03x08 - The Arwin That Came to Dinner

[bunniefuu]

[Sobbing]

Hey, arwin.

Down?

Yeah, a little.

Well, I was talking
about the elevator,

'cause
we're goin' up.

What's the matter,
arwin?

Nothing. It's
just that mother--

[sobs] And now
she's getting--

and I--I have--
I have to--

monkey sock doll.

So your mom's getting
married and moving out,

and now
you've got to live alone

and have no one to talk to
except your monkey sock doll?

You know me so well.

[Blows nose]

How could mother
just move out?

Who am I gonna go
to the movies with?

We'll go
with you, buddy.

I am
a -year-old man.

I'm not gonna
go to the movies

with little kids.

I wanna go
with my mommy!

♪ here I am in your life ♪

♪ here you are in mine ♪

♪ yes, we have
a suite life ♪

♪ most of the time ♪

♪ you and me,
we got the world to see ♪

♪ so come on down ♪

♪ just me and you
know what to do ♪

♪ so come on down ♪

♪ it's you and me ♪

♪ and me and you ♪

♪ we got the whole place ♪

♪ to ourselves ♪

♪ you and me,
we got it all for free ♪

♪ so come on down ♪

♪ this is the suite life ♪

♪ we've got a suite life ♪

[Gasps] Lance!

I am so excited
about our dinner date.

Look at
what I'm gonna wear.

This is
for the appetizer,

this is for the entree,

and this is for
the after-dinner mint.

See? It's mint green.

Look, London, there's...

No easy way for me
to tell you this.

I'm breaking up
with you.

Wow. I don't think
I have an outfit for that.

No, what you're wearing
is fine.

Oh, thanks.

Fine for what?

For me breaking up
with you.

You were serious
about that?

You're breaking up
with me?

But I'm rich
and beautiful!

That's true,
but I just don't think

we have that much
in common.

You just agreed that
I was rich and beautiful!

That's true.

Isn't that enough?

I'm sorry, London.

I hope we can
still be friends.

Maybe not close friends.

Hey, arwin. You've been
working on that sink all day.

Don't you want to take
a break and go home?

Oh, no, I should
really stay here

and--and fix this.

But it wasn't broken
when you got here.

Oh! Well...

It is now.

Mom, he doesn't
want to go home.

He misses
his mommy.

Which I don't get
at all.

Ahem. At his age.

We should invite
him to dinner.

It'll make him
feel better.

Well, I do have
enough wheat loaf

to go around.

Wheat loaf?

We want him
to cheer up,

not throw up.

Man, enough
with the health foods.

You're killin' us.

Now, you boys
should be grateful

to eat food
made by your mother.

You might want to taste it
before you say that.

Are--are you--are you
inviting me to dinner?

Oh, that is so sweet,
really,

but you know what?
I shouldn't impose.

I really shouldn't,
but if you insist...

See?

Arwin, we
would be delighted

if you would
stay for dinner.

Oh! I almost forgot.

Mother always says,

"wash your hands
before dinner."

[Toilet flushes]

She also said, "never
forget to flush," so...

Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah.

Clean-plate club.
I get dessert.

In your face.

Actually,
it's on your face.

Man, that wheat loaf.

Just goes
right through me.

[Toilet flushes]

Carey, can I help you
with the dishes?

Why, thank you,
arwin.

How thoughtful
of you.

I always used
to do 'em with mother.

She'd wash,
I'd dry.

She'd tell me
I missed a spot

and then smack me
with the dishtowel.

Oh, I miss her.

Mom, smack him
with a dishtowel.

I'm not
going to do that.

Well, maybe arwin
can stay here tonight.

Great idea.

Hey, arwin.

You can stay here
tonight, can't you?

Yeah, can't you?

Please, mom, please?
Please, mom, please?

But he doesn't
have his pajamas.

Yes, I do.

You wear your pajamas
under your clothes?

Well, if I wore them
over my clothes,

you'd think
I was weird.

