04x01 - The Home

[bunniefuu]

Let's have another look, love.
All right.

Can you feel him kicking, Mum?

Now, I know I'm going on, but,

are you sure you're going to be
OK flying on your own?

I don't have a disease.
I'll be fine.

And we can't pick you up from
the airport?

No, I said I'd let Dan do it.
He was begging, so I gave in.

We got to finally meet this boy
when you're home.

What's he like, Emma?

Dan?

What does it take to change the soul
of a man?

For a man to truly know himself?

How can he provide for others,

without the visceral sting of
manual labour?

He cannot.

Talking to yourself again, dickhead?

What time do you call this?

The head wanted an afterschool
meeting. It was so boring.

I kept a count of how many times
he said the word "important".

.
f*ck me.

He said there might be something
coming up at the school for you.

Never. I'm not going back.

I'm at one with the land.
You at one with . an hour?

. an hour, cash in hand.

And anyway, I've worked out
a system.

I pretend I'm planting that bag of
seeds over there,

and when the boss isn't looking,
I hoy 'em in that chicken shed

and I let those despicable feathered
c**ts gobble up the evidence.

Impressive!

I was so flighty when Emma
went away. So fickle!

Now she's going to come back,

and she's going to find just a
hard-working, wholesome family guy.

You're not a family.
You're not even a couple.

Yet.

When she sees who I've become,
it won't be long before...

Oh!

I can't believe my mum almost
threw this away when she moved out.

I used to stare at this for hours.

You know there's a game in that box.

It's not about the game.
Look how happy this family is!

Look how nice their house is!

I used to be so jealous of them.

Now I think that life might be
obtainable.

I think I've turned the Twister box
family corner.

Hey!

Hey! How do, John?

What's enough for ya?
Do some work, you fat sh*t!

This country banter, I love it.

Work!

Let me know when you want me
to sort a meeting with the Head.

I'll set the dog on you, you
fat-titted plank!

How earthy the humour,
isn't it?

I'll do it! I f*cking mean it!

Yeah, yeah!

Bye, Dan. Hey!

Yeah, yeah!

Yes, I know it's a long way for them
to come.

Yes, he'll be gone soon.

No, he doesn't pay rent.
He's a mate.

I know! Just tell them they have to
come down.

Because I'm their dad!

Christ, Dan.

Oh, my God!

Fresh Prince Of Bel Air umbrella,
a Nokia,

and a g*ns N' Roses belt buckle.

What have these things got in
common?

They're all still for sale in Wales.

No, they're all from the lost
property office down at the station.

They haven't been claimed in
six weeks, so they are now mine.

Best job I've ever had!

I'm making a k*lling after hours.

Special offer at the moment -

Free sets of keys with every pair
of sunglasses. Interested?

No.

A cot.

"A cot", to you, Brian.

His language is so fancy.

I found a cot in the spare room.

Please don't tell me you are
thinking of

moving a heavily
pregnant woman into my flat.

Just for a little bit.

I can't persuade the girls to visit
until you've gone.

God! You make me tired all over!

They love their Uncle Dan!

You steal their sweets.
They steal my yogurts!

My yogurts! Three weeks till she's
here, Dan.

Plenty of time to find a place.

Three weeks, and you're gone.

No more!

My God!

It's all about him, isn't it?

He misses his kids, Dan.
Why?! He's had them for ages!

Mine's going to be new.

And he can talk to them
on the phone!

And what's the point of her keeping
a baby in her flat?

You can put it in a shoe box.

Hey, Shakira. Did you know Dan's
going to be a dad?

Good luck, they're pricks.

You never mentioned you had kids!
Where are they?

One dead, one in France.

Simple.

Have you ever seen a kid
get born? No.

You need to get a flat quick, Dan.

Emma's going to need somewhere
to rest that fanny.

Yeah. I got three weeks.

Piece of piss.

TV: Marjorie and Derek have a
three-bed semi in Croydon...

And it's Porcelli!

Jesus Christ!

VACUUM CLEANER RUNS

HE FARTS

Can you turn it down?

WOMAN SCREAMS ON TV

HE FARTS

HE FARTS AGAIN

f*cking hell!

Hi!

He says I need three grand.
Who does? The estate agent!

He claims I have to give him
three grand in advance.

That's a modern-day scandal.
I'm going to the papers!

No, it's standard.

You wouldn't know because, up until
now, your life has been free.

Hey! I haven't got time for your
sanctimonious air guitar.

I'm picking Emma up tonight,
and I'm effectively homeless.

