04x15 - Kickin' It in the Office

[bunniefuu]

(Chuckles)

You really think you can intimidate me?

I'm not afraid of you.

I'm about to be made sensei of this dojo.

So here's the deal.

No more unicorn stickers
on the gym equipment.

I like you, Jack.

(Scoffs) Don't even play
your mind games, Lilly.

I'm not gonna fall for it this time.

You have pretty eyes.

(Groans) Take your stickers.

(Jerry grunting)

All you, all you. Come on, push it, Jerry.

- Whoo!
- Yeah! You did it.

(Sighs) Whoo!

Getting pumped, yo.

Hey, you're the best spotter ever, Milton.

Yeah, 'cause I'm a good motivator?

Uh, no. It's because if
I ever needed your help

you wouldn't be able to
do a thing and I would die.

Which is really good motivation
if you think about it.

Guys, guys, I have big, big news.

You're gonna want to sit.

No, no, you're right,
it's too exciting to sit.

A TV crew from black belt
TV is coming here next week.

I love "dojo divas."

A bunch of scene-stealing
senseis throwing hissy fits...

you totally belong on that.

(Scoffs) I would never
be on "dojo divas..."

After they rejected me.

But black belt TV is coming here to
sh**t "a day in the life of a dojo."

Camera's are going to capture
our every move, any questions?

They're not going to follow
us into the bathroom, Jerry.

Aww.

If they do, just remember
the restroom code of conduct.

All: If you sprinkle when you tinkle
be a sweetie and wipe the seatie.

Huh, I always forget that second part.

All: We know!

Look, the most important
thing with these documentaries

is to just be yourself.

% natural.

Hey, Rudy, what's under your jacket?

Oh, these are my new fake abs.

You think those plastic abs
are going to impress people?

Uh, not by themselves.

That's why I went butt shopping.

What do you think? Should I go with...

Gladiator or buff bull fighter?

♪ Don't you get all tough with me ♪

♪ I'm saying won't you
come kick it with me ♪

♪ And we could have a
ball run up the wall ♪

- ♪ That's just how we do ♪
- ♪ Come on ♪

♪ And no matter how
much I chop and punch ♪

♪ It's not as cool as
kickin' it with you ♪

♪ Here we go let's start the party ♪

♪ Chop it up like it's karate ♪

♪ Everybody ♪

♪ Won't you come kick it with me ♪

♪ And we could have a
ball run up the wall ♪

- ♪ That's just how we do ♪
- ♪ Come on ♪

♪ And no matter how much I chop and punch

♪ it's not as cool as
kickin' it with you! ♪

(Piano playing)

If you join this academy I
think you'll find that I am a...

Truly gifted sensei.

Now, normally I don't
like to toot my own horn

but every once in a while I
do let a little toot slip out.

Hey, Rudy, when did you
put up the suggestions box?

(Scoffs) Definitely not this morning.

It's always been there
because a truly gifted teacher

learns just as much from his
students as they do from him.

I love hearing what
other people have to say.

Let's take a look.

(Chuckles) Okay, not gonna do that.

This is a horrible idea.

Okay, it is just physically impossible
for me to do that with my head.

A great leader trusts his own instincts.

Oh, look who's here, it's Jack.

Hey, Rudy, you remember
when you said I could take

my sensei test when I was ready?

- Mm-hmm.
- Well, I'm ready.

Wha-at?

That is so great.

Oh, it is a proud day when your student
rises to the same level you are.

(Sighs)

Sensei Rudy with sensei Jack.

(Grunts)

Just two big, ol' senseis. (Chuckles)

(Sighs) Not one ahead
of the other but, um...

Equal. (Chuckles)

I'm sorry, we just don't have
time for your test right now, Jack.

- What?
- There is something much more important

that I need you to do.

You want me to take over your
advanced black belt class?

Nope, I need you to take this...

And pick up the pizza that some
jerk dropped behind the radiator.

- (Sighs)
- (Door opens)

I like to keep my pizza on
the radiator so it stays warm.

It also works well with waffles.

(Piano playing)

Gah!

Jerry, you gelatined my locker.

What makes you think it was me?

Milton and I have a very
complicated relationship.

You see, I prank him and he takes it.

Actually, it's not that complicated.

Oh, hey, it's : . Watch this.

(Cell phone rings)

Oh, no, that's mother's
: check-in call.

(Cell phone rings)

If he doesn't pick up after two rings,

she activates his "come
home now" tracker device.

- (Squishing)
- (Groans)

- (Cell phone rings)
- Hold on, mother, don't do it!

- (Ringing continues)
- (Grunts) Hello?

Mother? Mother?

Oh, good, she didn't do it.

- (Vibrating, beeping)
- (Screams)

Mother, hold on, I'm coming! (Screams)

(Upbeat music playing)

Hey, Rudy... Rudy, hey!

Where you have you been?
I've been looking for you.

And you found me. (Laughs)

You are good.

- Well, see you.
- Wait, Rudy, uh...

I'm ready to take my test now.

