02x10 - Royals

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Detroiters". Aired: February 2017 to August 2018.
"Detroiters" revolves around two local ad men who make low budget commercials in Detroit.
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02x10 - Royals

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[funky music]

♪ ♪

Better Made Chips. Can you believe it?

Sam, we won the biggest
advertising award in the city.

Did we earn it?

No, but we gotta ride this wave.

Yeah, we can't go back
to pitching mom and pop

furniture stores.

Yeah, and we won't.

In the past month,
we've pitched Shinola.

- t*nk it.
- Bell Tire.

- We chunked it.
- Quicken Loans.

- Cried in the room.
- Downriver Ale.

Yeah, we haven't heard yet,
but I feel really good

- about that one.
- Yeah, it was, like,

- our best pitch in months, man.
- [phone pings]

- It was really good.
- It's a no.

God damn it!

Open on an elementary school cafeteria.

It's lunch time,
and fifth graders are doing

what fifth graders do.

Yeah, yeah, yeah,
"I'll trade you my apple

for your carrot sticks."

"Oh, I'll trade you my
bologna sandwich for your PB&J."

Then the kids pulls out a bag
of Better Made Potato Chips.

A silence falls over the room.

We see the principal walking
towards the boy.

Then cut to... we see
the kid driving away

in a brand new Cadillac.

As the principal eats
the kid's Better Made Chips.

Better Made Chips:
the ultimate bargaining chip.

- [laughs]
- [chuckles]

Very nice.

It's just not the direction
we wanna go into right now.

[chuckles] Uh, really? A no?

We just gave you a slam dunk pitch

followed by a homerun tagline.

- It was very nice.
- Aw, yeah,

but it's not the direction
you wanna go in.

You want something a little edgier.

Yeah, maybe something like,
"Better Made Potato Chips,

we're missing out on a good thing here."

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Or "Better Made Chips:
go f*ck yourself."

- Well, very funny joke, Tim.
- No.

Tim writes all of our jokes.

Damn it, we needed that one.

I know, buddy. We'll get the next one.

Yeah, but what if we don't
get the next one?

Well, then we'll get
the next one after that.

[funky music]

♪ ♪

- Is that Angel?
- Yeah.

- What up, Proper?
- Sup, sup, what up?

No, hello, how are you?

This is how I talk,
so I don't need to feel...

Sam, I'm pregnant.

- Good for you.
- It's yours.

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪

♪ Next time ♪

♪ When they ask you ♪

♪ Where you're from ♪

♪ You gon' say Detroit city ♪

♪ When we get back on our feet, yeah ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

Oh, my God.

I'm gonna be a dad.

All right, it's all good.

Whatever you need, I'm here for you.

Whatever you need.

What do you need?

Okay, I'm spinning out, I think.

It's like I've got a headache.
Actually, you know what?

My stomach hurts... actually,
actually, no, physically,

I'm fine. I think this is just more of

- a mental thing, you know?
- Okay.

You know, I'm good. I'm fine.

- I should go tell my dad though.
- We should for sure

- tell your dad.
- [vomits, burps]


You're okay, you're okay. You're okay.

You all right?

All right, that was a big one.

- Look at that, stinky.
- I know, it just kept coming.

Hey, Tim. [chuckles]

Samuel, what do I owe
this unexpected pleasure?

Dad, uh, can I talk to you in private?

Of course, of course.

Darren, give this man anything he wants.

- Darren, no alcohol.
- [groans]

Okay, well, do you guys have Jolt?


Do you have Surge? Thank you.

How do you know it's yours?

Well, we're taking a test, but...

I didn't wear a prophylactic.

Well, then, Son, it's probably yours.

You see, when a man has sex with a woman

- and he ejaculates into her...
- No, yeah, I know.

- So how's this gonna work?
- Well, uh, the baby

will live with Angel,
and I'll be there to provide

whatever it needs.

What about money?

I mean, you're gonna need
a steadier job.

I mean, I know you and Tim
like to have fun,

but you're gonna need a career.

Son, it's time you come and work for me.

Dad, I have a job, all right?

I mean, things may be
a little tough right now,

but, I mean, that's the ad game.

It's like a roller coaster.

Not here, Son.

Royals Steakhouse is a monorail,

a safe and dependable monorail.

I mean, would you put a baby
on a roller coaster?

Well, it depends on how tall
the baby is, I guess.

♪ ♪

♪ I don't understand you ♪

I mean, we are this close to
setting up a meeting with Dodge.

