04x13 - Martinez & Malone: Mall Cops!

[bunniefuu]

(Grunting)

Oh!

(Panting)

Oh, hey, gross Bob.

I just came from a dark, dank place
where no man should ever have to go.

Are you talking about stall
three in the men's room?

Or as I call it, "my place of business."

See, I call it that
'cause I do my business...

no, no, no, I get it. Thank you.

No, I'm talking about this thing.

The balls were coming out too fast so
I fixed it by reversing the motor.

Ooh, all right.

(Motor whirring)

Oh, man.

Whoa-oa-oa.

What's going on?

New sunset karate class just let out.

We teach it out on the wharf.

It combines the meditative
tranquility of karate

with the serenity of a beautiful sunset.

And it's full of hot ladies!

(Sniffing)

Yo, this place stinks, man.

Oh, that could be my shoes.

My foot fungus is back with a vengeance.

Whoa, dude.

Yeah, you're gonna have to spray 'em.

Spray 'em? These things
are about to blow, man.

(expl*si*n)

Hey.

Hey, do you guys think
my job is a loser job?

- Oh, yes.
- Absolutely.

All right, everybody, we're about
to begin moonlight glow bowl.

Don't forget to get a free
glow-in-the-dark milk shake.

Oh, what's a
glow-in-the-dark milk shake?

Oh, they're made with a special
ingredient that glows in the dark

so you always know where your shake is.

(Chuckles) Well, if it's free

I'm gonna drink enough of 'em
till I light up like a firefly.

It's moonlight glow bowl time.

Prepare to see the bowling alley
light up in magical illumination.

(Dance music playing)

(Groaning)

Oh, I think I overdid it.

I gotta get out of here.

I think I'm gonna hurl.

Jerry: This way, Bob. Follow me.

(Groaning)

Which one's you? It's too dark.

I'm right here.

(Rumbling)

Oh, there you are.

Man, I hate this job.

- (Rock music playing)
- ♪ Don't you get all tough with me ♪

♪ I'm saying won't you
come kick it with me? ♪

♪ And we could have a
ball, run up the wall ♪

♪ that's just how we do ♪

♪ and no matter how
much I chop and punch ♪

♪ it's not as cool as
kickin' it with you ♪

♪ here we go, let's start the party ♪

♪ chop it up like it's karate ♪

♪ everybody ♪

♪ won't you come kick it with me? ♪

♪ And we could have a
ball, run up the wall ♪

♪ that's just how we do ♪

♪ and no matter how
much I chop and punch ♪

♪ it's not as cool as
kickin' it with you. ♪

Oh, hey, Joan. What's going on?

I'll tell you what's going on.

The mayor's son is having
a birthday party here.

I'm in charge, so security
is gonna be pretty tight.

Uh, Joan, that guy just
stole your sign-up table.

(Chuckles) Oh, well.

Chief of police told me
to even get a partner.

So listen up, potential partners.

This is an equal opportunity job.

It's based on what you know
not what you look like, okay?

Take a hike, shortstop.

Oh, not gonna happen, gramps.

Oh, waaa.

b*at feet, weird eye.

Hello, tall, dark, and hired.

Whoa, oh, oh.

Yo, Joan.

Hey, how about I become your partner?

A new job with some
respect is just what I need.

You? Oh, please.

You're not right, you've got no experience.

You're just a kid.

Believe me, there's no shortage
of people who wanna be my part...

welcome to the force, partner.

Let the sunset take
you to a tranquil place.

Let the gentle sea breeze
take your worries away.

Let sensei Rudy take you out
for a relaxing fajita dinner.

Excuse me, pardon me.

Move!

Milton...

Get your speed walking group out of here.

- Go to the park.
- No, you go to the park.

We do our laps here 'cause
it has the best views.

Yeah, we know, that's why we
do our sunset karate class here.

Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't know
that pretending to stretch

while checking out chicks
was something you could teach.

Our class is way more legit
than your parade of hip waddlers.

- Speed walking is a joke.
- How dare you.

I challenge you to a
speed walk at the park.

Winner gets to use the
wharf courtyard at sunset.

Fine, this Wednesday at : .

I'm gonna take you down.

I'm gonna take you down.

(Snaps)

(Scoffs)

(Grunting)

Ah! Ah! Ah!

(Joan sighs)

All right, everyone, calm down.

We're here.

(Chuckles)

Now, I want you to know that we take
security for the mayor's son very...

(Screams)

...serious.

I am chief of police mcgruder.

We don't care if you're the
pirate prince of penzance.

This is our house, mini mouse.

This is our town, Charlie brown.

This is our jurisdiction...

Charlie brown!

All right, you two, starsky, hutch...

I need you to go out to the parking lot

and get my bazooka off
the roof of my minivan.

It's the one with the bazooka on the roof.

Who are you guys?

(Sighs)

- Mall cops.
- Mall cops.

(Laughing)

Okay, guys, calm down, show
a little respect, all right?

I requested these two
for a special mission.

