02x14 - Hit the Road Jack

[bunniefuu]

Oh yeah. Check it out.

I got this. I got this.

I don't got this! Whoa!

Dude, you just put a hole in the wall.

You gotta help me out. This
wall is putting up a fight.

[Chuckles]

Rudy, that's exactly like
the Bo Staff we just lost...

He did it!

What is wrong with you two?

We have the biggest tournament in
the history of this dojo tomorrow!

That's right. Tomorrow
I get my orange belt.

That is exact... wait,
that's this tournament?

I mean, of course it is. Yes,
we're all very proud of you.

Good work, son.

Hey, where have you guys been?
Practice started a half-hour ago.

Sorry, Rudy. It's Wednesday. We
volunteer at the nursing home.

[Mocking] "We volunteer
at the nursing home".

Get your priorities straight, people.
Tomorrow is the Champions Tournament!

- Where I am getting my orange belt.
- I said we're proud of you, now zip it!

Rudy, man, you're a little wound up,
but we are ready for the tournament.

Kim's been helping me
with my spinning back-kick.

Yeah, show him, Jack.

Ready?

That is perfect.

You need to do exactly that tomorrow.

You never know who's
going to be watching you.

My whole family's coming to
watch me get my orange belt.

Oh please...

Let it go!

[Rock music playing]

- ♪ Don't...
- ♪Don't...

- ♪You...
- ♪You...

♪Get all tough with me!

♪I'm saying...

- ♪Won't...
- ♪Won't...

- ♪You...
- ♪You...

♪Come kick it with me?

♪And we could have a
ball, run up the wall!

♪That's just how we do.

♪And no matter how much I chop and punch
it's not as cool as kickin' it with you.

♪Here we go, let's start the party!

♪Chop it up like it's karate.

♪Everybody!

- ♪Don't...
- ♪ Don't...

- ♪You...
- ♪You...

♪Get all tough with me!

♪I'm saying...

- ♪ Won't...
- ♪Won't...

- ♪You...
- ♪You...

♪Come kick it with me?

♪And we could have a
ball, run up the wall!

♪That's just how we do.

♪And no matter how much I chop and punch
it's not as cool as kickin' it with you.

Yo, yo Karate Tournament tonight lady's.

[Unison] Jack's gonna be there.

Hey, tell Jack my friends and I will
be at the tournament to cheer him on.

I'm competing also, so I guess
you'll be cheering me on too, right?

- Jerry, you and I will never...
- Shh shh shh.

Let's not rush this,
okay? Let it breathe.

He put his finger on my lips
and it smelled like feet.

Oh!

What?

Yo, there's that new kid.

I heard he transferred
here from his other school

because he stole his Principal's car.

We don't know he did anything.

I don't judge a book by its cover.

- Let's go talk to him.
- Boys: What?

- Milton, what are you doing?
- Hey there.

My name is Milton. These are my friends.

I hold out my arms to you as a welcoming
symbol of acceptance to our school.

We're not hugging, dude.

I high-five you as a welcoming
symbol of acceptance to our school.

Come on, new kid. Nothing?

- [Cheers]
- Woo, yay Eddie!

Thank you, Sensei.

Today, I have become a man.

From this day forward, when
I pee, I will do it standing!

Oh, he's here, he's here, he's here!

Uh, who's here?

Certainly not a mysterious stranger from
Japan who could change our lives forever.

I'm kinda nervous. This guy I'm going
up against hasn't lost in two years.

[Bones cr*ck]

Well, he's about to.

He doesn't know who he's messing with...

[Shouting] Bobby Wasabi's
best student right here!

- You don't want any of this!
- Kim, stop.

Because boom goes the dynamite! Boom!

Kim, stop booming. People are looking.

[Yells]

Yes yes!

So what'd you think about
Jack? Is he as good as I said?

No.

He's better. I'll meet with the boy.

I am the greatest Sensei in the world!

[Laughs]

Jack, you did it. That was incredible.

Woo...

Woo...

Whee.

You're turning this dojo into
a Hungarian hothouse, missy.

What are you talking about, Joan?

I saw what was going on between you
and mister kicky-kicky-chop-chop.

There's nothing going on between us.

Oh ho ho, really?

Let me take out my
old passion meter, huh?

Boop boop boop.

B-b-b-b-b-boop!

Ooh, your first love is the
most important one of your life.

You just pick up the old Joan phone
if you're ready to talk or, you know...

Kick it. [Crashes] Oh, holy Hanna.

Base, I'm going to need a
woman's right / , stat.

Welcome to the AV Club, or as
we call it, the cool kids club.

Here is where we keep the laptops.

Oh, and right here... number of days
since a club member has been wedgied.

Wedgie free for .

They got me right outside the library.

I never saw it coming.

Milton, can I talk to you in private?

Whatever you would say to me, you can
say in front of my new friend Zane.

Okay...

Your new friend is a criminal.

Shame on you.

Shame, I say!

