03x19 - Benchwarmers

[bunniefuu]

We would be delighted to host
scooter's birthday party.

Yes, we can provide
a clown. Mm-hmm.

Play hide and seek.

Oh. Scooter's .

Well, then,
we won't make him seek.

[Laughs] Yes.

[Stammers]

Mm-hmm. Right.

Yes. Very well, then.
Tomorrow.

Mm-hmm.

This never has
a good answer,

but what are you doing?

Our science project.

Zack and I have to find
and identify microbes

in our home environment.

That's right. So,
let the boy do our work.

Maybe you should work
on leaving.

I have a very important
hotel guest coming.

Who is it--the President of the
pocket hankie association?

No.

And it's not an association.
It's a club.

Coming through!

Whoa! Do you know who you are?

Tony hawk?

Yes!

Good, because
that's the name

I made
the reservation under.

Give me some space.

Are you going to do
another cool trick?

No. I have to sneeze.

Here. Use
my schnozzola .

[Sneezes]

Awesome. We can use your
snot for our project.

No, no, no.
That's a waste.

This is celebrity snot.

We can sell it
on the Internet.

Ok, but I'm
not signing it.

♪ here I am in your life ♪

♪ here you are in mine ♪

♪ yes, we have
a suite life ♪

♪ most of the time ♪

♪ you and me,
we got the world to see ♪

♪ so come on down ♪

♪ just me and you
know what to do ♪

♪ so come on down ♪

♪ it's you and me ♪

♪ and me and you ♪

♪ we got the whole place
to ourselves ♪

♪ you and me,
we got it all for free ♪

♪ so come on down ♪

♪ this is the suite life ♪

♪ we've got a suite life ♪

Maddie?

I need
to talk to you.

You know when I said a squirrel
can b*at you in debate?

I was talking about one of
those genius squirrels.

Oh, yeah!
I've heard of them!

Anyway,
I'm not mad at you.

Then why are you waving
a sword around?

Oh! Daddy's arranged
for me to take

a private fencing class
for my p.E. Credit.

I don't like poor girls
sweating on me.

Well, this poor girl doesn't
want to bleed on you.

Oh! Oh! But--but--

get that thing
away from me!

But I need a fencing
partner to stick!

Ok. Call me wacky,
but I have no desire

to be around you
and sharp objects.

[Scoffs]

Ready to start
your lesson?

[Gasps]

En garde!

Hey, guys,
your choice--

shall I try a new recipe
for liver, or order pizza?

All: Pizza.

I'll order.

You know, I was reading
my text book last night--

whoa, whoa, whoa.

You were reading
a textbook?

I'm so proud!

No, no. Not you.

Although if you get that pizza
here in under minutes,

we'll talk.

Did you know that there are
more germs on a telephone

than a toilet seat?

I used
a phone today!

And a toilet!

They're getting you
from both ends.

Ugh. And you don't even want
to know about your pillow.

What?
What about my pillow?

It has a million
little dustmites.

[High-pitched voice] Party over here!
Party over there!

Let's all eat
Cody's hair!

[Laughs]

I got to shampoo!

[Chuckling]

Stop torturing
your brother.

Look who's talking.
You almost made liver.

Good point.

So, remember,

the most important thing
in fencing

is the grip.

Hold it as you would
hold the hand

of a lover.

Good. But I meant with the foil.

Oh.

Help me?

[Gasps]
Your hands are so...

Strong.

Now, today,

Diego will teach you

the parry,
and then the lunge.

[Gasps] I love going
to Paris for lunch!

No. It's...

Parry

and lunge!
[Gasps]

Bravo! Bravo!

Double bravo!

One must always keep
an eye...

On the target.

Oh, I am.

Diego will show you.

Madeline, why don't you...
Come at me?

[Squeaks]

I meant
with the foil.

Oh. That.
[Chuckles]

Mm-hmm.

Oh!

Ok, I'm dead.
Give me mouth-to-mouth.

You know...

Diego--
[Laughs]

You and I have
a lot in common.

My name is London,
which has a big clock,

and you're wearing
a watch!

Oh! That reminds me.

Diego is late for
his acupuncture appointment.

Acupuncture?
Yes.

He sticks me.
I stick him back.

We have fun.

Adios!
[London gasps]

Hasta lasagna!

[Both sigh]

I cannot
believe you.

[Imitates london] Diego,
your hands are so...

Strong.

I couldn't help it.
He is hot.

H-o-t. Hot.

