01x19 - Kickin' It in China

[bunniefuu]

Boy, this chinese food is terrible.

Well, what'd you expect from a place called "the scabby dragon"?

I'll take one of these fortune cookies.

Hard to mess them up.

"you are about to embark on an exciting journey."

Oh sweet, dude. That's a good one.

These fortunes are just a dumb gimmick

to take your mind off how the cookies look

and taste like an old man's ear.

I can't tell you how I know this,

But they taste nothing like an old man's ear.

"A surprise will fall from the sky."

"Your carelessness will harm a friend."

"You have a nose for trou--"

- Sound it out.
- "trouble."

Aw, check out that squirrel up there, cute little fella.

Get it off!

Dude, chill. Oh!

Wait a minute.

"a surprise will fall from the sky."

I will harm a friend.

And my nose is definitely in trouble.

Guys, you're not gonna believe this!

Jack just found out he's going to China!

- The journey.
- The cookies.

Don't you get all tough with me

I'm saying won't you come kick it with me?

And we could have a ball, run up the wall

That's just how we do

And no matter how much I chop and punch

It's not as cool as kickin' it with you

Here we go, let's start the party

Chop it up like it's karate

Everybody

Don't you get all tough with me

I'm saying won't you come kick it with me

And we could have a ball, run up the wall

That's just how we do

And no matter how much I chop and punch

It's not as cool as kickin' it with you.

Kickin' It S E Kickin' It in China

I cannot believe this.

I am going to the Junior World Martial Arts

Championships in China!

I was gonna go, but I'm not what they call, you know,

Good.

Guys, I've been dreaming about this tournament

since I got in the martial arts

How did this happen?

Mm, I may know how it happened.

I might have taken it upon myself

to write a letter about a certain student

And possibly sent it to, oh I don't know, China.

Dude, this is important. Try to remember.

Did you do it or not?

Of course I did it.

Jack's amazing. He's undefeated.

He's never lost a match in his life.

Rudy,

Can I talk to you outside for a second?

Guys, this fortune cookie thing is freaking me out.

Every one of them came true.

It's scientifically impossible for a piece of paper

in a random pastry to predict the future.

There's one left.

- That magic cookie is mine.
- No, I had it first!

- No!
- I got it.

- Dude!
- You're--

- What?
- You're eating the fortune!

Here.

- "you will find a great treasure in--"
- in what?!

In Jerry's stomach,

Because that's where the rest of this is.

Way to go, jerry!

Wait, I can get it out.

I did this when I swallowed my retainer.

Forget it!

Rudy, not everything you told those people about me was true.

Please, everybody stretches the truth.

I do it all the time on my online dating profile.

I'm not really a bathing suit model.

Rudy, I'm not undefeated.

A kid named Kai b*at me so badly

I gave up karate till I came here.

Jack, it doesn't matter. You deserve this.

And that's why they sent you

two first-class tickets to china.

You get to bring someone--

An adult, a mentor, perhaps someone

who is both here and a man.

It'd be great if we could all go.

Wait, first-class tickets are really expensive.

maybe I could trade them in for six coach tickets.

It's settled. Jack and I are going alone first-class--

Endless legroom,

Our own entertainment systems

And hot nuts.

I'm just saying, it'd be great if we could all--

I said hot nuts, Kim!

Guys, we're all going to China!

All right, this is amazing!

We are actually standing on the great wall of china.

Just think, thousands of years ago

The emperor could've stood right here,

Leaned out over the edge of the wall and yelled,

"you darn kids aren't getting your ball back!"

This thing is over miles long.

The biggest landmark back in Seaford is the water tower

Somebody spray-painted "fart" on.

Well, this wall is awesome,

But you know what else is awesome?

Cookies with fortunes that come true.

So we're gonna head over to the Panda Moon Cookie Company.

It turns out it's just a few miles from here.

Once we get the other half of that fortune,

We'll be able to find where our treasure is.

Guys, jack's tournament starts in a couple of hours.
Don't get lost.

Don't worry, we won't be late.
I found a great cab driver.

why old lady sitting in car eating cake?!

Drive, lady! Eat faster!

oh great, now stupid yak!