Great, we need to pick
things up around here,

you know what I mean?

Let's set up some meetings
with some clients we have

a realistic chance of landing.

- [elevator dings]
- We have a realistic chance

of landing Dodge.

Dodge called. It's a no.

God damn it!

They don't even wanna meet with us?

Did you go to that guy's house?

I used to live in that house.

I just wanted to look around.

He sounded pretty upset.

My car broke down in front of his house.

I just needed to use the phone.

- Tim, which is it?
- I saw a kid on the roof.

He was about to jump. What...

We can't keep relying on
these pipe dreams.

We need s*ab.

I mean, would you take
a baby on a roller coaster?

I mean, like, to save its life?


And then you say, "At Wonderground,

we understand the sound of music."

That's great, wow.

Then Santa says,
"I know what I'm getting everyone

this Christmas: bass guitars!"

That's good because I'm up
to my hog in bass guitars.

No, we know. That's why this commercial

is perfect for you.

Yeah, it's great. I just need a
couple days to think about it.

- Jam on it.
- Sure, yep.

- Take as much time as you need.
- Or, better yet,

just say yes right now.

Okay, guys, I'll be in touch.

Better yet, be in touch right now.

- Just say yes.
- Sam.

I have to think about it
and jam on it a little.

Tim, the man has to jam on it.

What the hell's there to jam on?

You have to jam on the idea.

The idea is perfect.

I mean, it's simple, it's funny,

and it's the only way you're gonna sell

your friggin' bass guitars.

Jam session over.

You don't say when
the jam session's over!

No one does!
It just kind of fizzles out.

You lose the groove, and it fizzles out.

You know what? The answer's no.

Sure, that's okay, that's okay.

- Come on, let's...
- No, it's not, Tim!

- Yeah.
- I'm sorry, but the jam

session... you don't tell me
when the jam session ends.

- I know you don't.
- It fizzles out.

- It fizzles out.
- People drop out one by one,

and then it's over.

- Are you okay?
- I gotta get out of here.

[smooth music]

♪ ♪

♪ I know you got something
that you wanna say ♪

♪ Tell it to my face... ♪

You really freaked out
on Crazy Terrance.

That's usually my move.

That should've been an easy yes.

Screw it, we'll get the next one.

I'll tell you what. Tomorrow morning,

we'll go after Dodge, baby.

Tim, we're not gonna land Dodge.

Buddy, I don't think
I can do this job anymore.

Well, what are you talking about?

We'll make it work.

What are you gonna do?
Go work for your dad?

I mean, it is steady work.

You hate working for your dad.

He controls you.
He doesn't let you fly like I do.

Well, you don't let me
fly, Tim, all right?

- I'm my own bird.
- No, I just...

that's what I'm saying.

I'm saying we're both birds.

I've gotta leave the company.

We're in a slump, Sam,
and you're freaking out.

It's gonna be fine. I'll take a pay cut.

Chrissy makes good money.

I'll live off that for a little while.

Buddy, you already live off
Chrissy's paycheck.

- I forgot I told you that.
- Yeah.

Tim, there's nothing I want more

than to say at Cramblin Duvet,
but I've gotta do this.

For my kid.

♪ ♪

All right, I understand.

And I wish you the best of luck.

And I want you to know that
I'm % fine with this.

- Thanks, man.
- Yeah, it's all good.

It's all... [coughs]

Whoa, wow. Oh, there he goes.

- [coughing]
- There he goes.

You got it, bud.

- [coughing]
- You good?

You good?

[jazz music]

♪ ♪

♪ I never realized that other girls ♪

♪ That love you want to know ♪

♪ I never realized
how much you need your love ♪

♪ To keep my vow ♪

♪ So don't grow with me and go away ♪

♪ I'll never be the same again ♪

♪ For without you by my side,
baby, it's the end ♪

All right, huddle up, everybody.

Huddle up, I have
an announcement to make.

As you know, Sam is no longer
with the company,

and none of you can replace him.

So everybody's going to have to
step it up around here

to make sure that I have a good time.

I'm bored, and I've been bored
all morning.

Work should be fun for me. All right?

All right, cool.
Back to what you were doing.

Thank you, everybody.

I mean, I don't know.

Tommy, yeah, like, maybe get
a big ol' suit,

biggest one you can find.
Tons of buttons.

Big ol' floppy hat.

Maybe you're clumsy and
you drop stuff all the time.