I'm going to date him.
You can't date him.

Why? Because I'm
going to date him.

Too late. We're going
to get married,

buy a big villa, and
live in a cappella.

People sing
a cappella.

He lives in acapulco.

That's what my
sweater's made of.

That's alpaca.

Ok, look,

I think, in the interest
of our friendship,

neither of us
should date him.

You're right. You
shouldn't date him

because
you're my friend.

And I should date him
because you're my friend.

No, no, no. Let me
say this slowly.

Neither one of us
dates him.

Got it. Neither one
of us dates him.

Except for me.
[Scoffs]

Are you doing this on purpose?
Doing what?

Completely ignoring
everything I'm saying.

Doing what?
[Sighs]

Ok. I'm going to say it
one more time.

You don't date him.
I don't date him.

He doesn't date you,
he doesn't date me.

Both London and maddie
don't date Diego.

Diego doesn't date
London or maddie.

Neither one of us
dates Diego.

I got it. I mean, what do
you think I am, stupid?

Ow!

I'm sure your father
will be very pleased

with the food you choose
for his birthday party.

Well, it does have
to be special.

After all, he is
Boston's oldest citizen.

Yes. At , I guess
his last big celebration

was the Boston
tea party.

[All laugh]

Now, chef paolo.

You must now try
my most delightful creation.

I call it chef paolo's
most delightful creation.

Oh.

Mmm! Mmm!

Oh, that sauce
is incredible!

If you don't mind
my asking,

what's in it?

Tomato, zucchini,
green pepper, onion,

garlic, chive, black
pepper, red wine, vinegar

olive oil,
virgin olive oil,

extra virgin olive oil,

olive oil with
a questionable past,

lemon juice,
dill weed, celery seed,

mustard seed, mustard
flower, honey, sugar,

and a little secret
something for taste.

Oh! Um, would you mind
repeating that?

I'm--I'm having guests
over later.

Certainly. Tomato,
zucchini, green--

say "pepper"
and your life is over.

Excuse me. Oh! Oh!

Uh, why is this boy
wearing a mask

and gloves?

Well,
it's the fashion.

You know, it's like sideways
caps and baggy pants.

Well, now, it's gloves
and surgical masks.

You know, it's hip.

No it's not.

He's just afraid
of germs.

Well, the only germs
in my hotel are you two.

Well, we'll find out.

We're on our way
to the kitchen

to look for samples
right now.

Oh!

For bacteria
and other gross stuff.

[Chuckles] My kitchen is the
cleanest in all of Boston.

You could eat
off the floor,

although people seem
to prefer a plate.

Maddie,
ready for our lesson?

Yes, and
I've been practicing.

Ha!
Oh!

I am defenseless against
your candy sword.

[Chuckles]

Diego must confess,

he enjoys spending
much time with you.

[Giggles]
Really?

Immensely much.

Really?!
[Chuckles]

Really.
[Gasps]

[Laughs]

Well, you know,
maybe we could...

[Sighs]
No. No, I can't.

Can't what?

Oh, who am I kidding?
Want to go out?

Yes! [Laughs]

Diego's heart
is now soaring like--

yeah, yeah, yeah. Let's
just not tell London, ok?

My lips...Are sealed.

[Giggles]
Say, -ish?

-ish.

[Sighs]

Your accent
is so cute!

[Squeals]

Hey, Diego!
Did maddie leave?

Yes. She--
good. Let's go out.

-ish?
[Gasps] Great.

But don't tell
maddie.

Oh, you have my word.
[Chuckles]

No, if you'll excuse me,
I must go...

To the little fencer's room.
Ok.

Cody, would you
come help me?

I'm tired of doing all
the work on our project.

Oh. Never said that
before.

I'll help as soon as I'm
done washing my hands.

Cody, enough! You started
washing them half an hour ago.

You're not going to have
any skin left.

Ok. I'm done.
No one touch me.

How about we don't talk
to you, either?

Hey, you got your
quirks too, Zack,

like...Never washing
your hands.

Well, I will
after touching this gunk

we got from
chef paolo's kitchen.

It makes me want to puke.

So cool.

It's the scariest thing
I've ever seen.

How scary?

Scarier than the guy who asked
mom out at the carnival.

Oh, that was scary.

But I'm a sucker for a
big stuffed animal.

It's just
what I thought.

The swab we took from the
hotel kitchen is black mold.

Black mold? That's one
of the worst kinds,

especially if inhaled.