- He blocked whole street! Move your butt, hairy beast! -

- Hi-yah!
- This guy's gonna get us k*lled.

Yaks don't get angry, Jerry.

They're very calm, docile creatu--

Ah yeah, he-- no, he's angry.

Get down, get down, get down.

Yak att*ck. Get down.

Move out of the way, beast.

Ugh, did you see that?

Did I see that?! A yak just tried getting in our car!

But we're all good now.

Oh, it's fiancee's ex-boyfriend Zack.

Get down! Zack att*ck!

What?!

Both zack and yak att*cks will be reflected in your tip.

Who's the man? You're the man! Say it!

You're the man.

Right! No no no, I'm not the man.

You're the man. I'm just a man.

Just a man in a world of men

- And some women--
- Hey, Jack. Jack, I was down at the market

And I picked you up these Baoding stones.

Oh, kind of had my heart set

on a glow-in-the-dark ninja bobblehead,

But no no, rocks are cool.

By rotating them in your hand,

It will center you, build your chi and help you compete.

Hey, can I see those for a second?

What is wrong with you?!

Why don't you hop on your unicorn

and ride to yoga class, moon princess?

We don't need your magic rocks.

Right right. He needs you telling him

"The pain train is on the jack track!"

What does that even mean?

It means that jack needs to come out swinging

And show them that this is his house!

Do you realize you just broke a thousand-year- old table?

You've had that table for a thousand years?

You people ever hear of a garage sale?

Why'd you stop?

Hard to drive

and cry at the same time.

Tonight's my wedding night

And I don't know what to do.

I don't know what to do either, man. I'm only .

I just got a text from the guys in my wedding party.

They can't make it.

And without three men to stand with me,

I can't get married!

Guys, are you thinking what I'm thinking?

Yeah.

- Let's find another cab.
- Yeah.

Oh, please come stand with me.

I love this girl.

I don't know.

Uh, we've gotta get to the cookie factory

And then we've gotta get back to Jack's tournament.

This will be quick. I promise.

All we need to do is get you dressed

in traditional Chinese clothes.

I haven't worn this much makeup

since I starred as cleopatra in the school play.

- Why were you cle--
- Because I had the legs for it.

I still don't get how elvis is part

- of a chinese wedding.
- He's not.

It was the only costume left.

It was either that or Santa Claus.

Shen, just glad we could help you out.

Congratulations.

Congratulations to you guys too.

Wait. Why?

I couldn't marry my wife unless I found husbands for her sisters.

So congratulations, bro-in-laws.

Hey, can we wait, like, five minutes?

I'm sure my friends will be--

Or we can just go now.

Yame.

Let me guess-- priceless thousand-year-old vase.

Just put it on my tab.

-Yame.
- Yes!

Yes!

Jack, you did it! You're in the final!

Now as your sensei,

I know you look at me as the guy
that is responsible for your success,

But I want you to know that in some small way

you're a part of it too.

Thanks, Rudy.

- Get up, punk!
- Yame.

Looks like the other semi-final is over.

That's your opponent in the championship.

That's kai.

I saw your fights, jack.

Surprised to see you here.

I thought I'd swing by and pick up a trophy or two.

That's funny.

I thought I b*at the karate out of you two years ago.

Well, I'm a better fighter than I was two years ago.

And your breath is worse.

Listen, loser, this time when I take you down,

You're not getting back up.

He's not afraid of you, Kai!

Right, Jack?

Kim, I can't b*at this guy.

Jack, think about everything that I taught you.

Think about everything your grandfather taught you.

He was a master sensei.

He taught the same things to Kai.

Kai's my cousin.

You realneed to get some stronger furniture in here!

What happened between you and kai?

We both studied with our grandfather,

But to kai it wasn't about honor and discipline.

It was about intimidation and hurting people.

Jack, it doesn't matter.

You can take him.

Yeah, you are not gonna give up on yourself,

Not after I flew all the way out here in coach,

stuck between a screaming baby

and a man who cleaned himself with his tongue.

Maybe you guys are right.

My grandfather taught me to live by the Wasabi code.

We swear by the light of the dragon's eye

to be loyal and honest and never say die.

Never say die, Jack.

