04x03 - Screech's Spaghetti Sauce

[bunniefuu]

[bell rings]

♪ When I wake up in the morning
and the alarm gives out a warning ♪

♪ I don't think I'll ever
make it on time ♪

♪ By the time I grab my books
and I give myself a look ♪

♪ I'm at the corner just in time
to see the bus fly by ♪

♪ It's all right ♪

♪ 'Cause I'm saved by the bell ♪

♪ If the teacher pops a test
I know I'm in a mess ♪

♪ And my dog ate
all my homework last night ♪

♪ Ridin' low on my chair,
she won't know that I'm there ♪

♪ If I can hand it in tomorrow
it will be all right ♪

♪ It's all right ♪

♪ 'Cause I'm saved by the bell... ♪

♪ It's all right,
'cause I'm saved by the-- ♪

♪ It's all right, 'cause I'm saved
by the-- ♪

♪ It's all right,
'cause I'm saved by the bell ♪

Hi there. We've never met.
I'm Zack.

I'm Robin. I just moved
here from Beverly Hills.

Oh, really? Well my
lucky number is .

Tres clever.

Why don't I give you a tour of
the neighborhood after school?

And what kind of car do you
plan on towing me around in?

It's a ' mustang convertible.

It's a real classic.

"Classic," another word for old.

Trade up, then call me. Ciao.

[bell rings]

Hello, class.

- Hi.
- Hey.

You might wonder why I'm
teaching communications this term.

Slater, go ahead, tell everyone.

I have no idea, sir.

I'm teaching communications

because being a school
principal is about communication.

Oh, I thought it was about
sleeping in your office all day.

Very funny.

Now, for this
year's class project,

we'll be creating a show
for cable access television.

We should do a show
kids can relate to.

Like "Gilligan's Island:
The Next Generation."

Ooh! Can I play the professor?

Or the today show for teenagers.

Sir, sir, I happen
to have a great idea.

OK, we're on the
air in one minute.

Robin, can I take you out
to dinner after the show?

Where do you plan on
taking me, handsome?

How about the Max for a
couple of burgers, beautiful?

Burgers? I don't think so.

Try me when you have a
craving for something expensive.

Hey, they got
cheeseburgers, too!

[theme music plays]

Oh, guys! Get ready.

We're on in ... ... ... ...

Good morning, Palisades,
Malibu, and Santa Monica.

I'm Zack Morris.

And I'm Lisa Turtle.

We've got an
exciting show today.

First, Jessie Spano,
our roving reporter,

meets Bayside's principal,
Mr. Belding, in a relaxed interview.

I guess now's our chance to
find out what makes him so boring.

Let's go live to
Jessie Spano. Jessie?

Good morning. I'm here
with Principal Richard Belding.

Who is this warm, kind man?

What are his thoughts,
fears, hobbies, favorite songs?

Mr. Belding, tell our students,
parents, and neighbors...

What happened to that
$ petty cash discrepancy

discovered by the school board?

What?

Don't play dumb with
me. Where's the cash?

I'm sure there's an explanation.

It was just a petty cash error.

That's not a petty BMW
you're driving these days.

Huh? Huh?

I thought we were going to
talk about Pokey, my pet Turtle.

There you have it, America.

Judge for yourself.

Back to you, Zack and Lisa.

Thanks, Jessie, for your
report on crooks in high places.

Now for our local weather
forecast with Kelly Kapowski.

Thank you.

Leave your miniskirts
at home, girls,

because winter winds are here.

Cut it.

Cut it!

But tomorrow you can
slip back in your bikinis

because we'll have
sunshine at all local beaches.

But don't stay at
the beach too long,

because there's a %
chance of rain tomorrow.

Mmm. Something
smells awfully good, Lisa.

Thank you. It's my new
perfume from France, Eiffel Power.

No, I'm talking about something
from Chef Screech's kitchen.

Thank you, anchorpersons.

[crying]

And now, my assistant
will add the onions.

Add the onions.

I'll be happy to.

Stir briskly. Those muscles
should be good for something.

Stirring, Screech-a-Mia.

We are ready for
the secret ingredients.

Ah. Ba-da-bing ba-da-boom.

And there we have Chef
Screech's super spaghetti sauce.

Wow! That's Italian.
Mmm. This is good.

Hey, guys. Try some.

You go first.

If it doesn't k*ll
you, then I'll try it.

Boy, that's incredible.

I've never tasted
anything so good. Really.

I don't believe it!
This is wonderful!

And low in fat and cholesterol.

You guys, come here.

So, Preppie, how many chicks
have asked for your autograph?

Oh, man, so many I lost count.

Heh. No one's asked
you either, huh?

Mm. Only my mother.

Hi. I'm Veronica.

I saw your show last week.

Oh, it was nothing.

But we're glad to sign
autographs or give out numbers.

Sure.

Would you introduce
me to Screech?

What?

Sorry, girls. See you later.

I must have signed a hundred
autographs. How about you?

- Tons and tons.
- Oh, lots.

More fan mail, Chef Screech.

Take it fast. It's heavy.

Can you believe this fuss
over my grandmother's sauce?