Like Mr. Bean?

Uh, yeah, but make it your own, Tommy.

You know, maybe lose
your watch in a turkey.

Sounds like Mr. Bean.

Yeah, but Tommy can talk, Sheila!

What? No, Tommy, you don't

- have to do that.
- Yes, he does, Lea.

You all do!

That's what this place is now.

It's wearing big ol' suits
with buttons and dropping shit!

And if you don't like it,
you can quit like Sam did,

and I'll blow my brains out!

Sheila, get Dodge on the phone.
Thank you!


[screaming] I can't do this!

Yeah, we sold cheesecakes tonight.

- Is that good?
- Is cheesecakes

- in one night good?
- I don't know.

- It's great.
- Another round?

Uh, I should probably get going.

- Pretty big day tomorrow.
- Yeah, me too.

I'm getting really close with Dodge.

Just stay away from that guy, Tim.

This is on me. Industry discount.

See you, buddy.

Hey, I saw your buddy left.

You looking for a new friend?

Get out of here, man.

I was just trying to be nice.

This is what I get
for trying to be nice. Oh, God.

- So...
- Ah.

- What you think?
- This is really nice.

Yeah? It's a work in progress.

I wanted to do this under the sea thing.

My cousin said he could
paint fish, but he couldn't.

Oh, my God, you gotta get rid
of that before the baby comes.

I know, and the mermaid is even worse.

Oh, well, I got you some things.

Let's see, I got you some vitamins.

Got you a baby book, and I got
you a romance novel for Mom.


It's "Teaching Michael Chestly,"

from the Michael Chestly series.

It's really sensual.

Thanks, Sam.

You know, you are doing a lot,
but you really don't have to

do all this because we're not
together, and we never will be.

I think we're on the same page.

That was just a little
too definitive for it

- not to hurt my feelings.
- Thanks.


It's got a bush?

He said it was historically accurate.

Huh, well, I should probably
get going to work,

but do you mind?

- Yeah?
- Oh, okay.

♪ I'll stand by you ♪

♪ I'll stand by you ♪

♪ I won't let nobody hurt you ♪

♪ I'll stand by you ♪

Yeah. Thank you.

You're welcome.

- [piano music]
- Hope he's doing a good job.

Billy, no jazz.

♪ ♪

Hey, Tim.

Hey, Sam.

This is Bruce from - - Warehouse.

Just a new client to I've added
to our portfolio.

I know he's just a small fish,
but still fun to reel in.

- I'm not a small fish.
- But you are, you are.

Yeah, of course, Bruce,
welcome to Royals.

I ate here once before.

Well, then, welcome back.

Yep, just pitching Bruce
here some taglines.

You know, closing the deal.

You used to do that.

- Wanna sit in?
- No, Tim, I can't.

But you've got this.

Bruce, you're in excellent hands.

Enjoy your meals, fellas. It's on me.

- Oh.
- Not the booze, though.

So I was wrong, he's not gonna join us.

No worries, I can do it myself.

Uh, so we see beauty shots
of your wonderful appliances.

A family walks through
the store holding a map.

The announcer comes on,
" - - Warehouse.

"Where's the warehouse?

It's as easy as - - Warehouse."

It's going to seem like
they're lost in the store.

Okay, you don't like that?
Here's another one.

" - - Warehouse,

it's as easy as A-B-C. Warehouse."

My main competitor is A-B-C Warehouse.

Uh, that's insane.

All right, well, just take
that off their check,

and then give them a free dessert.

- Okay.
- Thanks, Darren.

- Hey, don't grab me!
- I didn't grab you!

You looked away
when I was talking to you.

I'm not gonna apologize for
something that I didn't do.

- You grabbed my shirt.
- Shirt!

So you admit that I didn't grab you!

Uh, gentlemen, some wine for the table.

Sorry to interrupt,
but how about something like

" - - Warehouse: you can count on us."

I love it. Because you can count

on - - . That's perfect.

It is. It is, perfect.

Sam, come back.

Tell me you didn't get a rush from that.

Clients are coming in now.

Way better than this guy, trust me.

- Hey.
- Tim, I'm not coming back.

Look, in ten years,
I'm gonna be managing

four of these restaurants.

And, hopefully,
Cramblin Duvet's the biggest

ad agency in Detroit, but, Tim,
I can't gamble on hopefully.

'Cause in years my kid's
gonna be nine,

and, if he's anything like me,
he's gonna need braces

for his legs 'cause his dick's so big.