I don't know if I can b*at Kai,

But he's gonna know he's been in a fight.

Why didn't you tell us Kai was your cousin?

My family were really embarrassed of Kai.

And my Uncle Carl wears flip-flops to the post office.

That's not so weird.

It is if that's all he wears.

You do not wanna know where he keeps his stamps.

Arriba! Arriba!

Man, two thousand years old

And that toilet still flushes better than the one at the dojo.

What?

Come on!

Oh, kai.

- Thanks, man.
- Who were those guys?

I don't know. I kind of feel like a jerk.

I thought you were one of them.

Come on, jack, we're still cousins.

Who'd jump me like this?

You just b*at four of the best fighters in the world.

Some of them don't like to lose.

- Yeah.
- You're all right?

I don't know.

My hand really hurts.

Do you think we lost them?

- For now.
- This is all your fault.

You're the one that said we needed to help Shen.

Well, excuse me for having a heart.

Yeah? Well, because of your heart, we're lost, broke

and you two are dressed like idiots.

- Oh, I'm dressed like an idiot?
- Yeah!

- Have you seen yourself in the mirror?
- Guys.

Guys. Guys!

Check it out.

It's the Panda Moon Cookie Company.

Jack, after a thorough examination of your hand...

I'm afraid I have to be honest with you.

Based on my diagnosis...

Rudy!

Jack, your hand is broken.

You can't fight in the tournament tonight.

What? No no! No, I didn't come all the way out here to forfeit.

I'm sorry.

I know thing's didn't turn out the way you wanted,

But you proved you belong here.

Right here with the best in the world.

I'm really proud of you.

Now I'm just gonna walk behind those lockers

And if you hear what sounds like a grown man crying...

It's probably just the pipes.

Stupid pipes.

We're closed. What do you want?

We've come all the way from America just to see you, pei pei.

Hey, what is this?

Am I getting the "Punk'd"?

We need to know the rest of this fortune.

"You will find the greatest treasure of all in--"

Oh, this riddle is impossible to solve.

It would be easier to knock down the moon with a stick

or ride a dragon with-- oh wait, .

I know this one.

- You wanna know this? - Yeah, we do.

"You will find the greatest treasure of all in..."

, ,

Ah! "your friends."

Yay! Oh, what?

Did you just say your friends?

I don't know what you're trying to pull here,

But we're not leaving until we know where our treasure is, grandma!

I just got a text from the guys.

They said they're sorry I had to forfeit.

And they'll be here as soon as they ditch the wives.

What does that mean?

Uh, try to stay hip to the jive, Kim.

"Ditch the wives" is what the kids today say

when something is cool or rad.

Hey, Jack, check out that judge's beard.

It's so ditch the wives.

And now this year's junior world martial arts champion--

Kai. Would you please come up here?

I'm gonna go congratulate Kai.

Congratulations, Kai.

- This guy a friend of yours?
- Yeah. Why?

'cause he's got the same tattoo as one of the guys that jumped me!

Jack, you had a forfeit.

I won. Let it go.

You won because you were afraid to fight me.

So you sent your friends to take me out.

You better watch your mouth.

You're still just a little punk.

And you're still a liar, a cheat and a coward.

But enjoy your trophy, champ.

That is so not ditch the wives!

Back up!

Okay, Jack, I'm sorry.

I'll admit it. I planned the att*ck against you.

Just don't let me fall.

Don't worry. I've got you, man.

- Come on. Get up.

Come on-- over.

that proves you're weak.

I would've let you drop.

Okay. I think everybody saw

I was nowhere near that bench.

See you next year, champ.

Sorry we're late. You would not believe what we've been through.

Ooh, it's the wife.

Ignore!

So after all got you find out your great treature is in your friends.

Yeah! Can you believe that?

I can. Look, you could have all the money in the world,

But if you don't have what we have right here, you've got nothing.

- To friends
- To friends.

Ah. So do you think your wife will be mad

that you ditched her?

Uh, excuse me, my wife has a name.

I may not know what it is, but she has a name.

They're not our wives.

We're , there were no rings

And one of us was dressed like elvis.

Oh, really?

You might want to tell them that.

Honey, I can explain.

Run.