Ok, I guess one night
wouldn't hurt,

but it's lights out
for everybody at : .

o'cl--

yes! I get to stay up
an extra hours!

Here's
your change, sir,

and I hope
you were satisfied

with your
excellent service.

Thanks!

more of those,
and I can put a down payment

on a pack of gum.

Nia, this
is a -star hotel!

Yeah, and that's
a -star cheapskate.

Oh...

Moseby!
Lance just dumped me.

Throw him
in the tipton dungeon.

For the last time,

we don't
have a dungeon.

Well, then
what's that room

in the bottom
of the hotel?

That's the basement.

Well, if
that's the basement,

then why is there a
fire-breathing dragon in it?

That's the furnace.

Uncle Marion,
this is girl talk.

Why don't you
go feed the dragon?

Aha! So
there is a dragon.

You know, London,
I've been dumped before.

Oh, there's a shock.

I'm not like you.

I've never
been the dumpee.

I've always
been the dumper.

One more cr*ck,

and you're gonna
be in the dumpster.

This just
doesn't make any sense.

I mean, why would anyone
want to break up with me?

I don't know.
You're selfish,

superficial, don't
really listen to anybody.

No. Can't think
of a thing.

I need someone
to snoop, pry,

and weasel information
out of him.

Hmm. Well,
I can snoop and pry,

but, uh, heh heh...

Weaseling's gonna cost ya.

Oh. How about
a diamond necklace?

That'll work.

See?

Now, that's a tip.

Good night, Zack.
[Kiss]

Good night, Cody.
[Kiss]

Both: Good night, mom.

Ahem.

Good night, arwin.

Hey, uh, kiss
the sock monkey.

Hey, are you
gonna read a story?

Mother always
reads me a story.

Yeah, mom used
to read us stories, too.

Then we turned .

You're never too old
for a classic.

The little engineer
that could.

Let me guess.
It's about a hotel engineer

that thought
he couldn't fix something,

and then he can.

[Gasps]
You saw the movie!

Wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait.

"Once upon a time,
there was a hotel engineer.

I'm a hotel engineer,
he said"--

no, no, no, no.
D-do the voice.

What voice?

The hotel engineer
voice.

[Enunciating]
It sounds like this.

"I'm a hotel engineer,
he said.

"I have lots of--"
that's it.

That's the-- that's the voice.
That's it.

"I have lots of tools.

"I have screwdrivers
and hammers

"and pliers and wrenches

and saws and clamps and"--

arwin, does this book
just list tools?

[Snoring]

Arwin?

Hey, hey, wait!

You forgot
nails and screws--

ok, ok, ok, ok.

[Both groan]

Oh, hey, Lance.

How come you and I

have never had
a nice long chat?

Because you said
I creep you out.

Oh, you took that
to heart?

So I heard
you and London broke up.

Uh, how come?

Oh, you know, I really
don't like to talk

about my private life,
'cause if I do,

then it's not...

Private.

You like yummy worms?

It's my favorite
worm snack.

So...Why did you
break up with her?

I met someone else.

So, what's her name?

You know, I really
don't feel comfortable

talking about Wanda.

And where
did you meet her?

I don't see how
it really matters.

At the Halibut hangout.

She's a hostess/mermaid.

You're
dating a mermaid?

Oh, I'm sorry.

Mer-person.

Yeah, whatever.

You guys want dessert?

I made
cauliflower cobbler.

Ha ha ho!

You know what,
though?

I am totally
wiped out.

Arwin kept waking me up

to check under his bed
for monsters.

And when
arwin's not awake,

he sings
in his sleep!

"The right flange
connected to the...

"Left flange.

"The left flange
connected to the...

Flush valve"--

well, that
could be annoying.

Oh, I'm not
finished yet.

"The flush valve
connected to the...

" / -inch rubberized
t*nk gasket.

Them valves, them valves,
them valves."

Well, arwin's
back at his house,

and tonight we'll all
catch up on our sleep.

[Knock on door]

Hey! I'm here to fix
that flushing sink.

