08x06 - Shear t*rture

[bunniefuu]

And now, throwing out
the ceremonial first pitch,

Broadway star
Bernadette Peters!

Wow. Bernadette
brought the heat!

They should probably
test her for steroids.

That's nothing. You see
Reese Witherspoon last week?

She could be a yankee
right now.

- Hey, what's up?
- Where the hell you been?

I thought you were going to that new
place with the drive-through window.

Yeah, I did.
It was all backed up.

They made their window
too small.

They had to shimmy
the box out sideways.

Well, basically we have half
extra cheese, half no cheese.

Well, I think we all know
which side I'm eating from.

Enjoy your skin flap.

Spence, will you stop
staring out the window, man?

You're creepin' me out.

I'm waiting for Lou Ferrigno
to get home.

Where is he?

Spence, Lou is not
gonna go with you

on your little
Sci-Fi geek-fest.

Yeah. Fantasy Expo '
is a geek-fest.

That's why different
hobbits are showing up.

You know, at a certain point,
we can't protect you anymore.

Oh! There he is.

Yes! Target acquired.

No, this is not happening.
Not today!

What's the matter?

Just eat it off your
shirt like you always do.

No, he's gotta be
all G.Q.Ed up.

He's getting his hair
cut by Lori.

Oh ho.
She's a neat freak.

No, man. She's hot.

Oh! Better yet. Ha.

Hey, I'm in the market
for a new hair girl.

Could you hook me up?

Mmm, I would, but she doesn't
like to cut loser hair.

What?

I don't want you goin' to her.

Why not?

Because she's mine, all right?
Get your own.

Do you believe him?

You can go to my girl.
I mean, she weighs about bills,

but she'll braid
you up real nice.

If you want my opinion,
in terms of style,

handling, and pure luxury, you
can't b*at the park Avenue.

I think we could both agree
that Buick makes a great car.

Can I go in now?

Yeah, w-Lou, Lou, Lou.
One more thing.

What are you doing, uh...
weeks from next Sunday?

Why?

There's a kinda Sci-Fi convention
out at the Meadowlands.

I was thinking if you wanted
to go, I'll give you a lift.

We can walk around.

You just want to take me
because I was the hulk.

You-you were the hulk?
Oh, that's right!

I totally forgot!

So what do you say?

I don't do that stuff anymore.

Lou, please!

That chapter in my life
is closed.

Y- you don't understand!

I mean, if I could
show up with the hulk...

I'd finally be somebody,

not some loser
wearing fake Spock ears

because he doesn't have
the guts to get the surgery.

OK, fine.

But no green paint
and no purple pants.

Lou, thank you.
Thank you! OK?

Um... and you might wanna save
some of that anger for the expo.

Hey, honey, I'm going shopping.

I have a couple of
questions about the list.

sh**t.

Now, I don't mind you
adding items,

but I'm gonna ask you again,
please don't cross off vegetables.

Sorry, I-I got upset.

It's OK.

All right,
and help me out here.

It says crackers-all.

That's an entire aisle.

That's just a guideline.

I wanted you to have fun with it,
just get in there--

You know what? Why don't
you just come with me.

The sample lady will be there.

Oh, I want to. It's just that I,
uh, I gotta get a haircut.

You just got a haircut weeks
ago. Your hair looks fine.

Yeah, it's fine
if you're a bee gee.

Honey, please,
just come with me.

Carrie, what do you want me
to do? I have an appointment!

You think I wanna spend my Saturday
sitting in some barber chair?

You doin' OK?

Great.

Hi. There's a couple
more bags in the car.

Oh, Danny!

We need to set up
some boundaries.

Hey... why'd your hair
taste like coconut?

I spilled a piña colada.
It's a long story.

Where's Doug?

He went to get his hair cut.

Oh, right.

Hey, car, by the way,

could you give me the
name of Doug's hair person?

I love his look.

Um...

Actually, I don't know
who he goes to now.

Wait a minute. Did he
tell you not to tell me?

What are you talking about?

I'm talking about
his hot hairdresser.

What hot hairdresser?

Oh, like you don't know!

Oh, you don't know.

So, you ever deliver
to anyone famous?

Uh... is Harrison Ford
famous?

You did not deliver to him!

No, I didn't.
But he is famous.

Seriously...

Delivering an old lady
her heart medicine

or a child his first bike...

That's the thrill ride for me.

Tch! Aw!

I gotta get my clippers.

Take a look at the back.

OK!

Hey!

Car!

How are ya?

Hey.

Wh-wh-what are ya doin' here?

Oh...

Nothing. I was just across the
street at the beauty supply,

thought I'd just pop in
and say hello.

Beauty supply? Why don't you leave
that for the people who need it?

'Cause you don't! Ha ha!

I'll see ya at home, OK?