I'm taking a shower
and I'm never coming out!

Oh!

Honey,
you can't do that!

You have to learn
to deal with your fear.

Like I did, when I found
out I was having twins.

Fyi--there's about a billion
germs in that bathroom.

How are you going
to avoid them?

I guess that's one way.

I don't know whether
to laugh at you

or to roast you
over a campfire.

This happens to be
a hermetically sealed suit.

It keeps all the germs out,
including black mold.

Unfortunately,
it also keeps all odors in,

so no beans with dinner.

[Sighs] Man,

I got to tell everybody
about this.

Oh, you're right. Mr. moseby needs
to know about the black mold.

No. I meant
how stupid Cody looks.

But I guess
I could mention the mold.

See, now, sweetie,
this is why

I don't want you shopping
for clothes by yourself.

Don't you remember
Halloween ?

I went as the fat ghost.

A few minor adjustments,
a fish bowl,

and voila!

You--you are going to take
that off, though, right?

Never.

Ok. Uh, Cody,
think about this.

If you stay in there, you science
grade is going to depend

on Zack's homework.

No, it won't.

I can do anything in this
suit that I could do before.

Really.

Really.

Except that.

Hey, London. What did
you do last night?

Oh, nothing.

Just stayed home and
counted my diamonds.

What did you do?

Oh, nothing.

Just stayed home and
counted my siblings.

Hey! Isn't that
Diego's handkerchief?

What makes you
think that?

The big "d."

That stands for...

"Dis is
my handkerchief."

Liar. Diego had it
last night at dinner.

[Sighs] Ok.
Maybe he did.

[Gasps] Wait!
How do you know that?

Uh...I read it in moseby's
handkerchief magazines.

Liar, liar,
hankie on fire.

You agreed we wouldn't date him.
So did you.

Yeah, but I lie all the time,
whereas you're honest.

Well, at least
you used to be.

How can you live
with yourself?

[Scoffs] How can you
date my boyfriend?

Diego's in love with me.
He told me--

[imitates diego] The sun
rises just to see me.

[Scoffs] Well,
he told me--

[imitates diego] I outshine
the moon and the stars.

Well, he told me that

in the forest, the
trees whisper my name.

Yeah. They whisper,
"have you seen

that pasty-faced bean
pole maddie Fitzpatrick?"

[Gasps]

Those are fighting words.

Then we'll duel
for Diego.

En gardie.

It's en garde.

Wow. Diego is impressed

with how far
the students have come.

[Grunts]

Whoo!

Impressed,
and almost headless!

Paris! Thrust!

Where are you going?

Woman: Maid!
Maddie: Sorry!

Diego will join you!

Mrs. rittenhouse,
are you sure

you want your father's
dinner served at : ?

Seems
a little early.

Yes, but he is .

We don't want to take a
chance and wait till : .

Good point.

Uh, Mr. moseby?
Hmm?

I need to speak with you
privately.

Why don't you have your
mother write me a check

for whatever you broke,
and we'll call it a day?

[Chuckles]

No, actually,
it's about the kitchen.

I found something
bad in there.

[Chuckles] Kids these days.
Bad means good.

[Laughs] Hold on to that for a second.
Excuse us.

Define bad.

Well, I think
it's black mold.

Black mold!

Did you hear that?
Black gold! [Chuckles]

Yes! We struck oil!
We're rich! [Laughs]

[Elevator dings]

It's all right.
I'll take the next one.

London: Stop moving!
You're making me miss!

Uh, no.

[Both grunting]

Maddie? London?

Both: Cody.

[Grunting]

Parry! Thrust!

[Indistinct]

Stairs.

Gracias.

Andiamo.

Smile! You're serving my food!

Chef paolo, there's black
mold in your kitchen.

[Screams]

Ok. That sound I just
made scared even me.

I guess now is not the
best time to tell you

that the newspaper is here to
cover the old man's party.

[Screams]

Ok. That sound scared me
even more than my sound.

Oh!

Oh, this is
a nightmare.

Well, on the bright side,

I'm probably going to get
an "a" in science.

What? You can't be
happy for Zack?

No.

No one must find out
about the black mold.

[Puffing]
Try again.

Oh. Why don't we
just rest a while?

[Chuckles] Ahh.

The kitchen
has black mold?

[All gasp] The chicken
has a bad cold?

No. No.
I said black mold.

Ok. Everybody,
stay calm.

There is a perfectly
logical explanation

as to why there would be
black mold in our kitchen.