They all want to buy it.

That's crazy.

Crazy, but it gives me an idea.

I'm with you, Preppie.

If we can't be famous,
we can be rich!

Slater, we're going into the
spaghetti sauce business.

Screech, we're going
to be millionaires, man.

Chloe, I just found a
nerd with great E.P. --

earning power.

Hi, Screech.

Uh, hi, Robin.

I'll get to the point, cutie.

I'm going to let
you buy me lunch.

Gee, thanks.

Hurry up, before
Belding sees us.

Check out the three little pigs.

Guys, you're eating our profits.

[all]
Sorry!

Why would anyone
buy sauce in these?

Anyone can put sauce in jars.

Using flasks makes a statement.

We're saying our
sauce is special, unique.

Besides, we got them free
from the chemistry lab.

Lisa, got the labels?

Right here. Ran off
a thousand of them.

Flasks, printing, tomatoes--

aren't we going
to get in trouble?

Kelly, all these things
are for student use, right?

Well, we're students,
so we're using them.

You really believe
that, don't you, Zack?

Sorry I'm late, guys.

My lunch date went
longer than expected.

Ooh. Who's the lucky girl?

A babe from our TV class.

Does the name Robin ring a bell?

Isn't that the same girl
that turned you two down?

Face it. I have
something you don't have --

lover's lips.

OK.

Come on, it's sauce time.

Everybody knows
what to do, right?

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

- OK.
- Got it?

Got it. Screech, hit the switch.

Here we go.

Pouring the sauce.

Funneling the sauce.

Wiping the sauce.

Corking the sauce.

Labeling the sauce.

Packing the...

Hey, you know...

I really look like
Doogie Howser.

Screech, pay attention!

Slater, I need a
rag to clean up.

Lisa!

Make that two rags.

Screech, get back there!

Screech, just clean it later.

We're backing up here. Hurry up.

This is dumb.
I'll just turn it off.

Screech's spaghetti
sauce commercial, take one.

In ... ... ... ...

♪ O sole mio ♪

♪ O sole-- ♪

Buona sera, mama.

What's-a for supper?

What's-a matter for you?

I clean-a your house,

I raise your kids, and all you
can say is, "what's for supper?"

I'm sorry, mi amore.

I miss you so much today.

So, what's-a for supper?

Chop-a suey, what do you think?

Spaghetti. Shut up-a
your face and call your kids.

Bambini, papa's home.

Hello, papa.

Welcome home-a, papa.

So, where's your lazy
brother Mario, huh?

- Eh.
- Eh.

Yo, papa. Yo, mama.
What's-a for supper, eh?

What's-a matter for
you, you got no manners?

Show your mama some respect.

Sit down so we can eat.

Mangia, mangia!

Mama, spaghetti sauce?

I just remembered,
I'm on a diet.

Me, too.

I'm sorry, mama.

No disrespect, but
your spaghetti sauce...

Well, it stinks, capisce?

Hey!

Hey!

[doorbell rings]

Hey, we're saved by the bell.

My boys, you have-a
your supper yet?

Would you happen to have some of
your world-famous spaghetti sauce?

I'm-a never leave
home without it.

Dinner, she's-a saved.

You know, Uncle Screech,

you really have to
teach your sister...

Oh, my lovely wife,

to make this spectacular sauce.

I'm-a sorry, but no.

The sauce you can have,

but the secret, she's-a mine.

Screech's Secret Sauce is
available at the Max or by calling...

Get your secret sauce here.

Your pasta's naked without it.

Come and get it.

And now, the macaroni mamas.

Hit it, girls!

If you're eating tortellini,
ravioli, or linguini,

make sure that it
tastes real boss,

pick up Screech's secret sauce!

All right. Get it while it
lasts, only bucks a bottle.

Mama Mia, papa pia,

buy two, and
the third is free-a!

Look! It's Screech!

Will you autograph
my bottle of sauce?

Sure, I--

come on, Screechie-poo.

Baby's hungry.

- Screechie-poo?
- Screechie-poo?

May I get you a menu?

No. I'll have the
lobster thermidor.

We have a great tuna melt.

They have what I want next door.

Give her the money,
Screechie-kins.

Here's bucks.

I'll have the lobster
thermometer, too.

Darling, I have
a present for you.

It's the watch you wanted.

Oh, you shouldn't have.

That's not what
you said yesterday.

- You said "Screech, buy me--"
- What else did you get me?

Well, nothing.

But, pookie, I can't wear this
without the matching necklace.

I'm really worried
about Screech.

Robin's only interested
in him for his money.

He's got her a watch.

A watch? Was it a nice watch?

Zack, you have to tell
Screech that Robin's using him.

I'll have a talk with him.

Well, see you guys later.

I have to get
Screechie-poo's lobster.

Screech, we got
to talk about Robin.

She's the best thing
that's happened to me.

Printing, produce,
chemistry supplies.

This stuff wasn't in my budget.

Hi, guys.

I've heard good things
about that spaghetti sauce.

I'll buy some.

We couldn't charge you
for all you've done for us.

Here you go.

Well, hey.

That's really nice of you.

Mrs. B will be thrilled.
She loves your commercial.

