04x02 - Willie's Wake

[bunniefuu]

CAR HORN BEEPS
Ooh, the car's here! Oh, right.

How you feeling? Aye, I'm OK.

Are you sure?

Yeah.

Give me a hug.

Oh, thanks, Cath.

I don't know what I'd do without
you. I honestly don't.

Oh, Col, don't you worry.

We are going to give your dad a funeral

that he would be proud of, with all
the dignity and respect

that he deserves.

Oh, Cath.

You got hankies in your bag?

No.

We'll get the hearse to
stop at the garage.

Aah, sit down, Beth.

We won't stay long, Cathy. Mm-hm.

Sit down, Christine, you're allowed
in today.

Ooh, it's nice to get into the warm.

That crematorium was freezin'!

Which is surprising, cos you'd think
that given that the...

Er, Christine?

And their pews were a bit on the
hard side, as well.

Tell you, if you wirnae weeping
before you went in,

you would be after half an hour wi'
your arse sat on them.

Er, it was a really nice service, Colin.

Eh?

I'm saying the service was lovely.

Do you think so? Oh, yes, very nice,
Colin.

The wee minister did an excellent
job, I thought. Aye, he did.

He judged it just right.

Hm. Mm, very sensitively done.

Yeah. I thought so, too.

How much did he charge ya, Colin?

Right, who's for a drink?

Just a tea for me. Tea?

Er, I'll take a coffee.

Oh, aye, I'll have a coffee as well,
Cath.

You any decaf? All right, Ian,

it's not f*ckin' Costa!

BREATHY LAUGH

Is there anything you'd like us to
do, Colin?

No, no, yous have been great.

I really appreciate you coming
today. My...

..my dad spoke very highly of you.

Oh, really?

Oh, yes, he was always asking after
you and the family.

Ach, he was a good man.

Only last week he said to me,

"How's that wee chunky fella next
door with the q*eer son getting on?"

Can't believe that's him gone, now.

Was that his preference then, Colin?
To be cremated rather than buried?

Well, I...

I've left strict instructions, for
when I die it's to be a burial,

haven't I Beth? You have.

Aye, a coffin with the satin inside
and my best cardigan on,

in case I get exhumed.

I just hope we did all right for him.

Aye, I'm sure you did, Colin.

No, no, it was all done very nicely.

I'm sure he'd have been very happy.

Well, I hope so. I really do.

Let's go and see how Cath's getting
on with the kettle.

He's not good, is he?

It seemed to be that song they
played tipped him.

Aye, what was that?!

Well, you know his dad was an
accordion player?

That was the song he always used to
play for Colin when he was a
wee boy.

It was just too much for him.

A few tears and a blow at the nose
is natural.

That was like something out of The
Exorcist!

He was gettin' hysterical.

Thank God the minister switched it
off. Oh, him.

He was just wanting the whole thing
done and dusted so he could

get onto the next one.

It's no' a Bible he should have
under his arm,

it's a debit card machine.

Look, not everybody wants a big
religious affair.

Well, they were in the right place
today, then, weren't they?

I mean, not one prayer and then a
quick blast of The Lord's My
Shepherd?

I've had better religious
experiences with two codeine

and a sh*t at the foot spa.

Guess what? What?

I was looking for tea bags

and I found a bottle of brandy.

Oh, look Cathy, I'd rather have a
tea to be honest.

Oh, Beth! Er, no. Honestly, Cathy.

It's what Willie would've wanted!

Oh, aye, he was very fond of his brandy.

I remember seeing him one morning in
ASDA,

when he was self-scanning a
quarter bottle.

Cathy, is he all right?

Who?

Colin.

He's awful quiet.
He's definitely not his usual self.

I know.

He's not even wanting sex or anything.

But he's grieving, Cathy.

I know, but he was gagging for it
after the dogs got put down!

Well, maybe the two of you just need
some time on your own?

Now...

..nice to see Ian in a shirt and
tie, isn't it?

Look at you, Ian!

You look like you're all ready for
working in a phone shop.

Oh, here he is.

Ah, you all right, Colin?

Now, how is my brave boy?

Is there anything I can do for you?

No.

INAUDIBLE

No.

WHISPERS: He still doesn't want to,
Beth.

I was just saying your, er, your dad
was a man for his brandy, wasn't he?

Eh? Oh, aye, aye, aye.

Aye, he liked his brandy.

Mm, a brandy's good for the nerves.

Pat over the back gave me one in DFS
when I signed for that couch.