That's OK.
I don't mind waiting.

That's OK--
I don't mind.

It's OK.

I'll just sit right here.

So, you must have
a million funny stories

about things that happen while
you're out makin' deliveries.

Uh... it's not about
being funny.

It's about getting the job
done and going home to my wife.

Oh. OK.

Hold still, hon.
I don't want to cut you.

OK, you're all set.

OK, well, thank you very much
for a very professional job.

Thank god that's done.

Hey. Could you put bucks
on my Metro card, please?

Is there a problem?

No, no. I'd be happy
to do that for you,

Mr. Adam West,

or should I say Batman?

You nailed me.

So, uh, what brings
you down to the subway?

Underground trouble
in Gotham city?

I have a colonoscopy uptown.

Wow...

Oh, I see that fantasy
expo's coming up.

Yeah. They're having it at
the Meadowlands this year.

I remember when
they held the first one

in George Takei's
landlady's house.

To have been a fly
on that wall!

Oh, there were
quite a few of those.

She was a filthy woman.

Well, nice to talk to you.

Batman?

Yes?

That is so cool.

Um... I was
wondering, uh...

Any chance you would come
with me to the convention?

Oh, I don't do much
of those anymore,

but you've sure got guts
to ask me.

And I like guts.

So you'll go?

You may have to drive.

My prius is in the shop.

Hey!

Hey. Where you been?

I've been home,
uh, an hour now.

Oh, had to make
a couple stops.

Got you those mints
you like. I know that.

And, uh, a little bracelet.

Wow! It's beautiful.

What's the occasion?

The occasion
is you're the best.

You are so sweet!

Let me get a look
at that haircut.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.
She's good.

Yeah. I mean, I wish
she'd do a little less...

And a little more...
You know what I'm sayin'?

Yeah. She's pretty hot,
though, huh?

You think?

Mm...

Not my cup o' Joe, but god bless.

Try on your bracelet.

You are unbelievable!

What?

Sneaking around behind
my back getting haircuts!

I wasn't sneaking around. I
told you I was getting a haircut!

Yeah, but not by
Edward Scissorboobs!

So she's a little hot,
all right?

I only go to her because I
like the way she cuts my hair.

Oh, come on.

We both know your
hair looks like crap.

And if it's about the haircut,

why won't you give
her number to Danny?

Is that what
you're so upset about?

I'll tell Danny right now!

Go 'head!

Fine.

Unbelievable.

It's ringing.

Spence, get Danny.

This is ridiculous.

Hey, Danny, if you
really wanna know

the number to my hair girl,
I'll give it to you.

Just grab a pen, bud.

For the brothers Grimm,
press one.

What's with that guy,
huh? "Press one!"

You're being pathetic.

What? So once a month
I get my hair cut

by a cute girl
who laughs at my jokes.

What's the big deal?

The big deal is
when you got married,

you took a sacred vow to me.

To do what, only get my
hair cut by ugly people?

The point is
you shouldn't be needing

that kind of attention
from anybody but your wife.

Do you understand
how hurtful that is to me?

Yes! That's why
I didn't tell you!

OK, you know what? From now
on, you and her, you're through.

If anybody's gonna give
you pleasure once a month,

it's gonna be me.

Hey, Lou.

Hey, guys.

Hey, Lou.
Lot of weight there.

Yeah, I'm training
for the convention.

I'm gonna be in
the best shape of my life.

At first, he didn't
even want to go,

now he's totally into it.

Look at him training, Deac.

Training for me
to break his heart.

Then why'd you ask
that other guy?

Because the other guy
is Batman, all right?

And when you have a chance to
take the Dark Knight to a party,

you do it.

I would not do well
in your world.

It's dates for the prom
all over again.

You had dates for the prom?

No, my date did.

She wanted to go with me,

but then her dad said
if she wanted to go to college,

she'd have to take
this other guy, so...

Uh-huh. And you
believe that?

She ended up going to college,

so you do the math.

So how did you
find out about her?

His cousin ratted him out.

And you know what?
Doug didn't even think

he was doing anything wrong.

I mean, this girl
was all over him

and he was freaking loving it.

A little lower, baby.

Yeah, there you go.
That's it.

Hey, don't get
too comfortable.

We still got cardio.

Hate you.

What?

Don't you think you're
being a little hard on Doug?

'Cause... you know.

This is totally different.

Ooh, stop that.
That tickles. Ha ha!

Morning.

Hey.

What you making?
Some waffles?

Yeah.

Oh, I'm using
Mrs. Butterworth's.

Is that OK? Or should I only be
getting syrup from your head?

Is this about that whole
hair-cutting thing?

Well, um...
Yeah, listen,

you can go back to Lori
whenever you want.

What?

You were yelling at me,

saying I'm betraying
our whole marriage.

