02x14 - A Kept Man

[bunniefuu]

Man, this basketball
is cheap.

It ain't coming back.

What do you expect?
Mom got it free

when she bought the family-size
cheese at cheap Charlie's.

Yeah, I guess
I shouldn't complain.

We wouldn't have skateboards if it
weren't for that sale on mayonnaise.

Moseby.

Ah, young Mr. Cavenaugh.

Haven't seen you
in quite a while.

Where's my mom?

Your mother's charity
luncheon is still in session.

They're debating
the health benefits

of green tea
versus chamomile.

Hope things don't
come to a boil.

Never mind.

Mr. moseby, think you could
open the ice cream bar

a bit early today?

Absolutely not.
There is no--

I could go
for an ice cream.

Consider it open.

Let me call our frozen
confections engineer.

Thanks, man.
That was awesome.

You need anything else?

Yeah. A basketball
that comes back up

after it hits the ground.

Well, why don't you
come back to my place?

I've got dozens of basketballs
and a regulation court.

You have a basketball
court outside your house?

Inside, right next
to the bowling alley.

Tell mom
I'm taking the car.

You have a car?

Well, if you consider
a stretch limo

with a hot tub and a big-screen
tv a car, then yeah.

Dude, where have you
been all my life?

Hot tub. Called it.

♪ Here I am in your life ♪

♪ here you are in mine ♪

♪ yes, we have a suite life ♪

♪ most of the time ♪

♪ you and me,
we got the world to see ♪

♪ so come on down ♪

♪ just me and you
know what to do ♪

♪ so come on down ♪

♪ it's you and me
and me and you ♪

♪ we got the whole place
to ourselves ♪

♪ you and me,
we got it all for free ♪

♪ so come on down ♪

♪ this is the suite life ♪

♪ we've got a suite life ♪

Woman: Now, class,
we will be discussing

the responsibility
that comes with parenthood.

In preparation...

This weekend each of you
will be taking care

of one of these.

We have to take care
of a doll?

Oh, not a doll.

This is a high-tech
baby simulator.

It must be fed,
changed, and nurtured.

Just like a real baby.

And if you don't,
it will cry,

and I will know.

You mean...

No, dear. There's
a recorder inside.

Now, each of you
will be paired

with a partner.

Ooh, can
I have London?

Ooh, no.

I deal with babies
all the time.

This will be a cinch.
Hello, "a."

London, you will be
partnered with maddie.

Good-bye, "a."

It's so cute.

Wow. I'm starting to feel
motherly maternal-type feelings.

[Crying]

It wants you.

Great game, Zack.
You're an awesome player.

Thanks.

Well, I would've done better,
but my gel insoles were leaking.

Cool. Slot cars.

Wow. These trees
are so life-like.

Are those Douglas fir?

No. They're even more rare.
They're plastic.

Man, Zack, you're
tearing up the track.

Thanks.
It's all in the finger.

Cody, why are you
driving so slow?

Well, I don't wanna
exceed the speed limit.

Yeah, you wouldn't wanna
do that in a toy race car.

You might get stopped
by a toy cop.

A toy cop.
Man, that's classic.

Hey, Zack, can you
grab me a soda?

Yeah. Where?

Soda fountain.

Oh, my.

He has a soda fountain
in his room.

Cody: Do you have
passion fruit tea?

No. And I don't have
rice cakes either.

Here you go.

Ooh, and I threw in
a spritz of vanilla for you.

Thanks.

Whoa.

You got the zedtek
game system?

Yeah. You want it?
I don't play it much anymore

now that I've got
the zed in my den.

Thanks, man.
You're awesome.

Hey, cool skateboard.

Take it.
I got just like it.

You wanna go try it out on the
vert ramp I got in the backyard?

Sure.

I've got to go work
on my speech.

But you guys go ahead.

I got to hit
the library anyway.

I'm representing the eighth
grade in a big competition.

So you two go get
your exercise.

I'll be flexing
the old coconut.

Oh, what
a beautiful baby.

Who's the mommy?