This boy will not be an
outcast because of a mere rumor.

Zane, I will not allow you to
wear the shackles of a reputation.

Because of me, you will always
drink the purified waters of freedom.

Freedom!

Emmitt, I don't judge
a book by its cover...

Dude, I'm locked in.

Hello?

Jack, you're just so awesome.

I mean, that fly-kicky
thing you did was, like, wow!

- I hope you like the balloon. [Giggling]
- Oh, thanks.

See you, Jack.

[Mocking] I mean that fly-kicky thing
you did was, like, wow! [Cackles]

You really don't like her, do you?

What makes you say that? Hey, look!

Late to class. See ya.

You dweebs just pantsed me?

- They got caught in my locker.
- Here we go!

Hey, you heard him. It was an accident.

One day, he's not going
to be here to protect you.

My training was in Tokyo.

My first Sensei was old Master Lee.

He was a blind monk whose dojo
was on the side of a mountain.

My first Sensei was a guy named Carl.

Um, he could braid his nose hairs and his
dojo was made out of refrigerator boxes.

[Laughs]

I wasn't kidding.

Uh, Rudy, you wanted to see me.

Jack, this is Master Tanaka
from the Otai Academy.

Whoa! The Otai Academy?

The greatest martial arts masters
in the world trained there.

I guess I'm the exception
to that rule. Am I right?

It's such an honor to
meet you, Master Tanaka.

The heart and skill I witnessed at
the tournament have proven to me,

that you have the makings of a champion.

Let's talk.

Next time you're in town, call me.

It doesn't have to be
business, we can just hang.

Do you foosball?

All right, everybody, bring it in!

Jack has an unbelievable
announcement to make.

It's a little crazy, but I just got
offered a scholarship to the Otai Academy.

So full of pride.

What?

But the Otai Academy is in Japan.

Wait, what are you saying, Jack?

I'm moving to Japan.

What?

Oh no. My legs are going.

Mat me! Mat me, Jerry!

Dude, you gotta be more specific.

♪ Kickin' it with you.

I still can't believe
that I'm moving to Japan.

I mean, I leave Friday.

I was just reading
about the Otai Academy.

This brochure says the
scholarship is for four years.

When you come back, we'll be in college.

Wow, you... you're right.

Man, this place is unbelievable!

State of the art training
center, outdoor dojo...

And the cafeteria has got a "make
your own waffle" station! Shut up!

Sounds like a great opportunity.

I'll catch up with you guys later.

Man, it's gonna be weird
not being here every day.

Jack, you're such a
big part of this dojo.

I bet Rudy isn't happy.

I am the happiest I've
ever been in my life!

I overnighted a bunch of
stuff from the Otai bookstore.

Listen to this, it's
your school fight song.

- It's super catchy.
- [Music playing]

[Singing in japanese]

♪ Ah!

Great. Now I'm not going to be
able to get that song of my head.

[Singing in japanese]

♪ Ah!

Hey, why so glum, soul sister?

Remember when I was in the dojo,

and I told you I didn't
have any feelings for Jack?

- Mm hmm.
- I kinda do.

But it doesn't really matter
now. He's moving to Japan.

What?!

Let me tell you something...

Eighth grade, the first boy I ever
had feelings for, Brendan Harper,

tells me he's moving to
Wisconsin. You know what I did?

You were honest with him
and told him how you felt?

No. I put chains around his legs
and locked him in our woodshed.

If you love something,
don't set it free.

You'll never see it again.

Thanks, Joan.

You really think we can replace Jack?

We've gotta try. I mean without Jack,
not a single girl is gonna talk to us.

Forget girls, we've got no
protection from Frank and his thugs.

At least when Kim's not around.

All right, let's do this.

What makes you think
you can be the next Jack?

First of all, I have
pretty awesome hair.

And like Jack, I have two moles.

One's on my neck and one's on my...

Next!

Close your eyes and picture a...

Next!

Wait, what is your
criminal friend doing here?

He's not a criminal!

I don't care what he is, he's
got gorgeous girls with him.

Zane, are you here to audition?

I came to bring the sweater
you left in the AV Club.

Hey, you mind?

Ha!

Whoa. You know karate?

A little bit.

Ha!

Holy Christmas nuts!

Congratulations! You're our new Jack!

- Woo!
- You did it, Zane.

♪ Kickin' it with you.

Okay, let's try it one
more time. I think I got it.

All: We swear by the
light of the dragon's eye,

to be loyal and honest
and never say die.

Wasabi!

- Kim: You got it, Zane.
- Thanks.

- Hey, guys.
- Oh hey, Jack.

This is Zane. He's the new you.

♪ Awkward!

- Oh, Jack, Zane's gonna need your locker.
- Yeah.

♪ Awkwarder.

Yeah yeah, that's no problem. I
was coming to clean it out anyway.

Uh, look, Jack, he's just
the new guy in the dojo.

Nobody could replace you.

We're going to Falafel Phil's
with Jack's replacement.

