02x23 - Oh, Christmas Nuts!

[bunniefuu]

Don't do it. Seriously,
you're gonna break your hand.

I can do this.

[Exhales]

[Winces]

Dude... your Nana makes
one tough fruitcake.

How does your family eat that?

We don't.

[Straining]

My dad wedged last year's
behind the wheel of our camper

so it wouldn't roll down the driveway.

[Clangs loudly]

Kim, you sure we shouldn't ask Rudy to help
us decorate the dojo window for Christmas?

Yeah, trust me. He doesn't
really have an eye for it.

[Chuckling] Look what I did.

I made this beautiful festive
wreath out of our toilet seat.

- See what I mean?
- Mm hmm.

[Front door opens]

- Joan: Come on.
- Jerry: [Groans]

Get in here.

[Chuckles]

Tell them what you did, you.

I accidentally used my dad's
pressure washer to get rid

of the line of people in
front of the electronics store.

He blew some nerd right
out of his loafers.

[Chuckles]

Nerds.

So, did you get the Road Demon or not?

- No. They didn't have any left.
- [Sighs]

What exactly is a "Road Demon"?

Only the hottest Christmas
present this year.

It's a high-tech, remote-controlled,
futuristic combat t*nk.

I'm telling you, I want one so bad,

Christmas isn't gonna be Christmas
if I don't get a Road Demon.

Dude, if I wake up and there's
not one under my tree...

[Chuckles]

- It's gonna be on.
- I know, I asked my parents...

[Overlapping dialogue]

Guys.

Guys, Christmas isn't about getting
a remote-controlled Road Demon.

He's right.

It's also about getting a pony!

- Ooh!
- Yee haw!

No, guys. Guys, guys!

Christmas isn't about getting things.

All right, it's about being
filled with the spirit.

Yeah, that's right, Rudy.

I mean, me and Eddie got here
early to decorate the dojo window.

Because we got the spirit.

I got the holly-jollies,
and I got 'em bad.

All right. The three of
you are coming with me.

I'm gonna teach you a lesson
about the true spirit of Christmas.

- Ewe!
- What?!

[Groans]

It's the mistletoe Rudy made last year.

What's wrong with it?

He just put ribbon around some
hair he found in a shower drain.

If it gets a girl to kiss
me, I don't care what it is.

Oh, ladies!

[Rock music playing]

- ♪ Don't...
- ♪Don't...

- ♪You...
- ♪You...

♪Get all tough with me!

♪I'm saying...

- ♪Won't...
- ♪Won't...

- ♪You...
- ♪You...

♪Come kick it with me?

♪And we could have a
ball, run up the wall!

♪That's just how we do.

♪And no matter how much I chop and punch
it's not as cool as kickin' it with you.

♪Here we go, let's start the party!

♪Chop it up like it's karate.

♪Everybody!

- ♪Don't...
- ♪ Don't...

- ♪You...
- ♪You...

♪Get all tough with me!

♪I'm saying...

- ♪ Won't...
- ♪Won't...

- ♪You...
- ♪You...

♪Come kick it with me?

♪And we could have a
ball, run up the wall!

♪That's just how we do.

♪And no matter how much I chop and punch
it's not as cool as kickin' it with you.

Santa's Village raises
money for needy kids.

And volunteering is a great way for you
to get in touch with the Christmas spirit.

Oh. I'm all for volunteering, Rudy.

How much does it pay?

[Gasps]

Dude, dude, dude!

- Whoa.
- It's a Road Demon.

No way.

- Oh.
- [Road demon powers up]

Excuse me. That's for needy children.

Oh, that works out.
Because I needy this.

Uh, no, no.

Um, Mr. Elf, I've got three boys
here who would love to volunteer.

Oh, that is really nice.

But we don't need any
more help. [Chuckles]

Just donate to the charity.

Thank you.

How could you not need
any more volunteers?

Can I speak to someone
in upper management?

Perhaps the sugar plum fairy?

Now, listen. I told you guys once...

- Hold on there, Tinsel.
- Yeah.

We can always find room for some
boys who are willing to volunteer.

In your face, tinkle.

Come on, guys.

Mm-hmm. Take a knee, short
stuff. Police business.

I'd like a word with you, Kringle.

When I was in second grade...

All I wanted was a Betty Ballerina Doll.

Instead, all you brought
me was a set of drill bits.

I was seven!

[Chuckles]

You realize I'm not the real Santa.

I'm... I'm just one of his helpers.

I don't care who you are, jolly cheeks.

You're getting me that doll.

Look, we've been over this for an hour.

I don't like your window decorating
idea and you don't like mine.

That's because your
snowman idea is played out.

Yeah. It's not like your
red-nosed reindeer idea.

That's fresh.

You know what?

If you don't appreciate my talents...

Maybe I'll take them somewhere else.

- Fine!
- Buh-bye!

Oh, hey, Kim.

I have the Christmas
spirit all up inside of me.

Phil, look. With my help, you'll have the
greatest Christmas display in the Mall.

And I have an awesome
idea based around...