(Chuckles) Oh, who's laughing now, huh?

What is it, sir? Are we going undercover?

You're going caterers.

But I thought we were
here to protect and serve?

Oh, you are.

You're going to protect the pinata.

And you're going to serve the meatballs.

Where are you going?

Well, you don't protect a
pinata without a bazooka.

♪ Kickin' it with you ♪

I can't wait to b*at, Milton.

You're really working those legs hard.

Feel the burn. Feel the burn!

(Heavy breathing)

Mmm.

Whoo!

Spicy.

All right, man, I'm gonna
take a five minute break.

And them I'm gonna get
in to this shish kabob.

Rudy, the race is tomorrow.
Do you think you should train?

(Laughing)

It's walking.

Winning's gonna be a piece of cake.

Ah!

Rudy, what happened?

I just slipped on a piece of cake.

Ah, there's my cake. (Laughs)

(Groans)

I'm on a new fad diet.

My wife's hiding baked goods all over town

so I get my exercise. It's
called hide and go sleek.

- Does it work?
- Nope.

Jack, I think I sprained my ankle.

You're gonna have to race for us.

Well, I guess I better start training then.

(Laughing)

Ow, ow.

I'm off to train.

Milton, do you really
think you can b*at us?

It's walking.

(Wind rushes)

Whoa!

He is really fast.

Yeah, he ate the shish right off my kabob.

It's my birthday party and you've
been swinging at the pinata forever.

Pipe down, birthday boy.

I'm one swing away from
swimming in choco balls.

(Screams)

(Sreaming)

All right, good luck, hon.

This thing's made out of concrete.

Here you go... oh!

My candy! Mine!

My candy! My candy! My candy!

My candy! Mine! My candy!

- Joan! Joan!
- My candy! My candy!

My candy!

- Joan! Joan!
- My... what?

Look, it's embarrassing enough
that they're using us as waiters,

and now you're making
a fool out of yourself.

I wasn't the one caught sucking the
icing off of the birthday cake.

Yes, you were.

Oh, yeah.

We're mall cops and chief
mcgruder thinks we're a joke.

We're the screaming
skeletons. Who's ready to rock?

(Cheering)

Who are these guys?

Only the biggest band on the west coast.

Ah... I'm digging their vibe.

These dudes are funky, fly, fresh.

So you like them?

I don't know. I have no
idea what I just said.

All right, could the
mayor's son come forward?

We got a special suprise for him.

Oh, I bet it's a pony.

Nobody move, or the birthday boy gets it.

Not a pony. Not a pony.

We're in control and nobody is leaving
this party until your daddy pays us.

Yo, they took out the cops.

Do you know what that means?

We're Trevor's only hope.

(Sighs heavily)

Poor kid doesn't stand a chance.

(Distant police sirens)

What are we gonna do?

I'll tell you what we're not gonna do.

- And that's panic.
- Okay.

Okay, Jerry? We cannot freak out.

- I know.
- Oo-oh.

'Cause if we freak out, I'm telling you,

(screaming) That's when everything
happens. So you look me in the eye.

You look at me, buddy! Buddy,
look me right in the eye

and tell me you're not gonna panic!

Say we're not gonna freak out!

Grab those two behind the counter.

See, Jerry, that's what
happens when you freak out.

Listen up, mayor. We have your son.

And we want $ , or
no one leaves this party.

$ , ? That's chump change.

This is the mayor's son.

Make it , copper.

Why are you helping them?

You wanna make it , ?

Don't listen to 'em, mayor.

They're just a bunch of crazy thugs.

Listen to 'em, mayor. They're
a bunch of crazy thugs.

My dad will never let you out of
here once you release everyone.

Then we'll take you to our secret hideout.

And the only way your daddy
is gonna get to see you again

is if he pays us another $ , .

Joan, they're taking Trevor.
We gotta do something.

Agreed, we gotta get out of here.

How does that help Trevor?

Who?

Oh, yeah, the boy.

Forget that, follow me.

Where do you think you're going?

Uh...

We are caterers.

Who are late for our next event.

Yeah, that's it. It's a...

- Bar mitzvah.
- Dog show.

Oh, no.

A dog show and a bar mitzvah?

Yes, that's right. It's a bark mitzvah.

You're not going anywhere.

Wha... (Sighs)

Fine.

But it's on you if
there's no hors d'oeuvres

when that labradoodle becomes a man.

Jack: Rudy, do I really have to wear this?

Come on, it's part of the sport.

Nobody's gonna make fun of you.

(Laughing)

Oh, man, you look dumb.

I'm sorry, just thank you
so much for racing for me.

We gotta win this and keep the wharf
for hot lady stretching time.

This may be the most important
competition of my life.

That suit is aerodynamic and one of a kind.

Two of a kind.

(Groans) Yeah, sorry I'm late.

I got my helmet caught in the bus door.

And my front door, and the dojo door,

and I don't even want to talk about the...
can we just start the race?

- Yeah, we'll start the race.
- Oh, I'll start the race.