Both: We are.

It's a doll.

We're practicing what it's like
to be parents for health class.

I know all about
being a parent.

I remember when Dudley
took his first steps.

Dudley's your pet chicken.

And I remember
his first words, too.

Bawk-bawk-bawk,
bawk! Bawk! Bawk!

Bawk!

What a smart chicken.

I know. Isn't he?

Time to go shopping
for London, Jr.

We are not calling it
London, Jr.

Why not?

Uh, because he's a boy.

How do you know?

Uh, because I've been the
one changing his diapers.

Don't you think we should be
dividing up the responsibilities?

We are. You take care of him
and I buy him stuff.

Yay, London, Jr.

[Crying]

That's not his name.

[Crying]

Now look what you did.

Me?

Ladies, why do you have a
crying baby in my lobby?

It's not a baby. It's
our homework assignment.

Is there any way you can get your
homework assignment to shut up?

We're trying.

She's crying because maddie
woke him up by yelling.

Or maybe he's crying
because you refuse

to feed, change,
or touch him.

Hello. Manicure.

Just give me that.

How do you turn
the thing off?

Oh!

[Crying]

He's not a real baby.

Trust me.
I love children.

Let me hold your baby!

Hey, Cody, wanna
go see a movie?

k*ller koala
opened downtown.

I don't know.

I really got to work
on my speech.

It's very important.

First prize
is a golden tongue.

Come on.

We're talking about cute,
furry, woodland creatures

wreaking havoc
on an unsuspecting public.

Well, I guess
a break won't hurt.

I'll go grab my turtleneck

so I can hide my eyes
during the scary parts.

[Knocking]

Come in.

Oh, hey, Theo, what's up?

I got tickets for the celtics game.
Wanna go?

tickets, huh?

Well, Cody and I were going
to see k*ller koala.

Saw it. He was framed
by the platypus.

These are floor seats.

Are you kidding?

Close enough
for them to sweat on us?

And if we're lucky, bleed.

Ok, I'm in.

Hey, Zack, I brought
my sweater with the big pockets

so we can bring our own
popcorn and save money, too.

Oh, hi, Theo.

Yeah, about that.
Change of plans.

Theo's got tickets
to the celtics game.

Oh, cool. I'll go grab
my "defense" sign.

It's a capital "d"
and then a picket fence.

I only have tickets.

But you would've
been my third choice.

But you have to do
your speech thing,

so it's cool, right?

Uh, yeah. I guess so.

Come on, Zack. We don't
wanna miss sh**t.

I got to tell my mom.

Want my d-fence sign?

That's ok. I've already got my
"I'm a dork" t-shirt in the car.

So, fellow Americans,

look in the mirror
and ask yourself,

"am I happy?"

Like it?

Hmm?

Guess not.

I'm sorry, Cody.
It's just that I'm exhausted.

I was up all night
taking care of the baby.

What baby? I didn't
even know you got married.

Please, Cody, I'm only ,

and I've never
even kissed a boy.

Oh, please.
Save it for the nuns.

I'm talking about
the baby simulator

London and I have to take
care of for health class.

Thank goodness
she's finally helping out.

Maddie, I bought
London, Jr.

The most adorable
cashmere sweater.

It's what all the best-dressed
baby simulators are wearing.

I know it's a little big,

but I figure
he'll grow into it.

Ok. things.

--he's a doll.

He's not growing
into anything.

--where is he?

Calm down. He's fine.
He's with the nanny.

Nanny? You left our baby
with a nanny?

What? I had nannies,
and I turned out just fine.

London, you're missing the
whole point of the assignment.

We're supposed to be taking
care of the baby ourselves

to learn responsibility.

But I am being responsible.

I installed a nanny cam
on the stroller.

Don't you want
your baba?

Look. Nanny Esteban
likes it.

[Crying]

Esteban is our nanny?

The man's best friend
is poultry.

Hey, guys, we're here
for our playdate.

London, I named
my son after you.

For the last time,
his name is lebron.

And guess what.
You're the godmother.