"The sauce you can have,

but the secret, she's-a mine."

Screech, we still need
to talk about Robin.

Excuse me, but aren't
you Samuel Powers?

Another adoring fan.

I represent the Betsy
Crocker company.

We've sampled your sauce.

Excuse me, excuse me.

I'm Zack Morris,
Mr. Powers' business manager.

See, I know why you're here.

If you want Screech's
recipe in your cookbook,

it's going to cost you.

No. It's going to cost you.

We've had that recipe in our
cookbook for over years.

Stop selling our sauce,

or we'll sue you.

It's been a pleasure.

Uh...

Screech,

did your grandmother get her recipe
from the Betsy Crocker cookbook?

Of course. That's
why it's so good.

Grandma was a lousy cook.

I can't believe it's
from a cookbook.

Well, it is Screech. We're
the idiots for not asking.

We were doing so well.

I'm going to k*ll him.

People like him don't die.

They live forever and bug you.

Hey, guys!

I guess they're not
happy with me, huh?

I guess not, Screech.

At least I've got Robin.

Oh, oh, Screech, about Robin...

There's no easy
way to say this, but...

Robin only likes
you for your money.

I can't believe it.

My best friend is jealous 'cause I
got the girl who turned him down.

Oh, no, that's not it.

You just can't handle the fact
that I'm a stud and you're a dud.

Hi, Screech.

Wait up, love kitten.

♪ Guess what I've got ♪

My necklace.

Oh, silver.

I was sort of hoping
for the gold one.

I'll exchange it right away.

Oh, no! I still want this one.

I just want the other one, too.

I'm worth it, aren't I?

Well, of course you are Robin, but...

Are you saying if I don't
buy this necklace for you,

you won't go out with me?

Yes.

But only because I want
to look beautiful for you.

You deserve the
best money can buy.

Well, that works for me.

Look what I got Todd to buy me.

That's nothing. I got a
watch and a necklace,

and he's buying me more.

Wow! I've so much
to learn from you.

Darn. I forgot my
Uncle Fester wallet.

That dork Screech
actually thinks I like him.

I wonder what I'll
make him buy me next.

We're not selling
any more sauce.

Try the Betsy Crocker cookbook.

I hear they have a great recipe.

That's the th call today.

I wish we could sell
what we have left.

Face it. It's over.

That's not the only
thing that's over.

Zack, you were
right about Robin.

She was just using me.

I'm sorry, Screech.

You ok, buddy?

I'm just glad I found out before I
tattooed her name on my forehead.

It's not a total loss.

We didn't get sued, and
we made a little money.

Morris!

You must think I'm pretty dumb.

We're not the only ones.

Uh, what do you mean, sir?

I'm talking about
$ , in school supplies

you used to run your business.

Now I want the money
by the end of tomorrow,

or you're all suspended.

So we didn't make any money.

We'll have to pay
it out of the profits.

How much money
do we have, Screech?

Oh, um, Zack...

I kind of spent some
of the profits on Robin.

Wait. How much is
"some of the profits"?

Oh, just, you know...

All of it.

All of it?

We still have our health, right?

We do.

Don't be too sure about yours.

I'm sorry, guys.

I wish I never met Robin.

I wish I never bought
her any of that stuff.

Well, I just thought of a
way to get Belding's money

and get even with
Robin at the same time.

Thanks for inviting me for lunch.

By the way, did you
get me that necklace?

No, I'm sorry.

This business is
sucking the life out of me.

I haven't had time to
change my underwear.

Really.

I'm making more money
than I know what to do with.

Oh, you poor, poor baby.

I'm pretty good with money.

I could help you figure
out what to do with it.

Robin, you're the best.

That's why I want to
spend all my time with you.

And that's why I've decided
to sell the business.

Are you crazy?

It's too much for me.

In fact, I'm meeting someone
who's interested in buying my recipe.

Here he is now.

Herr Screech, I'm
Wolfgang Von Schmidt.

As I said on the phone,

I'm prepared to offer you $ .

Screech, we need more sauce.

We just got more orders.

Sorry. I'm selling the
business to Herr Schmidt.

You can't. It's a gold mine!

You'll never worry
about money again.

My mind's made up.

As long as I have Robin,
I don't need money.

Don't be so sure.

Then we want to buy it.

You're going to
have to b*at $ .

All right. .

- .
- .

- !
- .

$ , .

Oh. What should I do?

Don't sell it to that
foreign creep. I'll buy it.

You're too pure and innocent.

I couldn't put you through it.

Put me through it!

I'll give you $ , .

- , .
- , .

Uh, , .

- Sold
- Sold!

I'll have to ask for
the money now.

No problema.

Oh. I only have ,
in my checking account.

I'll give you , .

Wait a second!

Take back your
watch and necklace.

That should make
up the difference.

Sold.

Screech's Secret Sauce is yours.

Here's the recipe.

Where are you going, my pet?

I'm not your pet, you geek.

I'm going to be rich and famous!

Later, losers.

All right!

Let's go cash the check!

I want to get my
share right now.

I have a date.

With who?

With Robin's friend Chloe.

What?