Oh.
Anyone?

Uh, black mold's
the name of my band.

Rock on!
Rock on!

People, I assure you, there is
absolutely no danger in this hotel.

Cody:
Mr. moseby?

I need to speak
with you right away.

[Gasps] Why is that
marshmallow talking?

I've got
some good news.

You're going to be in the
Thanksgiving day parade this year?

No. I double checked
your work,

and what you thought
was black mold

is actually
a harmless variety

commonly found
in aged cheese.

You know what? I must have
looked at the wrong picture,

and now that
you mention it,

I did swab
some blue cheese.

Oh, well, no harm,
no foul, eh, buddy?

No harm, no foul?

Because of
your stupid project,

I nearly shut down
this hotel.

Hey!

This is the first time
that Zack has displayed

any interest in science.

I'd prefer
you not yell at him.

My bad.
Thank you.

Ladies and gentlemen,

it was a false alarm.
[Laughs]

Sorry for the scare.

There's a bear?
Ok!

No, no! No, no.
No. No, no, no.

No. There's no bear
and there's no mold.

Look, the tipton hotel
is an elegant oasis,

free of any kind of danger.
[Elevator bell dings]

[Both grunting]

I'm going to slice you
into London broil.

And I'm going to cook you into
something with maddie in it.

[Grunting]

The entertainment is here!

Where did you go?

I'm right here!
Diego's mine.

No, he's mine!
Oh, don't worry.

There's plenty of Diego
to go around.

Mr. moesby!

Ohh!
Never mind.

[Maddie screaming]
Oh!

They also do weddings
and bar mitzvahs.

Take that,
poor girl!

Take that, rich girl. [Grunts]

Gotcha!

Missed me!
[Both grunting]

[Screams]

[Indistinct]
Do not cut my cake!

[All grunting]

Hey! Surfer dude!

[Both gasp]

[Both grunting]

Cody:
Watch the suit.

Watch the suit!
Watch the--

oh! Oh!
You got the suit.

[Grunts]

Oh, wait.
Time out. Time out.

[Both panting]

I am exhausted

with a capital "x."

And I'm too pooped
to parry.

Diego! Just tell us
who you like best.

Yeah. Who?

You are both
very lovely.

Oh!

But the truth is, Diego has a
girlfriend back in Indiana.

[Gasps]

Then why did you date
the two of us?

Because Diego is like
a fine sports car.

He cannot just sit in a garage.
[Chuckles]

Well, Mr. sports car,

you're about to get
a dent in your bumper.

Oh!

En garde!

Aah!
[Both grunt]

[All grunting]

Oh!

[Both panting]

We should never let a guy
come between us again.

You're right.

The next time we meet
a cute guy we both like,

let's handle it
the mature way.

Rock,
paper, scissors?

Works for me.
[Gasps]

Dibs on rock!

It's all yours.

Oh, no.

Honey, are you ok?

Well, he looks a little
deflated to me! Ho ho!

Germs are getting in.

Help me patch
my suit with, uh...

Pat!

That's hummus. Who is
that going to help?

You just said
there was no black mold.

Why do you want
to patch the suit?

Because of all the other
germs in the world,

and the fungus
and the dust mites and--

honey,
you're overreacting.

No, I'm not.
You're inside a fish bowl.

Mom, don't tap the glass.
It freaks me out.

Well,
you're freaking me out.

Look, I know there's a lot of
scary things in the world,

but you can't live
your life in a bubble.

Maybe you can't,
but I'm perfectly comfy.

[Sighs]
All right.

I'm not going to force you
out of the suit,

mostly because
I can't find the zipper.

But I want you to think
about all the fun things

you're going
to be missing.

Hey, I got all the fun
I'll ever need

right here
in my bubble.

Hey, guys, I'm going skating.
Want to come?

Duh!

Unless your brother would
rather go deep-sea diving.

Oh, yeah. I'm sorry.
Cody can't go.

Why not?

Sweetie,
do you have any idea

how many germs there
are in a skate park?

[Hisses]
Who cares?

I'm going skating
with Tony hawk!

Take the goldfish out of the
coffeepot and put him back in this.

Dad,
where are you going?

I'm going skateboarding
with Tony hawk.

I want to feel the wind
whistle through my scalp.

Wear your helmets!
Wear your helmets!

Guys:
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Both: , , .

Rock!
♪ I did paper ♪

Oh!

I can't believe
I always lose.

Guess I'm psychic.
[Giggles]