It's time for Walnut Face
to pay the ferry man.

Your mother?

Too long I have sat by
and watched her and Nesta

piss my inheritance up the wall.

Private retirement village,
my long, stinky plums!

I'm out of money.

And I shall take
it with the ruthlessness of a lion.

I'm up for a bit of that action!

Also, like a lion.

Vintage gear for vintage clientele.

MUSIC: Blackpool Rock
by George Formby

# Every year when summer
comes 'round

# Off to the sea I go

♪ I don't care if I do spend
a pound... ♪

Look at this place.
It costs a bloody fortune.

It's designed to drain money from
these gullible husks.

I think it's lovely!

I'm going to make a k*lling here.

This is full of massive
old lady blouses,

and your mum said M&S has gone
right off the boil.

Yeah, that's just old lady talk.

They all moan about M&S. They won't
buy their blouses anywhere else.

God, I despise their
tedious rhetoric!

Hello, Carol.

SHE SCREAMS

Oh, you gave me quite a start.

Sorry. Is Mum about?

I'm always jumping out of me skin,
me.

Me father says I'm like a flipping
Jack-in-the-Box! Oh, dear.

An irritating Jack-in-the-Box

who needs a bloody good whack with a
plank! Right.

Back of the head cr*ck with a
big old builder's plank!

"That'll stop you twitching,"
he says!

Is Mum about?

Oh, she's having a snooker lesson.

What? Snooker?

Lesson? In snooker?

How much is that costing?

I don't know, it's not part of the
diamond package.

Yeah, they pay extra!
I'll bet they do.

Oh, dear! Carol, why do I always
make everyone so cross? Why?

What's all this bullshit?
Daniel! Whee!

Why are you having
snooker lessons?

You haven't got the upper body
strength to wear a heavy coat!

It was on the activities board.

They send pros in.

Bastards! They'll be charging a
fortune!

Oh, no, we don't notice the money,
dear. It gets direct debited.

Wait till you see what I've made you
in knitting class!

And who runs knitting class?

Jeff f*cking Banks?

Daniel, this place is wonderful.

It's been a new lease of life for
your mother and me.

Do you know I took a falconry lesson
last week?

And you know, those birds, they have
a certain warmth about them?

I mean, this time last year,

I would have blown one out of the
sky as soon as look at it.

Oh! Here comes Granny!

What's that? It's for the baby!
Your mother knitted it.

Why's it got Simon Bridges written
on it?

Well, I don't know what you're going
to call it, do I?

So, I guessed! You know my surname.

It's your surname.

Yes, but we don't know what the
modern situation is with Emma,

and whose name the baby will take.

Her name is Lipsey,
which you also know!

Well, I went for something neutral.

OK. I mean, your brain's
folding in on itself.

Don't you like it?

Daniel! Your mother is so excited
about this baby.

She spent a whole week making that!

She's got calluses the size of
marrowfat peas!

Daniel, when does Emma get back?

See, I thought I could come around
to your new flat,

and boil wash everything!

I love washing!

She does. She was bred for it.

But, you know, I don't think this
deal with Emma is done yet, Daniel.

When a doe has the seed of one stag,

it doesn't mean to say that she'll
stay with him for life.

In fact, if anything, she'll howl
for the rest of them

to make sure the job is done
properly.

It's a sort of venison bukkake,
and she's the star.

Thank you, Nesta!

I need my share of the
house money, and fast.

What was that glance?
There was no glance, Daniel.

I saw a glance.

He said it was best.

What?

A trust fund? A trust fund.

A trust fund?

Who for? Who do you think? The baby.

Judas!

It wasn't Brian's idea, love.

He just helped us to get it sorted.

My pleasure.
My God, I despise you sometimes.

How can anyone look like both
members of Hall and Oates

simultaneously?

It was the right thing to do!

With your track record,

the money would have disappeared
faster

than a coked up prost*tute's finger
up a married banker's anus!

Right! Where are you going?

Where do you think I'm going?
I'm going to get it reversed!

You can't get it reversed.

Oh, Daniel, I just wanted to make
sure he was looked after.

You can have my pension!

Polly, the boy has to stand on his
own two feet!

When a boar has ridden a sow,
he doesn't just...

Nesta, I am going to the bank,
I'm going to get it reversed,

then I'm picking up the keys to
my new flat, getting Emma,

and we're going to have a
Twister box family!

Jesus Christ! Sorry!

You can't reverse a trust fund
you didn't set up.

