

Yes! Yes!

With a look on your face

Like "I did the best I can
do." You know what I mean?

Yeah, that would be great.

I don't want to do
your job for you.

All right. If we're going to do this,

Let's get it over with.

All right!
Thank you, father!

You're a lifesaver.
Absolutely.

Hey, don't be surprised if
there's a little something extra

In your, uh,
collection plate on sunday.

You know what I'm saying?

I'll see you on sunday though.

Sorry to keep
you waiting.

Just be another minute.

Oh, that's ok, father.

Oh! Hi, suzy!
Hey, carrie!

I work with her.
How are you?

Good! Look at you, you lost
the baby weight already.

I know,
and here it is!

Aw, let me see.
What's his name?

He's cute.
Aww!

You know,
I just remembered,

Uh, russ, suzanna?

I need you inside to sign
a few more baptism papers.

Right now? I was
about to feed the baby.

Oh, I'm sure carrie
would be happy to do it.

You don't mind,
do you?

We'll be right
in here if you need us.

Sure, go ahead!

All right.
Thank you.

Yeah, no problem.

Uh, father b, he's a...
He's a good egg, isn't he?

Yeah, he just likes to hear
himself talk though, right?

I know. What was with
that whole void thing?

I know.
Like what void?

What? You d
- you don't think the baby's our void.

Do you, doug?

I mean, we've
been down this road.

I
- i... We tried to get pregnant. We can't.

Yeah, but, you know,
we could adopt.

My father said that

When he tried to set me
up with my second cousin.

Look, I never stopped
wanting to have a baby, ok?

What about you?

Are you kidding me?
I'll take this one!

He's already wrapped and fed.
Let's get out of here.

What are
we talking about?

We can't adopt. We're not
even living in the same place.

But we could be.

Oh, and I guess
you're thinking

That I'm the one who
should give in, right?

I'm just saying, look,
you know, I mean a baby...

Should have a yard where
there's fresh air, and you know.

Uh, it can't get fresh
air on a fire escape?

Fine.

I'll give up
the apartment.

But you know,
if we adopt a baby,

I'm going to have to
quit my job for a while.

You know what
that means, right?

Um, yeah, you're
going to be around a lot.

No, it means you're
going to have to get a job

That pays a lot more.
Oh, come on carrie.

We're not going to go into
this stupid sales thing again.

Doug, your uncle said you could
make double what you're making now.

It's just that
I've been at i.p.s...

Longer than anybody
without a promotion.

I mean, I'm right
where I want to be.

Look, I know it's scary.

But we're both taking
a leap of faith here.

So let me just
get this straight.

You're going to
get rid of the apartment,

I'm going to get a new job,

And we're both
going to get a baby.

That's the deal
that's on the table.

I'm in.

Me too.

Ok, um...
I'm not pointing fingers,

But someone
peed on my hand.

Hey, babe.

Hey.

Where's the scooter?

Totaled it.

By the way,
our mailman's suing us.

So, all
the paperwork in?

Yep, once they
give us the green light,

We hop on a plane to china, and
hours later, we're parents.

Hey, I won't even have
to gain the pounds.

Yeah, I can't
make that promise.

So, how you, uh, doing
giving up this place, huh?

I'm fine.

You know, we're both
making sacrifices.

Yeah. Oh, hey.

You want me to drop
these off with the super?

Ah, no.
I'll do it tonight.

Ok.

Hey, since this is your
last night in manhattan,

You want to, uh...

Enjoy a new york minute?

Uh, sure.

Should we roll out
the bubble wrap?

I don't think so.

Once I get going, it's going
to sound like a g*n fight.

Hey, mike. Good job
on the raymond-jack account.

Thanks.

Yeah!

Hey, doug! So how's
your first week going?

Great so far.

I mean, everyone's
been really nice,

And gary invited me
to lunch at chili's.

Oh, yeah?
Stay away from gary.

He'll pretend
to be your friend

And then bad-mouth
you to everyone.

Actually, I was pretty
psyched about going to chili's.

Hey, it's your funeral.

Personally,
I'd fire the douche.

But he's my top salesman.

So, uh, anyway,
how you doin' doug?

You sell any
office furniture today?

Well, yeah, i-i
might have a few leads.

A c.p.a. In paramus
might want to buy a chair.

Ok, I don't want to hear
about "a guy" and "a chair,"

I want to hear about a
floor, a division, a company!

This is a commission
business, doug.

You wanna make money?
Huh? Gary money?

You get out there,
and you sell chairs!

Capeesh?

Yes. Yes, sir.

Dinelli office furnishings, first
in lumbar support. Doug heffernan.

Have you checked

Your apartment in manhattan?

Who-who is this?

Just check your apartment.

Ok, we got rid
of our apart-

Who-who-who
the hell is this?

Dear god,
what have I done?