I tell you what else he was very
fond of...

..music.

He was a great man for his music.

I mean, see that accordion?

See when I was a wee boy?

See, we used to get it out.

He'd get it on his knee and he'd
start to play...

Oh, f*ck, he's going to go again.

VOICE BREAKING: He'd always play me
the same wee song.

Er, why don't we have a toast?

A toast, aye. That's a good idea.

Colin, shall we have a wee toast?

Aye. Aye, all right, then. Good
man.

Woohoo! I'll get a couple of
bottles of prosecco.

No, Cathy, we'll just do it with this!

You going to do it, then?

What, me? Aye, I don't think I
could.

Right, er...

..erm...

Oh, for Christ's sake! Will somebody
just say something?

OK, OK...

Er...

Er, well...so, it's been a sad day
today, seeing Willie off.

He was a...he was a real character.

Everybody here today will remember
him fondly for...

..for all the many things that,
er...

..that he got up to and all the
happy times they had with him.

Er, so, if you'd care to join me in
raising a glass...

..to Willie.

ALL: To Willie!

Thank you, Eric.

That was lovely.

Aye, that was nice, Dad.

Here, Colin.

Do you no' think we could maybe say
a wee prayer for your dad?

Er, no.

I mean, I don't want tae go on aboot
it, but that wee minister

couldnae lead a f*ckin' conga,
never mind a prayer!

Look, Christine, I don't think
Colin wants that.

Actually, that...that...that might
be nice.

A...a prayer might be nice.

Mh-hm.

Right, come on, let's do it properly.

There we go, that's it...

Eric! Join hands.

Jesus.
Beth, Beth...that's it.

Heavenly Father,

we are gathered here today in Colin
and Cathy's front room

to say farewell to Colin's dad,

who has recently d*ed and been cremated.

Ashes are expected on Wednesday.

It is Wednesday, Colin, aye?

It's Wednesday, aye.

Wednesday, Father.
KNOWING CHUCKLE

Bit busy after that cold snap, maybes.

So, we ask you for your comfort
at this sad time.

Colin has been quite upset.

In fact, he was crying very loudly

when the music came on in the
Crematorium.

So much so that the wee minister guy,

who you would not have liked,
had to press pause on the CD.

Ahem!

So, we thank you for being with us
today.

And could I just say, also, a wee
prayer for Father Di Marco,

who has been under a great deal
of stress recently.

I personally believe that what
happened in

should stay in .

Amen.

ALL: Amen.

I'll tell you the one that really
floored me when he d*ed.

And I can remember exactly where I
was when I heard the news.

Seve Ballesteros.

Beth, another brandy?

No, thank you.

The amount of people that he must
have inspired to go up that

pitch n' putt is incredible!

I see you've had, er...you've had
quite a...a few cards, Colin.

Oh, aye, he was very well-liked.
PHONE BUZZES

That's from Paddy Power,

and he got one from a Ladbrokes.

Er, Mum, is it OK if I maybe make a
move?

Yes, I think so.

Your dad and I are going to be going
shortly, too.

What's that, Beth?

Ian's just heading off. What?!

Yeah, Gordon's coming to get me.
Said he'd text when he's outside.

What, he's outside now?

Well, yeah.

I should maybe just...

..go and say a quick hello.

Hi, Gordon, honey!

RADIO PLAYS "ANNIE'S SONG"
BY JOHN DENVER

Hi, Cathy.

How are you?

Oh, not so good, Gordon, to be honest.

It's Colin's dad's just d*ed and we
had to have a funeral.

Yeah, I was sorry to hear that.

Were you quite close to him?

To Willie?!

Oh! Yeah. Yeah...

How's Colin doing?

He's terrible, Gordon.

He's taken it very badly.

Would you like to come in and see?

No. Come on. No, honestly, we...

Come on! Just for a minute!

No, Cathy, I can't.

Thanks very much for coming, Ian.

Aye, no bother, Colin.

And listen...

..you cherish your parents while
they're still around.

Aye, I will.

Aye, look son...

..I know they can maybe get
on your nerves.

I mean, some people find your father
very, very boring and...

..and your mum...

..she's a bit on the dull side as
well, Ian.

But, see, the thing is, see when
they're gone?

You'll miss them.

Ooh! Change of plan.

Gordon would like to come in now.

We'll have one more and then we'll go.

Look who I found! Sit down, Gordon,
sit down.

Ian, give me your jacket.