Uh, uh, I-I-it's ok.

It can wait
till tomorrow.

Oh, that's perfect!

I'll just
sleep over again

and get a fresh start
in the morning.

Oh.

I forgot the p.J.S.

A mermaid? He's
dating a mermaid?

[Growling, panting]

[Ripping]

Uh, whoa.
You're pretty strong

for someone who's
never lifted a finger.

Oh! This is terrible.

How could I possibly
compete with a mermaid?

She could take him to the
underwater city of Atlantis.

He's always
wanted to go there.

London, I'm guessing

she's not
an actual mermaid.

I'm not paying you
to guess.

Is she
or isn't she?

I'm gonna
go with "no."

Ok. So if
she's not a mermaid,

I can
still get him back.

I want you to find
that fake fish-girl

and have her
in the lobby

when Lance comes
to work on Saturday.

You know, that would
be a lot easier if, uh,

I had some earrings to
match my new necklace.

Oh, that
makes sense. Here.

When she sees me
in Lance's arms,

that water-logged wench
will swim away

with her tail
between her legs.

How you gonna get Lance
back in your arms?

Where there's a gill,
there's a way.

Sit up. Sit up.

Good dog.

Carey, can you make me
a rhinoceros pancake

like mother does--

did?

Comin' right up.

Get rid of him!

You know, arwin,

it has been absolutely
awesome having you here

for the past...Week.

It's only
been days.

Really? Only days?

Mm-hmm.

But it's been packed
with a week's worth of fun.

Look, arwin, you have this
great opportunity at home.

You have an awesome
bachelor pad

now that
your mother's gone,

mother's gone!

Where's my
rhinoceros pancake?

Ok, ok, ok. Here.

That's not
a rhinoceros!

That's a hippo.

I didn't have enough
batter for the horn.

[Sobbing]

There, there.

What I was
trying to say is,

at home, you could
have a party every night

with lots
of cute girls.

Everything there
reminds me of mother.

So just throw it
all out.

You mean throw away
her knickknacks?

Or...Or...Or...

We can just pack up
her knickknacks

and put 'em in a box.

We're gonna
need a bigger box.

There are,
like, what,

maybe a thousand
owls in here?

Yeah, well, you know, mother
took most of 'em with her

when she left, so...

Arwin,
don't all these eyes

starin' at you
all the time

kinda creep you out?

Nah. Not really.
Just--

you really just can't
look 'em in the eye--eye.

Look, arwin.
This is gonna be great.

You could change this
apartment completely.

You mean take out
all these owls

and replace them
with something cool,

like--like
squirrels.

You know, as good
as that idea is--

'cause I saw
this squirrel clock.

And every hour,

a cute little
squirrel comes out

and bangs
walnuts together.

You know what?
That's awesome,

but I was thinkin'
more like a pool table,

or air hockey,
a big-screen tv,

things girls like.

Oh, I see where you guys
are goin' with this,

but, uh, I don't see any girl
knockin' on my door any time soon.

[Knock on door]

Hi, arwin.
Do you have any sugar?

Nope.

Arwin, wasn't
that a girl?

Oh, I--I--

yep.

Then why did you slam
the door in her face?

Why should I
give her my sugar?

Because you might get
some "sugar" back.

Well, if she just gives me
the same sugar back,

then what's the point?

This is ridiculous!

Well, it's the only way
I can get Lance back.

Now put on
a little diver's outfit

and stand
by the treasure chest.

No, I will not do it.

Now get out of there
immediately

or I will
call your father.

Oh, good! Then
I can mention to him

you called in sick to attend
that pocket-hanky convention.

[Gasps]
Swim safely.

But I
will need Norman,

my bearded doorman,
back.

Fine! But I'm
keeping the bell-hop.

[Sighs]

Hey, London.

Hey, sailor.

London.

You look beautiful.

Did you do something
different with your hair?

No, I'm a mermaid.
See my tail? Look.

Aah!
Ow, I fell on my Booty.

Aaaah!