Well... (Scoffs)

I... I...

Can't think of a single reason
not to give you your test.

I literally couldn't think of one reason.

So the test is happening.

I mean, don't get me wrong,
I really want Jack to become...

A sensei, just like me.

(High-pitched) It's gonna be great!

All right, Jack, let's
start your sensei test...

That I, your sensei, have
personally designed for you,

the student. Now, there's
nothing to be nervous about.

I've always trained you to
believe that anything is possible.

- What's the first test called?
- The test of impossibility.

You must use a dragon spin kick to break
all three cinder blocks in one kick.

Now, don't be intimidated by the
fact that no one has ever...

oh, well, I hope you're happy, Jack.

Now I have to rename the test!

♪ ♪

Hey, Milton, got you a leftover
piece of Lilly's birthday cake.

Oh, thank you, that was really nice.

Not falling for it.

Whoa, Milton, relax.

Look, I get it...
you're my friend

it's not fair that I keep pranking you.

Well, thank you, Jerry. I appreciate that.

I'm gonna go take a shower and relax.

Oh, yeah, you got it, Milton.

Enough is enough.

Enough is never enough.

I replaced Milton's shampoo with this.

Girly curl.

Instant curls for busy girls.

(Milton screaming)

(Gasping) Jerry!

That's it, your days of pranking
me are numbered, Martinez.

Because I, Milton krupnik,
am a man of pride and honor

and I will not be laughed at...

(Laughing)

Seriously?

Are you laughing at me?

♪ ♪

(Applause)

Rudy, that's it. I've done
everything you've asked.

I just did the salmon ladder, I sparred

blindfolded against every
student in the dojo.

I even went to your house and
deloused your mangy, bald bulldog.

I don't have a dog. I live with my mother.

Rudy, I deserve to be made sensei.

I completed the final test.

You're right, Jack.

You did complete the final test...

- Thank you.
- ...Of phase one.

- What?
- The world's toughest sensei

has to give the world's
toughest sensei test.

He has no intention of making me a sensei.

This is classic Rudy.

The cameras are on and he's
trying to show off his power,

acting like a big man.

I just wish there was a
way I could cut the big man

down to... size.

- (Clattering)
- Oh!

Grandmaster...

the teacher who taught
me everything I know,

who gave me all of my belts,

and turned me into the amazing,
talented sensei that I am today.

- (Chuckles)
- What a most unexpected surprise.

Rudy, you called me and asked me to...

unexpected surprise!

Why are there TV cameras here?

Am I on "dojo divas"?

No. No, no,
no. It's a...

it's a TV show about life at our dojo

and since you happened to randomly show up,

you can tell everyone about my greatness.

Rudy, we should talk in private about
how you earned your black belt.

Oh, no, no, I'm proud about that.

We can talk about that right here.

- Go ahead.
- All right.

Rudy, I'm a fraud.

You're not a black belt.

Don't you think we should
talk about that in private?

I won a black belt as a prize

when I ate a four-pound
wonton at the emperor's feast.

I started wearing the belt around,

the chicks went wild.

One thing led to another,
and I opened a dojo.

Do you have any idea what this means?

It means you're a white belt.

And since Bobby wasabi gave me my belts...

It means that I'm the highest
ranked member of this dojo.

(Inhales deeply)

Looks like I'm in charge.

But... I don't...
Want you to be...

Rudy, I'm gonna have
to take your black belt.

No... no-oo...

When I found out Rudy
invited the grandmaster

to make himself look good,
it was the perfect opportunity

to bring down the big man.

By going to the bigger man.

(Laughing maniacally)

You may have stripped me of my black belt,

but you will never strip me of my dignity.

Your stomach just fell off.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

I really am the grandmaster.

But I wanted to get back at Rudy.

Why?

Because once, on April fool's
day, Rudy brought me great shame.

He tricked me with a whoopee cushion.

When I sat down, it went like this...

(flatulence)

I didn't know you brought
the whoopee cushion with you.

I didn't.

Oh.

- Oh! Oh!
- (Laughs)

Hup! Hup! Hup!

Hup! Hup!

Hup! All right, good
class. Let's take a five.

No no no no no no. I can't do this.

And I can't be a white belt.

Do you know who wears white belts? Losers.

Pathetic losers.

No, no, not you guys. You guys are great.

Look, Jack, as the highest-ranking
member of this dojo,

you can give me back my black belt.

Rudy, of course I'm gonna
help you get your black belt.

Eventually.

Uh, Rudy, I gotta make a
couple quick phone calls.

- Can you do me a favor?
- Sure, I can lead the class...

Lilly, take over. Get back in line.

Try to keep up, white belt.

♪ ♪

(Grunting)

Whoo-hoo!

Did you see that?

Thanks to those special amino shakes

you've been making me, I just lifted
pounds like it was nothing.

(Chuckles)

Because it was nothing.

I've been replacing some
of his weights with these

styrofoam ones to make him
think he's getting stronger.

Only an idiot would fall for that.

Oh, Milton, I had no
idea you were so strong.

