07x16 - Black List

[bunniefuu]

I'll be right back.
Yeah.

So?

What?

Hello?

My highlights?

What do you think, huh?

What are you
hoping for here?

Hey, you did it.
They look great.

All right, boys,
say hello to a winner.

He won hoop tickets.

Hey. Can I tell
my own story, please?

Oh, man. These are great seats
too. How'd you get 'em?

I just happened to know
the phrase that pays:

"Buzz rocks my world. "
Heh-heh!

I mean, it doesn't,
but I wanted the tickets.

Their morning zoo
is hilarious.

Yesterday,
Spanky and The Worm

crank-called
this old couple,

and told them
their dog had d*ed.

Oh, classic The Worm.

Uh, thanks, man, but I'm already
going to the game with somebody.

What? With who?

This guy just moved into my
building. He asked me to go.

Tell this guy you just met
you're going with your friends.

I can't do that, man.
I said yes to him already.

Jeez, I don't wanna make things
awkward for you

when you borrow
a cup of sugar.

Come on, man, no reason to get
all weird about it.

I'm not getting weird.
I'm not weird at all.

This is probably the least weird
I've ever been.

I gotta say,
you're acting a little weird.

Hey, Barry Manilow,
shut up.

Yes, that's who you look like.
It's been driving me crazy.

Oh, hey, Hol.

Imagine running
into you, like-

How crazy is that?

Uh... well, we both live
two blocks from here,

so I wouldn't call Ripley's.
You know?

Yeah, yeah. So this is where
you get your nails done, huh?

Yeah. Where do you go?
Oh, I don't.

I'm a bit of a biter.
For the special occasion,

I learned a lesson there.
Never chop celery angry.

Nails are pretty gross, huh?

Yeah, listen, if you want,

I can get you in
with my girl Sue.

She could fix those right up,
and I gotta be honest,

it's a little rough
to look at.

That would be great. Thanks. Yeah.

No problem.
Oh, Connie, hi.

Uh, I just need a manicure,
a polish change on my toes,

and if Sue could fit my friend
Holly in, that'd be great.

Sorry, she can't
take you anymore.

What?

Not take you anymore.
You're not on list.

What list?

Excuse me.

Pretty Nails.

Uh, Sue?

Hi, Carrie.

Listen, I think Connie's been
sniffing

the polish remover.
Ha!

She said you can't take me
anymore

'cause I'm not
on some list?

Yes, I've been
cutting back on my hours

because I just found out
that I'm pregnant.

You're gonna have a baby?
That's great.

And I'm not
on the list because...

Oh, it's nothing personal.
It's just that

I have so many wonderful
clients,

and I had to choose just by
who's

been coming to me the longest.

Right.
Here's the thing, Sue.

Nobody does my nails
like you do.

So why don't
we just take the list,

a little Wite-Out,
do the thing,

and I've been coming here
for years?

Look, I promise
if anything opens up,

you'll be
the first one I call.

Okay, all right.
Well, thanks.

Oh, and you have
a very talented mama.

Sorry, Hol,
we're out of luck.

Hey, Sue can
take you anytime,

but don't tell that one.

Ooh, a lot of celebrities
here tonight.

Oh, Spike Lee.

Huh.

Likes
his cotton candy.

Do you mind if I sat there
so I can be with my friends?

You- You sold me
this seat. F- F- .

I know. I had four tickets,
I just gave you one randomly.

I didn't think it'd make
a difference. I'm F- .

Well, that's agreed upon.
It's just-

Maybe if I give you
my ticket,

you'll be F-
and I'll be F- .

I'm F- .
And backing off.

Oh, hey, there's Deac.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah. That must
be his friend James.

He's black.

Hey, hey,
let me take a look.

Hey, you're just
getting over pinkeye.

Yeah? Who do you think
gave it to me?

Who said you could
use my towel?

Would you guys
just shut up?

You're giving me
and F- a headache.

How's it going,
amigo?

Yeah.

You realize your face
is burnt off?

It's a chemical peel,
all right?

I realized if, uh, I'm gonna
have k*ller hair,

I might as well have a k*ller
face to go along with it.

Mission accomplished.

Anyway,
Deac left a message.

He's, uh, helping
his grandmother move today,

so he's not coming.

Really?
We just saw him-

Danny.

W- what's-?
What's going on?

Well,
he may have told you

he was helping
his "grandmother move,"

but we were driving
by the Cineplex earlier,

and we saw him
standing in line

with you-know-who.