See ya.

Psst.

Put chains around his legs
and throw him in the locker.

Don't set him free.

You'll never see him again.
You'll never see him again.

Kim? Check these out.

We took this at the photo booth
down at the pier, remember?

Oh yeah. I can't believe
you still have those.

There's four pictures here.
You take two and I'll take two?

Yeah.

Hey, I remember that one. That's
where I gave you a wet willy.

Look at the next one. That's the
one where I gave you a black eye.

Guys! There's something weird going on.

I just discovered a laptop is missing.

I went to talk to Emmitt about it,
no one has seen Emmitt in two days.

And Zane was the last person to see him.

- So what are you saying?
- I'm saying...

[Dramatic music plays]

- You guys didn't see anything, did you?
- Nope.

- Absolutely not.
- The sun was in my eyes.

Holy Christmas nuts! We've just
replaced Jack with a homicidal maniac!

[Dramatic music plays]

Francis, would it k*ll you
to practice in the band room?!

Listen, I rethought
your whole situation.

Before Jack leaves he has
to know what's in your heart.

I tried, but the words
just don't come out.

That's because the
heart doesn't speak...

♪ It sings!

♪ I've had feelings for
you from the very start.

♪ First you broke some boards...

♪ Then you broke...

♪ My...

♪ Heart!

♪ Aw...

♪ Aw...

♪ Snap boom, cr*ck and snap.

♪ Chop chop, hyah, chop chop chop!

Well, I'm not doing that.

There he is.

We know what you're
hiding in that locker.

Zane stole a laptop and when he
realized Emmitt was on to him,

he eliminated him and
stuffed him into his locker.

[Gasps]

No, I didn't.

I saw the dojo equipment was pretty
beaten up, so I got this for you guys.

Aw.

You guys are freaks! I'm out of here.

Oh, excuse me.

I guess none of you people ever accused an
innocent boy of being a homicidal maniac.

It happens!

Hey, Frank, any interest
in being the new Jack?

[Laughs]

[Sobbing]

♪ Kickin' it with you.

Guys, I keep texting Kim,
but she's not answering.

- I'm sure she's gonna show up.
- Yeah.

We're running out of time. My
dad's gonna be here any minute.

Man, I'm going to miss you guys.

You guys are literally the
best friends I'll ever have.

And I love you guys. Promise me
you'll have each other's backs.

- Yeah. Sure.
- Come on.

- I'm gonna miss you.
- Have a good time.

I never thought I'd say this...

Bye.

[Sobbing]

I didn't want him to see me like this.

- I almost forgot my stuff.
- Jack, what's up, bro?

I'm just helping Eddie,
because he's not strong like me.

You're overreacting. Shh, be quiet.

- Eddie: Bye, Jack.
- See ya.

So are you excited?

Yeah yeah. Hey, can you do me a favor?

Give this letter to Kim? I wrote down
some things that I wanted her to know.

Sure.

Ah...

The adventure that
lies before ye.

Foreign lands, grand masters...

Don't even get me started
on that waffle bar.

Yeah, it's a world-class facility,
but this dojo is always gonna be home.

Of course it'll be but,

this is an opportunity of a lifetime
and you're getting a free ride.

I know it's free, but...

I can't help think that it might
cost me everything that I care about.

- What do you mean?
- I don't know.

It's just by the time I get back...

What we have in that dojo
won't be here anymore.

It...

Oh, I didn't even think of it like that.

You're right. I was so excited
about what you were gaining,

I didn't even think about
what you were losing.

Don't get me wrong, the
waffle bar sounds pretty great.

Oh yeah, no, the waffles are a given.

Martial arts is really important to me.

But so are my friends.

If I leave, I'll have one of those.

But if I stay, I'll have both.

Sounds like you know
what you want to do.

Yeah.

Yeah, I do.

I'm really glad you're staying.

And I know this might sound a little
crazy, but I would really like to...

Go to Otai and pretend that I'm you?

All right, whatever. I'm gonna
go eat what's left of your face.

Oh Kim, Jack put some of
his personal thoughts down in

this letter and wanted me
to give it to you, so see ya.

- Thanks.
- It's okay, Jack.

I did the same thing. There's some
things that I wanted you to know.

But promise me you'll wait to
read it till you're on the plane.

I would but...

I changed my mind.

I'm not going.

Well, in that case, I'm
just going to say it...

- I want my letter back.
- And I want mine.

So what made you change your
mind about going to Japan?

Oh, I don't know.

I thought it might cost too much.

♪And no matter how much I chop and punch
it's not as cool as kickin' it with you.

This next song's going out
to a couple of great kids.

And I don't want to embarrass
them by saying their names,

but they rhyme with shmack and shmim.

You know who you are. And it's called...

"cr*ck, boom, snap and whap".

♪ cr*ck, boom, snap and whap.

♪ Whip, tap, dap dap, chop and bap.

♪ Sizzle sizzle sizzle
sizzle, hearts afire.