Come o-o-on!

That's it.

Aah...

Sorry to hear about your dad.

Did the funeral go OK, did it?

Oh, it was a...it was a nice wee
service.

It was very disappointing, Gordon.

Very disappointing.

Gordon, would you like a brandy?

I'm driving.

Colin's father has d*ed, Gordon.

Er...OK.

I'm sorry I couldn't make it.

It's all right, Gordon.

I'm rubbish at funerals anyway, to
be honest.

Are you, Gordon? Are you rubbish?

Did you ever meet my dad, Gordon?

Er...no, I don't think I did.

Er, you did.

Remember that day I pointed him out
to you?

Oh, the man sleeping on the grass!

He...he was a real character, so he
was.

It...it's...it's a sad day.

Ian said he was a musician?

That's right. It was the accordion
he played.

Do you know I...I remember as a wee
boy, there was this...

..there was this one song that he...
SOBBING: ..he used to play for me.

Gordon, do you remember Seve
Ballesteros?

There you go, Gordon.

We've had a toast already, so just
take a sip and then give me a kiss.

Ooh, you taste all boozy.

You stink! You're going to have to
get a taxi, now!

Beautiful V-neck pullovers.

Every colour under the sun.

You all right there, Colin?

Aye.

I'm just thinking, he would have
loved all this, you know.

Everybody sat round with a wee glass
of something.

And remember that Christmas we had
him stay, Cath?

Oh, what, when he pissed the couch?

Oh, aye, he was...he was in great
form.

I can...I can still picture him sat
there with his paper hat and
cigarette.

Waiting for the Queen's speech to
come on,

so he could give her the finger!

Was that your last Christmas together?

It was the last one he was allowed
to come here, yes.

What age was he, Colin? I don't
think the minister said.

He was .

, eh? Phew...

.

That's what you call a good innings!
Oh, aye, aye.

Seve was only , Gordon.

If he was , then he was born when?

Oh, a long time ago, Beth.

he was born.

So, was he in, like, the w*r and
that? No, Christ, he'd have only
been a boy.

My grandpa was in the D-Day landings.

Shh, Gordon.

Ian, another brandy?

SHE PINGS GLASS
He did National Service, though.

Aye, well, that was the thing. I
mean you...you had to.

See, if you'd been around then,

you'd have had to go in the army
whether you liked it or not.
Oh, no, Eric.

They didn't take h*m*.

We've still got pictures of him
somewhere in uniform.

f*ck, not them...

Not now, Colin, too soon.

Don't upset yourself.

I can still remember him whistling
all the old songs

that he'd picked up in the barracks,
you know?

It's A Long Way To Tipperary, Pack
Up Your Troubles and what was the...

..what was the marching one, again?

HE WHISTLES COLONEL BOGEY MARCH
Oh, aye, aye, aye.

Oh, yeah...

ALL JOIN IN APART FROM CATHY

Go on, Gordon. March! March!

Pfff!

Pfff! Pfff!

Pfff! Pfff! Pfff!

Pfff!

SHE LAUGHS

I remember him whistling that clear
as day.

This isnae the same couch that he
pissed on, is it?

Cathy...

Oh, Beth! I mean, thank God I got
all this ice in!

Listen, I don't think we'll
stay much longer. Sorry?

Well, we'll head off and leave you
and Colin

to have a bit of time to yourselves.

No, you can't do that, Beth. Why?

Because Willie's dead.

I know!

And I think Colin needs a bit of
time to himself to deal with it.

You say that, Beth, but I think he's
taken a great deal of comfort

from us all being around him and
enjoying our drinks!

I really think, Cathy...

I. Am. Colin's. Wife, Beth.

I know what he needs.

What he needs is for you to take
this ice,

go back through to the sofa

and stop trying to spoil the party!

Now, Father Di Marco.

His funerals are something else.

People come from all over to attend
them. Really?

Here, you should come tae one when
he gets back!

Where is he?

He's on a wee break in Argentina.

Gordon, what do you think of Ian and
his tie?

It's, er...

..yes. Looks good.

Ian, do you like Gordon in his shirt?

Er...

..yeah.

Maybe you two should just stay the
night.

Naw... Oh, no, you can if you want.

I've...I've heard guys doing it
before.

In hotels.

Oh, here he is! Here's my boy with
the empty bladder.

All right there, Colin?

Aye.

We, erm...

We gave him a good send-off, didn't we?

Course you did.

Oh, aye, yeah. Do you think?
Definitely, aye.