I- I don't believe this.
He's been blowing us off

all week for this guy.

Don't get angry at him.

If you think about it,
it makes perfect sense.

What?

Well, this James guy
might

satisfy
certain, uh, needs

that we can't.

Like what?

His needs, his urges

to be around other people
who are...

black.

Look, I've been friends
with Deac for years.

He never said anything
about having black needs.

It's not something
you talk about.

I don't talk about my need
to be around other Albanians.

You're Albanian?

Yes, and I have a lot
of Albanian friends,

and that's nothing you need
to be threatened by, okay?

Which is Albanian for:

"You are my brother,
whatever your creed. "

Wow.
How do your people say,

shut mouth now?

Okay, I'm trying to help you
understand him.

I understand fine,
all right?

I'm Deacon's best friend,

and he doesn't
have any urges

that I can't take care of.

Yeah, I said it.

What's going on,
my brother?

Hey, Doug.

Did you happen to catch
that special last night

they had on, uh,
Malcolm X?

Nope.

Powerful stuff, man.

Powerful stuff.

Damn. I got three deliveries
in Jersey today.

They were comparing him
to Martin Luther King,

another great
civil rights leader.

Turns out
the two of them

had some pretty
different ideas.

So I've heard.

One was very non-violent,
that would be your Dr. King,

a great man

who gave us
a great day off.

What's going on?

I'm just talking
a little black history.

You don't even know
white history.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Is that only a topic you can
discuss

with your new friend
James?

What?
Yeah, yeah.

I know what
you did yesterday.

L- let me ask, did you really
help your grandmother move,

or did you and James
go to the movies?!

Actually, both.
He helped move my grandma,

and then we caught a movie.
What's the big deal?

W- why didn't you
ask me to help you?

I did ask you last week.

You said
it wasn't your "thang. "

Do you get black urges?
Do you-?

I gotta go to Jersey.

Most definitely.
Most definitely.

And tell me this,

why is there
a liquor store

on every corner
in our neighborhoods?

Oh, yes.
Yes, my brother.

That is how the white man
keeps us under his boot.

Oh, most definitely.
That's right.

Yeah, you know what
the white man

should be giving you?

Some reparations.

And then
the Lord said,

"Fish don't fry
in the kitchen. "

Say it loud.

He said, "Beans don't burn
on the grill. "

No, preacher, they don't.

It took a whole lot
of trying... Oh, yes.

just to get up
that hill.

Who let this man
in here?

Have mercy.

You don't
belong in here.

You don't
belong in here.

You don't
belong here.

Let it go, Doug.
You're white.

And that's cool,
man.

Oh, hey, Hol.

Hey, Carrie, I-
I didn't know you were home.

Yeah, well, I may never
leave the house again.

I was just dropping off
your dad's bill.

All right. I'll give you the
cash right now.

No, no, you can just mail me
a check.

I don't feel comfortable
carrying around all that cash.

It's $ , Hol.

Roll the dice.
Heh.

Just grab it out of my purse.
My nails are wet.

Oh, sure, yeah.
Thanks.

Um...

What are you doing?

Um, I'm trying not
to be so dependent

on my fingers.
Ha-ha!

Did you just
get a manicure?

Gosh, did I? Um...

Oh, let me see.
They look gorgeous.

Wow. Why are
your hands shaking?

I ran out of beer
this morning.

Oh, my God.
Did Sue do these?

I told her not to.

How'd you get in with her?

How'd you get on the list?

There is no list, Carrie.
What?

She just made that up so she
wouldn't have to do your nails.

Why?

Well, she- She says
you're too demanding.

Oh, yeah, okay.

I'm too demanding.
Right.

You think I'm
too demanding? Do you?

No?
Oh, yes, you do.

What else did she say?

Well, sh-she said often,
you know, that you're-

You're late,
and that you, um,

tend to
steal the magazines.

Oh, okay.

Like I need this week's issue
of Korean People.

Yeah. All right.

Maybe I'll just take
my money and go.

You know what?
I'll send you the check.

Okay.
Yeah.

I had a dream.

Okay, look, enough
with the black stuff, man.

No, no, really.

Look, James is coming by.

Just try and keep it together.

At first I was upset because you
were hanging out

with James all the time.
All right, listen,

I know I haven't been
around much,

but me and James
got a lot in common-

No, it's okay.
That's what I'm saying.

Look,
I get it now.

I've been acting
like an idiot, and...

I'm sorry.

All right.
Then we're cool.

Hey, Deac.
You ready?

