05x26 - Opie's Newspaper

[bunniefuu]

Starring Andy Griffith...

With Ronny Howard...

Also starring Don knotts.

Hi, pa.
Want a newspaper?

Thanks, I got one.

I mean, this one.

Howie and I put one out

on the print machine
he got for his birthday.

Your own newssheet, huh?
Has it got any hot scoops?

Sure, there's the score
of our baseball game

and all about Karen folker

falling down
on the elm street playground.

No kiddin'?

You want one, pa?

Oh, you better know I do.

The way things are today

a man's got to keep himself up

on hot spots all over the world.

Pretty neat.
How much?

Three cents.

Think Barney'll want one, too?

Ask him when he gets back
from the barbershop.

Got change for a quarter?

No.

Oh.

Business a little slow, huh?

Everybody in the class
promised to buy one.

For them, it'll be
a penny apiece.

That's the student rate.

Mm-hmm, not much happenin'
outside the class.

That's where you could call it
a little slow.

How many did you sell?

Well, if Barney buys one,
that'll make two.

You could call that a little
slow, couldn't you?

Maybe people in Mr. Foley's
market'll take some.

Then I'll have
change for you, pa.

Okay, bye.

Bye.

Hi, Andy.

Hi, Barney.

I'm sorry I was so long.

Fred Henry come
in the barbershop

and got to gabbin' with Floyd

and you know how Floyd is.

Just impossible for him
to move his scissors

and his jawbone
at the same time.

Took forever to get my trim.

What did Fred Henry have to say?

Well, I don't know.

He went on and on

about the widow Saunders
or something.

Tell you the truth,
I was reading the geographic

and I didn't pay a whole
lot of attention to him.

Got better things
to do with my time

than listen to the
two of them chit-chat,

I'll tell you that.

Yeah.

What's happening with
the widow Saunders?

It seems she's been steppin' out

with that dish towel salesman
that comes through from Raleigh.

Thursday night they were out
at the half moon roadhouse

both sittin'
on the same side of the booth

eatin' a New York cut steak.

No, kiddin'.
New York cut, huh?

Yeah.

'Course I turned a deaf ear
to the whole thing.

I get that geographic
in my hands

I just don't hear anything.

Hmm.

Say it was a salesman, huh?

Yeah, a big fella,
'bout six foot,

drives a fast-back,
wire-wheeled coupe.

He didn't get her in till
: in the morning.

No kiddin'.

I think he's got his eye

on that insurance money.

Fred says it come to $ , .

$ , !

Yeah, 'course she don't
have all of it left.

Mm-hmm.

She spent $ on new slipcovers

for the living room furniture.

Here's wilbur,
barely cold in the ground

and her and her
boyfriend sittin' up

till all hours of the night

on slipcovers he's paying for.

I told Floyd that hanky-panky
didn't surprise me none.

She's the type, you know.

Dark-haired woman.

No semper fideli for her.

You remember that talk
about their hired man

about four years back?

Mm-hmm.

You know the way I heard...

What was the article about?

Huh?

In the geographic?

Africa.

Hmm.

It was about Africa.

Well, it's better
to go ahead and read

than it is to waste your time

listening to gossip.

Oh, yeah, other people's affairs

are their own private
business, not mine.

I want no part of it.

Well, did you ever!

Such goings-on, such goings-on.

Huh what is it?

Something in the paper?

I never would have believed it.

I certainly
wouldn't have believed it

of her and not with him!

Let me see it, let me hear...
What's the story?

You ready?
Just listen to this.

"Karen folker scraped her knee"

at the elm street playground

chasing Bruce newdell

and it took two bandages.

Troy bowden forgot to bring

his lunch to school yesterday

"but Tommy grief
give him his pear."

What are you talkin' about?

Let me see, what does it say?

Right there in the Mayberry sun.

Looky there, Howie pruitt
and Opie Taylor, editors.

Aw!

Kids puttin' out
their own paper.

That's something, isn't it?

Yeah.

"Myra lambert got a part
in the school play,

and she will be a raindrop."

That's cute.

That really is.
It's darn cute.

Their own paper.

Did it all themselves, too.

Yeah.
You know what it is?

Cute.
It's darn cute.

Not very commercial,
I'm afraid, though.

No?
No.

Opie's hoping
that you'll buy one.

Well, sure, I will,
if it'll help out.