Oh, come on!

It's for my son! Still can't do it.

OK, Jenny.

We're not so different, you and I.

I actually did think when I came in,
I mean...

HE CLICKS

What's that?
We look a bit alike.

No, we don't. We do a bit.
I don't think we do.

There's something there.
You're a bloke!

Yeah, I'm not saying
you're not pretty.

OK. You're a pretty me.

Now, reverse it.

No. Reverse it, please.

Can't do it. Reverse the trust fund.

Next! Reverse the trust fund,
pretty me.

Next! Ohhhh!

And based on your assumption
that your grandson's university fees
will be...

I wouldn't trust him! He'll see
his own friend homeless for profit!

Your mother was worried that
you would blow the money
on cider and pasties,

and that is the thought process
of a perfectly sound mind.

Sound mind?

You've inadvertently given
me the solution,

you Victorian-faced traitor!

Oh, dear old woman,
prepare to be outmanoeuvred.

There you are,
you soggy bag of piss!

What are you doing here?
How did you find me?

Look at the size of this chicken!

What's that got to do with me?

I found the seed,
you useless lazy sh*t!

You made me chickens massive!

So you're fired!
Here's your severance pay!

Ohhh!

My f*cking nose!

It turns out my mother's insane, so
I'm going to need you to reverse it.

Look, I didn't do it on purpose.

What do you mean?

Oh, come on, Jenny.

I made that big song and dance about
you and me looking the same.

Now it looks like I've been away
and f*cked my own nose up.

Are you saying I've got a big nose?
No! You are!

The two don't compare, Jenny.

I got a massive chicken thrown
at mine, yours is... What?

Natural. What?! Jenny, I'm not
saying you've got a big nose!

Sounds like you're saying
she's got a big snout, like.

How about you mind your own
business, When The Boat Comes In?

Jenny, you've got to help me.
She's mad.

This isn't even my kid's name!

Next! Jenny!

Of course your mother is
sound of mind.

Danny, you didn't drag Dr Baxter
here for this?

Look, we all know she's insane.
Just give me a note, and I'll be
on my way.

Daniel, the only thing wrong
with your mother is a light
urinary tract infection.

How is it, Polly?

Fine. You told me it was like
pissing wasps.

You said that, Nester.

Your rictus grin is your tell.

Well, if this doesn't work,
you're for the knacker's yard.

It's not even for humans, this drug.

Oh, my God, you're all mad.

Now, which room is Tony Pleech in?

His prolapse is out again.

I'll show you.

I'm playing bowls with Pleech later,
I don't want him oiling out of it.

Look, Daniel, I thought I was doing
the right thing.

I need money, you withered Borrower!

Look, I found this.

It's your old bank savings account
from when you were a little boy.

It might have accumulated
lots of interest.

Well, you had better hope so.

Bad nan. I'm not a bad nan.

You're a bad nan!

Dan, oh, Daniel!

Carol, I'm in a bit of a hurry,
all right?

So sorry, just had a thought, sorry.

It's all right, go on.

I shouldn't say, but Mr Bennington
in chalet five passed away,

God rest him,
and no-one's taken the room.

Well, I have a master key.

Carol, that's very sweet,

but I'm not going to live in
a retirement village, all right?

SHE GIGGLES

TRUCK DOOR CLOSES

Oh, my God!

Dennis Taylor?!
You're the snooker pro?!

Yes. What's the matter, did you not
make enough money in the ' s?

What?

Everything all right, Dennis?

Oh, my God! Trevor Nelson!

What are you doing here?!

Well, Nelson and Taylor
Drum and Baize Lessons.

You got a problem with that?

Well, I think it's a sh*t name,

and I think it's pretty weird
that you're working together.

But my main problem is, you're
stealing my f*cking inheritance!

Oh, dear.

Dennis does not like people
with bad manners.

Christ!

Jo, I need a new shirt.

Er, that is all I have left.

HE GASPS

You must have something else!

What's wrong with you?

Look, it's a coincidence, all right?

It's the same blouse!
It isn't!

I think you'll find
mine enjoys a ruffled neck.

It's basically the same
garment, like.

Here again, For On The Tyne?

Jenny, I'd like a balance
on this account, please.

These signatures don't look
the same.

Jenny, I had to sign for this
when I was nine years of age!

My signature's moved on a bit.

Fine.

I'll pop over here and practise.

Excuse me.

You'll have to join the back of
the queue when you've done that.

No, no. We're mid-transaction.

They're right! Back of the queue!