Well...

It's a sad day but, in a way, it's a
good day, eh? Mh-hm. That's it.

We're sad that he's gone,

but it's good to be able to
celebrate his life.

In some bits of the world, the whole
thing's a celebration.

Aye, that's true.

Like Mexico.

Oh, Mexico.

Pat's son went to Cancun and somebody

wrote a T on the end of his luggage tag.

New Orleans.

I mean, the whole thing there's like
a big party.

Oh, aye. They've got the bands and
all that, haven't they? The jazz
bands.

Ooh, I like the sound of that!

Yeah, everybody has a bit of a dance
and joins in. Oh, yeah!

Well, we should play some music!

Do you really think that's a good
idea, Cathy?

Oh, Colin, that would make you feel
better.

Let's play some music!

I mean, not jazz, cos that's just sh*t.

Well, a hymn would be a...

Shut up, Christine!

Right...

..Oh, I know, I know, I know!
Oh, I love this song!

SMOOTH, SEXY MUSIC PLAYS

Such a good idea, Gordon.

Now, listen, we've had the funeral,
very sad.

Poor Willie, in his coffin, off he
goes behind the curtain.

Lots of sandwiches and speeches.

But that's all finished, now.

Now?

We're going to have a party.

MUSIC BECOMES LOUD AND UPBEAT

Woo! Yes!

Come on, Col! Woo!

DOORBELL RINGS

Who the f*ck is that?!

Oh! Hi, Cathy.

Michelle.

Erm, we heard about Colin's dad.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

It's...

..it's really sad.

I got you a wee card, so...

Oh, look, thanks, Michelle!

Come in.

Oh, no, I won't just now. I just
thought...

Come on, all the sad stuff's finished.

We're having drinks now.

Are you sure? Yes, in you come!

OK, well, I'll just let Alan know.

Where is he?

Oh, Alan, Alan!

Ala-a-an! Come in!

Colin's dad's d*ed and we're
celebrating!

What's happened to the music?!

I turned it off, Cathy.

Michelle's here, everyone!

Hi there.

Hello, Michelle.

Michelle brought you a card, Colin.

A-a-aw...

Aw, that's lovely.

Sit down, Michelle. Sit down.

Oh, here's Alan! Hug Alan, too.

Hug Alan.

There you go, nice cuddle.

Oh, he's cuddly, isn't he, Michelle?
Big, whoargh...

..cuddly Alan.

We're really sorry to hear about
your dad, Colin.

Oh, he was , Michelle.

No' exactly a big shock.

So, what would you like to drink?
Oh, no, we're fine, honestly.

Alan, would you like a drink?

Aye. What would you like?

I'm having a brandy, Alan, in honour
of Willie and Seve Ballesteros.

Brandy for Alan.

Brandy, Michelle?

Oh, no, thanks, honestly.

An old man has d*ed, Michelle,
take a f*ckin' drink!

UNDER BREATH: f*ck's sake...

Right...

Cheers, Alan! Cheers, Michelle!

Cheers, everyone! Woohoo!

So, was it the funeral today, was it?

It was Alan, aye.

Cremation, Alan. Right.

Followed by a buffet.

Oh, that's nice.

Oh, very modest affair, Michelle.

Couple of pound a head, max.

So had he not been well, Colin?

Well, obviously...

He was all right until a few months
ago and then he had a fall.

That's what happens with old folk.

They just fall.

Your mum fell, didn't she?

She did. Er...

So what happened?

Well, it was downhill from there,
Michelle, to be honest.

Erm, he took a wee funny turn, then...

..then he was admitted to
hospital and...

Colin's in a state of grief, Michelle.

I think it's best you don't make him
go through the whole

experience again.

No, listen, I don't mind...

Don't do it to yourself, Colin, please.

Oh, sorry.

Michelle, where did your mum fall?

Er... Greenock.

Shall we put some more music on?

Did she bang her head?

I'll put some more music on and
Gordon can watch me dance.

No, Cathy, we don't need any more music.

Is that the order of service?

Do you mind if I have a wee look?

Oh, go on, Michelle. Aye, have a
look Michelle.

Look at that, no' even a crucifix or
nothing.

I half expected to turn it over and
see a list of fried rice dishes

on the back.

William Cuthbertson White. That
your dad's name, was it?

Willie.

Aye, my uncle, he was Willie as well.

Aye, you don't see so many Willie's
about these days, do ye?