Oh!

Godmother? She can't even
mother her own child.

She handed him off
to a nanny.

Ooh, is she good?
Can I have her number?

This is ridiculous.

We are supposed to be
the ones taking care of him.

But I am taking
care of him.

I didn't see you
starting a trust fund.

Esteban, please bring
over that suitcase.

But I'm with child.

Get over here
with that suitcase

if you wanna be
with paycheck.

Oh, right away, Mr. moseby.

No!
No!

Are you ok?

Thanks. I'm fine.

Not you. The hair
to the tipton fortune.

It's "heir."

And he's fine,
no thanks to you.

So you still think
a nanny's a good idea?

Esteban, you're fired.

As the nanny
or as the bellboy?

As the nanny.

But the day is young.

I've had it with you.

You have the parenting
skills of a toaster.

Tonight I am going
to stay with you

and make sure you start pulling
your weight in this relationship

and take care of our baby.

I'm not gonna let your bad
parenting cost me a grade.

Ok, but after we get
our "a" on this assignment,

I want a divorce.

Fine.

Fine.

So how was the game?

Ah, nothing special.

Really? 'Cause I listened
to it on the radio,

and the celtics won
on a -foot sh*t

in double overtime.

Ho-hum.

So how is the speech
thing coming?

You'll hear Monday night.

Ooh, is it this Monday?

It always has been.

It's been up on
the fridge for weeks.

Well, this Monday
Theo's got tickets

to the Black Eyed Peas
concert.

He and the peas
go way back.

He knew them
when they were the pods.

But I'll bring you back
a fergie bobblehead.

Don't bother.

Have fun with your
new best friend.

Aw, come on, buddy,
don't be like that.

Cody, bone finger?

Ow.

Ok, the bottle and
the milk are heated up.

Now can I feed him?

No. First you have
to test it on skin.

Oh.

Is it ok?

It's fine.

Just feed him.

Sister Dominick had
to pair me with you. Darn nun.

There. I said it.

I cursed a nun,
and I don't care. Darn nun.

[Crying]

Why is he crying now?

Well, he probably has gas.

Babies need to be burped
to get the air out.

You have to lightly
tap him on his back.

Oh.

[Gasps] Hey,
he stopped crying.

I did it. Yay, me.

Remind me not to ask you
to change his diaper.

Hey, Cody,
how's the speech coming?

Great. Thanks.

I've got metaphors,
analogies, and a simile.

I can't wait to hear it. I'm
a sucker for a good simile.

I'm glad someone will be there
because Zack's too busy.

What do you mean?

He only has time
for Theo now.

Ever since he started
hanging out with that guy,

he's become
completely different.

Honey, I think you're
exaggerating a little bit.

Hey, mom, have you seen my gold
watch with the diamond accents?

We need to talk.

You bet we do.

Cody, go to your room.
Work on your speech.

Fine.

But the muse is gone.

What is this? You're not
coming to Cody's speech?

I got plans. Theo and I are
going to see a concert tonight.

But he's been to all the
special events in your life.

He sits there and watches all your
basketball games, all your baseball games--

he's on the team.

Yeah, but he never plays.

And he gave you
a standing ovation

when you won the award for most
improved in remedial math.

It's just one speech, mom.

What's the big deal? I told him
I'd bring him back a bobblehead.

He can't be bought
with a bobblehead.

Now, material things will not
solve all your problems.

Works for Theo.

I had a boyfriend once.

Oh, no. Here it comes.

He used to shower me
with stuff--

rings, bracelets,
necklaces,

clothes, shoes--

and there was this
one pair of earrings--

mom--
sorry.

One day I realized
I really didn't like him.

What I really liked
were the things he gave me.

So you broke up with him?

No. He dumped me.

But that's not the point.

The point is, your friendship
shouldn't be for sale.

So are you saying you're going
to make me miss the concert

and go to Cody's speech?

No. But while you're
disappointing your brother,

I want you to think about whether
or not Theo is a real friend.

So I can go to the concert?

If you think that's
the right thing to do.