London!

Are you ok?

[Sighs]

I'm ok now.

See? I told you
it was over

between
you and Lance.

I can't believe
he's two-tailing me!

Well, believe it,
honey.

He's back
with London.

That's
what you think.

Aaah!

Wanda!

Are you ok,
my little angel fish?

Get your hands off me,
you bottom-feeder.

No. No, no. You
don't understand.

I--I was just
helping her up.

Yeah, right.

How could you
have thrown yourself

all over that
stringy-haired squid?

[Gasps] Oh, no,
she didn't.

What?

Who you callin'
stringy-haired,

you scaly-skinned
freak?

Mm-hmm.

At least my sea shells
aren't fake.

Oh, now,
that's cold.

Oh, it's on.

Bring it.

[Gasps]

[Girls screaming]

[Crowd shouting]

[Girls screaming]

So much
for that barracuda.

Oh, yeah,
blowfish?

[Crowd groans]

What do you think
we should do?

I don't know about you,

but I'm takin' pictures
for the global inquirer.

No need for
a lawsuit, Wanda.

Put a little
tartar sauce on it,

and your recovery
will go swimmingly.

How is she?

Mmm. Slightly
strained fin.

I didn't mean for it
to go that far.

I just wanted
to win you back.

But why?

I mean, did you really
think that some day

we were gonna get married
and have guppies?

Of course not.
All you like to do is swim.

Well, all you
like to do is shop.

Hello? Shopping.

Hello? Swimming.

I guess the truth is,

you're a water sign
and I'm a dollar sign.

Lance?

I think we need
to break up.

But I already broke--

don't make this harder
than it needs to be.

But--
stop begging.

I don't know--
it's over.

But when--
please!

Let's just end this
with a little dignity.

Wow.

My eye for color

is astounding.

You know,
I really think this place

is gonna help arwin,
I don't know, grow up.

Arwin?

What are you doing?

Nothing. I was just
waiting for mister squirrel.

It's almost : .

That clock was so
not part of my vision.

So, what
should we do first

to break in my new
bachelor pad, huh?

I was thinkin'
a foosball tourney.

Then we'll fire up
the buffalo-wing maker.

Ooh, I have this
new ranch dip recipe

that I've been
dying to try out.

Great!

I mean, how could
things get any better?

[Knock on door]

Excuse me.

Hi, arwin.
Sorry to bother you,

but I was thinking,
since your mother moved out,

you might be needing
a nice, home-cooked meal.

It's lasagna.

I've layered the cheeses
alphabetically.

Asiago, brie,

cheddar, doppelrhamstufel,

edam, feta, gorgonzola--

no, thanks.

I'm doppelrhamstufel
intolerant.

Arwin!

Uh...

Won't you
come in, enid?

And bring your
multitude of cheeses.

Wow!

This place
looks amazing.

Thank you.
Thank you.

Oh, I love
this squirrel clock.

Huh?

And it's so nice

not having those
beady, vicious eyes

watching your
every move. Grrr.

Yeah, those owls could
get a little creepy.

Oh, no. I was talking
about your mother.

No offense.
Oh, none taken.

She did have a habit
of never blinking.

You look very...

Handsome tonight,
arwin.

Oh. Thank you,
enid.

I--I--I like the way
the tape on your glasses

matches your shoes.

[Both laugh]

Who's up
for some foosball?

I need a goalie.

Shouldn't you guys
be headin' home?

It's gettin'
a little late, isn't it?

No.

It's only : ,

and you still
haven't tried the dip.

You're the dip.

Don't you see that
they want to be alone?

Oh...

Our little arwin
is grown up.

So, enid.

We're, uh,
finally alone.

I know.

Hey, Norman.
Nice outfit.

Love the pitchfork.

Thank you, boys.

It's a trident,
and I think

he's supposed
to be Neptune.

I think he's
from Neptune.

By the way, Zack,

what did you do
with all those owls?

Oh, I found a home
for them.

[Owls hooting]

Aah! Aaaah!