- This guy.
- [Gasps]

Oh no! It is the dreaded
three-balled Hachmaki Sand Monster!

Get away! [Yelling]

Phil: Oh no! Not again!

Not again!

[Yelling continues]

Your friend's on gift wrap duty.

You two are working the snowball toss.

You give the kids a snowball,
they toss it through the wreath,

and then you give them a candy cane.

- What if they miss?
- You give them a candy cane.

- Wait, doesn't that mean...
- Ball, wreath, cane.

Yeah? Great.

Hey, maybe Rudy was right. You
know, I'm glad we're doing this.

Yeah.

Throw a snowball through the
wreath, you get a free candy cane.

I don't want a dumb candy cane.

I want a Panini.

Oh.

Hey!

- Hey!
- Aah!

[Mouths words]

Oh, no, no, no, no, hon.

Mm. Let me show you.

[Exhales]

Remember... be bold,
and your fold will hold.

[Sighs]

I'm gonna go get more paper.

Aah. What were you doing in there?

The sign says Elves only.
I'm an Elf. You're not.

Technically, you're not so
much an Elf as you are a troll.

- You see, in Christmas legend...
- Give that to me!

The paper in the gingerbread
house isn't yours.

I can get you more paper. [Laughs]

Why don't you just go
back to your station.

Looks like your friend
is in a little trouble.

Hi.

Oh, Lois. What did you do?

I told you you weren't ready
for the double-sided tape.

[Sighs] Phil, did you get
those lights untangled yet?

Phil: No.

And I think I made it worse.

Phil, come on. You gotta
take this seriously.

We're trying to make
my vision come to life.

But I thought we were just going to
do a small traditional Hachmaki...

Change of plans.

We're going big.

What's that smell?

Smell? I don't smell
anything. I... oh. [Sniffs]

Wait, wait, wait. Yes.
Now I'm getting it.

Yeah, it's me. I'm cooking.

Oh! I'm cooking!

[Yelps]

Look at these supplies
I got from my Nana.

Pipe cleaners, glitter...

Glue sticks.

The sky's the limit, baby.

[Truck backing up]

Oh. Here are my supplies.

Yup.

feet of fiber-optic garland,
three voice-activated reindeer,

and , watts of dancing lights
controlled by a computerized motherboard.

Boom! I said boom.

Have fun with your pipe cleaners.

I need help.

Hey, guys. How was volunteering?

It's cool knowing that you're
helping to make a difference.

Well, I'm proud of you guys. You're
finally getting the spirit of Christmas.

Joan: Oh!

All right, everybody, the
whole Mall is on lock down.

High alert! Code green!

[Imitates siren]

Joan...

What's going on?

Somebody stole Christmas
is what's going on.

A bag of presents was
taken from Santa's Village.

What? On Christmas Eve?

Those presents were for needy kids.

Who would do such a...
[road demon whirring]

I can't believe you guys.

Rudy, I know how this
looks, but it wasn't us.

I'll tell you exactly how it looks.

It looks like you're the
kids that stole Christmas.

And according to code ...

If you're caught stealing
from this Mall, you're banned.

All: What?

You heard me. You three
are banned from this Mall.

And that includes this dojo.

Oh, Merry Christmas.

Come on, Joan. You don't believe
for a second we stole those toys.

Have these delinquents clear
their stuff out of the dojo.

[Whimpers]

And while this hurts me, because, oh...

I am going to miss you. [Crying]

If you ever set foot
on these premises...

I will handcuff you to a water
pipe and use my nightstick to...

I think they get it, Joan.

You know what this means.

No more dojo.

I hope it was worth
it for some dumb toy.

Rudy, I can't believe you'd say that.

It's not a dumb toy.

It's a lifestyle.

Hey, where's the remote?

Hang on, if there's no remote, then how
did the Road Demon start up in our locker?

Somebody must have used it from outside
the dojo right when Joan walked in.

Guy, we were set up.

And I bet I know who it was.

Panini boy!

Well, maybe it was Tinsel.

Why him?

I don't know, he's been
acting really weird.

Like, I went to get some wrapping
paper from the gingerbread house.

He grabbed it away from
me like it was gold.

Well, that's it.

We gotta get inside that
gingerbread house and

find out what's so
special about that paper.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

And I know how we can do it.

We can zip line down
from the roof of the Mall,

land behind the house, and eat
our way through the back walls.

Or we could go in through the door.

Who threw that?

I said who threw...

[Spitting]

[Spaghetti western music playing]

There's only one authorized
Santa Claus in this Mall.

Let me see your badges.

Badges?

Badges?

We don't need no stinking badges.

Snowball fight!

[Yelling, grunting]

[Blows raspberry]

I think it's clear.

Not clear.

Three, two, one...

It's magic time, Bobby.

Ho, ho...

Ho.

♪ Dashing through the snow.

♪ Giving nods and winks.

♪ Look at Kim's window.

♪ Man, it really stinks.

Both: ♪ ha ha ha...

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen!

Kim Crawford entertainment
is proud to present...