Good luck, buddy. I love ya.

Love you too.

All right, okay.

Well, we can't use "you can count on us"

for legal reasons,
plus I refuse to do that.

But I'll come up with
something just as good.

Um, one...

Look at me when I'm talking to you!

[smooth music]

♪ ♪

It'll be like, "No job's too
small, no job's too big.

We're father and son. Give us the gig."

I don't know.
It might be a little corny.

You run a business
with your son, and I'm corny?

You couldn't even find another grown man

- to go into business with.
- Hey.

What's the story here?
Is this a yes or no?

- I got shit to do.
- I think it goes

without saying
you're not getting the job.

Yeah, and I think it goes without saying

that you should get out
'cause one of you's ugly,

and it runs in the family.

- Let's go.
- Bye.

Later, dude.

Shut the door, shut the light off.

[yells] Don't look at me!


♪ ♪

Well, that's it.

We're shutting down.

Call Dodge and tell them we're out.

I will continue to commute to work,

but my briefcase will be empty.

I will no longer pursue
new clients, and I will

do nothing to keep the ones we have,

and I ask you to do the same.

We will keep going
until the money runs out,

then we die.

So from now on,
it's Camp Do What You Wanna.

Tommy, keep wearing
the big suit, please.

Thank you, Tommy.

It's very funny.


[door opens]


- Hello, table for two?
- Oh, it's just me.

No, I know, you're pregnant,
so it's like a little joke.

'Cause like you'd be eating for two...

- Look, Sam.
- It's a joke.

There's no good way to tell you this,

but it's not your baby.

Excuse me?

Yeah, I just got the test results back.

I'm sorry. I just got a little confused

with the timeline, and then,
I mean, I figured it was

probably you, and then
you were so sweet,

and I guess I just convinced
myself that it had to be you,

and it ain't.

So I'm not gonna be a father.

Good news, right?

Great news, that's
the last thing I wanted.

You know what I mean?
Like, being a father

- is such a burden.
- Right.

Yeah, it'd be like, you know,
you gotta look out

for this little baby who looks
up to you his whole life.

[laughs] Matching baby Lions onesies.

- Yeah.
- So glad I didn't buy

- of those.
- Who would do that?

- Who would do that?
- Stupid.

Just dumb.

Well, whoever the real father is,

he's a very lucky man.

- Angel, let me hold a dollar.
- Okay.

Going across to the gas
station, get some combos.

- Okay, baby.
- Sup, Playboy?

- Thank you, babe.
- Who is this?

My name is Pleasure.

Well, Pleasure, you're
obviously very handsome.

Your sperm is clearly
stronger than mine,

- so congratulations.
- You're right,

he does talk like Tavis Smiley.

Good. I'm glad I do.

Uh, good-bye, Sam.

Bye, Angel. Take care of that baby.


I wish it was mine.

I wish it was mine.

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪

♪ Good to know you ♪

♪ Got to find some way ♪

♪ To keep you in my arms ♪

♪ And to love you ♪

♪ ♪

♪ I got to feel you ♪

♪ Wandering ♪

♪ You ♪

♪ Come on ♪

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

What? What?

♪ ♪

Yes, yes! Yes!

Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes,
yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!


- I am not the father.
- You're sh**ting blanks.

No, it could be a lot of
the different possibilities.

Sam, you keep your phone
right by your crotch.

- No, it's not that.
- You're sh**ting blanks.

I mean, everybody keeps
their phone... sometimes it's

in my back pocket, so it's not it, so.

I'm sorry, man.

I think you would've been a great dad.

Thanks, pal,

But I am so glad to have you back.

[chuckles] Me too.

- You're my best friend, Tim.
- You're my best friend.

And in ten years,
we're gonna have the biggest

ad agency in Detroit,
and that's a f*ck' promise.

Let's go get Dodge.

I think it's best if we just
give that guy and his family

a little bit of space.

Tim, what did you do?

From the gentleman
at the end of the bar.


When you were gone, me and him
used to be best friends.

No, we weren't. Shut up, Ramon.

Inside joke.

- Is that true?
- No, of course not.

Well, he only got us one beer.

♪ ♪

It's annual friendship day
here in Detroit.

That's why I brought
my best friend, Dave,

to hang out.

He's a slob, but I love him.

- ♪ Ooh ♪
- Good night, Detroit.

♪ ♪

[machinery whirring]

- Come on, let's go.
- All right, all right.
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