It'll double the circulation.

Oh, hi, Barney.

Say, I'm selling
these newspapers...

Yeah, I'll be glad to take one.

Got change for a quarter? No.

Aw, nothin' happenin'
in the market, either, huh?

If they're not movin'
there must be a reason why.

Maybe you're not getting
the right kind of copy.

Copy, that's newspaper
talk for stories.

You know about
newspapers, Barney?

You kiddin'?

In central high,
I had my own sports column.

"Pickups and splashes from
floor and pool" by Barney Fife.

Yeah?

Yeah, they used to call me
"scoop" Fife.

Always had printer's ink
in my veins.

Guess I always had
a nose for news.

I don't know.

If something's gonna happen,
I'd just seem to smell it out.

And I'd be right there.

No foolin'.

Yeah, always had
a nose for news.

That's right, ope.

Actually,
Barney's nose came first,

and then he kind of
grew around it.

Sorry.

Actually,
I can spot your trouble right off.

You want to increase
your circulation, right?

What's circulation?

Circulation is how many people
take your paper.

To increase your circulation...

To increase your circulation

you got to widen your scope.

You got to belt your readers

with every human interest story

about every John Doe
from here to timbuktu.

Just cover Mayberry, Opie.

Just write about
all of Mayberry.

And the way you do that...

The way you do that...

The way you do that...

Is you get stories that'll
interest more people.

That way you'll sell
more papers, see?

Yeah, you take
your Mayberry gazette.

Now they got stories in here

about people from
all walks of life.

What Barney's trying to say is

if you want to sell more papers
you got to write about

the who school
and the whole town.

You see, Karen folker,

now, she may be hot copy
for the fifth grade

but uptown, she
don't mean a thing.

Do you think we ought to

make ours like the big paper?

You want to sell papers

you got to do it like
they do in the big time.

The main thing...

The main thing, ope...

Is try not to get discouraged.

Just stick in there and
do the very best you can.

Okay, we'll try.

Thanks, pa.
Thanks, Barney.

Well, well...

I don't remember you had a
column in the school paper.

Sure.

"Pickups and splashes from floor
and pool" by Barney Fife.

Well, it wasn't
in the entire year.

Hmm, how many times was it in?

Well, actually...

Just that once.

It was ahead of its time.
It was too controversial.

Is that what they said, ope?

We should make our paper
like the big one?

Yup, we got to widen our scope.

But we can't put out
a whole big paper.

Just printing a little one

we ran out of d's and e's.

We got to make ours
like part of the paper.

The best part.

Washington roundup.

International dateline.

Social security in action.

My folks never read those.

Here's what they like to read.

Mayberry after midnight.

Aunt bee reads that, too.

The first thing.

"A little bird tells us
that all the noise

"coming from the e.W.S
every night

isn't from prizefights
on the radio."

"What local lady
is drying her tears

on embroidered dish towels?"

That's what we got to do, Howie.

Somehow, we got to find out

a whole lot of stuff
like that to print.

Oh, no, Clara.

You didn't miss a thing.

It was a very ordinary luncheon.

The way that Mrs. Foster
brags on her food.

And when we sat down to luncheon

the chicken a la king tasted
like wallpaper paste.

And you know that
silver service?

It's plate.
Mm-hmm.

I peeled back a piece
off the spoon.

As for the dessert...

Gentlemen.

Hello, preacher.

Nice day, isn't it?

Uh-huh.

He's a fine man, you know that?

Town's lucky to have him.

But those sermons
of his do go on.

Well, he's got a lot
that needs to be said.

Of course, now I will admit

sometimes he can be dry as dust.

You said it exactly, Andy.

"Dry as dust."

Mm-hmm.

Remind Andy to pick up
the dry cleaning

on his way home,
would you, Barney?

Yeah, I will.

Oh, aunt bee.

Don't look now, here
comes Harold grigsby

and that new wife of his.

Yeah.

Just imagine.

He's old enough
to be her father.

May and December.

It's a good deal
for her, though.

Harold owns half that saw mill.

It's easy to see what
may sees in December.

Santa claus.

They say he's terribly jealous

if anybody looks at her.

Mm-hmm, he's got
good reason to be.

A nifty blonde like that.

Blonde, right out of a bottle.

Genuine blonde,
right out of a bottle.

Nice day, you know that?

It seems a little warm to me.