Yeah, I was just probably--
I was in a mood, you know?

Just some womanly stuff
going on there.

But seriously, though,

you can go back to her.

Why are you suddenly
OK with this?

OK, look, I realized

that I was being
a bit of a hypocrite.

I mean...

I have a man in my life
who's kind of like Lori.

You know, gives me attention,
makes me feel good,

and you don't know about him.

It's Deacon, isn't it?

No, it's Brad,
my trainer from the gym.

Oh. OK, fine.

Yeah, so, I'm gonna
see him in minutes.

Oh. That's great.
You know something?

My sideburns are getting
a little bushy, too.

OK.

Well, say hi to Lori.

Ha ha! Say hi to Brad.

OK, thanks.

Bye.

Hey, Lori.

Oh, hey, Doug.

Hey, Doug.

What's up?

I- I was just wondering
if you could maybe

give me a little trim in the
back, clean me up a little bit.

Oh, actually,
I was about to head out.

Danny had an extra ticket
to blue man group.

Hey, you feel like Mexican?

I love Mexican!

Oh, great.

Ooh, but I should warn you.

When it comes to margaritas,

I'm a lightweight.

Hey, that's bueno by me.

Oh, but don't worry, Doug,

I'll get you taken care of.

Eugene!

No, no. That's OK.
Really, that's fine.

I'm good.

So do you ever deliver
to anyone famous?

Hey, Spence.

Yeah. Hi.
Lou, there's something

I really got
to talk to you about.

Look, what I just picked up

at the dry cleaners today.

And guess what,

I'm going green.

Just wait here. I'm
gonna go try them on.

Don't put the pants on, Lou!

Why not?

'Cause it's just gonna
make this hurt even more.

, .

All right, come on.
Finish out strong.

OK.
There we go.

Hey, can I talk
to you for a second?

We got more sets here.

Hey, Jimmy neutron,
could you take a walk?

I'm gonna get a red bull.
You want one?

Yeah, sure.

What's going on?

Well, I got my hair cut.

Yeah?

By Eugene!
Yeah. Lori couldn't do it

because she was too busy
having margaritas with Danny

because you gave him
her number!

Oh. I'm sorry, baby.

Well, we'll talk
about this at home, OK?

Right now, Brad's
gonna work on my glutes.

Ha ha. No, no.
OK, if I don't have Lori,

there's no Brad for you.

For the rest of our lives,
it's just this.

Well, no, that's not fair.

I know. It sucks
for both of us.

Doug, just calm down, all
right? We can fix this.

How?

This is stupid.

Doug, come on.

I want to find you
a new hairdresser.

A real hottie.

All right, fine.

All right.
So what do you like?

Short? Tall? Skinny?
A little junk in the trunk?

What's your pleasure?

That one's not bad.

Oh, I see you like 'em
a little dirty.

OK, you know what--

come on, come on, come on.

Just go up to her
and see if she's free, OK?

I can't do this.

Do you want me to do it?

No, I-I'll do it.

OK.

Ahem.

Yes?

Hey, I'm Doug.

Uh, I know this is
kind of short notice,

but I was wondering if you
could give me a hair cut

'cause, you know, I go crazy.

But just seeing if
you were available.

Actually, I'm booked
for the next couple weeks.

Ohh. That's cool.

I'm so busy, too.
I probably--

I'll just let it
grow, you know?

I want to die.

All right, honey.

Come on. Just give it
another minute, OK?

Let's just look--

excuse me.

I want her.

You sure, honey? You
want to look around--

yeah, you can go home.
I'll get a ride or something.

I'm glad your prius
is out of the shop

'cause this is a sweet ride.

I may buy it when
the lease is up.

So, anyway, um, we want to
make a really good entrance,

so I was thinking you could
either rappel down next to me

or you carry me in your
arms and set me down.

I mean, it's your call.

Let's play it by ear.

Oh, Spence, I ran into
a mutual friend today.

Oh, who?
Commissioner Gordon?

Ha ha ha!

He's been dead since .

That's not funny.

I'm talking about
Lou Ferrigno.

Oh, yeah?

Lou told me

that he was supposed to go

to the convention with you,

but you ditched him
at the last minute.

Because you're better!

Oh, I see.

Let me ask you something.

If you had run into Bill Shatner
this morning,

would you have
ditched me, too?

I want to say no, but...

I'm weak. I'm so weak.

Well, that's why

people like Lou, myself,
Bill, Lee Majors

always look out
for each other.

Because of pasty-faced
opportunists like you.

W- w-we're still going,
right?

I am.

Get out of the car.

W- w-we're on the turnpike!

I gotta run across
lanes of traffic!

Character is formed
through adversity.

And P.S., I'm keeping
your gas money.

What's going on?

I heard you have
a hot hairdresser.

We want in.