Huh.

Jerry, you just lifted
more weight than last year's

winner of the Mr. Seaford
weight-lifting contest.

If you signed up, you could
totally win that thing.

Then I'm gonna dominate.

Gobble, gobble, Jerry.

It's pranks-giving at the Krupnick house

and you're
the... (Gobbles)

Oh, I'm known for my holiday bird calls.

Hey, you wanna hear my easter hen?

(Gobbles)

We have a student who's
shown exemplary growth,

and he's earned his rightful belt.

Rudy Gillespie, please step forward.

(Laughs) Out of my way, losers!

(Clears throat)

Thank you, sensei.

I'm so happy to have my black belt back.

Black belt? Oh, no, I'm sorry.

That's just the cover. (Chuckles)

That's better.

What?

A yellow belt? You're
giving me a yellow belt?

You can't give him a yellow belt.

- Thank you, Lilly.
- He's not as good as me.

So this is what it feels like to be on top.

(Knocking, door opens)

I'm looking for the man in charge.

Uh, you're looking at him.

What can I do for you?

Name's David basso, I'm
the assistant mall manager.

Assistant to the mall manager.

Well, yes, technically.

Anyway, my boss needs
you to sign this new I-

uh, your boss?

Yes, the mall manager. Her name
is Emily. She's actually my wife.

Ex-wife.

Also, your license to operate
a business has expired.

You'll need to talk to Gary at city hall.

Uh, I don't know Gary.

Emily knows Gary.

Okay.

(Phone ringing)

Uh, hello?

Jack: Hi, Mrs. Krupnick.

No, I don't know where Milton is.

Yes, thank you. I already signed this one.

I'm the plumber. Whoever's
in charge owes me $ .

Wait, wait, wait. $ ? For what?

The little girl called me
after she flushed her bobo

and the terlet started overflowing.

Uh, what's a bobo?

He's my panda.

Ex-panda.

(Phone ringing)

- You know, I can shut off the water...
- Yes, hello?

I told you, Mrs. Krupnick,
I don't know where he is.

Please don't step on my desk.

(Banging)

- Ow!
- David: Be careful!

(Phone ringing) Please stop calling!

(Overlapping shouting)

Hey, did you know our
toilets are overflowing?

Do you know your mother's
been searching for you?

Oh, no, she's looking for me? No, no!

- (Beeping)
- (Screams)

(Whines) I want my bobo!

- Coming, I'm coming, mother.
- I want to talk to your superior.

♪ ♪

(Grunts)

(Grunts)

(Loud thud)

(Cheering, applause)

All right, Jerry, you're up.

(Jerry sighs)

Ah, starting you at ?

You won't even break a sweat.

(Breathes deeply)

(Grunts)

Oh! (Groans)

- Milton?
- You have it!

- You have it!
- I don't have it.

I don't have it!

- (Weights clatter)
- (Crowd gasps)

(Murmuring)

Nope, he didn't have it.

I'm never pranking Milton again.

He's a sick man!

(Gasps)

Sick, sick I tell you!

It's amazing what you can do with glue.

Yeah, do you know you can
even glue a person's hand

to a camera without them noticing?

Oh, yeah, you heard me.

Who's laughing now?

♪ ♪

Goodbye, Lilly.

Goodbye, Earl.

And you...

I think I'm gonna miss
you most of all, Ted.

His name's Steven.

Hey, wait, Rudy!

(Kids chattering)

I'm leaving, Jack.

You can't go. I need your
help. I can't run this place.

I'm just a yellow belt,
why would you need my help?

Technically you're still a white belt.

Not helping, Lilly.

(Sighs) Look, Rudy. I was upset
because you wouldn't make me a sensei.

So I got the grandmaster to
come and pretend to be a fraud.

But he's not, he's the
real thing and so are you.

I knew it.

It's impossible to eat
a four-pound wonton.

Rudy, what I did was wrong.

I know you have your reasons
for not making me sensei.

And whatever they are...

I respect them.

I do have my reasons.

If I made Jack sensei, then
he wouldn't need me anymore.

He'd, uh... he'd try
to fly out of the nest.

That's what baby birds do.

They think they can dig up their own worms.

Well, I wanna be the
man to give Jack worms.

Am I afraid I'll lose Jack?

Sure, I mean...

It's just that...

you know what, I'm sorry,
there's something I need to do.

♪ ♪

Sometimes you just have to be, uh...

Strong enough to let the
people you care about...

Grow.

(Cheering, applause)

Oh, I feel like I'm about to cry
but then my makeup would run.

I mean, if I was wearing
makeup, which I'm not.

(Cheering)

I'm sorry, we have to cut. (Groans)

Rudy: Sorry about that.

Had to take a quick phone call.

(Groans, sighs)

Okay, where were we?

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

All right, guys, we had fun with the
pranks but we're all done with them now.

(Chuckles) Except for one more.

(Loud screaming)

Ru-udy!

Look at my hair!

I love it.

♪ ♪

(Theme music playing)

(Dog growls, barks)