Well, the weather's been
changing so much lately.

It must be the b*mb.

Well...

Hi, pa.

Hi, ope.
Whatcha got there?

Another paper?

Howie and I are delivering.

We'll take a couple
off your hands.

Still three cents or has the
wage

these are free, pa.

We're giving them away
as samples.

Next time everybody
will buy them.

Oh, well, in a case like that

we'll definitely take two.

Sure, sure, price is right.

Here's one for you,
too, aunt bee.

Oh, thank you.

You sure these are
not your last ones?

I can get more
out of Howie's garage.

Well, bye.

Okay, bye.

Bye, Opie.

See ya, Opie.

You got to give the boys credit.

They really stuck to it.

Awful lot better than
a lot of boys

that hang around
trying to get into trouble.

They deserve a lot of credit.

Stick-too-it-iveness,
that's what counts.

That's right.

Well, I guess I better

go check parking.

Well, I reckon.

Although, on a day like this
it sure is a temptation...

Huh?!

What is it?

"Barney Fife says sue grigsby

is a blonde from a bottle!"

What?

"Mrs. Foster's chicken
a la king, wallpaper paste."

Good heavens!

"Sheriff Taylor says
the preacher is dry as dust."

What are we going to do!

Now, why would he put things
like this in the paper?

Guess he's out
to widen his scope.

We better go get them young'uns

and get these papers back

or this town will be
too hot to handle.

Come on!

Opie, exactly where
did you deliver these papers?

Just on Willow Avenue,
elm and maple.

Just on Willow, elm and maple.

What's going on?
Anything I can put in the paper?

No! You've put in
enough already!

I just don't understand how...

There's not time for that now.

Now, you get Howie

and don't let another one of
those papers out of your hand.

We've got to get
these things back.

If just one of these gets out...

Whatever gave him
the idea to do this?

Well, we'd better hurry!

You take Willow Avenue,
you take elm,

and I'll take maple.

Elm?

Bee!

How are you?

Oh!
Something for me?

No. No, not exactly

I-I was just passing by,
and, uh...

Oh, the chicken,
the chicken a la king...

It was so delicious

would you give me your recipe?

Oh, really!
You liked it that much?

Oh, I've never tasted
anything like it.

There's been talk about
it ever since.

Well, I'd be glad to.

Say, I've got a better idea.

I've got a whole casserole left.

You know, the girls
are watching their weight

and none of them wanted seconds.

Why don't you and Andy
come by for supper

tomorrow night?

Oh, that's awfully
sweet of you, but...

I insist.

Well, uh, all right.

Tomorrow night then,

chicken a la king treat.

Ta-ta!

Ta-ta!

Aah!

Hello, Barney.

What are you doing here, deputy?

Well, just, uh-uh...

You come to see somebody?

Thought I wasn't home?

Oh, oh, no!

Now, Harold, it's
nothing like that.

Who you trying to fool?
I got eyes!

Let me tell you something.

You so much as look
sideways at my wife

you'll wish you hadn't.

It was nothing like that.

What are do you doing here?!

Well, uh, uh, the thing is...

You better, I...

You get out of here!

You better get out!

Uh, preacher?

Oh. Hello, Andy.

Uh...

Now...what can
I do for you?

Uh, was, uh...

Was my boy, was Opie
over here earlier?

Yes, he was.

I'm glad you're here, Andy.

It'll save me a trip
comin' to see you.

I'm very sorry about this,
preacher.

I wanted to ask you to teach
in our sunday school again.

Is that what
you wanted to ask me?

I know you had a class
for three years

and you still fill in.

There's no question that
you've done your share,

but it would help out.

Well, listen, could we talk
about it some other time?

I'm kind of in a run.

Oh, of course!

But I'm convinced
you're the right man

because your lessons
certainly would never be

as, uh, "dry as dust."

Uh...

Is this what you're looking for?

Now, about that
sunday school job...?

I'm...I'm deeply sorry
about this, preacher.

Well, let's just say
that the press misquoted you

and let it be forgotten.

Because, you see, I feel that
I really came out ahead on this.

Just for this

I got you hog-tied
for a whole month of sundays.

, , , .

You boys remember

how many of these
you passed around?

Not exactly,

but it was a stack
about that big.

We didn't mean to do
anything wrong, pa.

Opie, you don't put stories
like that in the paper.

But, pa, that's what's
in the big paper.