Guys, guys!

All right, all right, all right.

Excuse me, look out. Here we go.

(Clears throat)

Boy do you guys look dumb. (Laughs)

I know, that's what I said.

Okay, all right, yeah.

All right, you boys remember
the rules of speed walking?

One foot on the ground at all times and...
Well, I guess that's about it.

On your mark.

Set!

(Bang)

Is it me, or do they look a little...

ridiculous?

Sure, let's go with ridiculous.

Look, Joan.

We may only be mall cops, but
we're not running anymore.

Okay, this kid needs us
and my plan is gonna work.

All right.

But, Jerry, if we don't make it out, I
want you to tell Joe from the deli,

Mike from the bank, and
Billy from the firehouse...

...that I love them all and I would
have married any one of them.

Oh, yeah, and you might
have to explain who I am.

Mcgruder: You've got the money.

Now send out Trevor.

(Police radio chatter)

We'll send the kid out
after we count the money.

(Laughing, cheering)

Let's go.

Throw a bag on this kid's head so
he doesn't see where we're going.

All right, let's do this.

Hold up!

You're not going anywhere.

Joan Malone, mall cop.

Why are you holding a cookie?

Oh, hold on. Hold on, wait a second.

Here... all right.

Joan Malone, mall cop!

Yep, that's it.

Jerry, now!

Kidnapper: Over there!

(Joan screams)

Jerry: Joan, you just hit me.

Joan: Oh, sorry.

(Grunting)

(Joan screams)

Jerry: Ow, still me.

Forget it, Joan. We can't take 'em.

Let's get out of here.

(Sighs)

Looks like they ran.

They're smarter than they look.

All right, let's go.

Grab the kid and the cake.

But put it somewhere I can't find it.

I'm on the hide and go sleek diet.

(Dramatic music playing)

(Car alarm beeping)

Ow! Stop it! Ah!

(Grunting)

Hey, hey, hey! What are you guys doing?

You're in the middle of a race.

(Gasps)

He's right.

Look what we've become.

Friends don't act like this.

Do you want to just share the wharf?

No!

The wharf is mine!

(Dramtic music playing)

Listen up, everybody.

And hot, new lady members.

We're gonna be doing eight
laps around the wharf courtyard,

then we're gonna take a rest
by the water fountains...

excuse me, look out. Hello.

Whoa, ah, oh.

Uh, gross Bob, we're about
to start our walk here.

Yeah, well the doctor said I gotta
come out here every single day.

The vitamin d from the setting sun

is the only way to dry out
the pus from my foot fungus.

(Gagging)

Holy Christmas nuts.

Speed walking club is disbanded.

Save yourselves!

You guys were right.

This is a perfect place to air out my dogs.

(Nasally) You are a genius, Rudy.

(Nasally) I know.

Get the mayor on the phone.

It's time to ask for another grand.

Ransom. (Laughs)

What happened to Ronnie's voice?

He sounds so manly.

Manly like a woman.

- It's that mall cop.
- That's right.

I've been texting the cops
and they'll be here in...

Three, two, one.

Okay, looks like they're a little late.

Uh, so...

Were you a band first
and then became criminals?

(Door opens)

- There they are!
- Oh, here they are.

Stay back. I got the kid.

Take one more step and he gets it.

All right, hold on, guys.

Whoa!

The only one who's getting it is you.

Take him away, boys.

Mcgruder: All right.

You know, I think I owe you two an apology.

That was some very impressive police work.

Uh, but where is Trevor?

Oh, he's safe and sound back at Phil's.

Yeah, when Joan distraced them
I turned the black lights on.

Then we switched places with Trevor
and the skeleton guarding him.

You left Trevor with
one of these skeletons?

Oh, yeah, but I wouldn't
worry about it, sir.

He's totally under control.

I'm gonna get you, birthday boy.

(Screams)

On behalf of the mayor's office and the

entire city of Seaford,
I am proud to present

Joan Malone and Jerry Martinez
with these medals of valor.

- Yeah, all right.
- (Applause)

All right, in closing we...

being a mall cop...

Is about putting others

(sobbing) Before yourself.

Even as a small girl I
dreamed of being a mall...

I dreamed of being a mall...

I...

Joan, Joan, Joan. You're ruining it.

We finally get the respect we
deserve and you're losing it.

(Out of breath) You're right,
you're right. Take us home, partner.

Go on.

(Clears throat)

Being a mall cop...

(Clears throat)

Is about finding the positivity...
(whimpering)

Finding the... (Whimpering)

(Babbling)

(Sobbing) That is so true.

That is so true.

(Weeping)

All right, Joan, there
was one pinata left over

from the party. The
mayor said we can have it.

You think you can open it?

Don't worry, Jerry. I got this.

I knew this bazooka would come in handy.

Handy for candy.

Fire in the hole!
(Jerry screams)

- Not a dent.
- Reload.

Fire in the hole!

(Screams)

(Theme music playing)

(Dog growls, barks)