Yeah. Oh, and by the way,
this is my friend Doug.

Uh, James Robinson.

Hey, good to meet you.
Good to meet you.

I'll be back in a couple
of seconds.

I gotta drop off
my route sheet.

All right.

S- so, how do you like delivering
for Sparkletts?

It's good. I can't complain.

I deliver to three different
pizza places,

and I like my cheese.

Uh-huh, uh-huh.

So, you, uh- You guys going out
to a jazz club tonight?

Jazz? Jazz blows.

Yeah, I'm more
into classic rock.

You know,
Aerosmith, Van Halen.

I'm kind of on
an Eddie Money kick right now.

I love Eddie Money.

Anyway, we're heading up
to Regan's.

They've got a wing eating
contest tonight.

Somebody broke
my record, so...

Gotta win my belt back.

I'm gonna hit the restroom.

I gotta change
into my eating clothes.

I have eating clothes.

Wh-what's going on?
What are you talking about?

James remind you
of anybody?

I don't know. Uh...

Kirby Puckett?

Let me give you a few
clues, okay?

He's a driver
who likes his cheese,

hates jazz, and is a former
wing eating champion.

You went out and got yourself
a black Doug.

What?

I had no problem
when you were out there

taking care
of your black needs,

but this guy isn't giving you
anything that I can't.

Oh, I see.
So if me and James

were out drinking Cristal
and break dancing,

you'd be okay with that.

Absolutely.

I am so sorry.

From now on, I'll
run my friends by you

to make sure they're black
enough.

Hey, I was just trying
to have a heart-to-heart.

You're the one
who made it ugly.

Fine. I'll go to the Foxy Brown
film festival by myself.

Please, we don't want
no trouble.

No, no. No trouble.

Hey, Sue.
Oh, hi, Carrie.

No cancellations yet,
but I'll call you.

Listen, you can cut the act.
I already talked to Holly.

Oh.
Yeah. The thing is,

I've been doing a lot
of thinking, and you're right.

I can be too demanding,
inconsiderate, and rude. Ha!

The bottom line is,

um, I can be somewhat
of a, um-

What's your people's
word for "bitch"?

Around here,
we say "Carrie. "

That's a good one.
Ouch.

Anyway, from now on,

I will just come in,
pick my color,

read my People
and keep my yap shut. Ha!

Oh, and here, I got you a bunch
of rattles and crap

for your
new bundle of joy.

Oh, how sweet.

Yeah. So I'm back in?
No.

What do you mean, "no"?
I just apologized.

I brought you a beautiful gift
for the baby.

Yeah, about me
being pregnant...

I-
You made up a baby?

You're very difficult.

Oh. Okay, Sue, you know what?
That's fine.

There are other nail salons
on this block alone,

salons that would be
happy to have me, okay?

So sayonara to you
and your fake baby and...

May?

Carrie Heffernan.

Hi.

Do you have someone available?
I just need a manicure.

Name?
Carrie Heffernan.

No. We can't take you.

What?
Can't take you.

Okay.

Hey, what-?
What are you doing here?

Signed up
for the contest.

What?

Pretty sure
it's open to anybody.

Uh, I didn't
see any signs that said:

"No white Dougs allowed. "

All right, gentlemen,
to your wings.

You'll have minutes to eat
as many wings as you can,

and per Competitive Eating
Association rules,

throw up,
you're thrown out.

On your mark...

get set...

eat!

Yeah. Come on.

Yeah!

Down goes Robinson.
It's over.

The winner,
Doug Heffernan.

Yeah!

Woo-ooh!

All right, why don't you, uh,
say goodbye to James,

and you and me
will get out of here?

What?
I won. I b*at him.

You're back with me now.

I'm not going with you.

What?

What, you think
I pick my friends

by who eats
the most chicken wings?

Heh!
That's silly. Heh-heh!

Look, I- I don't know how
you pick your friends,

but all I'm saying is I just ate
chicken wings for you.

Yeah, and I don't think you
would do that for me,

and I gotta tell you,
that hurts, you know?

Doug, come on.
I don't understand

why you're getting all crazy.

Because we're supposed
to be best friends.

We are.
That hasn't changed.

You just gotta learn
how to chill out a little.

I like your belt.

Actually,
it's a replica.

They keep the real one
in Cleveland.

So, you, uh...

going out with James
now, or...

'Cause I was thinking about
grabbing some dessert.

Dessert?

You just ate pounds
of chicken wings.

Yeah.

I need a little
something sweet.