Well, I know, but that's...

Well, that's different.

We didn't make any of it up.

It was all the things
people really said.

Well, just because
somebody said something

doesn't mean
it has to be printed.

You don't circulate stories

that are mean
and unkind about people.

There are too many other stories
to put in... nice stories.

When we put in the
nice kind of stories

nobody wanted to buy the paper.

Let me put it another way.

You are not to do it.

Now, we'll have
no more discussion.

You can go back to
your little class paper

or go out of business
or whatever you want to do

but positively no more of this.

Is that clear?
Did you get 'em all?

I got all I could find.

Well...

We'll just have to wait now.

If the front room
don't fill up with lawyers

I guess we got away with it.

Well...

There it is.
: and no phone calls.

I guess we got away with it.

Yeah, maybe we're
gonna be all right.

Yeah.

I think we got off scot-free.

I got that extra duty
in sunday school.

And don't forget
we have a whole dinner

of Mrs. Foster's
chicken a la king.

Oh, I dread it.

I almost got a load of buckshot
from Harold grigsby.

Yeah.

But at least it's over.

Maybe the boys learned a lesson
out of this.

Well, maybe all of us could
learn something from this.

What?

What do you mean, all of us?

Well, we're responsible

for all this loose talk
going around town.

If we want the boys
to behave better,

we'd better set them
a better example.

Yes, Opie?

Just wanted to say
good night to everybody.

Good night, Opie.

I'm awful sorry
about things, pa.

Well...looks like
everything's

going to work out all right.

Guess it was kind of
dumb of us to print up

two whole pages of that stuff.

Well, I sure wish...
Two pages?!

We went ahead and printed up

next week's paper 'cause we had
so much more stuff.

There's another one?

We didn't get it out.

We bundled it
and threw it in the trash.

I even saw the truck
come pick it up,

so nobody'll ever
get to read it.

Oh...well...

Thank heavens for that, huh?

Well, come on, off to bed.

Good night, everybody.

Good night.

Hmm!

Imagine they had a whole
'nother page of that stuff?

Yeah.

Good thing nobody
gets to read it.

Boy, you're not kidding.
No telling what kind of gossip

those boys might have
picked up around town.

Well, I guess I better...
I better go.

I got the duty.

I'll, uh, see you
in the morning, Barn.

Good night, aunt bee.

Good night, Andy.

Well, good night.

Well, all's well that ends well.

I guess I better be going, too.

I got to return
goober's car to him.

Good night, Barney.

Yeah, well, I'll, uh,
see you tomorrow, aunt bee.

Barney?

What, uh, what are
you doing here?

Oh, well, I just
got to worrying,

you know, that maybe
that other page

wasn't b*rned proper.

Oh.

So, I thought I'd come down
and make sure.

Wouldn't do for that to get out.

No tellin' what's in it.

Yeah, yeah.

Aunt bee!

It's just us, it's just us.

Sorry.

What, uh...What are
you doing here?

Well, I was just passing by.

Oh, you probably
wanted to be sure

that the papers were
properly destroyed.

That's it, exactly.

Mm-hmm.

Say, what are you
doing here, Andy?

Uh...the same as,
uh, both of you.

Well, did you find anything?

Well, not yet,
but they ought to be

right around here somewhere.

Everybody look.

Hey!

Huh?
Is that it?

Yeah, I think.
Let's see.

Yes, yes, that's it.

That's it.

Well...good.

We'll go ahead
and get rid of these.

Yes, sir,
and the quicker the better.

Yes.

Here it is, pa.

The new, revised edition
of the Mayberry sun.

Now, wait a minute.

Opie, don't tell me you went
and printed up another paper.

It's just a class paper
like you said we could do.

You sure?
Uh-huh.

There's nothing about grown-ups
at all, honest.

Well, I got to make deliveries.

Remember, you owe me cents.

For a minute there...

Yeah.

Let's see who forgot
their lunch box today.

"Cindy ames had a birthday party

and did not invite
her best friend, Diana."

"A little bird
tells us Sally Toms

"does not have
naturally curly hair.

Her mother rolls it up
in cardboard."

"Betty Parker lets Bobby Wilson
carry her books,

but does he know she writes
sugar notes to Hector stiles?"

Well, he told the truth.

He's not writin'
about grown-ups.

No, no, he's not.

Sure caught our style good,
though, didn't he?