"Walking in a window wonderland".

Free gingerbread cookies for everyone!

[Crowd cheering]

That's it. Time to take
it to the next level.

Ho, ho...

Ho!

Ho, ho, ho.

Ha ha ha ha.

Ho, ho, ho.

Is that all you've got?

Oh... ho, ho, ho. [Whimpers]

Ho, ho... [yelps]

Whoa! [Electricity shorting]

Bobby: Aah!

[Grunts]

- Oh, look what you did.
- Oh, what I did?

[Overlapping arguing]

Oh. Look.

A big cookie.

I want you in my tummy.

What? Ow! Ow!

Stop eating me, Santa.

And the Kung Pao chicken will do it.

Oh, uh, one more thing,
is Fong working tonight?

No reason.

Oh. [Chuckles]

- Jerry: Joan!
- Oh!

Oh no, you're back.

Oh no, take it easy. I
don't want any trouble.

There's a turkey sandwich in my
purse. Just take it. Just take it!

Joan, Joan. We're not here to rob you.

- Oh.
- Jerry: Yo, check this out.

There's rolls and rolls of
this in the gingerbread house.

- It's just wrapping paper.
- Oh, no it's not.

It's got fake money printed on it.

Oh. I had a roll of toilet
paper like this once.

Dad came over for chili night and
blew through grand. [Chuckles]

We think Tinsel's been removing the real
money from the holiday donation tower

and replacing it with
this counterfeit money.

Wait a minute.

You think he'd have the guts to do
that right under my nose? [Chuckles]

Lots of things have
happened under your nose.

You lost the ATM machine
to The Easter Bunny.

The Thanksgiving day
turkey took your scooter,

- and those leprechauns made off with...
- Okay, can we just go?

The people in this town are so dumb.

They're not gonna find out until
tomorrow that no Christmas is coming.

[Evil laughter]

Uh... sorry, folks, Santa's
Village is closed. [Chuckles]

Evil Elves I get.

But come on, dude. You're Santa Claus.

Get him! [Yelling]

[Joan groans] Oh!

Officer down.

[Grunting]

[Laughing]

[Grunting]

Aah!

[Grunting]

You're exactly what this tree needs.

More tinsel.

Ho, ho, ho.

Bobby!

- Bobby!
- Yeah.

All right, take them away, fellas.

Joan: Ooh. [Sighs]

I never doubted you boys for one minute.

You deserve all the credit.

Did Joan do it?

No, no. Joan didn't
see any of it coming.

Not only did you save Christmas,
you probably saved my job.

Joan, Joan. It's okay.

Do you want to come with us
and get some hot chocolate?

Oh, no, no, no. You guys go ahead.
I gotta write this up in a report.

- Okay. Come on.
- Woo.

Okay.

Santa, Elves, naughty.

Officer Joan...

Saves...

Christmas.

Hey, why's it dark?

In the spirit of competition,
we accidentally blew

the circuit panel out
on this side of the Mall.

No biggie.

I feel bad.

A lot of people came to the Mall to see the
window displays, and we ruined it for 'em.

Phil? Uh, what's all this?

Oh, Rudy.

In Hachmakistan, we express
our joy for the holiday season

with the simple things that remind us of
all that we are blessed with in our lives.

It's beautiful.

See. It's what I was
trying to show you guys.

This is what the spirit
of Christmas is all about.

You know what, Rudy? You're right.

It's not just about getting
presents. It's about this.

Yeah.

Eddie, how about next year
we do a window together?

Yeah, I'd like that.

How about we just go with a
small, simple Christmas Tree?

Or...

Something else.

Okay, everybody.

And now we are going to sing
traditional Hachmaki Christmas song.

"Deck the halls".

- Oh, we love that song.
- Yeah.

♪ Deck the halls with slimy eels.

♪ Fa la la la la la la la la.

♪ Ride the yak until it squeals.

♪ Fa la la la la la la la la.

♪ Camels snorting,
sand crabs scratching.

♪ Fa la la la la la. Fa la la.

Come on. You know the words.

Uh, no. We really don't.

[Humming "deck the halls"]

Bobby, I just wanted to let you know,
you were pretty impressive out there.

Yeah.

Out where?

Well, the fight in Santa's Village.
Yo, you kicked some butt, Bobby.

- Totally.
- Yeah.

I don't know what you're talking about.

I spent the last half hour,

trying to unwedge myself from
the toilet bowl in the dojo.

Did you know there's
no seat on your potty?

Wait, if you didn't help us
during the fight, then who did?

[Sleigh bells ringing]

- Nah.
- No way.

Couldn't be.

[Gasps] It was!

I got my Betty Ballerina!

I got my doll!

Do you see? I got my doll!

I got my doll!

♪ Kickin' it with you!

♪ We wish you a Merry Christmas.

♪ We wish you a Merry Christmas.

♪ We wish you a Merry Christmas.

♪ And a happy new year.

From our kickin' it family to yours,
we wish you a great holiday season.

Snowball fight!

[All cheering]

♪ It's not as cool
as kickin' it with you!