So I can go to the concert?

If you really want to.

So I can go to the concert?

If you can live
with yourself.

I can.
Ok.

I'm going.
Then go.

All right.

But...
While you're going,

you think about you're
disappointing your bro--

I have got to get better
at this guilt thing.

[Crying]

[Both groaning]

Maddie, baby.

London, your turn.

I'll give you
a hundred bucks.

I am so tired,

no amount of money
could get me up.

A thousand?

Rise and shine.

[Crying]

Oh, oh, oh, oh.

Here. Now, pay up.

It's ok, London, Jr.

Don't cry.

I don't think asking him
is going to help.

He's been crying
for days straight.

Here.

Get the pacifier.

[Both sigh]

[Crying]

Now what are we gonna do?

I don't know.
Do you have any suggestions?

I mean besides
the Swiss boarding school.

[Knocking]

Ladies, I am getting
all sorts of complaints.

We don't know
what to do.

He won't stop crying.

Fine. Then I'll
tear out its batteries.

Don't you touch our baby.

He's a doll.

You bet he is,

and you're not touching
a hair on his wittle head.

It's not the hair
on his wittle head.

It's just
making it worse.

Just give him to me.

Give him to me.
He wants his mommy.

I'm his mommy, too.

I buy nicer things.
He likes me more.

He likes me more.
I actually take care of him.

You're hurting him.
You're hurting him.

Just let go.

[Whoosh]

I miss that little baby.
He was so cute.

Although the crying
gave me a headache.

Good-bye,
my little London.

For the last time,
his name is lebron.

What did you do,
play hockey with this baby?

No. He fell out
of a window.

We kind of got in a little argument
over our parenting styles.

I guess we got so caught up arguing
that we forgot about the baby.

We were both probably
a little irritable

'cause we hadn't
slept for days.

And the baby didn't
stop crying the whole time.

Until he hit the ground.

The truth is,

we just couldn't
handle it.

We're not ready
to be parents.

So just go ahead
and fail us.

Fail you?

You completely understood
the purpose of this assignment.

A-plus.

London: She had to pair me
with you. Darn nun.

There. I said it.

I cursed a nun,
and I don't care.

Darn nun.
Darn nun. Darn nun.

Kids.

They say
the darndest things.

There you are.
What took you so long?

What took me so long
is that you called me

and asked me to pick up all
this stuff on my way here.

I had to go to stores just
to find your cat's favorite--

caviar and bits.

The new formula?

New formula?

Never mind. We're late
for the concert.

Let's get going.

Yeah. You know, the peas
don't go on until : .

So I was thinking
on the way there,

maybe could we stop by my
school and hear Cody's speech?

Yeah. Then we could go
to the park and watch grass die.

Look, I know
it's not exciting,

but he is my brother,
and it means a lot to him.

Who cares about Cody?
You're hanging out with me now.

Here. Put this
under your shirt.

I wanna tape the concert.

Isn't that illegal?

That's why
it's under your shirt.

You know, I'm not sure I
wanna go anywhere with you.

Fine. Why don't you go hang
out with your lame brother?

My brother may be lame

and a geek and a weenie

and he flosses
between every bite

and--what are we
talking about again?

Oh, yeah.

Theo, you can't
insult my brother

and you can't buy
my friendship.

What are you saying?

I'm saying we're through.

Excuse me.

I only give
jam force maxes to my friends.

Take 'em.

And the sweat suit.

Ok, fine.

And the pants.

Ahem.

I believe
the bling bling is mine mine.

At least now I can
leave with my dignity.

I'm nervous, mom.

What if I get in front
of the audience and freeze up?

Well, there's an old trick
that always worked for me.

Just picture the audience
in their underwear.

Hey, it works.

Honey, where are the rest
of your clothes?

I gave them back
to Theo.

The price was too high.

So you're coming
to my speech?

Absolutely.

So my guilt thing worked?

Yes, mom.

I've learned
things today

is that --
you can't buy friendship,

and --city bus drivers
take pity on you

when you're half naked.