Oh, right! You're happy to help
this dickhead, though, aren't you?

He needs help. Why? Because
he doesn't look like you?

No, because...

I cannot read!

How could you?

Left home? Too right.

Restocking this box and coming
straight back down here.

Great! So work rather than home?

Both.

Eh?

Oh, Jo. You can't live here.

For God's sake, where do you sleep?

What, I thought you'd love it.

I sleep on the desk...

And Mickey...

Yes. Hello, Mickey.

Mr Crumbs just stands
in the corner.

Who's Mr Crumbs?

Brian, he's one of my best friends.

He once held his breath for an hour.

Jo, you can't live in a f*cking
lost property storage room,

with a shelf-dwelling Hobbit
and a man whose only achievement is
starving himself of oxygen!

Get your stuff.

You can stay at mine for a while.

A short while.

But what about your kids?

Another week or two won't do
any harm.

Pushing in. Some of us have got
lives to get on with, you know?

I am trying not to be homeless here.

Unless you're all so urgent
about a bag of coppers anyway!

Who says I've got a bag of coppers?

We can all hear you jingling.

You'd better not have. It's none of
your business what I'm queuing for.

It's a bag of coppers!

Right then, let's see what's in
this little nest egg, shall we?

I'm sorry it took me so long.

I haven't done bubble writing
in a while.

? .

Again, please.

? .

Jesus Christ!

What the f*ck am I going to do
with ? ?

Look at me!

I've got a baby on the way, Jenny!

How am I going to have a Twister box
family with f*cking quid?!

f*ck! Mate!

Jenny!

f*ck! You've gone completely mad!
Jenny!

THEY CONTINUE SHOUTING

What is all this fuss?!

Help me...

And you've nowhere to live?

No.

My friend won't let
the baby stay, sir.

Having a baby is a huge commitment.

Probably not sensible to live
in a shared house.

What does your girlfriend think?

She doesn't even know.
She's been away.

I'm supposed to pick her up
from the airport today!

But how can I?!

Sorry.

It's just, we can't have a Twister
box family when I'm in this mess.

HE CRIES AND GAGS

All right, let me see what I can do.

Here's what I can do for you.

We're going to open you
a new account.

And...I probably shouldn't
do this, but...

I'm going to put a ? , overdraft
on it so you can rent a place.

You would do that for me?

Yes, I will. Just need to get
the form filled out,

and then you can go and pick her up.

It's probably a bit late to rent
a flat now, but a nice hotel maybe?

You are so kind.

Oh, yes, I have a daughter
who's about to give birth,

and she knows what it's like
to have an unreliable father.

She's been in America
working out her notice,

and she doesn't hold out much hope

that this Dan character
has sorted anything out.

So what's the name?

GASPS

It's Bintu.

Bintu?

Bintu. Bintu.

OK, and the surname?

Bombatu.

Bintu Bombatu?

OK. Can I have a look
at your deposit slip?

You know what?
I think I'm all right.

Daniel Davis.

GROANS

You're Dan.

So, if you'll excuse me,
I'd better dash.

Better pick Emma up
from the airport.

Don't want to keep her waiting.
You know what she's like.

Well, that would be a wasted trip,
young man.

What?

Hello.

Oh! Hey, I got your bag.
Oh, let's get you in the car.

No! This time yesterday.

She waited for three hours
before she called us.

That's a bad start.

There we go, should be enough space.

Rules of the house -
all of which Dan ignored -

if you enjoy toast, there is
a crumb brush under the counter.

I, and I alone,
stack the dishwasher.

If you use the toilet for anything
more substantial than...
KNOCK ON DOOR

They took their time.

Hi guys, come on in!

You are so kind, Brian.

I only meant YOU could stay, Jo.
Oh.

Mr Crumbs, I presume?

I am Mr Crumbs.

One week...max.

Thanks, Brian!

Where's Dan going to live?

He's got a plan B, apparently.

This is it?

Yeah.

Yeah, this is it.

I'm all set.

So, Emma's...

Oh, she's just going to stay
with her folks for a while,

just to touch base.

And then, you know...

..we're playing it modern, loose.

It's all cool.

Thanks.

Bye.

Bye.

MUSIC: Home by Edward Sharpe
and the Magnetic Zeros

# Ah, home

# Let me go home

# Home is wherever I'm with you

# Ah, home

# Let me go home

# Home is wherever I'm with you

# Hey!

# Hey!

# Home

# Let me come home

♪ Home is wherever I'm with you... ♪