IAN SNORTS

Sorry, sorry. It's just...

..sometimes, if it's really
serious...

It's all right.

You're all right, Ian.

I'll tell you worse than that.

I worked wi' a guy

called Willie d*ck.

BOTH LAUGH

Willie d*ck! I'm no joking.

OTHERS LAUGH

Here, have you ever done that thing

where you find out what your p*rn
name is? Oh, aye!

Oh, p*rn names! I love that game!

Er, Ian, I don't think now's quite
the right...

Gordon! What's the name of your
first pet? What?

Yeah, you take the name of your
first pet

and then you put your
mother's...what is it, Ian?

You take the name of your first pet
and you put it together with your
mum's maiden name

and then those two names are the
name you would use if you
were in a p*rn film.

So, what's the name of your first
pet, Gordon?!

Er... Toby.

And what was your mum's maiden name
before she was married? Nicholls.

So, you'd be Toby Nicholls.

Mm-hm.
See, even his p*rn name is boring.

Let's do another one.

Beth, you do yours. No, Cathy.

Oh, say it, go on, ple-e-ease?

Fluffy Hunter.

THEY LAUGH HYSTERICALLY

All right, all right.

It's a stupid game anyway, Cathy.

Sorry, I... I need a glass of water.

Fluffy Hunter!

Oh, Christine, do yours.

What is it? The pet?

Yes, the pet!

Oh, well, it was definitely a tortoise.

I remember that.

Was it George...?

Aw, hang on, there was a gerbil
prior to that.

What was he called...?

Oh, come on, Christine!

Hi, Colin. Hi, Gordon.

How you feeling?

I'm OK.

Well...

..not bad.

Well, actually I'm...

..I'm terrible, Gordon.

Oh.

Oh, right.

Anything I can do?

What can anyone do, Gordon? What can
anyone say?

Maybe, don't have another brandy?

You know, it...it didn't hit me
until today,

but now that my dad has passed away
that's me on my own.

I am now alone in the world.

You're not alone, Colin.

Am I not?

No, you're never alone.

We're all here.

I'm here.

C'mere.

There we go.

Good lad.

Oh! Oh, so sorry.

Just came to get a glass of water.

Oh, c'mere. Come on.

C'mere. Oh.

Aw...

Aw...

Oh...

So, if we say, for the purposes of this,

that the cat predated the gerbil...

Oh... ..although it was technically
a stray, I remem...

Hey!

You all right, Colin, aye?

I'm no bad, Ian.

I'm actually feeling a wee bit better.

Just had a wee chat with Gordon, there.

Oh, good! Good.

And Michelle came through looking
for a hug, so...

..we're naw too bad.

You've just got to accept, don't
you, that...that things move on.

I've got my memories, though.

Well, we all do, by the sounds of
things.

He seems to have left his mark on
all of us, hasn't he? Oh, aye, aye.

Certainly has, aye.

I didnae know him.

You'll always have your memories, Colin.

Oh, aye.

In fact, do you know what?

I can see him sitting just there,

exactly where you're sat just
now, Christine.

In fact...

..stand up a minute. Eh?

Stand up. Come on.

Right...

Where...

..where is it...? Aye.

There it is.

What is it?

That's his burn.

That's where he burnt the carpet
wi' his cigarette.

And we had to move the sofa over to
cover it up, didn't we, Cath?

We did.

Aye, look at that.

I really appreciate you guys being
here today.

It means a lot to me.

Aye, you're all right.

We're here for you, Colin.

Without you guys today, I...

..I don't think I'd have been able
to cope.

But yous have really given me the
strength I needed. I...

..I feel stronger just knowing
that yous are here.

Oh, Colin.

In fact, do you know what I think
I'd like to do?

Not another hug...

I think I'd actually like to listen
to that song.

The one that we started playing in
the crematorium, but...

Now, Colin, are you sure you want to
do that?

Yes.

Yes, Beth.

I feel I'm ready to listen to it now.

That was my dad's favourite song
and, as you say, today is as much

about celebrating his memory as it
is saying goodbye to him.

So, Cathy, stick it on.

You sure? Aye.

Go on! I want tae hear it!

SCOTTISH ACCORDION MUSIC PLAYS

COLIN SOBS

I f*cking knew it!

# We all need a hug in the morning
and one at the end of the day

# As many as possible squeezed in
between

# To keep life's troubles at bay

# No matter wherever you ramble

# Your problems be great or be small

♪ A hug is the best cure of all. ♪